Time; it feels like days. It feels like I’ve been standing here, holding her for ages, screaming for someone, anyone, to hear me. Time; I currently have no concept of it. A second can feel like hours, days turned into months, months into years. When life hits you hard, time does not feel as if it’s on your side. It feels all too fast and all to slow, all at the same time. It felt like, just minutes ago, that I was waking up to her beautiful dimpled smile. It felt like seconds ago that I got the call to be her back up. Yet, it feels like days had past just to reach her, to see her pushing a little girl out of the way from a stray bullet. It now feels like years. It feels like my life is in slow motion, watching my sister fly her off to the D.E.O. Time; it’s a measure of the moments lived, the moments of fear, pain, regret. Time; she needs more of it. We all do.
“You need to get some rest Al.” Kara had been staying by my side for hours now. She has this innate ability to know when people need her, and boy, do I need her right now.
“I’m terrified to move. I’m scared that if I leave, I might miss something.”
“She’s not going anywhere. They are going to take care of her.” I knew she meant well, but something in me refused to believe her. Her blood was still on my clothes. Washing the blood off of my hands felt like I was in an endless nightmare. I’ve had blood on my hands before, both literally and figuratively, but this was different. This was my own personal hell. It felt like my world was falling apart with every tear soaked blood stain that I removed.
“I can’t.” I closed my eyes trying to hold back any more tears that I had left. “Kara, I can’t.” The dam broke. The tears began to flow. Kara wrapped her arms around me, pulling me in close.
“It’s okay. She’s going to be okay.” It felt like hours that she was repeating those two sentences to me, till I believed them. I never did. 11 months ago, I knew one thing in my life, if Kara left this Earth a part of me would leave with her. She was the only one that I allowed in since I thought my dad died. I love my mom, don’t get me wrong, but Kara was my life. She’s my baby sister. I couldn’t imagine a world without her in it. But that was 11 months ago. Maggie Sawyer, that frustrating, adorably, strong willed, hard headed, detective changed all of that for me. It wasn’t just Kara anymore. “Talk to me sis. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”
It took awhile for me to get my bearings. “I need her to make it through this. I need …” I had to stop and gather myself together before I broke down again. “I need her.” I turned towards Kara. “I need her, and I don’t know what would happen if she didn’t make it.”
“She is going to make it.” She reached over and brushed a strand of hair out of my face. “She would never risk leaving you behind, so I have no doubt that she will make it through this. In no time you will see those amazing dimples that you won’t ever shut up about.” The thought alone brought a sad smile to my face.
“She lost a lot of blood Kara.” I looked down at my clothes. “Trust me, I know.”
“She’s a fighter.” She stood up and reached her hand out towards me. “Sitting here, waiting is not going to help her. You need to change out of the clothes and let me take care of you right now. It’s what she would tell you to do.” I looked down and then quickly back at her hand. “See, you can’t even argue with me on that. Get changed and meet me in the training room. You need to clear your head.” I silently took her hand and got up.
“You’re not landing anything right now. Come on, give me some competition.” I loved Kara, but I didn’t necessarily like her at this particular moment in time. There went another swing and a miss, with me landing on my ass again. Needless to say, I was off my game, big time. “Get up!” Oh how the roles have reversed.
“You know, you don’t have to be such an asshole right now, Kara.” Frustration was rearing its ugly head.
“I wouldn’t have to be if you actually tried fighting me. Now, get up.” She reached her hand out and I shoved it away. I got up on my feet and went in for a round house kick. She ducked and swept my legs out from under me. “Are you going to fight or are you just going to keep getting knocked down as if you’re doing it on purpose?”
“Fuck off.” To say I was irritated, would be putting it lightly.
“Oh, is Agent Danvers losing her cool?” She was beginning to play with fire. I went in for an uppercut. I landed a punch finally, but not even two seconds later Kara got me with a left jab to my jaw. I turned around and spat out a bit of blood before getting back into my fighting stance. “Come on, is that all you got? It feels like I’m fighting nothing right now.” I was done. I brushed myself off and went in for an arsenal of attacks. I started off with a combination move and moved in with a knee to her abdomen. When I noticed her body fold forward in response, I flipped her over. She rolled over to get back up. “That’s it! Get angry!” Oh, I was angry. I went for another round house and ended up landed it perfectly as I knocked her to the ground once more and proceeded to lay a few jabs to her side.
“You want me angry? Well, I’m angry!” Instead of punching her I swung for the mat, right by her right arm. I pounded my fist a few times before I allowed the tears to fall. She didn’t flinch. She just watched. She watched me slowly self implode. “I’m angry with everyone and everything right now!” I swallowed hard as more tears made way. Kara moved from underneath me, as I remained with my fist in the mat. “It’s like the universe …” I could hardly form a coherent sentence without breaking. “It’s like it has it out for me, like it doesn’t want me happy. And, I know, this isn’t about me. I’m being so selfish for thinking this way. She is lying there on an operating table, fighting for her life, and I’m over here wanting to get hit so I could feel something. Anything.” Kara just sat down quietly as I finally looked up at her. My voice was as small as I felt. “I am terrified that I’m going to lose her. I’m scared that I will miss out on all of the things that we are destined to become. She is lying there and I am here, perfectly fine, just wishing that it was me in there and not her. This world is a much brighter place with her in it. This world cannot lose its light. I can’t lose my light.”
“Oh, Alex.” She moved in closer and gave me a tight hug.
“Kara, I love her so much. I didn’t know that this kind of love even existed. I can’t lose that. A part of me will be missing that I will never get back, because no one can replace her. She is my everything now.” I looked up fighting back any more tears that remained.
“Hey, look at me.” She brought herself arms length away, while still keeping her hands on my shoulders. “She will not die. Those doctors in there are going to be done before you know it and she will be waiting to wake up to you, the woman she loves. Okay?” I slowly shook my head. “Al, I’m going to need you to say it. I need you to believe it. She will not leave you. Not today. Not tomorrow. She is here for the long run. After all, you did tell me how stubborn she is. So say it, ‘she’s going to be okay’.”
I took a deep breath and wiped my tears away. “She’s…” I took one more breath. “She’s going to be okay.” Kara leaned over and wiped away a stray tear that made way down my right cheek. As she proceeded to hug me, the training room door opened up.
“Alex.” I turned around to see J’onn with a small hint of a smile. “She’s going to be okay.” His smirk turned into a soft smile, sweeping relief over my entire body. She was alive. She was still there. “She’s going to be asleep for a little awhile, so why don’t you go and get cleaned up. I’m sure she’d be happy to wake up to a familiar face.”
I stood looking out the window for what felt like days. The sun was shining bright from finally rising. Maggie should be waking up at any moment, at least that’s what I kept telling myself.
“You have this strange ability to look into the distance for long periods of time.” I slowly turned around; wanting to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. “I just feel like you should have some of that coffee house music in the background. Really add some layers to the complexity that is Alex Danvers.” She held in a small laugh.
“You’re so extra sometimes.” I couldn’t contain my smile as I tried to maintain my cool, and quickly walked over to her. I stopped just before closing the gap to kiss her, just admiring all that is Maggie Sawyer. Maggie looked into my eyes with a silent resolve. My eyes went wide as I was sure I was staring at an angel. I moved in closer to capture those breath taking lips of hers. Soft, short and sweet, but all the air was knocked out of my lungs by just that one kiss.
“Me? You just kissed me like I died or something?” She chuckled.
“You almost did.” My voice went small.
“But I didn’t.” She went to hold my hand, as I adjusted on her bed, trying to remain close. I was too afraid to turn away, afraid that if I did, this would all go away. “How could I ever leave you?”
“See, that’s what I was thinking.” I couldn’t help but keep our playful banter. We always fell into it so seamlessly. I looked down at our intertwined fingers, slowly rubbing my thumb across her hand. “We need to talk Mags.” I looked up at her and knew in that moment, I couldn’t live another second without this woman in my life. I wouldn’t allow it. She just remained silent, knowing I wasn’t quite done talking yet. “I’ve been thinking, and our jobs are really dangerous.” She slowly nodded her head, looking almost afraid for what was going to come next. “We work in fields that don’t always promise tomorrow. I know, typically, it’s been me in the hospital bed. I never really grasped what it would feel like losing you, until today.”
“But I’m still here sweetheart.” She clinched onto my hand, trying to reassure me.
“I know that, but you almost weren’t. Like I said, I’ve had some time to think about this, and I’ve come to a conclusion.” I brushed her hair out of her face, wanting to see every feature she graced this world with, on full display.
She did her signature head tilt. “And what conclusion is that?”
“I realized our time on this earth is quickly passing us by and I can’t waste another minute, another second, without knowing that I did everything I could to assure that you are in my life. That I made you see how much I love you every single day. That I got to kiss those perfect lips of yours and have your hand in my hand. I can’t fathom a life without you in it. You make me better. You make me stronger. You make me feel, and I honestly began to think I was incapable of such a thing. Mags, you are the light within the darkness that this world has given me. You have opened a part of my heart that I never knew existed.” Tears slowly began to form in Maggie’s eyes. “It’s been, what, 11 months now?” She nodded her head. “I was going to wait a reasonable amount of time. I really was going to try. See, the thing is ...” Now it was my turn to keep myself together. I reached within my front pocket. “The thing is, I may look like I’m jumping the gun. It may seem like I didn’t fully think this through, but I did. Boy did I.” Maggie couldn’t contain her tears anymore as she silently let me continue. “I’ve had this for some time now. Actually, I got this right after I was in the hospital and you told me you loved me for the first time.” I fiddled with the white gold, princess cut, diamond ring as I chose my next words very carefully. “I knew that I loved you before I even wanted to admit it to myself. From the first time we met, you were a part of me. The best part. I love you Maggie Sawyer, with every ounce of my being. I cannot, with a sound mind, continue this without letting you know just how all in I am with you.” I finally stopped fidgeting. The nerves subsided with one look into those beautiful brown eyes of hers that held the light of a thousand suns within them. I was ready to jump. I was ready to fly. “You are my entire world. Will you marry me?”
Time; I currently have no concept of it. In this moment, the world has stopped and allowed me to take in the moment in which I was living in. I could relive this moment for the rest of my life, and I’d be okay. This is the moment I got a new lease on life. I have never been more thankful.
“Yes. Of course I’ll marry you!”