Tony Stark was use to kidnappings, it was just a thing that happened enough to be normal. So he wasn’t surprised when on a business trip that a group attempted to kidnap him. He was kicking ass as he fought off his would be captors. He was outnumbered though and the group had targeted him when he was away from the general public. One hit him making him fall to the ground. He looked up just as one of his would be captors was about to taser him.
Before the man could a golden snake jumped out biting into him causing the man to drop dead in record time. The next few minutes were a whirlwind of golden death and it was fucking awesome. When the snake had taken down the rest of Tony’s attackers the genius looked at the rather large snake and grinned with eyes alight with awe.
“You’re just adorable. Can I keep you?”
The snake wrapped itself around Tony like a protective armor and seemed to calm down. Tony pet the giant snake and soon the snake shrank in size so he could fit around Tony’s shoulders. He walked away whistling having no idea the snake he was currently carrying would later give him a near heart attack when he discovered his newest pet/housemate was actually a being rumored to end a certain thunder god during a Norse version of the apocalypse. He’d curse about nearly dying by heart attack and then proceed to become the snake’s best friend because who’s he to judge a demi-god going and killing a hammer wielding god? He was the merchant of death, he had no room to judge and the snake was super awesome.
Tony was beginning to think kidnappings and business trips just went hand in hand. Seriously not even a year later he had another group trying to kidnap him. He wonders for a moment as he’s hitting one of them in the jaw whether he’d escape on his own or if Jörmungandr was going to end up saving his ass later. He inwardly sighs knowing he’s probably going to end up captured and held for ransom. Obie and Pepper were going to be so pissed with him for not making it to the meeting on time.
One of his attackers gets a lucky shot as they hit him across the face. He spits out blood cursing and when he tries to stand he comes face to face with a very large and very angry looking black wolf with beautiful green eyes.
“You’re eyes are so pretty.” He says ignoring that he’s going to get kidnapped and probably yelled at first by the important humans in his life and then by the giant protective snake that lives in his mansion and eats all his sweets. Seriously it’s a problem; he never gets any ice cream anymore even when he hides it.
The wolf looks at Tony’s attackers and growls before he rushes at them tearing them apart. Tony just sits there staring until the wolf comes to his side with blood dripping from his fangs.
“The blood really makes your eyes stand out.” He says with a grin as the wolf nuzzles his neck.
Tony picks up the large wolf surprised he can support the weight as he walks away.
“I’m keeping you forever.” He says rubbing his head into the wolf’s fur.
He’s not even surprised later when he finds out the wolf is yet another pet/housemate rumored to kill a certain one eyed god that Tony refuses not to call the alldaddy or patches during the Norse version of the apocalypse.
Tony was on one of his outings with Rhodey. They had been friends for years and really Rhodey shouldn’t be surprised by anything anymore. That being said Rhodey just glanced at Tony when they were out and a raven landed on his shoulder. It might just be that Tony didn’t react or he thought the bird would just fly off in a moment so he didn’t react. Tony in the meantime was enjoying his coffee. So what if he had a bird on his shoulder.
When a stray kitten randomly jumped out and latched onto Tony’s leg refusing to let go Rhodey opened his mouth to say something. He closed it again not saying anything as Tony didn’t seem to mind the small kitten that was dirty from its time without a home. When Rhodey heard the sounds of a dog he turned and saw two strays following them well to be more precise they were following close behind Tony.
“Something you want to tell me Tones?”
Tony looked at him still drinking his coffee because he would die without coffee.
“Oh yeah sure, I’m naming the raven Midnight, the cat Bell, and the two dogs Lucky and Lucy.”
Rhodey opened his mouth to speak but Tony held up his finger.
“Give it a moment.”
Rhodey was confused until another kitten came out of nowhere and latched onto Tony. He smiled as he said, “And this one is Launch. Let’s face it; this little one literally just launched herself at me.”
Rhodey just stared and shook his head.
“A good friend would question this.”
“Well thank god you’re like my brother.”
“Yep.” He agreed.
They never talked about him randomly acquiring strays. Pepper however had a near heart attack but she dropped the topic when Tony just told her he was a secret animal whisperer. Fenrir had laughed at him later about it like the bastard he was. Tony tried to threaten him with not buying anymore of his favorite donuts; the demi-god wolf suddenly forgot he was supposed to be housetrained. Tony knew a losing battle when he saw one. He honestly wondered when he stopped being the master of the house.
So alien invasions were a thing. He would probably be more surprised or freaked out about it if he didn’t have two demi-gods living with him. Both said demi-gods had demanded he hurry home so they could have pizza. Seriously he hoped he never met their parents, he may or may not have encouraged some poor behavior. Still he didn’t really mind because both were fiercely protective of him and super loyal. He had no complaints really. He loved the both of them like family.
When he landed after hacking the quinjet to play some proper intro music he might have been showing off a bit as he landed. He honestly couldn’t even get a word out before he had alien god of mischief wrapped around him like a fucking octopus. Steve was looking at him confused while Tony lifted his faceplate to look at the god who sounded like he was purring.
The god looked at him with bright green eyes.
“Are you a shape shifter?”
“Yes why?” He asked not even seeming to be bothered by the fact he had both his arms and legs wrapped tightly around him.
“No reason, you mind giving us back our agents?”
“Will you let me keep hugging you?”
“Yeah sure, come on baby. Let’s get you settled in and we can figure out what’s going on.” He said grabbing the god to help support him as he walked towards the quinjet that landed.
Natasha tried once to remove the god from Tony’s lap. Seeing the god attempt to bite her fingers off had stopped her. Steve was a bit more stubborn and when he was kicked into the side of the quinjet making a dent Natasha threatened bodily harm if he didn’t stop.
They were on their way to Fury when something landed on the top of the quinjet. Loki snarled as the quinjet opened and the hammer wielding god of thunder walked in trying to grab Loki. The god of course was latched on tight to Tony so the god got a nice two for one deal. Well it was nice until Loki shape shifted into a fucking dragon and tail whipped Thor into the ground. If this was a pokemon game Tony was pretty sure the attack would be super effective.
Loki of course didn’t let go of him and flew off towards his tower clenching him in one massive claw. Tony just hung there accepting his fate because in all honesty this wasn’t even new to him. Fenrir, Jörmungandr, and the other animals staying with him had done the same thing. No one would be able to get them away from him for an entire day without risking bodily harm(or in the case of gods/demi-gods death).
When they arrived at the tower Loki shape shifted back and only released him long enough for the armor to come off and then he demanded to be held again. The god was a bit heavier than his kids but Tony just carried the god into the tower. Loki acknowledged his kids when he saw them lounging in front of the TV but like when he picked up the others Loki couldn’t be bothered with anyone else until he finished clinging to Tony.
When Shield finally arrived at the tower Tony had already ordered a shit ton of pizza and was hand feeding Loki who refused to release him to feed himself.
“Stark what the hell is going on?” Fury asked a gun raised.
“Brother what is this madness?” Thor asked apparently having been talked into siding with Shield.
Loki ignored them and nudged Tony silently asking for another bite. Tony picked up the god after he gave him another bite to face Shield and the avengers.
“Please put your weapons down otherwise I can’t be held responsible for what the others do to you.”
“What are you talking about?” Fury nearly snarled.
Tony didn’t even have to answer as both Fenrir and Jörmungandr transformed into their animal forms. Fenrir was big enough that his head touched the roof and Jörmungandr was just as massive as he hissed his poison dripped from his fangs burning holes into his floor.
“Jor, dude my floor.” Tony half whined making the snake stop letting the poison drip.
“Mortal how have you tamed my brother and his children?” Thor asked confused as he lowered his hammer.
“Oh my god guys just accept I’m the best animal whisperer out there. Come sit your asses down and have pizza. Loki here isn’t going to let go of me for a day at least.”
He returned to his seat and didn’t see the frightening grins both Fenrir and Jörmungandr gave the group that convinced them to do as Tony suggested. Tony didn’t even have to ask to know Loki would be joining his weird household of animals and shape shifters.
“Ok I don’t even know how to explain this one.” Tony said trying to avoid dying by patriotic fist of jealous justice.
Tony currently had his arms full of killer assassin aka the Winter Soldier aka Bucky Barnes aka Steve’s forever bestie. The man wasn’t even an animal or shape shifter but when Tony arrived trying to save Steve’s ass the assassin had jumped at him and began clinging the same way Loki and his kids had.
When Steve tried to take Bucky from Tony the assassin had growled and took a swipe at him with his knife. Tony had flicked him on the nose.
“No cutting the American hero. You’ll hurt his delicate virgin feelings.”
Bucky had honest to god giggled. It was adorable and it made Tony tighten his grip on the assassin.
“Yep totally keeping you. No more Hydra for you.”
After the day of clinging to Tony Steve kind of got his best friend back and Hydra was destroyed in a blood rage when they tried to take Bucky back and ended up hurting Tony in the process. If Hydra thought the Winter Soldier was frightening they had clearly never seen the unstoppable force that was Loki, Fenrir, Jörmungandr, Bucky, and a small frightening and adorable force that was Tony’s loyal and protective animals. Seeing Midnight kill almost as many Hydra agents as Loki made him understand how the two had become best friends. How a normal raven stood as an equal with a god probably should have worried Tony but you know Hydra is a dick so he didn’t focus on that.
When Fury arrived after supposedly being killed he’d looked at the group and stared a moment at the killer animals and the assassin who was like an adorable puppy as he clung to Tony. He gave up on questioning it and just told Tony to keep up the good work.
“So how are you able to do attract…animals? Shapeshifters? Killer assassins with a brain that’s gone through a blender?” Clint asked not even sure how to address the group that had been attracted to Tony.
Loki and Bucky were still staying close to Tony and honestly by how affectionate both were it was kind of assumed he was dating them. Steve had long since accepted the fact that Bucky had some weird attraction to the genius.
“No idea. Don’t question it, just accept I’m awesome.”
Clint opened his mouth to question it but a growl from a certain demi-god stopped him. Fenrir and Clint didn’t get along well. Jörmungandr liked the archer a bit too much for the mortal’s comfort. He mostly just liked startling him when he was hanging out in the vents. Most of the time the avengers woke up to the archer screeching in the morning.
“Maybe we should figure out how you attract them. Who knows if it’ll be a problem in the future.” Bruce said ever the man of science and totally Tony’s favorite science bro.
“Nope, totally won’t be a problem.” Tony said continuing to eat his breakfast with the avengers watching concerned.
Of course it became a problem when the city was attacked by a bunch of mythological creatures. A dragon, chimera, Cerberus, and a winged unicorn were terrorizing the city and Steve was already saying no when Tony landed in the middle of the group of creatures.
They formed a protective barrier around him and the avengers just stood there and Tony was looking like a kid in the candy shop.
“I’m keeping them.” He told them as the group clung to him.
“Tony no.” Steve protested in his best Captain America voice.
“Tony yes.” Tony corrected him.
Steve told him no again nearly putting the genius in tears. That day Steve was kicked in the dick by two demi-gods, a god, and an assassin. No one even bothers to mention the fact he was nearly eaten by a dragon, a chimera, and a Cerberus or the fact he was nearly impaled by a unicorn.
The world thought it was adorable that Tony attracted animals and shape shifters alike. Steve and Natasha were concerned about the very real threat of Tony taking over the world with his growing army. Tony had already considered ruling the world but then he got bored and watched movies with his growing army. The world should be thankful that Tony Stark was lazy and easily bored otherwise they’d be serving him as their new king.