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It's All Coming Back to Me Now

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There were nights when the wind was so cold

That my body froze in bed if I just listened to it right outside the window

There were days when the sun was so cruel

That all the tears turned to dust and I just knew my eyes were drying up forever

I finished crying in the instant that you left

And I can't remember where or when or how

And I banished every memory you and I had ever made

"You're not my girlfriend."

As if the first time he told her he wasn't interested in her wasn't bad enough. How stupid was she? She was the one who kept him unwillingly under her command as her sole intern; she was the one who kissed him at Joe's; she was the one who threw him into the nearest on call room and had her way with him. Apparently she was a masochist because she kept coming back for more and he kept crushing her hopes any chance he got. He didn't like her the way she liked him; he made that painfully clear. She wasn't his girlfriend. He didn't have feelings for her….

Except there were times when she swore he felt something. If he didn't care for her he wouldn't have gone through the trouble of purchasing a vanilla latte because Mark was rude to her; he wouldn't have almost kissed her in the NICU; he wouldn't have kissed her back at Joe's, even if he did claim he only did because she was his boss; he wouldn't have said he'd notice if she went missing; and he certainly wouldn't have had earth-shattering sex with her in an on call room … well, maybe he would have. He was a man, after all.

But no, she shook that thought from her head. He wasn't an ass as much as he claimed to be. He would have stopped the sex if he didn't care for her at all. No, He cared for her; that was the infuriating part: he cared. But he was scared. She knew he was scared, that's why he threw her away without a second glance when she left Seattle Grace that night. That's why he became fixated on Ava … Rebecca …whatever the hell her name was. He needed to be focused on anything but her. She didn't know what he was so scared of. It wasn't like she proposed marriage, hell, it wasn't like she even asked to be his girlfriend. Sure she would have liked it if eventually she could be known as his girlfriend … but he spit all over that pipe dream as well, with his infuriating "You're not my girlfriend."

So Addison left. She quit her job as head of the neonatal department at Seattle Grace Hospital, packed her things, and went to work at a clinic where she was lucky if she had one patient a day. And she cried every single solitary night. Because she put herself out there, only to be handed a curt "You're not my girlfriend."

But soon she stopped crying and got angry. She wasn't his girlfriend and she never asked to be his girlfriend and she never even got the chance to be his girlfriend! So screw him. Him and his stupid vanilla lattes and his "noticing" and his almost kissing her in NICUs. She didn't need him. She'd do just fine without him.

Except she didn't do just fine without him. In fact, if she was truthful with herself, she did pretty freakin' lousy without him. And lousy came in the form of Pete, Kevin, and, most recently, Noah. Not that she ever had anything really with Pete, and Kevin was nice at the beginning…but Noah was her rock bottom, her self-destruction in its finest form. He was married, and she was the dirty mistress. Granted, she had never actually allowed them to get far enough to actually warrant the nickname "dirty mistress" … but the fact remained: he was married, and what they did do/didn't do/almost did … didn't matter. It was wrong, and it was the lowest she had ever felt.

But when you touch me like this

And when you hold me like that

I just have to admit that it's all coming back to me

When I touch you like this

And I hold you like that

It's so hard to believe but it's all coming back to me

She was going to be late for work. Correction: she was late for work - twenty minutes late, to be exact. Well it wasn't her fault her power chose to secretly go out in the middle of the night and then come back on, thus resetting her alarm clock, now was it?

Clumsily, Addison squeezed into a pair of overpriced black heels as she stumbled down the steps. Pulling her short hair up into some semblance of a ponytail hoping it came off as a sleek up-do and quickly applying some lip gloss to her nude face, she made a mad dash to gather her cell phone, car keys, and brief case. Satisfied she was suitably prepared for work, she darted to her front door and swung it open, coming face to face with Alex Karev.

"Izzie's dead. Can I come in?"

Mouth agape and eyes wide open, Addison wordlessly widened the opening of the door and allowed him entrance. She pointed to the couch and silently made her way back to her living room where she sat down next to him. He spilled everything, as if he'd been keeping it all bottled up and the sight of her was his undoing. He told her about Ava's nervous breakdown and subsequently falling back into bed with Izzie. About Izzie's cancer. About how he granted her final wish to have a big, fantastic wedding, even though the both of them new that the love they once shared was now nothing more than a nice, close friendship. About how Izzie died, and about how he had nothing keeping him in Seattle anymore, and the only place he could think to come was to her.

An awkward silence followed his final confession.

"I, um, I'm late for work." Addison spoke in a whisper, not trusting her voice, as she stood up to make a fast, albeit awkward, exit to work.

"Addison." She looked down into Alex's pleading eyes and felt all the walls she built up in an effort to protect herself from him come crumbling down.

Slowly, she sank back down onto the couch next to him, never breaking eye contact.

Lips were reunited, clothes were tossed aside, and two were joined as one again.

And Addison was right back where she started.

There were those empty threats and hollow lies

And whenever you tried to hurt me I just hurt you even worse and so much deeper

There were hours that just went on for days

When alone at last we'd count up all the chances that were lost to us forever

But you were history with the slamming of the door

And I made myself so strong again somehow

And I never wasted any of my time on you since then…

"Hi, I'm home." Addison called as she entered the living room.

"Hey." Alex replied tersely from his spot on the couch watching television.

It had been the same way for weeks. Addison went off to work and Alex stayed perched on the couch. They had entered a comfortable routine; there had been no repeats of the events that had taken place when Alex first arrived on her doorstep and by unspoken agreement, the two had formed a nice friendship.

However, something seemed off in Alex's voice today, so Addison decided to tread on thin waters.

"How was your day?" She asked.

Never taking his eyes off the television, Alex answered curtly, "Fine."

"Did you go outside at all? It was so nice out today."


"Did you look for any jobs?"


Exasperated, Addison finally snapped. "Well what the hell did you do, Alex? Besides sit on the couch and think up ways to piss me off when I got home from work."

Wordlessly, Alex looked up with a furious glare in his smoldering, dark eyes. His eyes never leaving hers, he leaned over and pressed the button on the answering machine.

"Addison, hi, it's me….Noah."

Realization dawned on Addison's face as she braced herself for the rest of the voicemail.

"I um, … I was just calling to say that I miss you and that…that I left my wife. I left Morgan. And I was hoping this means that we can finally be together. So …so call me, if you're willing to give this a try. If not, I'll understand."

The beep indicating the message was over echoed throughout the silent room.

"Alex, he…Noah was just a-" Addison tried to explain when Alex cut in angrily.

"So you came to LA and started sleeping with married men?"

"What? Alex, no it wasn't like that. I didn't know-"

"I would have thought after what you went through with Derek and Meredith you would never do something like this."

Addison sat on the coffee table in front of him, forcing him to make eye contact with her. "I didn't do something like that, Alex, I—"

"I don't think I can look at you right now." He stood up angrily and walked towards the door.

Equally as angered as Alex was, Addison followed after him. "I don't think I asked your opinion on the matter. In fact, I don't even see why you should get a say in any of this."

"You don't see why?" Alex asked incredulously.

"No, I really don't. I came here to pick up the pieces after what you did to me, Alex. You broke my heart. You were the first person to make me feel whole again after what I went through with Derek and then you pulled your whole 'You're not my girlfriend' crap. So I'm sorry if you don't approve of the way I behave now, Alex, but you have no one to blame but yourself." She angrily swiped at the tears that had made their way down her cheeks.

"I'm leaving. I can't stand staying here another second." Alex spat out.

"Good," Addison nodded bitterly, "I'm glad. This means you'll be doing something besides sitting on my couch doing nothing with your life."

"Wouldn't want to get in the way of you sleeping with another woman's husband."

"Go to hell, Alex. Get out of my house and leave me alone forever. I hope I never see you again." She stormed over to the door and opened it.

Alex obliged, and Addison slammed the door behind him, crumbling to a sobbing heap on the floor.

If you forgive me all this,

And I forgive you all that

We forgive and forget

And it's all coming back to me

When you see me like this

And when I see you like that

We see just what we want to see, all coming back to me

The flesh and the fantasies all coming back to me

I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now

The crying stopped and eventually she crawled back over to the couch. Feeling nothing but emptiness, she stared blankly into space until a knock at the door startled her out of her trance.

Groaning as she pulled herself off the couch and patted down her untamed hair, Addison dragged her feet over to the door. She glanced through the peephole and pulled back suddenly. Bracing herself for what was sure to be another stressful encounter, she opened the door for Alex.

"Did you come to collect your things?" She asked as nonchalantly as she could muster.

"No." Alex answered.

"Did you come to berate me some more for a situation you know next to nothing about?"

"No." He shook his head sheepishly.

Addison rolled her eyes. "Well then what the hell are you doing here, Alex? Because I'm pretty sure I told you I never wanted to see you again."

"I came to apologize."

"Oh. Alright then." She let him in.

"I'm sorry for being so quick to judge you for the Noah thing. It was wrong of me."

"Yes, it was," Addison acknowledged. "And if you had let me explain, you would have learned that once I found out he was married I backed off. It was hard, but it had to be done."

Alex nodded. "I should have known that."

Addison also nodded. "Yeah, well…yeah."

"And I also wanted to say how sorry I was for … for before. When I said that you weren't my girlfriend."

At this confession, Addison froze.

"Well, you had a point. I wasn't your girlfriend." She replied, trying to remain as calm and in control as possible.

"You didn't ask to be my girlfriend. I was an ass." He responded.

"True…but I would have eventually wanted to be your girlfriend though," Addison admitted, "so I guess you were right to put an end to things before they even -"

Alex held up a hand to interrupt. "Don't make excuses for me. The truth is I was scared."


"Ava overheard you talking to Callie. About me teaching kids how to play catch, and barbeques and all that."

Slowly, Addison exhaled. "Oh."

"And that scared me. I didn't want to fail you. I realize now that I failed you anyway, and for that I am really, truly sorry." He looked up and met her eyes sincerely.

"It's okay." Her eyes filled with tears.

"I'd like to make it up to you." He walked toward her, taking her face in his hands and wiping the tears from her eyes.

"How?" She asked shakily.

Alex took a deep breath as unabashed tears brimmed in his eyes. "I'd like to be there in the long run, for barbeques, and catch, and all of it."

"Really?" A timid smile graced her features.

"Really." He answered, as his lips came crashing down onto hers holding a promise of love, barbeques, and playing catch.

When you kiss me like this

It's all coming back to me now

And when I touch you like that

It's all coming back to me now

And if you do it like this

It's all coming back to me now

And if we …