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How to not be a Necrophiliac

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Step 1
Go to the coroner’s office and identify the body of your boyfriend. He looks the same it’s strange, you thought he would look different somehow, more dead. It’s a stupid thought, you know that. But that body on the steel slab in front of you isn’t your boyfriend.

Step 2
Wonder if you now tell people he’s your ex-boyfriend or just your boyfriend. Is it gross to call a dead body your boyfriend?

Step 3
Get so drunk you can pick up a hooker and pretend it’s him. Pretend it’s his hands on you, his mouth, his everything. Wake up in the morning and wonder why, for that split second, he’s not cuddled up to you.

Step 4
Get so high you can take walk and not care where you’re going.

Step 5
Realize you’re going down the same road where you first met. He had gotten into some fight in a pub, you don’t know what made you stop, but you did and you helped him home. When you asked him why his skinny ass got into a fight with three rugby players, he says because they trashed talked his favorite reality tv show. You realize right then and there you’re in love with him. You realize how easily you could have just never met him. You realize you’re too high for this shit.

Step 6
Get home and realize that you’d be better off dead.

Step 7
Put the gun down and tell yourself the reason you won’t do it tonight is because you’d miss out on the football match tomorrow. Admit to yourself later the real reason is because you know if you were dead, no one would remember him like you do.

Step 8
Remember the time you were in Paris and he only knew how to say one thing in French: a sex joke.

Step 9
Realize you can’t remember the joke anymore.

Step 10
Realize you can’t remember his voice anymore.

Step 11
Realize that his brother is not a good replacement, even if they do look similar.

Step 11 ½
Realize your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend is also not a good replacement.

Step 12
Feel gross for masturbating to the thought of your boyfriend because he’s now a dead body in the ground. Wonder if this makes you a neophiliac?

Step 13
Go out on to the balcony. Steady yourself with the freezing cold metal railing. Don’t think about the time you both got drunk and tried to lick the same railing. Don’t think about the fact that you both got stuck to the railing and had to wait until the morning to yell down at your neighbor to come help get you both unstuck.

Step 14
Spend Christmas alone. Merry Christmas.

Step 15
Realize it’s been a year.

Step 16
Realize none of this helps but try again anyway

Step 1 (again)
Get drunk so drunk you decide to sell your apartment.

Step 2
Wake up the next morning and realize that you’ve sold your apartment. (You should have sold it for more.)

Step 3
Move out of town because you have no apartment now. And because everything reminds you of him.

Step 4
Remember why you can never go back There. It was his home, he took you there once. You went pub crawling with him and got kicked out of every bar. They all know you there and if you went back there you’d have no place to get drunk.

Step 5
Realize that none of it really mattered.

Step 6
Realize all of it mattered.