[Excerpts from various news articles, some from papers, some found online; some transcripts of radio broadcasts also provided]
(Excerpt from a magazine)
Astronomers have reported very strange extraterrestrial movements as of late; strange objects that appear to be approaching Earth at great speed. “Maybe we’re finally meeting some aliens,” joked Oswald Harley, lead scientist at the Skaianet Observatory in New York. The currently unidentified bodies are expected to be visible from Earth within the week. Be sure to keep an eye on the sky!
(Transcript of a news broadcast)
NEWS ANCHOR: “In what can only be seen as some sort of delayed cosmic April Fool’s day joke, what seems to be an actual alien spaceship has arrived over New York City only minutes ago. We see here live footage of the event. Whatever life forms are on board the vessel have not yet tried to make contact, but we will” [static; rest of speech too garbled to make out]
[At this point, the transmission (as well as that of all other channels) was overridden]
ALIEN LIFE FORM: “Alright, shrimps, listen up. I’m the speaker for Her Imperial Condescension, here to deliver you the message of your new management. This planet is now the property of Alternia. You glubbers can behave and we’ll maybe let some of you live, or you can try to pick a fight you got no chance in shell of winning. Bow before your new leaders, motherfuckers, and pray Her Imperial Condescension’s in a good mood.”
[Static; the transmission returns to the news station]
NEWS ANCHOR: “Are…are we back? Oh my God, is this - this is real? Um. Yes, so. You saw it here, folks, um. God, I can’t do this, I can’t -”
[At this point, the anchor walked off the set and the broadcast cut to commercials.]
(translated transcript taken from a recorded exchange between Alternian soldiers)
THRESHECUTIONER UNIT LEADER: “Do you have the place surrounded yet?”
THRESHECUTIONER: “Hells yes we do, got the place all kinds of on lockdown. We are gonna blast the shit outta these humans and their silly hideaway, they won’t know what hit ‘em.”
TUL: “A simple ‘yes’ would have sufficed. Move in when ready.”
T: “Sir, yes, sir. Wait, shit, what was that?”
TUL: “What was what?”
T: “Somethin just moved really fast in my peripheral vision — shit, there it is again!”
[A muffled scream is heard]
T: “What the fuck, that was — oh my god, his head’s clean off, right through his armor, what the fuck —”
TUL: “Hey, what the fuck is happening down there?”
T: “I think we’re under attack — Humans? Humans are doing this?! Hey, stop standing around and blast those fuckers already, you assholes —”
T: “What the fuck, that’s a kid —”
[A gasp, followed by a thudding noise.]
TUL: “Resker? Resker!?! What the fuck is going on down there?! Answer me!”
[muffled noises for about thirty seconds, and then a new voice speaks]
???: [In English] “Alright, assholes. Let me make this really fucking clear. We are not some simpering weaklings ready to lay down and take this without a fight. So help me, I will personally hunt down your fucking leader and kill her myself.”
1: [In English] “Who the fuck is this?!”
???: [In English] “Strider.”
1: [In English] “Are you a human? What the fuck did you do to squad 13?!”
STRIDER: [In English] “Get the fuck off my planet.”
[sharp sound, apparently resulting from the destruction of the helmet used to communicate.]
(Transcript from human soldiers, arriving on scene to attempt to defend a small mall taken over by surviving humans)
COMMUNICATIONS: “Sir, someone’s hacking into our radio transmissions.”
MAJOR: “Fucking stop them, Jesus! Last thing we need is the trolls getting into those, too —”
COMMUNICATIONS: “I’m trying, sir! I’m not sure it’s trolls, though, actually — Shit, they’re in, they’re in!”
???: “[garbled] yeah, I’m in! Hahaha, bitchin’! Hey, lil D, I got them, I got in to the military! Hey, hey dudes, don’t hang up on me, okay? I’m not a troll, I promise, but we could really use your help!”
MAJOR: “How did you get into this channel?”
???: “By virtue of being a fucking badass, is how! Hey, listen, though, okay, I’m Rachel Lalonde, me and my sis and D-Strides Big’n’small here are holed up at the mall with a bunch of other survivors, we’re armed, and we got a plan that we think’ll really put a damper in these invading bastards’ day, but we need your help, alright?”
MAJOR: “How do we know we can trust you?”
LALONDE: “Thats…probably a pretty fair question. Okay, listen, how bout we meet up in person so you can see we really are human, huh? You guys can pick the place, it’ll be just me and D-Stri. But we gotta move today, is the thing, so it’s gotta be quick!”
???: “C’mon, Ray, let me come too, I can help —”
STRIDER: “No. We need you here. Let Rachel finish talking.”
MAJOR: “…Let me get my superiors on the phone.”
STRIDER: “There’s no time. We need to meet up in an hour at most.”
MAJOR: “……………Very well. In front of the Levi’s, then. Just you two.”
LALONDE: “You got it, dude! We’re gonna own the FUCK outta these trolls. Gonna send them scrambling away with their tails between their legs.”
(Letter sent secretly to human troops)
“Okay, okay first of all I hope you’re fucking happy how much work I had to put into learning to write in your language for this, sorry if my spelling is bad or something or whatever but listen, I know this is going to sound like the most obvious trap ever, but I SWEAR it isn’t. I’m a troll, no, don’t throw the letter away, sit your ass right back down. I’m a troll, a follower of the teachings of one we call the Signless, which is going to mean approximately jack all to you I know but what that means is that basically I’m on your side, as are a bunch of other trolls with me. We’re rebels, some working to sabotage from within, but some (like me) are prepared to actually physically help you guys, we can upgrade your weapons and tech and shit a bit so you have a better chance of keeping up enough to drag this out as long as possible.
We need a few sweeps, see, before we can ensure that we can protect you guys. There’s a new heir to the throne, but she’s not old enough to challenge the Condesce yet. When she does, though, she’s already said she plans on ending this war and seeking peace with you humans. She likes the way your planet looks a lot, as well as your people, and she’s big on protecting shit and blah blah blah, the point is, we can help you, but you gotta let us first.
I’ve enclosed our coordinates on the back of this letter. We’ll be waiting there. Please don’t shoot us.”
(Entry of the diary of Rachel Lalonde)
“Shit, those trolls are not giving up. I’m exhausted, and I look like a dang balloon, I mean cripes, how many kids are even in there?
Worst possible timing, too. I should be out fighting, but I’m stuck inside with kid number two on the way.
Speaking of kid number one, though, Dirk’s three years old today. Be nice if his father could be assed to try to celebrate, but whatever. I kinda worry a little that maybe we only started this family out of spite, like as a way to flip off Her Imperial Whatsit by continuing on our species or whatever. Shoulda thought it through a little more. I mean, Christ, I’m 21 and I’m on kid number two, talk about your bad fucking ideas.
I worry that Derek doesn’t even love me the way I love him, honestly. I’m not sure he really loves anyone, to be truthful, but like. He might just be gay?? I ain’t got the guts to bring that up with him, though, he’d probably run me through right there if I tried to suggest it, but. Still. Then again, after losing his lil bro earlier this year, maybe I shouldn’t be surprised.
God, I can’t believe he’s gone, still. RIP, Davey. :(
Eurgh, worst part of getting knocked up again is having to lay off the booze, though. I’m twenty one, in a soul-crushing war trying to save all of humanity, and I can’t even drink. Such bullshit, man.
Happy birthday, Dirk. Love ya. Hope your little bro or sis hurries the fuck up so I can walk without looking like an incoming iceberg.”
(Translated transmission sent out to all trolls at 0413 hours GMT)
ALERT: ALL FIGHTERS ARE TO CEASE IMMEDIATELY AND REPORT TO THE NEAREST SHIP. LEAVE ANY SKIRMISHES AT ONCE.
(Translated transmission sent out to all trolls at 0612 hours GMT)
ALERT: THE EMPRESS HAS FALLEN. ALL HAIL HER NEW IMPERIAL CONDESCENSION, FEFERI PEIXES. MAY HER RULE BE LONG AND BOUNTIFUL.
(Transmission to humans from rebel troll party to their human contacts at the UN)
TROLL REBEL LEADER: We did it!!! Congratulations, motherfuckers, the old hag’s dead! Feferi’s ready to talk to you whenever, she says. Just let us know!
(excerpts from front page Newspaper article)
INTERPLANETARY PEACE OFFICIAL
The UN officially announced that peace negotiations with Her Imperial Condescension were a success, today. The young Alternian Empress has promised that she has no intention of attempting to conquer Earth, and hopes to undo much of the wrongs her predecessor caused both to Earth and other planets. She has also stated that she hopes that communications between Alternia and Earth can begin in earnest, and would like to someday be allies and trading partners.
Those who fought against the Alternian invasion are to be honored in coming days. Foremost among those to be honored are the increasingly notorious triad of Derek Strider and Rachel and Ramona Lalonde, who became quite infamous over radio stations as a result of their own hodgepodge resistance, formed the same year the invasion began. The youngest of the three (Derek and Rachel, now 22 and 23, respectively) were in high school when the invasion hit. Despite this, they have been incredibly successful in their heroic efforts to protect the planet. Rachel Lalonde, when given the news, responded cheerfully that she is glad to be able to spend more time on “taking care of all these dang kids I have running around.” Ramona Lalonde and Derek Strider were unavailable for comment.