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Selections from Sleep Study #23

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Owing much to the success of the past 22 studies conducted on the selfsoulsubject in question, a 23rd study will proceed according to the same set conditions of constant observation and minimal interference.


[9248.13] Selfsoulsubject makes cutest noise if gently tapped on button nose during stage N3 sleep. This is an objective evaluation that has been properly checked for bias and found to be 100% accurate. Cutest.

[9254.20] Selfsoulsubject has foregone sleep in favor of 48-hour cryptography challenge issued by MI-13. Certain operatives are currently receiving sternly worded letters regarding their decision to invite him.

[9257.09] While possessing only half the necessary limbs, selfsoulsubject’s impression of a restless octopus remains artistically sound. Reference photos have been added to the research gallery.

[9260.38] Selfsoulsubject valiantly battled insomnia but did not prevail. Perhaps a comparatively brief rest state (colloquially termed nap) will be an acceptable recourse later in the day. Because they are not only for babies, but for tired humans in general.

[9261.35] Selfsoulsubject’s laptop was confiscated at exactly 22:00 to prevent late night stimulation. However, replacement book appears to have been overly fascinating, as he did not put it down until completion at 4:26. This is not a viable method of encouraging slumber.

[9262.11] Your humble researcher was instructed to stop hovering and start counting sheep. Approximately 1,394 sheep herded into mental flock before selfsoulsubject entered rest state.

[9263.09] Night terrors.

[9267.23] Selfsoulsubject verbalized dream sequence for 54:15:27 minutes. Unfortunately, Rassilon is unlikely to have listened to his proposals for Gallifrey, as he was speaking in Klingon. A high level of oratory talent was nevertheless displayed.

[9271.36] Selfsoulsubject entered a rest state while reclining on the living room couch 44:21 minutes prior to an unnamed messianic teammate leaping over the back of the couch without checking if said furniture was in use. Both subjects have learned a valuable lesson. (They also required soothing tea after shouting at each other for approximately forever.)

[9273.15] Perhaps due to stress from the day’s mission, selfsoulsubject’s transmode virus activated shortly into stage N2. While non-aggressive, it nevertheless attempted contact via hailing channel, broadcasting nonsensical binary as well as urgency. Selfsoulsubject echoed this call via occasional whines measured at 22dB. Hypothesis: The existence of a nearby secondary virus carrier aggravates this condition.

[9276.03] Henceforth a new branch of research will proceed regarding the effects of nocturnal separation. Observation will continue from a distance. A spy-eye has been erected exactly 500m distant with a direct view through selfsoulsubject’s bedroom window.

[9276.24] 2.875x more frowns than usual observed throughout the night.

[9277.08] Selfsoulsubject kicked off sheets during rest state. Sheets replaced with great haste. Separation terminated. Your humble researcher is weak.

[9282.33] 191 rounds of Questions Game completed before rest state finally achieved. Selfsoulsubject cheated, but for sake of slumber, no fouls were called.

[9284.10] Night terrors. Current average hovers at one occurrence per three week period. While this is significant improvement from the regularity observed in studies 1-5, it remains undesirable. Further research necessary.

[9288.21] Selfsoulsubject responds to soothing chirps with recitations of Mongolian poetry. Significant change in pitch elicits a change in language, while a change in rhythm elicits a change in meter. Currently seeking proper combination for Shakespeare.

[9291.16] Selfsoulsubject has rejected pillow and prefers to teeter over the bed's edge, one arm thrown into the abyss. As continued dangling will result in a backache in the morning, his posture has been forcibly corrected amid unintelligible grumbles.

[9293.98] After an 18-hour mission, selfsoulsubject collapsed into bed while awaiting next available shower. Rest state ensued in under two minutes. Your humble researcher has commenced boot removal and uniform-pajama replacement effort.

[9297.22] Selfsoulsubject has rolled onto his back and will not cease making a strange expression at the ceiling. Sensors indicate that he is in REM sleep. Gentle pokes to his exposed belly result in huffy noises that resemble piglet oinks. All laughter has been muted so as not to influence this display.

[9302.28] Selfsoulsubject lashed out and violently elbowed the wall during his slumber. Wall is undamaged. Damage to selfsoulsubject has been repaired with a sufficient number of band-aids.

[9302.35] Your humble researcher has been informed that 17 band-aids was…overly sufficient.

[9305.07] Despite dropping temperature, selfsoulsubject refuses to adopt a thicker covering of blankets. Your humble researcher has resorted to increased proximity and an external body temperature regulated to keep selfsoulsubject suitably warm. Additionally, socks have been enforced.

[9308.13] Breakthrough. But are results repeatable?

[9309.19] Results are repeatable!

[9314.08] When selfsoulsubject is trapped in an enduring restless state, the following pattern has been observed: If a light touch is applied to the scars on selfsoulsubject’s right side, he responds with a grunt and a grab of the offending arm, yanking it across himself as he turns onto his left side. Though he does not free this arm, most happily regrettably holding it hostage for the duration of the night, his slumber eases into something your ecstatic researcher would without hesitation classify as almost peaceful.


Conclusion: Selfsoulsubject prefers to be little spoon.

No further research is necessary at this time.