Work Header

The Quest

Chapter Text

April 20th, 2015


7:45AM Very quiet day
Fish at the market quite fresh. Might go in for tomorrow’s haul.
Three letters in the post. One from Lobelia about Mum’s spoons. Over my dead body, maybe!
Smoke ring total: 5 perfect circles. Haven’t figured out how to make them do silly things yet.
#my day #spoon thief

10:20AM Elevenses!
Feeling sweet today, so I had some strawberry pound cake with cream. I might have the rest for tea later.
It’s a wonderful day outside. Dear old Holman’s been trimming the rosebushes; he gave me a couple cuts of the roses for inside. I’ve also been helping with the peonies, the poor things never last too long even with the greatest of care. They’re here one season and then gone the next.
I’m intending to make some seed cakes this afternoon; they’ll keep me going for a while because they store quite nicely.
#my day

11:24AM There are people reading this blog?
Well, I daresay I should probably introduce myself properly, then.
I’m Bilbo Baggins, I’m a very respectable 51 years old, and I look like this:

Yes, I look like that often. My parents were quite wealthy, you see, and they left me this really nice home. I have it all to myself for now, but things do get quite lonely when you have so many rooms and no idea what to put in them. Probably why I decided to put most of my clothes into two of the rooms.
I have an embarrassing amount of clothes, I know. I really don’t like throwing out the old ones; they’re completely useless to Michel Delving Mathom-house, and I can’t really stand parting with them permanently, either. The rest of my smial is a bit neater, I think, but a lot of my stuff was just handed down from my parents.
Maybe I should tell you more about my parents? I do miss them a lot. My mother was a great beauty, and my father was very rich and respectable. I don’t have anything besides their portraits, but here:

Mum used to tell me stories of the adventures she’d been on. I was young, mind you, and I always wanted to go with her to see the Elves and fight the giant Dumbledors and the Were-worms and have tea with the Badger-folk in the Old Forest, but as children do, I grew up.
Still, it’s nice to think back to the stories she’d tell me. And sometimes – don’t tell anyone – I still sneak out and spend the nights in the forests. I did that a couple Mondays back for Elven New Year! Nothing quite like smoking a nice pipe in the Wood until you’re drowsy and then coming back to your nice warm bed. I do recommend it.
What about you, dear followers? Who are all of you?


#my home #a little sketch i did


The seed-cakes turned out really well, if I do say so myself! I’ll have one now, and maybe save the rest for later.
Of course, I don’t expect to actually go through with that; they’ll all probably be gone by morning. I have an unfortunate tendency to snack at midnight.
Still, I can always bake more, I suppose.
#my day

3:19PM Confound Lobelia! I told her she wasn’t welcome for tea anymore because she kept on stealing my things. I don’t need her hanging on the doorbell all day, either.
Maybe if I wait long enough she’ll think I’m not at home, even if I have the fire going.
#my day #spoon thief

3:28PM Help me out here: how do I get rid of a pesky relative without seeming too rude?
#spoon thief #she knows i’m in here

5:15PM Well, I’ve gone and done it. I’ve finished my cakes and my flour.
I shall have to go into Hobbiton tomorrow and pick some up from the Mill. I’ve still got half a ham left for supper, and some cheese and bread; I shall have to properly restock my pantries for the upcoming week soon.
Smoke ring total: 3 perfect circles. A lot of the others dissipated too early.
The almanac predicts good weather this weekend, so I might take some time to go walking. Maybe I’ll pack a picnic on Sunday and go strolling in the woods again!
#my day #also yes i got rid of #spoon thief #after a while


April 21st, 2015


9:16AM Bread, cheese, and eggs for second breakfast. And then off to Hobbiton for more foodstuffs to get me through the next week. I hear there’s more Bree-cheese in stock at my favourite cheese shop, so I’ll have to pay them a visit.
Holman told me that one of the Big Folk has been looking for me since Elvish New Year. I told him that if the fellow comes along again, he’s to tell him I’m not at home. Even if I am. I won’t have anything to do with the meddling Big Folk; they’re far too much trouble for what it’s worth.
#my day


The walk to Hobbiton was pleasant! It rained last night, and the sky is still heavy with moisture. The earth still has that lovely after-rain smell, too.
On my way back, I passed several little Hobbits playing in the puddles on the Road. One of them, my little cousin Esmeralda, who’s come over from Tuckborough with her friends, asked if I had any cakes. I invited her and her friends over for tea, but not before they get their dirty feet cleaned again!
I am now in possession of flour and Bree-cheese. A great deal of other provisions for the rest of the week will be delivered to me later today, hopefully in time for supper.
#my day #hobbiton #the shire

I found a bloom here not so long ago
A flower springing up along the road.
But someone came and picked it off the ground
And had the gall to let it wither brown.

If I ever picked you, lovely flower
I would never leave you lying out for hours
But rather keep you safe against my breast
Until you and I together find our rest.

It’s not much, I think. With a little more practice I’m sure I’ll be able to write something much better. Maybe I should spend some more time outside doing this. It might get me in the right mood!
#my poetry


Teatime! I got out the rosebud set for Esmeralda and her friends.
#my day


Sing hey! for the bath at close of day
that washes the weary mud away!
A loon is he that will not sing:
O! Water Hot is a noble thing!

O! Water cold we may pour at need
down a thirsty throat and be glad indeed;
but better is Beer if drink we lack,
and Water Hot poured down the back.

One of my favourite bath songs. It actually goes for much longer, but you’ll get the full treatment some other day. I do enjoy singing in the bath; no one can criticise me there.
In other news, my deliveries came in this afternoon, just after tea! More pictures to follow.
#my day #my home


A decently-stocked pantry, if I do say so myself. I shall be making more pies all week, and some of the preserves look about ready to eat, too. I’ll make a jolly time of it this weekend with my picnic in the woods.
#my day #my home


April 22nd, 2015



My idea of a perfect morning.

10:51AM The Green Dragon has a new batch of clover-beer! I may head over to Bywater this afternoon for a pint and possibly bring a barrel of it back with me if it is any good. I do have high hopes, of course; this year has had a good clover crop.
#my day


Look who I found on my way to Bywater. She does love wandering through the Hill. Holman says she might belong to the Bolgers. I feed her all the same.
#my day #the shire #hobbiton

Anonymous asked:
What is your experience with burglary?
…Excuse me? I don’t quite follow. Why do you want to know?
#ask #anonymous


I’m presuming this is next Tuesday. I shall have to try to remember the date.
#bywater #the shire

2:20PM There’s talk at the Green Dragon about strange folks wandering through the Shire. Dwarves have been spotted at the Golden Perch in the Eastfarthing. Those chatty Brandybucks just can’t keep it to themselves, I guess.
The clover-beer is good, as expected, and I’ve sent little Hanncome Woodson up to Bag End with a cask, as he’s been dying to see Bag End for some time.
#my day


(Additonal photos: [x] [x] [x] [x] )

My afternoon visit to Bywater extended into the evening. I had several pints and several pies, to say the least! And there was some carousing, in which Posco and Prisca (some of my cousins; yes, I have a lot of them) led everyone in a merry song and dance. Posco, the old rascal, is currently courting Gilly Brownlock, and she was quite pleased to dance with him.
I wonder if that’ll ever happen to me. If I’ll ever be truly pleased at the thought of dancing with someone. I’m polite about it at parties, of course, and my dancing is nothing to sneeze at, but I’m 51 and should by all accounts be marrying and settling down with fauntlings of my own. I know I could be a good father; I do adore all of the little ones who come over for tea, and Mistress Bracegirdle is ever so pleased about me helping her take care of her brood sometimes. A couple less meals for her to worry about, I suppose.
I know people think it odd that I haven’t married yet, and Giver knows I get so many stares from the lasses (and even some of the lads, if I’m not mistaken) in the area, but courting and marrying isn’t really on my mind now, nor will it be in the near future. I’m sure when I find the one who makes my heart bloom, I’ll know.
#my day #bywater #the shire

8:13PM Smoke ring total: 7 perfect rings. I’m quite pleased about it:

My rings of smoke are perfect circles round
They fly out windows to the lands beyond
And if I’m lucky I’ll tuck a smaller one
Through the larger circle, which is fun.

I’m still not good at this. I have no propensity for poetry, I’m afraid, or as Mum would say, not born under a rhyming star.
Mum says that great stories come from great feelings and experiences, which is why Tooks write the best books and poetry out of all the Hobbits (according to her, a Took, of course). She says that understanding the great poets – the Elvish singers, the Dwarvish bards – requires an understanding of one’s true feelings. Mum was passionate about stuff like that.
But my adventuring days are behind me now.
#my day #my poetry


9:36 pm
While in Bree today, I was visited by an old acquaintance, a wizard named Gandalf. He has told me on previous occasions that he would be of help on my quest to reclaim my homeland and he came to me with news. He has found a valuable member of the company, whose skills will be necessary.
However, it would seem that Gandalf’s suggested member is a Hobbit! I have seen Hobbits and they seem to be harmless and gentle folk, with no history of war. I must trust Gandalf in his choice but I admit that I have doubts.
Gandalf said he visited the Hobbit, Mr Baggins, before but a neighbor, Holman Greenhand, reported that Mr Baggins was not home. Regardless, Gandalf promises that Mr Baggins is guaranteed for the quest.
#the wizard #the quest


April 23rd, 2015



One of my favourite maps. It hangs in my hall, and all of my favourite walks are marked on it in red. I do really love maps; they remind me of all the places I could go.
#my day


Morning walk in the Bindbale Wood!
#bindbale wood #the shire #my day


I should start heading back for elevenses, but the light in the woods today is perfectly lovely.
#bindbale wood #the shire #my day


12:03 pm
Restocked my supplies today and traded my pony for a newer, less travel-worn one. Overheard the Hobbits speak of other Dwarves passing through the area. Hobbits are such gossipy creatures. I fear for the secrecy of the quest in allowing a Hobbit of such nature to travel with us.
#the quest #the shire #the golden perch



Daffodil season is here! The fauntlings are out to see them blooming. Sometimes entire broods of the little dears get carted around in wheelbarrows. Can you imagine?
#my day #the shire


4:05 pm
To those still willing to go:
Gandalf has shared with me the address of Mr Baggins. He has said it to be Bag End, Bagshot Row, The Hill, Hobbiton, Westfarthing, The Shire and that there will be a G rune on the door. There is to be food, and lots of it, according to the wizard. We are to meet in three days time.
From the replies received from my previous message, our company looks to have 13 members, myself included. Mr Baggins will make the 14th member. My thanks goes to all who have answered the call, and may Mahal protect you.
#the quest #quest information


6:46PM I shall be roasting sausages and crumpets by the Water tonight; it looks like an excellent night for a small fire and a nice meal outside.
#my day


A little fire by the Water, perfect for a warm Spring evening!
#the shire #hobbiton #my day

9:52PM It’s a good night for being outside, listening to the frogs, the nightingales, and the earliest of crickets. They’ll all be in full force when summer comes, and the cicadas will only add to the cacophony. I don’t know how I’ll sleep a wink this summer; they’re boisterous now and it’s still springtime.
There’s a merry party in Bywater too, judging by the loud singing across the water and the bright lights. But I believe I am happiest here, alone with my coat and my little fire and the leftover sausages. I should be heading back, but I don’t feel inclined to. Perhaps this could be an adventure all on its own.
#my day


11:12 pm
I begin my travels in the morning to Lake Evendim, where I hope to find the support of Dwarves from the seven kingdoms. While this quest is of a quieter nature, I would feel secure with the strength of my kin behind me. Perhaps then, this quest would not seem so daunting.
#the quest


April 24th, 2015



(Additonal photos: [x] [x] [x] [x] )

Holman’s got a new apprentice, his distant cousin Hamfast Gamgee who lives farther down on Bagshot Road. Hamfast’s a good lad, he’s good with the plants and talks to them often. I won’t mind him taking care of my roses.
Hamfast’s siblings are a delight, too, though they’re less interested in gardening. I invited all of them to tea, of course. Little May turns as red as a beetroot every time she looks at me, poor thing. But that’s the tweens for you.
#my day #the shire


Tea with the Gamgees! I brought out some of my favourite sets. May particularly likes the rosebud set, but then everyone does.
#my day


More of the spread for the tea with the Gamgees!
#my day


A walk in the woods. I packed a supper, too, as I don’t plan on returning early. I found these on my way in. Aren’t they lovely?
I’ve been thinking of planting an acorn above Bag End for a while, actually, but I’ve never really had the chance to…
#my day #the shire


If ever you’d met me
You wouldn’t forget me.
If you never do,
You won’t think I’m true;
But old Oliphaunt am I,
And I never lie.
#the shire #my day


Something warm for the evening, to help with poetry and memory.
#my day

8:30PM I’d like to write a book someday.
A memoir, of course, of my life. My childhood adventures. Wandering the woods with Aunt Mirabella and Cousin Amaranth. Listening to Mum’s stories of her own adventures. And even the Old Took’s Midsummer fireworks! How splendid they were, bursting in rockets of red and green and falling into showers of gold. I should like to see those happen one more time before I die, though that won’t be too soon, I hope. Midsummer parties at Tuckborough just haven’t been the same since the Old Took died. The fireworks are gone, for one. No more silver stars and green rockets.
I used to be so brave as a child. I once climbed the tallest oak tree in Tuckborough, and then promptly fell out of it and broke my legs. I also went out into the woods by myself and stayed out until Mum and Dad’s search parties found me.

I’m 51, and sometimes I feel like I’m rotting in this cosy little smial, but that might just be my Took side talking. Every time it speaks up the Baggins part of me reminds me that now I wouldn’t last a minute out in the Wild without enough food to eat. Sometimes I wish the Took side was stronger.
Most of the time, I don’t.
I wish I had had enough adventures when I was a child, enough to fill a book, and not leave me grasping now, when I’ve all the time in the world and no ideas.
#my day #me


9:30 pm
I have spent the day traveling North, heading for Lake Evendim. It is the decided neutral ground for the meeting of the seven kingdoms and I hope to leave here tomorrow with good news. Dáin Ironfoot, Lord of the Iron Hills, is sending an envoy and I trust that he, at least, will stand with me.
I arrived in Annúminas at nightfall. I have heard tales of Arnor’s fallen capitals but had yet to see them in person. In some ways, the history of the Dúnedain reminds me of my own people’s past; leaving their homeland behind, they became nomads and wander this land still.
I meet with my kin in the morning. I hope that soon, my people’s nomadic ways can come to an end.
#the quest #evendim


April 25th, 2015


10:02 am
They will not come.
This quest is doomed to fail, they say. I should abandon this hopeless mission, I was told. That this quest is ours, and ours alone. Dain sent a letter with his envoy, explaining why he is choosing not to support my endeavour.
“I know the news will bear you hard, -- ------. I know what you will say. You will ask me to remember the times we fought together, side by side. You will ask me to remember the day we requited A--- the D------ for his murder of the King. And perhaps there will come a day that we will face battle together once more. But in the meantime, I have a responsibility to my people here in the Iron Hills, and I will not risk their safety for a wild hope.”
Pretty words to say that we are on our own.
No matter. This mission requires a level of stealth and secrecy that can be better accomplished with those who have already pledged their service to the quest, and have thus demonstrated more loyalty and honour than any army I could ever have hoped for from any kingdom.
I will take my leave soon and head for the home of Gandalf’s burglar. Then our quest can finally begin.
#evendim #the quest #soon


10:50AM What a good morning. It’s quite perfect for smoking a pipe. I shall get my mail, blow a couple rings before elevenses, and it will be a fine morning indeed.
#my day

11:01AM A Strange Encounter
I met an old friend today.
He used to set the fireworks off for the Old Took’s Midsummer’s Eve parties. Gandalf, his name was. I can’t believe I’ve forgotten. Who forgets a big wizard like that anyway?
He said that he was looking for someone to go on an adventure with him. I told him I wasn’t interested, but I suspect that’s not the last of him that I’ll be seeing? I’m having him over for tea tomorrow, or maybe next Wednesday, I think? I should’ve probably had my planner on hand with me. The details are muddled.
Ah, well, I’ll be making some berry tarts today, and hopefully he’ll forget to show up to tea tomorrow and all will be forgotten.
#my day #meddling wizard

12:30PM Oh by the way, this morning’s smoke ring total was three. Because that meddling wizard showed up and interrupted me.
#my day #meddling wizard


A little tea in my garden. May Gamgee is back, with her friends. I do enjoy entertaining them, and May says she’s quite good with her letters now and would love for me to write to her. What a dear little friend!
#my day

5:44PM I daresay I’ve quite recovered from my ordeal with Gandalf today! May and her friends were good company; I’ve sent them home with some bread and the leftover cakes and tarts from tea. I’ll be sitting down to supper soon, and I really hope most of this morning was just a strange dream.
Giver only knows why I invited Gandalf over for tea tomorrow. Might as well make some preparations.
#my day #meddling wizard


6:50 pm
Soon after gathering my things, I departed from Annúminas. The meeting at the Hobbit’s house is tomorrow and I hope to be the first there, to see this Hobbit for myself and judge if he is right for this quest.
I am passing through the Hobbit town of Long Cleeve and plan to be in Oatbarton by tonight. It has been told to me before that Hobbits are similar to rabbits in ways; I never truly understood the comparison until now. I see Hobbit children with every turn of the head. There look to be between three and five young per family!
I wish to see my own people flourish like these Hobbits. So much rides on this quest and I hope that Mahal watches over us so that our future shines brighter than our past.
#the quest #long cleeve


7:23PM There have been an unusual amount of Dwarves congregating in the Hobbiton-Bywater area. They keep to themselves for the most part, as we Shire-folk don’t want much to do with outsiders, but I grew curious as to why so many of them were there when I went down to the Green Dragon this evening, and I talked to a couple of them.
One of them, a young (for a Dwarf, I suppose, I can’t tell by the beard) fellow who came all the way from the Iron Hills to the East, says he’d been at a meeting up North, and had only just rode into Bywater for a bite to eat. He’s a tall lad, big enough for a horse, which is fitting for his speed and haste.
I got some odd stares from the other Hobbits. I know what they think of me. It must be because my parents died young, they say. It must be because I haven’t found a nice lass and settled down. They call me ‘queer’, but only behind my back. I know, I’m not as respectable as I’d like to think because I go wandering off into the woods for days on end, but I’m sure whatever I lack in common sense I make up for with my manners. Or maybe I’m just thinking too much of myself.
I asked the Dwarf what sort of meeting it was, but he wouldn’t say too much, just said something about a family and revenge. Dwarves are a very secretive lot, I suppose.
#my day


10:01 pm
I reached Oatbarton when the sun was setting. If I leave early tomorrow morning, I should arrive to the residence of Mr Baggins by high noon.
The Hobbits of this town, like others that I have passed through, watched me with suspicion in their eyes. I could see parents push their young quickly along, and a Hobbit with a feather in his cap stopped me and inquired to where I was headed.
Not wanting to seem rude, and noticing the distrustful glances from the older Hobbits, I told him that I was heading to The Hill.
“On what business?” he questioned further.
I could not tell him the details of the quest, and so simply replied, “To a meeting with a business partner.”
The response was grudgingly deemed acceptable and he sent me on my way after pointing the way to the town’s inn. When I arrived, however, the innkeeper regretfully informed me that their rooms with larger beds had already been filled with other Dwarves. I have found myself in a Hobbit bed for tonight. The bed cannot hold my full height and I unfortunately will have to sleep with cold feet.
#the quest #oatbarton #why are hobbits so short


April 26th, 2015


8:02 am
I set out soon after dawn from Oatbarton. Originally, I had planned to follow the road south to The Hill but I was told that this would send me further east than wanted. I was instead advised to follow the Water, as it was a faster route that would lead me straight to The Hill. Trusting those who know these lands better than I, I turned my pony down this new path.
#the quest #oatbarton


10:29AM I might’ve almost run into Gandalf at the market today.
He’s starting to scare me a little, to be honest.
No matter, I have my fish. I’ll put it on ice in the cold-storage pantry and then have it for supper later. Maybe baking a couple more seed-cakes will help me take my mind off things.
#my day #meddling wizard


10:45 am
I have found myself in, what my map calls the Bindbale Woods. This is not the way I was advised but I should still be able to travel south through these woods and find myself at Mr Baggins’ residence. Judging by the light, I should be there within a few hours.
#the quest #bindbale woods

12:03 pm
Perhaps traveling through these woods should have been avoided. These trees seem to mock me, Mahal curse them. The sun burns overhead, urging me onwards without providing me direction on where I am.
#the quest #bindbale woods #i hate trees

1:45 pm
Why have these woods not been cut down for the Hobbits to expand their towns? Perhaps the Hobbits sense that these are wicked trees and thus keep away, as I should have.
#the quest #bindbale woods #awful woods

3:30 pm
I DESPISE trees. It is my hope that along our quest, we travel on open land and stay far from trees and their misleading ways.
#the quest #bindbale woods #more like bile woods


4:04PM Gandalf is late for tea. But then I suppose he would tell me he always arrives precisely when he means to.
But these cakes are not going to eat themselves!
#my day #meddling wizard


Four has come and gone, and Gandalf still isn’t here. I might as well finish my tea and get things ready for supper. I’ve got a fish to cook, some seed-cakes to put away.
I suppose this means I’m off the hook about adventures, then.
#my day


5:15 pm
Athrigi Barâk mên zazn’zarsthuhru! Du Durinultarg, akhrashi-mên! Nê’ashfukh-ê! Maiklifi binsalb zarâs, adjini matamharin-mên du hars !!
#the quest #I have axes you foul forest! #By Durin's beard, do not doubt me! #I will chop you! #Curse you useless trees #I hope you burn! #i hate trees

7:00 pm
#the quest #FINALLY



I expect a most wonderful supper tonight.
#my day


Now this is what I call seed-cake. It turned out well; I shall have some for my after-supper morsel tonight.
#my day

7:29PM Who’s ringing my bell this time? It better not be a relative; I hate it when they drop by uninvited.
#my day

7:30PM A Dwarf??????????? Is he at the wrong place?
#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day


#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day #brawnsdwarf

Okay okay, I know, I’m also panicking about a bloody Dwarf in my bloody smial too, but I just want to let you know it got worse.
That dwarf, Dwalin, has a brother named Balin:

and they’re both here. Eating my food.
By the grass-green hair of the Giver of Fruits, if I find one more Dwarf on my doorstep, someone’s going to be… well, it’d be rude to turn them away, and I’d hate to argue with sharp axes.
Being polite is such a bother sometimes.
#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day

7:44PM They just banged each other on the head as a greeting.
I don’t know what to make of it.
#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day


Please tell me this is someone’s idea of a cruel joke. Please. I do not need this many Dwarves in my dining room. Who sent them? You can have them back.
Their names are Fíli and Kíli, by the way.
#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day #thing 1 #thing 2

#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day


#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day #this is all your fault gandalf


8:00 pm
The sun is setting at the edge of the horizon but I can spot the Hobbit town before me. I am quite late, though I hope that I am not the last to arrive.
#the quest #the shire


8:05PM That damn meddling Wizard was behind this after all. I knew I wouldn’t be let off the hook that easily. And now I’m playing host to twelve Dwarves who are helping themselves to the contents of my pantry.
I still haven’t quite gotten all of their names, but from what I hear they’re named Balin, Dwalin, Óin, Glóin, Fíli, Kíli, Dori, Nori, Ori, Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur. I think everyone whose name rhymes with one another are related in some way. But I could be wrong on that.
Does it matter, though? They’re eating me out of hearth and home!
#i bloody hate surprise parties #meddling wizard #my day

My pantry is completely raided, one of these damn dwarves has rubbed their boots on my mother’s glory-box, I don’t even know what they’ve been up to with my loo and frankly I don’t want to know – and now they’re moving my armchair out of the parlour and into the dining room where it’ll probably get food splashed all over it! I’ve tried to stop them, but they just keep on going like a bunch of carts moving downhill. I wish they’d just leave!
#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day

#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day


#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day #thing 2 #scribedwarf #bigdwarf

8:35PM These ridiculous Dwarves have ruined my appetite! And just when I thought my night couldn’t get worse, they’re having a burping contest in the dining room and dripping my clover-beer down their beards as if to water them further! Confusticate the lot of them! I’ll be glad to see them leave!
#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day

8:46PM ….And I was looking forward to eating my fish and seed-cakes too…
#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day #my pantry they've pillaged my pantry

8:50PM I have barely been given a moment’s rest! These Dwarves are everywhere and I can’t seem to get them to stop messing up my things! I’m sure they speak Common – well, all except the frightening one with the axe in his head – so why won’t they bloody listen?
#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day


9:00 pm
I seem to have lost my way again. In error, I knocked at the door of what I believed to be Mr Baggins’ home. However, when the door was opened, I was greeted with confusion.
Apparently, I had found myself at the home of a Mr Boffin of Overhill. The startled Hobbit directed me to the correct house. It is now fully night out and I am surely the last to arrive. When Gandalf said the Hobbit’s house would be easy to find, I fear he was exaggerating.
#the quest #the shire #how long must this day be



They’re going to ruin my dishes, I can sense it.
#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day #thing 1 #winedwarf #scribedwarf #pointydwarf

9:27PM I can’t believe these Dwarves.
They just finished eating, mostly because there’s barely anything left in the pantry now, and then they started throwing my dishes – my mother’s Westfarthing crockery, by the way, which is over a hundred years old! – like they’re playing some game of catch, and
They’re mocking me. Oh yes, they’re mocking me. I told them not to do any more damage to my home, as they’ve already damaged Grandpa Mungo’s antique cherry chair, and they’ve messed up my almanac by using it as a coaster, and they’ve crawled all over the tables with my ale, and my doilies! The one with the hat’s using my mother’s crochet doilies as dishcloths!
All of my ancestors are rolling in their graves, and I don’t blame them! I haven’t the voice to shoo them away; I’ve been shouting myself hoarse for the past hour and a half and I can’t get through to these blockheaded bearded nitwits that they need to stop! If this is how Dwarves behave, I’ll never ask another one over for tea.
Not that I ever asked one over to tea in the first place, but the sentiment remains. Bag End is not a place for Dwarves, if this is what they do to it!
#my day #i bloody hate surprise parties #i hate dwarvish table manners more #hatdwarf


I am done with these smug bastards.
#my day #i bloody hate surprise parties #please tell me it's over #meddling wizard #thing 2 #brawnsdwarf #brainsdwarf #axedwarf


9:30 pm
Mr Baggins’ residence is glowing with light and the sounds of a party seep from the door and windows. It would seem the entire company has arrived before me. Curse those woods.
I had such confidence in my kin supporting this quest. Though these Dwarves are loyal and brave, I hope that my poor news does not discourage them.
I spotted a bench in Mr Baggins’ yard and decided to take a few minutes to have a smoke. The comfort of my pipe calmed my nerves and cleared my mind of my earlier annoyances and doubts. Now, I simply need to stand and knock on the door. Mahal, grant me luck.
#the quest #the shire


9:35PM …There’s one more of them?!
#no # please #giver have mercy #i bloody hate surprise parties #i suppose that's why no one was sitting in my armchair this entire time even though they went to all that trouble to drag it in there #my day


This one says he got lost twice. I can understand once, but how do you do it twice?
#i bloody hate surprise parties #meddling wizard #my day

9:36PM The Great Insufferable Prat Thorin Oakenshield
So the Dwarf who was late? His name’s Thorin Oakenshield. And he’s a complete asshole.
The moment we were introduced he asked me about my experience in fighting. Of course I don’t have any, being a respectable gentlehobbit and all, but he seemed to think it amusing and called me a ‘grocer’, with this utterly insufferable smirk on his face, and I knew it. I knew it instantly, this feeling.
I’m quite literally at my wit’s end here; my hands are shaking as I write this. The condescension rolling off Thorin Oakenshield in waves is making my head spin. I hate it. I hate him. I hate all of these bothersome nuisances that have shown up and made a complete mockery of my home. I want them gone.
#i bloody hate surprise parties #that asshole #my day

9:38PM Gandalf has taken me aside. I guess he sensed that I was about to put my foot down and order them all out, and, as the meddling wizard that he clearly is, has pleaded with me to host them a while longer. He says we haven’t gotten to the important part, and as it is quite late, they might as well stay the night.
I told him they could stay the night in Bywater; the Green Dragon is better equipped than I to handle thirteen Dwarves, but Gandalf said that he chose my home for a specific reason, and that it took him months to convince Thorin and the rest of the Dwarves to even agree to stop by the Shire for this meeting.
I told him I had doubts about entangling myself in whatever affairs they would bring up, and he said that I was not the Hobbit he used to know.
Of course I’m not. I’ve outgrown those days, I told him.
And he told me Holman told him that I went off to see the Elves on Elvish New Year.
Fine, Gandalf. I’ll host them for tonight. I’ll listen to what they have to say. But they are impolite twits, the whole lot of them. I wish them a speedy departure tomorrow, and good riddance!
#i bloody hate surprise parties #meddling wizard #my day

9:40PM Thorin’s helping himself to what’s left of my pantry, and someone’s poured him and Gandalf some of my father’s Old Winyards.

He might not be too sore on the eyes, but no amount of good looks is going to help the fact that he and his merry band are a bunch of insulting assholes. The Giver is testing me, I know it.
#i bloody hate surprise parties #that asshole #my day #he's sitting in my armchair #the great lout


They quieted down very quickly.
#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day #trumpetdwarf #thing 1 #thing 2 #bigdwarf #scribedwarf #winedwarf #pointydwarf #locketdwarf


9:45 pm
I was correct in assuming that the rest of the company had already arrived. They had already eaten and cleaned when I walked in. I told Gandalf how deceptive his directions to Mr Baggins’ residence had been and found myself quickly introduced to the Hobbit himself.
He looked to be similar to the other Hobbits of this area - curly hair, lightly sun tanned skin, and large, hairy feet. He also seemed quite upset, anger and confusion burning behind his hazel eyes. I now wonder if Gandalf guaranteed a burglar without asking first.
I asked Mr Baggins if he had any skill with weaponry, not expecting a positive response. My suspicions were proved correct (though he claims expertise at a game called conkers) and I could not help but to voice my doubts against his burglar skills. I fear this trip was made in jest, with Gandalf simply having a laugh at my expense.
I was given a slightly too small armchair to rest in while I ate my late supper and exchanged greetings and pleasantries with those assembled. I was quite pleased to see my nanaddan seated at the table. Every time I see them, they seem to have grown more.

#the quest #the grocer #my sister children



(Additonal photos: [x] [x] [x])

Now that everyone’s done, I suppose Dwarves usually sing songs after supper? Which, I suppose, is their only redeeming quality at this point. They do sing very well.
I have no clue what they sung about, as they did it in their language, but it’s very deep and moving and I could sort of… sense at what they’re singing about. I think it’s about a home they’ve lost, some sort of place that’s been taken from them. There’s the same melancholy in it that I hear when folks sing about the brave Hobbit-lads who died in the Battle of Fornost.
They’ve got nice voices, I’ll give them that, too. Especially Thorin’s. I’m still sore about his comments, though.
#i bloody hate surprise parties #that asshole #my day #hatdwarf #winedwarf #scribedwarf #bigdwarf #brainsdwarf #thing 2 #brawnsdwarf


9:54 pm
After eating, while things were being cleaned and put away, I found myself wandering. There was evidence of age in the walls and floor, but also of care. I could see that Mr Baggins’ house was built with love and had been carefully tended to over the years.
Like the rest of my kin, I find comfort in stone but I felt the warmth in the walls and knew that this was a well-lived in home, full of memories and laughter.
And Gandalf thought this Hobbit would leave this home for a quest he had no reason to go on?
In the hallway, I found a map of The Shire, fleshed out with red lines that seemed to be walking trails. It reminded me of my long past youth, drawing the paths of Erebor alongside my brother and sister, marking the secret passages we had found that led to the kitchens or outside to the mountain side. Those were the times when it was a game to skip our responsibilities, when the worst disaster in mind was no sweets before supper.
Without even meaning to, I began to sing of our stolen home and the fires that still burn in my memory from the day when Erebor was sacked. It was a song of our exile and soon, the company joined their voices together with mine in solidarity for a lost homeland.
After, the company moved back to the dining room (some saying that more ale was needed now) while I took a moment for myself.
The Hobbit may not come on this quest, but being in his home has reawakened a fire in my heart that I did not know had lessened. I still do not agree with Gandalf’s choice, but perhaps this trip was not a complete waste.
#the quest #the grocer #the company


9:55PM They’ve gone back to the dining room now, and Thorin is sitting in my armchair, of course, because he thinks he’s so bloody important, and now they’ve gotten down to business and are discussing something about a quest, a dragon, and a treasure of some sort. Which I guess they might’ve been singing about previously, since no one bothered to explain anything to me. I don’t know why Gandalf decided to use my place as a business meeting location; I really don’t want anything to do with this, really.
The song had been lovely, and it made me want to know what they were talking about, and see what they were seeing (since some did have tears in their eyes about the whole thing), but I’m still just a little Hobbit after all; I have no business dealing in these things.
#my day #that asshole #i bloody hate surprise parties


You have got to be joking. Me? A burglar? I have never stolen a thing in my life! Who thought this was a good idea? Why did Gandalf sign me on for this?
#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day

10PM Funeral arrangements.
Funeral. Arrangements.
Because they want me to steal gold from a dragon.
On the other bloody side of Middle-bloody-earth.
I can’t handle this.
I think I’m going to scream.
#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day


10:05 pm
The company asked after news of the meeting of the seven kingdoms. I told them that no aid would come, that the quest was ours, and ours alone. Gandalf was most likely correct in thinking, I continued, that stealth was key to the success of our task.
“Especially the professional level of stealth that Mr Baggins can provide,” Gandalf added.
It was then that the Hobbit spoke, having looked increasingly confused. He demanded to know what exactly was going on. It would seem Gandalf had not explained beforehand. The Hobbit’s irritation became more understandable.
Balin, my old friend and adviser, passed Mr Baggins the contract detailing his involvement. The Hobbit was quite picky. He read through the sections with their various addendums quickly, while also voicing concerns about customary procedures for such quest contracts. The funeral arrangements were particularly troubling to him.
Bofur, one of the three Dwarves in the company descended from the Dwarves of Khazad-dûm, spoke up then. “Think furnace with wings,” he remarked. And then —
The Hobbit swooned.
Gandalf is currently reviving him and helping him get his breath back. If just the talk of a dragon caused the Hobbit to faint, than perhaps he is not all that Gandalf led us to believe he is.
#the quest #the grocer #the wizard #balin #bofur


10:15PM What have I done.
I blame Thorin completely.
I wasn’t thinking right, I’m sure, but something just came up in me.
They’d put me in the other room with some tea, but I could hear them doubting me, and Gandalf insisting I was good for the job – but they kept doubting me. They called me names. Grocer. Little fellow bobbing on the mat. They told Gandalf they’d seen me for who I was and they wouldn’t dream of ‘paying for my upkeep’ on this adventure. They thought I was a joke!
And it was like the Took side of me was rearing up, a bit of old Bullroarer in me dying to prove them all wrong, and the Baggins side just…gave up. Because neither side of me wanted to just stay there and take the insults.
So I went into the other room, and I told them I was going.
And that look on Thorin’s face:

I’ve never felt so reckless before in my life.
Thorin Oakenshield, if you are reading this, I just want you to know that I blame you entirely for dragging me on this Giver-forsaken quest, and that if anything happens to me, you are footing the cost of all of the damages I incur. I know the contract might say something utterly different, but I am holding you wholly responsible for all of this nonsense.
It’s only fair, as you did insult me and my dignity multiple times, and you and your pack have made a complete mess of my home. I will make you pay.
#that asshole #i bloody hate surprise parties #my day


10:18 pm
With the Hobbit in the other room, the company spoke their mind about Gandalf’s choice. Their doubts echoed my own; that he was too soft, too unfit for such a quest. That Mr Baggins seemed much more a grocer than a burglar.
However, upon overhearing our words, Mr Baggins returned, proclaiming quite assertively that he was in fact going on the quest.
And there was the Hobbit that Gandalf spoke of. His back was straight and his head held high, determination tightening his fists. I could not stop the smile that pulled at me. The company seemed to see the difference in the Hobbit as well, accepting his decision.
#the quest #the company #the grocer #perhaps there is more to hobbits than i previously believed



What a lovely map! And apparently it comes with a key, too. I do enjoy maps. Maybe after this adventure I’ll ask Thorin if I can keep it for my collection.
#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day


Thorin just went off on a tangent.
#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day #i feel your pain blondie #thing 1 #thing 2 #that asshole

10:50PM I’ve now been treated to the full story of why the Dwarves are here with a map and why they want me to be their burglar. I do love retelling stories, so:
When Thorin was much younger, and presumably much more attractive, he was a prince of Erebor, the Lonely Mountain. His grandfather Thrór was King Under the Mountain, and Erebor was extremely rich and prosperous, one of the chiefest jewels in his kingdom being the Arkenstone, a stone that shone with pure fire and starlight. And it was this Arkenstone – as well as the countless treasures being mined from the deep in this mountain – that brought on the dragon Smaug from the Withered Heath in the north.
He came like a hurricane upon the Mountain, destroying both the city of Dale (a kingdom of Men) and the Kingdom of Erebor in one fell swoop. Thorin, luckily, had been adventuring away from the Mountain when it happened. He was unscathed, but few others were. So many Men and Dwarves perished in the attack, but strangely and fortunately, neither Thrór nor his son Thráin, Thorin’s father, were killed. Evidently the secret passageway that the map I just posted reveals what was their ticket out of the Mountain in one piece.
Gandalf apparently found Thráin in a place called Dol Guldur, a place so terrible that everyone at the table shuddered to hear it, and Thorin suggested paying some attention to the place as if he’ll still find his father in those dungeons somewhere. Thráin had given Gandalf this map and key, making him promise to find Thorin and give it to him, and so Gandalf has now given Thorin the tools he needs to retake the Mountain by stealth.
And stealth, it seems, is where I come in.
We Hobbits are much more stealthy than Dwarves, it seems. I can definitely imagine it to be so, as they did make such a loud ruckus earlier and do not seem to understand the concept of eating quietly and politely. That, coupled with the fact that Smaug has never smelt a Hobbit before, makes me prime burglar material.
Which, in turn, doesn’t comfort me too much. The one with the hat says he’s like a furnace with wings. Thanks, whoever you are. I really needed that extra bolstering of my confidence over the very foolhardy decision I just made.
Was it the right decision, though?
#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day #that asshole #hatdwarf


11:15 pm
Our talk returned to the quest and its details. Gandalf revealed important elements that will most certainly help in our success. We talked of how he came to acquire those elements, to which he responded that he recovered them from a prisoner in the dungeons of the Necromancer. Talk turned to the Necromancer for a time, before Gandalf reminded us that our quest does not concern the Necromancer, that we had other things to worry about.
#the quest #the wizard


11:45PM It is far too late for me to be up.
I have hurried the last of our guests to bed, and taken orders for breakfast. His Majesty the King Under Asshole Mountain likes unbroken fried eggs with ham before a journey. I suppose the last thing he’ll want is a bacon and eggs smiley face on his plate, which is exactly what I will do to annoy him.
I say this completely drily. I really honestly do not know how I’ll find any strength to get up early and cook for thirteen bothersome Dwarves and a wizard. In fact, I don’t know if I’ll be going on any bloody adventure in the morning.
#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day #that asshole

11:50PM Alas, poor pantry! I knew it well, ‘twas once well-stocked with provisions and goods and now lies desolate and bare, not a single crumb left on the shelf for even the basest of mice!
…Those bloody dwarves.
#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day

11:55PM I’ve stowed His Majesty the King Under Asshole Mountain in the best bedroom, which is right next to mine, which also means I can hear him singing that damned song through the walls. Will he ever stop? Does he ever sleep?
I’m in for a long night, I can tell.
#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day #that asshole

11:59PM His Majesty the King Under Asshole Mountain’s arguing with Gandalf again. I think he’s doubting me quite as much as I’m doubting myself.
I can’t sleep. Every time I think I’m dozing off something dreadful pops into my mind and I can’t handle it. I can’t stand it.
I want these Dwarves out of my home tomorrow and I want no more of a hand in their business.
I’ll tell them that tomorrow.
#i bloody hate surprise parties #my day #that asshole