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The One Where Nobody Gets Laid

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Title: The One Where Nobody Gets Laid
Author: xDarkDesires
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 2,900
Warnings: strong language & sexual themes
Summary: Jared is so ready to take things further but the whole world seems to be against him ever getting laid. That's ok though, because nobody else is getting laid either.

Part 3 of The One... Series



The One Where Nobody Gets Laid

Jared loved Fridays. It was the longest possible time before he had his next class and he got to spend a whole weekend with Jensen. This weekend would be even better because Jensen didn't have finals to study for and Jared was finally going to get him into bed. He intended on it being slightly more romantic than that but they'd been together for nearly two months now and Jared was going to get blue balls if they didn't sleep together soon. He'd happily wait forever but he and Jensen were more than ready.

The even bigger bonus was that Chad had a girlfriend so he'd be spending the weekend at her place. Sophia was pissed at him for 'whoring himself out all the damn time' but Jared knew better. He'd never tell her he knew she was jealous though because he quite liked his balls attached to his body thank you very much.

"Sup homo." Chad waved at him as he entered their dorm room but Jared ignored him.

"Dude!" Jared burst out laughing when he caught sight of Chad.

Chad glared at him but Jared couldn't stop himself from laughing. He had a bag of frozen peas held delicately over his crotch and a bright red hand print on his cheek. Jared fished out his cell phone from his pocket and quickly snapped a picture and sent it to Jensen and Sophia.

JARED: Chad finally got what he deserved!

SOPHIA: Castrated?

JENSEN: Herpes?

"What the hell happened?" Jared asked when he could finally control his laughter.

Chad shrugged. "Crabs."

"Ew." Jared scrunched up his face in disgust. "It hurt?"

"No the crabs just itch. However, my now ex girlfriend ramming her knee into my testicles really fucking hurts." Chad winced as he shifted on the bed to get comfortable.

JARED: Update! Ex girlfriend got him in the balls when she found out he had crabs! Crabby Chaddy!

SOPHIA: hahahahahahahahahaha!

JENSEN: Burn everything that he's ever touched.

Chad threw a McDonalds wrapper at him. "Fucking ass! Did you really have to send that to me?"

"Don't be so crabby." Jared cackled as Chad launched himself at him but dropped to the floor in pain before he got close.

"Fuck my life." Chad groaned as he curled up into a pitiful ball.

"Why the hell do you keep sleeping around anyway?" Jared sighed and helped his friend back onto his bed, carefully wrapping the frozen peas in Chad's tee shirt so he wouldn't have to touch anything that had been near Chad's balls with his hands.

"Because I need sex to survive." Chad answered easily.

"Yeah but you have a girl who's so into you and you're just being an ass by not going for her. I know you're crazy about her so what the hell are you doing?"

"She deserves better."

"Nobody says that you can't be better." Jared never signed up to be a relationship expert but he needed to smack some sense into his stupid friend's head. "Clean up your act and get the girl."

"Yeah... maybe." Chad shrugged and went back to looking sorry for himself.

Well, there went Jared's plans for getting laid.


"So, Chad's ex kicked him in the balls?" Jensen grinned. "That's awesome."

"Damn straight." Sophia beamed and gave Jensen a high five while Jared gave them both stern looks. Somebody had to be on Chad's team after all.

"No, it's not awesome." Jared corrected. "We now don't have a free room for the whole weekend."

"Aw shit." Jensen frowned. "I didn't think about that."

They were eating out at their local diner and had bumped into Sophia while they were there. Jared couldn't believe it had actually taken Jensen this long to realise that Chad being single meant that Chad wouldn't fuck off and leave them to their own business. Chad was a dick like that. If he wasn't getting laid then nobody else was either.

"You could always get a hotel." Sophia suggested.

"Hm," Jensen considered this. "Maybe we should."

"Yeah," Jared grinned. "I think so."

"You two are so cute." Sophia pinched Jared's cheek and he swatted at her.

"Leave me alone." Jared pouted.

"Aw Jay." She poked him. "You're really not helping."

"I need new friends." Jared told Jensen, completely ignoring Sophia.

Jensen was about to reply when his cell phone started ringing. He sighed and answered the call, beaming when he recognised the person on the other line.

"Chris?!" Jensen lit up and Jared went from adorable boyfriend to jealous bastard in point two seconds.

"Chris?" Jared repeated but Jensen shushed him.

"You're here?" Jensen checked his watch. "Where the hell are you?"

"Earth to Jensen?" Jared waved his hands in front of his boyfriend's face but Jensen just tangled their fingers together and continued to smile at the phone.

"Yeah, I'll be there in like ten minutes. Yeah, you weren't disturbing anything."

Jared settled on glaring at his boyfriend.

"It's been too long man! You're here all week? Sure, of course you can stay at my place. OW! Jared! What the fuck?" Jensen narrowed his eyes at him and Jared realised he'd been squeezing Jensen's hands a little too tightly. "I'll see you soon. Yeah man, missed you too. Ok, bye."

"What the ever loving fuck?" Jared asked as Jensen stood up and threw on his jacket.

"Chris is here. I gotta go meet him 'cause he's just sat in some bar waiting for me. I'll call you later Jay." Jensen gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before rushing out of the diner.

"What the fuck just happened?" Jared asked Sophia because he sure as shit didn't know.

"I have no idea." She replied unhelpfully. "Who's Chris?"

"Your guess is as good as mine."

"Well... shit."

Yeah, that pretty much summed up all Jared's thoughts.


Jensen didn't get around to calling him until two in the morning. Chad threw a bottle of water at his head when the cheesy ringtone woke him up and Jared almost threw it back but he was too curious to see what Jensen wanted. He never called this late and every inch of Jared prayed that he was ok.

"Jen?" He mumbled, rubbing at his eyes and yawning.

"Shut the fuck up!" Chad snapped before snoring as if nothing had happened.

"Jay!" Jensen slurred into the phone and Jared's jealousy and insecurity skyrocketed. He was being drunk dialed by his boyfriend who'd gone out to meet some other guy. Oh yay.

"Jen," He sighed. "It's two in the fucking morning."

"Is it?" Jensen sounded shocked to learn this. "Fuck! I'm sorry baby."

Oh yeah, his boyfriend was completely trashed.

"Where are you?"

"Out at a bar with Chris."

"Who's Chris?"

"Oh, he's awesome!"


"Yeah, I can't wait for you to meet him baby. You'll love him."

"Baby?" A voice in the background laughed. "Fuck Jen, you're whipped as shit."

"Fuck you." Jensen laughed too but Jared couldn't quite share his boyfriend's humour.

"Jen, I'm really tired." Jared had had quite enough of this shit. "I'm going to go to sleep."

"I'll come see you tomorrow." Jensen promised.

"Whatever." Jared didn't wait for a reply before hanging up, turning his phone off and throwing it at Chad.

"Motherfucker!" Chad yelped and clasped a hand to his head. "You nearly took my eye out! What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"I think Jensen's cheating on me." Jared answered, unable to believe he was saying those words.

"Do you wanna cuddle?" Chad asked.

"Fuck off, Crabby Chaddy."


Jared had pretty much avoided Jensen for the past week. He'd avoided his dorm room altogether actually and had been sleeping on his brother's couch not far from campus. Jeff had called him a pussy and told him to sort his shit out but Jared had ignored him. He'd also managed to skip classes and he knew how stupid that was but he didn't care. He had only been with Jensen for two months and the thought of losing him was driving him insane and it was pretty much his own fault that he was losing him.

CHAD: Man the fuck up. Where the hell are you staying anyway? Sophia doesn't even know.

JARED: Not now.

CHAD: He came here looking like a kicked puppy.

JARED: Did you tell him why I'm not there?

CHAD: That's your bitch ass problem. Not mine.

So not only was Jensen being avoided but he had no idea what he'd supposedly done to be ignored. Jared felt like an asshole for ignoring him but he couldn't bring himself to respond to the mass of text messages and missed calls. He was pretty sure his boyfriend cheated on him. He trusted Jensen and practically had this Chris guy shoved in his face so what was he supposed to think? A voice in his head told him that he should listen to what his boyfriend had to say before jumping to conclusions but he stamped that down to save himself some dignity.

JENSEN: What the hell?

JENSEN: Have I done something?

JENSEN: I know you're getting these.

JENSEN: Jared would you just talk to me!

JENSEN: Chad just made me clean his car in exchange for him telling me where you were. He doesn't fucking know! I cleaned his car for jack shit! What the fuck Jared?!

Jared felt worse than ever because the messages weren't laced with guilt. Jensen had no idea why Jared was avoiding him and now Jared felt like a huge tool. If Jensen had cheated then he'd at least have some idea as to why Jared was acting like this but he was completely oblivious. He was going to kill Chad for making Jensen clean his car but he was going to kill himself for being such an idiot.

He packed up his duffle and thanked Jeff before heading out to fix the mess he'd made. Just as he was heading out of the door he received another text.

JENSEN: You know what? I haven't done anything wrong so I don't see why I should beg you to speak to me. Let me know when you've finished being a jackass or lose my number. You've got until the end of the week to sort out your shit or we're over Jared. I've been through this before and I'm not going through it again.

Fuck. Jared had made one hell of a mistake. He needed to fix it. His cell vibrated once more and he wondered if he'd ever actually make it to Jensen or just get distracted every step he took.

SOPHIA: I've had to bond with just Chad while you were away. We got very close... on your bed.

That's it. He was going to go and fix things with Jensen but first... he was going to kick the shit out of Chad.


"Fucking finally!" Chad applauded as Jared opened the door to their dorm room and Sophia glared at him. They were lying on Chad's bed and tangled up together. It would be cute if it wasn't so wrong.

"You had sex on my bed!" Jared completely ignored the Jensen thing and jumped to the possible diseases on his bed sheets.

"No, you dumbass." Chad rolled his eyes. "I have crabs remember?"

"I'm not going near there until his dick's been bleached." Sophia added. "We just had to get you here before you fuck up possibly the best thing to happen to you."

"I was on my way to fix that."

"You were?"

"Yes!" Jared threw his arms up. "But I had to come back and defend my bed's honour."

"Oh baby, you're so lucky you have Jensen." Sophia gave him a pitying look. "I don't think anyone else could cope with you."

"If I still have Jensen after my royal fuck up." Jared was never going to stop kicking himself. "I'm an asshole."

"You are." A sad voice came from behind him and Jared spun around to see Jensen standing in the hallway looking like he hadn't slept in days.

"Jen." Jared didn't even know where to start but he shot Chad and Sophia a thankful smile as they left the dorm room to give them some privacy.

"What did I do?" Jensen asked once they were alone.

"I may have overreacted." Jared was ashamed of how he'd reacted but he wasn't going to own up to that quite so easily.

"To what?" Jensen looked lost. "We were great and then I drunk dial you and suddenly you're avoiding my calls, your friends don't know where you are and I don't even know if we have a relationship anymore."

"I hope we do." Jared's voice was small and unsure but Jensen gave him a hopeful smile.

"Tell me what happened."

"You're probably really going to get mad at this." Jared was such an idiot.

"I went past mad. Now I just want you back." Jensen admitted.

"I thought you were cheating on me."

Jensen's eyes widened and he looked hurt that Jared could think such a thing. "Because I'm such a huge slut?" Seemed like Jensen was straight back on anger.

"No!" Jared was quick to deny that. "We've been going slow Jen, I know you're not a slut."

"So you thought that because I wasn't fucking you I was fucking someone else?"

"No!" Jared was really, really bad at this. "I thought you were cheating on me with Chris."

Of all the reactions that he could have possibly had, he hadn't quite expected Jensen to burst out into a fit of giggles. He'd gone from angry to full on laughter so fast that Jared didn't quite know what was happening. Should he be mad? Should he laugh?

"Chris?" Jensen barely got the name out between bursts of laughter. "Wow, he'd kick your ass so hard if he heard you say that."

"I'm kinda lost here."

"Chris is my cousin." Jensen was looking at Jared as if he was the cutest thing in the world. "And you thought I was sleeping with him?"

"Oh god." Jared groaned. "I don't want to live in a world where Chad was right."

"Though come to think of it, I can kinda guess why you might think that. I didn't exactly explain who he was. I was just so excited to see him because he's been touring around the country with his band so I jumped at the chance to go and meet him." Jensen smiled sheepishly. "I think I can see how you must have seen it."

"I'm so stupid." Jared was never going to jump to conclusions again... ever.

"You're not." Jensen argued softly and pressed a chaste kiss against his lips. "You're just not so smart sometimes."

"Am I forgiven?" Jared bit his lip nervously as he waited for Jensen to reply.

"Yes." Jensen flashed him a huge smile and kissed him once more. "You are forgiven. But, promise me something?"


"Next time you get worried about something like this. Don't shut me out. Talk to me and please don't run away from me. I really trust you, Jay. Please don't ruin that."

"I promise that I'll never shut you out again." It was actually one hell of an easy promise to make. "I've more than learnt my lesson."

"Good." Jensen reached up to circle his arms around Jared's neck. "So, we have the room to ourselves."

"We do." Jared agreed.

"I'm ready if you are." Jensen whispered before capturing his lips in a deep kiss.

Oh yeah, Jared was more than ready.

They lazily made out for a while, their kisses getting deeper and more intense until they couldn't take it anymore and helped each other out of their shirts. This wasn't new but it was leading somewhere and it was with somebody he really cared about. It meant something. He backed Jensen towards the bed and they fell onto it. Jensen gasped and his body jerked, kneeing Jared in the balls in the process. Jared mimicked the move and caused their heads to collide, hard.

"Ow!" Jensen gasped and held one hand on his head while the other one was planted between his legs.

"The fuck happened?" Jared groaned as he rolled off Jensen and curled into a foetal position.

"You fell on my dick and it fucking hurt." Jensen answered with a groan of his own. "Then you fucking head butted me."

"You hit me too!" Jared whined and Jensen laughed softly.

"We're fucking hopeless at this whole getting laid thing."

"It's a good job that I'm with you because there's a good chance that I'll never have kids." Jared pouted and Jensen returned the pout, looking equally pitiful.


"Can I open my eyes?" Chad asked as he walked into their dorm with a hand over his eyes.

"You can open your eyes." Jared replied.

Chad burst out laughing when he saw Jensen and Jared lying side by side on Jared's bed. They each had a bag of frozen peas in their lap and bruises on their foreheads.

"Crabs?" Chad asked with a smirk.

"Knee to the balls." Jared narrowed his eyes, daring Chad to say more.

"I've been there man. Condolences on your useless dicks."

Jared refrained himself from getting off the bed, shuffling over to Chad and punching him. After all, they weren't the only ones not getting laid.

End of this part.