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Here's Your Hat, And By the Way, I'm a Virgin

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Four days ago Neha sent these texts:

i'm just going to be upfront about this even though idk what we are yet, but i think this is important information.

i'm a virgin. as in a total virgin, not one of those bullshit technical ones who think oral and anal don't count.

i know it's nobody's business but my own, but i wanted to tell you.

anyway, how are classes going? planning algorithms still a breeze?

Stuart has only answered the last one.


See, okay, Stuart thinks about sex a lot.

A lot.

He doesn't show it as openly as Yo-Yo or Lyle, at least not Lyle pre-Mariaelena, but he's 21 and that's kind of how being 21 rolls. But, like, when Billy and Nick accidentally brought the team to that strip club over the summer, that was the first time Stuart had seen boobs up close and personal, so Stuart had been pretty relieved by the way Neha wore her experience on her sleeve. Yeah, he'd made fun of her for it because Stuart could be a total jerk sometimes, but anyway, he wasn't anymore. Well, he was trying not to be. At least, he wasn't a jerk to Neha.

Not that Neha's confession changed things. He still loved texting her during classes, making fun of his professors as he secretly took pictures of them with his phone; he loved Skypeing with her when she wasn't running off to study group or to her cosplay club or to some meetup with weirdoes she met online. And Cornell and MIT were only five hours apart, which wasn't close enough for seeing each other every weekend, but was close enough for some weekends, and they'd been planning their first F-T-F since their internship.

Which Stuart was totally psyched about! Psyched enough that his roommates were already teasing him for showing actual emotions and everything! And he was still psyched after Neha's confession, but now there was this knot forming in his stomach, right alongside the excitement. Like did Neha have expectations? Did she think he was some kind of sex god? Was Neha under the impression he'd been texting a whole harem of women over the summer when most of the time it was just his mom making sure Google was feeding him enough?

"This will be okay," he told himself, sitting up in his chair. He straightened his beanie confidently. "I am totally going to rock her world."

He remembered he was in the library when four people shushed him all at once.


Stuart decided he was better off being prepared. Despite his aloof act, he actually had been a Boy Scout, going all the way up to Webelos before coding and rebuilding computers took up more of his free time than earning merit badges. The two most important lessons any good scout learned were Be Prepared and Leave The Campgrounds Nicer Than When You Got There. It applied to all sorts of things in life, at least theoretically, and it theoretically applied here, too.

So Stuart found himself Googling all sorts of porny things beyond the amateur XTube stuff he favored usually. He knew a lot of the terms, just from people making fun of them online -- it was hard to be a college student who'd never heard of furries, for example -- but he was fuzzy on a lot of the details. Or he had been until he buckled down and gone into research mode. Afterward, he didn't feel anymore prepared, but he was a tiny bit traumatized. Any lingering traces of childhood innocence were long gone.

"Stuart, do you have some secret midterm the rest of us don't know about?" one of his suitemates asked him, horrified, when he finally emerged from his sexual education crash course, wide eyed and a little pale.



"I told you not to call me that," Stuart said, but he smiled at Nick and Billy's heads crammed together in front of Nick's new webcam anyway. "Nice to see you're not raiding the library after storytime anymore."

"Of course not," Billy said. "We're Google employees now, and as such, it only makes sense for us to have top of the line equipment."

"Yeah, equipment that Dana and Lyle picked out because we're still idiots about this stuff," Nick reminded him.

"Don't sweat the small stuff, Nicky," Billy said. "Now speaking of people being idiots about this stuff, we hear you're in a little trouble, Stewie."

Stuart scratched his head. "I wouldn't say trouble exactly. I just learned something surprising recently about, uh, about someone I potentially want to be involved with."

"So Neha," Nick said.

"I never said it was Neha."

"But it is."

Stuart rolled his eyes. "Yes, of course it's Neha. Anyway, uh, she told me something private about herself and that thing has made me nervous because I'm also that thing and I didn't think that she was that thing, too."

"Wait, what? Could you run that one by us again?" Billy asked. "Is this about drugs?"

"No! No, it's nothing bad," Stuart said. "It's just-- ugh, God, you have to promise to keep this a secret, okay?"

Nick crossed his heart. "We're excellent secret keepers, but you have to be straight with us if you want us to help."

Stuart took a deep breath. "Neha's a virgin and so am I."

Nick and Billy glanced at each other, then began exclaiming together:

"What a shock!"

"I had no idea!"

"This is entirely new information!"

Stuart's jaw dropped. "Fuck you guys, you knew?"

Billy shrugged. "Well, we knew about Neha because she told us a while back, and uh..."

"We kind of guessed about you," Nick concluded. "But that shouldn't matter! Billy and I here agree that the two of you make an adorable couple and, no pressure or anything, but you know, the backseat of someone's car, a little wine, a little Barry White --"

"Or Alanis," Billy interjected.

"Or Alanis," Nick agreed, "and wham bam, no more virgins."

"You make it sound so easy."

"Well, it is easy," Nick said. "I mean, not to talk your impending experience down or anything, but Billy and I have been around the block plenty --"


"-- and we're complete idiots. Sex is something people manage to do every day."

"Sometimes multiple times a day," Billy added. "Especially when you're young."

"Right, exactly," Nick agreed. "So be honest with her, fumble through some stuff and you'll get better at it with enough practice. It's like... well, it's like coding, I guess."

"I can't believe you're making that analogy," said Stuart.

"Me either. But really! If your code doesn't compile the first time or it has really fucked up results, what do you do?"

"Change stuff up," Stuart said.

"Yeah! Until it comes out right."

Stuart shook his head. "I can't believe how smart you two have gotten."

"Us either," Billy agreed. "But, you know, if these two old dogs can be taught new tricks, certainly a young buck like yourself will be okay."

"Mixed metaphor," Nick and Stuart said together.

"Okay, fine," Stuart said. "Being myself is the way to go. But what about things like S&M, BDSM, watersports, pony play, figging--"

"Holy shit," Billy said. "Get off the internet for a minute, Stewie."

"Just talk to Neha," Nick said. He looked thoughtful for a moment. "Oh, but you might want to look up cunnilingus in detail."

Billy clapped his hands together and pointed at Stuart. "Yes, definitely do that."


The next weekend Stuart made the drive to Cornell and managed to mostly keep his insecurities to himself. This was primarily accomplished by forcing himself to only check his phone while stopped at gas stations and loudly singing along with playlists that heavily featured songs off "Jagged Little Pill."

It was fine. He was alone, it's not like it was about to end up on YouTube.

When he got to Neha's room, she answered the door straight away. Stuart was, in fact, still mid-knock when she yanked the door open, and when she greeted him with one of her wide, blinding smiles, Stuart almost melted into his Chuck Taylors. Billy and Nick were right: she did have a fantastic set of teeth.

"You're here!" Neha said happily. She grabbed his bag from him and ushered him inside the room. "Was the trip okay? Are you hungry?"

"Yes and yes," Stuart said, taking a long look around. Neha had a typical dorm room, boring beige walls and utilitarian furniture, only Neha had covered up most of her side with posters of Aragorn, Alan Rickman, and Darth Vader, along with that one picture of Einstein with his tongue sticking out. Stuart stopped looking at Neha's walls, just to catch her pulling off her shirt and leaving her in only her bra.

"Whoa. What," Stuart spluttered.

"Sorry, my pits stink," Neha said, rolling on deodorant. "I just wanted to change my shirt before we went out." She pulled a shirt reading 'Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?' on over her head. Okay, so maybe Stuart had been misreading everything. It was possible Neha just felt super comfortable with him because they were good friends, and Stuart was totally okay with that because Neha was awesome and smart and having her in his life in any way was way better than not having her there.

Then Neha walked over to him, stretched up on her tiptoes, and kissed him on the mouth. Stuart instinctively wrapped his arms around her. They kissed for a pretty long time, and when Neha finally broke away, she said, "I'm so glad you're here."

"Me too," Stuart managed, once he recovered his voice.

"I kicked my roommate out for the whole weekend," Neha added with a suggestive little eyebrow waggle. Then she laughed. "Okay, she actually went home for the weekend. But close enough. Ready to eat?"

"Sure," Stuart said. After that kiss and the roommate info, he was feeling pretty monosyllabic.


Neha had downloaded a bootleg torrent of Thor 2, which wasn't high on Stuart's to-watch list, but she seemed pretty jazzed about Chris Hemsworth, and Stuart found it hard to resist her when she got all bouncy and excited like that. Plus, snuggling up on her bed with the laptop perched on their knees wasn't too terrible, either.

"He's so hot," Neha said ten seconds after Chris Hemsworth put his shirt back on. She sighed happily and put her head on Stuart's shoulder. "Don't you think he's hot?"

Stuart grinned. "He's okay. I think what's her face, the not-Natalie Portman one, is hotter, though."

Neha's eyes lit up. "Kat Dennings. Oh yeah, totally a babe." She paused the movie and put her laptop down on the side of her bed.

"Don't you want to see how it ends?" Stuart asked.

"That? I've already seen it in theaters twice," she said. "What kind of nerd do you take me for?"

"Apparently less of a nerd than you are."

Neha pulled a pillow out from under Stuart's head and hit him in the face with it. "Your mom's a nerd." Then she straddled Stuart's waist and bent over for a kiss. Stuart went with it, stretching up a bit to meet her mouth more easily and putting his hands on her hips. Their kisses grew more and more intense, until Stuart finally broke away to suck on Neha's throat.

"Are we really doing this?" Neha asked and gasped when Stuart bit down a little.

"Yes," murmurred Stuart into her neck, "as long as you stop talking about my mom."

Neha sat up. "I should have known you'd be a master of dirty talk." She pulled Stuart's glasses off and examined his face thoughtfully. "You're pretty cute like this, you know?" Then she pulled her t-shirt over her head. This time Stuart was pretty sure it wasn't because of her armpits.

"Thanks," Stuart managed, as Neha grabbed both his hands and put them over her bra. "Neha, wait. I have to tell you something." To his credit, he didn't move his hands.

"Now?" Neha asked incredulously. She'd leaned over again and was sliding one hand under Stuart's shirt.

"Yeah, now." He let out this embarrassing whimper when Neha did this little hip wiggle. "I'll make it fast."

"Not too fast, right?" asked Neha with a grin.

"No promises there," he said honestly. Then, all in a rush, he added, "It's about that. Neha, I'm a virgin, too, so if you have any big expectations of sexual prowess, I'm probably not the right dude for the job."

Neha's smile, if anything, widened. "Stuart, I'd kind of guessed."

"Christ, do I have a blinking virgin sign over my head or something?"

"Kind of."

Stuart groaned.

"Not in a bad way," Neha assured him. She tugged on his arms, making him sit up just enough to pull his shirt over his head, which he kind of hated because it meant taking his hands off her breasts. "It's just that... I'm glad we're doing this together, you know?"

"Me too," Stuart said. He pulled her back down for another kiss, and slid his hands up her back to fumble with her bra clasp. And yeah, okay, so he let out a triumphant little whoop when the thing finally opened for him, but Neha just laughed at him.

In fact, a lot of what they did was punctuated by laughter, which Stuart found out that he liked. Neha laughed when Stuart brushed over her sides with his fingertips, and Stuart cracked up when Neha almost rolled them both off the bed. Thankfully, Neha didn't laugh when Stuart's pants came off, just let her eyes go wide while asking, "Can I touch it for a while?"

He felt ridiculous replying, "Please do," but it's not like it was a lie. And there was no laughter at all when Stuart pulled off Neha's underwear and kissed his way down her body until he was between her legs. Anyway, what Nick had said was completely dead on; researching cunnilingus had been totally worth it.

Between Neha and Stuart they had brought about fifty-five condoms combined, so there was something to be said about being prepared. However, there was absolutely no way Stuart could have prepared for how it felt when Neha straddled his hips again and slid herself down his dick. As not promised, Stuart didn't last long at all, but it didn't matter because he was ready again ten minutes later and they started all over again.

All in all, things could have been worse. Okay, Stuart amended, things couldn't have been better.


"So, what did you think?" Stuart asked a little while later.

"Eh," Neha said, then grinned at Stuart's face. "Kidding, kidding. It was great and I can't wait to do it again." She put her head down on his chest and snuggled up.

Stuart wiggled his eyebrows and pulled her closer. He could definitely get used to lying around with a naked girl. "Give me fifteen minutes."

"Sexy," Neha said. They basked in the afterglow a bit more. "Hey, Stuart?" she asked after a bit.


"Have you ever considered dressing up like Han Solo?" Neha asked. "You know, like in bed?"


"Ooh!" Neha exclaimed, sitting up suddenly. "Or Harry Potter!"


"Because of the glasses? That would be sexy as fuck. Roleplay is something I've always wanted to try," she said. "I'd be very appreciative."

Very appreciative, huh? "Sure," Stuart said.

Nothing to get worked up about. He was totally an easygoing guy.