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"It's Just He's Got A Really Big Dick"

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“So go on, then.” They’re at the pub. Teddy’s Auror colleagues are sitting around James, who is the centre of attention – just as he likes it. “Why are you with Lupin? What’s a famous Quidditch star see in someone like our Ted?”

James grins, high on attention and more beer than he should really have had. He doesn’t usually drink – his club disapproves of it, understandably, so one beer is usually his limit... and he’s on his third. Teddy has vanished to the loo, and soon they’ll be going home together, and with any luck Teddy will fuck him till he can’t remember his own name. And then he’ll get to fall asleep in Teddy’s arms, which is possibly the best thing ever – but there’s no way he’s going to admit to anything as sappy as that.

So he leans back in his seat and says, casually, “Well, you know, he’s a decent person and all, but the truth is, it’s just that he’s got a really big dick.”

There is raucous laughter from the men around him, and then James jumps as a voice says quietly behind him, “James.”

Shit. Teddy.

James plasters a smile on, and turns. Maybe Teddy didn’t hear what he just said. Maybe.

“Hey, Lupin. Looking for me?”

There is a look in Teddy’s eyes which tell James that he heard precisely what James just said. James tries not to look too panicked. Teddy is essentially a private person, and James going around talking about his attributes is not going to make him popular.

“Mm-hm. About time we were going home, d’you think?” Teddy keeps his voice light, and James is pretty sure that the other Aurors won’t have noticed anything amiss.

He rises to his feet. “Sure.” He flashes his most charming smile at the other guys. “Time, gentleman, waits for no man – Teddy can’t wait to get me to himself, you understand.”

“Quite,” Teddy says, his tone dry. James isn’t sure he likes the undertones to that.

There is a chorus of goodbyes. Including (James winces) one “Bye, Dicky… I mean, Teddy,” from Barton, the particularly drunk Auror in the corner. Teddy’s hand tightens, just for a second, on the small of James’s back, but he says nothing and just guides the younger man towards the Floo.

There are a few seconds after they get home when James thinks – hopes – he’s got away with it. That Teddy didn’t overhear, after all, or that he isn’t bothered. He goes to hang his cloak up, and puts Teddy’s away too when the other man hands it to him.

“So,” James says, “I might just head off –”


Fuck, Teddy doesn’t need to do more than just say his name in that tone of voice and James is reduced to a quivering wreck.

“Y– yeah?”

“I’m quite interested to know why you felt the need to publicly embarrass me in front of all of my colleagues,” Teddy says conversationally.

James opens his eyes wide, attempting a look of innocence. “I didn’t...”

“No?” Teddy cocks his head to one side, looking James up and down. “You didn’t tell them all that you’re dating me because – and I quote – I have ‘a really big dick’?”

“Oh.” James bites his lip. “Ah. Well. That.” He hesitates. “At least I didn’t say you had a small one?” he offers, trying for humour.

“Ironically,” Teddy says wryly, “that’d probably have been better. They wouldn’t have teased me for that. This? I’m never going to hear the last of it.”

“Sorry,” James mumbles. “Er, well, if that was it, I think I might...”

“Take your clothes off.”


Whatever James had been expecting, it wasn’t that. He stares at Teddy, who looks back at him dispassionately.

“Now, James. All of them.”

“Erm, okay.”

James is still feeling a bit drunk, but taking off his clothes is generally a good thing. Especially with Teddy. It means sex, and sex with Teddy is amazing. So he clumsily but willingly pulls at his clothes, undressing hastily if not with much panache. It’s unnerving having Teddy just standing there watching him, but hey. Things will work out, James is sure.

He is less sure when he’s standing naked in front of a fully dressed Teddy, who is looking him up and down with a piercing gaze. The erection which had been pushing at his pants as James took them off begins to wilt a little under the scrutiny. Nobody could call James shy with any truth, but there’s something about standing here with Teddy just staring at him which is making him somewhat self-conscious.

Finally, Teddy nods, and goes to sit on the sofa. “Good boy. Now, across my knee.”

He pats his lap, and James looks at him, horrified. Teddy surely doesn’t mean what it sounds like he… does he?

“I… What? Ted?”

Teddy looks at him impassively. “Come on. I’m waiting. You humiliated me. Now it’s my turn. At least I’m doing it in private.”

“You can’t be serious,” James says, a little weakly.

“I’m quite serious.” Teddy gives him a little bit of a smile. “Though I don’t think you’ll mind as much as you think you will, Jamie,” he adds, a deep timbre in his voice which sends little tremors of desire right through James, despite the situation.

“You’re going to –”

“Spank you.” Teddy nodded. “Act like a naughty little boy, and I’ll treat you like one. Come here.”

Hardly able to believe he’s doing it, James walks slowly across to Teddy. Teddy pats his lap again, and James drapes himself over it. Merlin, he hopes Teddy locked the Floo. If anyone came in now, James doesn’t think he’d ever be able to hold his head up again. He’s lying across Teddy’s lap – Teddy’s warm lap, with his gorgeous muscular thighs, James’s subconscious puts in – and it’s quite clear what’s about to happen here.

“Teddy,” he whines, aware that he’s beginning to sound like the naughty little boy Teddy called him, “I said sorry.”

“Mm, but I don’t think you meant it. I think you need a lesson about not commenting on our sex life, don’t you?”

James gives an indignant sniff, and Teddy smacks him sharply across one buttock. The pain is not severe, but it’s embarrassing. James can feel the imprint of Teddy’s palm across his arse, leaving it hot and tender.

“Ouch,” James objects; and Teddy smacks the other side.

The pressure of the blow makes him jerk his hips down into Teddy’s lap, and… ooh, that isn’t entirely an awful feeling after all. Teddy is wearing those nice soft trousers of his, and warmed by Teddy’s skin underneath, they feel good against James’s prick. He wriggles a little closer, and Teddy smacks him again, slightly harder, twice in quick succession.

“James! Behave.”

“That fucking hurt,” James complains.

It is true. The harder smacks were on top of the place he’d already been spanked, and the skin was already a little sore. At the same time, it feels unnervingly good. James had already known he liked it when Teddy bit him when they fucked, the slight edge of pain adding a layer of sensation. This is a different sort of pain, and it is bound up in the humiliation of being naked across his very dressed lover’s lap. But nonetheless, it’s still… yeah.

“Mm,” says Teddy, his voice amused, “I can feel how much you’re hating every second of it.”

James is embarrassed to realise that his cock is starting to swell, even as Teddy spanks him. Teddy slaps his arse again and again, and James begins to shift a little, back and forth, rubbing himself off on Teddy’s lap, until he can barely tell the pain of the smacks from the pleasure of his rapidly hardening prick pressed tightly against Teddy’s thighs. He can also feel the matching bulge beneath Teddy’s trousers; Teddy isn’t entirely indifferent himself.

However, Teddy puts down a hand on the small of James’s back and holds him firmly down, preventing him from continuing to wriggle. James whines in frustration – he was just beginning to get into that.

“This is supposed to be a punishment, James,” Teddy reminds him. “If I just let you get off, how are you going to learn not to do it again?”

“I’ve learned, I’ve learned,” James cries hastily, meaning ‘please let me fuck myself on your lap’.

Unfortunately, it seems that Teddy can hear the subtext, as he gives a little scoffing laugh.

“I don’t think so, sweetheart.”

There is something about being called a pet name whilst bent over your lover’s lap which is exquisitely humiliating. James knows that it shouldn’t turn him on, but at the same time, Teddy is pretty much the only person who would ever treat him like this. Before Teddy, he could find a million and one men who wanted to sleep with Famous James Sirius Potter, Quidditch star, and son of The Saviour of The Wizarding World. None who wanted to have a relationship with ordinary James, who was a bit of an arse and was more likely to burn the toast than make a decent breakfast. Certainly none who would challenge him, expect him to pull his weight, and get over himself.

“Please, Teddy?” he tries.

The firm hand presses down on his back. The other hand continues to work over his arse until it feels as if it is on fire. And it does bloody hurt, too, and James really, really shouldn’t be liking any of this. He is crying out, now, little noises and grunts and groans; he’s not actually sure whether they’re pleasure or pain.

Finally, Teddy stops, and James takes a relieved gasp of air. Teddy strokes the hot skin, and loosens his grip so that James is able to squirm around. Even the stronger blows haven’t stopped James’s cock from getting so hard that he has made a damp spot on the front of Teddy’s trousers, he’s embarrassed to realise. He’s pretty sure he didn’t wet himself, anyway. That would’ve been more embarrassing still.

“’M sorry, Ted,” he says sincerely. “About earlier. I was –”

“Showing off?” Teddy suggests mildly.

“Yeah, maybe,” James mumbles. He squirms again on Teddy’s lap, and Teddy laughs. “Hot,” James adds in explanation, meaning his arse, which is burning.

“I know you are,” Teddy teases.

He leans over and grabs his wand from where he put it on the table by the sofa, conjuring a thick liquid which he massages gently into James’s abused buttocks. It cools and soothes, and feels… bloody amazing, actually, especially as Teddy’s wet fingers slip down into the crack of his arse. James slides his legs further apart, and Teddy makes a little humming noise of amusement and rubs the tip of one finger around James’s hole.

“God, yeah, please,” James groans.

“Learned your lesson, Jamie?”

“Do anything you want. You know that, Ted,” James says, breathless and needy, and speaking nothing but the truth.

Teddy gives a little sigh. “Just… try not to embarrass me in public, yeah? We’re not all superstar show-offs. Some of us like our privacy.” His finger, still slippery with gel, is pushing just the tiniest way into James and James is nearly screaming with frustration at the slowness of it.

“Yeah, yeah, man of mystery, you need your mystique. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I promise, now please Teddy...”

The finger pushes a little further. The gel leaves a tingling sensation inside him. “Good boy,” Teddy teases.

James opens his mouth to say something, but Teddy’s finger begins an inwards and outward movement which makes whatever it is he was going to say – James can’t even remember – come out as an incoherent groan of need. Teddy is too good at this, and James’s arse is both hot from the spanking and cool from the gel, whatever it was. Teddy adds another finger, and then the two of them are pushing and probing and – fuck, there – finding that bundle of nerves inside James’s arse which turn him to a writhing mass of sensation. He knows he is mumbling nonsense, and Teddy finger fucks him with a gentle vigour which starts slowly but moves faster and faster. His fingers are warm and large and James is feeling fuzzy all over, in the sort of way which means that his orgasm is getting closer – is getting –


He comes across Teddy’s lap, panting for breath. As he slowly comes down, and the fuzzy feeling dissipates, he realises that he has practically been spanked into an orgasm, and is now lying across a fully clothed Teddy, arse bare and red, his legs shamelessly apart.

“Oh fuck,” he mumbles, sliding off Teddy’s lap and onto the floor.

The carpet is rough against his abused arse, and he can’t look Teddy in the face.

“Okay, Jamie?” Teddy asks.

“Embarrassed,” James mutters.

“Ah. An uncomfortable feeling, isn’t it?” Teddy says meaningfully. Then he relents, leaning down and pulling James up and against his body. “You’re fucking gorgeous, but you know that, you arrogant sod,” he says lovingly. “Not too sore, baby? You’ll be able to sit a broom at your next training session?”

“Oh, now he asks,” James retorts, finally braving meeting Teddy’s eyes. What he sees there encourages him. Teddy is smiling at him, but not unkindly. There is love shining in his face, as he brings a hand up to caress James’s slightly stubbly cheek.

“Now he asks,” Teddy confirms. He kisses James. “Wanna come to bed?”

James nods. He looks down at the bulge still visible in Teddy’s trousers. “Sounds good. And I think I have a debt to pay back – to someone’s really big dick,” he adds, with a cheeky grin.

Teddy shakes his head. “Looks like I might have to repeat the lesson,” he says faux-wearily.

James thinks about the feeling of being across Teddy’s lap, of Teddy’s big, warm palm hitting his buttocks, pressing his hips down into Teddy’s thighs.

“Looks like you might,” he agrees, and they smile at each other.