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Tainted Love: Where did our love go?

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Their relationship, and their shared dream of MSF, lasting for less than three full years…To this day, it was a bitterness Kazuhira Miller couldn’t shake off.

“You sleep okay?”

He blinked awake to an all too familiar deep voice.

Sighing without offering a response, he hoisted himself up as Snake—tenderly, unfortunately—gingerly reattached Kaz's arm and leg prosthetics. He opted to leave his hair down, cascading against his shoulders while stretching outwards.

Both naked in Big Boss’s still warm and messy bed, the forty-nine year old had the misfortune(?) to fall asleep atop Snake. Having roughly fucked Snake missionary-style before they passed out asleep, Kaz didn’t exactly mind the feeling of his leaking cum mixed with lube, dripping out of Snake’s ass…The wicked smirk across Snake’s face told Miller everything he wanted didn’t want to know: John didn’t mind it, either.

So much dirt he could spill from knowledge gained some twenty-three years prior, yet what the hell did it matter anymore? Would Snake himself honestly even care, at this point, when he could just as easily counter-spin his own stories about Miller?

Big Boss made no threats on his life before or during his joining FOXHOUND. If anything, Snake seemed distant due to Kaz’s own approach: Keeping things strictly on the professional level when mutually chewing out their recruits was deemed necessary.

Other than that, no attempts at reaching out were made. Except for…

Kaz just didn’t have the heart, rather, the desire, to transfer with his Bo—the phantom—and Ocelot into Outer Heaven. It was no longer a cause he could believe in. His services to train and meet one of the boys were needed in the States—He’d keep up his end of the twisted 'promise' to that devious cat regardless of whatever it’d mean for himself—despite his occasional, lingering, panic in the back of his mind that threatened to swallow him whole on the bad days.

Snake sharing his cigar—a harmless offering for Peace Day—soon enough turned into sharing some whiskey, which next turned into sharing…

Miller stretched his neck to the side, satisfied with the slight crack. Much better. “Mh. I slept fine.”

That amused glint in Big Boss’s eye…Damn this man. “You don't sound it.”

“Hmph.” He wasted no time in snatching the cigar from his ex-partner's hand, puffing the smoke away. “Finalized divorce papers will do that to you.”

McDonell Benedict Miller—as he went by ever since returning to the States—didn't want to think, then and there. About recent issues like Nadine and little Catherine. About vomiting from the stress once discharged from the hospital in ‘75, once Snake or ‘Medic’ weren’t by his side anymore. So much for Amanda quickly pooling her own resources to get them to safety, after that chopper crash.

If only Kazuhira had known that Eva—alongside Ocelot and mainly Cipher—were in the midst of pooling their resources to the island of Cyprus.

Miller especially would rather not think about his other bout of vomiting, once in the safety of his room, leaving that damn Ocelot who had fiddled about with something in his pocket—apparently some pills and a syringe…?

It had been hard to look at ‘him’, the phantom of him, after the fact.

Despite genuine care naturally evolving…For better and for worse, Venom Snake just wasn't the same man as the real Big Boss.

“Slipped my mind to ask you earlier: What are today’s numbers for the ol’ nuclear stockpile?” Tone purely acidic, vague relief lingered in Miller’s lack of knowledge in Big Boss’s current goals, or in The Patriots. Hope for the future within David was this fatigued man’s personal objective.

It wasn’t as if Kaz wanted Snake’s, Big Boss’s, blood indirectly on his hands, and yet.

One just couldn’t win. Not in this mess of the world at large.

Nowhere near notably, the least Kazuhira could do once molding David would be complete—would be to disappear into solitude; forget his own shitty life. To forget the personal revenge that still ate away his very soul.

The cause of it all, sitting right next to him, merely laughed before a given response. “Heh! Securely call up Ahab yourself?”

Diamond Dogs’ quest for deterrence, dismantling the various PFs throughout the years, felt like a slap in the face, given Big Boss’s orders—Outer Heaven’s 'security options'—for Venom Snake.

The mention of V was a goddamn gaping sore spot some eleven years later—one Kaz knew that Snake knew all too well.

Eventual solitude really was his best option, Kazuhira had mused, while offering choice mutterings to himself.

And yet, he couldn’t say he was unhappy about the mutual choke marks around their necks from prior fun: He privately debated going full force with his prosthetic arm.

He couldn’t bring himself to end Snake.

Not yet.

Not personally.

He’d hold onto his ever decreasing respect for the man eleven years his senior as a warrior, if nothing else.

Whether the stress of that nine-year coma had twisted Snake’s already somewhat warped mind, or the end of Cipher—Zero—truly justified whatever means necessary, Kazuhira despised his conflicted feelings of disgust mixed in with longing, desire, for Big Boss most of all.

Yet, today was still Peace Day.

Perhaps it was best to muster up false cheer and pretend everything was alright.

One. Last. Time.

“I shouldn’t be surprised you’re daydreaming, Kaz, when—”

Faintly smirking, he decided to put both his prosthetic and Snake’s mouth to good use, forcing a blow from the older man mid-sentence. John grunted slightly as Kaz roughly tugged his short, white, hair—of course, using the prosthetic. Shit, John missed his mullet at times like these.

This bitterness and ill will on Kaz’s end…all Snake could do was push it out of his mind.

Whatever would happen to Outer Heaven would happen—rebuilding and recruits were always in large supply. And if something happened to him, personally, certainly Ahab could—

Another interruption. Happily obliging at being forced to take it deeper, John’s tongue lapped the underside of Kaz’s cock. Miller's hand gripping Snake's hair tight in response elicited a gasp from both, for very different reasons.

Mmh…Not bad, Snake. I’m impressed you’re taking my dick like a champ.”

Miller’s forced—fake—semblance of control…At least it was something.

Kaz would rather not think about his own various moments of weakness. His own moments of weakness towards Ocelot, fucking one another in those nine lonely years during Big Boss’s heart-aching coma, or giving into his desires towards Venom Snake, thinking it was him —Kaz’s mixed feelings unfortunately, gradually, cooling. A lie.

He felt himself grow uncomfortably harder at the thought of a shared, quiet, moment between both Big Bosses. Snake tenderly examining V’s face, his scars, his shrapnel…Most likely Ahab the one to, albeit shyly, pull Snake in for a kiss…Which would be quickly reciprocated…

Kazuhira cursed inwardly at the escalating thought. That excitement didn't go unnoticed for Snake to dryly offer, with his lips hovering over Kaz’s member: “Thinking about me, Kaz?”

A loud groan. “Oh, shut up.”

Lazily beginning to jerk his partner’s throbbing dick, Snake could easily guess Miller’s thought process—was that a smirk?—his tongue flickered out to capture Kaz’s gathering precum.  

“Ahab’s not my type.”

Kaz couldn’t help but turn beet red, looking away while messily retying his long hair. “I said shut up!”

Snake simply had no right whatsoever to still be so thick and hairy, so muscular, and…handsome…at his old age.

Damn him.

Kazuhira’s mind began wandering to a peaceful memory, despite his internal chaos.

Some days before the ‘inspection’ was given the go-ahead, before the horrifying Cuban mission that brought their future crashing down, they were embracing, naked, in Snake’s bed. Ever since the Peace Walker Incident and their beach date, Kaz found himself sharing Big Boss's bed more often than not.

Sharing a room at MSF ‘to keep costs down’ had its own, private, advantages.

Atop his Boss with his face buried into the older man’s shoulder, he was planting soft kisses against John’s collarbone. Snake, despite a still quickly thudding heart, lightly ran his fingers through those blonde locks, the other firmly gripping that tight ass to leave scratches. Still inside his partner, John wasn't ready to pull out just yet.

Not yet.

The mood was too peaceful—something desperately needed given the lingering stresses with their personal deterrent stored on Mother Base. A silent warning to the world that their Militaires Sans Frontières was not to be underestimated.

“Boss…” Kaz's smile was shy, a hand resting against that rough cheek, that bristly beard; the quiet midnight atmosphere easing his confession. “I love you.”

In truth, he worked up the courage to admit his feelings—after two long years—on their beach date, whispering “I’m in love with you, Snake.” in between their quickly escalating kisses inside that somewhat ridiculous cardboard box. Soon enough, a breathless Kazuhira had taken the lead, as Snake’s muscular albeit shorter frame withered and bucked beneath him.

Presently, a kiss was planted on Miller's forehead, lips brushing some blonde strands. The swallow before Snake’s quiet reply was thick, almost hesitant. Those occasional nagging fears of somehow losing it all, of MSF not lasting, flashed through his mind.

“…I love you, too.”

A shy smile alongside Kazuhira’s, their foreheads lightly bumped as their eyes closed, breathes slowing, matching, in rhythm.

Maybe they could fall asleep, just like this.

That bittersweet memory was such a different mood to things today, their bruised bodies from earlier rough play and Miller’s shuddering breath with Snake’s legs currently locked against the younger man's ass, holding Kaz in place—inside. Kaz, on top and still in charge, was delighting in his quickening thrusts while Snake grunted. Happy.

“That's it—Kaz, Kaaaz, don't—don't stop, please…”

Another memory, dusted off and resurfacing…

Weeks after the reprimand during their sauna fight, Snake decided to have some fun at Miller’s expense. The blonde was behaving himself, busily, obliviously, on his knees cleaning the sauna as their ‘agreement’ went.

At most, Kaz would've anticipated teasing from Big Boss about ‘Working hard or hardly working?’. Certainly not the heated, near public, passion that transpired next.

Voice low behind the younger man who was easily lifted up, Big Boss simply issued the command: “Strip.”

Kaz was somewhat dizzy from the surprise chokehold and more so that hot, familiar, breath on his neck. Yet he happily obliged, despite his racing heart that kicked into overdrive whenever Snake would manhandle him.

It went unspoken that he gave up bedding women at Snake’s rather physical request, although flirting with male and female staff took much personal restraint. What also went unspoken was their occasional fooling around that turned into something clearly more…Intimate, rather than outright romantic.

Snake tied Miller’s hands behind his back with his discarded yellow ascot during Kaz’s increasingly lewd thoughts and anticipation: to be happily choking on his Boss’s dick.

That anticipation was most evident in the precum leaking out between Miller's shaky legs.The blonde reduced to begging, whimpering, for Snake to take him already.

Snake calmly spread Miller’s asscheeks apart as his XO's moans grew low. He was more than ready, unable to take much more teasing.

Smirking, Snake nibbled Kaz’s ear, beginning to mutter pure, unfiltered, filth about what a perverted slut for a subcommander he had to reprimand. Clearly enjoying the cool lube contrasted with the heat of the room and their bodies, Snake greedily, sensually, fucked Kaz’s twitching ass, Kaz's stomach flat against that sauna wall.

Kaz desperately wished he could interlace his unavailable fingers with Snake’s.

Instead, he was feebly whimpering “Please fuck me, please fuck me, Boss!” every time Snake began slowly pulling out his cock only to slam it deeper, harder. Flesh hitting flesh, balls slapping, the few sounds alongside their moans within that warm room.

Snake's lewd words of encouragement only made Kaz’s painfully hard erection even worse, rubbing against the sauna walls not helping his need for immediate relief. In only his aviators and scarf (sort of), he was at a loss about what to do with himself...Other than enjoy being thoroughly fucked.

“Stay patient, Kaz.”

Snake began licking droplets of accumulated sweat off Miller’s collarbone, earning a delicious shudder.

Gaining Snake's attention, said Boss actually letting loose in their sex life—to hell with Snake's clumsy inexperience with men, besides Kaz himself—it was all Kazuhira wanted.

It was all he really needed—alongside their dream of running the MSF together.

...The following day, they'd together face reprimanding on the importance of staying discreet by their slightly flustered friend, their best Medic, who was thankfully the only one to overhear their obvious—and increasingly loud—moans, en route to the mess hall.

Kaz blinked at the rush of various memories. The sweeter moments, too: Side-by-side 0600 curry-rice dinners after grueling, mutual, paperwork. Surprise affection once MSF celebrations would wind down after a wild night of festive drinking—displayed as innocent chatting in public, like their talking so very close…Nose-to-nose. Even those rare nights Snake stayed in rather than deploying at midnight—Kaz anxiously insisting he'd get enough sleep—at his own concerns as much as Aha—their medic’s.

Warmth would always fill his heart the times it became more frequent: Snake wrapping an arm around Kazuhira’s belly, nodding off asleep with a genuine smile. No night terrors or PTSD about the past. Kaz, for his part, couldn't help but smile infectiously as soon as Snake would drift off—the affection was always welcome, but Big Boss himself finding some measure of peace was nice.

Finding peace…Finding him?

Enough pain filled his heart, his limbs, that blocking out all the bloodshed and death, be it MSF or Diamond Dogs…That was the easy part, the older Miller got.

Delivering a subdued “hate you, get the hell out of my life!” bubbled to the surface of Kaz’s throat, yet somehow—

The words didn't come.

Instead, he'd settle for internally cursing his luck at the rather possessive kiss the Snake demanded. Kazuhira cursed his luck even more at how eagerly he personally reciprocated.


It wasn't supposed to be this way. This certainly was not how he planned things those long eleven years ago!

And it certainly spoke volumes of Kaz’s own feelings that he did it without protection with only Snake, or Venom—both knew and respected Kaz's painful situation about his mother—but Kaz truthfully preferred to not overthink things if together both Bosses had ever…He wiped away his slight, sudden, nosebleed.

Just the thought of Venom kissing his ex-Boss, red bionic fingers lightly brushing back the other man’s beard as their lips slowly met, unfortunately caused Miller’s heart to race.

No. He wouldn’t dare to think about his heart aches for either man—Especially the painful truth that one who deserved his love lived nearly half the world away. He wouldn’t think about how heart ache due to either Big Boss would last the rest of his lifetime.

Given the nature of their work, Kazuhira would be hardly surprised if he went out with a clean bullet through his brain. His surprise would be even less regarding Big Boss haunting him beyond the ultimate peace of death. It would be just his luck…A bitter smile grew at the thought.

A clearly puzzled blue eye made contact with his paler blue eyes…Kaz could only ignore the burning heat of his cheeks—his increasingly hard to ignore thoughts of being taken by both Bosses, moaning in pure ecstasy all the while—and pushed Snake away, who was thoroughly enjoying their fucking. Snake's leaking cock, sandwiched between their bellies, was the perfect indicator.

“C'mon, don't stop now, Kaz…”

“How the hell is an old fart like you so damn horny?!”

Boisterous laughter was the only response. That was a good one. 

This day's little arrangement…Rekindling their feelings? Whatever one would call it. It was fine, as it was Peace Day…For now, his desires for revenge were vaguely cooled.

In John’s mind, silently requesting forgiveness—however vague it was—in the form of sex was alright.

This was alright.

Unable to keep his thoughts to himself any longer, Snake’s hands fell to either side of Kaz’s cheeks, forcing their eyes to meet. Unfortunately, words needed to be said.

“Kaz. I still…”

No good. Giving way to a bitter smile, John couldn’t bring himself to finish.

Kaz, slowing their pace to instead throb inside the other man, didn’t break eye contact—for once. A face of utter calm, contemplative. He replied with a sniffle. “You always were sentimental.”

Big Boss scoffed as their faces drew close. They were so very close. Nose to nose, now, as heat continued to radiate below. “Hardly. I’m just a possessive bastard.”

At that, Miller cracked a genuine smile. One happy memory resurfaced: the mutual confession on their beach date. Had it really been twenty-one years? “Finally you see it.”

Snake’s fingers tangled blonde locks while Miller bumped their foreheads together through closed eyes. “I’ve always seen it—Just never gave it much thought.”

“You understand how all this will end for you…right?”

Kaz’s eyebrows shot up in surprise at Snake swallowing the lump in his throat. “I don’t blame you. As for me? I’m tired of the grip those bastards have on the world.”

“Fuck Zero’s schemes and fuck your nation!” Is this really the world that woman would've wanted? Somehow, Miller doubted it. Slight anger, personal hurt, rose to the surface through Kazuhira’s trembling voice. “The fact of the matter is you don’t even care about us—again!”

“It's not that. It’s just…” Snake was smiling, bitterly. “Triumph, death…We aren’t allowed either.”

Both men’s eyes gathering faint wetness and their close proximity was far too overwhelming. He had to leave. This moment of weakness—today’s date aside—couldn’t happen.

Not ever again.

Yet, that strong, sudden, grip on either of his wrists prevented Kaz from leaving. Momentarily disregarding his own prosthetic arm as their eyes locked once more.

“…Forgive me.”

Fuck. You. Not a chance.

Not even in whatever Hell they’d meet in, within the next life.

Eyes squeezing shut, Kaz would ignore those tears that managed to escape, that rolled down his cheeks within this harsh reality…

Succumbing to his own weaknesses and hangups, Kazuhira let a sigh escape as Snake had flipped their positions to be on top, biting against Kaz's lower lip before licking those tears away. Miller's arms instinctively wrapped around the older man’s neck—perhaps tighter than intended. Enjoying the choke hold, Snake simply offered a wicked grin before lightly gnawing  Kaz’s ear while managing to whisper: “Let me ride you.”

Kaz looked away to openly admit his own bitter, painful, feelings. He grit his teeth, huffing.

“You really are the worst if you think sex will fix the hole in my hear—”

Snake shut up his former XO with a deep, messy, kiss. He didn't mind tasting himself from earlier.

Miller, for his part, just as well let the other man have his way—they both understood their inevitable situation. Snake wordlessly lubed up Kaz’s cock and his own ass, two fingers coated.

Nothing more needed to be said.

Moaning loud, peppering that neck in messy kisses mixed with occasional love bites, words managed to come. “I told you before, Snake…This changes nothing.”

The slick sensations were incredibly overwhelming, Snake slowly taking Kaz in deeper. “How could I ever forget us fucking in that bath together?”

So much water wasted…The billing at Diamond Dogs that month must've…

A wry smile. Maybe Kaz would be amused that his money conscientious side rubbed off?

Something was muttered in Japanese. Snake could only blink—especially at Kaz's sudden, willing, forehead kiss. Kazuhira hadn’t breathed a word of his native tongue in years.

Smiling warmly, John's retaliation was nibbling that lower lip.

With a smirk, Kaz panted out a response, tantalizingly slow in raking his fingernails across Snake’s back and ass.

“All these years and you can't forget how my body tastes, huh, Boss?” He couldn't help the slip-up of Snake’s other name.

Their tongues immediately, messily, met. Sex was the perfect distraction from the pain in an otherwise perfect evening. Kaz’s hand—his flesh hand—found its way to rest over one of Snake’s calloused ones—atop Snake's twitching, precum coated, cock. Together they began jerking Snake off, in between Kaz’s agonizingly slow thrusts.

Fuuuck, I—shit, Kaz—!”

“I know, already…You've been needing some attention, too.”

Kaz couldn't help but plant a kiss on Snake's nose. He'd always been kinda cute when horny.

Their unspoken agreement to not think about anything else—for now—had to have been their smartest decision all night.

They lay, their backs touching through disheveled covers in the still darkness. A quiet night at their training facility. Exhausted. Silent.

However many hours had passed as they just lay, half-asleep and lost in their own draining thoughts, was unknown.

Snake couldn't search for anything to say. “You can rest up, if you’d like.” His throat cleared before he nodded towards his other room, his office. “I have reports to finish.”

Again, Kaz’s flesh hand gripped Snake’s wrist. The sixty year old blinked.

“Just…hold on, Snake.”

He was taken aback by Kazuhira’s intimacy. Too startled to smile. “Uh. Sure…?”

Sitting up, he reached over across Snake for the nightstand. The phone. While Kaz busied himself with dialing a number, John slumped, his back against the headboard. His eye traveled to his ceiling. Yawning, pushing away thoughts like budget finalizing and approval letters, he could—most importantly—really go for a smoke.

“David? It's me.”

Bolting upright with a start, Snake began rummaging about his drawers. The need for his cigar was now.

Kaz continued in his nauseatingly cheerful manner, charm from his youth in full force. Still, his exhaustion in the back of his mind, fatigue from years of pent-up stress, ensured he took careful note of Big Boss’s narrowing eye.

Miller knew damn well if he ever let David in on the truth about his heritage, well—family squabbles were best left between the involved parties.

“Uh huh. Hey, your fa—ahem—sorry, something in my throat. Your Boss and I have a job proposition for you. Now, it's all under the table, but a mutual friend stationed in South Africa could use your talent. I'm always telling you your potential is there, right?”

Ignoring Kaz’s accidental slip up, Snake just blinked mid cigar-puff, overhearing this…frankly unprecedented job offer. That unwavering fatigue in Kaz’s eyes told Snake everything he had to know—all that blood, so much blood, because of their work was tiring.

Both men desperately needed another option in their crazy, messy, lives—whether or not Kaz ultimately decided to do this for himself.