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EVERY MACDENNIS FIC EVER

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Mac is sitting behind the bleachers with Charlie. This is where they hang out because they never go to class, despite having somehow graduated from high school by the end of the fic. Also, they do like, a shitload of drugs back here without getting caught. That is, if a shitload of drugs implies weed and only weed. Despite being the Official School Drug Dealer, this seems to be the only drug that Mac carries at any given point in time. Mac and Charlie are smoking The Weed in a friendly and very aesthetic sort of way.

Because he knows Mac is in possession of The Weed, Dennis approaches Mac and Charlie one day. He is a fucking loser who is all by himself. Dennis is very Sad because of Mental Illness and possibly because he is unpopular, though of course he is totally in denial.

“Hey, can I have The Weed?” asks Dennis. He is, of course, totally inexperienced with Drugs.

“Only if I can rip you off and make you hang out with me,” replies Mac. He suddenly realizes that Dennis is the most beautiful man he has ever seen in his entire life. Dennis’s curls shine in the sunlight and he’s not awkward and gangly at all, don’t picture the actual teenage pictures of Glenn Howerton, really, Don’t.

“I am totally willing to be ripped off but not because I am Sad and a fucking loser who sits by myself,” replies Dennis. He sits down to smoke The Weed and magically Charlie disappears into thin air. From then on, Dennis is Mac’s best friend forever and always.

“You should light my joint while it’s in my mouth for The Aesthetic,” says Mac. Dennis’s eyes gleam magically when the lighter flicks on. They are very deep and Mac’s heart thumps but not like in a gay way, no sir, because Mac is not and has never been gay. He certainly is not Conflicted or In Denial.

After Dennis smokes The Weed, he says, “We should talk about something Deep, like God or something.”

“I believe in God,” says Mac. “Especially the part where he hates all gay people.”

“I don’t believe in God,” says Dennis. It’s beautiful and mysterious and Naughty because Mac has never heard of atheism before or something. “I am God,” he adds for good measure. Mac’s heart thumps because blasphemy is incredibly sexy.

“You’re going to hell,” says Mac, but like, in an awed sort of way. Dennis is not offended at all and this is really sexy too. In fact, this leads Dennis to kiss Mac that very day in a totally heterosexual way like heterosexual friends do all the time, especially when they are two dudes.

***

It’s prom night now and Mac is super mad because Dennis dared to bring a date to prom that was a girl. He has drunk a lot of alcohol and decided that it’s Fuckin Time. Somehow Dennis has disappeared but his date is in the wide open. Mac sidles up to her and says, “Hey, we should bang.”

Dennis’s nameless date is Mad because he has been ignoring her all night like the true douchebag he is. Mac bangs her in a broom closet and it sucks because he is gay. He also imagines banging Dennis the entire time and maybe says his name a little bit when he nuts inside Dennis’s date. Then Dennis’s date disappears into the night, never to be seen or heard from again. Girls are conveniently disposable that way.

Soon after, Dennis realizes that someone slept with his prom date. He is Angry and it is Scary but not so scary that he is Entirely Unmanageable and can’t be cured with a good hug.

“I fucking hate all girls,” he says and then he cries on Mac’s shoulder. Mac hugs him back.

“Tim Murphy slept with her,” he lies on this very day despite him actually not lying about this until Underage Drinking: A National Concern.

This of course leads to Mac and Dennis having sex on prom night in Dennis’s bedroom. They also cuddle in the naked way. In the morning, they pretend it never happened, because it is exactly that easy to ignore having had sex with someone, especially gay sex in the early 90s.

***

It’s the night before Dennis goes off to college and the entire gang is at Dennis’s house. They are all drunk and high on something or other. Dee and Charlie are there but they are somewhere offstage, probably hugging and talking about how they always get shafted in these sorts of fics. Dee, of course, is going off to college too, but Juggernaut Slash reigns supreme so here the drama centers on Mac and Dennis and pining and loneliness and stuff.

“I’m sad that you’re going off to college so you can replace me with a bunch of girls,” says Mac. He reaches out to hold Dennis’s hand in a very heterosexual way. Dennis leans his head on Mac’s shoulder and it is also very heterosexual.

“Don’t worry. I’m going to suffer in college and miss you the entire time,” says Dennis.

“Maybe I should check on you every five minutes while you are gone,” says Mac.

“That’s a great idea because I’m definitely going to call you drunk and high due to my extreme college suffering,” says Dennis.

“I would be disappointed if you didn’t,” says Mac.

They fall asleep on each other in an entirely heterosexual way.

FIN