Work Header

Two "Sociopaths" and a Hypothetical Death Ray

Work Text:

“I am not a sociopath!”

“Well, your mom never had you tested so you couldn’t be sure.”

John perked up at the word sociopath so he turned his head toward the conversation behind him. He knew Sherlock also listened in although he pretended to investigate the cigarette ash patterns on the table. The first sentence was uttered by a lanky guy wearing multilayered T-shirts (John cringed at the sight of it—even he had standards), the latter sentence was by a nervous guy in glasses.

 “My mom had me tested for a lot of things. She would’ve me tested for sociopathy if she suspected I were one.”

“Perhaps the test didn’t exist back then.”

“Only a fool would trust such a test. I self-diagnosed myself at eight. I’m a highly functioning sociopath.”

John was not surprised. Of course Sherlock would butt into a conversation about sociopathy.

“Excuse me! Are you calling my mom a fool? And who’re you anyway? Doctor Phil?” exclaimed the first guy in a high-pitched voice.

Sherlock, being a show-off he always was, rose and went to approach their table. John quickly followed before they were arrested upon their first day arriving in California. He was sure Mycroft’s influence extended across the Atlantic but he was not a big fan of being arrested in every country they visited. It would be an extra insult if he were arrested in the Caltech cafeteria.

“I’m Sherlock Holmes, the one and only consulting detective. I’m calling you and your mom fools for trusting such tests. I don’t know who Doctor Phil is but I’m sure he is a fool as well.”

“I’m not a fool. I have two PhDs and I bet my IQ is higher than yours.”

“Your behaviours tell me otherwise. Your name is Sheldon Cooper. You used to live with your friend over there but not anymore. Your current and most likely only girlfriend you ever have convinced you to live with her. You still miss your old place but you’re too afraid to tell your girlfriend that. You’re planning to cancel your date night tonight because you want to watch Iron Fist with your friends.”

Both guys were stunned by Sherlock’s rapid fire deductions, even John was surprised. He was used to the usual but he wasn’t sure how Sherlock knew what was on Netflix. He didn’t usually know what was on TV unless John introduced the shows to him.

John smiled nervously. “Please forgive my colleague. He’s exceptionally bright but he doesn’t have a brain-to-mouth filter. He really likes to show off.”

The second guy smiled. “Do join us.” They both complied and sat on the empty chairs. “Oh, can I keep your friend for at least a day? I rarely see Sheldon stunned. I’m Leonard Hofstadter and as your friend said this is my friend and ex-housemate, Sheldon Cooper. We’re both physicists. Mine is experimental while his is theoretical.”

John refrained himself from asking what the differences were. “I’m John Watson, a medical doctor. Just call me John. I help Sherlock in his cases occasionally. Well, if you can stand having body parts in your fridge, listening to violin at 3 am, and getting threatened and kidnapped on weekly basis, then sure, you can keep him.”

Sherlock sighed dramatically. “John, I rarely have body parts anymore since Rosie moved in with us. I used to play violin at nights but I actually care about your daughter sleeping habit so I refrain myself. It’s your own fault to stick to your regular schedule and to wear those jumpers. You make an easy target, much easier than Rosie.”

Leonard shrugged. “Well, can’t be worse than having your housemate’s urine and other bodily fluid in the jars in the refrigerator. He also knocks on my door---yes, he still has the key to my apartment-- at random times at night. I’m not sure about the kidnapping though. But at least you don’t have to drive him anywhere.”

Both Sheldon and Sherlock pouted.

Suddenly Sheldon beamed. “I can see how your reach your deductions, Mr Holmes. You’re certainly very bright. I’d even forgive you for calling me a fool but you really need to apologize about my mom. Nobody insults her but me.”

Sherlock raised an eyebrow. ”Can you? I’m genuinely surprised. You need to tell me your chains of reasoning. I do apologize for calling your mom a fool. I know how bossy Mummies could be.”

John was surprised that Sherlock could actually apologise. Sherlock had certainly gone a long way since he first met him. Or perhaps he just liked to know how a genius thought.  Or he just liked his compliments. Or perhaps he wanted to manipulate Sheldon to do his bidding. He doubted it though, Sherlock was never interested in theoretical physics.

Sheldon rubbed his hands gleefully. “Good, good. Do you know how to build an ultra-sonic blaster?”

“My main interest is in chemistry but I‘ve certainly experimented with ultra-sonic blasters myself. I’ve never built one though.”

John quickly interrupted. “Sherlock, when did you play with blasters and why didn’t I know about it? It could be dangerous to do it in the flat.”

“I know that, John. I read the safety instructions before I dismembered them. I did it when you didn’t live with me so you and Rosie are perfectly safe. Well, relatively, given your penchants to schedules and jumpers.”

John breathed a sigh of relief…until he heard the next sentences.

Sheldon smiled. “Do you want to go to my lab to build one?”

Sherlock nodded. “That’ll be worth my trip here which has been utterly a waste of time so far. John, the killer is the woman in red sitting at the corner there. She poisoned her husband slowly, very slowly. It was easy as she has accesses to all the arsenic in the campus. He’s more prone to the poison as he smoked this brand of cigarette. I come here to pay back Mycroft’s favour for allowing me to visit Eurus. I’ll have a strong discussion with him when I return regarding what constitutes interesting cases.”

Sheldon waited impatiently at the door. “Coming?”

“Yup!” Sherlock popped the p as he left with his coat twirling behind him. John had told him that California was much warmer than England but it was no use. John was sure that Sherlock was psychologically attached to his coat.

“Did your friend just offer to help Sheldon build a death ray?” Leonard asked. “Do you know that Sheldon is one accident away from being a super villain?”

“I’m sure Sherlock will prevent that.” John thought of all the failed experiments back on Baker Street. “Who am I kidding? We’re doomed. Where’s the lab?”

They both quickly ran after their friends.