“Always for the First Time”
Disclaimer: Avengers, Thor, Loki, etc belong to Marvel, Stan Lee, et co. I make
no money from this and own nothing, don’t sue.
Summary: Written for the 2013 Avengers Fest. Rewinding time is not possible, but do-overs are, sometimes we get another chance to do something right the second time that we got wrong the first time. Loki messing up his own spell made his do-overs possible. Fortunately Tony is there too, for there’s no one else Loki would want to have his second first time with than the man he loves.
Warnings: Slash. Frostiron. Avengers Fest. Memory Loss. Fluff. Pushy Bottom. Bottom!Loki. First Time. Established Relationship. Secret Relationship. Past-Rape. Past Svaðilfari/Loki (as humans, not horses).
Beta: Beloved Uchiha, well half of it was anyway!
A/N: This for Dracavia. I hope you like it, love! I’m sorry it wasn’t as long as I had hoped it would be. Studying and working two jobs really takes it out of a girl!
Rewinding time is not possible, but do-overs are, sometimes we get another chance to do something right the second time that we got wrong the first time. – Rashida Rowe.
It was supposed to be “They’re going to notice I’m missing”, but what actually came out was little more than a few mumbled vowels against Loki’s smirking lips.
Loki pulled back just enough to whisper into the space between their mouths, “What was that, Stark?”
“More,” Tony corrected himself, hands desperately clinging to his lover, fingers curling around Loki’s shoulders to pull him closer again, chest to chest as his mouth sought pale pink lips that were just out of reach. Loki kissed the pout away, relenting with a soft huff of amusement, the bow of his mouth going slack under Tony’s attentions. The God moaned into the kiss, bringing his own hands up to tangle in Tony’s hair.
Loki’s clones rampaged through New York City, as the Avengers futilely tried to round them up. The clones disappeared whenever anyone got near them, only to reappear somewhere else in the city, far out of reach of whichever Avenger had been oh so close to putting him out of commission. The real Loki was otherwise engaged, trapped between a wall and Tony – talk about rocks and ‘hard’ places. Iron Man’s helmet was on the floor, discarded by an impatient God who was overly fond of carding his fingers through Tony’s slightly too long hair, curling the tips around his fingers and pulling to keep Tony’s head right where he wanted it, mouth always raised to meet his own. Eventually the others would realise that the real Loki was missing, and that Tony was too, but until then the two continued to kiss, hands clutching desperately at one another and Loki’s right leg pulled up around Tony’s waist.
“I love you,” Loki whispered, pulling away with a smirk. He looked Tony up and down, lips curving with amusement as he pushed the human away and took a step away from the wall. “However, I believe you are being missed.”
The helmet on the ground was buzzing, indistinguishable voices going unheard by the mere mortal but Loki could hear them complaining about Iron Man’s disappearance. He offered his lover one more smile, this one more mischievous than the last and his eyes were bright with amusement as he vanished from the alley, leaving Tony high and dry, and appearing directly behind Captain America.
“Come on Tony, this isn’t funny anymore,” Steve said into the communicator he wore around his ear. “At least let me know if you’re ok?”
There was a faint buzzing noise, the sound of Tony pulling his helmet back on and closing the face plate down. “Sorry buddy, I got a little knocked around the head there, but I’m good to go again.” Steve smiled in relief, looking up at the sky just in time for Tony to blast his way into the air, knocking one of Loki’s clones out of the sky on his way back down. “Where’d you want me, Cap?”
“Just keep doing what you’re doing for the moment, but after that,” Steve paused after he said that, glancing around and noticing Loki had appeared behind him, “I think I might need some back up.”
“No problemo, Capitan.” Tony sent a repulsor blast towards another clone as he twisted in the air, changing directions so that he was flying back towards Steve.
Loki watched the first Avenger with narrowed eyes, listening with half an ear to Tony’s replies. He knew they were close, having long ago gotten over their differences, or at least having learnt to agree to disagree. Tony often talked about his team mates, but most frequently about Bruce and Steve: one had a brilliant mind and the other was Anthony’s childhood crush. He had gotten over it; his resentment towards his father having easily transferred over to Steve after Howard’s death and certainly after meeting Steve and getting off to such a bad start, but with their friendship came the stirring of old, fond feelings. And Loki was incredibly jealous as a result. As petty as it might have been, Loki found great pleasure at reminding everyone who could hear them that Steve was a virgin. No one but Tony would understand the point of the insult, being that Loki was far more experienced and so a much better choice of sexual partner than Steve, able to keep up with Tony, or to surprise him, and pleasure him in bed. But to everyone else, Loki just seemed a little childish.
Today was no different, with the God beginning with a blast of magic Steve’s way, knocking the soldier backwards on his stomach, hands out towards Loki as if to grab hold and slow himself down. The jeers followed soon after.
“Perhaps I should take pity upon you?” Loki offered, one eyebrow raised and his mouth curled with disgust. “I am a merciful God, after all, and might be persuaded to take you to my bed?” He was smirking now, teeth peeking out between pale pink lips. “Though that would be an awfully difficult task, relieving you of your virginity, considering how attached you appear to be to it.”
Steve’s cheeks turned pink, but his eyes narrowed. His mouth tightened, Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed angrily and his fists clenched at his side. “Ha, ha, Loki, funny as always.” Tony snorted, through the comm., right into Steve’s ear and the blonde rolled his eyes fondly at the sound.
Loki’s eyes narrowed too; irritated that he could offend Steve but Tony’s agreement of Loki’s words only amused the man. He decided, in his anger, to make good on his promise. He would make Steve want him, turn the man into little more than a mess of flesh and lust desperate for Loki’s touch and only Loki’s touch, which Loki would deny him for he was not a merciful God at all. All the while though he would be in Anthony’s bed, keeping his engineer away from the mortal who dared become too close to his heart, and keeping Steve needing him. His spell was, inconveniently, interrupted as Tony crashed into him from behind. The magic fizzled out with an explosion of green, sparks of gold dancing around Tony’s head and making his ears ring as Loki groaned beneath him on the ground.
Iron Man pushed himself up slowly, shaking his head to try and clear it; his eyes were squeezed closed behind his visor, ears ringing. Loki panted harshly beneath him, chest heaving. His hands were like vices on Tony’s shoulders, fingers denting the metal, arms shaking despite the rigid grip. He kept panting, what Tony thought at first were just shaky breaths turned out to be terrified huffs of “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t” against Tony’s helmet-covered ear.
“Loki?” Tony asked softly, sitting up as much as he could with Loki still holding onto him. Steve watched them both warily, his shield in one hand and the other pressed to his comm. unit, ordering the other Avengers to get to their location asap. “You can’t what, Loki?”
“I can’t remember!” The God breathed, looking up at Tony with wide, terrified eyes. The pupils were so blown Tony could barely make out the brilliant green colour of his irises and against his better instincts he reached out to cup Loki’s cheek, lying back down on top of the other man, pinning him to the floor, grounding him with his weight.
“What can’t you remember, Loki?” Terrified eyes had begun to water, and his bottom lip was trembling, and Tony couldn’t stop himself from raising the face plate so he could press a furious kiss to Loki’s forehead. “What is it, love?”
He ignored the loud gasp Steve let out, ignored the way Thor and the Hulk rampaged towards them down the street, stopping just before they mowed them down, and focused completely on Loki as the God answered. He sounded so scared, and his hands were still shaking as they wrapped around Tony’s neck, keeping his lover pressed close to him as he buried his face in Tony’s shoulder.
“You,” the God murmured, lips moving against the Iron Man suit, cold and unsympathetic against his mouth, but Tony’s hands were kinder, rubbing softly down Loki’s arms and his own mouth peppering the God’s face softly. “I can’t remember us.”
The other two Avengers had joined them by now, but Tony ignored them both as well. He only had eyes for Loki, who still looked at him with all of the emotion he had felt earlier shining, along with the terror, in his eyes. Eyebrows narrowed, Tony’s brain trying to fit together the puzzle pieces, confused and unsure but attempting it nonetheless, because how could Loki love him if he couldn’t even remember him?
The others reluctantly agreed to bring Loki back to Stark Tower with them, unbound. It was hard to say no in the face of Thor’s epic bitch-face and threateningly raised Mjölnir. Also, Tony point blank refused to let go of Loki, so they couldn’t cuff one without arresting the other, and the Hulk wasn’t too keen on anyone putting Tony in a cage (which Tony well knew he wouldn’t be so he had purposely shouted the word ‘cage’ over and over despite Natasha calmly attempting to explain that they would all be going to the Tower, where there were no cages).
Loki had been silent for the journey. Tony had flown back, wanting to beat the others home and clue Jarvis in on the fact that his very secret relationship was not so secret anymore. Thor had offered to go with Loki on the quinjet, to keep him company and to allow the others to relax and since no one had rejected or accepted his offer, Thor found himself slumped uncomfortably in one of the too small seats on the plane, Loki sitting stiffly at his side unaccepting of his offered comfort. The others were equally as quiet, awkwardly glancing around at one another, simultaneously trying to avoid looking at Loki: see no evil, after all. The moment Clint landed the jet, Loki was striding out of its doors, ignoring the Avengers’ calls for him to wait or stop.
He could have teleported, but honestly he was afraid to. He hadn’t forgotten Tony; he remembered everything about Tony, what he liked, what he didn’t, what he loved, how he tasted, how he felt, the feel of Tony’s cock stretching him wide open, Tony’s voice whispering “I love you” but more importantly his own voice answering “I love you too”.
He hadn’t forgotten Tony, but just in case he wanted to walk through the Tower, through Tony’s home and find his bedroom by memory, to cast his eyes over the sofa and the bar and the breakfast table where Loki was sure Tony would have bent him over and fucked him senseless, because he could remember the feeling of Tony inside of him, seed drying on his thighs or inside of him, Tony’s hands rubbing his sides as Loki came with a hoarse cry, but he couldn’t remember actually having sex. He couldn’t remember ever kissing Tony, though he knew exactly what the man’s lips tasted like, and he could almost taste the faint hint of coconut that lingered on the tip of Tony’s tongue. In fact, Loki couldn’t remember kissing anyone.
His knees buckled, legs turning to jelly under him as realisation dawned. He crashed to the floor, and Tony appeared suddenly beside him, guiding him up and over to the sofa and helping Loki sit down gently. “The spell?” Loki asked softly, glancing up at Tony with a shaky smile. He had meant to make Steve lose his virginity, to beg for sex, and instead had erased every memory Loki had of anything that could remotely be considered intimate. It was like he was a virgin again, pure and completely unspoiled, and it made his heart beat furiously in his chest because surely Tony wouldn’t want him now. If he wanted to bed someone so inexperienced surely Tony would pick Steve, who was good and kind and honestly untouched, whereas Loki was a fake. He was pure through his failed magic, untouched only because of a spell, because of a consequence: he was not good, or kind, or innocent. And Tony deserved better than him.
He didn’t mention that part though. Instead, he explained what the spell was meant to do and what it had actually done. He kept his hands clenched in his lap, fingers laced, and his eyes were downcast, refusing to meet Tony’s eyes.
“So you can’t remember us?” Tony reached over to take hold of Loki’s hands. He held them between his own two, his thumbs brushing back and forth lightly over his fingers.
“I remember us!”
Tony clenched his jaw, steeling himself for the answer to his next question. “You just don’t remember us?” He pointedly looked Loki up and down, one side of his mouth twisting into the start of a leering grin before he stopped himself.
“No,” Loki agreed softly, “but I know we have lain together before. I can taste you on my tongue and feel your hands on my naked skin... I can still feel how full I felt the first time you took me; I just don’t… remember it.”
“Will the spell wear off?”
Loki thought about it, considered what he knew of the spell he had meant to cast and considered the differences between that and his end result. He licked his lips, hesitantly answering, “Once its purpose has been achieved.”
“You were planning to have sex with Steve?” Brown eyes were wide, and a little hurt as Tony gritted his teeth.
“No! Had the spell worked as I planned it to I could have lifted the curse myself once I grew bored of the results. This, however, is the result of a mistake. Because I cannot undo a mistake, and it would be foolish to hope that it will wear off of its own violation, I must assume that the spell needs to run its course.”
“By losing your magical virginity,” Tony questioned, eyes narrowing, “with Steve?”
“No!” Loki was laughing now, pulling his hands out of Tony’s hold to press over his mouth.
He was smiling, still, after he managed to stop laughing, offering Tony a wide smile half hidden behind his hands. “The spell was intended for Steve, but it has affected me instead. I was casting at Steve. Me and Steve Rogers. But when the spell backfired onto me, I was touching you. You and me. Not me and Steve.”
“Oh.” Tony bit his bottom lip, looking uncharacteristically nervous. “You want to have your second first time with me?”
Loki offered him a soft smile. He reached out with one hand to cup Tony’s cheek, his thumb brushing softly back and forth over the other man’s bottom lip and the tongue that flicked out to catch a taste of his finger in passing. “There is no one else I’d want it with, Anthony, but you. Only you.”
“You have me,” Tony promised. He leant forward, knocking Loki’s hand aside at the same time, to press their mouths together. It was gentle at first, a comforting press of lips to lips, the knowledge that they were there, that they were touching, but it soon became hungrier, fiercer. Hands tangled into Loki’s hair, but Loki’s hung limply at his sides, unsure what to do with them or where to put them, shy, inexperienced once more. “It’s ok,” Tony whispered, as he pulled out of their kiss. He took Loki’s hands in his, bringing them up to his shoulders and encouraging Loki to grab on. Thin fingers dug in through the t-shirt Tony wore, nails a blunt pressure against his skin, another reminder that this was happening, that this was real. But new; this was new, too. Loki had never done this, in body yes, but not in mind. Muscle memory might pick up the slack, but that didn’t mean that Loki was sure of his actions or responses. That meant that Tony had to be careful, had to go slow, because while Loki couldn’t remember his first time Tony could, Tony knew how Loki had lost his virginity, in graphic detail from both Thor and Loki and the Poetic Edda and the sly comments the Warriors Three had dropped repeatedly the last and only time they had been on Midgard, to visit Thor and had accidentally got sucked into a fake fight-to-the-death with Loki. This was his second chance to do things right, to do things properly, and Tony knew Loki deserved so much better than what he had received before. This time, Tony was going to do things right.
“Come on, gorgeous,” he whispered, lips brushing soft against Loki’s mouth. He swung the God up into his arms, carrying him carefully through the living room and towards his own bedroom; because privacy had been important to Loki the first handful of times they had made love. Afterwards, once the God had seemingly gotten used to being with Tony, having convinced himself that Tony was after more than just sex, he had wanted to fuck in the kitchen, living room, the lab, the hallway, in Central Park that one time, despite their relationship being a secret because he knew that if they were caught Tony wouldn’t deny him. But this was Loki’s first time, so they would keep things strictly between them, behind closed bedroom doors and under the sheets the way Tony knew Loki wanted it done.
With Svaðilfari there had only been pain and fear. A plan having gone badly wrong, resulting in Loki being left at the mercy of what he thought was a horse, stupid and simple and easy to trick and escape, but was actually another sorcerer in disguise, shape changed to better help his fellow giant who was stealing from Asgard their gold and their women, and who was much faster, much stronger, and far luckier than Loki had been. He had been the equivalent of sixteen human years, older by Asgardian standards, yes, but still a child, young and inexperienced and innocent. Loki’s entire body had shook as he told Tony about it, the third time they had gone to bed together, when Tony had pinned him to the bed on his belly with his hands above his head and Loki had panicked, screaming and kicking furiously until Tony was crouched against the far wall, whispering, “I’m not going to hurt you”.
But now Loki couldn’t remember: couldn’t remember running through the woods, jumping over exposed roots and fallen branches, finally thinking he had outrun the horse only to have a sorcerer teleport directly in front of him. The shock of his sudden appearance had jolted Loki out of his transformation, rendering him human and exhausted, unable to gather the magic he needed to escape while Svaðilfari forced him down onto his stomach and ripped the clothes from his body. He couldn’t recall the way he had screamed and cried, not like he sometimes did in his nightmares, but Tony knew all about it, and when he lay Loki down on the bed he was careful to place him on his back, keeping his hands by Loki’s head to keep his full weight off of the God beneath him.
“You are beautiful,” he whispered, dotting soft kisses to the God’s face, wanting the other man to know how much Tony cared.
“I love you,” Loki answered, able to remember that much, but a blush covered his face nonetheless.
Tony undressed first, slowly, carefully folding each article of clothing and placing it aside in order to give Loki time to get his nerves under control. His pale hands were shaking as he began stripping himself, but he kept his green eyes firmly fixed on his lover, watching the man’s tanned skin become exposed a little more at a time. His mouth grew dry at the sight, and Loki had to swallow several times in a row in order to wet his tongue enough to run over his parted lips.
“You ready?” Tony didn’t wait for an answer before he crawled back onto the bed. He sat above Loki, legs on either side of the God’s hips, but his weight was kept mostly on his bent legs so that Loki could wiggle and writhe impatiently beneath his lover as Anthony sat there calmly watching him. The blush was back on his cheeks, eyes heavy lidded and mouth parted as Tony continued to watch him in silence. Half of Loki was embarrassed, afraid that there might be something wrong with him because Tony wasn’t touching him, but the other half could see and feel the hardness of Tony’s cock, bobbing between them as the man continued to sit in his lap. Loki arched his hips up, wanting to encourage Tony to move, to do anything, but he tilted his head back at the same time bearing his neck up completely and it was like a switch had been flicked inside of the mortal. Tony bent forward, fast as a snake, and latched his teeth onto the pale column of flesh that had been so readily offered.
Svaðilfari had bitten him too, horrible bleeding welts left behind by vicious teeth, tearing and chewing on his flesh, but Tony had only ever left behind soft nips, worries of teeth over flesh until the skin turned purple, marking Loki as his own. And the God had hissed every single time, hips snapping upwards and eyelashes fluttering; this time was no different, except for the high pitched whine that escaped Loki, so unused to the feeling, so taken by surprise by the pleasure that came hand in hand with the sharp nip of pain that he couldn’t fight back the noise that had so wanted to escape.
Loki’s hands remained free, even as Tony moved down the lean body, kisses and bites leading the way to Loki’s cock, and hands fisted in Tony’s hair, keeping him down there, forcing the man to swallow when Loki finally came, cries and whimpers escaping him, and fingers knotting painfully close to Tony’s scalp. He had joked once about tying Loki down, but never since, the shine of fear too much to bear from Loki’s eyes, and this time he didn’t so much as joke. Tony easily pried his hair free of Loki’s grip, sitting up and wiping at his mouth with the back of one hand while Loki watched wide-eyed. His face was perpetually pink by this point, the blush beginning to spread down his throat and chest, turning it into a similar dusky pink colour as his nipples. Tony flicked one of them playfully, delighting in the gasp Loki let out. His cock made a valiant effort to harden, but even Gods had limits, and Tony spent the next ten minutes carefully preparing his lover, ignoring the hardness that was his own dick, or Loki’s that was steadily rising to attention. He was going to do this right, and doing it right meant making sure Loki didn’t feel the slightest hint of pain.
His body was plenty stretched. Loki’s muscles having gotten very used to parting under Tony’s direction in the time they had been together, but just because his body was ready and remembered didn’t mean Loki did, and Tony didn’t want Loki to be afraid, or to tense up, worried it might hurt if Tony hadn’t prepared him enough. This was going to be perfect, or as perfect as anyone’s first time could be, because it was what Loki deserved. It was the least Tony could do for him.
“You ready?” He asked again. Loki lay beneath him, legs spread into a v so that Tony could lie between them, thighs trembling and hands shaking as they clung to Tony’s shoulders. He was stretched and slick, ready to take Tony inside of him, and Loki spread his legs that much further apart in invitation, unable to speak because he was panting so hard.
“Ok then,” Tony muttered himself. He took himself in hand, lining his dick up to Loki’s hole and pushed in slowly. The head pressed in as Loki tensed, and Tony waited until the God relaxed again before he gave another soft thrust, sliding a little further inside, and again, and again, waiting patiently every time Loki’s face screwed up or his lips trembled or his legs tensed around Tony’s waist, until at last he was fully seated inside of his lover, balls deep and desperate to move. But he waited until Loki was ready, the God giving a shaky smile and a firm nod and Tony set to work; pulling out and pushing back in, kisses falling across warm skin, teeth leaving purple bruises on Loki’s throat, hands under Loki’s thighs to raise them up, and hips pumping furiously, searching for that part of him that would make Loki see stars. When he nudged at the God’s prostate, Loki screamed. His head fell back, arms winding around Tony’s neck to hold him close as he shook from the unexpected pleasure.
Tony was feeling rather pleased with himself, and the feeling didn’t abate, as with each new thrust Loki choked on a cry, murmuring his love and devotion against Tony’s mouth or simply allowed his mouth to fall open in a soundless scream as Tony fucked him through the mattress. Tony gave two quick tugs of Loki’s cock, just as the God’s hole was beginning to clench sporadically, back bowing and stomach tensing, and Loki came with a cry of Tony’s name, seed spilling between them as the God moaned his release for all to hear. Tony’s orgasm was quieter, but no less explosive, and he came into his lover with his face pressed to Loki’s throat, kisses wet and open mouthed left there in the place of a loud exclamation of satisfied need.
“I love you,” Tony told him softly once he had pulled out. He hadn’t stayed on top of Loki, knowing the God didn’t like to be pinned. But he was quick to turn them over so that he lay on the bottom and Loki was sprawled on top of his chest, arms pillowing his head and legs entangled with Tony’s own.
“I remember.” It was a soft puff of air against one of Tony’s nipples, and he’d never have heard it at all except that Loki had wanted him to hear it. He said nothing, concentrating instead on the patterns that Loki’s finger tips were drawing into his skin. “Thank you.”
“For what?” Tony spoke then, glancing down at his lover curiously.
Loki didn’t move much, just enough of a tilt to his chin that Tony knew what he wanted and leant down to press his lips to his lover’s firmly. “For this,” the God said softly, a half smile on his lips before he pressed them to Tony’s again. This was his second chance, his real go at life and love and happiness, and Loki had known that from the first moment he had admitted his attraction to Tony and the man had pulled him close for a hungry kiss. Loki had known, and had feared, that this was it and that second chances were so rare, so dangerous, because if he ruined things a second time that was the end of it, there would be no more chances for him ever. But this had gone perfectly, thanks to Tony, because of Tony, and Loki felt so much love and admiration for the man in that moment, remembering his real first time and then reminding himself of what had just occurred between them, and he pulled himself up so that he could better reach Tony’s mouth for another kiss and meet his wonderful brown eyes as he said, “For making this perfect.”
“There’s no other way I could have had it, love.” Maybe he meant because he was Tony Stark, and the best was the only thing good enough, but Loki knew he meant the other option, that Loki was worth it, and only the best was good enough for him. So he smiled, wide and real with green eyes bright with pleasure, and he kissed his Tony again.
Whoever said re-winding time wasn’t possible, but do-overs were must have had them in mind, Loki thought to himself as Tony pulled him back down against his chest, mouth to mouth and hands roaming skin. Do-overs wouldn’t replace the past, couldn’t erase it, but they made new memories, happier memories, ones that Loki wanted to cherish for eternity, and it was all possible thanks to a miscast spell he had attempted in a fit of jealousy. Who would have thought it could have turned out so well? Loki certainly wouldn’t have, but with Anthony as a factor in anything, nothing ever went the way it was supposed to, he guessed. But he wasn’t complaining, not at all.