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Escape from the Orc Lair of Unnecessarily Revealing Armour

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PANEL: Betty, beaten up, with torn clothes, is flung against a stone wall in a cell. She splats upside-down, legs and arms slightly splayed, and falls to the floor.

PANEL: Dee lands, crushing Betty under a tangle of limbs.

PANEL: Hannah flies through the air head over heels, does a perfect roll, and lands crouching on the pile of bodies, giving a middle finger.

PANEL: Violet crashes violently into Hannah, sending both tumbling into a wall.

PANEL: A pile of bodies seen through a cell doorway. Hannah's raised arm is still giving a middle finger.

PANEL: An orc guard slams the cell door shut. The pile of rat queens are visible through the bars.
Hannah: (groaning, angrily) Betty!

PANEL: A conversation from the pile of battered bodies.
Betty: Why do you think this is my fault?
Hannah: Because I'm not stupid.

PANEL: Full figure of Orc Guard, wearing an open worn leather jerkin, and a chain mail posing pouch.
Orc Guard: (growling) If it helps, it was totally her fault.

PANEL: Rat queens sitting up.
Hannah: What did you do this time?
Violet: (to guard) And why are you wearing a chain-mail bikini?
Dee: (to Betty) And where is *your* chain mail bikini?

Orc Guard: *growl*

Betty: Well...

PANEL: Hannah grabbing Betty by the throat up against the stone wall.
Hannah: Spill.

PANEL: [grey-scale flashback] Betty wearing a chain-mail bikini. A large skeleton is swinging a comically oversized sword which bounces off her in a shower of sparks. It is obviously massively exaggerated brag of something that didn't exactly happen. Betty is stabbing the skeleton.
Skeleton: Agh! Spare us Betty!

PANEL: [grey-scale flashback] a crowd of people are clamouring around Betty.
Crowd: We love you Betty!

Hannah: We all remember the chain-mail bikini. It wasn't that awesome.

Violet: I don't see what's wrong with armour that COVERS YOUR HEART AND STOMACH!
Violet: (And breasts and arse.)

Betty: It's enchanted! You don't get any more protection from more physical metal.
Betty: It was as good as plate, but much sexier.
Betty: I'm a rogue. I can't wear actual armour.
Betty: I look amazing. It's just awesome, ok?

Dee: This is beside the point. How did your sartorial choice in armour get us into this cell?
Orc guard: She was at the trading post.

PANEL: [grey-scale flashback] Betty pickpocketing a small party of orcs in small corner market.
Betty: (voice-over) I met a trading party, and saw a trinket I really liked.

PANEL: [grey-scale flashback] An orc swinging a club at Betty and Betty stepping out of the blow.
Betty: (voice-over) They shared some fighting techniques with me.

PANEL: [grey-scale flashback] A spirited fight.
Betty: I made a counter-offer.

PANEL: [grey-scale flashback] Betty and orcs being dragged apart by town guard.
Betty: And when things calmed down...

PANEL: Orc guard head shot.
Orc guard: We asked her how she fought so well without armour.

PANEL: Betty and orc guard
Betty: I told them about enchanted armour.
Orc guard: No you didn't.

PANEL: Betty
Betty: I told them all the advantages of revealing armour.
Betty: The ease of movement.
Betty: Showing off your assets.
Betty: But I forgot one thing...

Dee: Orcs are ugly?
Betty: No!
Orc guard: No!
Violet: No!

PANEL: Half-size panel of each pane of argument
Orc Guard: She forgot to tell us the armour only works because it's enchanted!

Betty: I thought that was obvious.

Orc guard: So why did you talk the general into buying a large consignment of unenchanted skimpy armour?

Betty: Because I wanted the money?


Betty: I thought you were planning to enchant them once you'd got them.

Orc guard: With our orc wizards? The learned orcs known for their mastery of arcane magic?

Betty: That's a vile slur! Orcs can be wizards.

Orc: But we're NOT. Why did you think we were buying them if they would be completely useless to us?

Betty: Because you were stupid? Cavvy-at empty-or, it's not my fault you jumped to the wrong conclusion.

Orc: It's not my fault you're going to die in the gladiator pits

Betty: Won't get your money back though, will it?

Orc guard: GRAAAAH!

Dee: Stop taunting the jailer.

Hannah: And you're the rogue. Get us out of here.

Betty: I'm doing it! I'd doing it.
Betty: I can pick this lock in seconds.
Orc guard: You know I'm right here in this conversation, right?

PANEL: The cell door. A large wooden beam slid through iron hoops on either side. Behind it, Violet's face.
Violet: And you know the door doesn't have a lock?

Betty: It doesn't matter. I can seduce my way out of here.
Orc guard: You know I can hear that too?

Betty: I'm just that good.

PANEL: Betty running hand along her body.
Betty: Wouldn't you like some of this.

Orc guard: I know it's a trap. If you escape, I'll be next up in the punishment queue.

Betty: But guards let people trick them *all the time*. If they still respected your competence after the trading mess, you'd be on the front line, not stuck guarding a bunch of prisoners.

Betty: You know, tomorrow, they'll probably kill us. Or sell us to the gladiator pits, or the brothel wagon.

Betty: I'd love to have a real Orc one last time before that.

Betty: They pay you well, right? You could easily afford a few hours with a fresh exotic in the brothel wagon?
Betty: Or not?

PANEL: (paired with following panel)
Betty: Have you had a halfling?

PANEL: Close-up.
Betty: *Ever*?

PANEL: Orc looking at Betty speculatively.

PANEL: Betty beckoning lasciviously.

Orc: So... what exactly are you proposing here?

Betty: You shuffle over to these bars.

PANEL: Close up of Orc's crotch.
Betty: Ease yourself out of that ridiculous little bikini.

PANEL: Betty miming.
Betty: And reeeeeach through the bars, and I'll have a little taste.

Betty: And we'll go from there.

Orc: You want me to let you go?

Betty: Oh no, we couldn't ask that!

Betty (best fake innocent look): It's not a trick, honest! I just really like you.

Orc: So, you give me a blow job? And I don't have to do anything in return?

PANEL: Betty winks.
Betty: Only some thrusting

Orc: Well...
Betty: Yes?
Orc: I can't say no to that.

Hannah: JACKPOT!

Hannah: What?
Hannah: I'm sorry, ignore me.
Hannah: Go back to your bad flirting.

Orc: But not with you.

Betty: What?

Orc: I'm up against a flogging here, if I'm risking that I want what I actually want.

Betty: Which isn't me?

Orc: No.
PANEL: Betty pouts.

Orc: I want the cute, up-tight one.
PANEL: Hannah, Dee and Violet look at each other, wondering who he means.

Betty: Come on, uh...
Orc: The cleric. The one with the skulls.

PANEL: Large panel of Dee.
Dee: Oh, N'Rygoth. No fucking way.

Betty: Come on Dee, don't make the nice Orc feel unwanted.

Dee: There's a reason for that.

Betty: Remember, you're trying to seduce him here.

Dee: You seduce him!

Betty: I just did. It's working!
Violet: She kind of did, Dee-dee.

PANEL: Betty mimes licking.
Betty: Come on, just a liiiiitle licking.

Dee: NO!

Betty: Go on, show her the goods.
PANEL: Large panel, paired with same pose in next panel. Orc rips away chain-mail bikini.
PANEL: Large panel, paired with same pose in prev panel. 3/4 erect orc penis is exposed. Twisted and scarred, it looks not diseased, but cursed. A drop of black ichor glistens on the end.


Hannah: What the fuck happened, dude?
Orc: We were clearing out the necromancer's dungeon.

Orc: I found a trap slightly too late.
Betty: With your face.
Violet: Well, with his dick.

Orc: It doesn't hurt.
Orc: I mean, for you. As well as me.
Orc: Well, unless you're part celestial?
Orc: Are you part celestial? Cos, you know... (anticipatory look)

Dee: I don't care!

Betty: Stop being so squeamish.
Betty: It's like you don't even want to suck Orc dick.

PANEL: Extra large.
Dee: I DON'T want to suck Orc dick.

Hannah: Come on, it's not like you've never sucked someone off for...

PANEL: Hannah's face.
Hannah: Have you ever sucked someone off?

Dee: Shut up.

Hannah: Maybe you'll like it.
Betty: You'll *definitely* like it.
Violet: Hopefully you'll like the chance of escape.

Dee: Fucking fine.

Dee: But Betty, you owe me BIG.
Dee: Like, go a whole mission without screwing up and getting us captured big.
Dee: OK?
Betty: Good luck with that.

Orc: Get on with it, then.

PANEL: Dee walks over to bars.
Dee: Come on, then.
Dee: I swear I'm not going to bite it off.

PANEL: Orc glaring.

Orc: Swear by N'Rygoth.

PANEL: Dee glaring back.

Orc: Or I can shout upstairs, the prisoners are trying to escape.
Orc: Big rush of guards, beat you up some.

PANEL: Betty and Orc staring each other down.
Betty: If the guards come, you won't get your wiener polished by the cute cultist.
Orc: If the guards come, no-one will ever get their wiener polished by the cute cultist ever again.

Dee: By N'Rygoth.
Dee: I will not sink my teeth into your stupid wiener.
Dee: I will not bite it off and spit it out.
Dee: Or any other parts of your anatomy either.

Orc to Betty: Isn't that more fun than having you do it?
Betty: *pouts*

Orc: Does she keep her word?
Dee: Fuck you, yes!
Hannah: Yes, of course.
Violet: Sadly.
Betty: Of course not, uh, I mean, yes.

PANEL: Full panel of Dee, standing challengingly
Dee: Come on, stop fucking around then.

Six panels together:

Orc: Kneel.
1. PANEL: Dee reluctantly kneeling.

2. PANEL: Orc has moved up against bars, gripping Dee by the hair. The following panels are mostly seen past orc from behind, focussing on Dee.

3. PANEL: Orc's hand roughly caresses Dee's face, tilting her head to the side

4. PANEL: Orc's hand roams down over her chest, squeezing her breast through her tunic.

5. PANEL: Orc's hand runs over her leg, sliding behind the thin strip of cloth between her legs, showing her leg all the way up, and cupping her.

6. PANEL: Dee punches Orc in the testicles. He doubles over, smashing his face into the bars, but keeping hold of Dee's hair.

Hannah: Dude, don't get greedy, keep to the deal.
Orc (winded, to Dee): Get on with it, then.

1. PANEL: Side view of Dee kneeling before Orc, erect penis sticking through bars of cell. He still holds her hair. The next few panels copy the pose.

2. PANEL: Dee squinting at penis.

3. PANEL: Dee ducking her head forward, then shying away.

4. PANEL: Dee sticking her tongue out, cringing away from touching the penis.

5. PANEL: Dee delicately licking the side of the penis. It twitches appreciatively.

6. PANEL: Dee touching the tip of the penis with her lips, tongue delicately teasing the tip.

1. PANEL: Closer view for the next few panels, showing Dee shoulders up. Orc twisting Dee's hair to bring her closer.

2. PANEL: Dee sliding her mouth forward.

3. PANEL: And more forward.

4. PANEL: And engulfing most of the penis.

5. PANEL: Head moving back and forth.
Orc: Ooooaaaah.

6. PANEL: Zoom out from same angle. Hannah shoulder-charges the door, sending it crashing flat crushing the Orc. Violet and Betty rush through the doorway behind her, grabbing Dee up.

PANEL: Hannah and Violet drag Dee forward. She wipes a black stain off her mouth with an ambiguous backwards glance.

PANEL: In four small panels:
Betty (to door): I said I could pick you even without a lock.
Betty (to Orc): Next time, bad boy *blows kiss*
Betty (grabbing Orc's chain-mail bikini and coin purse): Waste not, want not.
Betty (kicking Orc through the bars): And be nicer to Dee next time.

Hannah (striking a dramatic pose): This way to freedom!

PANEL: A full page. The rat queens run from the corridor into a whole band of orcs, surrounding the orc general. In a corner, several of the orcs are exchanging money, and arguing about who won which bets about how long it would take for the queens to escape.
Hannah (striking a dramatic pose): The other way to freedom!