You didn't feel comfortable calling Rowena at a time like this, but you didn't know who else to call. She was the closest thing you had to a best friend; if it were up to you, she would be more than that, but for now, you were content with mere friendship. At least this way you got to have her by your side.
"Remember what I told ye about beauty sleep, dear?" she answered, a tad annoyed by your late night call.
You felt guilty for waking her up in the middle of the night, but you were desperate. She was the only one you could trust with this. Sam and Dean would get overly concerned, Castiel would be his usual confused puppy self and wouldn't know what to do, and Crowley… You weren't exactly sure what Crowley would do, but you didn't dare risk it. The King of Hell was an unpredictable creature, a book you could never quite read.
That only left Rowena. Ever the calm and collected, cold and harsh when she needed to be, but sweet on the inside.
"I need you," you sobbed, mentally cursing yourself for allowing your voice to tremble. How dare it betray you like that?
Tears fell down your cheeks in fast, bitter streams, blurring your vision. Your eyes were swollen, a nasty, puffy shade of red. Your hair was a mess, sticking in weird angles which made it resemble a badly made bird's nest.
The last thing you wanted was for Rowena to see you like that, but you had no choice. You couldn't be alone for much longer; even being in that condition was a risk. You didn't dare think what would happen if she rejected you and left you to fend for yourself for the rest of the night.
"Darlin', what's wrong?" she asked, concern replacing the annoyance in her tone.
"I-I can't calm down."
You wildly gestured with your hand, even though she couldn't see you. Packing back and forth, you nervously ran your hand through your hair, then down your neck, before using its top to wipe away your tears.
"It started half an hour ago. I-I tried to stop it, but I can't. Nothing I do seems to work."
You grit your teeth at the last part, pulling hard at a loose strand of your hair. Why couldn't you get it together? Why couldn't you take a breath and calm down like a normal person? Why did everything have to be so difficult with you?
"Alright, listen to me," Rowena urged. If you weren't so out of your mind, you would have chuckled at her mom tone. "I'm comin' over. Stay on the line with me and don't do anythin' ye'll regret."
"Please, hurry," you begged. "I can't be alone for much longer."
"I'm on my way, dear," she assured you. You could hear her moving around, and then a door slammed shut in the background. For someone who usually took her sweet time to make herself presentable, she was incredibly fast. "Sit down and wait for me. Can ye do that?"
You nodded, then, remembering she can't see you, said: "Okay."
You climbed atop your bed, pulling your knees to your chest. You still shook like crazy, swinging back and forth, but hearing her voice, knowing that in just a few minutes she would be here and do everything in her power to get you well gave you hope.
You could do this, you told yourself. You could beat this demon that had been haunting you. You weren't alone anymore; as long as she was here, by your side, you could do anything.
Rowena made sure to keep you talking until she arrived at your apartment. She let herself in using the key you'd given her a few months back in case of emergencies and headed straight for your room.
"Rowena," you whimpered as your horrified, teary eyes met her sympathetic ones. She was clad in a simple dress you assumed had been the first one she could find. Dark circles framed her emerald eyes, giving her an eerie, zombie-like look. She wasn't wearing makeup, and her hair spilled loosely over her shoulders without its usual bounciness. When she said she'd hurry, she meant it. "I…"
She was instantly by your side, pulling you to her, her arms holding you tightly as if they would never let you go again. You allowed yourself to melt into her warmth, letting it drown you and pull you to its burning, loving core you needed more than anything.
"My darlin' girl," she cooed like a mother soothing an ill child. It was times like this that her motherly side came out, despite her vehemently denying its existence. She could be sweet and caring; she could love and cherish and protect, but she needed the right person for it. "What happened? Did someone hurt ye?"
"I remembered," you said simply. She knew what you were talking about without you having to elaborate. She was the only person you'd ever told. Everyone else was living in blissful ignorance. You wouldn't have told her, either, but when she caught you breaking down for the very first time, she demanded to know what was going on and you told her every single detail. You didn't have it in you to lie to her after she was so understanding. "I watched a movie and there was a scene and I just… I remembered everything."
"Oh, darlin." She pressed a kiss to your forehead, cupping your cheeks so she could once again look into your eyes. "I'm so sorry. Talk to me. Tell me what's on yer mind."
"What isn't?" you countered. "It's like I can't feel anything, but at the same time I feel everything, and it's driving me crazy because I don't know what's right and what's wrong and… God, I don't know what to do anymore!"
You got up and started pacing again, your hands nervously playing with the tips of your hair. You ignored the new tears, sniffling as you tried to compose yourself, but no matter what you did, you couldn't get your stormy thoughts to clear.
A mess of words and colors and everything in-between stirred in your head, a wild, unpredictable storm rummaging through you, destroying everything in its path. What were you supposed to say? What were you supposed to do? Could you say and do anything at all?
You weren't certain. All you knew was that you wanted it to stop, but archiving that was next to impossible.
"There's all these words," you pressed your forefinger to your temple, "a-and pictures and I… I don't know what's real anymore." You gave Rowena a look of pure and utter desperation. "I can't do this anymore. I didn't ask for this. I'm a little girl. I'm a baby. I'm not ready; I'm not ready for any of this. I didn't choose this. I didn't want this. Why can't they just leave me alone? I want… I want… I…"
Letting out one final bloodcurdling scream, you fell to your knees, your balled fists pounding at the hardwood floor.
Rowena ran over to you, wrapping her arms around you. You nestled into her, crying into her chest. "I'm a little girl, I'm a little girl…" you chanted over and over again, like a broken record.
"Ye are," she agreed. "Ye're a sweet little girl and ye don't deserve this."
"Please, make it stop. Make it stop," you begged through shaking sobs.
"I'll do my best, darlin'," she promised. "Whatever ye need, I'm here." She pressed a comforting kiss to your hair. "I got ye, my sweet. I got ye."