Now, I know what you’re thinking
this myth is from Scandinavia,
the dudes who gave us Norse mythology
therefore this story must be balls out ridiculous
Well you're right.
that's actually the perfect phrase for this story
but let me just go on the record now
and state that there’s no golddruggery here
or giant slabs of meat with their own comic book movies
but that’s okay
because you do not need dwarves fucking gold or animals with an alarming amount of legs or storm gods making bad life choices in every single myth
in order to create something that resonates with so many people that it can eventually become a Sesame Street vine.
So, there’s this dude, hanging out at a party of furries.
No, really, that’s how the story starts
a dude at a furry party.
Now, mind you, this dude is actually dressed like a dude
instead of being dressed like a wolf or a lion or mouse
presumably imprisoned in a costume that’s hotter than the Sahara desert.
I mean admittedly, this is set in Norway, where that kind of heat is probably welcome.
This dude is hanging out and watching all these people walk past him
dressed in animal costumes
having fun, making animal noises
you know, as you do in these situations.
And in the midst of all of these animal noises
our friend mister does not know how to dress appropriately for parties stumbles upon the most important question of our time
or at least of his time while at this party
and that is:
What does the fox say?
Now, let’s just stop there
and consider this question and its implications.
Has this man actually never heard what sound a fox makes?
I mean, it isn’t like foxes are uncommon creatures.
For example, I saw one the other day just crossing the road
it waited for all the cars to stop at the red light, and then just went across.
At the time it wasn’t making any noise, but it was being a clever bastard.
Anyway, my point is that the sound a fox makes is extremely easy to find
you go to youtube
search for cute fox videos
and bam, you’ve got your answer
you get what the fox says and a bunch of youtube comments talking about how cute the fox is
and then someone contradicting how cute the fox is just to be an asshole
But clearly Google is not an option for mister dude you couldn’t even buy a crappy mask for the party here
because the second he asks what sound a fox makes he gets an answer
and that answer is given by, obviously
a man dressed as a fox.
Now I’m just gonna quote this man's answer word for word, because I cannot make this shit up.
The sound the fox makes, is, and i quote:
And for good measure:
You would think that this would be a pretty solid answer for mister wears an actual suit instead of a fursuit
it is not
Because after he gets his answer, he decides that the fox’s noise?
Eh, not that important.
You know what’s important?
GOING OUT INTO THE WOODS
AND DESCRIBING A FOX IN AN EXTREMELY SENSUAL MANNER
This dude REALLY likes foxes is what I’m saying
Or is possibly continually baffled by his attraction to them
I’m not sure
Honestly the dude seems to be confused about a lot of things related to animals
because after going on for way too long about how attractive foxes are
he genuinely seems to think that horses respond well to morse code
which at that point, I start to get worried for the guy's sanity.
Like okay, maybe I can see the connection between horses and morse code
if you think horses stamping on the ground translates into morse code
possibly to some secret underground organization related to a thoroughbred of sin?
I mean it’s completely possible
Or at least it makes about as much sense as anything else in this myth.
Actually no, I take that back
that part makes perfect sense because
after the sudden bout of discussion concerning horse commutation
TWO furry foxes show up in the middle of the woods that this guy is standing in
FLOATING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS
THERE IS LEGITIMATELY NO REASON FOR THIS
OR AT LEAST NO REASON I CAN DISCERN
OTHER THAN THE FOXES ARE TRYING TO DRIVE THE GUY
AND BY EXTENSION EVERYONE HEARING THE MYTH
I am not sure how much of an ancient mystery fox noises are
but holy shit
you have to wonder how many people have actually been driven insane at this point
because with these foxes giving out bullshit answers
making nonsense noises
Mister Closet Is A Disappointment
is absolutely out of his mind
he is freaking out because NO ONE WILL TELL HIM WHAT THE FOX SAYS.
IS NOT AN ANSWER
IT IS THE SOUND YOU MAKE
WHEN TRYING TO DESCRIBE A SWEET BASS HOOK
THERE ARE NO SWEET BASS HOOKS IN THIS MYTH
ONLY MISTER NARRATOR WHO I PERHAPS HAVE UNFAIRLY MALIGNED THIS ENTIRE TIME
FINALLY LOSING IT
AND US ALONG WITH HIM
AS SOME FOXES HOVER IN MID AIR
AND OTHERS SIMPLY DANCE AROUND HIM
PROUD THAT THEY HAVE DRIVEN ANOTHER PERSON - AND BY EXTENSION, PERHAPS, THE WHOLE AUDIENCE -
at this point the story ends
with no further information about what has happened to our main character
or the foxes
or the party
or the people at the party
or really anyone at all
meaning that the narrator’s question
what does the fox say
is now our question
and that we, like him,
are truly lost
so the moral of this story is:
if you want to know what a fox says
just use google
you will learn that foxes say:
“well we sound like screaming sacrifices to Satan
but you can transcribe that noise as ‘yip.’”