I literally cannot do it
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Once upon a time, tiny Bilbo Baggins dreamed of having a family of his own. After realizing he's gay and losing his parents, he honestly believes it will never happen. Then thirteen dwarves show up on his doorstep for an adventure and, after helping them reclaim Erebor, he marries their king. A hobbit secret is revealed as a wedding gift, giving Bilbo's dream life once more.