The children you thought you had lost

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Someone, at some point, really should've written a book about navigating this kind of situation. So You Got Your Boyfriend Pregnant: Now What? or, Coping With An Unplanned Male Pregnancy For Trans Dummies And Their Partners, or something like that. But since no one has, Dean and Cas just have to figure this out on their own.


NB: the author is a queer, pro-choice feminist. this fic is PRO-CHOICE and ends with an abortion, NOT babies. if that does not match your beliefs, then please, spare me and yourself the trouble and just don't read this fic. Whatever your argument is, believe me: I have heard it several times over, and you are not changing my mind by flaming me over your own inability to handle an mpreg fic with a trans man main character that does not end in babies ever after.


2nd June 2016: Okay, it has been almost four years since I finished this fic, and I hate that I even need to add this note, but apparently, a few things really need to be clarified, in the hopes that I can stop getting comments that either bag on me for being pro-choice and writing a pro-choice fic, or not being pro-choice enough bc I felt that it would compromise my characterization of Cas to write the fic without showing his internal struggles, showing that knowing an abortion is the right choice for him and that it's what he wants but still dealing with what it means to him emotionally.

Please understand: this used to be/still is one of my favorite fics that I'd ever written. It was a happy accident — the first part was just a oneshot, but then I wanted to write mpreg with a trans character bc at the time? there was literally NO mpreg fic with trans characters out there. Mine may not have been THE first, but I know for sure that it was one of the earliest ones, and the cissexism of the mpreg genre did not sit right with me. Conveniently, I had a verse that I could use for this.

So… I did. Writing it wasn't always easy. There were times I hated it and wanted to print it out just so I could set the pages on fire for a cathartic release over how much I hated it and how much I felt it sucked. But it was worth it, to me, in the end. Why? Because I'd found a vision and actualized it, with the nuance, love, and commitment that I felt it deserved and needed, in order to be anything "good." I wrote something that I was honestly proud of — which almost never happens for me — and I put a LOT of myself into this fic. Not bc Cas's situation is entirely like mine, or that I've ever found myself in a situation like this, but bc I needed this fic to be emotionally honest, and it required a lot of soul-searching on my part, to get this work to the place where I wanted it.

It's been four years since I finished this series, and it's still one of my favorites, more or less. However, several of the hate comments I've gotten over the past four years have made me feel sick enough that I couldn't even respond to them and just had to delete them. The survivors are mostly ones that I responded to, so I kept the original comments for the sake of the record.

They've been judgmental, vitriolic, and all around awful. Despite how I've had these fics tagged with, "abortion" since it entered the picture, people have come to yell at me bc they're pro-life and feel like I somehow deceived them with my ~*horrid pro-choice propaganda*~, or bc they feel offended that I might dare disagree with them & write a fic that's emotionally true for me — much less one that is deliberately pro-choice bc I'm pro-choice irl and it's an important social/political commitment to me.

It's not just important to me bc I believe that people who can get pregnant should be able to decide what to do with their own bodies if they do. It's also important to me bc these debates that reduce the uterus to its capacity to incubate fetuses? Are part of the culture that creates bullshit like every doctor my sister's ever seen telling her that they can't use a radical hysterectomy to alleviate her debilitating cysts, endometriosis, & menstrual pain bc "what if you want to have kids when you're older," instead of telling her about the uterus' role in producing hormones that help to sustain the bodies of people who have them. The loss of that functioning is part of what leads to menopause; interruptions to it that aren't deliberate & monitored can be fatal.

Yet, I was the first person to tell my sister any of this bc NONE of her doctors felt it was worth mentioning when they could try to emotionally manipulate her with "what about having kids" instead.

This isn't the only not immediately pregnancy-related reason why my pro-choice stance is important to me — but for all we fight, I love my little sister, so yeah. It's a big one. Another big one is how many of my friends with PCOS have had people in their lives try to pressure them out of taking the pill to regulate it bc it's apparently better to suffer but still hypothetically be able to get pregnant at any time, even if you don't want to or can't support a child right now.

Debates about abortion have wide-reaching ripple effects that have hurt I don't know how many innocents & several people I love — never mind how the more immediate effects have hurt people. My belief that everyone deserves better than this is why being pro-choice is so important to me.

So, TL;DR: if you're pro-life and can't handle a pro-choice perspective, that's nice. But this is a pro-choice fic, its status as a pro-choice fic is important to me & you won't change my mind by flaming me. So if you don't like that, then please: just move along. Go read or write something else that better suits your interests. This will be better for everyone.


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