Work Header

What Not to Wear

Work Text:

Kakakaka...That was supposed to be Lalalala...but I'm alrady drunk adn this is sillya nd it's onyly going ot get sillier. Esepciallly sicne I already can;'t tell when my writing is goijng toh the next line and need to keep catching pu towhat I alredy have typed.

BOoze i am your bitch. Yes.

Okay story now.

Harry Potter was sitting in the Leaky Cautldron, getting properly wasted and anejoyoing=enjoying his lovely lovely firewhisky. He was wearing his regular off-duty lothes: traners, djeans and a comfortable old tshirt htat said GRYFFINDORS RULE. He felt pretty good and was content to just drink and relzx as he waited for ron nad hermione to show pu for rtheir weekly hnight out. Little did he know...

"Harry Oopotter?"

The voice behind him was loud, american, feminine, nasal and gratogn. He turned, grimacing.


"I'm stacy, and this is Clinton—"

The man whom she introuced as Clinton looked suspiciously like Snape. sounded like him too. THere's no way he culd ahve been another american named CLINTON.

"And we're from TLC's WHAT NOT TO WEAR," drawled clinton-snape.

The other patrons of the Leaky Cauldron bursth into applaus.e/

Because Harry's sense of fashion wasthtat bad.

"Fuck off, shape, " harry said. "I thought youwere dead, and that weas a little sad, but mostly alright.

"Snape? What are you talking about harry?"
Stacy said, just as nasal and annoying as before.

Harry sighed.

"Get lost."

Stacy pouted. "But we're here hto help you! "
She said.

THe snape-clintonsaid, "Clealry, he doesn't midn looking like he was dressed by trolls."

Harry looked down.

"Trolls don't wear even this much," he said. "And at least htese clothes fit."

"You call that "fitting?""

Harry gave him the disde-eye. "Id you ever see me at the end of a summer? Those close ddint' fit."

"I've never seen you in the flesh, Harry pootter," snpa-clinton said.

Harry smirked. "yet."

Stacy was pouting some more and had clearly ordered more booze from Tom the barkeep. But, being a Muggle (even if she can work magic with fashion), she was getting Jameson. Or Glenlivet. Something liek that. Actually, it was a Firewhiskey for Harry, a Jameson for herself, and a Galliano for Snape. Because as some of our friends have pointed, out, Aspenlgiht taught us tha t Snaepey likes things that taskte like licorqice.

Aspenlight likes to write the not-Adult!fic, so she doens't mentiont hat Snapey also likes the atste of come. Cum. Whatever. He likes the stuff that comes out of penises when blokes orgasem. *nods*

But Stacy and Snape-clinton were not interestee d yet in seeting Harryin ithe buff. Well. Maybe they were. but thyey weren't saying because they dneeeeded to give him RULES aobu thwat not to wear an what he is allowed ot wear.

He was still asllowed to wera denims, but they needed to make his ass look hot. And he wasn't allwoed to wear trainers anymore. Because those aren't dope, they just make him look like a dope who needs to run awya.

"pootter," Snape said, "you don't need ot look ready to run awya. you are a gryffondorl and a hero. bad guys run rom YOU."

Harry croseed his arms. "I liek my trainers,
" he saood.

Snape and stayc gave a very long-suffering sigh. Becuas that's what they do whnre confronted iwth Harry Potter's fashion sense.

Hrry looked at Stacy.
"dont you jknow thatis this is tha wizarding world? where are your robes? don't you know that here at the Leaky Cautldron, Muggle clothese are WHTA NOT TO EWAR???"

Stacy growled. She really did. She was not imprese.d

Snape-clinton grwoled too. He, however, wa sa bit turned on by Harry's confident standing up ror hismelf.

Well slet s see what you've got, Potter," he said. "yOu need to wear clothest and robes that flatter your body, but also look liek the rather impressive young man everyoone expects you to be. Ant ehat you are," he added, but he seemd to be choking on the words of praise. Snapae didn't give praise easiluy, but the producers of hte showe insisted that he give CONSTRUCTIVE criticism dammit, and make people foees feele like they can accomplish good fashion.

At leaset thaose producers had let him finally take his work ot he bloke inthe Wizarding world who most needed their help. Hary pooter was, as they sayed in the Us, a Hot Mees.s. Hot Mess. Yes. He was.

Also hot. But Snaep-clinton didn not need to say that aout loud. nope. He oculd hkeep it to himslef. maybe. if satacy let him.

Speaking of Sgtacey:

"Madame malekinds?" she way was saying. "From FINVE sieasons ago? What is wrong wiht you? and the pants. they are too tight."

:RTOUASERS." Said Snap-eclinton. "In the UK we call them TROUSERS. Pandts are what's underneath."

He saw Potter blush. "what is it Potter?" he asked.

"Patnts are nto what I wera notunderneeth." said Potter.

Shnoape-CLinton blushed too.

"Cp,,, Commando, is it?" He said, smirking through his blush. Like he does, but beccause he's snapey. Snapesys like to smirk. Even when gpretending to be a gay stylikest fromt he US.

)Npte: is clinton kelly gay? Help me wikioedia, you're my only hope!" YES: "Kelly is married to Damon Bayles. They were married in 2009 at their home in Connecticut.[2" yaya for cutting abd tpasteing. SO I can makeSnape=clinton gay and a fashion stylist and icon of taste. So there. because it's not stretching the verisimilitude (yay i tupeseedd that correctly!) too much to amke thim gay. I'm already expecting too much of you buygsuys by merging clinton kelly with severus snape. Rightr? Do you buy it?)_

I shoudl have merged Draco and Clinton. Much more dbelibeieveable. Except I really wanted snepate to end up fucking harry. except ti deossnot seem to be goign there yet. and htis is realy really late into my drinking. Like rth rest of youalll ahave submitted your stories already and I'm stll trying to sstay stipsy enough to get a story out. Le sigh.

Anyway. Snpae-clinton had only a littel problem with how tight Potters' troushers were. THe problem was that it loked like Harry had a permanent sewedgie. And that was...

it was a ltitle attractive, honeslty. but only fro the gayest of hte gay bclibus. liek the ones where you realy only go hto hook up and have sex/ And with eh ttrousers bueing as tight as they were, Snape-clintueon understaoned whsy Harry Potoer woud not wear pants. THey woeuld be veyr uncumfoertable and alos interfere with the lijneof the teousrer.

Maybe Pooter had a sentse of fashoin after all.

"Pooter. Oppeter. POTTER.' Snape had a hard time gettin tg the wrodse out—he was tongue-tied by the idaea of Poters gooing gommeando. Yummy tpantsless potter. "What is your aobjective with this outfit?"

Potter gave hikm a asucay look. "wahat do you think, professor?" he siad.

Nape-clinton blushed. again. Damne potter for making him blush so much. It really didn't dlook bgood wiht his sallow skin. Not even carmidny coudl dsave him. Lver problems afetr all. One does tend ot drink aa lot whn one is ain servoce to teh Dark Lord and Dumbledore. causes liver and lvoer problems. See? *nods* you can learna lto form typos.

What anesoape-clinton tbought was that Harry Potter was flirting wiht him and deserved a spanking.

"you are tryin to be a sexy sauchy mink," he said to Potter. "bu youare failing. Maybe we should buy you a mink waistacoat or somthing."

"SHUT UP!" sai d satacey. "YOu did nto just suggest that!" she looked horrified.

Snaepe-clinton couldnt' help but htink of what potter woudl looke liek in only his jeans adn a mink waistcoat. no pants. Maybe some motorcycle boots. mmm, yes, he'd look tasty like. that. But Even better:

"And some leather torusers. colorful ones, too—you're too young to dress drably."

potter lauhted. "Youre right." hwe said. "why not orange to go with my favoroite chudley cannon's teeshirt."

stacy threw up a little in her mouth.

"no," said snpape=clinton. "emerald leather trousers to match your eyes. And the mink waistcoat—in black or what. white. andt ehy then we go dancing. and fuck liek bunnies. er, puffskeins."

Harry blushedbut grined. Not as much as Stayc ecgrinned, thought.


Stacy!" snape-clington said. "I won't fuck him while he's still af ashion distaster with the male eeuqiivalent of a camel-toe. We meed tp goet him to a store where he can get ktted out like a sex hkitten, and then go to a club with a nece iset of back rooms adn tTHEN I fuck him. "

"Sounsds like a plan," potter said.

"Indeed," snape-clinton drawled in his best creepy-rpreofessor voice. YOu know. Alan rickamant-sstyle.

And so they ddid.


sorry that I coudlnt' figure out howto transition itno pron. Just imagine Stacys cherrying them on. *nods* cheering, too.