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I.

Yuuri and Victor return from their second honeymoon, comfortably retired, and relaxed from the two month long trip around the world.

It’s barely eight in the morning, and Victor has already had his breakfast and gone on his morning run, which leaves him to stare at Yuuri and wait for him to finish doing his yoga.

He’s not allowed to touch or bother Yuuri when he’s running through his yoga routine. Victor hates that he can’t touch when Yuuri is just within arm’s reach, but he still sits on their couch, every day and watches, because how could he not .

“Yuuri,” he whines, trying not to sound too desperate, and missing by a mile or two, but, well, who can really blame him when Yuuri is just there and looking so positively delectable with the leggings that hug his thighs and ass, and the shirt that has grown one size too small and keeps climbing up his stomach, teasing Victor with just a peek at Yuuri’s belly button.

“Ten more minutes,” Yuuri says, changing position into something that spreads his legs wide and bends his body in half.

Victor decides he must’ve done something wrong in his life to deserve this kind of torture.

“The world is cruel, Makkachin,” he tells his dog seriously, rubbing behind his fluffy ears, before going back to his favorite morning program, just in time for Yuuri to twist himself into a complicated position.

Victor lasts exactly two minutes in silence before he tries again.

“Yuuri,” he coaches, using that tone. The one that made Yuuri perform Eros for him, the one that convinces Yuuri into stepping into a lingerie shop or into trying something new.

Yuri has fondly titled it his thirsty ass bitch voice.

“You’re just making this harder for yourself,” Yuuri points out. “And we can’t be late for picking up Minami-kun from the airport. It’s his first time in Russia, and switching coaches is already jarring enough. We should be there when his plane lands.”

“I can’t ravish my beautiful husband because we have to pick up the boy who has a crush on him. What has my life come to? What did I do to deserve such a cruel and unusual punishment?” Victor intones, pulling out his phone and opening up Twitter for a distraction. He’s only human after all, and there’s only so much he can take before he starts begging.

“Minami-kun doesn’t have a crush on me.”

Victor stops writing their hashtag in the search bar to stare incredulously at his husband. Even after all this time, Yuuri remains oblivious.

“Yuuri, one time you smiled at him, and he started crying and thanking you for blessing him.”

“He has allergies, he was thanking me for the giving him a tissue.”

Victor sighs, because he knows how hopeless it is, and turns his attention back to his phone, sending out a thought for all the suffering Minami will have to endure while under Yuuri’s tutelage.

He scrolls through people begging for his attention, a respectable amount of memes of him that somehow always end up being about how much someone could love their partner, or being Extra and gay.

Victor does commend himself on excelling in all of those areas.

But of course he also stumbles onto the not so fun tweets, the ones laced with malice and disgust.

Now, Victor has been famous for a very long time. He’s thick skinned and he knows how worthless those comments are, so he has built a pretty high tolerance to bullshit.

Somehow, though, even after being with Yuuri all these years, he must admit he might not have developed the ability to let remarks regarding Yuuri go so easily.

 

Ice Ice Daddy @nikiforlove 2d

lmao is it just me or has @katsukiyuuri become fugly as hell in his retirement?? he better shape up or @v-nikiforov is gon be filing for divorce real soon :’) #victuuri

 

Vitya is bae @vityaisbae 3d

@v-nikiforov lmao get @katsukiyuuri some maternity pants or smth, with that fuckin belly how far along do y’all think he is #victuuri

 

#lovewins @starqueer 5d

@v-nikiforov plz post pics of ur honeymoon my crops are Dying #victuuri

            Rasputin @gaynikiforov 5d

            @starqueer lmao must be hard taking good pics when ur hubby only has bad angles especially with how fat @katsukiyuuri has gotten ew

            #lovewins @starqueer 5d

            @gaynikifov you’re fuckin nasty no one asked for ur prejudiced opinion bitch

Victor looks in mild disgust at his phone, before closing the app and opening the camera on it, pointing it expertly at Yuuri and snapping away.

“What are you doing?” Yuuri asks, side-eyeing him as he bends his arms behind his back, legs stretched into a perfect split.

“Delivering justice onto this cruel and unusual world.”

“Whoever trashed me on social media is not worth it, Vitya.”

Victor huffs, and opens up a picture editing app on his phone.

STARTER PACK TO DEALING W/ UR BEAUTIFUL HUSBAND DOING MORNING YOGA , he types out, clicking on his trusty friend Google Images in search of the perfect pictures. Selecting the ones that resonate with his soul and quickly putting them together.

He then scrolls through the pictures he took of Yuuri and picks the best ones, preparing to post them to Instagram.

“I’m done. I’m taking a quick shower and then we’re going.”

Victor hums distractedly in acknowledgment, squinting down at the keyboard on his phone for an appropriate caption.

He goes with the classic “so blessed, so moved, I can’t believe this is my life” followed by what is probably an illegal amount of heart emojis, and certainly an illegal amount of tags professing his undying love for his husband.

With a satisfied hum he presses post and then double checks if his notifications are off.

Once more justice was brought to the world through Victor’s passive aggressive pettiness and Yuuri’s existence.

“There better not be any pictures of me on the Internet!” Yuuri yells from the bathroom.

Victor shall face his punishment like a soldier. He just saved lives here. That poor person’s crops were dying, and he’s pretty sure he just staved off famine for their whole family.

He’s doing the lord’s work. Yuuri should appreciate that more.

 

II.

Minami’s crush on Yuuri hasn’t waned any since the very first time Victor saw the kid skate. He still faces his idol with a trembling eagerness that Victor is amused by, he still looks at his Yuuri like he single-handedly makes the earth go ‘round, and he still makes Yuuri slightly uncomfortable.

Yuuri’s not used to receiving devotion like this. Well, he’s become used to Victor’s brand of devotion, but they’re married and Yuuri adores him just as much.

His Yuuri has no clue what to do with the kid, he’s probably regretting his decision of training him while his coach was on maternity leave right about now, if the way he keeps glancing completely lost at Victor is any indication.

Even more amusing is how Yuri has no idea how to deal with Minami, since Minami seems impervious to his insults and pours compliments on him like it’s second nature to him.

Victor is pretty sure Yuri has begrudgingly sworn to murder anyone who hurts Minami. It’s a weird friendship to witness, and one that is totally unexpected in some ways, but Victor is nothing if not a supportive coach/paternal-big brother figure.

Yuuri puts his hand on Minami’s shoulder and tries to smile at him. Minami screeches.

Victor leans back against his seat on the bleachers, watching all of this unfold with quiet amusement, admiring his soft Yuuri in his thick sweater try to get past the layers of adoration to give Minami any kind of actual coaching, and Yuri running through his new program almost effortlessly, avoiding Yuuri’s side of the rink.

Victor’s absorbed enough in his Yuuri and everyone that orbits around him that he doesn’t really pay attention to the chatter of a couple sitting a couple rows above him. Well he didn’t, until he hears Yuuri’s name being mentioned.

“It’s just such a shame Katsuki let himself go like this. I can’t believe Victor let it get to… that .”

“So much for the skating world’s very own power couple, huh?”

Victor’s eye twitches.

He’s a graceful man. He’s polite, charming . He has been toe-to-toe with the ISU officials and came out on top just by smiling in the right way.

So he turns and smiles, charmingly .

“Are you talking about my Yuuri?”

They startle, and Victor can see them physically try to backpedal out of this conversation. He can see excuses and deflections forming on the tip of their tongues, and he’s quick to cut that off.

“He is beautiful today, isn’t he? I picked that sweater myself, do you like it? Oh, he put up a bit of a fuss when I picked it out. He doesn’t really like being spoiled, you know. But I really can’t help myself, after all he is a three times Grand Prix gold medalist, a four time world champion and a three time Four Continents champion, not to even mention his silver at the Olympics.” He’s smiling so hard his eyes squint into dangerous slits. “When you’ve been happily and successfully married for as long as I have to someone as wonderful as Yuuri old habits die hard. Oh, but you must understand, since you think yourselves free to judge my Yuuri, yes?”

He’s met with silence and stunned expressions.

Well, he did always enjoy surprising an audience.

“We- we didn’t-“

“-think?” he guesses. “Hmm, yes I don’t think you did, but then again I doubt you’re in the habit of it, so I can’t help but forgive you,” he sighs, dramatically.

“Victor,” a familiar voice calls out, demanding his attention. “Can you come here for a moment?”

Victor doesn’t bother turning back towards those awful people, striding towards his Yuuri with a soft smile.

“Yes, love?”

Yuuri squints at him a little bit, looking over his shoulder. His eyebrows raise in a silent question. Victor shakes his head minutely, dismissing it.

“Help me polish Minami’s program.”

“Of course,” he says easily, and kisses Yuuri’s cheek.

Minami meeps and turns a worrying shade of red. Yuri yells at them to stop being disgusting.

 

III.

Victor wonders if people just assume he’s going deaf with age, since everyone seems to assume he can’t hear them .

“I give it a year before they divorce. There’s no way Victor Nikiforov would maintain a relationship if the sex isn’t good, and with how Katsuki has gotten…”

Victor just wanted to grab morning breakfast for his husband and the two young skaters they’ve impromptu adopted. He just wanted to have a quiet morning.

“Poor Victor. It must suck having to put up with that.”

Victor pays for his food, and heads towards the door. He’s going to let this one go. He can’t keep picking fights, Yuuri warned him.

“I know! It’s like he hasn’t aged a single day. I wonder what he uses to get his skin to look like that.”

But then again Yuuri isn’t here, and what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Victor can’t let go of an opening that perfect.

“I find that letting my medalist husband fuck me against a wall every other day does wonders for my complexion.” He gives them a wink and touches his finger to his lips cheekily, before leaving the shop and heading to the rink.

He kisses his Yuuri on the cheek, and gives him his tea when he makes grabby hands at it.

“Took you a bit longer today. Ran into trouble?” he asks, humming around the rim of his travel mug.

“Ah, not at all, just a big queue.”

Yuuri raises an eyebrow, squinting a little at him.

Victor looks away, calling out to Minami and Yuri to come get their breakfast. Technically, their second breakfast, since neither Yuuri nor Yakov let their skaters on the rink without a proper meal first.

Yuri smirks as he takes his travel mug away from Victor. “You’re in trouble,” he says, pleased.

“I’ve done nothing wrong. Ever. In my life . I don’t know why I would be in trouble, Yurio. Do you Minami?”

“Um,” Minami says uncomfortably, glancing at Yuuri. “No?”

Victor’s eyebrows tick upwards.

“Maybe next time you shout the nasty shit you and Katsudon do on your own time, don’t let someone film it and put it on the internet, moron.”

Victor opens his mouth. Closes it.

Minami flushes, eyes fleeting to Yuuri every second or so as his cheeks get progressively redder.

Yuri smirks and tips his travel mug towards him like he’s toasting to Victor’s misfortune.

Victor turns slowly. Yuuri is still squinting at him.

Oh no .

“I can explain?”

Yuuri raises his eyebrows.

“I can’t wait to hear it.”

 

IV.

Here’s the thing: Victor is obsessed with Yuuri’s thighs.

It all started the very first time he noticed Yuuri, when he was dazzling an entire room with his pole dancing technique, strong thighs wrapped around the pole as he held himself there by them. Victor’s obsession only increased as he coached Yuuri, and then escalated to dangerous levels when he was allowed to touch, to wrap his fingers around them and squeeze , to mark them, to have them wrapped around his waist or bracketing his head.

The thing about Yuuri’s thighs is that for most of the time Victor has been with him, Yuuri has had the body of an athlete. His thighs could probably break a watermelon with all the physical conditioning he put himself through. But now Yuuri doesn’t need to keep his competitive figure skater body, which means his thighs have gone soft, and it’s like Victor is rediscovering them all over again.

To say that he’s obsessed with the way his fingers sink into the forgiving flesh would be a bit of an understatement.

“Victor,” Yuuri says with a sigh, fingers clamping around Victor’s hand on his thigh. “We’re having dinner.”

“I wasn’t doing anything,” he pouts, experimentally wiggling his fingers. Yuuri tightens his hold and drops Victor’s hand in his own lap. “So mean, Yuu ri .”

Come have dinner with us , they said. It’ll be fun , they said. I’ll make sure Victor behaves , they said.” Yuri glares at both of them. “Aren’t you too old for this shit? Shouldn’t you be tired of each other by now, or something?”

“Ah, Yura! Love fuels you beyond your body’s limitations! You’ll know when you fall in love.”

Yuri gags. “Sounds fucking disgusting.”

Yuuri huffs a laugh into his hand, the corners of his eyes crinkling up.

Victor wonders if he could coach him into a quickie in the bathroom or not.

He edges his fingers back towards Yuuri’s thigh. Yuuri smacks him lightly.

Probably not, then.

Victor sighs and puts his hand on top of the table.

“Don’t pout,” Yuuri tells him, squeezes his knee reassuringly.

“I’m not,” Victor pouts.

“I don’t get it,” Minami whispers, staring intensely at Victor’s hand.

Victor is concerned for this child.

Yuri stares at Minami for three solid seconds. “I’m gonna tell him,” he announces.

“Don’t you dare,” Yuuri says, and by the way Yuri winces, he just got kicked under the table.

Victor grins and puts an arm over the back of Yuuri’s chair, gently rubbing his knuckles against his arm.

“Listen to your father, Yura.”

“He’s not my dad!”

Yuuri smacks him lightly on the chest. “Stop antagonizing him.”

Victor grins, leans over to kiss his cheek. “Yes, dear.”

“You act like their son a little bit though,” Minami chimes in. “Or at least, their younger brother. It’s cute!”

“You shut the fuck up!”

Yuuri sighs and leans back against Victor’s arm. “Why is a quiet dinner out too much to ask?”

“Aw, my poor Yuuri,” Victor coos. “Do you want me to comfort you?” He trails his fingers up his shoulder, over the sensitive dip of his neck, feather light. Yuuri squeaks and Victor suddenly finds himself a lot wetter.

He spits out the little bit of water that had gotten into his mouth, and turns to stare at Yuri standing over him with an upturned glass of water.

“You looked thirsty,” Yuri says, coolly.

“Thanks, Yurio.”

“I think the table in front of us recorded that,” Yuuri sighs. “It’s going to be all over the internet.”

“Victor is always all over the internet, being thirsty and disgusting.”

“Excuse you, I am married to Katsuki Yuuri and nothing about it is disgusting. I revolutionized ice skating, I’m allowed to be as thirsty as I want.”

“Why are you like this?” Yuuri asks.

“I didn’t do anything!” Minami pipes up. “I’m behaving.”

Yuuri sighs again, a longer one, and then spares a fond smile towards Minami. “Thanks, Kenjirou-kun.”

Minami screeches.

 

V.

Victor’s impulse control, historically, isn’t the best. He’s known to do whatever he wants without really considering the full consequences of his actions, and to hell with it.

Yuuri has helped with that a little, because now Victor has to be considerate enough to make sure his impulsive actions won’t upset or hurt Yuuri in any way. He hates seeing Yuuri cry or disappointed. He loathes it when he knows he was the cause of it.

So, he could say that he’s gotten pretty good with impulse control, and after Yuuri gave him his I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed, no wait, I am a little mad look Victor knows better than to go on the internet and publicize their personal lives.

Really, they’ve been married long enough for Victor to have kicked that habit.

Here’s another thing: Victor Nikiforov is drunk right now.

He’s drunk and feeling lonely because Yuuri isn’t awake and he’s not allowed to wake up Yuuri, and so his impulse control isn’t the best, and Victor definitely shouldn’t pick up his phone and open Twitter.

So, he picks up his phone and opens Twitter.

 

Victor Katsuki @v-nikiforov 10m

Tfw when you’re husband is asleep and you feel lonely L

            Chu Chu @phichitchu 8m

            lmao why don’t u answer some questions to distract yourself #askdrunkvictor

            Victor Katsuki @v-nikiforov 5m

            How did u kn now im  drink?? but okay ask me question #askdrinkvictor

            Victor Katsuki @v-nikiforov 3m

            Alas how did you get here so fats??

            Chu Chu @phichitchu 1m

            my #victuuri senses were tingling

Victor takes a moment to remind himself that he should never , under any circumstances, piss Phichit Chulanont off, because his revenge would be swift and socially destroy Victor until his dying breath.

 

Katie Kat @theogkatie 5m

#askdrinkvictor what’s your favorite routine?

            Victor Katsuki @v-nikiforov 1m

            Stammer viccino duel

 

Ice Daddy FC @victorisdaddy 8m

#askdrinkvictor Where do you live????? Asking for a friend,,,,,,

            Victor Katsuki @v-nikiforov 2m

            I live in the moment

 

Not Gay @randomwaffles 5m

wut is ur fav skater? #askdrinkvictor love ur skating btw!!! <3

            Victor Katsuki @v-nikiforov 1m

            My husband Katsuki Yuuri<3<3<3<3<3! Where you been these past 1000 years dam

 

Ice Ice Daddy @nikiforlove 18m

omg I love you!!! #askdrinkvictor but aren’t u concerned w/ yuuri like what if he gets so fat he runs out of places to sit

            Victor Katsuki @v-nikiforov 5m

            As long as I have  a face he has a palace to sit, what kinda idiomacy question is this

 

King Katsuki @kingkatsuki 21m

#askdrinkvictor lmao he was hacked or smth there’s no way this is actually victor nikiforov

            Victor Katsuki @v-nikiforov 9m

            First things first I’m the reality

            [image]

            King Katsuki @kingkatsuki 5m

            IM SCREAMIN VICTOR NIKIFOROV ANSWERED MY TWEET!!!!!! IM GONNA THROW UP I LOVE YOUR FACE & HOW U MARRIED THE BEST SKATER IN EXISTENCE

            King Katsuki @kingkatsuki 4m

            also where are u laying down in this selfie #askdrinkvictor

            Victor Katsuki @v-nikiforov 1m

            Contrary to popular believer skaters butts aren’t just french show! They’re also awesome pillows!!!!

 

#victuuri is real @victuuriisreal 8m

What is your favorite thing about Yuuri?? #askdrinkvictor

            Victor Katsuki @v-nikiforov 4m

            His wholesome existence

 

ohshitwhattup @datsk8terboi 12m

ur skating is a++++. What’s ur fave meme tho? #askdrinkvictor

            Victor Katsuki @v-nikiforov 6m

            Your words can’t hurt me these shades are Gucci

            Victor Katsuki @v-nikiforov 4m

            Also #wastehistime2016 and when people turn Yurio, son why are you like this Plisetsky into an angry cat meme

 

gays on ice @skatingnerd 6m

#askdrinkvictor have you seen this video of yuuri in college https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdiGBI6yngw

            Victor Katsuki @v-nikiforov 4m

            Tit isn’t available in my country??

            Chu Chu @phichitchu 3m

            lmao check ur messages I’ll hook you up

            Victor Katsuki @v-nikiforov 1m

            I OWE YOU MY LIFE

 

boys kissing @yaoilover87 13m

what’s your favorite sex position #askdrinkvictor

            Victor Katsuki @v-nikiforov 6m

            Slave squatting

 

Russians Do It Better @katrina-f 24m

What’s your favorite food? #askdrinkvictor

            Victor Katsuki @v-nikiforov 15m

            I’m quite fondle of Japanese cousin

            Christophe Giacometti @chriscometti 10m

            I thought Swiss was your favorite :((

            Victor Katsuki @v-nikiforov 8m

            Japanese fills me up better

            Chu Chu @phichitchu 7m

            yuuri likes thai :3c

            Christophe Giacometti @chriscometti 5m

            I guess we have that in common ;)))

            Plisetsky @therealyuriplisetsky 3m

            STOP BEING NASTY YOU FUCKING GEEZERS

            Victor Katsuki @v-nikiforov 2m

            yura prefers khaz cuisine

            Plisetsky @therealyuriplisetsky 1m

            FUCK OFF

“Victor,” Yuuri mumbles. “I can’t feel my butt.”

Victor throws his phone to the side, hearing it bounce on the bed, and lifts himself up.

Yuu ri.”

Yuuri grunts and turns on his back, wincing slightly. Victor plops himself down on him, rubbing his cheek against his soft tummy before peppering it with kisses.

“I missed you.”

Yuuri’s hand finds his hair and starts petting gently.

“Victor I need to pee.”

 

+ I.

“Is this really necessary?” Victor whines, shifting uncomfortably where he’s sitting on the floor.

“Hold the sign higher,” Yuuri commands, snapping another picture.

Victor pouts and holds the sign a little higher.

It says I’M TOO EXTRA AND NOT ALLOWED TO USE SNS FOR A WEEK BECAUSE I KEEP EMBARRASSING MY HUSBAND.

Makkachin is panting happily by Victor’s side. He has a similar sign looped around his neck, but contrary to Victor’s his says I’M A GOOD BOY AND HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG IN MY LIFE, EVER.

Yuuri , are you really taking my phone away?”

“Of course not. What if there’s an emergency? That could be dangerous. But I am changing all your passwords and logging you out of every social network site I can think of.”

“So cruel, Yuuri.”

Yuuri raises an eyebrow, unimpressed, and snaps another picture.

“What am I supposed to do for a week without social media?”

Yuuri takes a minute to look at his phone with a pleased look, before looking down at Victor. “Hmm,” he hums, tapping his phone against his chin mock thoughtfully. “I guess you’ll have to get creative,” he says, and then walks away.

Victor takes two full seconds just blinking after him, before he scrambles to his feet and follows after, plastering himself against Yuuri’s back and slipping his fingers under his shirt.

Somehow, he thinks he’ll survive one week without social media.