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You Have 487 New Messages (Or, In Which Sherlock Holmes Starts a Grouptext)

Chapter Text

1 June 2017

Group message: Sherlock Holmes, John Watson, Greg Lestrade, Mrs. Hudson, Molly Hooper, Mycroft Holmes

SH: Where is my skull

GL: Inside your head, hopefully?

JW: He's talking about the one keeps on the mantel

JW: Did this really require a group text?

MoH: Ooh, I love grouptexts!

MH: Please remove me from this thread.

MrsH: Who is texting me?  Who are all of you?

SH: Where is my skull

MrsH: Sherlock?  Is that you?

JW: Sherlock, why would anybody take your skull?

JW: Mrs. Hudson, it's a group text

JW: Don't worry about it, I'll come down and add everyone to your address book

SH: One day ago my skull was in its normal location.  Now it is gone.  You have all been to 221B in the previous 24 hours.  Conclusion: one of you has it.

MoH: It's not me.  I try to stay away from body parts when not at work.  Ha ha

MH: Please remove me from this thread.

GL: Why d'you think one of us has taken it?  

JW: Because he's mad

MrsH: I'll come help you look for it if you'd like

MrsH: I'm good at that.  Last week I found a pair of your pants under the sofa, remember?

SH: That was not necessary to share with the entire group, Mrs. Hudson.

GL: I disagree, mate

GL: Find anything else at Baker Street recently Mrs. H?

SH: Do not answer him.

JW: You've no one to blame but yourself, Sherlock

MrsH: I'm not their housekeeper!

MoH: Why were you pants under the sofa?

MoH: Nevermind, I'd actually rather not know

MH: Please remove me from this thread.

SH has changed name of grouptext to   Where Is My Skull

2 June 2017

SH: I am serious about one you needing to return my skull.

GL: I'm serious about finding out why you were taking your pants off in the living room

JW: Rosie was helping me fold laundry and she stashed a few bits and pieces around

SH: "Helping" is a generous word.

SH: My sock index will likely never recover.

MoH: Your WHAT?

JW: Oh my god don't get him started

JW: His drawers are the work of someone with moderate to severe OCD

JW: And yet I'm not sure he's ever cleaned a dish in his life

SH: That's rich coming from someone who didn't notice I was using the toilet brush to grow mould cultures for almost a year.

MrsH: And it's not like the two of you even OWN a hoover

MrsH: They've been borrowing mine for ten years!

MH: Please remove me from this thread.

SH: We are getting off topic.  The topic of this conversation is MY SKULL.

GL: What would any of us do with your skull?  Normal people don't have any use for skulls

GL: Unless someone's performing Hamlet?

MrsH: I'm coming upstairs now, I'm sure we'll find it in no time

MrsH: Do you want any tea?

MrsH: Just this once

SH: Yes, thank you.

JW: Me as well, if the kettle's on, ta

SH: Update for all interested parties - skull found in Rosie's toy chest.

GL: Lovely.  Really nailing that whole 'raising a normal kid' thing, well done both of you

JW: Thanks Greg, appreciate it

Chapter Text

16 June 2017

GL: Has anyone seen Sherlock?  He's not answering his phone

GL: I've got a case

GL has changed name of Where Is My Skull to Sherlock GPS System

MoH: Haven't seen him since yesterday when he stopped by to pick up a bunch of blood and told me my hair wasn't thinning as much as I thought it was

MoH: Almost none of those details were necessary, in retrospect

MrsH: I agree with him, Molly!  

MrsH: Your hair is still lovely, you've got quite a few years left before you go downhill

MrsH: I'm in Yorkshire for the weekend so no idea on Sherlock but I bet John would know!  

MH: Please remove me from this thread.

MH: Unless Sherlock is actually missing, at which point please contact me directly, and then remove me from this thread.

JW: He's at home, his mobile’s out of commission

GL: Out of commission?

JW: He's been on a YouTube kick and he discovered Will It Blend

GL: lololol



JW: Oh, he did

MrsH: What did he do?

MrsH: What's "Will It Blend"?

JW: Don't worry about it

JW: You'll have a new blender by the time you're back from Yorkshire

JW: I think he's going to st

JW: Lestrade, this had better be a 7 or above. SH

GL: They've found a body frozen straight through in Wembley

JW: Frozen?  It's June. SH

GL: It gets better

GL: They can't get it to defrost.

JW: Delightful.  Text John the address. SH

JW: I hope I'm not on any watch lists now that my mobile has texted the word "Delightful" about a murder

JW: It's John again by the way

JW: If that wasn't clear

MrsH: Sounds like a good one, boys, can't wait to read about it on the blog!

MH: I wouldn't worry about it, John.

MH: You're on every watch list already.

Chapter Text

28 June 2017

JW: Hello all, sorry to bring this thing back from the dead but you're all invited to Rosie's birthday this Saturday

JW: 2 pm at our place

JW: and please don't bring presents because Sherlock's already bought her enough nonsense to last her til her next birthday

SH: Thank you for referring to my educational gifts as "nonsense".

SH: Clearly you don't want a present for YOUR next birthday.

JW: You've NEVER gotten me a birthday present

JW: Do you even know when my birthday is???

GL: March, isn't it mate?

GL: Oh, that was for Sherlock

SH: I was about to say March but Lestrade beat me to it.

JW: A likely story

GL:  Can you two keep your domestics off the group text?

JW: Anyway please let me know if you're coming so we get enough food

JW: Also Sherlock is doing the decor if that's of any interest

MoH: Sherlock's decorating?  I've got to see this

MoH: Of course I would have come anyway!  Sherlock's not the draw!  Ha ha!

SH: That was meant to be a secret John.

GL has changed name of Sherlock GPS System to Baker Street Party Planners

JW: I think they would have guessed when they spotted that the cutouts are little magnifying glasses and skeletons

MrsH: I'll be there obviously!  

MrsH: But will not be doing the cleanup this year just a reminder.  Not your housekeeper!

GL: Wouldn't miss it John, as long as we can have the Chelsea game on in the background yeah?

MH: I will be in attendance.

SH: You were not invited Mycroft.

MH: I'm on this group text am I not?

MH: Though I would of course prefer to be removed.

JW: Of course you’re invited Mycroft, ignore him

MH: See you all Saturday.


1 July 2017

JW: Any chance anyone can pick up a cake on their way?

JW: There's been a bit of a mishap here

GL: Rosie get to it already?

JW: Sherlock actually.  [Photo - fridge.jpg -  1.7.2017 12:39 pm]

SH: It was only a small explosion.

MoH: I'll stop at Tesco

SH: Maybe Mycroft won't come if there's no cake?  

SH: Silver linings and all.

MH: Nice try, little brother.  I'm already on my way.

SH has removed MH from Baker Street Party Planners

SH has added MH to Baker Street Party Planners

JW: Apparently he decided it's a bigger punishment to keep you in than to kick you out

SH: Precisely.

Chapter Text

16 July 2017

MoH: Hello friends!  I'm off to Santorini next month for a girls weekend and trying to get fit before I go swimsuit shopping, haha  

MoH: All the blogs say that you do better with an accountability buddy so would anyone like to train with me?

MoH:  Nothing too strenuous, just lifting weights, perhaps a jog in the park, maybe an occasional dance class

MrsH: I'd love to dear, but you know all about my hip

MrsH: Send pictures from Greece!  I met a lovely boy there when I was your age

MrsH: Don't forget to pack your best intimates

JW: Well there's an image I won't soon get out of my head

JW: Good for you Molly, but I think I get enough exercise these days chasing my two year old and the occasional criminal

SH: I'll do it.

GL: I'm sorry, WHAT?


GL: Is that really you?

GL: Have you been kidnapped?  Should I start a search and rescue?

SH: I'm more used to bare knuckle boxing but I suppose dancing is not out of the question.

GL: This is the best day of my life

GL: Please send pictures

JW: I'll second that.

MH: Third, and I'll pay for them, Ms. Hooper

SH: Taking this to private text.

18 July 2017

MoH: Hello from Regent's Park!  We're off for a jog, cheer us on!

MoH: [Photo - SherlockRunning.jpg -  18.7.2017 17:45 pm]

GL: He's barely in that one Molly, you can do better

MoH: He keeps running away when I'm trying to take a photo

MoH: I didn't even know he owned trainers?

JW: He bought them yesterday

SH: I would have run in my YSL's but John said no.

GL has changed Baker Street Party Planners to #Fitspiration

SH: What is "fitspiration."

GL: I dunno, Molly keeps posting about it on Facebook

MoH: It’s meant to be motivating you know?

MoH: Things like "The first step of the personal fitness journey is accepting that you deserve a great body!"

GL: Oh god that's awful

GL has changed #Fitspiration to #AnythingButFitspiration

JW: Aren't you two supposed to be jogging instead of texting?

MoH: We've taken a break

MoH: Sherlock's getting a pastry actually

JW: I made him a sandwich for lunch and he didn't touch it but now he's getting a pastry?

MoH: [Photo - SherlockCroissant.jpg -  18.7.2017 18:22 pm]

SH: I'm expending energy whilst jogging and I require sustenance.

SH: I'll thank you all to stay out of my personal fitness journey.

Chapter Text

29 July 2017

SH: Rosie has something to share with all of you.

SH: [Video - RosieABCs.jpg -  29.7.2017 19:08]

MoH: Oh that's the cutest thing ever

MrsH: Well done Rosie!  

MrsH: Now that she’s mastered it, perhaps you can stop singing it yourself Sherlock?  I can hear you from down here!  

GL: Wild Saturday night over at Baker Street I see

SH: For some more than others.

SH: John's on a date.

MoH: Oooh is he?

JW: It's not a date

JW: Just an old friend from uni in town

GL: You shouldn't be texting when you’re on a date

SH: She's in the bathroom or he wouldn't be.

SH: Obviously.

JW: It’s not a date!

SH: She thinks it's a date.

JW: Well, I can't help that, can I

MrsH: You looked very smart in your jumper when you left!  I'm sure your date agrees!

MoH: Which jumper did he wear?

SH: The grey one with the stripes.  Gift from Harry, Christmas 2016.

MoH: Ooh that one is lovely, very form fitting too.

MoH: Though personally I'm always partial to a nice button down on dates

MoH: Not that I go on that many!  Haha!

GL: Why do you all keep track of John's clothes?!  Women are mad

GL: *women and Sherlock Holmes

JW: Hear hear

GL has changed the name of #AnythingButFitspiration to The Bachelor Viewing Party

JW: fuck off greg

30 July 2017

GL: So how was the date?  Spill, Watson

SH: He arrived home after 3.

SH: Deduce from that what you will.

GL: Cheers mate

MrsH: Oooh exciting! I'll be expecting all the details at tea today!

MoH: Yay John!

MH: The British Government extends its congratulations, Dr. Watson.

JW: I hate all of you

Chapter Text

8 August 2017

GL: So what ever happened to last week’s date, John?  Another date anytime soon???

JW: You do know you can just text me things like this directly

GL: Yeah, but then you’d have to have the same conversation with everybody

GL: Waste of time

GL: I’m looking out for you, really

JW: Lucky me

GL has changed The Bachelor Viewing Party to The Bachelor Recaps

MrsH: Ooh do tell!

MoH: Yes, we all want to hear!  

SH: Frankly I’m more interested in the liver waiting for me in the freezer.

GL: Well you don’t have to read along then

JW: There’s nothing to tell really

JW: It was nice to catch up with her

JW: And to get out a bit

SH: You get out all the time.  We went out today.

JW: We went to the morgue

JW: Bit different

JW: No offense Molly

MoH: Oh none taken!

MoH: So are you seeing her again?  

SH: Our trip to the morgue was very satisfactory.  I got my liver after all.

JW: She lives in Yorkshire  

JW: So I don’t think so

MrsH: Too bad dear

MrsH: Someone closer to home next time perhaps?

SH: It’s a particularly diseased one which is always quite useful.  

JW: Perhaps

GL: Ah well, better luck next time

SH: The liver’s owner clearly had a gambling problem.

MoH: How could you possibly know that from his liver?

GL: There’s a new social worker my department’s liaising with who you might like

GL: Want an introduction?

SH: [Photo - Liver 1 of 6.jpg -  8.8.2017 17:19]

MrsH: Oh Sherlock you’ve put me right off my tea with that

JW: Thanks for the offer, Greg, but I don’t have much time for dating anyway

JW: Sherlock please tell me you’re not going to send five more photos of that liver

SH: [Photo - Liver 2 of 6.jpg -  8.8.2017 17:22]

JW: Right, I’m going to go take away his phone

GL: Much appreciated mate

Chapter Text

11 August 2017


GL: What

MoH: Like actually??  

MoH: What can I do???

MrsH: Shall I come home from the spa?

GL: I can have an ambulance there in 5 mins

MH: I can have one there in 4.

GL: Sherlock please reply


SH: We're out of nappies.

GL: That's not an EMERGENCY you git

GL: I've sent an officer around for Christ’s sake

GL: Drama queen

MrsH: Oh you know how he is Detective Inspector.  

SH: I don’t understand in what sense this is NOT an emergency.

GL: In the sense of the TECHNICAL DEFINITION of emergency!

SH: John will be at the clinic for another four hours.  I cannot let Rosie run around without clothes for that long.

SH: Though to be fair she’s already spent several minutes in the nude and is no worse for the wear.

MoH: Shouldn't she be toilet training by now?

MoH: Not that I really know anything about babies!

MH: Sherlock didn't get out of nappies until he was three.

MH: At first I thought he was slow, but ultimately he was just being difficult.

MH: How little has changed.

MrsH: Children go at their own pace!  I can just picture Sherlock at three in nappies.  How sweet.  Back to my manicure now xx

SH: One of these days I will end you Mycroft.

SH: No one has addressed my emergency.

SH: Soon I shall have to make her a nappy out of one of John's ugliest jumpers and some safety pins.

SH: Actually that sounds perfect.

GL: Can't help you, some of us are at work dealing with REAL emergencies

GL: Arsehole

MoH: I'm at work too, can't you just run to the store?

SH: Rosie is refusing to put clothes on so I believe taking her to Tesco in this state would be frowned upon.

MH: A courier will arrive in less than twenty minutes.

MH: You’re welcome.

JW: Jesus Christ Sherlock

JW: I came back to my mobile to 34 messages and you yelling about an emergency

JW: Nearly had a heart attack

JW: I swear to god

JW: We'll be talking about texting etiquette tonight

GL has changed The Bachelor Recaps to Mycroft Holmes Nappy Delivery Service

Chapter Text

19 August 2017

GL: Anyone want to grab dinner or a drink tonight?

GL: I was going to stay in but I've just solved a case and feel like celebrating

SH: You solved one without me?  Well done, you.

GL: I solve most of my cases without you actually

GL: Git

GL: You're not invited now, how's that

SH: I didn't want to go anyway.

JW: Sounds good Greg, where and when?

SH: Oh so I'm meant to stay in and watch Rosie then?

JW: You just said you didn't want to go!

SH: Perhaps I have other plans.

SH: Molly, would you like to see a film tonight?

GL: Hang on, you can't go and make other plans just so John and I can't go out

MoH: Errrrr

MoH: I WAS hoping to see the new Tom Cruise one actually

SH: Lovely, pick me up at 7

MoH: Oh I'm picking you up?  All right

MoH: Not that I thought it was a date or anything!

JW: Sherlock, you hate Tom Cruise

SH: No I don't.  

SH: You don't know who I hate.

JW: You've deleted everything he's ever been in

GL: So now John's staying in and Sherlock and Molly are going to the cinema

GL: Have we all forgotten that I was the one who wanted to go out in the first place?!

MrsH: Oh for heavens sake you all know I'll be happy to mind the baby

MrsH: We go to bed at the same time anyway

JW: Mrs. Hudson that's very kind but not necessary

GL: Don't listen to John, that's very kind AND very necessary, ta

MrsH: Don't mention it boys!

SH: John's right, I do hate Tom Cruise, I've just looked him up.

SH: He reminds me of a serial killer I captured in 2005.

SH: That's not why I hate him, though.  Just an interesting additional fact.  

MoH: Oh all right then

SH: Why don't you come over and we'll have a Bond marathon.

JW: Oh you'll enjoy that Molly.  He's got very strong feelings about Q branch

MoH: Sounds good!

SH: You as well Mrs. Hudson.

MrsH: Wouldn't miss it dear.

SH: Q Branch is absurd!  They would never make anything that specific and anyway they contract that sort of thing out to the Americans for the most part.

SH: Isn't that right Mycroft?

MH: No comment.

GL: Honestly that sounds like more fun than my local

JW: I was hoping you'd say that

GL: Damn

GL: See you all soon

Chapter Text

9 September 2017

GL: John, has Sherlock got anything on?

GL: I’ve texted him but he just sent me a random string of letters followed by an emoji of a satellite dish

GL: I didn’t even know there WAS a satellite dish emoji

JW: He’s given his mobile to Rosie

JW: He’s not got anything at the moment but he says he’s doing an experiment

JW: I’m fairly certain it’s an experiment to see how best to drive me round the twist by being the most annoying person on the planet

SH: I am in this grouptext you realize John.

JW: Yeah I hadn’t forgotten

GL: Sherlock, I’ve got a case

GL: Murder at LSE

GL: Quite a bloody one too

SH: Probably a professor killed by an angry student.

SH: Boring.

GL: Hang on, I haven’t even said anything about it yet

GL: Although it was a professor

GL: But term hasn’t started yet, there aren’t any students around

SH: Obviously.

GL: Just come round for a bit

GL: We’re still looking for the murder weapon

JW: Yeah he’s given his mobile back to Rosie, sorry

GL: Show him this for me, will you?

GL: [Photo - Crime Scene 1.jpg -  9.9.2017 16:01]

MrsH: Well isn’t that terrible

MrsH: It looks very interesting, Sherlock, you ought to take a look!

MoH: Wow, and here I’ve only been dealing with heart disease and lung cancer all week!  lol

MoH: Sorry, “lol” wasn’t quite right for the situation

MoH: Medical examiner humour, you know, haha

MoH: I oughtn’t say “haha” either

MoH: I’m just shutting up now

SH: Hm.  Send another.

GL: [Photo - Crime Scene 2.jpg -  9.9.2017 16:03]

SH: No students around, you said?  But other professors surely.

GL: Yeah, a few.  He was found by someone else from his department

GL: Looks like he was quite accomplished.  Lots of awards and things on the desk

JW: Maybe professional jealousy?

SH: Send a photo.

GL: Of the crime scene?

GL: Just come down here, will you?

SH: No, of the professor who found him.  I’ve learned everything I can from your poorly lit crime scene photos, obviously.

JW: Obviously, he says

GL: Dunno what good it’ll do, but here you go

GL: [Photo - Crime Scene 3.jpg -  9.9.2017 16:08]

SH: As expected.

SH: Arrest the dead man’s wife.


GL: Hang on

GL: I never even said he was married

SH: You didn’t have to, he’s got a photo of his family facing outward on his desk.  Even with the blood splatter you should be able to tell what a family looks like, Lestrade.

GL: Well all right then.  He’s married, fine.  Doesn’t mean his wife killed him

SH:  [1 of 4] It’s clear from the suitcase in the corner that he’s just returned from a business trip, probably a conference, likely with other members of his department.  His wife came to meet him at school, bit of a surprise, she’s missed him etc, but he hasn’t had time to change, and she realizes he’s been

SH: [2 of 4] cheating on her on his trip.  Probably the scent of perfume, possibly just the look on his face, doesn’t matter anyway, she had all the confirmation she needed.  She became infuriated, he tried to calm her, hence the disruption of the chair he had been sitting at when she walked in, and she picked up the nearest item, which happened to be

SH: [3 of 4]  that hideous marble obelisk, and smashed him over the head with it.  It’s the only thing not covered in blood on his desk because she tried to wipe it down so it wouldn’t have her prints on it, nevermind that now it stands out, murderers are often very stupid.  The professor who found him is the other woman, clearly.  Young, pretty, makeup wrecked from crying.  They arrived back from the airport together

SH: [4 of 4] just this afternoon to get in a bit of actual work after having a lovely affair at their dull conference and now he’s dead.  Honestly Lestrade, she looks a mess, didn’t you realize she was overly upset over a mere COLLEAGUE?  

JW: Sherlock

JW: You’re incredible

JW: I mean that’s incredible

SH: Anyone could have solved it if only they’d LOOKED.

SH: Even Lestrade.

MH: Quite so.

GL: I’ve sent a team to his house

GL: I hope you’re right about this, Sherlock

SH: I am.

SH: Obviously.

10 September 2017

GL: He was right, for the record

GL: She confessed as soon as we brought her in

MrsH: Well done Sherlock!

SH: Dull.

MrsH: John, perhaps for the blog you ought to just copy and paste this entire conversation?

JW: I don’t think we need to tell the world we’ve got a grouptext we send crime scene photos around, Mrs. H

JW: Not a terrible idea, though

JW: Perhaps with a bit of editing

GL has changed Mycroft Holmes Nappy Delivery Service to The Adventure of the Solitary Obelisk

GL: I figure if it’s going to make the blog it ought to have a title

MH: No offense intended, Detective Inspector, but why don’t we let John handle the titles, hm?

GL: Ouch

Chapter Text

22 September 2017

JW: [Photo - Sherlock Tricycle.jpg -  22.9.2017 11:51]

JW: Guess who’s finally got around to putting together one of Rosie’s birthday gifts

JW: For a genius he’s quite bad at assembling children’s toys

SH: That’s because the instructions don’t make any sense.

SH: They’re written for morons.

SH: Is this the level at which your simple little minds work?  Do you really need to be told to turn a screw to the right?  It’s intolerable.

GL: You’re the one who can’t figure it out mate

GL changed The Adventure of the Solitary Obelisk to Children’s Toy Assembly Help Forum

MrsH: So that’s where my tool kit ran off to!

MrsH: I was wondering why you’d stolen it

SH: Not stolen.

SH: Borrowed.

MoH: Borrowed like my centrifuge?

MoH: Which disappeared while I was fetching you that dreadful liver

MoH: And which you’ve still not returned, just as a reminder!

MrsH: You want him to return the liver?

MoH: Oh, no

MoH: The centrifuge

MoH: The liver’s rather past its sell by date at this point I think, haha!

SH: This instruction booklet is 1 of 2!  How could any children’s product possibly require two booklets worth of assembly?

GL: The great Sherlock Holmes, finally defeated by a toddler’s toy

SH: Shut up Lestrade.

26 September 2017

SH: [Photo - Princess John.jpg -  26.9.2017 20:07]

MrsH: Looking very beautiful, John!

MrsH: The crown is a bit small for you, though

JW: Oh very funny Sherlock

JW: Is this revenge for the trike photo

GL: No shame playing dress up with your kid

GL: Donovan agrees

GL: At least I’m assuming she does, she’s laughing too hard at the moment to speak

JW: He’s happy to send the photo, but completely fails to mention that he DEMANDED that he be a pirate

JW: Which is why I ended up with the crown and the wand and the tutu and all of it

GL: A likely story

1 October 2017

JW: [Photo - Sherlock and Rosie.jpg - 1.10.2017 11:51]

MrsH: Oh how sweet!  

MoH: I didn’t know you had a little backpack to put her in!  Is that thing comfortable, Sherlock?

GL: Wait, is he doing an EXPERIMENT wearing her on his back?

JW: No hazardous materials, I checked

JW: She’s fallen asleep to the sound of the centrifuge I think

GL: She’s going to grow up to be a really weird kid, John

JW: I’m afraid that was a given

GL has changed Children’s Toy Assembly Help Forum to Holmes-Watson Photo Album

SH: She’s drooling on my suit jacket.

SH: Not ideal.

SH: But better than crying which was what happened when I tried to put her to bed.

MH: Thank you for sharing, John.  I’ve forwarded this to Mummy.

SH: Oh god.

3 October 2017

SH: [Photo - Twins.jpg -  3.10.2017 09:33]

MoH: Oh my goodness, did they dress alike on purpose?

SH: No.

SH: Rosie selected her own outfit when she woke up this morning.

SH: John just happened to pick the same one when he awoke several hours later.

SH: Improbable, but clearly not impossible.

MrsH: I’ve always liked you in purple, John

SH: I had truly hoped she had not inherited his fashion sense.  Disappointing.  I suppose it may be trained out of her.

JW: Oi what’s wrong with my fashion sense?

GL: Don’t listen to what the posh boy says

GL: I think the fact that you and your 2 year old are wearing the same outfit is brilliant

JW: Thanks Greg

MH: Mummy quite likes this one too.

6 October 2017

JW: [Photo - Sherlock and Rosie Sleeping.jpg -  6.10.2017 15:19]

MoH: Oh now that is too much!!!!

MoH: I’m saving that one

MrsH: John, you’ve let them fall asleep on the floor!

JW: I couldn’t stop them if I tried  

JW: They were having some kind of argument about building the perfect blanket fort, it tired them out I suppose

JW: Anyway they’ll survive a kip on the carpet

MrsH: Well you’re the doctor!

MrsH: Though when the last time either of you hoovered is beyond me

GL: He sleeps lying down?

GL: I thought he did it hanging from the ceiling like a bat


MH: Mummy says, “Precious.”

MH: I don’t have an opinion either way but thought you might like to know.

JW: Oh he’s woken up

JW: He’s checking his messages

JW: Scowling a bit now

JW: Oh dear

JW: I think he’s a bit embarrassed actually

JW: Right, let’s not send this one any further than the group, yeah?

JW: And your mum I suppose Mycroft

GL: Er

GL: Too late

JW: Ah well, serves him right for the one with the crown

Chapter Text

14 October 2017

GL: Anyone free for a pint?  We’ve just wrapped up a double homicide so John and I were thinking about The Albert

JW: Even Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective is coming if you can believe it

JW: What the hell

SH: Thank you, John.  That’s very kind of you to say.

JW: Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective

MrsH: We all know you feel that way dear but do you really think you need to keep saying it?  Think of his ego

JW: I’m not typing that

JW: It’s happening whenever I type Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective

MoH: Maybe you ought to stop typing that then?

JW: It’s changing itself!!!

JW: This is your fault isn’t it Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective

GL: hahahahaha

GL: Nice one Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective


MoH: Wait, did Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective change your autocorrect???

MoH: Oh dear, mine too

MrsH: Oh Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective

GL: How do we change it back

GL: This isn’t funny Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective

SH: I disagree.

JW: Okay first of all, stop typing his name

JW: It’s not helping

MoH: I’ve not even seen you in a week, did you do it remotely?

MoH: I’d love to come to drinks by the way, I’ll head that way now, and maybe someone can help me change it back?

JW: Yeah I think I’ve got it

JW: Let’s see

JW: Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective is a huge prick

JW: Damn

MH: I’m so glad to have my mobile buzzing with all of this nonsense.

MH: It’s not like I’m in the middle of an important meeting with any heads of state.

SH: Go complain to someone who cares, Mycroft.

MH: If you care so little, why don’t you remove me from this thread, Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective?

GL: oh my god

GL: you as well?

GL has changed Holmes-Watson Photo Album to Sherlock Is the world’s greatest detective and also a complete tosser HA!

MH: This is unacceptable.

GL: I’m not angry anymore

GL: Totally worth it

Chapter Text

27 October 2017

MrsH: [Photo - Puzzle.jpg -  27.10.2017 21:01]

MrsH: I know it’s past her bedtime but she just finished her puzzle and she’s so proud!

MrsH: I asked her if she wanted to try out the one with the lovely animals on it but she preferred the skeleton

MrsH: Anyway I just thought you’d like to see, how’s the case going boys?

JW: We’re a bit busy staking out a couple of locations at the moment

JW: But thank you for the photo, well done Rosie

SH: Of course she prefers the skeleton.

SH: The other one is highly unrealistic.

SH: The forest animals are SMILING.

GL: What’s wrong with smiling forest animals?

GL: I think I got her that one actually

SH: Figures.

SH: Are you both still in place?

JW: Yes, of course, though I don’t know why

JW: Since you’re convinced it’s the brother

SH: Nearly convinced.  The evidence was inconclusive, there’s a .5% chance it’s the cousin.

JW: Yes, and I’m hidden in a damp maintenance cupboard for a .5% chance

JW: Lovely

SH: Improbable does not mean impossible.

GL: Well my team is in place

GL: I hope you’re right about this, Sherlock

SH: I always am.

JW: And so modest, too

MrsH: Should you three really be texting so much if you’re on a stakeout?

MrsH: Won’t someone notice?

JW: I’m in a cupboard waiting for someone who only has a .5% chance of being a murderer

JW: I’m not too fussed

JW: Shouldn’t the brother have been there by now Sherlock?

SH: Possibly.

MoH: Hello everyone

MoH: Er, so I’ve got something that might be relevant

MoH: The brother is here

JW: What, at Barts?

JW: Why in the hell would he be at Barts

MoH: He’s dead

SH: Oh.

SH: Interesting.

JW: shit

JW: he’s here

JW: the cousin’s here

GL: Hang on

GL: Sherlock, were you WRONG?

SH: I said it was IMPROBABLE.  How many times must I explain statistics to you?

GL: John, I’m sending backup your way

JW: he hasn’t seen me

JW: yeah he’s definitely armed

MoH: That would make sense considering the body I’ve got here here was shot several times

JW: he’s leaving again, I’m going to tail him

SH: Be careful.  He’s killed three people.  He’s clearly desperate.  

JW: right, which is why we’ve got to stop him now

JW: im on him

JW: Lestrade how far are your men?

GL: Five minutes

JW: hes seen me

SH: John?

SH: John, reply immediately.

MrsH: Oh dear

SH: John.


MH: Sherlock, answer your phone.

MH: I’m attempting to locate him.

GL: Three minutes

MoH: Oh my goodness

MrsH: I’m sure he’s just fine, you boys always get yourselves out of these scrapes

MrsH: Nothing to worry about!

MrsH: Right boys?

MoH: Any updates????

MrsH: Boys, this isn’t funny!

JW: Hello all, sorry for going dark

JW: I’ve got him, the police are here, it’s all fine

MoH: Oh thank god!

MoH: You had me a bit nervous there haha

MrsH: Well done boys, I wasn’t worried for a moment!

MH: Congratulations, Dr. Watson.

MH: In the future, might I request that you not drop out of contact for such an extended length of time?

MH: My brother very nearly started an international incident out of concern for you.

SH: Shut up Mycroft.

Chapter Text

7 November 2017

MoH: So here’s something fun

MoH: I was on OkCupid last night

MoH: With some girlfriends, just for a lark

MoH: Haha

SH: We all know you use dating applications, Molly.

SH: No need to pretend otherwise.

MoH: Oh

MoH: Well anyway

MoH: I was on OkCupid, and guess whose profile I ran into!!!

MoH: [Screenshot 7.11.2017 01:13]

GL: Oi!!!!!

GL: Molly that’s not on

JW: Oh my god, Greg, how old is that photo??

JW: You’re very, er

JW: Tan

GL: It’s from my holiday in Malaga

SH: That was in 2008.

GL: It’s still a good photo!

SH: “Enjoys travel, Italian food, the theatre, and being outdoors.”

SH: Is this true?

SH: All I’ve ever known you to enjoy is being a fair to middling detective and watching football at pubs.

SH: I suppose going on cases occasionally counts as “being outdoors” if the body is found in a park?

GL: Fuck off Sherlock

GL: You’ve no idea what I like to do in my free time

GL: You didn’t even know my given name until recently

SH: I know everything about you, GREG.

SH: Including that the last time you traveled was to Brussels for a police conference.

SH: And you definitely didn’t “enjoy” it because you got pickpocketed.

JW: I’m not an expert but I think those types of interests are fairly common for profiles like these, right?

JW: I think we perhaps ought to discuss the photo a bit more

MoH: I agree, John.  That’s why I sent it.

MoH: Don’t you think you might want something a bit more, you know, recent?

MrsH: Well nobody has asked me but I think a very dashing photo Detective Inspector, I’m all for it!

GL: Thank you Mrs. Hudson

GL: How about we not discuss any of this at all?

GL: Thank you again Molly for bringing it up in the first place

GL: Really lovely of you

GL: Glad to know I can count you among my friends

GL has changed Sherlock Is the world’s greatest detective and also a complete tosser HA! to Anything But Lestrade’s Love Life Ta Very Much

MoH: I’m only trying to help!  

MoH: It really is a nice photo but would be much improved if it had been taken in the past, you know, decade

JW: She’s not wrong mate

JW: What about the one from my blog last year?

JW: I’ll email it to you

SH: Isn’t the whole point of dating profiles to lie?

SH: After all, Molly, yours says that you like cats AND dogs, which we all know to be false.

MoH: What do you mean?

SH: You prefer cats.

MoH: That doesn’t make it a lie to say I like dogs!

MoH: And, no, the whole point is not to lie!  I don’t lie on mine

JW: Why have you been looking at Molly’s dating profile

SH: Research.

JW: Just sent you the photo Greg

JW: You’ll have to crop Sherlock out of it of course

JW: Can’t imagine you want him swanning about on your profile

GL: Dunno, the whole “I know Sherlock Holmes” thing has worked for me in the past

SH: If you want to attract more matches on OkCupid, Lestrade, you ought to lower your age.

SH: The number of matches decreases exponentially with each year above 40.

GL: Hang on, weren’t you just saying we shouldn’t lie??

SH: Nothing I said implied a moral judgment on the topic of lying.

SH: Lying is just another form of disguise.

GL: Hmm

GL: How low ought I go you think?

JW: Don’t listen to him Greg

JW: The right person won’t mind your age

JW: Or anything else for that matter

SH: How very romantic of you, John.

JW: You know Sherlock, when you say “romantic” it sounds like you’re saying “stupid”

SH: Does it?  

SH: Imagine that.

GL: Anyway John, what makes you an expert at dating sites?  

GL: You’re signed up, are you?

JW: No, bit busy dealing with two toddlers at home

MrsH: Two???

MrsH: Oh you mean Sherlock of course!  Ha ha!

SH: Hilarious as always, John.

GL: D’you think I could get away with saying I’m 43?

MoH: Ummmmm

MoH: Perhaps?

MrsH: She means no, dear.

MrsH: But the silver fox look is very fashionable right now!

SH: Lestrade, it’s more likely that you’ll struck by lightning in the middle of Trafalgar Square than that anyone will believe you’re 43.

GL: All right, all right, I get it

GL: No need to pile on

SH: You could successfully convince women you’re 55, perhaps.

GL: I’m only 51 you bastard!

Chapter Text

13 November 2017

MrsH: Well Sherlock I have to say I’m a bit disappointed I didn’t hear it from you first

MrsH: <link></link>

MrsH: She’s a bit old for you, don’t you think?  

MoH: LOL!!!

GL: Oh that’s brilliant

JW: Hahaha

JW: Best one in a while

JW: Good find Mrs. Hudson

MrsH: I’ve got a google alert for him!  It’s such fun!

SH: I regret showing you how to set that up.

GL: “Though Holmes and Thompson have kept coy about their relationship, a close associate of Holmes says he is ‘smitten’ with her.  ‘He can’t stop talking about her,’ the associate reports.  ‘Anytime he’s not on a case, it’s all Emma this and Emma that.’”


GL: Can you even imagine Sherlock smitten with anything other than a locked room with a corpse in it?

GL has changed Anything But Lestrade’s Love Life Ta Very Much to Holmes-Thompson Wedding Planning Committee

SH: Drivel.

GL: Yeah, but HILARIOUS drivel

MrsH: Honestly I wish it were true, she seems like such a dear!

MrsH: Perhaps you could at least give it one date, Sherlock?

MoH: I thought you were still hung up on Princess Beatrice??

JW: No, that was ages ago

JW: It was Khloe Kardashian last month I thought

MoH: Oh, right!

SH: Glad you’re all enjoying yourselves.

SH: Haven’t any of you got anything better to do than read the Mirror?  

SH: Don’t most of you have jobs?

GL: Oh my god and the photos!

GL: Where’d they even find a photo of you smiling?!

GL: “Meanwhile, Holmes’ associate noted that the man’s longtime companion, John Watson, is preparing to move out of the home they share in Baker Street. Despite longstanding rumors that Watson and Holmes share more than just a flat, ‘John’s very happy for them,’ says the associate, who asked to remain anonymous to preserve their friendship with Holmes.”

MoH: Oh my goodness! Tossing John and Rosie out for Emma Thompson after just three weeks!

MoH: Must be serious

SH: Absurd.

SH: John is much more likely to request that I vacate 221B than the other way round.

JW: Hang on, what?

JW: Why would I kick you out?

SH: There are several possible reasons.

SH: Would you like a list in order of likelihood?

JW: No, I wouldn’t

JW: That’s ridiculous

JW: You’re ridiculous

JW: Don’t say things like that, I’m not going anywhere and neither are you

JW: Unless you really WOULD like Emma Thompson to move in

JW: In which case I’m sure we can work something out

SH: I don’t even know who Emma Thompson IS.

SH: Is she a politician?

MoH: Oh, Sherlock

GL: And also, who are these anonymous associates of yours?

GL: Have you got other friends???

GL: Since presumably no one here is leaking information about your love life…

MH: I wouldn’t be so sure of that, Detective Inspector.

GL: ???

GL: YOU?!?

MH: The more that is handed to them, ludicrous though it may be, the less they dig.

GL: Hang on

GL: Are you saying that you feed the tabloids lies about Sherlock so they don’t bother looking for anything that’s true?

MH: It does keep things interesting, doesn’t it.

MoH: Do you make it all up then?  All the stuff about Khloe Kardashian and them getting a dog together and taking it on a Mediterranean cruise and everything?

MH: I have people who handle the finer details.

MH: Though the part where he heartbrokenly dove off the ship after she ended things was a personal touch.

MrsH: Ooh I have some ideas next time you need a good one, if you’re taking submissions!

MH: I believe we’re not, at the moment.

MH: But if that changes, Anthea will contact you.

Chapter Text

2 December 2017

JW: Well

JW: I just heard from Rosie’s nursery teacher that she brought in her stuffed turtle to school and then had all the other children running about trying to solve its murder

JW: So that’s me locking down the “Worst Father in England” award

GL: lol

GL: Good work Sherlock

GL: Most little kids want to be astronauts or firefighters or ballet dancers you know

MrsH: Oh John that’s adorable!

MrsH: A bit dreadful too of course

SH: I don’t see the problem.

SH: She’s SOLVING a murder, not committing one.

MoH: Well you would say that!

MoH: Considering she’s following in your footsteps!  

MoH: Haha

GL: She’s too young to consult for us though

GL: Check back in 25 years

MH: Try not to worry too much, John.

MH: I have already set aside funds for the therapy Rosamund will inevitably require as a result of growing up with my brother for a godfather.

JW: Hang on a mo

JW: Before we all lay this at Sherlock’s feet

JW: Remind me which of us HASN’T made a living off murder??

JW: Molly and Greg, you’re in his same line of work, as it were

JW: I was a soldier

JW: Mrs. Hudson, no offense, but we all know how you paid for 221

JW: And Mycroft, let’s not even go there, hmm?

JW: So

JW: I think we’re all of us to blame for this

GL: Honestly he makes a fair point

GL: We’re probably the absolute worst group of people to influence a baby

GL: It’s actually almost impressive that you managed to cobble together such a group of nutters to help raise your kid

GL has changed Holmes-Thompson Wedding Planning Committee to Six Psychopaths and a Baby

MoH: Should I stop bringing over the Anatomy for Toddlers books??

MoH: I could find something about princesses or puppies or something????

JW: No, of course not

JW: It’s not hurting her

JW: Even if we do spent quite a lot more time talking about corpses than is probably recommended by the BMA, all of you are a net positive in Rosie’s life

SH: Except Mycroft.

JW: No, even Mycroft

SH: Debatable.

Chapter Text

14 December 2017

SH has removed JW from Six Psychopaths and a Baby

SH: I’ve got something extremely important to discuss.

GL: Something that you had to kick John out for?

GL: That’s not on

SH: DON’T add him back.

SH: We’ve probably only a few moments before he notices.

MrsH: Sherlock, this is very rude of you.

MrsH: If you have something to say you can say it in front of John.

MrsH: How do I add him back in?  

MrsH: Why must Siri shout at me when I ask her for things?

SH: All of you shut up and listen to me!

SH: All right.

SH: Thank you.

SH: Now then.

SH: What sort of gifts does John like?

GL: ...pardon?

SH: Christmas is coming up and I need ideas.

GL: Hang on

GL: You’re getting him a Christmas present?

GL: This is unprecedented


SH: Oh very funny.


SH: I’ve given him gifts before.

GL: Name one.

SH: I came back from being dead.

GL: Oh you self-absorbed bastard

MoH: But surely YOU know what John would like for Christmas better than we do???

MoH: You’re his best friend after all, can’t you just deduce it?

MH: Sherlock is not exactly experienced in the gift-giving department.

SH: Mycroft, your input is neither requested nor appreciated.

MH: If you’d like, I can pass along his internet search history.

GL: Yeah because that’s not creepy

GL: Why don’t you get him a bottle of whisky?  Always a safe bet and I don’t know a man in the world who needs a drink more than Sherlock Holmes’ flatmate

MrsH: How about a nice jumper?

MrsH: You’re always making fun of his jumpers

SH: I’m not going to buy him ANOTHER jumper.  

SH: How is that a solution to his ongoing jumper problem?

SH: Next idea.

SH: Molly, go.

MoH: Oh

MoH: Honestly I’m pants at gifts for men

MoH: Never had much success there

MoH: I quite like to receive books I suppose

MoH: Not that we’re brainstorming gifts for me!  

MoH: I meant for John

GL: I still don’t know why you’re getting him gifts all of a sudden

GL: Seems out of character and mildly suspicious if you ask me

SH: John mentioned that he likes the look of gifts under the tree.

SH: For Rosie’s sake.

SH: So I’m attempting to contribute.

SH: You’ve all been enormously unhelpful.

GL: All I want for Christmas is for you to do all the paperwork you create for me

GL: If you’re curious

SH: I wasn’t.

GL: Heads up, John’s texting me asking what’s happened to the grouptext

GL: Can I add him back?

GL: I’ll tell him it must’ve been a glitch

GL has added JW to Six Psychopaths and a Baby

JW: What happened there?

GL: Dunno!  

GL: Technology, right?

MoH: I didn’t even notice you were gone, it’s not like we talked about anything!

MrsH: It was probably my fault, John.  Whoopsies!

MrsH: You know how bad I am with Siri!  

Chapter Text

20 December 2017

JW: All right everyone

JW: Christmas

JW: What are schedules looking like

JW: Who’s free for Christmas Eve at Baker Street?

MrsH: You know I’ll be there boys!

GL: Works for me

MoH: I’d love to drop by!

MoH: I think I’ll be baking biscuits that morning, so I’ll bring some over!

JW: Mycroft what about you?

JW: Your mum is asking too by the way

JW: Why I have to be the one to coordinate Christmas for the Holmeses is beyond me

MH: I will have Anthea contact you with my schedule.

SH: Don’t pretend you have other invitations Mycroft.

MH: Brother dear, if only you knew.

MH: Tell Mummy I can make Christmas dinner at 2.

JW: Tell her yourself, she’s your mum

JW: Nevermind, she’s just rung me back anyway

SH: I can only make Christmas dinner if it starts at 3 and not a moment earlier.

SH: Looks like our schedules are incompatible.

SH: Pity.

JW: One of these days I’m going to kill both of you, you realize

GL: Glad to see you’re all getting into the Christmas spirit!!

GL: Fa la la and all

SH: Christmas is a manufactured holiday meant to sell children’s toys and ugly jumpers.

GL has changed Six Psychopaths and a Baby to A Christmas Carol Starring Ebenezer Holmes

SH: I expect there’s some reference I’m meant to understand and be offended by?

GL: Got it in one

GL: Anyway I thought you were going to not be a prat about Christmas this year

GL: You’ve even bought John a present!

JW: No he hasn’t

JW: He doesn’t do presents

GL: Oh, right

GL: I got him confused with someone else

JW: You got Sherlock Holmes confused with someone else?

JW: All right then

GL: haha

Chapter Text

31 December 2017

JW: If anyone’s free tonight, feel free to swing by our place

JW: I’ve made too much punch

JW: We might make it to midnight but no promises what with the baby and all

SH: And the fact that John is essentially elderly.

JW: Yes, and that

MoH: Actually I’d love to pop by, my friends are doing a party across town but I need to be fashionably late!

MoH: Be over soon!

GL: I’m sending the squad home at 9

GL: Save me some punch yeah?

GL: Probably just one, I’m back to work in the morning

1 January 2018

GL: John buggering fuck Watson

GL: What did you put in that punch

JW: Rum

JW: Too much rum

JW: All the rum in the whole world, possibly

GL: Yeah that part I can tell

GL: Jesus

GL: If I die tell them at least I beat Sherlock Holmes at charades on the last night of my life

SH: You did not beat me.

SH: You cheated.

SH: Stop texting me, the texting noise is hurting my entire brain.

MoH: It’s not cheating just because you’ve never heard of Ghostbusters!

GL has changed   A Christmas Carol Starring Ebenezer Holmes to   Sherlock Holmes Is Pants At Charades

MoH: And I told you all to drink more water before you went to bed!

MoH: I feel fine this morning!

MoH: Anybody want to get brunch?

GL: I was nearly sick just reading the word brunch

GL: Please don’t talk about brunch again

SH: I need tea.

SH: Mrs. Hudson, bring tea.

JW: She’s still asleep on our sofa

JW: The kettle’s on

JW: I’m attempting to teach Rosie the quiet game

MoH: Oh, the one where the first person to make a noise loses?

JW: Yes

JW: She’s terrible at it

MH: Up late celebrating, were we?

SH: Very astute Mycroft.

SH: How could you possibly have deduced?

SH: Now either bring me some chips or be silent.


JW: [Photo - MycroftDelivery.jpg - 1.1.2018 13:19]

JW: You sent too much, Mycroft

JW: How many people do you think live here?

JW: If anybody would like some fish and chips we’re basically drowning in it

JW: It’s definitely helping the hangover though

MH: Happy New Year to all.

SH: Yes, you too brother.

SH: Now piss off.

Chapter Text

13 January 2018

JW: All right

JW: Which of you gave my daughter the toy that plays the song from that movie

JW: I know it was one of you and I intend to find out who it was and then kill them

GL: Wasn’t me

GL: And by the way

GL: This text would count as premeditation if you ever happened to kill one of us

GL: I’d generally advise that you not send texts about crimes you’re planning

GL: Especially to an officer of the law

GL: Also don’t kill anyone I suppose

GL has changed Sherlock Holmes Is Pants At Charades to Just A Normal Grouptext and Not A Place Where People Talk About Murdering Other People At All, Ever

MrsH: You know I never get her any of those electric ones

MrsH: The best toys are the simplest!  

MrsH: Also I’m terrible at keeping batteries around for those things

MoH: Which one?

MoH: That cute little bear that sings??

MoH: I didn’t buy it but it’s adorable!

JW: It’s not adorable

JW: It’s out to get me

JW: I tried to take it away and she cried for an hour

JW: I’ve been hearing it in my DREAMS

SH: John’s gone a bit mad if you haven’t noticed.

JW: Yes well not all of us can retreat to our mind palaces when the little demon starts its song for the tenth bloody time in an hour

SH: I didn’t buy it, as you know, but I wish I had.

SH: It would have made a fascinating experiment.

SH: How long until the average father of a toddler cracks following receipt of an obnoxious and loud Christmas present?

GL: You’re sure it was one of us?

JW: Yup

JW: You’re the only ones who brought her presents

JW: Besides Harry, who gave her clothes that are about four sizes too large, and Mike Stamford, who sent a book about bees that has found its way into Sherlock’s room

SH: It’s a very educational book.

SH: And written at a very high level despite being for children.

JW: Anyway I know it was one of you that brought this thing into my home

JW: Confess and perhaps we can still be friends

JW: After a period of groveling

JW: It’s playing again right now

JW: You’re better off coming clean, whoever you are

JW: I’ve spent a lot of time around crime scenes

JW: I’d be good at hiding your body and the Met’s star consulting detective would never turn me in because without me he’d have to start making his own tea

SH: He has a point.

GL: Yeah, again, threats aren’t something we want to get in writing

GL: No need to remind all the government agencies listening in how easy it would be for Sherlock to cover up a crime if he were ever so inclined

GL: Speaking of government agencies listening in…

GL: You know who’s been pretty quiet today?

GL: No denials at all?

GL: Mycroft


JW: Did you give Rosie the abomination

JW: Answer me Mycroft

JW: Answer me or I’ll tell your mum that Wicked wasn’t actually sold out through the summer

MH: No need to resort to childish threats, John.

MH: The bear may have been included amongst the presents sent to Rosamund from my office.

MH: I can’t be certain.

MH: It was very expensive, you realize.

JW: You know what else would be expensive

JW: Having to remove its head from your rectum

MH: Forgive me my generosity.

MH: If you’d like, I can arrange to have it destroyed.

MH: Unless that will upset Rosamund.

JW: Of course it will bloody upset Rosamund!  She’s obsessed with it!  You’ve ruined my life, Mycroft Holmes, and you WILL pay for it!!!

MH: Such dramatics.

MH: You’ve been spending too much time with my brother.

SH: I’ve got an idea.

SH: I’ll run it through the wash.

SH: I can claim it’s an accident, which will be believable since I don’t know how to use the washing machine.

GL: You don’t know how to use the washing machine?!

GL: Honestly

GL: You toff

JW: Oh god please do it

JW: Do it now

JW: I can’t take another moment of it

MH: I’m glad you two have found a way to solve this insuperable dilemma.

MH: Congratulations on your victory over a child of two and a half.

MH: You’ve truly earned your international reputation.

Chapter Text

3 February 2018

GL: So my new flat is definitely in need of some warming

GL: Next Saturday, my place, let’s say 5?

GL: Would love to see you all there

GL: There will be food of some sort

JW: Yeah sounds good Greg, what can we bring?

JW: And by we, I mean, what can I bring and kindly allow Sherlock to take half the credit for?

GL: Lol

GL: Beer?

SH: I’m sure John can manage that.

MoH: I’ll bring dessert!  I’ve got a new lemon bar recipe

GL: That’d be great Molly, don’t forget the sugar this time though yeah?

MoH: :(

MoH: I thought we weren’t going to talk about those biscuits again

GL: Sorry

MrsH: I’ll be there Detective Inspector!  

GL: Great!

GL: What about you, Mycroft?

MH: Thank you for extending an invitation, Gregory.

MH: I’ll have Anthea get back to you with my schedule.

GL: Oh all right

GL: Just have her text me I suppose

GL: Anyway I was thinking maybe I’d do a roast chicken or something?

GL: Any thoughts on that?

MrsH: I’ve got a nice recipe I can send over!

MrsH: I’ll email it to you later when John gets home so he can do up the attachment

Anthea has joined Just A Normal Grouptext and Not A Place Where People Talk About Murdering Other People At All, Ever

A: Mr. Holmes will be attending and will provide catering from Balthazar.

A: Please contact me directly with any questions or dietary restrictions.

A: Have a lovely day.

A has left Just A Normal Grouptext and Not A Place Where People Talk About Murdering Other People At All, Ever

GL: Ummmmm

GL: Did anyone know that other people could just join this at any time

JW: Yeah no they definitely can’t

SH: It’s probably best for everyone if we all forget it ever happened.

GL: Glad she got to see the title

GL: Definitely not at all suspicious

Chapter Text

6 February 2018

SH: Molly has a date tonight

MoH: What???

MoH: What are you talking about!

MoH: Why would you say that

SH: You kicked me out of the morgue.

MoH: My shift was over!  It was time to go!

SH: You never kick me out.

SH: Also you’re wearing mascara.

SH: It was obvious.

JW: That’s great Molly, who’s the lucky bloke?

GL: Did you meet him on OkCupid?

GL: I’d love to hear a success story out of there

GL: Ever since I added that photo of me and Sherlock I mostly just get questions about whether HE’S available

GL: I usually just refer those birds to the Emma Thompson article

MoH: Oh my gosh

MoH: Can’t a girl have personal business anymore these days?

MrsH: Molly dear you should know better than to try to hide things from Sherlock!

SH: If you’d wanted to keep it a secret you shouldn’t have worn a push-up bra.


MoH: Honestly

MoH: All right, yes

MoH: I have a date

MoH: It’s a third date actually

MoH: He’s an accountant and he’s very nice

JW: Third date!

JW: You should bring him to Greg’s housewarming

MoH: NO!

MoH: I mean

MoH: The thing is

MoH: I think I’ll wait to bring him round actually

MoH: You know?

MoH: Bit intimidating to meet, you know, you lot

GL: And by “you lot” you mean “Sherlock”

MoH: A bit, yes

SH: You mean because I’m extremely famous?

JW: I think more because you’re a prat

MoH: No, no, not at all!

MoH: It’s just

MoH: Well, yes, it’s that, actually

MoH: Sorry

SH: No need to apologize.

SH: Prat is among the kinder epithets that have been applied to me.

GL: Yeah, don’t apologize to him, Molly

GL: You’re doing the right thing

GL: No need to scare this bloke off straight away

JW: Agreed

JW: We’re a bit of an odd bunch

JW: We all remember how good Sherlock was at driving off my girlfriends

GL: Well, that was different

JW: What do you mean?

GL: Nothing

JW: Uhh okay

MoH: Maybe I’ll bring him round to the next get together, yeah?

MoH: After, you know

MoH: Things are a bit more, you know, settled

GL: Like once you’ve married him

Chapter Text

10 February 2018

GL: All right, the food is here but none of you are

GL: Am I going to be eating approximately a small village’s worth Balthazar by myself?

MoH: I’ll be there soon!

MoH: Just need to gather up all the pieces of this woman and get them back in cold storage

MoH: Sorry, that was probably too much information

GL: It’s fine, we’ve all been there

GL: More or less

MH: I am also delayed.

MH: There’s been a minor uprising in Cambodia.

MH: I should be arriving within the hour.

GL: Sounds about right

MrsH: I’ll be there whenever the boys are ready but there seems to be a hold up in B!

JW: Sorry mate, we’re running a bit late

GL: No worries, you’ve got Sherlock and a toddler to deal with

SH: You may be interested to know that it’s actually John’s fault.

JW: They’re not interested

SH: He and Rosie were at the park.

SH: There was a woman.

MrsH: !!!!

MoH: Ooh tell us more!

SH: Single mum, late thirties.

SH: He lost track of time.

JW: Don’t listen to him

JW: He wasn’t there

GL: Did you get her number?

SH: He did.

JW: How on earth do you know that

JW: I made sure to put my phone back in my jeans EXACTLY as it was before

SH: It’s embarrassing for you that you even have to ask.

JW: Well anyway we’ll be there soon


GL: Thanks again for coming last night everyone!

GL: I had a great time

SH: I thought we agreed not to discuss it anymore.

GL: What do you mean?

GL: I said thanks for coming!  How is that discussing it???

SH: You only said thank you as a lead in to bringing it up.

SH: Transparent as always.

JW: It pains me to agree with him on anything but you know he’s right

GL: I’m hurt John

GL: Hurt and insulted

GL: We distinctly agreed that we would not, under any circumstances, talk about Pictionary, and here you are accusing me of talking about Pictionary when all I’m doing is thanking my best friends for coming to my housewarming party

MoH: You’re talking about Pictionary right now Greg

GL: But only to defend myself from accusations of talking about Pictionary!

MrsH: Oh please stop saying Pictionary, you’re going to get Sherlock started again

SH: Get me started?

SH: I’m not the one who threw a pencil at someone else’s head just because they didn’t know who the clue was

GL: The category was CELEBRITIES

GL: How am I supposed to know who Giacomo Puccini is????

SH: How could you NOT know who he is?

JW: Can we not do this again

GL: Composers from the 1800s are not celebrities Sherlock

SH: Shall I recite the definition of celebrity?

MoH: You already did that shortly before you dropped the cup of tea on Greg’s head

MH: This is why I suggested we get the peace accord in writing.

MrsH: What I don’t understand is why we even tried to play

MrsH: We all know what a terrible sore loser Sherlock is, it's not like we've forgotten the charades incident

JW: Yeah, that’s not helping

GL has changed Just A Normal Grouptext and Not A Place Where People Talk About Murdering Other People At All, Ever to Pictionary: 1, Sherlock Holmes: 0

SH has removed GL from Pictionary: 1, Sherlock Holmes: 0

JW has added GL to Pictionary: 1, Sherlock Holmes: 0

GL: Thank you John

JW: You’re welcome

JW: Now can you both please grow up and stop talking about it???

SH: I can if Greg can.

GL: Of course I can

JW: Thank you

GL: long as Sherlock will admit that I won

JW has removed GL from Pictionary: 1, Sherlock Holmes: 0

MoH: He deserved that

Chapter Text

21 February 2018

JW: I have great news for everyone who isn’t Sherlock

JW: Caught him reading a book about the South Pacific to Rosie

JW: [Video - -  21.2.2018 11:31]

JW: You’re welcome

GL: Oh my god

GL: What in the hell is wrong with him???


GL: Didn’t you go to primary school mate??

MoH: Maybe they don’t teach them their animals at Eton?

MrsH: I can’t stop laughing

MrsH: I’ve watched it six times and it just keeps getting better every time!

MrsH: Hang on I’ve got to plug in my mobile so I can watch it again

SH: I don’t see how this is interesting.

GL: I think my favorite part is at the end where Rosie laughs at him

MH: Ah.

MH: I may have to take some responsibility.

MH: The year was 1980.

MH: Sherlock was reading a book about Antarctica.

MH: I failed to correct his pronunciation.  

MH: I had nearly forgotten.

MH: Forgive me, brother mine.

JW: Yeah the fact that you didn’t correct him when he was three, while hilarious, is not an excuse

JW: He’s had several decades since then

SH: How does the proper pronunciation of the word “penguins” help me solve cases?

SH: It doesn’t.

SH: I probably deleted it.

SH: Just like I’m deleting this whole conversation.


Chapter Text

4 March 2018

JW: you awake?

SH: Obviously.

SH: I can’t speak for anyone else but considering it’s two in the morning I would assume no.

JW: Rosie go to bed ok?

SH: Of course.

SH: You aren’t enjoying Jacob’s party.

JW: i didn tsay that

SH: I told you you wouldn’t.

SH: You don’t like loud clubs or exotic dancers. Or Jacob, particularly.

JW: well you goto stag parties when you get invited to them, dont you?

SH: I wouldn’t know.

SH: I’ve only ever been invited to the one.

JW: it was a good one though

SH: I don’t have a basis for comparison but I found it to be acceptable.

JW: untl the part where we got arrsted

SH: Perhaps Lestrade has an opinion on stag parties, he seems the sort of man who would receive plenty of invitations.

SH: Any thoughts Greg?

JW: i didnt really mind getting arrested though

JW: you were there after all

SH: Yes, I recall.

SH: Part of it, at least.

JW: dyou ever think about if that client hadnt shown up

SH: What do you mean?

JW: dunno

JW: its just

JW: well

JW: you, i suppose

SH: You’re drunk.

JW: deduced it have you

JW: brilliant as always hahaha

JW: i do hate this party

JW: im much too old for this

SH: Come home then.

SH: If you’d like.

JW: i would like

JW: quite  abit

JW: probably more than that

JW: youre ringing me

JW: what are you ringing me for

JW: i cant pick up in this club you berk

JW: and anyway you prefer texting

JW: you said that years ago you know

JW: i remember it

JW: i remember everything youve ever told me i think

JW: whered you go

JW: sherlock?

SH: Yes?

JW: oh hello

JW: ill come home no wi think

JW: youll be up?

SH: Obviously.

JW: good

JW: see you soon


GL: Well, 56 new text messages is certainly one way to wake up.

GL: Did you two have a good night then?  

GL: ;)

GL has changed  Pictionary: 1, Sherlock Holmes: 0 to Texts From Last Night

SH: John vomited twice and then fell asleep on the sofa.


MoH: Good morning Mr. Drunk Texter!

MoH: How are you feeling today?

JW: Oh Jesus Christ

JW: Was I texting all of you?

MH: Indeed.

JW: Why didn’t anyone TELL me?!

MrsH: Some of us were asleep!

JW: Hope I wasn’t keeping anyone awake.

GL: Only Sherlock

GL: Pretty sure he didn’t mind though

JW: What’s that supposed to mean?

GL: Nothing!

GL: You’re tetchy when you’re hungover aren’t you??

Chapter Text

11 March 2018

MrsH: Yoohoo, anyone home?

MrsH: Only I’m having a spot of trouble with my laptop

JW: We’re on a case, sorry

MrsH: No problem dear

JW: I’d much prefer to be home, if it helps

JW: It’s pouring and Sherlock’s being a prat

SH: How is it being a prat to question a witness until she provides actually useful information?

JW: I never said you were being a prat to the witness

JW: You’re being a prat to ME

SH: I merely asked if you had any interest in actually helping with the investigation, or if your contributions would be limited to inane comments about the weather.

JW: Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m talking about

GL: Why are you two texting when you’re standing literally right next to each other?!

GL: Honestly

GL: Mrs. H, did you try turning your laptop on and off again?

GL has changed   Texts From Last Night to Baker Street Tech Help Line

MrsH: I did thank you Detective Inspector

MrsH: That’s what John usually does but it doesn’t seem to be having any effect this time

GL: That’s me out of ideas then

SH: Yes, John is simply irreplaceable as a computer expert.

SH: You must really be struggling without his incomparable button-pressing skills.  

SH: Perhaps I could send you a minimally trained primate to replace him?

JW: Right

JW: Mrs. Hudson, I’m on my way home

JW: See you soon

SH: What do you mean you’re on your way home?

SH: The case isn’t finished.

GL: Yeah he left like fifteen minutes ago mate

SH: He’s coming back, isn’t he?

JW: First of all, I’m in this chat too, you realize

JW: Second of all, no, I’m not

JW: I’m going home to have a cup of tea and help Mrs. H with her laptop

SH: Why?

JW: Because you’re being an enormous arsehole!

JW: Jesus

MrsH: Oh dear

MrsH: I hate it when you boys fight

JW: No one’s fighting, don’t worry about it

JW: Sherlock’s just being Sherlock and I’ve had rather enough of it for the day

MoH: Well this was quite an awkward series of chats to come back to!

GL: Mentioning it isn’t helping, Molls

MoH: Everything calmed down now?

MoH: John?

MoH: Sherlock?

GL: Sherlock’s in a skip at the moment

GL: He’s shouting something about packing peanuts and nitroglycerin

GL: So he’ll have to get back to you later

Chapter Text

12 March 2018

MrsH: Guess what!

MrsH: Molly’s taught me how to use Bitmoji!

GL: Exciting Sunday afternoon over at Baker Street I see

MrsH: Are you poking fun at me?


Bitmoji Sherlock: 'I Hate You'

GL: Oh my god

GL: Did you make your bitmoji Sherlock???


Bitmoji Sherlock: 'Duh'

MoH: She thought it would be funny

GL: Hahahahahhha

GL: It is

GL: Not sure how Himself will feel about it


Bitmoji Sherlock: 'Oopsie Woopsie!'

GL: Oh this is spectacular

GL: I’m taking screenshots

GL: Really good stuff Mrs. H, keep them coming!

JW: Very funny

JW: Has anyone seen Sherlock?


Bitmoji Sherlock: 'Hiya Dum-dum!'

JW: haha

JW: I meant the real one

GL: Nope, have you asked John?

GL: Wait

GL: You ARE John

GL: You don’t know where he is?!

MoH: Are you two still rowing?

JW: No

JW: Not really

JW: He left in a rush earlier and forgot his mobile

JW: If anyone sees him, can you just tell him

JW: Well

JW: Anyway just let me know

MrsH: John, I guess Sherlock has pretty much said


Bitmoji Sherlock: 'Buzz Off'

MoH: Oh that’s an especially good one

MoH: Look at his little wings!

MH: It appears that Sherlock is currently at the Cat and Mutton on Broadway Market

GL: The Cat & Mutton??

GL: But that’s near my flat

MH: What an interesting coincidence.

GL: Have you got a tracker on him?

MH: Something like that.

GL: Not like him to sit at a pub, is it?


Bitmoji Sherlock: 'No.'

MoH: Not especially, no

MoH: Maybe for the bitmoji version of him?

MoH:That guy seems like a lot of fun!!

GL: Well, I guess I’ll pop down there and see him then

GL: I’ll let him know you’re trying to get a hold of him, John

JW: Thanks mate


Bitmoji Sherlock: 'Oh, It's You...'

MoH: Oh now that’s VERY accurate

MoH: Think we can convince him to start using these himself?

GL: I’ve just shown him

GL: He said the resemblance is very strong and he approves

GL: I think he’s drunk though

GL: So who knows

JW: He’s been drinking?

GL: That’s what people generally do at pubs, isn’t it? You’re the expert after all John. - SH

GL: That was him stealing my phone

GL: Obviously

GL: He also reset my lock screen image to a photo of him and half my face

GL: So that’s nice

MoH: You should have a passcode on your mobile, Greg

GL: He does. - SH

Chapter Text

15 March 2018

GL: Sherlock, pick up your mobile

GL: I’ve got a case for you

GL: It’s a good one

GL: John, trying you too

GL: Since His Majesty is ignoring me

GL: Where are you two???

MrsH: I’m out shopping haven’t seen them all day xx

MoH: I picked Rosie up from Baker Street about an hour ago

MoH: We’re having a girls night in!

MoH: They didn’t say they were going anywhere

MoH: Is it really a good case?

GL: [Photo - CrimeScene1.jpg -  15.3.2018 18:39]

MrsH: Well that’s certainly something

MrsH: How do you think he got up there?

GL: No idea

GL: That’s why I’m trying to get Sherlock to come take a look

GL:Take a look at the photo, Sherlock!  It’s a 7 at least!

MoH: Looks like he bled for quite a while

MoH: From this angle at least

GL: Yes I thought so too

MoH: He must have been up there for some time!  And nobody noticed?

GL: [Photo - CrimeScene2.jpg -  15.3.2018 18:44]

MrsH: So you think he came through the window then?

GL: What?  No, the door

GL: Seems unlikely that he’d have climbed up the side of the building in that state

MoH: Is there blood by the door, though?  Looks clean to me

MrsH: Yes that’s exactly what I thought

GL: [Photo - CrimeScene3.jpg -  15.3.2018 18:49]

GL: Nope not that I can see

GL: All right we’re checking the footage

GL: And I was wondering how nobody noticed a man bleeding to death wandering around the building

GL: But the window?  Really?

MrsH: Well as Sherlock always says

MrsH: When the impossible has been eliminated and so on

MH: Might I suggest checking the ground floor on the other side of the building?

MH: It may provide additional information about the likelihood of his having made the climb before his untimely death.

GL: [Photo - CrimeScene4.jpg -  15.3.2018 19:02]

GL: This is the other side of the building - same as the one he’s on

MoH: Hang on

MoH: It’s not exactly the same

MoH: Is that a window washing setup near the roof?

MrsH: Of course!  He was a window washer!

MrsH: We should have known!

GL: Really?  You think so?

MH: It would explain his unlikely ascent.

GL: Christ

GL: All right

GL: We’re contacting the window washing company now

GL: Update: two of their employees never brought their van back to HQ today

GL: We’re searching for the other now - he’s probably the killer.

GL: Thanks for your help everyone!

GL: I’m going to sack Sherlock and replace him with this grouptext

MrsH: Haha!  He won’t like that


JW: Lots of excitement here this evening, sorry we missed it

SH: Yes, it’s reassuring, as a citizen of London, to hear that a high-ranking detective, a medical examiner, a government official, and a drug lord’s widow can together solve one simple murder.

MoH: Oh hush you

GL: Yeah, no giving us a hard time when you were MIA

GL has changed Baker Street Tech Help Line to Sherlock Holmes: Not Quite The World’s ONLY Consulting Detective

GL: Where were you two anyway?  I must’ve rung you ten times

SH: Dinner

JW: Client

JW: That is

JW: We had dinner with a client

MrsH: Dinner with a client?

MrsH: Really?

JW: Yeah we do that

JW: Sometimes

MH: How interesting.

JW: Well done solving the case everyone!

Chapter Text

18 March 2018

JW: Is anyone free tomorrow night to mind Rosie?

GL: I’ll be at work

GL: I know Rosie doesn’t mind crime scenes, but sadly this is the boring administrative paperwork kind of work

GL: What have you got going on?

JW: Just some plans that came up

GL: So a date, then

JW: No

JW: No, not a date

GL: Yeah it’s definitely a date

MrsH: I’ll be at a 75th birthday party for an old school chum

MrsH: I’d bring Rosie along but I think it’s going to get a bit wild

JW: Right, that’s as much information as I need on that, thanks Mrs. H

MH: While I would gladly spend an evening with Rosamund, I’ll be on a different continent.

SH: You weren’t being asked, Mycroft.

SH: John should have clarified that he prefers people who are qualified to mind children, not countries.

MH: I can assure you that I am qualified to keep another human being alive.

MH: I’ve been successful with you so far, after all.

GL: Yeah but he was dead for a while so I’m not sure you can count that one mate

MoH: Ouch.

MoH: I’ve got plans with friends sorry John :(

MoH: I could cancel though?

JW: No Molly of course not, I’ll figure something out

GL: Oi Sherlock!  Why can't you stay home with Rosie?  

SH: I’m busy.

GL: I’m sure your experiment on the tensile strength of chewing gum or whatever it is can wait

GL: John has a date!

SH: Yes, I know.

GL: So????  

SH: It’s with me.

GL: !

GL: !!!

GL: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MoH: What!?

MoH: How!?

MoH: When!?

MoH: Are you serious???!!!

MoH: Sherlock, why you didn’t say anything when you stopped by to look at the man who’d been drawn and quartered?

SH: It didn’t feel like the quite the moment what with all the dismemberment in the room.

GL: All right, which of you finally pulled their head out of their arse?

GL: I want to shake that man’s hand

MrsH: Oh boys I’m so happy!

MrsH: Also could one of you take the clothes out of the dryer please?  I’ve got a load to do

MrsH: If you’re not otherwise occupied that is ;)

GL: Oh my god is that why I couldn’t get ahold of you the other night?

GL: I had a case for you and you ignored me because you were busy having a snog?!

GL: Jesus

MH: [Attachment - Child Minders with Background Checks.doc]

GL: ^^^Mycroft’s way of saying he approves, presumably

JW: Sherlock

JW: This was not how we discussed doing this

JW: You’re impossible

JW: Shut up all of you

GL has changed Sherlock Holmes: Not Quite The World’s ONLY Consulting Detective  to Holmes-Watson Wedding Planning Committee

JW has changed Holmes-Watson Wedding Planning Committee to Fuck Off Lestrade

GL has changed Fuck Off Lestrade to Holmes-Watson Engagement Party Planning Committee At The Very Least