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Cold and Lost

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Chapter 1- knocking

The knocking was quiet, but incessant. Maura heard it just barely. It was very late or early, she didn't know how long the knocking had been going on for but it had somehow finally seeped into her dreams and caused her to stir but she was sleepy now, dragging herself out of bed. Glancing at the clock - 2:10am. It had been raining most of the day and Maura had gone to bed early enjoying the relaxing sound of rain on the roof.

The knocking didn't stop as Maura stumbled sleepily down the stairs to the door, it didn't stop as she checked through the peephole, seeing a familiar tall shadowy figure with raven curly locks. Her heart skipped a beat


The knocking didn't stop until she opened the door. She stared out at her soaking, ghostly pale best friend leaning partially against the wall, eyes closed, head slumped forward, arm up and hand in a fist, lips almost blue, water droplets sliding down her face and dripping off her chin, breathing quickly, weary and weak and shivering.

Mild Hypothermia

Maura glanced over Jane's shoulder, her car wasn't outside.

She didn't drive here.

"Jane? what happened?" Maura cried looking back at Jane and stepping out of the way for the detective to come inside.

Jane's eyes half opened slowly and she looked in Maura's direction out of dark rimmed bloodshot sad eyes but without really making eye contact or focusing, her lips quivered slightly, mumbling something. Maura's brain raced trying to understand what had happened. "Why didn't you call?" Maura whispered. Jane's arm that was still half raised from thumping on the door fell to her side and she swayed slightly forwards then backwards, eyes closing. Maura stepped out the doorway throwing her arms around Jane's waist to hold her up, steady her. Jane was cold, very cold, and wet and rigid and Maura started to panic.

"Come in Jane", Maura wide awake now half dragged half led Jane inside, stumbling with the added weight of Jane becoming heavier in her arms as she relaxes beside her, her head falling against Maura's shoulder and her legs weakening further and stumbling before not moving at all. Just barely making it to the couch Maura let Jane slump down onto the couch relieved they made it.

"Jane, can you hear me?"

No response

"Jane, can you cough?"

Jane lets of a cough hiccup sound

Maura studied Jane intently, her eyes are closed, her wet dripping hair stuck to the back of the leather couch, she was slowly sliding sideways until she lay in a twisted heap, ragged breathing, pale, Maura worries many things in that moment...

What could have happened, Jane was supposed to be on a date tonight, how did she get here, soaked clothing but not disheveled or torn, no visible attack or defense marks on her skin or hands, no bruising, moderately hypothermic and possibly semi-conscious. How did she get here...

Jane started to shiver then her whole body began to shake before Maura moved a muscle, then rushing into the bathroom to grab towels, rushing back and flicking the heater on.

"Jane, I am going to take off your wet clothes"

First the gym shoes and wet socks were removed dropping to the floor, Maura held her feet for a moment, they were like ice. She pulled Jane's raincoat off one arm rolling her over slightly to get the other arm out, Jane slumped onto her front on the couch one arm pinned under her body, face down, mumbling something incoherent into the seat cushions. Maura then struggled to remove Jane's wet pants from her body. Jane was dead weight and Maura was almost sure she would have to cut them off her best friend. Eventually with lots of grunting Maura was able to drop them onto the growing pile of soaked items. Grabbing the closest blanket and wrapping it around Jane's feet to warm up the dangerously colored extremities. Maura then attempted to remove Jane's wet tee-shirt, pulling it up to her bust and rolling her onto her side to get better access. Pulling it up to her neck and pulling over Jane's head and away from her until janes arms were above her head. Jane was heavy, unresponsive, a dead weight, and now wearing only her simple black underwear.

Still stunning, pale as she is, like snow white with dark black hair clinging to her delicate skin, tall toned fabulous and soft, blue lips...

Maura quit gawking quickly realizing there was absolutely no time for daydreaming and grabbed a dry towel and started rubbing Jane's hair to dry it and get the wet hair away from Jane's cold skin. furious rubbing action at first but slowing into soft gentle circles, trying to slow her own anxiety at the same time. Maura's face was so close to Jane's face she was scared to breathe, hands on either side of her head rubbing, massaging. She saw Jane's blueish lips moving like she was whispering but there was no sound, only worried pained creases forming across her forehead, Dark rings around her eyes and pale skin contrasting greatly against wet black hair. Jane was as pale as the towel around her head. The breaths coming out were fast and ragged. Her chest still heaving slightly.

Maura wrapped Janes hair up in the towel and stepped back taking a deep breath, she knew what she had to do next, it was the right thing to do, she wanted to do it too, but it was not something she wanted to do like this...these circumstances...Jane oblivious to the situation.

Gulping, Maura grabbed the top of Jane's panties, closed her eyes held her breath and slipped them down her thighs over knees ankles to feet hitting the blanket still wrapped around Jane's feet sliding them all to the floor. Opening her eyes she grabbed a heavy blanket and placed it over Jane's lower body. Then reached across Jane's ribs to unclasp her bra, as her skin touched Jane's ice cold skin she tingled. Trying not to think about the vulnerable physical and emotional situation, Maura quickly unclasped the bra and slipped it over Jane's shoulder and rolled her onto her back to slip it off completely and quickly covering Jane completely with the blanket and added another blanket on top tucking it all around Jane to cocoon her in her own body heat.

Hypothermia, warm fluids vital, shivering...good...creating heat but burning energy, entire body cold...not good. A healthy adult at rest will make about 1kcal of heat per kg of body weight per hour. She won't be able to warm herself up fast enough on her own...

Maura makes a simple warm sugary drink in the kitchen and takes it to her folding back some of the blankets but keeping her torso covered, scooping an arm under her shoulders and forcing her gently upwards sitting behind her so she is partially upright

"Jane, sip this sweetie"

She holds the glass to Jane's lips pouring a few sips between Jane's blueish tinged lips careful to make sure she can swallow it.

After a few more sips of the sticky warm sweet liquid she lays her gently back down.

Picking up the soaking garments still on the floor heads to the laundry to dump them in the dryer turning it on and racing back to the lounge.

In her absence Jane hadn't moved an millimeter. Next Maura deposits her own garments onto the chair beside Jane until she was wearing only her own underwear. Sighing gently she lifts the blankets and slips under them facing Jane, tucking Jane's cold hands between their bodies and wrapping her arms around Jane's waist pulling Jane flush with her body. The contact of ice cold skin against her makes her gasp but she holds Jane as tight as she can massaging gently every part of Jane's skin she can reach, resting her head in the crook of Jane's neck trying that every part of her skin touched Jane's skin.

Chapter Text

Chapter 2 - Best medical Treatment

Lying under the blanket, wrapping herself around Jane, Maura silently prayed Jane would be ok. Maura had no idea how long she lay there not moving holding Jane tightly, thoughts uncontrollably flooding her mind.

How did this happen? Maybe I should have taken Jane to the hospital, maybe something serious had happened, why didn't I take Jane to the hospital? Why had Jane come here? why didn't she have her gun? Why was she dressed casually? Why hadn't she called? what had gone wrong?

Maura started to shiver both at the thoughts racing through her mind as well as the departing heat Jane was still sucking out of her body.

Seconds felt like minutes. Minutes felt like hours. Time moving slow...painfully slow.

Jane stirred moving her lips closer to Maura's ear, her breathing was becoming normal now and her breath warmer. Maura felt Jane's eyelash flicker on her cheek.

She leaned backwards to get a better look at her best friend and noticed her lips were more pink and soft normal skin colour returning to her face, her features looked less pained and she had stopped shivering.

Maura released her tight grip around Jane''s body and brought her hand up to Jane's temple, pausing, then placing the back of her hand gently on Jane's forehead. She was warm.

Maura slid her hand down Jane's face brushing her cheek gently running her hand to Jane's chin, stopping to see any reaction. None.

She gently stroked Jane's hairline in small circles then slid her fingers down Jane's cheek, pausing and running her thumb across Jane's lower lip. Still no reaction. She allowed her thumb to caress Jane's lips a few more times.

Gently removing her hand from Jane's face she placed it on Jane's back drawing her closer, moving her head closer to Jane and whispering softly into her ear "You're ok, You're going to be just fine sweetheart."

Jane mumbled and Maura barely caught the words ' die..'

"What is it Jane?" she leaned closer to hear better willing her heat-beat to slow and stop pounding so loudly in her own ears.

"..let me die." Jane whispered.

Maura frowned. Who would let Jane die. Did someone leave her best friend to die.

Jane moved closer to Maura and lifted her arm over Maura's waist pulling her closer.

When I find out who had harmed Jane THEY will die.

Maura twisted her head and kissed Jane's temple softly hoping to convey all the love and caring in the action, hoping to ease Jane's worry, anxiety, whatever nightmare her memories tried to steal her too.

Jane whispered again this time over and over again, a mantra, '...let me die...let me die..please just let me die...I want to die.."

Tears instantly stung at Maura's eyes, she squeezed them tightly together wishing hoping silently pleading that Jane was just delirious.

"No, no, no, no, no..." Maura breathed into Jane's ear, squeezing her tighter, wondering if she could ever now let go of her.

"No, Jane, no, I would...I will never ever let you die" she whispered softly kissing the skin by Jane's ear.

"Jane I need you to live because I can't be without you" Maura moved her lips down Jane's neck to her shoulder planting soft barely there kisses every few centimeters.

"Please" she pleaded brushing her lips across Jane's collarbone

"Who will I watch the Red Soxs with if you aren't here?" she whimpered kissing the soft skin above the suprasternal notch as tears slid silently down her face.

Jane pressed forward into Maura's body, Maura froze...

Was she leaning into my kisses? No don't be ridiculous Maura, she is cold and you are warm, she is seeking the warmth not you.

"I don't know what is going on Jane, but nothing can be that bad that death would benefit anyone. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you. Everything will be ok, I promise"

Maura rested her lips on the corner of Jane's mouth before pulling back and staring at Jane. No reaction, no mumbling, just stillness.

Maura brushed a stray string of hair off Jane's face tucking it up into the towel wrapped around her head. She brushed her hand across Jane's cheek again, guiltily enjoying the lack of resistance and secretly loving the tingling feeling running across her fingers and up her arm.

Jane would hate this, being like this, knowing I could do anything to her, for her, with her, and she is just sleeping ...naked in my arms... holding me tightly back, sweet soft breaths, chest expanding into mine, lost in the warmth of body heat, exhausted from the physical exertion and stress, completely relaxed, still, compliant, completely and utterly compliant...

Jane leaned into Maura's hand as she moved it lower across Jane's chin. unlike Jane...

Maura leaned forward resting her forehead against Jane's

"I love you" she whispered. Tucking her hand back under the blanket and rubbing Jane's back in smooth long strokes.

I shouldn't be enjoying this this much, Jane has suffered...might be still. I love being so close to her so unrestrained so relaxed but is this wrong. I need her to know I love her but this could destroy everything we have...

Jane moved in her arms rolling towards Maura, her weight almost fully on Maura who had stopped breathing suddenly worried Jane might wake

She'll hate me, she will think I stripped her and took advantage of her vulnerability. But I had too, she will understand, she has too, but, what if she freaks out, what if I loose her...

Sucking in a deep breath Maura tries to move. Jane was warm now, she should get up and get dressed. She doesn't need to be so close to Jane anymore. She tries to wiggle away but she is pinned. Jane's chest is laying across Maura like she is a pillow and Jane slides her arm up and wraps it under Maura's neck, Maura still frozen holding her breath, Jane's fingers wrap around Maura's hair and her leg slides across Maura's legs hooking over them and wrapping her up tightly.

This would be awkward if Jane were to wake up...

The thought barely completed when she feels Jane stiffen ever so slightly

Don't move, she will go back to sleep...

She could feel Jane's heart literally speed up, beating against her own ribs...

This is when I realise I should have just left my own clothes on, shouldn't have said so much, shouldn't have kissed her neck...

Both awake but no-one moves

I should say something because if possible it feels more awkward every second that passes...

Chapter Text

Chapter 3 - Remembering

"Hi" Jane whispers breaking the silence, her voice a little hoarse but soft and dreamy.

"Hi" Maura whispers back raising her eyebrows

Jane shifts moving her leg and arm away from Maura and lying back on her side, finally looking around squinting "W-what happened Maur" Jane rasps, "Why am I here?" scrunching her face up as if her head hurts.

Maura gulps, regretfully removing her arms away from Jane but missing the contact instantly, "You don't remember anything?" she softly asks.

She watches carefully as Jane opens her eyes and gives her a sleepy warm happy look, it is one of those Jane looks that melts her heart instantly, the almost loving look that is usually followed by an irresistible warm cheeky dimpled sly smile that makes her eyes sparkle and Maura's heart melt into putty. But the smile never comes. Instead a frown begins to form and her soft eyes are replaced by darker ones.

From here everything moves in ultra slow motion for Maura. Jane's moves away from Maura and confusion becomes apparent and then a sheer panic flashes across her darkened features as she realizes she isn't wearing any clothes. She grabs the blanket closer to herself and pulls herself into the back of the couch sitting up when she can retreat no further. This causes the blanket to slide off Maura revealing she is in only her underwear. Janes face morphs into complete shock then drifts back to confusion. Every expression...every emotion...clear and readable and imprinted into Mauras memory.

Jane wracks her mind for an explanation, any logic, but there is nothing.

Maura wants to grab her and hold her tightly and take all the worry from Janes tired body but she can't move. Lying there on her back staring up at Jane who just stares back at her. One confused and afraid, the other just afraid. The moment seems to last an eternity.

Jane breaks eye contact looking down at her lap and her focus becomes distant, Maura lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding and calmly asks "Do you remember coming here Jane?"

Caught off guard at the calmness of the question spoken so gently into the chaos of her mind Jane relaxes ever so slightly. She forces her mind to just focus, to try think back, lips pursed, brow knitted together in concentration.

She was leaving the office earlier in the day, what time, don't remember, she had said goodbye to Maura, taken the elevator to the basement level, or was it ground level, walked outside towards her car, daylight, it was raining heavily outside, not the basement then, Joe the guard said something, night, maybe, pushed the door open, walked outside where the rain instantly spat in her face, cold bitter, sharp, unforgiving, uncaring, like droplets from a hot shower hitting freezing skin, she wished she had taken the umbrella Maura offered her, it seemed silly at the time, her car was right out the door, why would she need an umbrella, just Maura being overprotective. Squinting her eyes and tucking her head to her chest she pushed into the wind towards her car, keys in her hand tucked in her blazer pocket, then... nothing. no memory... blank ...

Did I get in my car? did I even unlock it?

Jane's eyes clouded again and looking up out the kitchen window she can see its early early morning, maybe 5am, maybe earlier, the birds are just beginning to chirp.

"Eleven hours" she murmurs to herself. He face contorting as she tries to mentally force the missing hours to re-appear. Putting her fingers to the bridge of her nose, then attempting to run her hand thru her hair, she encounters the towel, strips it off and puts her face in both her hands.

After watching Jane for a few moments Maura decides its time to make things more amiable and clothes is probably a good first step. Carefully sitting up she slides her legs off the edge of the couch, grabbing her top off the chair slipping it on before grabbing her pants and standing up to slip them on, Jane doesnt seem to notice her at all.

Maura slips into the kitchen glancing over her shoulder face full of concern, Jane still sitting with the blanket clutched to her chest looking completely lost. Maura puts the kettle on and walks to the laundry to grab Jane's clothes. Bundling them in her arms but recalling the state they were in only hours earlier. Placing them down in front of Jane she whispers "Get dressed and we can talk". Jane whips her head toward Maura as if she had appeared out of thin air then drops her gaze to her clothes.

Different clothes that she was wearing at work 11 hours ago. The detail hadn't escaped Maura either.

"My clothes" she whispers staring at them. Maura doesn't move. Frowning Jane rubs the fabric on top "Not my clothes" she whispers. Maura reaches out and touches Jane's wrist, the contact almost burning. Jane looks up again at Maura her eyes glazed over. Maura sits on the edge of the couch and opens her arms and Jane falls into them sobbing slightly.

For the second time in less than two hours Maura thinks this moment with Jane in her arms, under different circumstances, would be the most beautiful thing in the whole world.

Chapter Text

Chapter 4 - The explanation begins

Rubbing Jane's back in warm soft circles Maura tries to explain, speaking as softly as possible

"Jane" she breathes to the blanket wrapped trembling Jane in her arms. "You were at my door early this morning, soaked and weary and ready to collapse from exhaustion and hypothermia. I warmed you up using body heat which is the safest way to get your temperature right without making you too hot too quickly."

A quick pause of hesitation, expectation "You only said you wanted to die .. nothing else. I didn't know what to make of it, you might have been semi-conscious, maybe delirious." She hopes this is true more than anything, closing her eyes before continuing. "You warmed up and then woke up" Maura finished breathless. Jane hadn't moved. The kettle began to whistle on the gas.

Maura puling back putting both her hands on Jane's forearms pushing her away to create space between them, seriousness, and holding her firmly, getting her full attention. Jane stared back at her blankly almost catatonic.

"What do you remember Jane?" No response. No movement. Jane stares past Maura into oblivion. Maura runs her hands up and down Jane's arms frantically, trying to encourage something out of her and comfort her...give her strength...something physically tangible...

The kettle now screaming for attention, Maura finally releases Jane's arms, standing up to go to the kitchen. Jane hasn't moved, doesn't move.

Pulling the kettle off and making one instant coffee and one herbal tea Maura is back beside Jane, reaching up she cups Jane's chin in her hand, eye contact made...

She looks shocked, why wont she say anything, why isn't she panicking, this is shock right, or she remembers and its too awful to talk about, she won't tell me, or can't...

"Should I take you to the hospital?". Jane grunts her disapproval causing the corners of Maura's mouth to curl up slightly attempting to suppress a smile.

There's my Jane..

"Have fluids, it will help you rehydrate and help your core temperature. Coffee isn't ideal under the circumstances but I know you would want it anyway and would refuse anything else", She smiles mostly to herself handing Jane the beverage which she accepts and sips.

"What do you remember Jane?" Maura tries again.

Jane fiddles with the tee-shirt on the top of the pile of crumpled dry clothes, looks at Maura "T-This isn't m-mine Maur."

Glancing at the garment then back at Jane she replies "You were wearing it when you arrived Jane, all of this, and you were soaked. Your car isn't here. Did you walk here? Did someone drop you off?"

Jane looks blankly at Maura, softly frowning, she takes another sip of her drink, sighs, then lies down on her back on the couch again pulling the blanket over her head.

"If you don't remember we should tell someone, Jane, call Frankie or Korsak, locate your car, arrest Marlin or Mervin or whatever his name is you were with tonight. Something bad could have happened to you Jane!" Maura looks at the unmoving blanket lump, "Jane?" pulling back the top of the blanket and there is Jane her eyes wet, lost, streaks of dampness running down either side of her face.

"I don't remember anything Maura, just waking up here...with you. It didn't feel unsafe or wrong when I woke up so maybe nothing happened."

Maura's heart breaks.

"Maybe I only want to remember being safe, not remembering I don't remember."

Maura sits closer on the couch "Jane.." she begins not quite sure what to say. "No matter what has happened or hasn't happened, will happen or won't, I will be here with you, for you, everything will be ok. I promise"

Leaning down Maura plants a firm gentle lingering kiss on the corner of Jane's mouth. Pulling back she sees Jane's eyes are closed

"So long as you didn't kill anyone" Maura jokes recalling her forgotten night on 'Scopolamine' and her stint in prison. Jane smirks slightly opening her eyes..

There's that dimpled smile, theres that beautiful cheeky look, thats what has been missing...

"I'm sure you..." Jane begins looking serious again, "could help me dispose of the body and any evidence to keep me out of prison. Whats that body no crime, and I have a genius for a girlfriend" seriousness melting into a soft smile.

Mauras face drops...


The word ran through her mind a million times in a second.

Girlfriend...What does that mean...girl friend or girlfriend...

Jane senses the change in Maura's spirit and sees the change in expression and drops her gaze, she quickly whispers "Friend...Maur', friend", a smile tugging the corners of her mouth.

Pulling Maura out of her thoughts she looks up at Jane who mets her gaze. They smile at each other.

"Well" Jane begins, "I'm warm, I have someone's clothes here, It's stopped raining, I guess we know...'Dude where's my car?" she winks at Maura then raises her eyebrows smirking, her fears and confusion replaced by care and warmth.

Whatever happened cant be undone but moving forward might reveal what it was and maybe it was no big thing, either way she would find out and move forward with her best friend by her side.

Maura looks at Jane completely mortified "Jane, I am not a 'dude' and we don't know where your car is, don't you recall me saying before that I don't know where your car is. Maybe I should take you for a brain scan. This is not a good sign. hypothermia-induced anterograde amnesia maybe or did she fall...Temporal swelling..." Maura continues to mumble to herself and begins pacing around the room trying to process this new turn of events, stopping only when she hears Jane giggling under the covers.

Chapter Text

Chapter 5 - To the Apartment

Breakfast eaten. Clothing on, not the mysterious tee-shirt however. Luckily Jane leaves spare clothes at Maura's all the time. In the car. Boston a blur passing by out the window. A blur like her mind.

Maura drives towards Jane's apartment, surely there will be clues there.

Jane stares out the window mostly, stealing occasional glances at Maura.

Maura notices but says nothing silently wondering if Jane remembers anything from earlier in each others arms, she's not sure if the looks mean anything, how would one know - how would SHE know, social cues are hard to read on the best of days, but impossible under such circumstances as these.

Too scared to ask Jane she decides stay quiet.

Jane on the other hand wonders why Maura says nothing, usually the ride would have been filed with fun facts about statistics of adult kidnappings, the distance one can walk at night, memory loss and trauma, and all sorts of facts about hypothermia, using body heat, memory loss and wot-not.

Jane blushes remembering how warm she felt waking up surrounded by Maura's body heat, next to soft hot skin, so comfortable, not like waking up next to a prickly man. What could it mean that the instant her senses worked they had informed her she was lying on Maura and that her heart sped up so much. That the scent of Maura had made her fell safe and alive. That she didn't want to move ever again. That staying in Maura's arms forever sounded like heaven.

Her blush reaches her ears which start to burn and so she stays looking out the window to wait till the redness vanishes.

But how had she got there? To Maura's? No car? No memory?


Jane's apartment was locked, no sign of forced entry, but a little more disheveled than usual. Jane's car keys are on the kitchen counter, her gun and badge in the usual drawer and her phone lying in several pieces broken on the kitchen floor looking suspiciously like it had been thrown with force.

"Has someone been here?" Maura finally enquired when staring was getting them nowhere.

"I don't know" replied the puzzled lanky detective looking around at the mess.

"Maybe if you were tidier in general you would be able to tell" Maura suggested helpfully turning to Jane.

"Maur" Jane glared at her friend soooo not in the mood but secretly knowing her friend was probably right.

After another moment of silence Jane threw her head back letting out a frustrated grunt and startling Maura. She squeezed the bridge of her nose and dropped her arms to her sides. "Well my car is here so at least I know I came back home after work."

In a completely characteristic Jane action she flopped herself down on her couch amongst a large pile of what they both hoped was clean laundry. Picking up a half drunk bottle of beer off the table, and had a taste, much to Maura's horror, pulling a sour 'yuk' face.

"Is it beer?" Maura asked frowning

Jane smirked, her friend was funny all seriousness aside

"No" she replied curtly.

"Is it poison?" Maura whispered the horror obvious in her eyes

"I hope not" responds Jane taking another huge gulp and pulling an even worse face.

"JANE!" Maura grabs the bottle out of her hand and pulls it to her nose sniffing it

"Warm flat beer, super disgusting..." Jane sighs leaning back conscious of Maura's death stare.

Maura plops herself in a semi lady-like fashion down beside Jane. "So what next, detective?" She queries.

Jane signs and leans over resting her head on Maura's shoulder.

Maybe I was soooo drunk. Maybe Martin spiked my drink. Martin...did I met up with him in the end? I wouldn't meet a first date at my house, but my cars here so I never left. And my gun is here...for sure I would have taken that in case Martin was crazy. Did I go out and come back? maybe I brought him back here, No sign anyone else has been there tho. and no naked man in the bedroom...

Closing her eyes she whispers "Sleep. Too tired to think...".

Chapter Text

Chapter 6 - Lost in an Ocean

Maura wakes. Its still daytime.

Dark hair is blocking her view. A face on her chest. Arms wrapped around her.

"Jane" she tests. Silence.

"Jane?" Maura tries again giving Jane a gentle squeeze

"Let me die" Jane whispers into the silence

Maura gasps and pulls away from Jane, "JANE!" she squeals loudly causing Jane to jump up into the middle of the room and reach to her belt for her gun.

Not there so she throws her arms up ready to punch whoever is threatening them.

"Jane..." Maura whispers.

Jane turns around and sees Maura, tears running in streams down her cheeks.

"Did I hurt you?" Jane looks suddenly pained, still searching the room for danger.

"No," Maura tries, "You-you said you wanted to die again like you did earlier"

"No I didn't" Jane protests, her mind slipping into a lost place her eyes becoming distant.

Maura gently pulls her to sit back down

"It's ok Jane, tell me what you remember"

"He...he made me choose, I had to choose, choose between dying and someone else dying..."

Maura's eyebrows knit together, "Who Jane?" she swallows hard, this can't be real.

"The man on the phone" Jane responds hoarsely, monotone, distant like she is still far-away in the dream, face void of all emotion, like a robot.

After a few minutes of silence Maura goes to speak but is cut off but the strangest sentence she has ever heard

"In each shadowy corner there lurketh a ghost" Jane whispers. Her face is tight, like fear, lips pursed. Maura places her hand gently on Jane's immediately noticing Jane's pulse is rapidly beating.


"Yes Maur"

"Why did you just say that?"

"I don't know" Jane replies rubbing the scars on her palms intently.

I have heard about this, read about this somewhere too, people losing control of them self but doing things they are not fully aware of...what was it called...something about mind control. Dr. Hofstede did a lecture on it in Cambridge. Sleeper agents he called them.

Maura takes Jane's hands in hers and softly strokes the scars.

"What happened after you threw your phone?" Maura tries to reach into Jane's subconscious while Jane is still somewhere between memory and reality.

"I-I had to get away I guess, I think, I had to go s-somewhere but I can't, won't go. Couldn't go back. I dunno where I was going, I g-got l-lost. Got cold. Then I couldn't remember where I was going. I had to do something for that man, the voice..." Jane sniffs trying to withdraw her hands from Maura's but she won't let go.

Knowing this is dangerous territory and having only a little knowledge, Maura knows she is unqualified to do this, she will have to be extremely careful, the mind is a fragile mind-field and the programmers use multiple triggers. Could she trigger Jane, could she put them both in danger, could it hurt Jane's mind but maybe doing nothing could possibly do just as much damage to Jane. She could have died...or someone else...

Gripping Jane's hands tighter Maura whispers "What did you have to do, Jane?"

Jane looks at Maura as if Maura from another planet, cocks her head to the side like trying to understand a foreign language, she bites her lower lip frowning.

After a long silence

"Maura?" she asks quizzically

"Yes Jane"

"Where is Oz?"

Maura bites her tongue,

That confirms my suspicions. where is jane, is she still in there, when was Jane made into a sleeper agent, had they succeeded, had Jane completed a mission she was programmed for?...I need help...

The broken phone meant maybe Jane hadn't done whatever heinous thing that was expected of her, programmed into her to do, did that mean Jane was AWOL, did that put them both in danger, had she somehow de-programmed, something lost in translation, or was she one trigger word away from being activated again, from completing the mission...

At least she didn't want to die.

"Jane, did you ever work for the CIA?"

Nothing on earth could prepare Maura for what came next.

Jane bursts into tears "I ran to you Maur', you're all i could remember, but something kept pulling me away, I fought it till I couldn't fight no more and got so tired I fell asleep. There was a pretty rainbow. I was tired. I saw your house and I ran to it but the ground didn't move. There were lights like boats far away in the ocean. My clothes were heavy like armour, there was a rabbit with a clock but he was lost too. Then I crashed onto the road and my hands were bleeding, cut an' sore dripping red onto yellow. I couldn't see caus' I was cryin' and I called but you didn't come." Jane voice is hoarse and terrified, she is a mess of tears and dribbling everywhere.

Maura has never heard such fear in her before, felt such fear herself and seen Jane so out of control.

"Then it was hot like the desert and there were butterflies on my neck." Jane continues sounding calmer, relieved, "A voice kept calling me back telling me not to fall off the boat. And then i-i woke up" Jane hiccups at the conclusion, her tears dripping onto their tightly clasped hands between them. Jane had been trying to pull her hands away from Maura the whole time until the end, but she just gave up and let Maura keep her hands, they felt better when Maura held them anyway.

But Maura let her hands go suddenly and cupped janes cheeks gently and wiping away the tears softly with the pads of her thumbs. Suddenly Jane's hands felt empty, lost and she tucked them under her arms wrapping herself in a hug. Maura looked as confused and afraid as Jane felt causing her to sob even harder.

Maura unsure what to do now put her hand on the nape of Jane's neck and pulled her into a tight hug. Jane unwrapped her arms from herself and wrapped them around Maura holding her tightly afraid the embrace would end and she would be lost forever in the scary place her mind might take her. Maura rested her chin on Jane's shoulder and closed her eyes. Jane sobs until she falls asleep with exhaustion in the safety of Maura's arms.

Chapter Text

Chapter 7 - Waking

Jane wakes in her apartment on her couch, she looks around but Maura is gone, she is alone. Her head aches, every part of her body aches. Her memory is fuzzy.

She didn't want to face reality. She didn't know reality anymore. It all felt a mess.

Where is Maura

Her brain was trying to put pieces in places that made sense to her.

Maybe the whole thing was a dream, maybe I fell asleep when I got home from work and everything after that was just a weird dream, its dark outside, that makes sense, Maura's not here maybe because I never went to her place and she never came here...vivid

She stretches, fighting the urge to get up and use the bathroom and lies on her back staring at the ceiling. After a few moments of thinking through the haze in her mind she determines it had to be a dream after all.

Heck, what is Maur' gonna think of that dream, if dreams are trying to tell you something your conscious brain can't as she reakons then she's gonna have a field day with this...

The need to relieve herself finally wins out so Jane goes to take care of business, having a few large glasses of water out of the tap and a pill for the pain. A quick trip to the kitchen for a snack, a cookie or four. With a trail of crumbs the only evidence she has ventured anywhere she wanders back to the couch passing the side table.

Out the corner of her eyes she sees her phone in pieces on it. Suddenly she is drowning again, the confusion clawing at her brain, like nails on a chalkboard. She tries to scream but no sound comes out. An invisible ocean swallowing her whole, reality and fantasy fusing together. She collapses down onto the couch covering her head trying to dull the pain and confusion.

She whimpers in the silence and hears only the wind in the trees outside in response.

I am a freak, even Maura cant stand me, she has left me because I'm weird and dangerous and she will never be safe around me, I deserve this, I deserve to be alone...

Closing her eyes she silently wishes the world would swallow her and death would take her away. And eventually it feels like it has, her brain numbs and she drifts into a restless, dreamless sleep


She hears the click of a door closing and a few muffled voices around her, sounds of objects being moved, breaking through the silence, the peace she has been holding onto. She wishes for the voices to go away, her head hurts, her heart hurts, she wants the silence to come back.

There is a hand on her arm it starts moving gently up and down, comforting, not forceful or impatient


She cant move, she's not even sure she is breathing anymore.

Something grazes her cheek, warm and soft, then disappears, she wished that it would come back. The movement on her arm doesn't stop, she is happy about that

open your eyes...

She tries but cant, its like the darkness is locked around her

say something...

Her mouth wont move, wont form the words, she can only lie there

The movement on her arm stops, she wants it to come back, but it doesn't

Theres a dull pain in her arm, a prick, something touches her ear, its warm, soft

It makes a sound, gentle, caring, distant...

"It is all ok, it will all be ok, I am here, I won't leave you..."

It sounds like Maura, she wants Maura here, but Maura left her

A kiss is pressed to her temple and she can feel it long after it ends

Everything starts to disappear slowly, inch by inch, minute by minute, vanishing, first the dryness in her mouth, the pain in her body, then all feeling, all emotion, then her thoughts start to drift, silence engulfs her...

Whispering somewhere beside her, she can't make out the words anymore, the voice disappears with everything else until only numbness is left...

Chapter Text

Chapter 8 - Clues

Two days later Jane returned to work.

She didn't remember much of those few days she had been what Maura called 'unwell', but snippets of surreal dreams had woken her up at unreasonable hours in a hot sweat her heart pounding and feeling ill, but sleepless nights weren't that uncommon in her life anyway.

A long week had passed and it was finally movie night, Maura and Jane were tucked under a cosy blanket together, popcorn abandoned some time ago, its warm, relaxing and for Jane it feels safe - like home. Maura hasn't said much all week but Jane notices she has been taking an extra special interest in all her personal life and work activities, only leaving her side if it can be helped. The most asked daily question all week, is a variation of "Are you ok?". Although asking 15 times in one day had roused Jane's suspicion.

The day after Jane had woken up with no memory of the previous 72 hours she had queried Maura about what had happened after they went to her apartment. Maura had merely responded that Jane had been very very unwell, feverish, in a sort of trance, saying things that didn't make sense. And that Maura had called in a favor with some expert doctor she knew that had come to Jane's home to help Maura care for her because she was worried, Maura had called her in sick at work, and taken a few days leave to stay in Jane's 'crappy apartment' and care for her.

No, something didn't add up.

She knew Maura hadn't been lying to her, couldn't lie, but that her best friend was also a genius that could cleverly omit the truth and word things in a way that was not quite 'lying'. Heck Maura had had years of practice and help from Jane at this. And if she couldn't 'twist the truth', so to speak, she was very skilled in changing the topic completely, like on Wednesday morning after breakfast...

"Maur' what happened to my old phone?"

"It's polite to thank someone when they buy you a gift, Jane"

"Fine! Thank you for buying me a new phone what happened to MY phone?"

"It broke, Jane"

"Ahhhggggggg Maur' seriously! HOW did it break?

"Jane, I would appreciate you not raise your voice at me. I am already very stressed today, you know my mother is coming for dinner and there is so much to do. You are coming tonight? Because I need you to entertain my mother while I make 'Soupe de Poisson à la Rouille'."

"Poison ratatouille, good one Maura"

Jane had laughed mainly at the annoyed look from Maura who had followed up with a 15 minute lesson on what a rouille is and how to make it...

Jane filed away the taboo phone subject into the ever-growing file of things-that-don't-make-sense-yet. She knows Maura has her best interests at heart and also the last thing Jane wants is to upset her best friend who has been a little on edge lately.

There have been a few tense moments recently and their conversations have not been as 'easy' as they were before.

She doesn't tell Maura about the dreams, although she is sure Maura already knows as they have had lots of sleepovers...usually Maura's idea, not that Jane is complaining. Maura just rubs Jane's back and soothes her back to sleep after an episode. If she had some specific illness causing the dreams, she is sure Maura would already have advised her. But Maura has not been very forthcoming on the whole affair.

Maura shuffles a bit to get comfortable on her couch and Jane shuffles over to accommodate her. The movie is almost over but Jane hasn't been watching it and her companion is snoring slightly so she turns it off and lies there lost in the warmth and silence staring at her best friend.

Lots of thoughts running through her mind trying to make sense of things.

Its been the flashbacks that have been the hardest, like when Maura's leg grazed hers under the blanket at the start of the movie and she is suddenly somewhere else altogether with Maura wrapped completely around her flush to her body and the feeling of her bare skin.

Some things she knows happened, but some could be a dream...or maybe a nightmare, A blur of memories triggered at random times. In the elevator when the doors ding. Sitting at the traffic lights when a car nearby toots.

It is unnerving to say the least.

Sometimes a bunch of memories hit her at once like a ton of bricks... hugs, tears, walking in the rain. Maura's eyes full of worry, rainbows, rabbit holes, people haunting her, hurting her, healing her. butterflies, whispers in the silence...all blurred together like a movie in fast forward out of context.

Sometimes she has to fight not to pass out as her head burns like fire and hard white flashes behind her eyes blur her vision.

On her first day back at work in the elevator - a flashback of voices, voices in the dark, questioning her, interrogating, not torture but torturous, confusing. Asking over and over what she was supposed to do. Her head pounding. Why wont they stop. What are they talking about.

The day before yesterday Jane had asked Holliday to check her phone records for the days she can't recall, the one number that stood out 6:17pm incoming call duration 7minutes. Jane had it traced. Holliday was amazing and she had traced the number through several IP's across several states and all the way back to a warehouse on the East side of Boston.

Yesterday she had decided to sneak away and check it out on her own without telling Korsak, Maura or Angela, making Holliday promise not to say a word, especially to Frankie. It had been quite a challenge escaping without being questioned with a kevlar vest.

It was almost dark when she had arrived, she should have waited till morning but her curiosity was driving her now.

Quickly she checks the co-ordinates Holliday gave her, "This is the place", she breathed under her breath.

Gun drawn, creeping towards the side door in the shadows and checking the handle, unlocked.

She turns the handle quietly and creeps the door open hoping it doesn't creak. Halfway open she ducks inside.

Her eyes take a moment to adjust, and when she can make out shapes she realizes the 600 square meter warehouse is practically empty and completely abandoned. Her heightened heart rate drops down to its regular pace and she holsters her gun.

Finding the light switch on the side by the door she flicks it and the warehouse interior illuminates in a bath of fluorescent glow. There is one over-turned office desk and a few scattered chairs knocked over and left. A few blank pieces of paper here and there on the floor and a paper shredder on its side in the corner.

She heads to the desk and checks the drawers, only a few pens and a generic box of matches. Checking around to make sure she's still alone which she is, she wanders over to the paper shredder. She uprights the plastic bucket and inside is one piece of shreded paper, obviously forgotten.

Jane puts on a glove and carefully pulls out the bulk of the document out laying it down in almost complete order on the concrete floor.


Jane pulls a few slithers of paper still in the bottom of the bin and carefully inserts the pieces into the correct order.


Attn: Jet Mayar

Activate Playback expendable floater Detective in boston - Before 1900 hours -Shut down operations and relocate to the farm"

Jane took a deep breath, closed her eyes. She was angry and confused, she knew the name Jet Mayar and she did not like the feelings coursing through her bloodstream at the speed her blood pumped through her own veins. The hairs on the back of her neck bristled and her hands clenched into fists. She wanted to scream, to smash something.

Jet was one of her councilors after she was attacked by Hoyt, the department had ordered it. She hated talking about it - about anything to do with it, anything at all really, but she couldn't return to work if she didn't complete 10 hours.

Jet was recommended by the department as he worked with many federal agencies. It was decided someone out of their department was better for privacy, for Jane's privacy, because she was embarrassed - ashamed, didn't want anyone she worked with to know what happened to her and how she felt about it.

She didn't remember the sessions, she hadn't wanted to be there. Jet hadn't forced her to talk, she had sat there...10 hours worth of sitting. Jet had spoken a few times. The sessions were quick. Every hour felt like only 10 minutes, for that she was grateful.

Why did someone at this address call my phone, a call I can't recall followed by lost hours, somehow requiring a replacement phone and somehow making me 'unwell' as Maura had labelled it. And what did that have to do with Jet and some coded message which could be about me. And all the memories I have - are they somehow related.

She felt betrayed, a feeling she couldn't really contextualize. Had she been used, she wasn't sure, but she would keep digging. Some of the coded words in the message she had found sounded like espionage lingo.

Until she knew more she couldn't show this to anyone.

She bagged the message and tucked it into her pants pocket.

She needed answers but had no-one to talk to. Her next thought scared her beyond anything she could imagine

Is Maura part of this?


She runs a hand through her hair, it calms her. Looking down at Maura sleeping beside her, her face free of worry, so different to her memories of Maura looking more worried than she had ever seen her.

"Maur" she whispers softly in her ear causing her to scrunch her face up half asleep and squirm.

"Maur' you said you won't leave me?"

Maura's rouses slightly, "Never Jane!".

"But you did leave me. At least... you weren't there the whole time..."

Maura opens her eyes, blinking, smiling slightly, amused, "I can't be with you every second Jane, besides, you would hate that."

They kept eye contact for a long moment.

Jane bites her bottom lip before speaking again "I meant when I was sick, you weren't there the whole time." It comes out like a question, but all the same Maura has to hide her reaction the best she can, but Jane notices her pupils dilate and the pulse point on her neck start to beat faster.

"What do you mean, honey? What do you remember?" Maura asks as calm as she can possibly manage.

Jane looks away, she is not sure what she remembers exactly or what the message meant. And if she trusts anything in the flashbacks to be real then she isn't sure she can trust Maura...

"Just stuff", Jane whispers. She should drop it until she can put the pieces together. Until she knows who she can trust.

Maura sits up, reaches out to tilt Jane's chin up forcing eye contact.

"Jane, I know something is going on, I'm not going to force you to tell me but maybe I can help." Her expression is sincere and worry written in every feature. Jane's face softens.

'She is not the enemy' Jane tells herself over and over trying to will it to over-ride every other thought, every memory.

She smiles softly, "Maur' I need to know what really happened, and I want you to be the one that tells me. I will find out on my own if I have to, I have already been looking. I can't pretend it's ok anymore, I thought I could ignore it and everything would go back to normal but its not, it's getting worse" Jane squeezes the bridge of her nose willing away the tears and frustration.

Maura reaches out and rests her hand gently on Jane's shoulder, "What is getting worse?"

Jane lets out a long sigh, closing her eyes.

"I remember things that don't make sense Maur' and they hurt me physically. I can't sleep without dreaming and then I - I don't know - dream during the day. Sometimes for no reason, sometimes because I hear something or touch something."

Jane swears she can see Maura's brain work, cogs turning, her eye's flickering and her face flush slightly. Like she is processing, contemplating and planning all at once. But Maura doesn't speak.

Jane continues cautiously, "And I found something, a message, about me. It might have something to do with Hoyt but he is dead so I don't know."

Fear grips Jane at the mention of Hoyt and that fear in Jane's face is what grabs Maura, what decides Maura's mind and actions...

Maura picks up her phone and dials a number, never taking her eyes off Jane.

"I'm calling the Doctor. It's going to be ok"

Jane hums a grunt, her eyes now closed. She would gladly settle for 'ok'.

The phone rings twice on the other end of the line before it's picked up


"You said to call if things didn't return to normal or changed"

"What's the situation?"

"I am siting here with Jane and she has told me she remembers some things that could be real or possibly dreamed and it is causing physical pain and she isn't sleeping well. She want's to know what happened and" Maura pauses swallowing, the implications heavy on her mind "if I don't tell her she plans to find out on her own."

Jane whips her head around "There is something!" she stares at Maura pointing an accusatory finger at her friend. Maura holds her hand up to silence Jane.

"At this point it is probably best to tell her, whatever she remembers is going to do more harm that not knowing. Just take it really slow and if she does start to remember things prior to that night or gets too upset then call me back. As far as I can tell she is unlikely to be triggered again"

"Thank you", Maura hangs up the phone and takes Jane's finger that is still pointing at her.

"Yes Jane, there is something, something rather big. I'm not sure you will believe me actually." A long pause, Maura searching her face for understanding. But Jane stubborn as ever is holding her glare with amazing determination, waiting.

"I hope you know that everything I have done is what I believed was for your own good. I hope you forgive me for keeping this from you. I love you Jane, you're my best friend, and I would never want to hurt you."

Jane's face is somewhere between anger and suspicion.

"This is going to be a long night", Maura sighs

Chapter Text

Chapter 9 - The Lecture

Maura's companion had always been a little strange, controversial, but he was the only person right now that she was sure could help her. Jane was not herself, it was not a side-effect of the physical stress on her body from being exposed to the rain for hours, and the reason she was in the rain in the first place was just as concerning as Jane's behavior now.

It was a miracle Maura even knew where to begin looking for answers that night...

It was 4 years ago that Maura had decided to attend a lecture called 'The Rhythms of the Unconscious Brain under General Anesthesia'.

She hadn't thought she was late but when she arrived the lecture was already in full swing with an audience fully captivated by the lecturer...

"Other methods to create a mind-control victim are astonishingly sadistic and the expected results are horrifying: The creation of a mind-controlled slave who can be triggered at anytime to perform any action required by the handler..."

Maura realised almost immediately she must be in the wrong lecture room, but the lecture intrigued her so she stayed to listen for a bit longer.

"...Trauma is the main method along with drugs and the younger the victim the better the result. The mind creates avoidance patterns to protect itself from thinking about the trauma. Panic symptoms occur when the person undergoes physiological arousal to traumatic cues. A trauma will create a certain "shattered-ness" within the victim. This disassociation is part of creating the 'alter' personality. What doctors in my field like to often label 'Multiple personality disorder...".

He pauses for a moment or two staring around the room. A bomb could go off outside and Maura doubted anyone would have even turned around.

"There are several ways to alter a person's state of consciousness, but the most popular one is to use a combination of drugs and hypnosis. Drugs are used to facilitate hypnosis. Modern drugs do almost all the work for the hypnotist. They place the person in an altered state and make them willing to take any order. These hypnotists have methods to be able to be the only person that can hypnotise them and have full control over the individual. But...the methods are many and the experimenting of these methods took many lives and have destroyed many more. And sadly the victims of mind-control are mislabelled by most psychologists, doctors, councillors, police, teachers, and often these victims are even more traumatized by those they seek help from. The media demonize these people when they come forward, if they ever do. And most likely they are locked up because they appear to us to be insane..."

It was perhaps the most bizarre lecture Maura had attended in her life and she was sure if she told anyone she knew what she had heard that they would have her institutionalized immediately.

"Project MKUltra was launched by the CIA in 1953, the test subjects were mostly nonconsensual citizens who were subjected to all sorts of experimental torture techniques, up to and including extended sensory deprivation, hypnosis, and sexual abuse. Various mind-altering drugs and electrotherapy were also administered. Because most of the classified MKUltra files were destroyed by the CIA in 1973, two years before the program was even made known to the public, many specific details about the experiments remain unclear.

In 1977, at a Senate hearing the then CIA director Admiral Stansfield Turner disclosed that the CIA had been conducting mind control on countless numbers of unsuspecting victims for years and in 2001 most information regarding MKULTRA has been officially declassified. Monarch Programming is believed by most to be a continuation of the project..."

At the end of the lecture Maura sat mulling over how she could accept what this man had said with any authenticity, many of the audience filed to the front to shake the speakers hand. After only a few people remained packing up or chatting in small groups she approached the speaker and introduced herself,

"Dr. Maura Isles, Chief medical examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts"

"Dr. Cisco Fritz Hofstede, Doctor of psychology. Very nice to meet you. Did you enjoy my lecture?"

"It was rather...intriguing" Maura begins trying to be polite, "but I am not yet persuaded."

Hofstede rubbed his chin, "What would it take to persuade you Dr. Isles?"


It was immeasurably the most interesting conversation she had ever had, in the local coffee shop an hour later, seated across from a friendly gentleman in his early 50's who dressed like Humphery Bogart and talked a mile a minute. He was not afraid of what he might be labelled or how people treated him, he spoke his mind. He was a warm caring man who had had given up a prestigious and lucrative career to dedicated his life to helping the victims of mind-control he spoke so passionately about. He had moved several times when he feared for his life and had moved to Boston only a few days earlier.

The parts of conversation Maura remembers vividly were when alice in wonderland and the Wizard of Oz were discussed in relation to programming methods. Maybe it was because these were the stories she loved herself as a young child when her parents weren't around to care for her, she related to Dorothy and Alice.

The two continued to meet once or twice a year at the same coffee house, although their conversations were more varied.

It was Jane's phrase "In each shadowy corner there lurketh a ghost" and the reference to Oz that had brought to her mind all the discussions she had had with Dr. Cisco Hofstede about mind-control...


"In at least 99% of the cases where Mind-controlled victims who have come in for therapy, they still lack safety, which is a higher need than trying to go against their programming..."

It was a conversation Maura never expected to have with Cisco Hofstede, standing over Jane as she slept, four years later. She was still sedated and had undergone deep hypnosis to de-program the original had taken more hours than they wished to count. It was discovered that the trauma caused by Hoyt had been the factor in Jane's broken psyche that had exposed her mind, shattered her. How someone has actually gotten control was still unclear to them.

Cisco continued, "...This is why so few people have really gotten free. To undo the programming, the victim needs safety. The programmers know this, and have set up almost fail safe methods where the victim is not even safe from their own system of alters"

The conversation was to how Jane had broken free on her own...there was so much unknown in this particular field of research

They had taken turns resting and turns watching over Jane, but Maura never slept, she was too anxious, she was exhausted, "What are you trying to say, Cisco?" she frowned rubbed her face.

He thought for a moment while stirring his freshly made tea.

"I am saying that I think it is because of you Maura Isles, you are her safety, you are the reason she went against her programming."

Maura was too tired to understand the gravity of the statement, she was still processing the situation as a whole, and wondering who was to blame. Anger had come and gone during the process, anger and sadness.

She reached down and gently brushed Jane's cheek with the back of her hand, Jane looked completely at peace, Maura couldn't remember ever seeing Jane like this. She had been monitoring Jane's pulse and could tell the sedative had almost worn off, she would wake soon and then it could get interesting, but for now Jane's head rested comfortably in Maura's lap.

Jane had revealed a lot of things over the last day, she had fought too, physically at times, the sedative had helped contain her in moments of outrage. Maura had held Jane tightly in her arms twice while Jane cried her heart out, the sobs shaking them both.

Jane had revealed the name of her target but it was not giving any clues as to who might want that person dead.

At one point after one particular outburst Jane had confessed that if she had her gun on her at the time she fled her house she would have taken her own life to get away from the powerless she felt, from the pain in her head, from the confusion. Maura had fled the room in tears after hearing this, not that Jane would ever know, they hoped.

Between the two doctors, Jane's safety was also a concern, if she knew what had happened there was no doubt she would find breadcrumbs to follow to who was behind what happened to her and it was decided it would definitely put her in danger. But also Jane had not done what she was supposed to, what would they make of this disobedience, and the things Jane knew, if she could remember, could also put her in danger.

They had decided that if Jane didn't remember anything from the last few days when she woke that it was probably best to leave it that way. Chasing the 'they' and the 'them' behind the covert operation was extremely dangerous, enormous. If Jane remembered then that was that. But if it was halfway somewhere in the middle ... they had to avoid causing Jane any further trauma.

So here they are, a week later with Maura preparing to face her fear. Of sounding like a crazy woman to the person she loved the most in the world.

Chapter Text

Chapter 10 - Trust

"Maura, say you're right, say someone did try get me to attempt to assassinate someone or something...not sayin' I believe you...yet. But, How did they do it in the first place, ya' know, get control of me?"

Maura has already wondered this a million times herself. But she doesn't care anymore, she had almost lost Jane and now she has her...nothing else matters. But she can understand the detective in Jane wanting to know.

"Maybe you were drugged before each session with Jet then you were hypnotized, but it is highly illegal and unethical."

Jane pulls a shocked face, "Maura! Are you guessing?" she attempts to lighten the mood.

"I am not guessing...I am hypothesizing" Maura quickly counters.

Jane smiles, then the smile fades, "Wouldn't I know though, wouldn't there be...clues?"

"Well" Maura begins, trying to word it in Jane's language "..the basis for the success of the Monarch mind-control programming is that different personalities or personality parts called 'alters' can be created who do not know each other, but who can take the body at different times. The amnesia walls that are built by traumas form a protective shield of secrecy that prevents the abusers from being found out and prevents the front personalities who hold the body much of the time to know how their system of alters is being used."

Jane looks at Maura skeptically, "Mmmhmmm..."she sounds completely unconvinced, "And this happened how, again?"

Maura watches Jane, some things it is better not to fully know...and some things will haunt us until we do know. Jane's taunt facial muscles and creased forehead indicate these are things Jane wants to - no - needs to understand, she attempts to explain, "During a hypnotic trance, the human mind is at the pinnacle of its ability to quickly learn. What might take years to learn and weighing the evidence, will be accepted quickly by the victim's subconscious..."

Jane's face is hard to read, it's almost emotionless, like she is thinking of something far far away a long time ago...


Jane snaps back to the present and looks Maura directly in the eyes, "Sorry, Go on."

"After the program is in place an alter can be accessed by anyone who knows the "codes" or "triggers". These triggers, which induce the altered or trance state, can be anything including telephone tones, nursery rhymes, dialogue from certain movies or hand signals"

They have covered all this before but Jane is naturally having a hard time believing it, she didn't see herself in a trance so it is Maura's word as the only proof, and obviously the evidence of her midnight stroll in the middle of a storm.

Jane chews her nail, pondering. She keeps hearing it but not believing it even though there is no other explanation.

"Who?" She asks again. She asked an hour ago, and an hour before that. But the answer is still uncomprehensible, unfathomable, unconstitutional, and probably several other un's.

Maura patiently answers again, "Well, from what we have been able to find out...Mind-control experiments are run either by government agencies such as CIA, NASA, and other military intelligence agencies. When the agency comes under scrutiny, it simply changes the name of the program and continues unabated."

All Jane can think about is that she possibly almost ended up as a 'patsy' like Lee Harvey Oswald in JFK's assassination. Movies like 'the manchurian candidate', 'a clockwork orange', Conspiracy theory' plus others, to Jane, weren't 'just' movies anymore. She'd had a handler, code words, been controlled, something that was once fiction had taken on a whole new meaning.

Hoyt hurt her, traumatized her, then the councillor she should have been able to trust hypnotized her, shattered her, or at least that was the current hypothesis, no-one in Jane's life knew or suspected including her, then one day several years later she gets a phone call that triggers this 'altered personality' and she attempts to carry out an assignment which she managed to fail. Maura had been very clear that victims only loose time, not end up on their best friends doorstep in a trance taking crazy, which she suspects is a very good thing.

She trusts Maura that the process she underwent removed the trigger and the control they had, she doesn't really have another option anyway.

How many times was I triggered, what did I do, will I ever remember the things I did...

Jane physically shivers at these thoughts, it is possible she will never know. It's a horrific concept, to have your free-will taken from you and to do things that you cannot recall, to be at the mercy of someone else's evil agenda. They must be stopped somehow...

Jane's lips curl up in frustration, anger, and she smacks her fists down on the table between them causing Maura to Jump. Maura's shocked face stares off against Jane's angry one for several moments until her face softens and her anger vanishes...

"Sorry Maur", she sighs. She can't be upset or take out her frustrations on Maura, the gorgeous woman has been there for her, saved her life physically, mentally, emotionally. Never left her side, never doubted her, never stopped loving her.

Maura reaches towards her, pausing almost asking for permission to touch Jane, Jane tries to smile, to accept Maura's comfort.

Maura cautiously takes Jane's hands lifting them to her lips and kissing them.

"It is going to be ok Jane." she promises.


They have been talking for hours now, and lots of bits of Jane's mind mended just in understanding what Maura knows. The puzzle pieces aren't scattered anymore, reality is reality, confusion cannot traumatize her anymore. The flashbacks have mostly stopped.

And as unbelievable as it all sounded it did fit.

Jane has forgiven Maura completely for hiding the truth from her and is truly grateful for everything that Maura has done. For Maura, she is delighted that Jane hasn't run away or had her locked up, and she is overjoyed that Jane has accepted and understood her reasoning and even confided in her about her own discoveries including the shredded document.

"We can't tell anyone can we, Maura", Jane suddenly asks. Maura shakes her head, "No Jane. Hofsteder is looking into some aspects of this but we have to be extremely careful who we discuss this with...You understand that Jane?" Maura's eyes start to get a little wet as she tries to keep in control of her emotions, she fears for Jane's life.

"I understand the dangers Maura, I understand the risks. I understand a million clues could lead nowhere." she pauses while she composes herself, pushing the re-emerging anger down deep. "I understand there are other victims that have been through worse than me and I want to stop it for them...I really do"

A secret spy status/sleeper agent/mind-control victim or whatever label suited it, if made public, could have implications in any case Jane was working or had ever worked. Every conviction might be appealed or be department would be scrutinized, it would be a logistical nightmare, and not to mention a media massacre. And on top of that Jane could loose her job and be forced to undergo psychological evaluations and, honestly, the story was so just so controversial, tin-foil hat stuff. She imagined herself as Sarah Connor trying to explain that machines were going to take over the world and being labeled crazy. She felt crazy as it was.

And no-one would ever investigate the 'Them' behind this, 'They' were the untouchables, the 'Spooks', 'They' had loop-holes for their loop-holes, 'and They' didn't even have a name, just a bunch of alphabet organizations like the CIA, MI6, MI5, KGB, FBI, DARPA etc and 'They' would never be accountable..

In fact chasing them could end up getting them both killed. Questioning or digging could put them on the radar. It is possible that 'They' could have Jane incarcerated for espionage, attempted murder or criminal activities, 'They' wouldn't really need a reason they could make anything up and make it stick, 'They' had been doing this stuff for a long time. Nothing good could come out of exposing anything.

Its a lot to take in, to accept. To sit on her hands and do nothing was against Jane's nature.

Maura stares down at her hands and after a long pause speaks softly, "And about the other thing Jane, I am serious. If i told you a lie I would get hives."

"I know Maur' but it is a lot to take in right now, I am processing it, I promise"

Jane has been trying to process the final confession from Maura and every time she thinks about it she starts giggling uncontrollably causing Maura to blush.

"It's all too surreal...kinda unexpected, but I think I know how I feel now" Jane finally admits. Maura's looks up into Jane's deep brown tender eyes as tear escapes her eye and runs down her cheek. Jane instantly reaches up and brushes it away. Jane's demeanor takes on a calm and more serious look for Maura's sake. She takes Maura's hands in her own, squeezing gently.

"I'm not tryin' to make fun Maur'. I am glad you told me." She pauses and smiles softly, the sparkle in her eyes, the one that Maura loves, the look thats just for her, "I can't live without you either Maura, I wouldn't want too."

Jane had got caught up on the 'technicalities' of Maura's confessions to Jane while Jane had been semiconscious, and naked, and cuddled up to Maura. The main technicality being her own modesty.

"I am sorry Jane, I hope this has helped you. And although I shouldn't have enjoyed you in that way at that time, I cannot lie, I did." Maura blushes deeply.

I enjoyed it Immensely

Jane brushes some hair gently away from Maura's face tucking it behind her ear. She feels calm, happy. Maura is the vulnerable one now, she has confessed her love for the second time and Jane's heart is so elated she isn't sure it is even beating anymore, she hasn't been sure for awhile and frankly she doesn't care anymore, it's time to stop hiding behind technicalities and just be true to herself.

She leans in towards Maura, their lips brushing softly.

"Thank you" whispers Jane, "I love you too."

Maura's worried look changes into a huge smile she can't control. She closes the distance between them. Kissing Jane is unbelievable and Jane kissing her back is like fireworks going off in her heart. It is gentle and Jane's sweet scent is all around her. Gentle exploration. Gentle movements. Not rushed.

Jane trusts Maura and it feels good, safe.

They break apart resting foreheads together.

"Jane, stay with me. Please don't try and figure this out. I couldn't live if I lost you. Whatever happened we can deal with it...together. Please just stay with me." Maura pleads

Jane looks at the beautiful loving caring woman in front of her.

What do I want?

"I want to be safe with you" Jane finally confesses.

In that moment they both know thats a promise from Jane to not put herself in danger for both their sakes. That Jane will trust Maura. That they will put each other first. It is possible that this is not the end, that it's not wrapped up in a tidy little package, but for now it might be better left as it is.

It finally dawns on Maura what Cisco meant when he said Maura was Jane's safety. But Jane is Maura's safety too, without Jane she wouldn't be really living.




Chapter Text

Sequel complete

'Lost and Broken'