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Sex Tape

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“Why hello, Kyouya-sempai,” Kaoru slurred, leaning against the doorframe in what he hoped doubled as a sexy pose as well as a preventative measure to falling over.

 “I’ve come to request your… services.” 

Kyouya paused, giving his boyfriend a scrutinizing look. He regarded Kaoru from his flushed cheeks down to his fashionably arranged tank top and skinny jean combo that was somehow still able to pull off in his late twenties.

“What are you doing?”

“I’d like to request the cool type,” Kaoru explained, grinning, then:

“I’m roleplaying,” he stage whispered when Kyouya remained skeptical and silent.

 “Where have you been for the last twenty minutes?” he asked finally.

 Kaoru tilted his head coquettishly and batted his eyelashes with all the grace of, well, someone who had made it his high school career to tilt his head coquettishly and bat his eyelashes.

“I was down the hall working on the script for what I was going to say when I got here,” he crooned, swaying forward only a little unsteadily, playing with the hem of Kyouya’s collar.

Kyouya shook his head, “That last round of daiquiris was clearly one too many rounds of daiquiris.”

“You’re drunk too! I can tell because you’re practically 50% more Japanese than I am and you look like a pumpkin,” Kaoru argued. It was a testament to how many daiquiris Kyouya had actually consumed that his only response to this was to give Kaoru a raised brow.

 Kaoru successfully guided Kyouya onto the bed in their shared hotel room and placed kisses along his jaw.

 “Kaoru…” Kyouya sighed, brushing the twin’s hair away from his eyes, “We’ve done nothing but lounge by the pool all day and these statements need to be completed by tomorrow.”

 “You know you could do those things in under an hour.” Kaoru started to unbutton Kyouya’s shirt. When it was fully open, he sat up suddenly and grabbed Kyouya’s hips, yanking him forward.

“Come on,” he breathed, leering up at Kyouya in a way that was more reminiscent of his brother.

“I want the glasses character,” he purred.

 Kyouya groaned.

“Yes, okay, let’s have sex, but stop with the glasses character act, it’s incredibly disconcerting.” 

“Alright, alright, but wait… can you just do that thing where your frames catch the light just so and then glint all spooky like?” Kaoru chuckled in delight.

“Kaoru, when have I ever left my glasses on during sex?” Kyouya said grumpily, maybe blushing only a little.

“There’s a first time for everything,” Kaoru said in a sing-song voice. He took Kyouya’s glasses off and rested them on the bedside table for him.

 “Now, get on your stomach,” he ordered.

 ***

Kaoru woke to his phone going off and groaned, noticing how early it was. He considered ignoring it for a second but decided against it after imagining what would happen if Kyouya was woken too early. And hung-over. And possibly a little sore.

Kaoru sighed and touched answer, pillowing the phone between his cheek and the bed.

“Hello,” he mumbled.

“Hey, so, uh… how are you?” his brother’s voice sounded through the speaker. Kaoru yawned.

“Pretty good. Hung-over and tired. Why are you calling so early?” Kaoru whispered, checking to make sure that Kyouya was still fast asleep on his side of the bed.

“So, um… have you turned on the TV at all today?” Hikaru asked.

“No, I just woke up. Why?”

Hikaru cleared his throat.

“Look, just… Just go turn on the TV.”

“Which channel?” Kaoru asked as he rolled out of the bed and traipsed into the gigantic parlor of the beautiful hotel room Kyouya’s money paid for.

“It doesn’t matter,” Hikaru said miserably.

Kaoru rolled his eyes at his brother’s dramatics and switched on the television and stared.

“Holy shit,” he said after a long moment of silence.

 “Yeah,” Hikaru agreed.

Kyouya!” Kaoru shouted in increasing panic as he dropped his phone on the carpet, Hikaru forgotten.

***

“So… does anyone want to explain how this happened?” Haruhi asked both Kyouya and Kaoru who were sitting wearing very solemn and somewhat sheepish faces.

“Well, we’d been at the bar and I thought he looked really handsome that night and—“

“Not that!” Haruhi barked, shooting Kaoru an indignant look, “How did someone manage to film you having intercourse and get it to every reporter in the country before either of even realized it?”

“And you!” she admonished, directing her disapproval towards Kyouya.

“Where was your cavalry of security guards when you actually needed them?”

Kyouya looked tired, but not distressed. A sex scandal was amateur hour in this business. And he wasn’t exactly ashamed that Kaoru was his lover. No, that part was fantastic. The only reason it had been kept relatively secret up until this point was because it hadn’t been anyone’s business. The bit about this whole fiasco that really got under Kyouya’s skin, was the blackmailing part.

Kyouya Otori did not appreciate being blackmailed.

He folded his arms and sniffed, “They were standing guard outside the hotel. The camera used to film us must have been placed in the room before we arrived and somehow averted their suspicion.”

“And anyway, we’re a happy, monogamous couple. I’ve done nothing to jeopardize my enterprise by being with Kaoru, so can we focus our attention on that.”

Haruhi sighed, flipping through her notes.

“Look, I’m saying this as your friend as well as your legal council. I know you’re not sleeping together to engage in sketchy business affairs. Be that as it may… it does look in the video as though you are an escort,” she said giving Kaoru a pointed look.

Kaoru exchanged sheepish glances with both of his friends.

“I was just fooling around, I didn’t know it was going to be taken out of context!” he cried in defense.

“Not to mention,” Haruhi continued, still searching through her notes, “This is the most boring sex tape I’ve ever seen. I mean, there’s about fifteen minutes of you guys just kissing and talking and between 00:46:38 and 01:23:40 both of you are under the covers with the lights off and it sounds like Kyouya is explaining something about company finance. The worst you have to worry about is the public being bored to death.”

“Hey, our sex life is--!”

“So, you don’t think it will be an issue to clean up this little mess?” Kyouya cut Kaoru off before he could incriminate them further.

“Obviously,” Haruhi responded and then stroked her chin thoughtfully.

“You know… It's a good thing no one filmed Tamaki having sex and tried to blackmail him with it. Honestly, the amount of times he ejaculates into his own eye and bursts into tears…” she lowered her voice to a whisper, “They know our phone number at the E.R.”

***

“Sir, we’ve identified the breach in security,” Kyouya’s head of security, Honda, announced.

Kyouya looked up from the paperwork on his desk.

“Excellent, Honda. You may debrief me.”

“Sir, the footage seems to have been recorded from a camera hidden within this first aid kit. It was placed inside your hotel room after we scoured the premises for suspicious materials and before your and master Kaoru’s return.

Kyouya examined the offered first aid kit and raised an eyebrow.

“Well that is certainly an interesting development.”

***

Kyouya: What are you doing later?

Kaoru: you, probably

Kaoru: ;)

Kyouya: Why did I even ask.

Kyouya: I need you to be at the office at around 6 PM tonight.

Kyouya: I’m inviting a few important guests, so dress appropriately.

Kaoru: hey

Kaoru: i might have accidentally gotten us into a weird sex scandal

Kaoru: but if ur having a party

Kaoru: you know ill be there

Kaoru: and you know ill look good

Kyouya: Excellent.

Kyouya: And if everything goes well…

Kyouya: Maybe that other thing you mentioned.

Kaoru: ;))))) :* <3

Kyouya: <3

***

The party started at six pm sharp. Guests arrived in limos and were escorted to the ballroom by Kyouya’s guards. Tamaki was talking jovially to one of the many news reporters present and Haruhi wasn’t far behind, ready to yank him away if he said something stupid.

The rest of the host club was there of course. Kaoru nodded at his brother as made his entrance. Honey was already eating even though no food had been brought out yet with Mori standing dutifully by his side.

And among them all were former clients, beautiful successful women and their partners milling about, talking excitedly with the host club, catching up and making small talk.

Across the hall, Kaoru saw Kyouya’s brother, Akito, who was looking as though he’d just smelled something rather unpleasant. Kaoru rolled his eyes at that. He didn’t have any time for that attitude, so he made his way to Kyouya’s side instead.

“Hey,” he said, smiling.

“Hello,” Kyouya said back and gave him a genuine smile that was nothing like the fake one he’d been dishing out to the press. Kaoru squeezed his hand.

The press conference started promptly at seven. Kyouya and Kaoru stood side by side at a podium surrounded by flashing lights and microphones. Kaoru saw Renge in the crowd and flashed her a peace sign and a grin.

Kyouya stepped up to the microphone and started to speak, “Welcome ladies and gentlemen to tonight’s impromptu affair. I thank you all for coming out on such late notice. As you may have heard, the company I built, KO Enterprises, has been caught in quite a “scandal” recently. I wanted to make absolutely sure that there is no confusion about the relationship that I have with Mr. Kaoru Hitachiin. He is, and has been, my romantic partner for several years.”

At this, Kyouya sighed dramatically, and took Kaoru’s hand.

“It depresses me greatly to see our relationship made a mockery of. Our privacy was breeched in order to publicly humiliate us, yet… I am not humiliated, because nothing was shown that I did not wish to publicly express: I love you, Kaoru.” 

The room exploded in chatter. Former clients were enraged by the whole affair, some standing on chairs to scream their support for the couple. The press was shouting questions and pushing each other to get a closer look. Kyouya held up his hand and the room grew silent.

“The person who insidiously captured this very private moment on film and released it to the public had demanded that I step down from KO Enterprises or more footage will be released,” Kyouya paused, “I refuse.” He said, steely. Kaoru resisted the urge to roll his eyes at Kyouya’s theatrics but it sure was working. The crowd erupted again.

“Hey,” Mori said, showing the rest of the host club his phone, “KO Enterprise’s stocks are going through the roof. The news traveled throughout the crowd and soon, it felt like a party again. Everyone was celebrating Kyouya and Kaoru and asking the lovers questions like, “What’s your favorite romantic getaway location?” and “Would you be willing to do a couples photoshoot for our magazine?”

“ENOUGH!” someone shouted and immediately the room quieted down. Everyone turned to look who had yelled and saw Akito, red in the face and absolutely fuming. He stalked up to Kyouya, fists clenched.

“I released that video,” he hissed.

“Really,” Kyouya said flatly, “And why, my dear brother, did you do that.” He didn’t sound like he particularly cared but Akito barreled on anyway.

“You have no right to leave Otori Corporation and build a company that competes with your own family’s business! Have you no sense of decency whatsoever, you little brat?!” Akito shrieked.

Kaoru looked at Kyouya, “Can I hit him?”

“No,” Kyouya answered, “he’s dug his own financial grave. And it was so easy to draw him out, too. Pathetic, really.”

“How. How did you know it was me?” Akito yelled.

“I figured it out when I saw the hidden camera hiding in a first aid kit trick,” Kyouya said triumphantly. News reporters were scribbling wildly around them as this scene unfolded.

Haruhi leaned over to her husband, “Why do they even have that?” she whispered.

“Well, I hope you’re pleased with yourself, you little rat,” Akito spat as Kyouya’s guards arrived just in time to haul him away.

“Well, I hope you fall down the stairs bust your ugly face, you ignorant dickwad,” Kaoru retorted.

Hikaru whistled under his breath, “That was a Hitachiin classic right there.”

“I’m gonna kick him in the nuts, Kyouya, don’t stop me—“

But Kyouya did stop him. He grabbed his hand and pulled him close, and he was smiling—really smiling.

“I love it when you say terrible things,” he whispered and kissed Kaoru on the mouth.

The room, of course, exploded again. Akito was dragged out and the pair rejoined the party. Former clients were thrilled at the night’s events, eager to chip in a donation to KO Enterprises and surprisingly, very proud of Kaoru.

“Wow, Kaoru, that was so assertive of you! Why didn’t we see more of that in high school?”

The party wound down and soon only the host club remained, sitting in a circle, talking about the old days.

“I don’t think the old days were ever this wild,” Hikaru said, shaking his head.

“Says you,” Haruhi smiled from Tamaki’s lap.

“Guys, I just wanted to say…” Kaoru started, soberly. Everyone turned to Kaoru.

“I just still can’t believe… that it wasn’t my brother that filmed me having sex and tried to black mail us.”

Hikaru took off his shoe and threw it at his brother while the rest laughed.

***

Kaoru was undressing in Kyouya’s bedroom that night when he heard a knock at the door. He cautiously opened it, only to see his boyfriend leaning against the door frame.

“Hello, I’d like to request the devilish type,” Kyouya said with a wink.

“Sorry,” Kaoru sighed, “That only works when I’m feigning sexual interest in my brother. Should I text him?”

“God, no,” Kyouya said, leading Kaoru to their bedroom.

“Well, I just can’t work under these conditions,” Kaoru grinned, letting Kyouya guide him onto the bed.

Kyouya kissed him softly on the lips.

“What if I say something like this: ‘but Kaoru, you always like it when we play doctor games at home~’”

Kaoru snorted with mirth, “No, no, you’re doing it wrong. Turn your head gently to side, flush your cheeks, eyes half-closed and now whimper—Oh god, no, stop that it’s terrifying.

“Come on doctor, I need an examination,” Kyouya pressed, trying to pout.

“You have to pretend you don’t want it,” Kaoru chastised, grinning.

“But I do want it,” Kyouya demanded, “Give it to me.”

“Amazing…” Kaoru said in mock awe, “How I can be a better top and a better bottom than you, I’m like a whole host club all in o—“

But he didn’t get to finish that sentence because Kyouya cut him off with a kiss.

***

Kaoru wiggled in the rumpled sheets.

“I'm going to have to politely disagree with Haruhi, I think our sex life is very entertaining," he said.

Kyouya was settling his glasses back on his nose

"I agree, can you pass me my laptop, I need to balance the accounts."

Kaoru gazed at naked boyfriend with his dumb sex hair opening up Microsoft Excel not three minutes after they’d just finished.

“So cool,” he mumbled, before falling asleep curled into Kyouya’s side.