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Digna Factis Recipimus

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 The first time she woke up from a nightmare was a week after she ran into Abel. She'd never flown in a helicopter before. She'd never jumped out of a helicopter before. She wasn't afraid of heights, but she was afraid of planes and such. Small spaces and all. When the chopper started going down she almost threw up, and when the pilot yelled at her to jump out she almost fainted where she sat. What had Nathan Drake said? Jump, count to five, and pull the cord. She made it to the ground in one piece, truly a miracle, but in her dreams she has no chute, and she wakes up gasping for air as she watches the ground come hurtling toward her. That first time she spent ten minutes catching her breath and fighting back the sobs building in her throat before falling into a fitful sleep again.

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 Her arm wakes her after she blows up Van Ark's plane. At Van Ark's base after the Major died, Five had woken up to an IV in her left hand and a menacing mad scientist eager to begin experiments. The first two shots stung only like tetanus shots, but the third one felt like what she imagined being on fire felt like. She didn't (couldn't) cry out or stop running, but once Van Ark turned off the treadmill she fell to her knees, belt scraping the skin off them and leaving her legs covered in blood. Her arm, still hooked up to the IV and treadmill, felt like it had been smashed and beaten. The treatments had only scarred her, though, leaving a Lichtenberg-esque figure standing out as a constant reminder. There was no evident damage, but far too often she'd wake up in tears, ready to take a knife and hack off her arm to make the pain stop.

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 Five never remembered everything Moonchild had told her, even in her dreams or nightmares. The most of Moonchild she remembered after she would wake up, either in a panic or not, was her voice quickly fading away. She could clearly remember what she had done, though. She relived destroying the flotilla several times a week, trying each time to stop herself from listening to Moonchild's honey-sweet voice in her ears. She hopes maybe because she was able to disobey a little she can stop herself altogether, but even in a dream she can't stop herself from keying in the code on the console and watching the ships blow up and burn. In her dreams, for some reason she watches them sink and listens to the voices of those who didn't make it onto lifeboats in time.

 Sam's face as she bears down on him. She sees that every night. Even if she didn't, she reminds herself everyday that she didn't try hard enough to break Moonchild's hold on her. She tells herself she's lucky Sam and Abel let her come back after she'd let zombies into Abel. Her one job as a runner, and she couldn't even do that right. On the ride home after Simon and Amelia picked her up at the mental hospital, she'd cried into Simon's shoulder until she passed out, and she had to be almost drug out of the van once they'd made it to Abel. After all this time, she can't forgive herself, and she wakes up from swinging her axe towards Sam wondering how he ever forgave her.