Work Header

Patience. It's His Middle Name.

Work Text:

"Shrek?" Donkey waited about half a second and then prodded with his hoof. "Shreeeeek? Shrek Shrek Shrek?"

Shrek rolled over in one go, leaning out of bed and glaring. "Donkey? Donkey Donkey DONKEY! I don't know 'bout you, but I quite like m'beauty sleep! It's not even an hour past midnight, ya great lump, an' what 're you waking me fer?"

Donkey's ears had gone somewhat flat and he'd sat down with a thump during the tirade, but once it stopped, he bounced back up. "I have a question."

"A question. You. Have. A question."

"Yes. I have a question. About sex."

Shrek's eyes widened and he threw back the cover to sit up. "Donkey, ya can't ask me 'bout sex when I'm in bed. That's just wrong."

"Great, well now you're up. I have a question about sex." Donkey raised his eyebrows winningly.

"You're not going to go away until I answer, are you?"

"Of course not, Shrek! What are friends for?"

"Not this. Fine, what's the question?"

"The question is, are donkeys and dragons compatible?"

Shrek dropped his head into his hands. "Donkey, how would I know that?" His accent had become even more pronounced, which probably meant Donkey was freaking him out, but Donkey pressed on.

"I mean, if we're you know, doin' the nasty, am I gonna wind up with... donkons? dragkeys? drankeys? Because, I mean, I would do the right thing and all, but it's not like I have gold coming out my ass. See what I just did there? Ass."

"I see your ass. I see it all the time. I have no idea about drankeys, but if you already have the mechanics worked out--" Shrek shuddered-- "and please, please don' tell me if ya do, I suggest condoms."

"But what if I didn't have any available?"

"Then you ought to wait, like a good little Donkey. Since roaring doesn't work for that."

"But what if I didn't. Wait."


"No, I said--"

"Then you might have a problem."


"So this isn't a theoretical conversation. I knew it." Shrek got up and stomped over to the counter to catch up an enormous bottle of whatever it was he drank (mead? Turkey bile? It didn't matter; he never offered to share), then leaned against the cabinets as he chugged down half the bottle. "Look. Basic biology says it ought to me impossible, but science says Gingey is impossible, and look at him."

"Is he having sex problems too?"

"No! I hope not! No! Just. Maybe you should talk about this with someone else. A veterinarian, maybe?"

"You just want me gelded for your convenience. I would be so much more tractable, gelded, wouldn't I? I thought you were my friend." Donkey turned his back and sat down again, staring at the far wall.

"You know what, that would be more convenient, but actually, I was just thinking they might have more practical advice."

"Maybe I'll ask Fiona. Fioooona!"

"She wakes up cranky, you know."

"I know, but she loves me."

"Loves me more, an' I don't wake her unless I'm lookin' for a fight."

"Fine. I'll just leave her a note. She can get back to me. Do you have a pencil? And some paper? And a hoof attachment so I can hold the pencil?"

Shrek glared. "No, no, and no. I'll tell her you have a question. She'll get back to ye when she wants to. Mean time, you wait, if you don't have a condom, unless you're willing to risk drankeys."

"You're such a good friend, Shrek. Tell her I'll be at Dragon's house."

"Dragons don't live in houses. Wait, Donkey! If you're going back there--"

"I'll be patient, Shrek! I know all about patience! You know me! Missster Patience. It's my middle name. Wait, I don't have a last name, so it's my lassst name!" Donkey pranced out the door and beamed back. Shrek looked worried, but that was just silly. Fiona would know what to do about the eggs, and everything would be fine.