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The Blue Notebook

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Jensen loves Jared. He's pretty sure Jared knows it, even though they've never actually said it to each other. It's sort of implied. Jensen trusts him with the most private parts of his life.

What Jared doesn’t know, is that Jensen is also in love with him – in totally epic gay love. It’s a huge part of him, and the only part Jensen has never been able to share. He’s not that kind of guy who takes chances. You know that thing, about better to have tried than wonder your whole life about what you might have missed? It’s totally opposite of Jensen. He won’t give up the friendship he has with Jared for any sort of selfish chance at… sex. And romance. And… and having absolutely all of Jared.

Sure, he’s entertained the notion of telling Jared – he even wrote down some pros and cons. It’s all fantasy, though.

That’s why he’s completely bewildered and stupefied when they are sitting in the living room one day, Jared on his side, and he blurts out, “Do you want to go out with me?”

Jared is staring at the game, absorbed. He looks at Jensen suddenly, and he looks slightly dazed when he replies. His grin is suddenly so blinding it makes Jensen’s heart want to hammer out of his chest. “Yeah, that would be great! What did you have in mind, Jen?”

Jensen tries to stop himself from hyperventilating. “Um… um. I… what about… we go see that new Johnny Depp movie tomorrow? And…” he swallows “Dinner?” He tries to compose himself, school his features into something at least resembling calm.

Jared agrees and Jensen escapes into his room in order to… well, escape.

The next day, Jensen is so nervous he can’t eat. He spends a lot of time in his room, pretending to read in order to avoid Jared. He’s just that nervous.

He tries to think of a decent restaurant to visit. Something close to the movie theatre. Not too casual. Casual enough not to feel strained and awkward. Nice enough to have a good atmosphere, but not nice enough to need reservations like two weeks ago. He looks it up online and makes a list of places. It takes him three hours to decide.

He freaks out and calls Danneel to give him advice on what to wear. She screams and jumps around the room, by the sound of things, when Jensen tells her he’s got a date with Jared. He feels slightly relieved that he’s not the only one feeling so thirteen year-old about it. Then she laughs at him for being nervous about clothes, detailing almost every situation in which Jared has seen him in a state which was less than perfect. He wants to strangle her.

When he gets down to the kitchen later, Jared isn’t there. Instead of looking for him, Jensen leaves him a post-it note on the fridge, indicating the time when Jared should be ready. Jensen always schedules their stuff anyway, so it’s not something they need to discuss.

They have the greatest time ever. Jensen even touches Jared. He touches Jared. He can’t even process it, doesn’t know what’s going on with his brain. He’s definitely not that sort of person who takes what he wants. Every single person who’s ever gone out with him made the first move. Every single person. When Jensen’s leg touches Jared’s under the restaurant table, he feels butterflies – raging, homicidal butterflies – in the pit of his stomach.

They sit together at the movies, and eat from the same popcorn. Jared whispers stupid funny shit into his ear all through the fucking movie. In the end, Jensen doesn’t have a clue what the fuck the movie was about. Half the time he barely even registers what Jared is saying. The only thing he feels is himself melting away into a puddle of goo on the floor. He wants to giggle like a pubescent girl when Jared’s breath tickles his ear. ‘Cause this? This is what perfection feels like. He should probably follow the movie in case Jared asks him about it later, but it’s not like he’s able to concentrate when Jared is so close to him, whispering nonsense.

He feels like he’s in a permanent state of bliss by the time the movie is over. He grins at how easy the whole thing has been – just how much they fit. He even plucks up enough courage to lean into Jared, breathe in his scent, close his eyes and – That’s when everything goes to hell.

Turns out, he should have probably been clear about the date part of the equation (as if) because Jared is the most fucking clueless person on the whole fucking planet. He thanks Jensen for the awesome time, because it was great to finally get out of the house, and calls Jensen the best friend in the whole wide world.

Yeah.

That’s pretty much Jensen’s breaking point. 

A week later, Jared is not home when Jensen takes out his ‘Jared Notebook’. It’s a nice blue Moleskine he got from Mack three years ago.

You see, Jensen likes making lists. He’s probably a little too OCD about it, but everyone’s got something, right? The notebook contains all lists Jensen’s made about Jared. Sometimes he feels so fucking guilty about having that secret part of him that it gnaws at him and he can’t sleep. He puts things down on paper because lists calm him. And even if the notebook is probably the creepiest thing he’s ever had… well Jared will never know, will he? He’s allowed this one thing.

The notebook sits on the desk, staring at him. He stares back.

He wants to burn it. Paper by paper, he’ll tear it down, and watch the words catch aflame. He’s completely done with pining away for Jared and burning the notebook seems to signify the ending. He can’t keep going on. He’s settling down, making peace with the fact that Jared’s friendship is what he’ll get. That’s enough. Jared and he do everything together to the point that people already mistake them for a couple anyway. They live together and they cuddle, for fuck’s sake. He’s already got more from Jared than any friend he’s ever had.

He’s completely at peace with his decision. He is.

He gets up from the couch to take a some matches, and then his phone rings. The display reads Danneel. She is in Vancouver filming some summer flick. When they broke up, it was a while until they got to the point where they could easily be friends, but the fact she knew Jensen was in love with Jared kind of helped in a strange way. 

He picks up the phone absentmindedly.

She tells him she’s been a car accident. Jensen takes off out of the house in less than 15 seconds.

---

He doesn’t remember that he left IT in the living room until he opens the door and sees Jared reading it.

His stomach turns unpleasantly. This is the end of everything. This is the part where he loses Jared forever. Sure, he might not lose him completely, if Jared decides to go the ‘Letting You Down Easy’ route. He finds that unlikely, however, when his mind supplies him with words and pictures in his mind, of all the things he’s written in it through the years.

Imagine someone taking a stroll through your most private, most shameful thoughts, memories and desires. He doesn’t think a friend, even as great as Jared, could seriously get past knowing someone had a notebook filled with a fantasy life with him. It wasn’t just about being in love and having it spelled out there. It was all from ‘I want to have at least two of your adopted babies’ to ‘I want to have dirty hot sex with you in the Impala while we’re dressed as Sam and Dean, and classic rock is playing in the background’

Now that’s seriously something Jared would consider fucked up enough to ruin everything.

It makes Jensen run. He makes it three blocks away from the house, before collapsing on the ground and emptying his stomach into a bush.

Half an hour later, he collects himself enough to realize he’s in public and he has to go somewhere. He decides to go back to Danneel’s place, who’s alone at home with a broken arm after that car accident.

He’s still numb and pretty much unresponsive when he rings the doorbell.

She starts to speak, probably to ask what he’s doing back, but she stops when she takes a good look at him. She gives him a one armed hug on the doorstep and pulls him to the living room couch.

His phone keeps vibrating in his jeans pocket, so he takes it out and turns it off.

They sit together, huddled on the couch. Danneel doesn’t even say a thing when he starts crying right on her chest. She only holds tighter and pets his hair.

“He found out,” he tells her an hour later. His limbs are numb and his face feels itchy.

“Oh, honey,” she says emphatically. “I’m so sorry. What did he do?”

“Nothing,” he says flatly. “I ran away before he could do anything.”

“You ran away? You didn’t hear what he had to say? Oh Jensen.”

That’s how he explains, not going into much detail, exactly how Jared found out. “I couldn’t face him.”

“Maybe he didn’t even read much before you showed up,” she tries to console him. “Maybe he stopped reading."

“He had that look. I know he read it.” He wants to cry again. He knows he’s fucked up and girly, but shit. “I was ready to give up on everything. I was ready to make peace with what I had. Why did this have to happen now, Danni? Why?”

“I don’t know, honey.”

“I… can I stay here for a bit?”

Danneel looks at him, considering. “Of course, Jense.”

----

He wakes up hours later. Danneel is sitting on the couch, watching some sitcom.

When she notices that he’s up, she turns to him and turns off the TV.

“You know I never tell you what to do,” she starts, making a motion for him to stay quiet. “I never ask anything of you, I never make you do things you don’t want to do. Because I know you. I know how shy you are when you’re not facing any cameras. I have never tried to make you come out and take the things you want, but are afraid to have. Maybe I should have.”

“Danneel – ”

“Shhh, let me finish this,” she says, her voice sharper. “Jared does, sometimes. He pushes your limits just enough to help, but not enough to seem like a pushy bitch. He knows what you can take. Maybe I should take a page out of his book.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Listen to me, Jensen. Listen very carefully. I always thought I just had to let you live and learn. You, however, are not. And this bit right here… I have to say. You can’t stay here tonight.”

“What?”

“You have to go back to Jared. Talk to him right away, or sleep it off and talk tomorrow. Being here, however, will make it so much worse. I know Jared, honey. I know things can’t be as bad as you think they are. You’ll make yourself sick again, just like after the not-date. You can’t run anymore. At least go home.”

“I can’t. I’m not ready! Don’t tell me—”

“You can call me fucking insensitive, but I don’t care. I don’t give a shit that you’re not ready. What I care about, is your health, your state of mind, and Jared. If this goes your way, you’ll run away to fucking Tahiti and won’t ever speak to Jared. I know your mind, and I know there’s a 99% chance you’ve already thought of where you could go. So I’m telling you that you have to at least return home. Is that clear?”

“You can’t make me go. You can’t. I could go to a hotel.” His heart is thudding in his chest.

“I’ll call Jared.” Her threat is not a bluff, and Jensen knows.

“You wouldn’t,” he says, but it’s pointless.

“Either I call Jared right now to come pick you up, or you let me drive.”

Jensen is so stunned that he forgets the option where he could just walk out of her house right now.

He lets her drive him home. She watches him get into the house, with her thumb on the number to speed-dial Jared.

In the end, he gets into the house, once again terrified. Danneel did give him this whole speech during the car ride, but it’s not helping much when he sees Jared. He looks worried and exhausted.

“Jensen.”

“No. No, I don’t want to deal with this now. Let me go, let me go to bed, please.” Even the tiny bit of reassurance that Danneel managed to hammer into him flies out of the window.

“I have to say this now or else you’ll spend the whole night freaking out,” Jared tells him. Yeah, as opposed to what? Jensen sees himself freaking out in any situation. His stomach feels all weird again.

“I’m not really good at this as much as you are –”

“Jared –” He has to stop him, because Jared can’t say anything. There’s no way.

The embarrassment of the situation burns so bright and hot that Jensen can’t think. Before he knows it, the conversation is continuing, and Jared is telling him that he’s in love with him.

There’s only one thing to do now. He’s so weak and he wants it so badly that he doesn’t even have time to let the guilt settle. The situation can’t be any worse than it already is.

He lets Jared kiss him. He kisses back. He lets Jared blow him and he blows him back. It’s perfect and everything Jensen has ever wanted. It is blissfully amazing. Jared’s mouth on him makes him want to scream and go completely insane. Wet, dirty, sloppy. Beautiful.

When Jared falls asleep later, Jensen cries into his shoulder.

---

He’s awake before Jared. Not even ten seconds pass before the inevitable guilt sets in.

Jensen has thought a lot about telling Jared he’s in love with him, of course. That’s why he knows what today is – he’s imagined every single scenario that could go down.

One of the reasons Jensen loves Jared so much is due to Jared’s devotion to him. He knows Jared would do almost anything for him. Would that include giving Jensen this?

He has to keep his mind and body occupied, so he starts making breakfast.

When Jared wakes up, telling him “Morning” easily, Jensen tenses and greets him back. It’s too much, it’s… it’s too much. Jared can’t possibly be in love with him. He’s never… Jensen can’t see it being real.

Jared traps him by the counter, making him finally look into his eyes. What he sees there makes Jensen want to cry, but for entirely different reasons than last night. Jared tells him, reassures him. Words Jensen thought he could only dream about. More than words, though, Jensen believes the look Jared gives him. Jensen finally understands. It is real. He can have Jared. Jared might not be gay, he might be Jensen’s best friend, but he’d never sleep with Jensen just because Jensen wants it. Jared…. Jared is in love with him. It hits him like a sledgehammer. He wants to kiss Jared, put his hands on every inch of his skin, and make love to him until there’s only the feel of them together, forever.

There’s a long list of things Jensen wants to say, too. He’s still embarrassed beyond words about some of the things Jared knows. It’s fine, though. It’s all good. The heat in Jared’s eyes tells him everything he needs to know.

FIN


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