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  1. *

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    Even from a young age, he isn’t a romantic. It’s around third grade that kids start writing to their Match, eight year olds asking questions about their name, where they’re from, what they like, who they are. Todd doesn’t. He’s not really into the idea of Matches, even if it’s something he can’t change. People fall in love with people. If he falls in love, he’s not going to fall in love with someone who he knows only from ink on his arms that he didn’t put there.

    Whoever his Match is, however, does not feel the same way. His left arm (so he must be right handed) is covered with doodles. Crude flowers drawn with what looks like ballpoint pens, so lots of skipping and gaps in the lines. Sometimes the outlines of hearts that look like fountain pens, but are smudged quickly, the ink running too hard.

    Soulmate AU where anything you write on your arm appears visible on your soulmate's. Written for the Dirk Gently Big Bang 2017.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    53,224
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    99
    Kudos:
    1019
    Bookmarks:
    226
    Hits:
    9329
  2. 3

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    When the reality is in danger, a message is spread all over the Universe: The promise of pain that will overcome everyone in the Cosmos. And on the verge of the end of the world, only one man can save us all. His name is Dirk Gently.

    A dysfunctional trio, a powerful pack, a missing girl, highly intelligent children, several people disappeared, a backwards clock, loads of ketchup and three words:

    Everything is connected.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    51,526
    Chapters:
    5/?
    Comments:
    26
    Kudos:
    21
    Bookmarks:
    3
    Hits:
    322
  3. 1

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    Thanksgiving dinner at Dirk and Todd's new apartment was an incredible success, with the exception of one tiny, unfortunate detail - which, according to Dirk, was actually very Big and Devastating and Not, In Any Way, His Fault. Todd begged to differ - gently, though, because obviously, something was upsetting Dirk. Figuring out what was just a matter of time, patience...and an unexpected heart-to-heart on the bathroom floor.

    (*Chapter 1 is puke-free and can be read on its own, if preferred*)

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,774
    Chapters:
    1/2
    Comments:
    8
    Kudos:
    13
    Bookmarks:
    1
    Hits:
    120
  4. 3

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    Well guys, I guess I needed to do another JohnSquared AU.
    You're all shocked, I know.
    Young doctor John Segundus, in the process of moving on from a break up, develops feelings for a coworker.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    37,064
    Chapters:
    10/?
    Comments:
    52
    Kudos:
    30
    Bookmarks:
    3
    Hits:
    556
  5. 28

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    Summary

    Todd Brotzman: a self-pitying, struggling little cinnamon roll of a university student. Dirk Gently: the new dorm room neighbour who is little too eager to be his friend for Todd to feel completely comfortable with.

    There's something weird about Dirk though, something that's not quite normal, and Todd doesn't really care, except that he does. Enough to let Dirk slowly worm his way into Todd's life with his sugary teas and astounding ignorance of classic films.

    Amanda is cool, Farah is badass.

    Everything will be fine. Probably.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    17,773
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    22
    Kudos:
    213
    Bookmarks:
    28
    Hits:
    1595
  6. 6

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    It was Monday; and on the desk belonging to ‘Toad Buttzman’ (if the vandalised nameplate was to be believed), an ashtray was having a little think about a few concepts it had little grasp of.

    It was Tuesday; and on the fridge door, a small snail-themed calendar attempted to make itself known with some well-timed flutters and a pointedly circled date.

    It was Wednesday; and the ashtray and calendar, for they were in fact one and the same, were back on the desk, with a few more circles and even some arrows for good measure. It was as pointed a message as the entity comprising them both felt comfortable giving on behalf of other people, especially in regards to concepts she still hadn’t quite figured out.

    And it went, as such messages to this particular recipient often did, completely unnoticed.

    In which Dirk and Todd celebrate three years together- but forgot they were supposed to be doing that.

    Rated M for suggestive jokes, mild heavy petting and Dirk being entirely too comfortable in sex shops.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    6,866
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    32
    Kudos:
    97
    Bookmarks:
    6
    Hits:
    800
  7. 13

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    Todd is trying to deal with the fact everyone thinks he's in love with Dirk, when he just wants to get on with his job. Things get more complicated when he realises that he is in love with Dirk, and new clients arrive - new clients that are looking for their missing grandson, Svlad Cjelli.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    24,445
    Chapters:
    10/10
    Comments:
    103
    Kudos:
    86
    Bookmarks:
    13
    Hits:
    1005
  8. 7

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    Summary

    Dirk doesn't normally celebrate his birthday, and Mona doesn't even know when hers is. Todd feels they need to do it differently this year.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    3,276
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    14
    Kudos:
    57
    Bookmarks:
    7
    Hits:
    377
  9. 4

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    Truly, Dirk had been wholly prepared to avoid death until he was on a hospital bed at age ninety and it was the only logical place for the universe to guide him next. That sounded like a rather nice option; the almost pleasant sort of conclusion everyone silently prayed they would get.

    Fate, it seemed, had other plans for him.

    Dying for someone else was different than ordinary dying. It was meaningful – a necessity even, if the person threatened was worth enough to you.

    And no one in the world meant more to Dirk Gently than Todd Brotzman.

    --

    Dirk is a magnet for dangerous activity; this has always been the sad, unfortunate truth of his universe-controlled life. As a result, he must always be prepared for the bizarre, and often life-threatening situations that actively await him day in and out. What he never prepared for, however, is the sudden arrival of a group led by an Ex-Blackwing employee seeking to lure him in using any means necessary. In order to save what he holds most dear, Dirk must be willing to sacrifice everything. Thus, leaving Todd to deal with the bitter aftermath, and once more desperately search for a way to fix everything.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    62,794
    Chapters:
    15/15
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    40
    Kudos:
    36
    Bookmarks:
    4
    Hits:
    495
  10. 4

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    Summary

    A supernatural robbery across the ocean, an ex-Blackwing test subject, and the origins of Dirk's name. Could these three things possibly be connected? Of course they could. Everything is.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    45,147
    Chapters:
    56/56
    Comments:
    9
    Kudos:
    56
    Bookmarks:
    4
    Hits:
    975
  11. *

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    Summary

    Having lost his job at the Perriman Grand, Todd takes a job selling vintage vinyl to unappreciative hipsters while trying to put his life back together. Dirk Gently is a somewhat regular customer. That is, until Dirk can fix the timeline and get Todd his memories back.

    The Record Store AU that's not a Record Store AU.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    87,998
    Chapters:
    20/20
    Comments:
    750
    Kudos:
    1418
    Bookmarks:
    289
    Hits:
    15603
  12. 18

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    Summary

    From: d.gentl@springnews.org
    To: k.adams@springnews.org
    Subject: I Have A Question

    Can I play minesweeper when I'm not working?

    k.adams: Shouldn’t you be investigating?
    d.gentl: So...is that a no?

     

    (Almost An Attachments AU)

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    18,099
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    36
    Kudos:
    130
    Bookmarks:
    18
    Hits:
    1007
  13. 40

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    Summary

    Todd wakes up beside Dirk Gently four years to the day after having met him realises - abruptly and with categoric certainty - that he wants to do so every day for the rest of his life.

    What the fuck, he thinks.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    18,882
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    32
    Kudos:
    174
    Bookmarks:
    40
    Hits:
    1401
  14. 4

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    Summary

    Farah confronts the vestiges of her past as she, Dirk, and Todd travel east to visit her mother. It turns out Farah isn’t as over her father’s death as she thought she was.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    10,507
    Chapters:
    3/3
    Comments:
    19
    Kudos:
    28
    Bookmarks:
    4
    Hits:
    155
  15. 3

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    It’s a rare, quiet morning at the Agency, and Farah is enjoying it immensely when the door opens and in come two of the Rowdy 3. The others, including their van, have disappeared in a flash of blue light and now Gripps and Cross are turning to the only holistic detective they know to help find their family and bring them back.

    Meanwhile, it seems like the whole area has gone Area 51, because there’s strange lights in the sky, lightbulbs that won’t stop flickering, mysterious disappearances, and a sudden resurgence of crop circles. Tina & Hobbs investigate a missing cow while communicating with the Agency through Snapchat, Friedkin is up to something, Assistent is an alien conspiracist and he’s been talking to some ex-cop about soul-swapping..?

    My contribution to the DGHDA Big Bang!

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    21,236
    Chapters:
    11/11
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    81
    Kudos:
    24
    Bookmarks:
    3
    Hits:
    264
  16. 6

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    Summary

    Years after escaping Blackwing, and still, Dirk knows he'll never be free of them.
    He just wishes the universe would stop reminding him of that.

     

    (Or: A series of connected snippets in Dirk's life as he finally becomes the detective he dreamed of being.)

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    11,190
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    6
    Kudos:
    34
    Bookmarks:
    6
    Hits:
    211
  17. 18

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    Summary

    He snagged one of Dirk’s energy drinks from the fridge, left there from countless nights of cases, nightmares, and just days where he would hang out around the apartment. Someone else would probably call him clingy, but Todd didn’t mind for the most part. He was probably a more annoying boyfriend than Dirk could ever be, and that included the almost dying twice a week. He took a drink, staring at the back of the couch as the minutes ticked by. An idea slowly began to form in his head.

    No, that was silly.

    That was ridiculous.

    That– was essentially how he defined his life at this point.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    38,332
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    21
    Kudos:
    139
    Bookmarks:
    18
    Hits:
    1090
  18. 13

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    Summary

    "A fork.” Todd says, because that's what it is. He's holding a fork.

    “Ah, but this is not just any old fork. No.” Dirk says, and grins. “Watch this.” He pulls at the end with the prongs and the rest of it begins to get longer until he's holding a fork that's about twenty three inches long.

    “It's an…extendable fork.” He says, because there's really nothing else to say.

    “Yes. Spot on. Nice detecting Todd.” Dirk looks delighted, waving the extended fork around with wild abandon. “Anyway, I have a hunch it will be useful in the future so I bought it while in line at the chemist.”

     

     

    (In which Todd and Dirk and Farah try to settle into every day life and manage to do a spectacularly bad job at it)

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    15,342
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    26
    Kudos:
    155
    Bookmarks:
    13
    Hits:
    1133
  19. 62

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    Summary

    This is all thrown out the window (or, rather, the windshield) when the driver slams on the brakes, very suddenly, and the entire bus lurches to a stop, barely avoiding slamming right into a red headed man with an armful of lobsters. The man stumbles and drops his lobsters, giving the bus an incredibly shocked look.

    And the man sprints away, clutching his lobsters to his chest. Todd can't really be sure, he hit his head pretty hard against the floor, but the red headed man looked very familiar.

     

     

    (In which Todd labels himself a Salmon of Doubt and Dirk doesn't know how to take care of a baby)

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    29,651
    Chapters:
    3/3
    Comments:
    79
    Kudos:
    397
    Bookmarks:
    62
    Hits:
    2983
  20. 35

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    Summary

    Several months after the Bergsberg case, the Agency is functioning with arguable efficiency. But, when an old friend of Dirk’s who died fifteen years ago shows up out of the blue, it’s clear that something, somewhere in the universe, is very, very wrong.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    56,886
    Chapters:
    14/14
    Comments:
    149
    Kudos:
    181
    Bookmarks:
    35
    Hits:
    2430

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