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"The Light Of My Hopes" [MSTing]

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*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

 

(The future isn't what it used to be...)

 

"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FIVE)

EPISODE 41: THE LIGHT OF MY HOPES PT. 1

(A Sailor Moon/Escaflowne/Gundam Wing/Card Captor Sakura/Fushigi
Yuugi/Dragon Ball Z Crossover MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7, Zoogz and Lynxara
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com) (lynxara@gmail.com)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks...

"Sailor Moon" is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the
distributors of her work.

"Escaflowne" is the property of Katsu Aki and all the distributors
of her work.

"Gundam Wing" is the property of Katsuyuki Sumizawa and all
the distributors of his work.

"Card Captor Sakura" is the property of Clamp and all the
distributors of their work.

"Fushigi Yuugi" is the property of Yuu Watase and all
the distributors of his work.

"Dragon Ball Z" is the property of Akira Toriyama and all
the distributors of his work.

 

"Light Of My Hopes" is the property of Tenshi Cat. She has given us
permission to MST her work and I greatly appreciate it. :)

* * *

DEEP 13

Dr. Clayton Forrester cocked his head as he heard the viewscreen
activate. He currently had his back turned to it, his hands clasped behind
him twitching ever so slightly.

"Five years... for five years now... I have tried to break you... five
years worth of bad fanfiction and movies that should've snapped your
mind like chalk on asphalt... and yet somehow though it all... you've
willfully, stubbornly, MADDENINGLY... remained sane." Dr. Forrester
snuck a quick peek at his sleeve before continuing.

"Granted... I couldn't have foreseen you creating Hack and Slash to
strengthen your resolve in the theater... but I've been monitoring your
mind, Joel, and as your skin thickens with each passing year, so does
your spirit weaken. How much more of this can you take? I, for one,
can't WAIT to find out... heh heh heh..."

Dr. Forrester turned to face the viewscreen. "In the meantime, Joel,
it's time for the invention exchange. Hit me with your best shot! Just...
y'know, not in the face..."

* * *

SATELLITE OF LOVE

"OK, sirs, we all decided to contribute an invention this week
and... wait, where's Tom?" Joel Robinson frowned.

"Hey short-stop, shake the lead out!" Crow T. Robot exclaimed
off-camera.

"Hold your horses, Pinbeak! I'm coming!" Tom Servo gasped as
he rushed onto the bridge, his body smeared with grease. "Ready,
Joel!"

"Geez, little accident with the grease gun, Servo?" Crow taunted.

"Hey, you try building stuff with no arms!" Tom retorted, indignant.

"Settle down, guys." Joel admonished before continuing. "OK, sirs,
my invention is for people who like to wear their sunglasses at night, if
you know what I mean, but find them too cumbersome for their personal
tastes. So I came up with this... shades for contact lenses!"

Joel reached under the microscope and slowly lifted the slide out.
"I've only made one so far to give you an idea of how they'll look." he
said as he gingerly fitted the shaded lens into his left eye, completely
masking the pupil.

"This one's a traditional smoky glass model but I could also make
mirror ones too. It's the ultimate in optical coolness! What'da think,
guys?"

"Wow, that's great, Joel! Then when you wear them in your car and
get in an accident and the driver you crippled screams 'What are you,
BLIND?!?' You can proudly say! 'You betcha! But more importantly,
I'm COOL.' Crow exclaimed.

"Oh, like you could do better! Let's see what you got!" Joel pouted.

Crow puffed up visibly as he gestured at the counter. "My invention
is a solution for those of us who found out at the last minute about
something on TV that MUST BE TAPED *NOW* and the only
videotapes you have on-hand are old unlabeled ones with god-knows-what
on them and the copy protection tab ripped off."

Crow picked up his invention from the counter: an ordinary looking
VHS tape and gestured at the copy protection tab. "As you can see, I've
attached tiny little hinges to this tab, enabling you to protect and free
your tape's contents at will. No longer will you have to frantically tear
the house apart looking for something sticky to cover your blunder. Just
close and open... close and oops!" Crow paused as he snapped one of
the fragile hinges on the tab. "Well, you can clearly see the advantages..."

"Yeah, I can. And I also think you need to spend more time outside
and get some fresh..." Joel trailed off as he stared out the window into
the vast regions of space. "Well, outside your room, at least."

"Yeah, yeah, I'll do it after I clean Servo's room. Speaking of which,
what'da you make, Tommy?" Crow inquired.

"Well..." Tom's voice had a note of annoyance to it. "If I'd known
you guys were going to aim so low, I wouldn't have gone to all the
trouble..."

"What trouble? What's your invention anyway?" Joel asked.

"Oh, nothing as earnestly important as impractical narcissistic eyewear
or time-savers for obsessive boob tube freaks! It's only a lousy stinking
carburetor that gets 300 miles to the gallon is all!" Tom snapped.

"W-What!? Tom, are you serious!?" Joel exclaimed, his eyes wide.

"Apparently, I was the only one that was!" Tom snapped. But don't
worry, guys, your trite little exercise in banality has shown me the error
of my ways! I'll just take my silly little bid for world peace and toss it out
the airlock so it can float away with the hopes and dreams of mankind!
Fear not, oil companies of the world! Tom Servo has withdrawn from
the battlefield!" Tom sobbed before dramatically whisking himself
off the bridge.

"Next show at 3 o'clock." Crow muttered.

"Ah, what'd think, sirs?" Joel asked sheepishly.

* * *

DEEP 13

"Book him on dinner theater, he can't be any worse than Craig
T. Nelson. But then, who could?" Dr. Forrester smirked. "But
enough about you, let's get down to brass tacks... whatever the hell
that means. Frank!"

"I wanna live downnn thereeee...!" TV's Frank sang as he carried
in a metal stool with a phone on top and set it down beside Dr. Forrester.

"I came up with this idea after being rudely awakened at nine in
the morning by a telemarketer asking if I wanted to buy tickets for a
local charity show. After I cursed her out, traced the call and gave an
anonymous tip to the police about a certain address providing sexual
favors for reefer, I calmed down and realized that telemarketing was
evil and thus I should be helping not hindering it. Thus, the
Telemarketer Cut-In was born!"

"Picture it, Joel... You're on the phone, chatting to an old friend...
Your bribed phone company official notices that four minutes and
fifty-five seconds has elapsed. In five more seconds..."

"Hey! Have you thought about the benefits of LIFE INSURANCE?!"
Air ducts need cleaning? Care to partake in a short three hour survey?
Windows need cleaning? Screening? Replacing? Uninstalling?
Defragging? Frank exclaimed in his best suck-up tone of voice.

"Oh man, that's terrible... but can't you just hang up and call your
friend back?" Tom asked.

"Sure, you can... of course, if you attempt to use the phone within
the next five minutes you HAVE to hear the ad before you can
dial... AND... if someone thinks that they DON'T have to hear the ad,
just putting down the phone until it's over... well, if you don't press the
# button within five seconds of the message ENDING, it loops! How's
that for EEEEEvil, Joel? BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Joel shook his head. "How can you invent that kinda stuff with a
clear conscience, sirs?"

"We're the Mads. We don't care. We don't have to." Frank replied
smugly.

"Well said, Lily. Anyhoo, your experiment this week stars pod
people and I don't mean Trumpy. They may claim to be from Sailor
Moon, Escaflowne, Gundam Wing, Card Captor Sakura, Fushigi Yuugi
and Dragon Ball Z, but trust me, they ain't. It's four parts of pointless
pestilence guaranteed to poison your soul. Oh, speaking of which, there
is no God. There is only... well, you'll find out soon enough." he chuckled.

"D-Did you say four parts?" Tom gulped as he finally rose from behind
the counter.

"Trust me, Joel... robots... this time, I've found a HELL of a target."
Dr. Forrester replied with a cold smile before the viewscreen blinked off.

Joel and the bots exchanged uneasy glances. Then he placed a
reassuring arm around each bot. "Don't worry, guys. When we work
together, there's nothing we can't overcome!" he exclaimed with a
confident smile.

"He's right! Let's bolster our courage with a song! Ohhhh, band of
brothers, shoulder to shoulder, none dare defy us, none are any bolder...!"
Crow sang as he strolled into the theater.

"What is he, Canadian?" Tom inquired to a confused Joel as they
both followed the singing robot.

 

(Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do anything, it's
yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.)

(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open for you
as you pass through.)

(Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch as
the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you step over it.)

(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for awhile
before proceeding.)

(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a
drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it cautiously,
looking for moat monsters.)

(Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a large hand reaches out
of its center and pulls you inside.)

 

Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his arms,
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to
him, Crow sitting on his right.

 

>THE LIGHTS OF MY HOPES: FROM HEAVEN TO HELL

Crow: Hey cool! We're getting an ABC movie of the week!

Joel: Oh no, my soap's on! Where's my tape!? CAN SOMEBODY
LEND ME A TAPE?!?

 

>Usagi was carrying a basket of baked cookies towards Mamoru's
>apartment.

Tom: Knowing Usagi, that basket is getting lighter and lighter with
every step.

 

>The sky was as clear as fresh water in the morning. The way the sun
>shone you would think it was literally bowing to the Tsuki no Hime.
>
>She was climbing the stairs when she had this feeling that something
>was wrong.

Crow: [Usagi] I'm not getting anywhere... and people are coming right
at me! AHHHH!!

 

>As she walked her ponytails trailed swiftly behind her as she walked to
>the door.

Tom: To recap: she is engaging in ambulatory behavior.

 

>When she was in front of the apartment's door she started to reach for
>the knob when, all of a sudden, Mamoru opened the door while kissing
>a red headed woman.

Crow: After years of rejecting Charlie Brown, the little red-haired girl
goes slumming.

 

>Usagi gasped as the basket fell on to the ground. The contents flew out
>onto the floor. The pain from her heart traveled through her body to
>her arms then out her fingers.

Joel: [Usagi] DIVINE RETRIBUTION! *ZAP!*

 

>Mamouru was in shock then shouted, "Usako!" as she ran down the
>stairs. He quickly ran after her while hearing the red headed girl
>shouting at him to stay with her.

Tom: [red-haired girl] Hey, $500 for the night or Nabiki's gonna send
a rabid panda after you!

 

>Usagi ran with all her might. Her vision clearly stated that tears
>blinded her.

Crow: She got those eyes from Flint Novelty for $1.98.

 

>For once she was graceful, taking two steps at a time. She could hear
>Mamoru shouting at her to stop running

Joel: [Mamoru as Tommy Lee Jones] Tsukino Usagi, it's time to stop
running!

Tom: [Usagi] But I caught you with another woman!

Joel: [Mamoru as Tommy Lee Jones] I don't care!

 

>then he shouted that he could explain. Like, whatever!

Joel: The narrator must've been an extra in "Bring It On".

 

>She ran onto the street, not realizing the fact that a truck was heading
>for her way. Mamoru stopped at the sidewalk and was about to shout
>STOP, but it was too late the truck slammed into her, instantly killing
>her.

Tom: [Red Foxx] Outta my way, dummy!

Joel: [Mamoru] Ah well, least I saved my breath.

 

>~PARK~
>Rei, Ami, Minako and Makoto were walking towards the park when
>they gasped in pain and disbelief,

Crow: [Rei, gagging] D-Dead skunk... save... yourselves...

 

>'Usagi,' they thought as they felt the warm, pure aura disappear.

Joel: Much like a fish flushed down the toilet.

Crow: [Rei] Well, I guess that settles it. I'm in charge now.

 

>~OUTTER MANSION~
>
>Hakura and Hotaru were listening to Michiru playing the violin when
>one note went off key, 'Usagi,' they thought as a tear slid down
>Hotaru's face.

Tom: This was right before Michiru broke into a rousing rendition
of "The Devil Came Down to Georgia".

Crow: [Haruka] You go, Johnny!

 

>~TIME GATES~
>
>Setsuna was at the time gates.

Crow: ...picking her nose.

Joel: [Setsuna] It's a Chrono Trigger invasion! Run!

 

>Why couldn't she see the future before this happened!?
>Her horror-stricken face specifically told people that pain was going
>through her.

Tom: She must've had the EXTRA-spicy salsa.

Crow: *Setsuna* is panicking? That's gotta be a sign of the apocalypse.

 

>~ME TALKING~

Joel: No, me Tarzan. You Jane.

Tom: Narrative integrity... yet another casualty of union truckers!

 

>Something's for sure. We know that those eight girls just lost their
>"Light of Hope."

Crow: Fortunately, they had a backup, the Light of Hype!

Joel: [little old lady voice] Two dollars on the clean cut white senshi!

 

>~HEAVEN~
>
>Queen Selenity was quite calm about all this since now, after all the
>pain her daughter had gone through, could finally rest in peace in
>heaven with her mother. Not only that but meet her father as well.
>
>The Queen of the Moon sighed as she sat on her throne while she felt
>Usagi's soul enter the heaven gate,

Joel: [Queen Selenity] I hope Usagi brought exact change for St. Peter.
He can be so fussy.

Tom: [St. Peter] No exact change? Then NO SALVATION FOR
YOU!

 

>"Hotohori, Allen," She commanded as a brown-headed emperor and a
>blond haired swordsman appeared in front of one of the queen goddess,
>bowing.
>
>Selenity drew in a breath and continued, "Please go and lead my
>daughter, Usagi-hime, here."

Tom: [Serenity] Offer her candy and goodies. If she refuses, get the
rope and gag.

Crow: [Serenity] Try not to mention trucks. She'll be sensitive to that.

 

>"Hai, Selenity-sama," they chorused.

Tom: [serious announcer voice] Although she vehemently denied it to
the press, the rumors of cult-worship and brain-washing at Serenity's
fortified bunker in heaven proved all too true for the unfortunate young
men that fell under her sway...

 

>Selenity inhaled again as she sat back on her throne,

Joel: [Serenity] Mmmm, this weed is simply heaven...

 

>'It's going to be hell explaining things to her.' She thought.

Tom: [Serenity] 'Ask your father'. Yes, that'll get me off the hook.

 

>~SOMEWHERE~

Crow: Setting... check and double-check!

 

>Usagi, in her princess form, was floating in pure white. Warmth
>surrounded her. She kept on floating until she descended on her back
>on something soft, 'Too soft.' She thought in confusion.

Crow: So soft that she didn't even notice Snuggles mauling her until it
was too late.

 

>She opened her cerulean eyes, after a while looking around at the
>endless blue sky she pushed herself in a sitting position.

Crow: Only to have a falling Charlie Sheen ruin her day.

Tom: [Usagi] You jerk! You sucked in "Men at Work" too!

 

>She then closed her eyes, 'So many good auras,' She thought in
>suspicion.

Crow: [Usagi] Damned good people. Hate the bastards.

 

>"Hello, fair lady," a hand popped into her vision. She looked up to
>stare into beautiful blue eyes.

Joel: [Hamburger Helper] Want to have dinner? I make a great meal!

 

>Usagi smiled slightly, but took the hand and let the man pull her up,
>"My name is Allen Sezar (please tell me how it's spelt)

Tom: (singing) This baloney has a second name, it's o-f-m-y-hopes...

 

>and my comrade here is Seishuku but you can call him Hotohori." He
>introduced while taking her hand and kissed it.

Crow: [Hotohori] Ahh, my little zaichik! Ve shall break black bread
and vodka and toast our fallen comrades!

 

>Usagi blinked once and turned to the other man and blushed to be in
>the presence of two very kawii men.

Tom: Yes folks, the urge to procreate continues all the way into the time
when you don't even have a body!

 

>Hotohori smiled, 'She's kawii when she blushes,' he thought,

Crow: Did I hear that right? She's a cow when she blushes?

Tom: (singing) She is the one called Sailor Moo!

 

>"Please follow us to Selenity-sama," He said to her.
>
>"You mean my mother?" she asked as Allen nodded while motioning
>her towards a marbled building.

Crow: [Allen] No, William James Serenity, last of Yorkshire.

Joel: [Usagi] Nice digs... does Mom work at a bank now?

 

>While walking Usagi asked, "Where am I?"
>
>Allen smiled, "This is heaven."

Tom: [Usagi] Whose heaven?

Crow: [Allen] Mamoru's. Here's your lingerie, your whip, and a big
plate of bratwurst... wait here for about thirty years, he'll show sometime.

 

>Usagi stopped in mid step, "I'm dead?"
>
>Hotohori stared at her in bewilderment, "Of course."
>
>"But what will my friends do?" She asked as they began to walk again.
>
>Hotohori smiled, 'She just like Miaka,' "They will just have to get
>over it,"

Crow: And if I see Robin Williams or Cuba Gooding Jr. I'm quitting
outright.

 

>Usagi's eyes widened, but she still walked along the duo, 'I'm going to
>miss them...'
>
>"Usagi-hime? We're here,"Allen said.

Joel: [Allen] Here's your television screen, Usagi. Now scare that little
brat Carol Anne silly!

 

>Usagi looked at him with unshed tears and nodded as the duo left her.
>
>'I hope she's okay,' Allen thought sadly.
>
>~INSIDE THE PALACE~

Crow: Slot machines were ringing and Nick Cage was proceeding to lose
Sarah Jessica Parker again.

Joel: Lucky man.

 

>Usagi entered the hallway and into the throne room.
>
>"Usagi, please sit," Selenity said calmly with a smile as a chair appeared
>behind Usagi.
>
>Usagi nodded as she sat down. She was about to open her mouth but
>Selenity interrupted her.

Tom: [Serenity]: No, there's no way to get hold of rubber pants at this
time of night.

 

>"Usagi, you do know why you're here?" Usagi nodded.

Joel: [Usagi as Stanley Spadowski] Uhh... 'cause you're lonely?

 

>Of course she knew, after all the fighting for love and
>justice, pain and torture... heaven is the most likely
>place she'll be.

Tom: So you can imagine her surprise when she stumbled upon the
death camps.

 

>Selenity sighed as Usagi just stared at her mother in worry for her
>mother seemed quite tired, "Usagi, have you ever wondered who your
>father was and why he was never there for you?"

Joel: [Usagi] Briefly. Then I remembered my father was a television
set and was often on the fritz.

 

>Now as her mother pointed it out, she never really knew who he was.
>He wasn't even there at her birth or anything.

Tom: [Usagi] Unless he was the one that hung me upside down,
smacked me on the butt, and got me hooked on the bottle...

 

>He was never there to give advice in any battle she had been in or help
>her through the pain;

Crow: [Endymion] You know I love ya, baby! I wouldn't leave ya! It
wasn't my fault! Honest! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood!
Locusts! IT WASN'T MY FAULT I SWEAR TO GOD!!!

 

>it was always her mother, Queen Selenity, "Know you mention it, I want
>to know who father is,"
>
>The Queen drew in a breath to calm her senses, "It started when I met
>your father in the garden, and your father was always hard to resist by
>any girl,"

Tom: [Queen Selenity] He was immune to pepper spray and his bones
healed quickly.

 

>Usagi blushed at that comment, "You know one thing leads to another.
>Oh, you father's name is Richard. He was a blond haired and
>blue-eyed man.

All: (singing) He was a... fine upstanding... patriotic... healthy normal,
American boy!

Joel: They're living in Heaven and in sin at the same time!!

 

>(Made Richard up, deal with it)

Crow: [Usagi] You... you... made my dad UP?! MOOOOMM!!

 

>I loved him and still do. Unfortunately I wasn't
>the only one to fall for him. He had and still have many wives."
>
>"How?" Usagi thought in shock.

Tom: [Serenity] He's a Mormon, dear.

Joel: Or maybe the alien shapeshifter from that one episode of
Futurama...

 

>Selenity took another breath as she continued, "Usagi, your father is
>god,"

Joel: [Serenity] Well, at least he is in his own mind.

 

>"WHAT!!!!" Usagi yelled in shock. Her sudden eruption was echoed
>throughout heaven.

Tom: Many lives were threatened by Mount Saint Usagi that day...

 

>~ON EARTH~
>It was raining... pretty hard on a Saturday.

Joel: Dogs and cats took to floating down the streets.

Tom: [Rei] Aww crap, and me without my ark!

 

>Ami bit her lower lip as she stood in front of Usagi's grave. In her hands
>she held a bouquet a red rose.

Joel: [Ami] These are lovely... but I really wish Mamoru had waited
till AFTER the funeral to court me.

 

>A lonely tear rolled down her cheek as she spoke, "Usagi... it's been a
>day," Ami smiled, "Time passes quickly... too quickly,"

Crow: Holy crap, she was buried in a flat hurry!

Tom: [Mamoru] The hole has been pre-dug, here's a list of hymns to
sing for her, I have a shoebox for the ashes and we'll be home by supper!

 

>Ami licked her lips as more tears made their way down her cheek.

Joel: [Ami] Mmm, I never knew grief could be such a turn-on. Maybe I
should go Goth...

 

>(Heaven and earth's time is different.)

Crow: Stinking Heaven, they're always on Daylight Savings!

 

>She was about to say something else until a ball of energy directly hit her
>on the heart. The great energy was driving into her wanting something
>very valuable.

Tom: Little did Ami know the Cell games were going on directly
overhead.

 

>Ami let out a blood-curling scream of true pain. It continued to
>give her immense pain until a blue crystal shaped like a diamond a.k.a.
>the Mercury star seed.

Crow: The ball of energy also extracted all traces of verb.

 

>Once the star seed was forced out its carrier's body Ami instantly let the
>bouquet drop on Usagi's grave. Her eyes held no life.
>
>Another tear strolled out of her eyes,

Tom: Casually, cheerfully, enjoying a good romp around the lacrimal
gland...

 

>"Usagi," she whispered as she fell onto the damp ground.

Crow: Hey, Smolken! Cleanup on Aisle 3!

Tom: [Ami] One... last... request. (singing) Ohhhh bur-y me
NOOOOOOT... on the lone prai-rie...

 

>At last with one more tear she faded away as if she was trash.

Joel: (singing) Earth an-gelll, earth an-gellll...

Tom: No body or weapon? CSI has their work cut out for them.

 

>But before a hand could snatch the star seed it flew towards heaven
>toward something, someone to be exact.
>
>~HEAVEN~

Tom: *thunk*

Joel: [Usagi] OWW! What the hell stabbed me in the ear?!

 

>Selenity was a bit taken back by Usagi's reaction but she still stood there
>calmly, "Usagi calm down," She commanded.

Crow: [Usagi] "Richard"? The master of the universe and our Creator
is named "RICHARD"?!

 

>Usagi was panting in shock as her sixth sense kicked in as she felt a
>familiar energy fade but another energy faded as well, 'Probably people
>dieing from age,' she thought as she ignored the fading energies of
>people.

Crow: Meanwhile, Joe Estevez and Robert Z'Dar were laughing about
their fresh catches.

 

>"Listen I'm not the only wife of Richard, therefore you're not the only
>child of God, understood?" Selenity asked.

Joel: [Usagi] But I thought we ALL were children of God!

Tom: [Serenity] Look, I didn't write this thing so just bear with
me, 'kay!?

 

>"So I have sisters and brothers?" Usagi asked, just to be sure.
>
>Selenity nodded, "But only sisters, your father is still waiting for a
>boy.

Crow: [Serenity] Richard's only one more failure away from lopping
heads... *brrr*.

 

>You have three older sisters and two younger sisters,"
>
>Usagi only nodded as Selenity went on, "They are Miaka, Hitomi,
>Relena, Sakura and Tomoyo."

Tom: Thankfully, the author only had five darts.

 

>Selenity explained, "You'll go to Heaven High for further education."
>
>Usagi's face faulted as she crashed onto the floor, "School?" She
>whined.
>
>Selenity nodded, "It would help you meet other people."
>
>Usagi whined again.

Tom: Anyone else getting the impression she's a tire with a slow leak?

 

>~NEXT DAY~

Joel: [Serenity] ...and when you're sixty-five, they'll give you a shiny
gold watch! And all thanks to the education you got in school! NOW
will you go?

Crow: [Usagi] *whinnnnnne*

 

>The next day was different to Usagi; everywhere she went everywhere
>was white,

Crow: Oh, I get it. The brotha-man ain't *welcome* in Heaven.

 

>she really needed to get use to this heaven thing.

Joel: [Usagi, singing] It's too heavenly up herrrrrrre...!

Tom: [Serenity] No Disney songs, please. Even God can't afford the
royalties.

 

>She woke up two hours early thanks to her mother. But Selenity said
>that an early start could give her the advantage in meeting people.

Tom: Because of course everyone needs sleep once they exit the frailties
of their human existence...

 

>Usagi rolled her eyes again as she thought of what her mother told her,
>'Yeah right, who's going to school at 7 o'clock?'
>
>She was walking towards Heaven High until, as usual, she knocked into
>someone, "Sorry, I wasn't watching," she apologized.

Joel: And that's why you're HERE, Usagi.

 

>"No it's ok," The male voice replied. Usagi looked up just to look into
>sapphire eyes, "My name is Quartre,"
>
>She smiled, "Usagi,"
>
>His eyes widened as they started to walk towards Heaven High,

Tom: [Usagi] Look at all those crosses... wait a minute, there's
STUDENTS nailed to them!?

Crow: [Quatre] Yeah, detention's a real bitch.

 

>"Your Usagi-hime?"
>
>Usagi nodded, 'He's kawii,'

Tom: Yeah, that Quatre is one svelte heifer.

 

>Then Quartre's face became straight. Usagi leaned over to look at his
>face as he began to talk again, "Look out for your sister, Relena-hime."

Tom: [Quatre] She drives a truck too.

 

>Usagi stared at him as if he was crazy but she nodded. Once they
>stepped on school property a voice started her, "Well another whore,"

Joel: Can you say that in Heaven?

Crow: Of course, all hookers have hearts of gold. Don't you watch
movies?

Joel: No, I'm just sitting here for the smell of cheap popcorn.

 

>Usagi's eyes narrowed at that comment and was about to go up to the
>honey browned haired girl, but she was held back by Quartre,
>"Relena-sama, good morning," He greeted nicely while bowing.

Tom: [Relena] And my quarter, dweeb?

 

>Usagi was in shock. Relena then spoke again in a voice that told
>everyone that she was number one, "Rise Quartre," Relena smiled but it
>disappeared as Relena turned towards Usagi, "And please teach this
>bitch some manners." With that said she turned and walked away.

Joel: [Quatre] Okay then... your dessert fork is on the far left, then your
salad fork...

Crow: [Usagi] Aren't they all dessert forks?

 

>Quartre turned to the now fuming with anger Usagi and said, "She's
>Relena," he indicated the girl who acted as if she was the best, "and
>unfortunately God and Shinigami chose her to become the mistress of
>the cosmos star seed a.k.a. the user of light and darkness."

Tom: [Quatre] And if you call her "God's Pet" you'll be spending your
next fourteen lives as a salamander.

Joel: I guess Relena is advocating a very catty, passive-aggressive form
of absolute pacifism.

 

>They started to walk again, "But why her?"
>
>Quartre sighed, he hated explaining everything to new comers,

Tom: [Quatre] The hell am I, a non-player character?

Joel: [Quatre] She had legs... and she knew how to use them.

 

>and "You see Relena's mother, Lina-sama, is God's favourite Goddess.
>Therefore she convinced God that Relena was the perfect choice to
>be the ruler of the universe once the cosmos star seed is found."

Crow: [Quatre] And the heavens opened and the earth moved THAT
day, let me tell ya...

 

>"God doesn't have the star seed?" Usagi asked.
>
>"Correct," replied Quartre as they stopped in the hallway.
>
>"But how will they get the cosmos star seed?" she asked curiously.

Joel: [Quatre] eBay.

 

>"By killing the sailor senshi," he explained as Usagi dropped her books.
>
>"What?" Usagi asked silently just to make sure.
>
>Quartre took a breath and said slowly in concern; almost everyone
>knew what she had gone through and what the senshis were meant
>to her,

Joel: [Quatre] The senshi are toast. Have a nice day.

 

>"In order to get the center of the universe, which is the cosmos star
>seed, the star and planet powers must merge together. And the only
>way Relena can get the star seed is to kill all the senshis and merge
>their star seed by her bare hands."

Tom: [Quatre] Naturally, God approves of this plan. Which reminds
me, I have to pick up his smokes and vodka after school.

Joel: [Usagi] Wouldn't it be easier to just hijack the Enterprise?

 

>Usagi was in shock and was half panting and half crying as if she was
>chocking. She licked her lips and fan out of school

Tom: She's the wind, baby.

Joel: [Author] *sniff* Gawd, isn't this just tragic and stuff? *sniff*

 

>only to be knocked down by a ball of energy, and since she was dead,
>the energy only knocked her down.

Crow: [Quatre] Goku, can't you practice those AFTER school!?

 

>Usagi sat up and stared at her soon to be nightmare, Relena.

Tom: [Relena, singing] Five... six... grab your crucifix...

 

>Relena shook her index finger in the air, "Bad, bad girl, you know you
>should stay at school or you'll get more then that." By now a whole
>crowd of angels gathered around to see who is Relena's victim this time.

Joel: Just another kooky day at Degrassi Heaven High.

 

>Usagi got up, bit her lower lip, and practically staring full hatred at her
>sister while boys gathered behind Relens. Quartre went up behind Usagi,
>holding her books while whispering in her ear a warning,

Tom: [Quatre, whispering] A child who is not of your line grows in
my belly...

 

>"She might be your third oldest sister, but she packs the most punch
>out of almost everyone except for God and the other Goddesses,"

Joel: [Quatre] That's why you had to beat Mr. Sandman and Super
Macho Man before meeting her.

 

>he handed the books back to her then took her hand and dragged her
>into the school as the bell rang.

Tom: [Quatre] Hurry up, Usagi! If you're tardy here, it REALLY
goes on your permanent record!

 

>~MATH CLASS~

Crow: The latest award winning, hard hitting drama that'll be shuffled
from timeslot to timeslot, frequently preempted and canceled shortly
after its premiere! Thank you, FOX! Thank you so bloody much!

 

>Usagi wasn't paying attention to the angel teacher,

Crow: She was too busy snorting her angel dust.

Tom: [Teacher] Wa wah wa waah... WAAH!!

Joel: [Usagi] I'm awake! I'm awake! The answer is six!

 

>instead she was thinking, 'that huge energy lost was Ami... I'm sorry I
>didn't stop them...' a tear dropped to the ground which got seeped into
>the fluffy cloud.

Joel: So she and Grumpy Bear will soon form the loner crowd, right?

 

>~EARTH~
>
>Minako was walking along the sidewalk around eleven o'clock. Her
>shadow trailed behind her.

Crow: (solemn) The weed of crime bears bitter senshi.

 

>She was alone since Usagi's death, now it's Ami. No one
>had any hope in defeating this new enemy who wants star seeds. No
>one believed in herself or anyone either.

Joel: [Minako] God, I could use a 'Sailor Moon Says' about now...

 

>Ever since Usagi's death everyone were alone. Outters stuck to
>themselves as the inners scattered all around Tokyo.

Tom: Prompting the repeated asking of the dreaded question: Are you
an innie or outtie?

 

>If for some reason they bump into each other they would say a friendly,
>"Hi," or just ignore each other. All that happened in two days,

Crow: Somehow, I always knew Mamoru would break up the senshi.

Tom: [Mamoru] I'm putting Usagi's outfits up for auction! And I think
I can find some of her unreleased karaoke songs!

 

>'Usagi everything is in chaos. No one was lying when they said that you
>were our light of hope,' Minako thought.
>
>Pain was written in her eyes.

Tom: [Minako] Last time I switch the saline solution with my
mouthwash...

 

>She stood there on the sidewalk as people of all ages walked pass her.
>She didn't even care to dodge the ball of energy that had her death
>written on it.

Joel: [Minako] Eh, Arty's smart. He can open his own cat food.

Crow: [Minako] Joke's on Relena, now my next-of-kin will get triple
the benefits!

 

>Citizens ran screaming from the disappearing body. Then a mysterious
>hand grabbed the orange star seed before it could fly to heaven.

Tom: Thing! Now you put that down RIGHT NOW, Thing!

 

>~NOWHERE~
>
>The blue star seed sprang from the clouds as a ghostly figure formed
>around the star seed. The figure was Sailor Mercury.

Joel: [Sailor Mercury] Boooooo... BOOOOO... uh, so I'm really
supposed to do this for all eternity?

 

>Her eyes were closed which gave her an angelic look.
>
>As soon as her feet touched the soft substance her eyes opened.
>'Usagi...' she thought as she walked silently towards the pure energy
>of her friend.

Tom: (singing) Pureeee en-er-gy!

Crow: No biggie. Once Makoto and Rei collect the seven Dragon Balls,
she'll be back to normal.

 

>~HEAVEN HIGH~
>
>It was now lunchtime. Students were hurrying to their friends. Usagi
>was sitting under a tree while she leaned her back against the trunk of
>a tree.

Joel: Slowly, a serpent slithered toward Usagi...

Tom: [Kaa, singing] Trusssst... in me...

 

>She held her lunch box tightly, 'Minako,' she thought sadly as she felt
>someone claim her star seed.

Crow: [Usagi] They may claim the star seeds... but NOBODY'S
touching my egg salad sandwich!

 

>"Usagi!" greeted a girl with brown hair with odangos as well, "Hi my
>name is Miaka your oldest sister, and this is,"
>
>"Hitomi," the other girl with light brown hair in a boyish hair cut.

Tom: [Miaka] And on your left, more sisters! Aaliyah, Nell Carter,
Ella Fitzgerald...

 

>Usagi smiled, "So your also my sisters?" she asked, 'They seem nice,'
>she thought.
>
>The one named Hitomi nodded as they sat beside her, one on each side.
>"So what do you think of Relena?" Miaka asked as she took a sandwich
>out of her lunchbox.

Joel: [Miaka] Meatloaf... even in heaven, I can't escape you.

Crow: [Usagi] She seems the best butt to stitch my lips to. Excuse
me, I'll be sycophanting...

 

>"I dislike her," Usagi replied while she took her cookies out.
>
>"I don't blame you. The only reason why she attracts boys is that she
>was chosen by father to become the ruler of the universe," Hitomi
>said, already liking Usagi.

Tom: [Usagi] So, that whole celibacy thing is complete bullhuckey here?

Joel: [Miaka] Pretty much.

 

>"But I don't understand, why did Shinigami pick her?" Usagi asked in
>confusion.
>
>Miaka inhaled then explained, "Father promised Shinigami that he could
>marry any of us,"

Crow: [Shinigami] I'm the Lord of Darkness. Sorry about this.

Tom: [Usagi, darkly] He'd better have a helluva shotgun.

 

>Usagi gasped in disbelief, "He used us?!"

Crow: [Miaka] Like a roll-on deodorant.

Joel: [Usagi] Figures, this whole situation stinks!

 

>Hitomi licked her lips and nodded even though she couldn't quite
>understand why her own father would even use his daughters that way.

Crow: Maybe he's still bitter about the whole apple thing?

Tom: And thus the first draft of the Even Newer Testament was born!

 

>"Hello your majesties," greeted Quartre with Hotohori and Allen
>following behind him.
>
>Usagi took one second to get out of her state of shock to acknowledge
>the boys.

Crow: [Usagi] Hey, gorgeous hunks! Just the thing I need to get my
mind off being exploited by my Almighty Dad!

 

>"This is..." Quartre started.
>
>"Hotohori and Allen," Usagi helped him.
>
>Quartre blinked, "Um... yeah,"

Tom: Wow, I've been having that reaction for the entire story.

 

>Usagi giggled.
>
>"Well how's everyone?" Allen asked in a gentlemen way.
>
>"We're fine," Miaka replied.
>
>"HEY!" yelled another girl with brown hair who dragged another girl
>with black hair. They were around the age of ten.

Joel: [Miaka] Don't mind them, they died in the prehistoric era and
they're still... adjusting.

 

>They stopped in front of the group while panting for air.
>
>Hotohori smiled, "This is Sakura and Tomoyo, your younger sisters."
>Each girl nodded at her name.

Joel: [Usagi] Wow, I have a bigger family than the Baldwins!

 

>"Hi," said the one called Tomoyo with a smile, "I hope you'll enjoy it
>here,"
>
>"Not if Relena is around," Sakura putted in.
>
>Everyone laughed. Usagi was already enjoying Heaven.

Tom: The friends, the teasing, the cosmic plot to murder all of her
friends...

 

>~EARTH~
>
>Makoto stood near the pond; she stared blankly at her reflection. She
>couldn't cry any more, she's all out.

Tom: I'll say! When she started, she was next to a puddle!

 

>She had just felt the last soul of Minako's body disappear into nothing.
>She could feel Minako's star seed in the hands of another, 'Usagi...
>Ami... Minako...'

Crow: [Makoto] Man, the week we pawn the Ginzuishou for fifteen
bucks, this all has to happen...

 

>She blinked once, 'I'm sorry everyone for not being there for all of
>you,'

Joel: [Makoto] But I was scheduled for detention through all of
your wakes.

 

>Makoto could feel a immense energy gather behind her. She also know
>that with out Usagi she had no hope in defending herself therefore she
>didn't even resist as the energy drilled into her body and pushed her soul
>out, her star seed.

Crow: [Makoto as Raul Julia] I'M INTERFACED!!!

 

>The mysterious hand grabbed the green star seed so it wouldn't
>reach heaven.

Joel: Curse that Arby's Oven Mitt!

 

>It might have missed Mercury, but it'll just get that one in heaven.

Crow: One wonders why the hand would even bother then?

Joel: Well, it was on the way to grabbing a Slushie at the 7-11...

Tom: And once all the seeds were collected, the hand would finally
have its revenge on Kyrandia...

 

>"Usagi..." Makoto gasped silently as she slowly floated away

Crow: Only to be blasted by a laser stream before being violently
sucked into an electromagnetic field.

Tom: [Peter Venkman] And another ghost bites the dust!

 

>~HEAVEN~
>
>Usagi was walking down the hallway of Heaven High happily since she
>made friends with a lot of people. It was already the end of the school
>day.

Joel: Who could possibly *want* heaven to be a high school?

Crow: And does that mean that the teachers are actually in hell?

 

>Then her head snapped up as she felt Makoto's star seed being claimed.
>Usagi blinked her tears away as she quickly stormed out of the school.

Tom: [Usagi] I'm taking my recess back, dammit!

Crow: [Usagi] Hooky is a right, not a privilege! SKIP SCHOOL! SKIP
SCHOOL!

 

>"Crybaby," teased a mocking voice of Relena.
>Usagi stopped as she shut her eyes tightly trying to keep the tears in.
>"You're weak," Relena insulted again.

Tom: [Geese Howard] PATHETIC!

 

>Miaka and Hitomi pushed their way through the crowd; Quartre, Allen
>and Hotohori were already at the front watching the fight seriously.
>Sakura and Tomoyo were with boys; they were biting their lips.

Joel: Odd time to be sucking face, wouldn't you say?

Tom: [Usagi] What am I, a car accident!? Quit staring and HELP ME
already!!

 

>Usagi eyes snapped open and she turned around as a tear escaped the
>barrier she put on, "What do you know!?" she screamed. Her hands
>formed into a fist.

Crow: [Usagi] USAGI-HULK SMASH PUNY PRINCESS!!!

 

>The boys behind Relena moved closer to her just in case. Relena smirked
>and raise her hand as a crystal ball formed in her hand, "Look she
>commanded,"

Joel: [Relena] This ball sees four hours into the future and... hey, wait a
minute! Why am I turning into a swan?!?

 

>Everyone stared at the ball. Usagi looked at it calmly as she saw a
>girl in a priestess outfit praying to a fire, 'Rei...' Usagi thought.

Tom: [Rei] Oh wise and powerful Richard! Thank you for bestowing
upon me the leadership of the senshi and... U-Usagi! S-So nice to see
you again...!!

 

>~EARTH~
>Rei sat on her knees while her hands formed into a shape telling people
>she was praying,

Joel: [Rei] This is the church, this is the steeple...

 

>'Ami, Minako and Makoto were dead and they never even
>fought to protect themselves,' she thought. How did she know? If
>the girls did fight back she would have felt their energies rise.

Crow: [Rei] Whose stupid idea was passive resistance again?!

 

>'Ever since Usagi's death all the girls lost their belief and hope,'
>Rei though as her hand split apart from the praying shape. She fell
>forward as she used her hands to support her weight. She licked her
>lips as droplets after droplets of her tears fell onto the wooden floor.

Tom: Water it all you want, that tree ain't gonna grow again.

 

>~BACK TO HEAVEN~

Crow: [Michael Landon] Hey, this isn't the place I remember! Victor,
what happened?

 

>Usagi saw everything, how Rei was praying then she cried, "And that's
>not all," said Relena, immediately getting Usagi's attention as a ki ball
>formed in Relena's other hand. Relena then smirked and said darkly,
>"Come on Usagi, say good-bye," She said as she threw the energy ball.
>It zoomed through the air in high speed then headed towards its target
>in Tokyo.

Joel: ...Tokyo Tower, again.

Tom: [Tokyo citizen] Can't we keep it standing for more than two lousy
weeks?!

 

>~BACK TO EARTH~
>Rei didn't even move as she felt an evil energy coming closer to her.

Crow: [Rei] Touch me and DIE, Happosai.

 

>She shut her mouth tightly to keep her screams into moans; she refused
>to show pain to the enemy. She fell onto the ground weakly. She then
>said softly,

Joel: [Rei] I do my own stunts.

 

>"Usagi... I know you can hear me..." Rei smiled then continued, "Even
>if we are dead... We still believe in you," Rei drew her last breath and
>died.

Tom: [Rei] 'We' being myself, Yuuichirou and Grandpa... oh wait, he
gave up last week.

 

>~SOMEWHERE ELSE ON EARTH~

Crow: Man, the location scouting for this fanfic must've been brutal.

 

>"The inners are dead," stated Hotaru in sadness.
>"They didn't even put up a fight," Michiru said which frowning.
>"How can they when our light of hope is gone?" Hakura asked.

Tom: [Michiru] Yeah, you're right. More coffee, Haruka?

Crow: [Hotaru] Is it time for the Silence yet? Pretty please? With
sugary death on top?

 

>~HEAVEN~
>
>"NNNOOOOO!!!!" a painful scream can be heard. Usagi sobbed in
>short painful gasped not even taking her eyes off the crystal ball.
>
>"That's not all," taunted Relena as a hole appeared in front of her.
>Relena then put her hand through.

Tom: [Usagi] Acme Holes?! Where did you get those? I want one!

 

>In the crystal ball Usagi saw through her tears that Relena's hand
>appeared in the sacred fire room, the hand grabbed the sparkling red
>star seed, claiming it. Relena pulled her hands out of the hole and
>revealed the jewel in her hand. It then disappeared in Relena's
>sub-dimensional pocket.

Joel: [Relena] And that's not all... oh wait, I'm done.

Tom: Would somebody PLEASE call Scott Guber already?

 

>Sakura, Tomoyo, Miaka and Hitomi had unshed tears in their eyes.
>Quartre, Hotohori and Allen frowned.
>
>Usagi snapped, "YOU BITCH!!!" she screamed as she slapped Relena
>across the face.

Joel: (pumps his fist) YEAH!

Crow: Go Usagi! Show her what a yellow belt can do!

 

>Everyone gasped. Relena was in shock. She held the side of her face
>with her hand. She narrowed her eyes on Usagi, "Why you!" She was
>going to blast Usagi when God appeared.

Tom: (Deep Voice) WHO THE HELL IS RICHARD AND WHY IS
HE USING MY BATH TOWELS?!? GET HIM OUT OF HERE,
PETER!

 

>"What's going on!?" he yelled.
>
>Relena put her puppy eyes on,
>
>"Usagi slapped me, father,"
>
>God turned to Usagi. Compared to the puppy eyed Relena, the staring
>hatred Usagi didn't stand a chance to win this fight.

Tom: So she settled for a disqualification by clobbering Relena with her
championship belt.

 

>God glared at Usagi disappointed, Usagi just glared at God. She didn't
>care if he was her father, all she knows is that her sister killed four of
>her friends and that her FATHER was never there for her.

Tom: Heaven hath no fury like a senshi scorned.

Crow: [Usagi] Especially on Sundays! It's your day off! What, were
you FISHING or something!?

 

>The other four princess and the three boys was shocked that Usagi
>would even think of slapping Relena.
>
>"Usagi?" God said in a demanding voice.
>
>"Yes, I did slap her," Usagi had no intentions in dropping her bravery
>for her friends; Relena smirked.

Tom: [Richard] And why did you do this?

Crow: [Usagi] Let's just say they don't call it a BITCHslap for nothing.

 

>God was obviously mad; he then snapped his fingers and everyone
>appeared in some sort of a judging building.

Tom: Yeah, let's see Judge Milian deal out a little rough justice.

Crow: Don't piss her off, Richard, or she'll break out the Spanish.

Joel: We want countersuit! We want countersuit!

 

>Usagi was in the middle with everyone sitting in chairs above her. She
>spotted Miaka, Hitomi, Sakura and Tomoyo sitting near each other.
>Her mother and the other four goddesses sat near God. Relena and her
>mother sat on each side of God.

Joel: Uh, I'd start working on the appeal now, Usagi.

Crow: [Usagi] Crap. Nolo contendre?

 

>"Usagi, this is the Heaven Court," God said.

Tom: [Richard] You are hereby charged with the crime of...

Crow: [Usagi] *swish* Yes! Two points!

Tom: [Richard] AHEM! The crime of...

Crow: [Usagi] *thunk* Woo hoo! Slam dunk!

Tom: [Richard] Would you please be serious!?

Crow: [Usagi] Aww, but I was about to launch a prayer at the buzzer!

 

>Usagi narrowed her eyes as Relena's mother Lina-sama spoke, "For
>slapping the future ruler of the universe you'll be punished."

Tom: She'll saddle Usagi with Naga as a sidekick for all eternity!

 

>At that Usagi narrowed her eyes more.

Joel: [Usagi] Call me Squinky.

Tom: (singing) And we'll race to the bottom of a glass...

 

>"My daughter," Selenity said sadly, "For such a crime, I'm afraid
>you'll have to be under supervision at all times."

Crow: [Usagi] No problem. You can watch me kick her ass.

 

>Usagi bit her touge and though, 'Hardly any privacy,' Usagi's vision
>switched her eyes from her mother to the smirking Relena.
>
>"Or," God's voice caught her attention, "you will be expelled from
>Heaven High and receive your lessen by mail."

Joel: [Usagi] I can be a dropout in Heaven? Wow, my mamma lied to
me all these years...

 

>'No friends,' thought Usagi.
>
>"Which will you choose?" Lina asked in disgust.
>
>Usagi hesitated but she was determined to win, "None," everyone
>gasped, "You heard me I deserve to slap Relena."

Crow: ...with as many frivolous lawsuits as my poor lawyer can stand!

Joel: [Usagi] And I deserve to call my defense counsel! Beetlejuice!
Beetlejuice! BEETLEJUICE!

 

>At that statement Lina and Relena grew angry, and they were about to
>say something but God interrupted her, "I am your father, what I say
>you do,"

Tom: [Usagi] OK... then I find YOU guilty! After all, judge not lest
thee be judged! Ring any bells, RICHARD?

 

>Usagi scorned, "Excuse me!? You? My father? You've never been there
>for me for anything. It was always mother who was always there to give
>me strength to believe in myself."

Joel: [Usagi] I accuse my Deity!

 

>Everyone in the building was in total shock from this girl. God's anger
>grew. Selenity was about to stop her daughter but Usagi continued on,
>"Like, where the hell were you when I was close to death for, how
>many times now? Oh I lost count on 50!

Tom: [Richard] Standing back, letting you handle it so that you could
grow as a human being and take your rightful place by my side
eventually... oh wait, you got tire treads on your face. My bad.

 

>YOU are not responsible in your daughters. It's always Relena! You
>even used you daughters to give Relena the title of soon to be ruler of
>the universe. WHAT KIND OF PARENT ARE YOU?!?!?!"

Crow: [Richard] Heh, you found me out... I must be trans-parent.

 

>"SHUT UP!!!!!" God yelled, everyone was in total shock from this
>girl's whole talk.

Crow: Geez, that makes what? Six times they've been shocked in the
last ten minutes?

Joel: Yeah, somebody call time of death already.

 

>And every single angel knew she was right, yet they were afraid to
>talk against God.

Tom: God'll cut ya, man, he'll cut ya!

 

>"YOU HAVE DISPLAYED YOUR IGNORANCE! FOR YOUR
>PUNISHMENT YOU'LL GO TO HELL!" God commanded.

Crow: [George Carlin] But he loves you... he loves you...

 

>Selenity gasped in horror as Relena and Lina smirked.
>
>God snapped his fingers. The cloud underneath Usagi gave in and she
>fell through the sky. The gostly figure of Sailor Mercury jumped from
>the cloud as she screamed,

Joel: [Sailor Mercury] Just when I thought I was out, they
PUUUUUULLLL me back in!

 

>"Usagi!" Sailor Mercury knew that the only way Relena wouldn't get her
>soul was to get someone, no Usagi to claim her. So she decided to jump
>as Relena ordered, "Get her!"

Tom: She's one twisty mustache away from Snidely Whiplash.

Crow: [Sailor Mercury] Hey, now suicide IS painless!
WHOOPIE!

 

>Usagi could hear the air whip across her ears. She embraced the pain
>that was going to come. Oh she felt pain all right. She hit the ground
>hard, which caused the dirt to fly up from the impact.

Tom: [Usagi] So much for this LSD trip...

 

>It didn't stop there once she hit the ground she bounced off the ground
>a few feet but then hit the ground again, but this time the ground crack,
>which caused Usagi to fall down into Hell.

Crow: 'Faces of Death' paid handsomely for the raw footage.

Joel: So THAT'S what that whole San Andreas fault is all about...

 

>The fires of Hell scorched her white dress. She expected to land in
>lava, but, because of her luck, she landed into somewhere soft.

Joel: [Sailor Mercury, muffled] Can you get off me now, please?

 

>The pain was immense she hurt everywhere.

Crow: [Usagi] Urrgg... I'd sell Mercury's soul for some Ben-Gay...

Tom: [Relena, distant] That can be arranged!

 

>"Whoa! It's raining chicks!" exclaimed a male voice.

Crow: [Chris Griffin] Welcome to Quahog! Can I touch your boobies?

 

>THAT'S ALL! A CLIFFHANGER I KNOW, SORRY BUT I WAS
>IN A HURRY. HEAVEN MIGHT NOT SEEM RIGHT BUT
>THAT'S HEAVEN TO ME.

Joel: Boring and cliched? Sounds about right.

 

>ANYWAY R/R!
>TENSHI CAT

Tom: (singing) Oh, cat angel, will you be miiiiine...

Crow: So, would Richard be spelled with an *I* or a *J* in early Latin?

Joel: Beats me, Indy. Anyway, time for a breather...

(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)

* * *

SATELLITE OF LOVE

 

The red light on the console flashed as Joel and the bots strolled onto
the bridge. "Oops, look alive, guys, Freebie and the Bean are calling..."
Joel warned as he gave the button a tap.

* * *

DEEP 13

"Friends and foes of evil... I welcome you... to the First Reorganized
Church of Richard!" Dr. Forrester proclaimed. He was clad in a monk's
robe that had been hastily dyed lime green and was currently standing in
front of a makeshift altar that threatened collapse at any moment.

Off to the side, Frank was seated in front of an old pipe organ with a
freshly lit candlebra on top. Upon hearing Dr. Forrester's words, he
immediately broke into a brief but frenzied rendition of 'Chopsticks'.

"Church of Richard?!?" Joel and the bots repeated, shocked.

"Ye-as..." Dr. Forrester replied in his best Brother Love impression.
"I have seen the light of hope... and his name is..." Dr. Forrester paused,
savoring the moment.

"RICHARD!!!" Dr. Forrester and Frank exclaimed triumphantly.

"And here I thought you only believed in your OWN power, Dr. F..."
Tom interrupted.

"Hey, any deity that endorses suffering, greed and polygamy is aces
in MY bible!" Dr. Forrester grinned.

"Yeah, praise the lord and pass the Viagra." Crow wisecracked.

"Bah! Your mockery of our new god will do you no good, robot
sinner!" Frank exclaimed as he rose to his feet and strutted over to the
vault door. "While you guys were busy with the experiment, I was out
personally prosely... proselyti... recruiting the first convert of our
congregation!"

"Already? Hey, good job, Frank!" Dr. Forrester nodded in
admiration.

"Thanks, Steve. Anyway, I found him begging for handouts at Arbys
and we had a little chat. One ex-employee discounted Arby-Q later, he
was all ours!" Frank said proudly.

"What about the purity and forthrightness of our message?" Dr.
Forrester inquired

"It came in second to a medium order of Curly Fries. So without
further ado... may I present the first sheep of our new flock...!" Frank
exclaimed.

Piano and clarinet music suddenly filled the air as Torgo, now dressed
in the white outfit of a choir boy, stumbled into the lab. Dr. Forrester
cradled his head in his hands while Joel and the bots struggled to contain
their laughter.

"Frank, the Church of Richard has no room for a freak like Torgo!
Besides, I'm NOT listening to that DAMN theme song all day!" Dr.
Forrester threatened.

"Aw, come on, Dr. F! His theme music only comes up whenever he
moves! We'll make him a fixture of the place! Literally!" Frank
explained.

Dr. Forrester looked over at the hopeful Torgo before sighing. "Well,
he DOES sort of give the place a creepy feel..." he admitted. "All right,
we'll give him a shot."

"Great! I'll get the cement!" Frank exclaimed happily as he rushed
off-screen while Dr. Forrester walked over next to Torgo and addressed
the viewscreen again.

"He may not be much to look at... or smell for that matter..." Dr.
Forrester recoiled for a moment before continuing. "But he is still
symbolic of all the Church of Richard will achieve!"

"I'd LiKe tO tHaNk yOU fOr tHiS oPPoRtUni..." Torgo interrupted.

"First rule, Torgo, don't talk when I'm talking! In fact, no talking
from you *PerIoD*, got it? Frank, what's holding up that cement?"
Dr. Forrester snapped.

"Coming!" Frank replied as he placed a cardboard box filled with
quick drying cement on the floor. "OK, Torgo, just step into the box
and..."

"cAn I sIgN mY NaMe fIRsT?" Torgo asked.

"Sure, knock yourself out!" Frank replied as Torgo struggled to
crouch down with his enormous knees while Dr. Forrester shook his
head before returning his attention to the viewscreen.

"As for you, naysayers, you've still got three more parts to go... and
the lord Richard sa-id... those who would cast doubt upon him, let there
be DEEP HURTING..." Dr. Forrester proclaimed with an icy smile as
the viewscreen blinked off.

"Is tHiS a BaD tImE tO mENtIOn I hAvE tO gO tO tHe
bAThRoOm...?

 

TO BE CONTINUED IN 'THE LIGHT OF MY HOPES' PT. 2...

 

Hiya! I hope you're enjoying this MSTing so far! As with my other
mutiple part MSTings, there's lots more fun and weirdness to come,
so don't skip it or you'll only be missing out on some great riffing and
skits. ;)