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Social Security

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Social Security by Halrloprillalar

by Halrloprillalar <>
SPOILERS: Not really.
DISTRIBUTION: Archive freely. Email forwarding OK.
RATING: R for strong language and adult situations.
KEYWORDS: Humour. Slash. Het.
SUMMARY: Scully puts her mother in a home.
September 2000
NB: Sparked by a discussion of "sexy senior citizens" on a slash list.

"Sometimes I did it for money and sometimes I did it for fun and
 sometimes I did it for pudding."
  -- Old woman charged with prostitution in a care home,
     on "Night Court"

by Halrloprillalar <>

Scully realised it was time for her mother to go into a home. After all, even though she couldn't remember just exactly how old her mother was, it was definitely more than fifty. So Scully made all the arrangements to get her a room at the Very Old People's Sunshine Rest and Care Home, which had never been sued once for beating up the old people and didn't employ any criminals.

She knew she'd have a hard time convincing her mother, so she borrowed some of the ice cubes that Mulder had been saving from that time when the water in his building had been laced with LSD and made her mother a nice cocktail. Then she pushed her in the car and took her to the home.

By the time they got there, Mrs Scully was getting kind of violent, which now that Scully thought about it was exactly what had happened to Mulder and Skinner had had to put him in a headlock and everything. Skinner didn't happen to be there, so the orderlies strapped Mrs Scully to the bed. Scully figured she'd be okay.

A few months later, Mulder and Scully were out on a case and Scully suddenly remembered that she hadn't visited her mother. "Let's go over right now," Mulder said. "We don't have a chance of finding this serial killer until he offs a few more people anyhow."

"But we can't go now. Visiting hours aren't until 4 PM." Scully frowned. "They're very strict."

Mulder waved his hand dismissively. "That doesn't apply to us." And he drove to the Very Old People's Sunshine Rest and Care Home.

The staff didn't want to let them in, but Mulder flashed his badge and walked right past the front desk. Scully followed. Probably the old people were just having naps or something. Scully tried to walk quietly, but she was wearing really high heels so it was hard.

Scully knew that sometimes rest homes were sad sort of places, so she got ready to wall off her emotions even more than usual. But nothing in all her years of FBI and medical work could have prepared her for what they found.

Inside the recreation room, where Scully had innocently imagined the old people watching TV and playing Old Maid, there was an orgy going on. A naked orgy. An elderly naked orgy.

In one corner, the Well Manicured Man, not a hair out of place, pounded into the Cigarette Smoking Man, who was smoking even during sex. Scully was surprised by how limber and virile they were.

On the rug in front of the fireplace, Senator Matheson and Mrs Mulder were engaged in some leisurely sixty-nine. They appeared to be enjoying themselves very much. Scully glanced at Mulder, but he was looking over at the shuffleboard table. On top of which were two older gentlemen Scully vaguely recognised from the big mutant scare over the summer. They were involved in an extended make-out session.

"My God, Scully," Mulder said, "I always knew there was something between Xavier and Magneto. Do you think they'd mind if I asked for their autographs?"

No wonder her mother had never called begging to be taken home. But where was she?

"Dana, over here." Mrs Scully, stark naked, waved at her daughter from the big green couch. Sitting next to her was a younger man, fully dressed. And beside him, another naked woman.

"Dana, I'd like you to meet my friends. This is Richard Fish." Close to, Scully could see he was wearing a badge that identified him as a volunteer. And that he was giving her the once over. "And this is Mrs Troi."

"Call me Lwaxana." The woman held out her hand for Scully to shake. "Margaret, you never told me you had such a lovely daughter. She should meet my Deanna sometime."

Scully nodded to Mrs Troi, then turned to Mrs Scully. "Mom, if this is a bad time, we can come back."

"Whatever you like, dear. We won't be that much longer."

"I'll just look around a little."

Mulder was over by the shuffleboard table, brandishing his autograph book. Scully noticed a man sitting by himself at a card table. He was older, with grey hair and a lined face, but fully dressed. He was perfectly still, hands folded in front of him.

"Excuse me, sir? Are you okay?" Probably he was depressed because nobody would fuck him. Not that Scully was going to offer. But she had been brought up to be polite and talk to people that nobody else would talk to. "Don't you like it here?"

The man looked up. "It's okay. But I'd rather be catching serial killers. Wouldn't you?"

Scully agreed but since Mulder had the car keys, she was stuck for the time being. She was trying to think of some other topic of conversation, when Mulder joined them.

"Ready to go, Mulder?" Scully hoped so.

"Um, Scully, not yet." Mulder sat down, completely ignoring the man at the table. "I never told you this before, but you remember that time we got prematurely aged really fast? I...uh...I thought you were really hot like that."

Scully was flattered. "So, what's your point, Mulder?"

"Well, I want to stay. Magneto says he can age me back to old again. And I might even get some super powers too!"

Scully knew she should be surprised, but really she wasn't. "But, Mulder, what about the serial killer?"

At those words, the old man's eyes lit up and it gave Scully a good idea. "What's your name?" she asked him.


"Mulder, give Frank your badge and gun and car keys."

Mulder did as he was told. "Bye, Scully."

"Bye, Mulder. We'll come visit you some time. During normal visiting hours."

So Mulder stayed and got made old and turned into a super hero called the Grey Fox. And he had sex with everybody in the Very Old People's Sunshine Rest and Care Home, except for his mother, and lived happily ever after, especially after Skinner got old and came to the home too.

Scully and Frank caught lots of serial killers and didn't have sex at all.

So it all worked out okay.


Can you think of a way I could have worked in Harrison Ford? Suggestions and feedback to