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You are my life

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HARVEY’S POV
Very few things truly mattered to me in life. I tried to stay calm & kept away from as many attachments as possible. I did it with Scottie and god knows that I know that distancing myself from relationships and attachments only worked against me. But I’ll never be ready to put out my heart, making it vulnerable to get hurt and torn by anyone who deemed themselves fit. Hence to save myself from the grieving heartbreak and instead of facing my very obvious trust issues I took the easier option of not making many emotional attachments.

However the ones that I did make were very important to me. One of these few trusted people were Donna, the redhead who was currently standing in my office with a look on her face that told me that she was going to ask me a favour, one that I was not gonna like. Instead of beating around the bush I decided that it was better that we just got the point. So going with this approach I quickly gave Donna my I-know-you-wanna-ask-me-something-that-I-won’t-like look. Not many people knew this look of mine but Donna was one of the few who did. She took this as her queue to come straight to the point.

“I need a favour from you.”

“Donna I’m not extending your Christmas leave from 1 to 2 weeks. I already give u a week, thats 4 days more than the other secretaries. I can’t give you more. ”

“That’s because none of those secretaries are as good as me. I’m Donna and they’re not. That explains all. Anyways this was not the reason that I came to you although this decision over Christmas leave is disputable. The reason I came to you was that I need you to let someone stay over at your house for a few weeks.”

“Donna I don’t are what you say but I’m not letting your parents stay at my place. You tricked me once, never again. So…”

But before I could continue on Donna interrupted me saying, “No that’s not who is going to stay at your place. Its actually someone else. My childhood friend is in town.
She just quit her job and is here for her interview to a new job. But she’s a little tight on the money right now.”

“If that’s the case and she is such a close friend of yours then why aren’t you asking her to stay at your place. I know its not as big as mine but its enough for two to stay. Or is there something else I need to know.” I said giving Donna one of my suspicious looks.

“Oh stop with the suspicion. If there was something I wanted to hide from you I would have hidden it so well that you wouldn’t be able to tell even you had Sherlock Holmes with you. And to answer your question no I’m not hiding anything from you.

As much as I would love for her to stay at my place my place is a mess as the house is getting refurnished and renovated. I have grown accustomed to waking up to the smell of paint instead of bacon in the morning but I don’t want her to suffer the same fate. Especially after the last few weeks she’s had.

So I’m asking it of you Harvey. Will you let her stay at your place ?”

“Fine I’ll let her stay, just for you but tell her not to disturb my lifestyle in any way and we’ll get along just fine.”

“Fine she won’t interfere. Anything else your highness?” she said pulling her amused face on.

“No that’ll be all.”

With a smile on her face she turned and was about to exit the room when she turned towards me with a very serious look on her face that made me sober up instantaneously.

“Yes Donna?” I said looking towards her with a confused look on my face.

“Harvey she is really important to me so do not even try to get involved with her cause with your history we both know how that’ll end.”

“And how’s that?” I said pulling a straight face.

“With both the people getting hurt so badly that either one of you leave or swear to never see each other’s face ever again.” she said with a sadness in her voice.

“Ok Dr.Phil if you’re done with your quota for today’s analysis of Harvey’s love life can we please move on. I swear not to get involved with her. I even pinky promise.” I said raising my pinky finger in the air to emphasize my point.

“Harvey its not funny. I’m serious” she said giving me her this is no bullshit look.

“And I’m not joking. I’ll refrain from getting involved with her. And its not like I won’t be able to resist her.” I said getting back to my work.

“O you say that now but when you see her that won’t be so easy to follow up on. Anyways I just wanted you to know that she is off limits so u keep your hands off her.” She said turning towards her table.

“Wait you didn’t even tell me her name.” I said causing her to stop in her path.

“Katherine Isla. That’s all you need to know.” She said and with that she returned to her table and started working as diligently as ever as though nothing happened.

End Of Chapter 1

Chapter Text

HARVEY’S POV

It had been a few days since the incident with Donna. Although Donna went on without a care in the world I on the other hand had a lot on my mind. Donna’s mysterious friend was stuck in my mind.

I couldn’t forget the fact that Donna had practically called her irresistible , which for me was a great achievement considering that the compliment came from Donna, The Goddess Donna who was always dressed to impress, each day at the office.

I had to admit that I was a little excited to meet this mysterious friend of Donna’s. Although she may be off limits yet it didn’t reduce any of the curiosity I had for this mysterious friend of hers. After slyly asking Donna and being called on each attempt by Donna I was able to know the day when she would arrive in my apartment and when I would finally see this supposedly irresistible friend of Donna’s.

She was to arrive back in the city today after a two day trip to Bronx. All her stuff was to come in somewhere near tomorrow morning. She was coming to the office today at lunch time and the two would together go to get lunch at Donna’s favourite restaurant.

Today would be the first time I would be meeting her. And to say that I was looking forward to the meeting was an understatement. Although I would never say that out loud but then again Donna never really needed to hear words to understand what I was feeling.

As I returned to reality and busied myself with my work I lost track of time and soon enough it was time for lunch. I first thought of waiting for the irresistible Katherine but then deemed it as too desperate an attempt to see her and decided to grab lunch from the cart out-front anyway. Who knows when this Katherine was going to arrive and I was surely not going to starve myself for her.

I was just returning to my office when I saw something that stopped me dead in my tracks. I was looking at Louis, smiling ear to ear, talking to a woman clad in green. The woman looked absolutely gorgeous.

Although she was mostly hidden from my sights, standing with her back towards me and only a part of her face visible. However, I could tell that she truly would be stunning with just one look at her.

However her beauty didn’t surprise me but what did surprise me was the expression on Louis’ face. He genuinely smiled at her and gave her an expression as though he was talking to an angel, a bumped look written all over his face.

Usually when Louis was genuinely smiling the other person was not. In fact they often seemed to be irritated with his smile. However this woman seemed to be doing the opposite.

Instead of trying to look for an escape from Louis’ company and looking irritated and agitated the woman looked quite the opposite.

She had a beautiful smile pasted on her lips which were painted a shade of nude. To my surprise she even laughed wholeheartedly at one of Louis’ jokes and looked as though she was genuinely enjoying his company. Well that certainly didn’t happen very often.

However as if the shocking sight of this beautiful, green-robed woman having an actual conversation with Louis that too willingly was not enough I saw Donna come out of nowhere and all but jump on the woman. They seemed to be embracing for a whole minute before Donna pulled back and turned to talk to Louis.

As Donna talked to Louis I started wondering who this beauty could be.

She certainly couldn’t be a client that was for sure after seeing the kind of welcome Donna had just given her. Who could it be then? As I started going through my mental list of all of Donna’s gorgeous friends I realized that this was Katherine. Of course. It had to be.

After all she was to come in to take Donna to lunch today. How could I be dumb enough not to realize that? Well I blame it on her beauty, after all I was never able to resist a beauty, even one which was off limits. Just cause I was forbidden to taste an exotic fruit didn’t mean I couldn’t look at it.

I was just busy with my thoughts when I saw Louis leave and Katherine finally turned and now was standing with her face towards me. I was now getting a full view of her as she stood there, chatting animatedly with Donna.

It seemed that as I stood there taking her in, neither of the two had noticed me and were oblivious to the world around them.She was wearing a basil green backless dress which ended just above her knees and the neckline and sides of the dress had a network of thin green strings. The dress hugged her in all the right places and showed off her stunning curves. She had paired it with a beautiful lush green handbag, a clashed necklace and a pair of beautiful lush green drop earrings. She had completed the look with beautiful spur green wedges and a pair of forest green goggles.

Although I am often impressed with beautiful women dressed in gorgeous dresses however there was hardly a time when I was so mesmerized by someone’s appearance. The dress spoke casual yet classy, welcoming yet sophisticated.

The dress truly showed of her assets in a very subtle and refined manner and made her look like a modern diva in the true meaning of the word. The only other women who I’d known to carry themselves with such splendor were Jessica and Donna.

I was just staring at her when I realized that it was very impolite of me to stand there peering at her like a pervert hidden in a corner.

I decided that I must go and introduce myself to this beauty. I had just taken a few steps in her direction when I stopped on seeing Donna turning and spotting me approaching her. The hard stare that she gave me made me reconsider my decision to go and meet Katherine and I changed my decision ,thinking that whenever donna was ready to introduce the two of us she would.

After all she had to somewhere in the near future, there’s only so long you can keep the person who’s going to share a house with u from meeting each other. I nodded slightly to Donna, relaying to her that I had received her message loud and clear and with that I coolly turned back and made a beeline for my office. I had a lot of work to do.

As I sat in my chair and was about to resume my work I felt someone staring at me and looked up to see who was staring at me. I swear sometimes Donna can be really infuriating and annoying.

However instead of being greeted by Donna’s hazel brown eyes I was met with a pair of enchanting sea blue eyes. For a moment I just looked at them and felt a sort of unexplainable pull keeping me from breaking the gaze while the moment seemed to stretch on. However the magical gaze was broken when someone pulled away those beautiful pair of sea blue eyes.

I saw the two of them getting into the lift and the gates closing but not before my eyes once again met with those captivating pair of eyes. As I recovered form the aftereffect of these mysterious yet enthralling connection I heard my phone ring.

I quickly got pulled back into my work but a small part of my mind was still locked on those pair of sea blue eyes that I just saw there. I thought that if this was what I felt even before meeting Katherine I could only wonder what was gonna happen once I actually met her. God only knows how I am gonna stay away form her.

Chapter Text

Harvey’s POV

Even after draining away a whole bottle of whisky I still couldn’t forget what had happened at work today. It was like it was embedded into my memory. The look on Kate’s face. The way her beautiful sea blue eyes were filled with unshed tears, the hurt on her face mixed with disbelief over what she had just heard me say.

At first I thought that I could fix it. I had to. So obviously I went to the only person who could help me clean up this mess and get things with Kate to be back to what they were, perfect.

However what I had not expected was that Donna would be mind blowingly angry at me instead of trying to help me. She gave me a whole long speech about how she had warned me, how she had told me to stay away from Kate as she had known it from the start that I was going to fuck up everything.

Even though I didn’t really say anything I did feel angry that Donna was berating me when I had already been angry at what I had just done to Kate. To my Kate. However Donna just went on, listing all the things that would not have happened to Kate if I had never got involved her.

In normal cases, I would have gone back at her for all the shouting but at that moment I was just too emotionally drained to say anything back to Donna. All I wanted to do was to find a way to fix all the shit that I had caused and to find a way to get things between Kate and me to normal again.

So after Donna had let it all out on me I quickly approached her and calmly asked her if she would help me or not. I thought that would have done the trick but when she gave me the look that clearly said “Really Harvey after all I just said you expect me to help. No way in fucking hell” I told her that if she wouldn’t do it for my sake then she could do it for Kate’s sake, after all she was Donna’s best friend.

On hearing her name Donna gave in and told me that the only way I could fix it with her was for me to find her as soon as possible and tell her what I truly felt for her. That she mattered to me more than anything else.

That all the bullshit I had said in the morning was just me saying something nonsense to convince myself that I didn’t need anyone, that I didn’t care for anyone and that no one could hurt me.

I left as soon as I heard this , thanking Donna in a hurry and calling Kate as soon as I got hands on my phone. But the problem was that se wasn’t picking her phone. Several times. But she wouldn’t pick it. I went to her favourite café and even to that god forsaken garden that she loved so much.

I even went to her favourite bar across my apartment that she went to when she was frustrated at one of my various stupidities and just didn’t have the strength to come and fight with me. But she was in none of those places.

And this had scared me. A lot. This wasn’t like Kate. She never disappeared. If she needed peace or some me time she would just go to one of these places and take a little time alone and then when she was ready to come back she would just walk back. But not once had she ever left without informing me where she was going, whether through message or a voice mail so I wouldn’t worry over her well being and whereabouts. But this time she had done no such thing. And this only meant one thing-that she truly was hurt over what I had said this morning.

After calling Donna and talking to her I returned to the apartment and decided that the best thing that I could do was wait for her to return. There was nothing else that could be done. I had to give her time to calm down. Even if all I wished was to find her and hug her and kiss her, not letting go. All I wanted to do was to say that I was sorry for what I had said and that she did matter to me, greatly so.

So here I was, pouring myself the tenth drink of the night while I waited for the most important person of my life to return.

As I was about to sit down to have my drink I heard the doorbell ring and all but rushed to open the door. Finally she had come home. Now I could apologize to her and things would go back to as they were between us before all this shit hit the fan.

I all but threw open the door and saw her standing there, red eyed as if she had cried all evening. The sight only made me feel more guilt over my stupidity in the office. But before I could say anything she had put up her hand to signal to me that she didn’t want me to say anything and wished for me to listen to what she had to say.

Having no choice but to comply I nodded slightly to tell her that I wouldn’t say anything until she was finished and that I was listening to her.

Kate’s POV

I’ve had it with Harvey and his temper tantrums. I have done my best to understand him and give him time to understand me and what we have but now its enough. What he said today told me that he not had started to take me for granted but to him I was nothing more than a distraction, a mere passing stranger, something temporary, a replaceable thing. I couldn’t take it anymore.Hearing what he said today brought out all my insecurities and doubts about what we were to the surface. He took my fears and threw them right in my face. He made me feel like I didn’t matter to him. Like what we had meant nothing to him. How could he have said that to me?

After crying my heart out for hours I made peace with it and calmed down enough to come and talk to him. But this time I wouldn’t give in to his charm, his sweet talk, his eyes, his smile one which I loved seeing, his voice which I loved hearing nothing. Nothing could stop me. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. He was like a drug, something which was toxic for me yet I couldn’t leave it.

I had made up my mind and no one could change it now. I quickly arrived at his apartment and rung the doorbell. As I heard the shuffling of feet from the other side of the door I could also hear the soft sound of is dad’s jazz being played signifying that Harvey was worried and drinking.

Before I could think of something else the door slammed open and there he stood. He was dressed in a plain white turtle neck t-shirt and had black track pants on. Even when I was beyond hurt and angry with him I couldn’t help but admire how handsome he was.

As I broke from my trance I realized that Harvey was going to say something but I raised my hand to tell him that I didn’t want to hear him. I had to do it. For both him and me.

“From the very moment I came into your life I felt that there was a connection between us, a…a sort of energy between us, a spark. But I never wanted anything to happen between us. Not because I didn’t like you I mean come on who couldn’t like the great HARVEY SPECTER,RIGHT?(A/N: She says this in a very sarcastic, snappy tone) I didn’t want anything to do with you because your reputation preceded you. I knew you were a man who earned millions throughout the day and went through different women each night. For you nothing but yourself mattered.

I thought that you were a self centered and egotistical asshole who didn’t care about anybody but himself. But when I came to stay with you I slowly realized that you weren’t what I had thought u to be. I understood that it was just a mask that you had put on, a show for the whole world to see so that u wouldn’t get hurt. I got to know that you were kind and brave and caring and sweet and sarcastic beyond belief.

I got know that you are selfless and someone who would go to the ends of this earth for the people he loves and cares. I got to know that you loved your father immensely and that whenever you’re stressed you hear to his records to calm yourself. I got to know that every year on his death anniversary you go to the cemetery where he’s buried and have a drink with him. I got to know that even though you’d never say it you love Louis like a brother and love his annoying habits and bickering.

I got to know that you always wear you cuff links a little tilted because you like it that way, a little crooked,perfectly imperfect. I got to know that when you’re worried about your younger brother you wore a lavender shade shirt to work. I got to know the real you. Or at least I thought I did.

Harvey in my whole life I’ve never been a very trusting person. Friendly sure but trusting not really. Blame it on my parents but I’ve always found that whenever I open myself to loving or caring about someone I open myself to the possibility of getting hurt and in most cases I do get hurt and left alone in the end. Its not easy for me.

Its not at all easy for me. But I opened my heart to you. I shared everything with you, my past, the ghosts that still haunt me at nights, my mistakes, my failures everything. I bared myself to you. I trusted you with my heart. But you broke it .You broke it without giving it a second thought .

The words that you said today made me realize that no matter how much I wish for you to change, you’ll never change. That no matter what I do ,I’ll never be enough. I’ll always be thinking if you really do care about me or am I just another one of your pursuits . I can’t be living this way, doubting myself each day.

I can’t take this anymore. I’ve given you more than enough time but I think its high time now. I need to hear the truth. So answer my question Harvey :Do you love me or not?” I said tears trailing down my already wet cheeks.

As I waited for him to answer, he started saying, “Kate just come inside we’ll talk about this,okay? Lets just go inside and sit down. Come on…” But before he could finish I shouted ,

“Harvey just answer the bloody question Do u love me or not?”.

When the silence between us stretched I realized that if he infact did love me he would have said it until now.

He wouldn’t be needing this much time. But there he was standing in silence, staring at me with a pained expression on his face. As I processed his expression I realized that this could only mean one thing. Oh god .

He didn’t love me.

He didn’t love me.

The man I loved with all my heart didn’t love me.

I bolted outside and stepped onto the street. As I stepped out, I felt the cold water droplets on my face. It had started to rain heavily. I loved the rain. It brought back all the happy memories of my childhood, of me and dad dancing in the rain. But not tonight. Tonight not even the rain could cheer me up.

I felt like my whole world was fading away. Like someone had just taken my heart and bashed it into a hundred million pieces. Like my heart had been ripped out of my chest leaving behind a big hole in my chest, an undeniable void. I felt like my whole life was a waste and nothing could ever change that.

As I dropped down on my knees on the pavement, my clothes got soaked in the rain water. It felt like I was sitting there for a long time, crying my heart out when a car pulled by me.

It stopped right in front of me and a red haired lady came out of it, an umbrella in her hand. She quickly rushed to me and started whispering warm and comforting words to me in soft,hushed tones but I couldn’t register what she was saying. She picked me up and made me sit in the car. Although she was trying her best to get me warm however in that moment all I could feel was the coldness seeping into me, slowly reaching my heart freezing it all over again.

The red haired lady quickly got into the driver’s seat and checked my temperature while I just sat there in the seat, like a statue, feeling numb after bearing so much pain.

She said that I was way too cold for the normal body temperature and that she was taking me to the doctor. As we were pulling out the street I looked up one last time and saw a pair of brown eyes staring back at me. The very eyes that I had come to love in these last few months. The eyes of the man I loved. The eyes of my Harvey. The eyes of the man who didn’t love me.

And just like that my heart broke all over again.