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Earth is good thanks, can I talk to Loki

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Earth is good thanks, can I talk to Loki


Steve couldn’t take it anymore. Turning off the television before he threw the remote at it, he slumped back on the couch in despair. He did not save his country from alien invaders led by a brainwashed brat Space Viking to have this happen.

Heck, even the ‘Crazy as a Bag of Cats’ Asgardian had been saner than—

Hoping he hadn’t forgot to charge the darn thing, Steve dug frantically in his pocket to retrieve his cell phone.

Loki was obviously not in New Mexico, but Thor did promise to have his brother call Steve, as soon as he could.


While startled, Steve was not really surprised when Loki suddenly appeared in the Avenger’s common room kitchen. It wasn’t like he thought the God of Mischief would really pass up an actual ‘invitation’ for mischief.  Tony, however, spit coffee across the breakfast counter.

“Relax, Stark; I am here at your Captain’s request.” Loki waved an elegant hand and the sprayed coffee vanished from the counter and a nearby stool it had dripped on. Seating himself, across from Tony, on the newly cleaned stool, he gave Steve a gracious nod and said, “Nothing for me, thank you. I won’t be here long."

Steve put down the coffee pot he’d held up, and went to stand beside Tony.

“Well, to business. Per our conversation, Captain, even as we speak a complete set of the buffoon’s… federal?” Loki appeared to ponder for a moment, “Yes, federal taxes for the last ten years are enroute to reputable newspapers in several countries.” 

Tony put his coffee cup down, lifted a quizzical brow and gave Steve what could only be called, ‘a look’.

“I’m pretty sure that is against the law.” Steve said hesitantly, trying not to wince at the god’s offended look. Tony snorted.

“And should they find out I am the one who sent them anonymously, which they will not, I look forward to their efforts to extradite me for trial.” Loki arched his own brow. “Now, can I continue? Or do you have some other irrelevant observation to make?”

"But the reporters…” Steve’s voice trailed off as another brow was lifted as if the god was wondering if Steve was really that stupid. He really wasn’t, although he suspected that neither Tony nor Loki would agree with him.  

Tony waved a dismissive hand, “Actually Cap, it is against the law for someone to provide them, receiving them? Totally different story.” 

“Quite. To continue,” Loki held up his own hand and started ticking off items on his fingers. “In about twenty minutes a server at an institution called the RNC is going to start distributing redacted, but still very damaging timelines and documents relating to the collaboration that Grump, Pennies and numerous other high ranking members had with a hostile foreign government. Additionally, there will be outlines of secret meetings discussing the steps they took to pervert your electoral process. Which, I might add, go back quite a few years and have seemingly been aided, abetted or just ignored by your courts.” A puzzled expression flashed for a moment across Loki face before he seemed to give a little mental shake at the follies of mortals and continued imperturbably. “And I am sorry to tell you that there will be mentions of a good deal of embarrassing personal information that will include quite a swath of your ruling party.” And no, the god did not actually look the least bit sorry.

Steve, however, was stunned. It wasn’t like he didn’t know he was opening a genie’s bottle when he called Loki, but he’d completely dismissed the various warnings Thor had made over the years about how when Loki granted you a favor, the results were often not what you’d thought you had asked for. Something Steve just now understood, since he had only asked for Grump and Pennies to be eased out somehow, not for half of Washington to be bulldozed. He felt a little faint, actually, and was amazed that the roaring in his ears was coming from his own blood pressure, it easily equaled the noise from one of Tony’s high powered race cars.  

The sound of fingers snapping in front of his face, brought Steve back to himself. “Sorry,” he mumbled, embarrassed to be caught seemingly wool gathering by the God of Mischief.

“Indeed. In approximately three hours, a virus, that if traced back will lead to a Russian Government server, will launch using their normal distribution routes. It will seek out posted items of a political nature and grade them for reliability according to a matching matrix used by the AI of a large corporation which is well known to you.” Tony’s outraged huff caused Loki’s smirk to grow a bit curlier. “However, since that German Woman is now acknowledged as the so-called leader of your civilized nations, I have taken the liberty of linking it to a reference file her people use grading sources from dependable to suspect. Based on this process, distorted information will result in a corresponding visual distortion overlaying these posts and adding links to more reputable sources.”

Loki folded his hand on the counter and gazed thoughtfully up at the ceiling as if consulting an invisible checklist. “I do believe that these measures will achieve your desired goal.”

“Ya think?” Stark asked the god sardonically, before he rolled a wide eyed look towards Steve.

“Well, since the rot went so deep, I did have to ensure that the person that was slotted into the interim position was not high enough up to continue the madness.” Loki’s always toothy smile became shark like. “They will not be able to claim a mandate. Something that is apparently a precursor to many of the odd policy positions your politicians take.”

“I guess not. Geeze Cap. You know, if it ever gets out that you instigated this; they’ll come after you with flaming torches and pitchforks.”

Steve could feel himself shrinking under Tony’s baleful glare.  

“Are you satisfied with my efforts on your behalf, Captain?” Loki inquired; in a tone that another might have used to ask if they could read your newspaper when you were done with it. As opposed, of course, to putting in train actions that would most likely result in toppling a presidency… And then some.

“Yes,” Steve managed to squeak, his throat closing up on him. For some reason that may or may not have been due to him unleashing Chaos Personified upon the United States of America. Not, he told himself, that it hadn’t already been by CrumpleThinSkin, as Tony and Bruce so often referred to him as.

“Excellent.” Loki tapped a quick rhythm on the counter and then plucked a large buff colored envelope out of thin air. Opening the envelope, the god pulled out a picture of Thor and Jane Foster, casually dressed, sitting on what looked like a stone bench of some sort and laughing at something. He slid it across the counter towards Steve. "In just over three of your months, my Mother will have a nameday. I want this turned into a portrait. A large portrait, say…” He looked thoughtful for a moment and then held his hands about a yard apart from each other. “Perhaps this wide, and half again as tall. I don’t care what style the frame is, as long as it is heavily glided in matt gold to match the rest of the portraits in the family gallery.”

“Oh-kay.” Steve wasn’t sure the casual subject matter would be complimented by a gold frame of any design, but he did know by now that Asgardians really, really liked their gold.

“Umm, check me if I’m wrong here, Bambi,” Tony said, “But I didn’t think your… Rather, Odin, was all that keen on Thor being with Jane. So I have to wonder, what’s he going to say to your mom hanging up a picture of the two of them?”

Loki examined his nails a moment and then drawled, “Say, Stark? My Mother will be thrilled, and thus I assure you that, no matter what his private thoughts may be, Odin won’t ‘say’ anything.”

Tony nodded his head knowingly. “Okay, then. So about what I figured,” he shrugged and Steve was stunned that Tony had just called Loki Bambi, and no deaths had occurred.

“Indeed.” Loki then slid what looked like a copy of child’s letter over to Steve. “This is from Aliyah Davis. Her contact information is on the back. She wants a puppy.” He fixed Steve with a gimlet stare, “A proper puppy, not some stupid purse dog. Make sure it is a large enough dog that it can accompany her to the park near their house, without her worrying overly much about other dogs, or troublesome neighbor children. I have researched Midgardian dogs, and recommend a Golden Retriever,” Loki shrugged, “But I suppose a Labrador would also be acceptable.”

Steve blanched. “Loki! I can’t just give some kid a dog!”

“Of course you can. I have checked into it, there can be no objections. No one has any allergies, the family owns its own house, and their yard, while not large, is adequate.”

“But… If her parents wanted a dog, they’d already have one.”  Steve protested feebly.

Loki’s face took on a pained expression and he rubbed the bridge of his nose for a moment before fixing his intense green eyes back on Steve.

“Captain Rogers. You are a Hero of Midgard. All I am asking you to do is daub some paint on a canvas, and dazzle a pair of mortal parents into allowing their daughter to have a dog. A small price I think for saving your entire country, yes? Considering the wild, and frankly astonishing offers of repayment you made me during our originally conversation, I think my requests are eminently reasonable. Don’t you?”

Ears burning from the vivid blush that was rising towards his hairline, Steve steadfastly did not meet either man’s eyes. But even so he could sense the grin widening on Tony’s face. “Really?” Tony cooed. Then dragging his words out in a lascivious manner he said, So, Rock of Ages, inquiring minds what to know, exactly what ‘wild and astonishing’ things did Spangles originally promise you.”


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