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  1. 42

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    So, Amanda and Dirk have been playing an increasingly dangerous and complex game of chicken that raised the stakes higher and higher each time. She knew that Dirk and Todd had found their footing with each other, through countless days of working cases at the agency, and basically living out of each other’s pockets in neighboring apartments.

    But now it was time for sweet revenge.

    It starts as a game, sure, but now Dirk is flustered and questioning everything. At least he gets to watch Todd blush as he does it.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    5,020
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    29
    Kudos:
    445
    Bookmarks:
    42
    Hits:
    2328
  2. 29

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    When a muscular, blond Norse God of Thunder arrives requesting Dirk's eager assistance, Todd isn't jealous. Not at all.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    8,512
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    40
    Kudos:
    221
    Bookmarks:
    29
    Hits:
    1611
  3. 4

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    Dirk couldn’t stand to see Todd this way any more than Todd could stand the reverse. He drew the neglected handkerchief from inside his coat and used it to dab at Todd’s cheeks.

    “Wendimoor very much happened,” he said, “and for quite a lot of necessary reasons.”

    Todd cracked a smile and almost laughed. “Like setting solid relationship role-models for us?”

    Dirk nodded, realizing he hadn’t even thought of that. “If they can weather a war, so can we.”

    “Panto’s and Silas’s parents will do a better job of communicating post-clusterfuck than mine.”

    “Count your blessings,” Dirk said, tucking the handkerchief in Todd’s pocket. “Mine are gone.”

    “Wait a minute,” Todd said, pulling Dirk in by the shoulders, wide-eyed. “Your parents are?”

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    4,000
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    26
    Kudos:
    102
    Bookmarks:
    4
    Hits:
    607
  4. *

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    Even from a young age, he isn’t a romantic. It’s around third grade that kids start writing to their Match, eight year olds asking questions about their name, where they’re from, what they like, who they are. Todd doesn’t. He’s not really into the idea of Matches, even if it’s something he can’t change. People fall in love with people. If he falls in love, he’s not going to fall in love with someone who he knows only from ink on his arms that he didn’t put there.

    Whoever his Match is, however, does not feel the same way. His left arm (so he must be right handed) is covered with doodles. Crude flowers drawn with what looks like ballpoint pens, so lots of skipping and gaps in the lines. Sometimes the outlines of hearts that look like fountain pens, but are smudged quickly, the ink running too hard.

    Soulmate AU where anything you write on your arm appears visible on your soulmate's. Written for the Dirk Gently Big Bang 2017.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    53,224
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    96
    Kudos:
    968
    Bookmarks:
    217
    Hits:
    8689
  5. 3

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    Dirk pushed past [Farah], taking the remaining stairs two at a time. He opened the front door and stepped onto the porch, only to halt in his tracks at the sight of a familiar van.

    Amanda stood with her elbow propped on the mailbox, leisurely smoking. She saluted him.

    “Hey, so,” she said, taking a final drag before pitching the joint, “congrats on accomplishing what every horny, stoned groupie between here and Chicago used to dream of.”

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    2,200
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    28
    Kudos:
    107
    Bookmarks:
    3
    Hits:
    696
  6. 3

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    Summary

    Panto Trost is finally returning to Wendimoor, and Silas Dengdamor is more than elated to see him... as well as the few guests he brings along with him.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,440
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    7
    Kudos:
    94
    Bookmarks:
    3
    Hits:
    851
  7. 11

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    "A fork.” Todd says, because that's what it is. He's holding a fork.

    “Ah, but this is not just any old fork. No.” Dirk says, and grins. “Watch this.” He pulls at the end with the prongs and the rest of it begins to get longer until he's holding a fork that's about twenty three inches long.

    “It's an…extendable fork.” He says, because there's really nothing else to say.

    “Yes. Spot on. Nice detecting Todd.” Dirk looks delighted, waving the extended fork around with wild abandon. “Anyway, I have a hunch it will be useful in the future so I bought it while in line at the chemist.”

     

     

    (In which Todd and Dirk and Farah try to settle into every day life and manage to do a spectacularly bad job at it)

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    15,342
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    26
    Kudos:
    151
    Bookmarks:
    11
    Hits:
    1075
  8. 24

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    Summary

    Todd has accepted that, however unlikely it may seem, Dirk Gently is his best friend. But he's not the guy's mother.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    3,314
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    35
    Kudos:
    285
    Bookmarks:
    24
    Hits:
    1508
  9. 23

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    Summary

    "You see, I believe in the fundamental interconnectedness of all things.”

    “…the fundamental what?”

    “The fundamental interconnectedness of all things. You see, I’m a holistic… something. I’m not sure.”

    “Dragon?”

    “Sure, yes, I suppose. Anyhow, the term ‘holistic’ refers to my convictions about the, you know, aforementioned-“

    “Fundamental interconnectedness of all things.”

    “Yes."

     

    Where the whole thing takes place in a fantasy world that is not unlike but not quite mostly for legal reasons Ankh-Morpork, Dirk is generally an existential dragon, Todd is a washed up electrical lute player, everyone is kind of awkward and useless except maybe for Amanda, and there is a boatload of fantasy references, plus one (1) Star Wars one.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    38,014
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    16
    Kudos:
    99
    Bookmarks:
    23
    Hits:
    756
  10. 59

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    This is all thrown out the window (or, rather, the windshield) when the driver slams on the brakes, very suddenly, and the entire bus lurches to a stop, barely avoiding slamming right into a red headed man with an armful of lobsters. The man stumbles and drops his lobsters, giving the bus an incredibly shocked look.

    And the man sprints away, clutching his lobsters to his chest. Todd can't really be sure, he hit his head pretty hard against the floor, but the red headed man looked very familiar.

     

     

    (In which Todd labels himself a Salmon of Doubt and Dirk doesn't know how to take care of a baby)

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    29,651
    Chapters:
    3/3
    Comments:
    77
    Kudos:
    384
    Bookmarks:
    59
    Hits:
    2864
  11. 21

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    Summary

    Todd is, at first, insulted that Farah and Amanda feel the need to tell him to "look after Dirk". Honestly, though, they're not wrong. Todd is a shit excuse for a human being, much less friend. But Dirk is going to have to work through Blackwing and the last two cases at some point, and Todd is going to help him. Or at least, help him ignore it long enough. Best Friends are supposed to do that.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    11,361
    Chapters:
    2/?
    Comments:
    21
    Kudos:
    136
    Bookmarks:
    21
    Hits:
    933
  12. 18

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    Summary

    '“Dirk… you know how to make cookies, right?”

    The detective glanced between Todd and the ingredients, brow furrowing. “Actually, I was rather hoping you did…”

    Todd sighed. He was gonna need another beer. “Let’s Google it.”'

    In which Dirk and Todd ill-advisedly try to bake cheer-up cookies for Farah at 3am, and maybe confront some feelings in the process. Fluffy, very lightly angsty anonymous prompt fill, rated teen for a spot of language and mild drunkenness.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    3,297
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    48
    Kudos:
    279
    Bookmarks:
    18
    Hits:
    2458
  13. 59

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    Summary

    “Todd,” he squeaks, possibly crushing Todd’s chest with the force of his grip. “Are you sure about this?”
     
    “Relax,” says Todd, and Dirk can’t see his face but he sounds entertained. “I won’t drop you.”

    In which Todd gives Dirk one (1) piggyback, and things sort of spiral from there.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    6,972
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    54
    Kudos:
    501
    Bookmarks:
    59
    Hits:
    3053
  14. 55

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    Summary

    "Icarus," Todd muses aloud, leaning back in his office chair. "That's, uh, the flying guy, right?"

    Dirk stiffens.

    Bingo.

    "Dirk," Todd says slowly, waiting for Dirk to look up and meet his eyes. "Can you fly?"

    Silence falls over the room, neither of them break eye contact.

    "...Sort of."

    In which Todd discovers that Dirk has another fickle superpower up his sleeve.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    4,805
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    69
    Kudos:
    337
    Bookmarks:
    55
    Hits:
    2178
  15. 1

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    Summary

    At half past eleven, Dirk’s mobile lit up with a text, and Todd mumbled that his stomach hurt.

    Dirk recognized Farah’s number, but the message was hidden. “I’ll fetch us something,” he said.

    Todd watched him dress, amused at Dirk's perfunctory job of it. “Commando, huh? No socks?”

    “Shut up,” Dirk said, half-buttoning his wrinkled shirt. “Who needs pants to make a sandwich?”

    “But you're wearing—” Todd huffed into the pillows, remembering “—trousers. Never mind.”

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,800
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    22
    Kudos:
    105
    Bookmarks:
    1
    Hits:
    675
  16. 21

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    Summary

    Picking up during the last episode of season two, dealing with all of the questions left unanswered.

    "So, The Boy was in Blackwing the whole time, and you've actually known him since you were a boy. The jacket is Mona, who is another Blackwing victim, and who also got you out of Blackwing, which is currently being run by Ken, Bart's friend, who fixed Patrick Spring's time machine in Seattle. In Wendimoor Amanda and Todd turned Pararibulitis into magical powers, and now Amanda has gone to find the rest of the people like you before Blackwing can, because the fabric of the universe is coming apart. Is that everything?"

     

    "Yes, essentially," Dirk says, as Todd is saying, "I don't have magic powers."

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    22,891
    Chapters:
    5/?
    Comments:
    39
    Kudos:
    99
    Bookmarks:
    21
    Hits:
    918
  17. 80

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    Summary

    The thing sweeps its scythe and straightens. It must sense eyes on it, because it turns it’s head and looks right at Svlad.
    It is a skull’s face, grinning and bleached. Svlad stares.
    It tilts it’s head, like it’s watching a particularly fascinating documentary, or a cat attempting to catch a laser pointer created dot.
    AH, it says. It’s mouth doesn’t move, but Svlad hears it’s voice all the same, resonating deep and forever. INTERESTING.

    A story of Death and the boy who could see him, through the years.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    26,468
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    70
    Kudos:
    276
    Bookmarks:
    80
    Hits:
    2583
  18. 27

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    Summary

    'If there was one thing Todd had learned in his time at the agency, it was that disaster followed Dirk Gently like a shadow. The guy didn’t just court danger, he downright seduced it.

    But Todd had been a little surprised to realise that Dirk was just as likely to meet his untimely end while making his morning tea as he was at the hands of cultists with crossbows. Possibly more so, actually. After all, cultists with crossbows made up a significantly smaller portion of their daily lives. Although not as significant as one would hope…'

    In which death has many near-Dirk experiences, and it's stressing Todd the eff out.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    2,304
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    41
    Kudos:
    307
    Bookmarks:
    27
    Hits:
    1583
  19. 6

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    Summary

    For the DGHDA Big Bang 2018.

    When a god disappears from an intergalactic church leaving behind swathes of followers with no choice but to face reality for a change, its has all the appearances of one of those bizarre and unique mysteries for the ages.

    It would be amiss to think that it has anything do with a small child experiencing the terror of their entire planet being engulfed.

    It would be awry to think that it has any link with Tina Tevetino waking up in a motel pool with years of past memories wiped.

    And it would be askew of anyone to connect it with Detective Farah Black and Not-Detective Todd Brotzman, the former solving a crime-a-day and the latter in the midst of child rearing.

    But "amiss" "awry" and "askew" are not words in Dirk Gently's dictionary. He spilt a banana flavoured milkshake over the "A" section quite a few years ago.

    This work is canon-compliant as per the end of Season 2. It refers to canon set out in the two Dirk Gently novels and the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series, but no knowledge of either is required to understand the work.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    34,012
    Chapters:
    9/?
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    50
    Kudos:
    33
    Bookmarks:
    6
    Hits:
    340
  20. 57

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    Summary

    Todd is not the marrying kind. Or at least that's what he's been telling himself.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    4,118
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    81
    Kudos:
    434
    Bookmarks:
    57
    Hits:
    2391

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