Severus Snape wants none of your emotionality
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Because, honestly, an ancient feral magical snake going about petrifying students, ghosts, and cats alike seems like exactly the kind of thing that starts a plague. A fix-it of sorts involving Weasley family dynamics, Malfoy family dynamics, hand-wavy wizarding health care interacting with muggle healthcare, and Harry finally getting an adult who loves him because the poor boy deserves it. Not a crack fic, but it is exactly the type of insanity one might expect from the wizarding world. Takes place in the summer before the third year/Prisoner of Azkaban.