1 - 20 of 42 Works in Lambert Being a Little Shit (The Witcher)

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  1. Tags
    Summary

    5 times the witchers drink a *Questionable Substance* and 1 time they think better of it.

    Or rather, 1 time where Vesemir knows better and 5 times he learns his sons were idiots.

    Inspired by a comment from Panur on my last fic, A Lesson In Perspective.

    (Tags to be added with new chapters.)

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    “Damn it, Lambert,” Vesemir muttered, “what did you put in that booze?”

    “Wart Root! And Black Mold,” Lambert announced.

    Geralt and Eskal stared at him.

    “Oh,” Eskal said. “Oh, we’re fucked.”

    Geralt watched the liquor swirling in his cup. “Hm.”

    “And you drank it.” Vesemir shook his head. “Tell me your senses serve you better on the path.”

    There was just a little too much hesitation before the chorus of “…Well-”

    A familiar feeling dawned on Vesemir. “This isn’t the worst of it, is it.”

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    4,264
    Chapters:
    2/6
    Comments:
    11
    Kudos:
    77
    Bookmarks:
    14
    Hits:
    540
  2. Tags
    Summary

    Just as the winds begin to chill and the first autumn red leaf tumbles to the ground, a shiver runs up along Jaskier’s spine. Geralt feels the change too. The Witcher always perks up a bit when the promise of returning home to the mountain-top keep rears its head again.

    --

    Geralt and Jaskier are heading back to Kaer Morhen for another winter. The Wolves have missed their songbird, and with Geralt having kept him close to his side for three whole seasons, Eskel and Lambert only deem it fair that they start catching up on what they've lost.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    10,344
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    14
    Kudos:
    219
    Bookmarks:
    35
    Hits:
    2383
  3. Tags
    Summary

    Humans, through their vile curses and pogroms on Witcher settlements, drove the only ones who would help them run monsters away from their kingdoms back to their keeps. One of the elder Witchers, Vesemir, called together Witchers of any School to join him in Kaer Morhen. Wolves and Cats and Griffins and Vipers could shelter in the crumbling walls of Kaer Morhen while the Continent beyond the mountain slowly fell apart.

    Desperate to get Witchers back into their kingdoms to rid themselves of monsters, an offer is made; kings and queens of the Continent will let Witchers return to their kingdoms and walk through them with free passage, if the Witchers of Kaer Morhen are given an assurance that no harm will come to them while they're outside the reach of the mountain.

    Their assurance comes in the form of a prince offered up in marriage to the White Wolf, appointed King of the Witchers.

    --

    Arranged Marriage & Warlord AU

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    42,369
    Chapters:
    3/3
    Comments:
    72
    Kudos:
    591
    Bookmarks:
    115
    Hits:
    5724
  4. Tags
    Summary

    Jaskier wanted a quiet winter, to himself, to teach his students. He had enough of witchers and witches and destiny and heartbreak.

    Destiny, being the bitch she is, gave Lambert the office next to him.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    9,564
    Chapters:
    7/?
    Comments:
    40
    Kudos:
    104
    Bookmarks:
    12
    Hits:
    1354
  5. Tags
    Summary

    Lambert centric oneshots, short, with no reason or purpose or deeper meaning. What is one to do when one runs outta rarepair fics to read? Pour a cup of booze, a mug of coffee and abuse laptop till a story is born. Most of them relate to each other, but it's not a rule. Non-linear, nonsensical, no-anything

    It's growing too long now, so the details for each chapter will be in notes instead of the summary right here

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    44,230
    Chapters:
    11/11
    Comments:
    20
    Kudos:
    46
    Bookmarks:
    5
    Hits:
    806
  6. Tags
    Summary

    Jaskier had been doing his best. Heartbreak and depression had given him the songs he'd played to take his career higher and higher-- until his band broke apart. Now alone, he's offered a job to manage the band of the man who broke his heart.

    The challenge of being a folk singer managing a heavy metal band may carry Jaskier into new discoveries, the least of them about music. Living on a tour bus with Lambert, Eskel, Geralt, and Vesemir is full of challenges and annoyances-- but perhaps something more can come from this. Healing, friendship... and maybe a love that blooms so slowly and naturally that it swallows them whole.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    89,355
    Chapters:
    22/?
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    353
    Kudos:
    328
    Bookmarks:
    65
    Hits:
    8548
  7. Tags
    Summary

    Geralt’s nostrils flared in the frosty air.
    “You’re injured,” he stated, flashing Vesemir an inquiring glare. Lambert and Eskel finally noticed the hint of fresh blood permeating the air. Lambert felt his guts sink at the sudden wave of rust and salt hitting his nostrils.
    “Where?” He asked, rather rudely. Vesemir seemed taken aback by Lambert’s not so unusual lack of respect for his elders, and he reacted defensively, wrapping his cloak around his shoulders even more tightly and slowly - a tad too slowly to go unnoticed - hauling himself out of the cart. He lost his footing almost immediately; hadn’t it been for Eskel’s solicitude, he would have fallen face first on the irregular cobblestones of the courtyard.
    Lambert didn’t wait for him to give an explanation whatsoever, he went straight for his raw wool cloak and yanked it open, revealing a large, bloody gash in the master’s armor and... well.
    “Why is there a dagger in your side, you ancient ass?

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    5,321
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    8
    Kudos:
    69
    Bookmarks:
    3
    Hits:
    430
  8. Tags
    Summary

    Ciri: I need you to wear this tonight.
    Jaskier: Again? Wasn’t last week enough?
    Ciri: it’s for science. I need more data.

    And thus the Idiot Syndrome testings starts.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    10,292
    Chapters:
    39/?
    Comments:
    549
    Kudos:
    710
    Bookmarks:
    64
    Hits:
    11381
  9. Tags
    Summary

    The song sounds an awful lot like something Jaskier would write.
    First of all, it praises a Witcher, and Geralt doesn’t know a single bard who would bother to praise Witchers in his songs.
    And then, of course, there’s the fact that even if someone was crazy enough to praise one, they wouldn’t be nearly crazy enough to sing not about their skill and monsters they killed, but about their appearance and, apparently, their sexual prowess.
    But the local bard claims that the song was written by a Master Dandelion, definitely not the bard named Jaskier, no sir, so perhaps there are two crazy, horny bards roaming the Continent. Crazier things have happened.

    ***
    It began with the request of my friend who wished for a post-mountain-breakup fic in which a terrified Geralt hears Jaskier's ode to Lambert.
    Except that Geralt doesn't realize that this new bard known as Master Dandelion is, in fact, his old friend Jaskier. All he knows is that Master Dandelion must be a truly depraved individual if he's willing to fuck someone like Lambert. And, apparently, a mysterious black-haired Witcher, too.
    Well, Geralt's in for a big surprise...

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    2,675
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    11
    Kudos:
    182
    Bookmarks:
    22
    Hits:
    831
  10. Tags
    Summary

    Geralt has never enjoyed sex. His heightened senses making touch too much at times, sending him into anger or panic, though he never understood why. That is until Jaskier pushed him against their room's door, grinding against him, accidentally causing him sensory overload, which leads to Jaskier introducing the Witcher to asexuality and the concept of no-touch-tops.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    6,061
    Chapters:
    3/3
    Comments:
    32
    Kudos:
    589
    Bookmarks:
    49
    Hits:
    4690
  11. Tags
    Summary

    I read sparrow30's fic 'You're not flawed (just a little under rehearsed)' and couldn't help myself.

    Go read their fic - it's great!

     

    -=-=-=-

    It's a cold winter night in Kaer Morhen.
    Geralt still has the potion that will temporarily turn him human, and the boys are drunk, curious, and unsupervised.

    -=-=-=-

    Eskal could only stare: Lambert’s face was smooth, no longer gnarled by the scar across his eye, no longer worn with exhaustion. And in the dim, flickering light of the hearth, Lambert’s eyes were *brown*.

    And then the last vestiges of last night returned to him.

    “We’re human,” Eskal muttered.

    They sat for a moment in silence.

    Then Lambert laughed.

    “Well, shit!” Lambert shook his head. “Vesimir’s gonna kills us. What were we thinking?”

    Carefully, Eskal touched the smooth plane of his lip where his scars should have been. Somehow, it felt like tracing the edge of a shard of glass. His voice came out thin and quiet. “Perspective.”

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    6,707
    Chapters:
    8/8
    Comments:
    64
    Kudos:
    224
    Bookmarks:
    33
    Hits:
    2144
  12. Tags
    Summary

    When Vesemir collects his newest child surprise, he finds Lambert —an underweight selkie with a vicious streak running deeper than the ocean she came from. He takes her to the Temple of Melitele to become what is likely to be the worst acolyte they've ever had. She finds her place in the world anyway.

    Or in other words: Lambrt doesn't become a witcher... she becomes an acolyte of Melitele instead. Vesemir is still her not-dad, Geralt and Eskel are still her brothers, Aiden is still her lover, and she's still the bitter bitch we know and love.
    —————————————————

    Lambert and Aiden meet Julia and her himbo boyfriend. Banter abound, and the plot finally starts.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    14,200
    Chapters:
    8/?
    Comments:
    40
    Kudos:
    46
    Bookmarks:
    5
    Hits:
    502
  13. Tags
    Summary

    Felicity got separated from her group of friends as they explored a cave. She found herself running for her life while being stalked by unknown creatures that want to eat her (not in a nice way). A stranger appears just in time to save her.

    Since this will take a while to write/post, the tags will likely be updated/changed.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    2,735
    Chapters:
    4/?
    Comments:
    4
    Kudos:
    50
    Bookmarks:
    16
    Hits:
    739
  14. Tags
    Summary

    Geralt finds Jaskier tied up in their room after returning to the inn and all their things have been stolen. He has an unexpected family reunion when he goes to find the burglar.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,989
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    20
    Kudos:
    463
    Bookmarks:
    31
    Hits:
    2076
  15. Tags
    Summary

    “Is that REALLY what you want us to write on your custom-order cake?” AU

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    293
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    8
    Kudos:
    91
    Bookmarks:
    4
    Hits:
    541
  16. Tags
    Summary

    He's distantly aware of his already weak resolve breaking, finally, and he doesn't really care. If Jaskier wants to get fucked so desperately, Geralt will oblige him.
    ______________________________________

    This is a DEAD DOVE story! Please check the tags carefully!

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    17,995
    Chapters:
    7/7
    Comments:
    116
    Kudos:
    793
    Bookmarks:
    126
    Hits:
    27304
  17. Tags
    Summary

    "Aiden’s gaze softened, just for a moment, and he said so softly that Jaskier could have been entirely mistaken that he heard it at all: 'You’ll do.'"

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    2,654
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    8
    Kudos:
    76
    Bookmarks:
    5
    Hits:
    380
  18. Tags
    Summary

    Lambert gets Geralt drunk enough to beat him at gwent. Unfortunately for Geralt, the game isn’t the only precious thing he loses.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    4,488
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    31
    Kudos:
    719
    Bookmarks:
    85
    Hits:
    3114
  19. Tags
    Summary

    After yelling at Jaskier on the mountain, Geralt remembers what happened the last time he wished for peace from Jaskier and panics, chasing after the bard to fix his mistakes. It seems- however- that Destiny is quick to please (that bitch) and finds Jaskier in much worse condition than he left in.

    Now featuring, a fluffy second chapter and Kaer Morhen in Chapter 3

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    5,371
    Chapters:
    3/3
    Comments:
    23
    Kudos:
    836
    Bookmarks:
    70
    Hits:
    8151
  20. Tags
    Summary

    In which Geralt is a freelance mercenary, and Jaskier is an up and coming singer. Jaskier annoys the wrong people, and Geralt is hired to kill him.

    And in addition to absolutely no one's request, a coffee shop au!

    (On break)

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    136,787
    Chapters:
    28/?
    Comments:
    98
    Kudos:
    188
    Bookmarks:
    34
    Hits:
    4998

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