1 - 20 of 121 Works in Self-Loathing Caleb Widogast

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  1. Tags
    Summary

    When Caleb makes the decision to give himself up to Trent, to ensure that the rest of the Mighty Nein aren’t captured and can defeat Lucien unencumbered, it takes the Mighty Nein on an unexpected journey of torture, cruelty, childhood love, and a twist no one saw coming. No one, but a single drow. An AU in which Essek and Bren knew one another long before the Nein came into the picture.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    12,422
    Chapters:
    3/?
    Comments:
    9
    Kudos:
    39
    Bookmarks:
    15
    Hits:
    583
  2. Tags
    Summary

    relativity, noun. 1) In physics: the degree to which a phenomenon’s perception differs between observers based on their independent reference frames; 2) In philosophy: the belief that there is no absolute morality existing beyond the conditioning of the individual.


    The return to Aeor is a crucible of sorts- all that they have this time is each other, which is both electrifying and terrible in near-equal quantities. Two wizards in one place is trouble, but when they're Caleb and Essek it's a match to acetylene.

    (Or: how it falls apart and comes back together.)

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    16,331
    Chapters:
    6/10
    Collections:
    2
    Comments:
    12
    Kudos:
    96
    Bookmarks:
    14
    Hits:
    600
  3. Tags
    Summary

    Caleb Widogast buys a home to keep himself from sleeping on the Rosohna streets. The only home he can afford his supposedly haunted, but Caleb is a reasonable man of science, and definitely doesn't believe in ghosts, goblins, or magic.

    Even if all that was real, there could be no worse monster residing here than him.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    11,074
    Chapters:
    6/?
    Comments:
    130
    Kudos:
    214
    Bookmarks:
    26
    Hits:
    2206
  4. Tags
    Summary

    "What makes you think that I am afraid?" Caleb asks.
    Yasha falters again. "Oh well, I don't know. It's ok if you're not," she says. "It's just I don't like to sleep either."
    She looks embarrassed and Caleb feels bad. He hadn't meant for that to happen, but he'd felt vulnerable, seen in a way he hadn't expected.
    “I am afraid,” he admits. “Of course I am. Any time I close my eyes I see the flames, hear the screaming. I just… I did not think it was so obvious.”

    In which The Nein go to Vergesson to look at the beacon. But unlike in canon, this time Caleb accidentally gets kidnapped. Predictably, this fucks him up really badly, to the point where he's near catatonic. His recovery is uncertain and war between the Dynasty and the Empire looms on the horizon. Can The Nein support Caleb while working through their own feelings about his kidnapping as they figure out what it is exactly they owe to each other?

    Please mind the tags.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    10,745
    Chapters:
    3/12
    Comments:
    4
    Kudos:
    36
    Bookmarks:
    10
    Hits:
    316
  5. Tags
    Summary

    When Bren murdered his parents, he broke.

    When he found out that they were never traitors, something deep within him, something primal and arcane, snapped like an overstrung violin string, sharp, dissonant, and echoing throughout his body in strange vibrations.

    One moment he was curled up on the cold tile floor of the Vergesson Sanatorium, the next Bren was in a strange field of what might have been wheat, flowing in the light breeze. After telling a strange purple satyr a fake name, he became Caleb Widogast and was thrust into a world heavy with magic, full of fae, and enough support to start to overcome his past.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    92,867
    Chapters:
    26/?
    Comments:
    507
    Kudos:
    553
    Bookmarks:
    99
    Hits:
    13816
  6. Tags
    Summary

    Struggling. Unlikely odds. Terrible beasts.

    Caleb let go. Let himself be pulled. Essek screamed, slipped into Undercommon, terror palpable in his voice, desperation obvious and raw. The strange, otherworldly smell of dunamancy began to fill the air, ozone and something else, something unnamable, something that screamed of nostalgia and whispered future and sang the siren song of possibility. Caleb kept his eyes up, trained at the beast, sharp, glowing fangs, one part ice shard, two parts slobber and old blood, polished selenite stakes, immeasurable darkness in its cavernous throat.

    ----

    During an Aeor expedition, an encounter with a beast leaves Caleb injured. Essek, of course, takes care of him.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    4,030
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    12
    Kudos:
    124
    Bookmarks:
    15
    Hits:
    600
  7. Tags
    Summary

    [the_shadowhand]
    I would be willing to help you come up with ideas, if you want, so long as you’re willing to teach me your ways with dirty talk.
    It’s… hard for me, I suppose. I never know what to say, let alone with the presence you have.

    [catsire]
    Why Herr Shadowhand, are you flirting?

    [the_shadowhand]
    Not intentionally. More… admiring a skill you have that I lack.

    Caleb is not disappointed. He’s not disappointed when they meet and The Shadowhand has the same casual fake flirty tone as his text. He’s not disappointed when they end up filming together, his feelings most definitely not returned. Caleb can live with the heat of his fixation on the other man as they, somehow, become friends beyond their work. He can handle himself just fine.

    It doesn’t matter that The Shadowhand is gorgeous and brilliant besides. He likes Caleb well enough and there could be hope, if Caleb wasn’t such a fucking mess. They can be friends, and coworkers of a strange sort. It’s fine.

     

    It’s fine.

     

    Until it’s not.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    46,294
    Chapters:
    12/22
    Comments:
    370
    Kudos:
    630
    Bookmarks:
    83
    Hits:
    12280
  8. Tags
    Summary

    Caleb's history with Trent was worse than he had ever been able to explain aloud. He didn’t want anyone to know. Wanted to forget.

    Trent Ikathon needed to bring Bren, Caleb, back into their little family. Need to remind him where he belonged. To whom he belonged.

    Essek would have sobbed if there was anything left in him to move or break. Trent had taken all that away piece by piece. He lay still where he had been left, crushed under the weight of the pain of the last hours, of the endless days of torture, kept in a timeless demi-plane until time lost meaning.

    But he didn’t have a choice.

    Caleb needed him.

    Set after The Things He Took, but not necessary to understand.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    37,558
    Chapters:
    8/?
    Comments:
    62
    Kudos:
    185
    Bookmarks:
    20
    Hits:
    3917
  9. Tags
    Summary

    More than hearts are on the line in Aeor, as Caleb Widogast and Essek Thelyss search for answers, and discover that there's more to the ruined city than they ever knew.. and more to themselves, as well. The arrival of Verin further complicates things, but the chaos has only just gotten started with Exandria once more in peril, and without the Mighty Nein together to stop it. Can two broken wizards and some unlikely allies do the trick?

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    338,708
    Chapters:
    190/190
    Collections:
    2
    Comments:
    2043
    Kudos:
    471
    Bookmarks:
    69
    Hits:
    24582
  10. Tags
    Summary

    One night, when Essek was due back the next morning after being away for months, he thought, "do I actually love him, or did I trick myself into loving him?" Of course he loved him, he is what he deserves and he will take what he deserves.

     

    Caleb thinks that he deserves his relationship with Essek for the wrong reasons, thinking that he only deserves to be in a relationship with someone as damaged as he is.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,283
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Kudos:
    43
    Bookmarks:
    2
    Hits:
    239
  11. Tags
    Summary

    Caleb wakes up on Rumblecusp with no memories of who he is or how he got there. The people around him seem to care for him greatly, and he wants to do his best to help them, even when they fail to return his memories with their divine magic.

    Many things are confusing, but none more so than what appears to be his personal journal, written in a cipher he can no longer remember. Perhaps the handsome drow his friends brought him to in Rosohna may be of help.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    22,315
    Chapters:
    10/15
    Comments:
    382
    Kudos:
    656
    Bookmarks:
    85
    Hits:
    9389
  12. Tags
    Summary

    Caleb has had soulmarks since he was a Bren. He always thought he would only ever have those two people as the other pieces of his soul. But then he meets more. And as he grows and learns things change.

    But the changes feel right.

    Companion fic to: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33908560

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    4,108
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    1
    Kudos:
    76
    Bookmarks:
    7
    Hits:
    420
  13. Tags
    Summary

    Wait for It from Hamilton but it's Caleb seeing himself in Essek and taking a step towards mutual healing (and reckoning with his crush)

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    477
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Kudos:
    13
    Hits:
    88
  14. Tags
    Summary

    After their dinner with the worst wizard on Exandria, Fjord had one thing and one thing only on his mind. Caleb had done a lot for him over the past several months. Fjord couldn’t explain it, but something in him felt the need to check on the man.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    2,421
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    1
    Kudos:
    60
    Bookmarks:
    4
    Hits:
    401
  15. Tags
    Summary

    “Hey, can we get this?” Caleb froze at the sight of Jester waving around a bound spell scroll. The sensation of a cane landing on his back and shameful pleasure filled his mind for a moment before he managed to blink it away.
    “Aw, yeah! It’d be handy to have a charm spell on hand when shit hits the fan.” Beau added.
    “Cayleb, can you spare any gold right now?” Jester had pleaded. The wizard choked over his words for a moment.
    “I’d… Rather not support… Makers of those kinds of scrolls.” He managed.
    “Really, why?” Beau, ever inquisitive.
    “They’re… Made kind of… Unethically, you know?”

    ~ O ~

    In which Trent Ikkythong taught his students that charm spell scrolls require certain ritual preparation, Caleb Widogast goes a good thirty-plus years without realising he was sexually abused, and I ask myself why the hell I want to hurt my comfort characters so bad.
    Serious hurt, with endgame positive ending.
    Seriously y’all, read them tags and take care of yourselves.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    39,269
    Chapters:
    5/7
    Comments:
    29
    Kudos:
    132
    Bookmarks:
    26
    Hits:
    3282
  16. Tags
    Summary

    “You learn some things in the circus,” he says, “and one of them is you never pay full price for anything unless you think the persons selling it need a little extra, and at that point, they’re usually selling their wares undervalued just to beat out the fancy competition.” He waves his hand at the snotty bookshop that he’s just dragged Caleb out of with an air of contempt, labeling it as “snotty competition” despite its modest trappings .

    As always, Caleb is left to follow in Molly’s wake, dragged along by this undertow in lavender skin and overblown robes. “So what do you suggest?”

    “We go where the fancy competition doesn’t want you to go.”

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    2,613
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    13
    Kudos:
    119
    Bookmarks:
    16
    Hits:
    423
  17. Tags
    Summary

    Essek is a mystery. Self contained. Poised. Only sharing hints of his past. When Caleb lays out his own past for him to see, he paves the way for Essek to come to terms with his, revealing what he himself did not even know.

    Everyone has trauma, acknowledged or not. Physical, mental, emotional, often tied together without our knowing. By admitting to ourselves, and to others who care enough to listen, we may begin to heal. It may take months, perhaps years. Time. Time to repair yourself, time to repair ruined trust, from those we ourselves may have hurt along the way. And while we can never purge these scars entirely, we can learn to find happiness and closure, to be who we were meant to be.

    Their first trip to Aeor was eye opening for both of them. We see how they grow, how they unite. How they eventually find their way to each other, exactly as they were fated to.

    This is a story for anyone who has ever had to process trauma, for anyone who has found solace in a friend, a therapist, a partner. This is a story of tenderness and love. Of growth and change.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    57,620
    Chapters:
    15/15
    Comments:
    82
    Kudos:
    153
    Bookmarks:
    28
    Hits:
    4074
  18. Tags
    Summary

    When Bren Aldric Eremendrud was a boy, whenever he felt small or lonely, he’d look up at the stars, wondering if there was life up there. Turns out, he was looking in the wrong direction. When alien life entered our world it was from the deep beneath the Lucidian Ocean, a fissure between two tectonic plates. A portal between the dimensions, a breach.

    To fight the Kaiju wreaking havoc on the world, mankind created monsters of their own. The Jaeger Program was implemented. Jaeger. Zemnian for hunter. Monsters designed to put these otherworldly abominations back in their place.

    One pilot couldn’t handle the neural load to pilot the Jaegers alone, so a two pilot system was implemented, one on the left side, one on the right. The two pilots had to link their minds to work in perfect synchronous harmony to ensure that the mechs could run properly. With technology being advanced from cooperation and a worldwide ceasefire to stop this problem, the Pan Lucidian Defense Corps was born.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    60,266
    Chapters:
    24/24
    Comments:
    533
    Kudos:
    481
    Bookmarks:
    82
    Hits:
    9078
  19. Tags
    Summary

    "There were others," Caleb whispers, eyes falling shut, "who could have been you. Our foe, the pretty monster with the face of my old friend. He made me angry. He was presumptuous and tricky and he called me attractive, and still it was you in my thoughts."

    You make me angry, he doesn't say, because it is only partly true. Essek makes him many things, and anger is only one log on the fire. A twig against the burn of everything else about him Caleb cannot escape thinking about.

    --

    A stolen moment before the Nein set out for Aeor. There's a gap between what you want and what you can have, sometimes.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    656
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    19
    Kudos:
    175
    Bookmarks:
    11
    Hits:
    1155
  20. Tags
    Summary

    Caleb fears no god, bows his head to no deity, but if Jester Lavorre asked him to, he would fall to his knees and pray.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,161
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    10
    Kudos:
    34
    Bookmarks:
    2
    Hits:
    462

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