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Dudley Disgusting

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“Should we telephone Dudders that we’re on our way?” Vernon asked.

“He’s probably still asleep, and we’ll be there in another hour,” Petunia pointed out. “I’m sure the poor boy has worn himself out studying. What a pity he couldn’t graduate with his class at Smeltings. You should have been more firm with the headmaster.”

“He failed the re-entrance examination; not much I could do about that,” Vernon reminded her. “He didn’t learn a thing from those wishy-washy lessons you gave him while we were hiding from Lord Volleyball.”

“I did my best,” Petunia flared. “I couldn’t very well teach him subjects I never had.”

“Well, if he passes the summer school examinations, it will all work out. I must say, it was very mature of him to pass up vacation so he could study,” Vernon said proudly.


Dudley’s textbooks lay in a heap on his bedroom floor, untouched since his parents' departure. On the desk was a folder of stolen exams purchased from Piers Polkiss. Across the hall, Dudley and a girl he had met in summer school occupied the master bedroom.

“When did you say your parents are coming home?” she asked, tracing the outline of Dudley‘s jaw with her finger.

“Tomorrow,” Dudley said. “That gives us another day and night.”

“It’s a bit kinky, having sex in their bed,” she giggled.

“I like it kinky,” Dudley growled, pulling her closer.  "Would you spank me again?" 


Petunia unlocked the front door, glad to be home. Vernon brought in their luggage.

“I’ll check on Diddykins,” she said fondly. “Maybe he’d like breakfast in bed.”

“Good idea. He deserves a reward for working so hard,” Vernon nodded, sorting through the accumulated mail.

Petunia was only mildly surprised when she discovered Dudley's empty bedroom.  He had probably gotten up early and gone to the library.  She stacked his textbooks on the desk, idly opening the folder from Piers. Her expression hardened as she scanned the contents. When she started downstairs to show Vernon, she came face to face with a naked girl exiting the master bedroom.

Passersby were startled to hear angry shouts coming from Number Four. Clothing rained from an upstairs window, followed by a suitcase. A girl was shoved out the front door, half dressed and wearing only one shoe.


Two hours later, Vernon and Petunia’s mattress lay sunning in the back yard. The bed linens were on their second hot water wash. Petunia was taking no chances; God only knew what diseases that nasty slut carried.

Dudley and his textbooks were locked in the bedroom once occupied by Harry. The stolen exams were put through a paper shredder. After Petunia shoved Dudley’s lunch through the cat flap, she collapsed in Vernon’s arms.

“Why did my precious Diddykins have to grow up?” she sobbed.