sammythemattressthief



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  1. Public Bookmark *

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    Summary

    After transferring to the Apparition Department, Harry's life becomes one big dick joke. And all his friends are arseholes. So is Malfoy, but what else is new? AKA Harry Potter and the eighteen twenty dicks.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    36,638
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    930
    Kudos:
    6558
    Bookmarks:
    1894
    Hits:
    104031

    23 Dec 2021

  2. Public Bookmark *

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    After two years of noncommittal sex:

    Remus tells Sirius that he loves him. Sirius firmly rejects him. Remus tries to move on. Sirius is not happy.

    OR

    Remus Lupin becomes king of the cockroaches, Fabian Prewett writes a book, Gilderoy Lockhart is a catfish, and Sirius Black realizes he's a fucking idiot.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    42,766
    Chapters:
    14/14
    Comments:
    837
    Kudos:
    7368
    Bookmarks:
    2059
    Hits:
    108533

    13 Dec 2021

  3. Public Bookmark *

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    Draco starts following Potterwatch secretly during the War. He wishes Potter would come save him too. But that sort of thing only happens in fairy tales, and Malfoys don't get fairy tale endings, do they?

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    29,506
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    194
    Kudos:
    7024
    Bookmarks:
    1841
    Hits:
    87711

    12 Dec 2021

  4. Public Bookmark *

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    There are a few things Sirius really didn't count on for Christmas of 1979. The extreme sexual confusion is one of them; Remus Lupin is approximately seventy-eight of the rest.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    18,993
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    342
    Kudos:
    7342
    Bookmarks:
    2172
    Hits:
    118332

    11 Dec 2021

  5. Public Bookmark *

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    He smokes and he drinks and he gets a perverse, backwards sort of thrill out of spending his dead parents’ money in increasingly ludicrous ways. There’s nothing particularly original about his brand of midlife crisis, no matter what Molly Weasley likes to shout at him—he’s an aging ex-convict with leather trousers and a fancy pedigree and if he wants to get drunk and take a nail gun to every last ancestral portrait currently collecting dust in his attic—well, that’s his bloody prerogative.

    He isn’t ashamed of his choices, is what he’s saying.

    Mostly.

    There’s the small matter of his most recently acquired bad habit—a girl, spoiled and snotty and literally, physically, actually small; she’s half his age and twice as reckless and he can’t seem to stop waking up next to her.

    Pansy Parkinson.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    4,351
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    26
    Kudos:
    605
    Bookmarks:
    119
    Hits:
    8874

    29 Nov 2021