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How Do You Husband?

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Two more months and Jensen will be a married man. A husband. Shit.

A few weeks after their vacation on Maui (Jensen made sure a fruit basket was sent to the attending guard at the San Antonio Airport for saving his ass) Jared suggested they should get married on the soccer field. His arguments were valid; the game holds a lot of meaning to them, because if Jensen wasn't Tristan's coach then they probably would have never met again. They wouldn't be together, they wouldn't get married.

But Jensen argued his way out of the idea, no matter how much he agrees with his fiancé. Jensen wants their wedding ceremony to be held in a small and family-and close-friends only circle. No need to have any prying eyes from outsiders directed at them during such an intimate and private moment.

Eventually Jared agreed. And they both also agreed on Chad having nothing to do with any bachelor parties, because that would definitely end up in jail time for all attendees.

What Jared didn't budge an inch on: vows.

Jensen still can't believe Jared is making him write his own vows. Who does that? According to Jared, ‘everyone who knows how to string two sentences together’. And apparently Jensen had shoveled his own vow-grave with his proposal.

Jared isn't only a giant with a big stubborn head, no, he's also like a damn dog; doesn't forget a damn thing when it comes to taking over one’s heart. Bastard remembers every damn word Jensen had said to him at the beach. Jensen barely remembers what he had for dinner last night, much less what he sobbed into Jared's neck next to the bonfire. All he remembers is that he was baring his soul, bawling like a girl and then sweating like a... like Jared when he popped the question. Oh and the blowjobs, Jensen remembers them just fine. The sand was a little annoying but the shower afterwards was definitely making up for it. Point remains: He is so screwed.

The vows are one thing but being a husband is a whole different matter. Will they change? Is everything going to be different after they're pronounced married or is it all going on as usual afterwards? One thing Jensen knows for sure though, Bigfoot will be his. And only his. He will fight tooth and nail and blood will be spilled if anyone tries to take his man away from him. Yep, he's still the same old caveman when it comes to Jared.

But seriously, how do you husband?!

It's not that Jensen is getting cold feet, because, honestly, he isn't, but the whole ordeal of becoming a husband throws him off kilter. In the past he has already proven to be a shitty boyfriend, sometimes and that really raises the question of how much more he could possibly fuck up.

Their roles in this relationship are equal. Jared and Jensen are equal. And neither of them cares about those old rules of domestic behavior in which old people still believe it's natural for one partner to be the bread earner while the other butts away at home preparing dinner and folding socks.

Though, Jensen wouldn't mind it one bit to be the only one working and Jared welcoming him home with a feast set on the table and Jared wearing a 'Kiss the cook'-apron. But that's just a fantasy and in this fantasy Jared only wears said apron.

Maybe this whole wedding-business is driving Jensen nuts. At least then he'd have an excuse for being a little overdramatic.

All while Jensen is mentally driving himself into a loony bin Jared is his usual happy-grinning-self. It’s disturbing is what it is. Seriously, why is his fiancé so calm? They are getting married for Christ’s sake. To each other. So shouldn’t they be freaking out together? But no, Jared disappoints in this department by making it his goal to be an energizer bunny; hopping around dealing with tuxedo fitting appointments, ordering flowers, deciding on cake and pastries, calling the butcher to deliver them tons of food and only consults Jensen when it comes to the invitations. Of course he asked Jensen to join in on all the fun (yeah right) of setting up the wedding but Jensen declined with a big smile and a deep kiss that he’d rather leave it in Jared’s hands to have the perfect wedding.

The invitations were barely sent out and already the responses were coming in.

Everything is taken care of and everyone is happy for them. Phone calls come in all day to congratulate them both on their engagement and with every new call Jared's smile grows wider; reality sinking in that they're really doing this.

But then the answer from Jared's younger sister, Megan arrives in the mailbox.

At first it's cute, a lipstick-kiss on the envelope and a drawn smiley next to it. Then it's still cute, but also a painful reminder for Jared what he's signed up for.

The box 'attending' is checked with a blue cross. The question of how many people will be joining Megan is answered with a 2 1/2. The 2 is easy to make out; Megan and her husband, the half can only mean one thing. Megan is pregnant.

Jared should be happy for his sister, but deep down he is jealous. He's not sure if the tears that start to roll down his cheeks are from excitement over the upcoming wedding and becoming an uncle again or sadness. He guesses it's the latter. In his own four walls he allows himself to be honest with his emotions. Jared loves his baby sister, won't ever want anything but happiness for her but now he's once again reminded of what he will probably never have with Jensen.

Jensen is looking at Jared with concern, because the younger man doesn't say a word, didn't even move an inch since opening Megan's mail and then his fiancé begins to sob, tears breaking free and he rushes over to where Jared is sitting at their kitchen table, envelope and card in a crushing grip.

"Babe, what's wrong? Don't tell me she ain't coming." Jensen is standing behind Jared, hands massaging Jared's tense shoulders.

"Is' all good. I'm just happy for her." Jared lies.

"What do you mean?" Jensen doesn't know what's going on because he knows the difference between Jared's happy tears and the painful ones. He snatches the card from Jared's hand and reads it quietly and as soon as his eyes land on the 2 1/2 he gets it.

"Jay? Is Megan pregnant? I didn't know."

"Neither did I. But now we do and neither of us is in joy over it. Right, Jensen?" Jared turns his head around to glare at Jensen so fast that he's sure to have whiplash from it. It's an accusatory look and Jensen has to keep his emotions in check.

"Don't talk like that. She's your sister."

Jensen can see the moment his fiancé breaks apart, right under his eyes, and Jared has a look of pure horror on his beautiful face. Excitement draining from the younger man; taking all the color away from his face.

"Doesn't seem to matter, because for some reason I don't have it in me to be thrilled."

"Should we talk about this?" Jensen offers without knowing what to actually say.

"Nothing to talk about." Jared's blaming gaze is pinning Jensen to the spot and he's unable to reach out and make it better for his lover.

"Jay, please."

"Please what? It's all said and done. There is nothing to fucking talk about. Just, just gimme some space here, would ya?"

With that Jared jumps out of his chair, knocking it painfully into Jensen's hips and storms off in the direction of their bedroom.

Jensen is shocked to the core. So far they had managed to stay clear of Jared's older brother and his kids unless it wasn't possible to avoid them, like Christmas last year. It was difficult to get through but they had managed.

But now with Megan being pregnant both men know that the young woman would want Jared around for as much of the pregnancy as possible. Nobody from Jared's family has any idea of what's really going on inside Jensen's head. Sometimes he himself doesn't even understand it anymore. All Jared’s family knows is that Jensen lost Brady and their son. The Padaleckis had offered their condolences and hugged him and thankfully so far no one asked for more grandchildren. Jensen's parents wouldn't even dare to ask but they always knew and therefore wouldn't even bring the subject up.

Now Jensen is just lost. Still standing in the kitchen and face directed at the stairs he isn't sure how to make it up to Jared, if he actually can. All he knows is that he has to be with Jared. After everything his fiancé had done for him in the past the least Jensen can do is to at least try to reach Jared.

But when he wants to open the bedroom door he is taken aback to find it locked.

Talking through the closed door Jensen gives his all in hope of an answer but Jared stays quiet. Jensen holds out in front of the door for well over two hours. His mind is running on full force, going back to over ten years ago when life was still okay and complications wasn’t a rooted term in his vocabulary. Going back and forth between the past and the present his brain stops whenever he's hit with the present, with Jared. The only reason Jensen is still alive and kicking is right there, on the other end of the door; crying.

Crying because Jensen is an idiot. He's hiding behind his fears and for years Jensen didn't care if he lived or died but then this dimpled goofball stepped into his life and turned everything upside down. And he didn't think it was possible but Jared loves him and accepts the past that's plaguing Jensen. Jared accepts how well and truly Jensen is still hiding behind his fears, his pain and the memories.

"Jay? I’ll head out for a few hours, give you some room. Maybe we can talk later?" At first there is silence but the last sentence must have dragged Jared out of whatever he's doing because now there's a broken sob and Jensen is right there with him, his own eyes starting to fill with tears. "But I'm coming back. Please, just tell me that you'll be okay while I'm gone."

Suddenly the door swings open and Jared is barely looking at Jensen. His eyes are bloodshot and swollen, angry and red.

"You're leaving me?"

"No! No, Jay. I'm not leaving you. Thought you wanted some space?”

"Are you going to... call off the wedding?"

"God, no. Why would you even think that? Wait, is that what you want?"

Jared is staring at him and Jensen can't comprehend what this look means and all of a sudden it feels like his whole world is collapsing. Then Jared shakes his head in such a short movement Jensen almost misses it and he's letting out a breath he doesn’t even remember he had been holding.

"Com'ere." Jensen whispers and pulls Jared flush against his chest, his hands rubbing soothingly over his fiancé's back. "When you told me that you'd be okay, God, Jay why haven't you been honest with me?"

"I was. I mean, it's still true."

"But? There's definitely a but in there somewhere."

"It's not as easy as I first thought. I'm dealing with it best I can but I can't shake it off when I'm constantly reminded of what we can't have, of what you don't want." Jared's cries intensify, tears streaming down his face and along Jensen's neck.

"Babe, this isn't a matter of want." And the thing is; this is the truth. Jensen wants; wants it not only for Jared but for them. But he can't.

"Then what is it, Jen? You said you don't want any more kids. What am I doing wrong?"

And this is what it's all still about, Jared believing that all of this is somehow his fault, that he is doing something wrong. When, in fact, Jared is the only person who's always doing everything right. "Oh Jay, you're doing everything right. There isn't anything you could possibly do wrong. If there's one person in this world who I was going to have a child with again then it would be you and nobody else. I just can't do it." He buries his face in Jared's neck, squeezing his eyes shut and tightens his grip on the taller man. Jared is still crying, the wetness leaving his eyes soaking into Jensen's shirt and every new droplet is burning Jensen's skin with guilt. "I'm too scared." He confesses with a trembling voice. "Too scared of losing you. The thought alone of something happening to you is killing me. Jay, I don't think you understand how much I panic whenever you leave the house or climb into your car. Why do you think I always drive when we go somewhere together?"

"N-Never really given it much thought."

"Because I'm afraid that if fate decides to repeat history then you'll be okay in the passenger seat, you'll make it and if I pull through somehow then I can blame myself and nobody else."

"Jensen I could break my neck getting out of bed and there's nothing you could do to prevent it."

"I know that, but as long as I have some control over a situation I'm taking it. You probably don't believe me, and I'd totally understand if you don't, but I would give everything to see you carry my baby; how much I would love to see your body change from a small swell to a full round belly. But nobody can guarantee me that I can protect you or our child. It's a risk I can't take; something I can't live with."

But with every word Jared's cries increase and he is clutching to Jensen harder and it's then that Jensen realizes what an utter asshole he is. Because none of what he just said will possibly make it easier on Jared; no, Jensen basically just poured even more salt into a still open wound.

"Jay, I love you so much and I'm deeply sorry for putting this burden on you. Nobody deserves to put up with my crap, least of all you."

Jared again doesn't speak anymore, only shaking his head whenever Jensen starts speaking again. After a few more minutes of deathly silence Jared becomes heavier and Jensen's knees buckle under the weight so he half carries half drags Jared back to the bed; the previous idea of leaving for a few hours long forgotten because Jared needs Jensen's presence more than his absence.

Carefully and with a soft look at Jared he takes the younger man’s hand in his own and walks them to the bed; Jensen spoons behind his fiancé, not letting go and covers them both with the comforter.

"Please don't leave me." Jared whispers under a broken sob, every nerve in his body trembling in Jensen's hold.

"Never going to happen, not unless you tell me to."

“I’m being ridiculous, sorry.” Jared turns around, draping one of his arms around Jensen’s waist, the top of his head safely tucked under the older man’s chin and their legs tangled.

“No, babe, you’re not. You’ve got all reasons in the world to be mad at me. I’m the one who needs to apologize.”

“Jen, it’s okay. I’ll be okay, promise. And I understand your concerns, I do, I just wish you’d be able to see how needless they are.”

Jensen snuffles closer to his lover, keeping his arms in a tight grip around the younger man. He feels like crying and breaking apart, but it wouldn’t do either of them any good. Jared needs him, even though it’s Jensen’s fault that Jared is saddened in the first place.

"Being with you is all that matters to me. Sometimes I just need to be reminded of it." Jared whispers into Jensen’s skin; the warm puffs of air waking goose bumps on his skin.

Jensen shifts his body so he can look Jared in the eyes; their bodies still tangled in the sheets. "Jay, can I ask you something?"

Jared blinks at his fiancé and he doesn't like the broken look on Jensen's face one bit but nods anyway.

"I can see how much this bothers you, how much I hurt you and it kills me to watch you being disappointed in me. You know how much I love you; you mean everything to me but I can't shake the feeling of never being able to make you truly happy. That's all I want; for you to be happy. Will we ever get past this and be together without falling apart over each other's fears?"

"I... I don't understand." Jared is radiating nervousness and tension off his body, lips pressed together in a thin line. "What are you getting at?"

And this is the million dollar question. Without Jared Jensen can't be, not anymore. He has fallen for the younger man at first sight and he's still falling but now it feels like he's going to hit the ground at full speed. Jensen's heart is beating rapidly in his chest because if he won't be able to make his lover happy then what purpose does he hold in their relationship?

"If this will always be between us then I'm not sure I can keep doing this; us. You deserve to be happy, Jay and I'm only holding you back." Jensen doesn't dare swallowing, he's sure he would choke on the lump in his throat. All he can do is stare at Jared's wide and shocked eyes; tears beginning to roll down again.

"Don't you do that. Don't you fucking dare pushing me away only because I'm being stupid. This is insane!" Jared's voice increases in volume, his body shaking and fighting against Jensen's hold but Jensen doesn't want to let go; can't keep his hands off of Jared and risk to never being able to hold him once he's gone.

"Jared, all I do is hurt you. How can this be any good?"

"You're an asshole. Running away is going to hurt me even more, don't you get that? I told you before that I want to be with you, fuck, I want to marry you and if that means having no more kids, so what? Yes I'm sad; it hurts and it's difficult to ignore sometimes but I'm going to be okay. All I'm asking is that you give me my five minutes worth of angst when it's getting too hard to deal and we're good."

"Why would you sacrifice your needs for me? I don't get it."

Jensen is waiting patiently for an answer and it takes him by surprise when Jared pushes him away and on his back; crawling on top of him, hands still shaking and eyes not dried yet but the younger man smiles down at him nonetheless. "People do the stupidest things when they're in love."

Warm lips brush against Jensen's jaw, Jared kissing both their fears away for the time being and leaving a wet trail of need along Jensen's cheek until he finally attacks Jensen's mouth in a hungry kiss. Jensen is sure that they should keep talking about their problem but it's so difficult to ignore what his fiancé is doing to his body; cock twitching at the slow grind of Jared's hips. Nobody but Jared could ever have so much power over him; going from almost depressed to really freaking horny in less than thirty seconds and he can only hold on for the ride and let Jared have his way with him. Definitely not a hardship.

"I won't let you walk out on me." Jared sounds demanding and certain, not leaving any room for arguments, especially when he starts pulling on Jensen's pants and boxer briefs; taking them off and throwing them to the floor with fast and controlled movements.

Jensen is writhing on the sheets in anticipation and he's so far gone already he has no idea how and when Jared lost his own clothes. But it doesn't matter, all that's important is how Jared smiles at him with a wicked gleam in his eyes when he settles between Jensen's spread legs.

"Gonna fuck you, Jen. Show you how much I love you, how much I need you."

Jensen can only nod dumbly; Jared lost him right after he said the word fuck. There might have been a declaration of love in Jared's words somewhere but Jensen isn't sure; his brain too caught up in the feeling of his lover's fingers playing at his entrance.

"Only you, Jen. And you don't get to decide if I'm happy or not. Understood?"

"Y-Yeah."

Jared pushes the first finger inside; it burns and Jensen wants to ask for some lube but somewhere in the back of his head he's screaming for more of the uncomfortable feeling, the almost painful intrusion so very much needed. Maybe it's supposed to be a mild punishment for questioning Jared but either way Jensen doesn't mind; quite the opposite actually and he's pushing himself further down on Jared's long finger; begging for more.

Two more fingers later and Jensen is a mess, his dick rock hard and dark red at the tip; Jared's skilled fingers a constant pressure on his prostate and if the taller man doesn't get to the actual fucking part any time soon Jensen will probably combust from the inside out.

Begging is always good and works both ways for them. The more either of them begs, the crazier it'll turn the other man and that is always a promise for rough and needy fucking.

Jared is making quick work of the condom; rolling it over with only one hand while his other hand's fingers keep playing with Jensen's hole. After his freak out and all the emotional stress he can't stop for any finesse and therefore spits in his hand to coat some slick over the condom. It's dirty and yet exactly what he needs. Listening to Jensen's throaty moans and pleas he's certain his fiancé wants it just as much.

Jared leans over Jensen further still, biting nibbling and sucking on thick pink lips when he lines his hard length up and pushes in all the way.

Jensen is clawing at him, nails scraping and scratching at Jared's biceps; crying out for Jared to go faster and deeper.

Jared hooks Jensen's legs over his shoulders, bending the man like a pretzel and goes to town; pounding into him like a jackhammer.

"Not gonna... ugh! Not gonna let you... leave me!" Jared is panting, every word pronounced with a brutal thrust of his hips and Jensen takes it, takes it all and is still asking for more and Jared gives him exactly that.

Jared flips him over then; manhandling the smaller man and finds no resistance; Jensen just lets it happen and when Jared spreads Jensen's legs as far as they can go, Jensen pushes his ass up higher; giving Jared more contact surface. Jared stares at the display in front of him for a moment, taking in the glorious ass, ready for the taking and then rams his waiting cock back inside the stretched opening. Every new thrust harder than the last; pushing Jensen's sweat-covered body forward.

Jensen moans like a whore beneath him, impaling his ass deeper on Jared's cock and begins to stroke his own member in a hurried pace. Jared can see how Jensen struggles in this position to jerk himself off but he doesn't help him, can't help him and doesn't want to. Instead he uses both his hands to spread Jensen's cheeks some more, fucking into the tight heat in earnest and going straight for the man's sweet spot. Jared keeps the angle up and his ears are filled with the rush of his own blood and Jensen's shouts of "Right there!","fuckfuckfuck" and "come on, Jay! Show me how much you really love me!"

He loves it; craves it when Jensen goes all vocal and bossy when they fuck, it spurs him on and encourages him. If Jared wasn't so needy for Jensen's cock up his ass all the time he might get to top more often but it's times like these when he has to show Jensen that he doesn't need to be taken care of; that he doesn't need protecting and can make decisions on his own and have Jensen follow his lead.

Jensen's scream of orgasm rips him out of his thoughts and he fucks the other man through his climax until he himself shoots his release into the condom. They breathe hard; panting like they've just ran a marathon when Jared crushes Jensen with his weight; sweat slick skin rubbing together and Jared finally grabs Jensen by the jaw to turn his face enough so he can crash their lips together in a heated kiss.

"I'm going to marry you in two months. And there's no way in hell I'll let you go." Jared all but scolds his lover.

"I love you." Jensen's smile is all the reassurance Jared needs; to see that they're okay again. Until they will hit another bump in the road but there is no doubt that they won't manage the next freak out of either of them. 

~~~*~~~


It's not even three in the morning when Jensen is woken up by Jared clutching to him in pain; curled up and against him.

"Jay!"

"Ugh. Hurts."

Jensen doesn't have a clue what's going on, all he can see is how his lover is writhing on the sheets; legs drawn up to his stomach and he's trying furiously to rock the ache away. Jensen doesn't know what to do.

"Where? Jay, babe, what's going on? Where does it hurt?"

Jared, as it seems, isn’t capable of answering; he's too far gone in his pain to speak at all, only presses his palm to his navel which obviously intensifies the pain.

Jensen scrambles up; taking Jared's face in both hands and has to realize that his fiancé is burning up. "Jesus Christ, Jay. What am I supposed to do?"

He feels lost and when Jared bends his legs further towards his belly he cries out again.

"Sick." Jared screams and Jensen watches helplessly how Jared pushes his fist against his mouth. He makes it just in time to get the trash can from their bathroom for Jared to heave and empty his stomach.

"Fuck. Jay, I'mma drive you to a hospital."

Not even ten minutes later Jensen has Jared dressed in a pair of sweat pants and a shirt. The younger man can't walk, can't move and Jensen is left carrying his lover to their car. Since Jared can't even sit without causing more discomfort Jensen securely lays him down on the backseat. "You'll be alright, Jay. Gonna make sure you get help."

The emergency room is empty except for a couple of nurses who come rushing to them with a gurney.

"Sir, what happened?"

"I-I don't know. He, God, he woke up like this and... and... he's in so much pain and he... he's got a high fever."

"Okay, calm down," one of the nurses puts a gentle hand on Jensen's forearm while the other nurse looks Jared over, "is he pregnant?"

They obviously noticed how tightly Jared has wrapped his arms around his lower abdomen. The question hits Jensen off guard though, because there is no way his fiancé could be pregnant, not with how careful they always are. Even if something went wrong and Jared is pregnant then whatever is happening to him now can't mean anything good. Jensen is suddenly sick to his stomach, all his fears taking the better of him and he wants to run. But he couldn't possibly leave Jared alone right now; his fiancé needs him.

"N-No. We, no. He's on birth control and...no."

"Alright, alright. We're calling for the doctor and have him see what's going on. I want you to wait here, can you do that?"

"But... Jared needs me."

"I understand that, but what he really needs right now is a doctor."

Jensen nods and blinks at the nurse. While the other woman on duty wheels Jared into what Jensen guesses is an examination room. He himself is guided to the waiting area.

"There are some forms you have to take care of, I'll hand them to you in a few minutes, just breathe and try to calm down. The doctor will take good care of your..."

"Fiancé." Jensen fills in and receives a strained smile from the nurse. He has seen this face before, a mix of worry and pity and it's then that he realizes it's the same hospital he's been in all these years ago, the hospital where his parents told him what he already knew; that his family had died. He knows he'll have to stay strong and figure out how to deal with all these memories and not panic when the man he loves is sick or... no, Jensen isn't going there; doesn't allow his thoughts to steer into a direction he's scared of.

Minutes pass and they feel like hours, like a lifetime; he's pacing the waiting area; body cold and every time he asks the nurse if they already know something they politely ask him to be patient. Fuck patience. He wants to get some damn answers and he needs to see Jared.

A doctor approaches him shortly after Jensen has bitten off his ninth fingernail.

"Sir, are you the one who brought Mr. Padalecki in?"

"Jensen Ackles, yes. Can you tell me what's wrong with my fiancé?"

"Appendicitis---"

"Appen... what?" Jensen interrupts before the doctor has a chance to finish his sentence.

"His appendix is wounded and causing the pain. It looks worse than it really is. We have him on strong painkillers for now but we will have to remove the appendix."

"Thank God. I-I mean, I didn't know and I thought it was something serious and..."

"Don't you worry, he'll be back to his full self in a couple of days. The surgery itself is a routine surgical intervention. I will remove the appendix endoscopic so he won't have to deal with an eighteenth century scar on his abdomen. Mr. Padalecki has you listed as his emergency contact and next of kin, along with your son. I need you to give your consent for the surgery because Mr. Padalecki is pretty out of it and too exhausted to be burdened with the formalities."

The doctor is holding out a piece of paper for Jensen and he takes it without noticing it; still stuck on relief that Jared will be okay and surprised that the doctor is mistaking him for the other father of Jared's son. He realizes that it doesn't hurt. Since he went ring shopping with Tristan he made peace with his mind that Tristan really is like a son to him and therefore doesn't correct the doctor.

"Can I see him?"

"Sure, but make it quick. Five minutes tops and I'll go get the anesthesiologist while you're with him."

Jensen hates the few steps it takes to go to Jared's room; his brain wants to force him into worst case scenarios but he's fighting it with all he's worth because the doctor just told him that Jared will be okay and even though he doesn't trust physicians... much, he has to let the man's words sink in.

Jared has always been this strong source of energy and life for Jensen and seeing him so weak and aching now is messing with Jensen. The painkillers must be doing a great job though, because Jared is smiling at him as if he's high on drugs.

"Jen..."

"Hey babe. How you feeling?"

"Awesooome. Can we go home now?"

Jensen has to chuckle at his fiancé. Only an hour ago Jared was in so much pain Jensen almost lost it and now his giant of a man is being all... high.

"I'm afraid not. Apparently your appendix wants out."

"Nooo," Jared draws the word out in disbelief, "I like my app-appenthings."

"Well, that's too bad. They will remove it whether you want to or not."

"Will it hurt?"

"Only if you wanna keep it in."

"Maybe I don't like my applethings that much."

"That's my boy."

Jared's face almost splits in half when he grins at him; dimples digging deep craters into his cheeks and Jensen leans over to place a soft kiss on his fiancé's lips. "I love you, Jay. I'll be right here when you wake up."

"I'll make love to you, too." Jared tries to grab Jensen's face and pull him down again but Jensen is too busy laughing his ass off.

The doctor from earlier chooses this moment to walk inside and gives Jensen a strange look.

"Doc, what did you give him?"

"The usual, but obviously he's not used to any medication."

"Not really. He doesn't even pop a pill when he's got a headache. He's kind of... acting, uh, weird?"

Jared drops his hand and his head lolls to the side and he starts snoring right away.

"At least he's not in pain anymore." The doctor shrugs a shoulder and goes to work; preparing Jared for the surgery.

Jensen brushes Jared's hair out of his face and kisses his forehead tenderly, "Love you, big fella."

Jensen is left waiting back outside in one of the most uncomfortable chairs he's ever placed his butt in. The annoyingly ticking clock at the wall so much worse than the one Jared still doesn't want to get rid off and he thumbs his feet in rhythm.

The emergency room bursts to life when some doctor is being called to the surgery ward over the speakers. Jensen doesn't think much of it and ignores the next few calls ringing through the room. When it all breaks out into pandemonium he's getting nervous.

A male nurse rushes to the desk and whispers start taking place. The nurse who tried to comfort Jensen when Jared was admitted keeps looking at Jensen while the male nurse is talking to her and that's when Jensen's breath becomes ragged and he feels it deep down in his bones that something is terribly wrong.

When the woman in question nods at the man and rises from her chair Jensen watches her with hawk eyes, she exhales deeply and swallows hard, her gaze steady on Jensen and every step she takes closer to him feels like a punch in the gut. Jensen knows that whatever she's going to say, he'll not be prepared for. The morbid and sadly experienced part of his brain tells him that it was all too good to be true, that Jensen has never been supposed to find happiness again and that he might have to figure out how to tell Tristan that his father isn't coming home again.

"Mr. Ackles, could I speak with you for a minute, please?"

Jensen has no strength left in him to look at her; for the first time notices her name plate though, Kira. The name hurts to read and it's just too many coincidences and memories at once washing over him.

When Brady was pregnant with Nicolas, him and Jensen were talking about names and they made a deal that if the baby was a girl they would go with Kira, for a boy they early on settled for Nicolas. The name Kira never went forgotten and with a second baby on the way Jensen was sure that Kira would be an option again.

"Mr. Ackles?"

"Y-Yes?"

"We need to know if there are any known allergies Mr. Padalecki is dealing with."

"What? No, I mean, not that I know of. Why?"

"I'm very sorry, Sir. But there seems to be a problem with the anesthesia."

"What kind of problem?"

"Mr. Padalecki went into shock only five minutes into surgery, he shows signs of an allergic reaction and the surgeon immediately stopped the transfusion of your fiancé's anesthesia, but too much of the medication was already pumped into his system."

Jensen's legs are shaking so badly, his vision is clouded and he can only hope that where he is just puking in is the trash can of the waiting room he was aiming for. He honestly doesn't give a flying fuck though.

Kira, the nurse ushers to him, a small hand on his back a soothing pressure on his burning skin. "Mr. Padalecki's situation is critical as of right now, but believe me when I say Dr. Cooper is the best in his field and he'll keep your fiancé stable. They're working on a blood transfusion as we speak to clear his blood stream of the anesthesia."

"He... he's alive?"

"Oh dear, of course he is. You thought...? I'm sorry to have you scared like this.

~~~*~~~ 

There is some weird beeping noise invading Jared's sleep. So much so that it's edging on being a real distress. He feels exhausted and as if he worked for two weeks without a break; his body around the waist sore and stinging.

A heavy weight on his right thigh is pinning him to the mattress and this can only mean Jensen went full on sleep-hugging him again, not caring if Jared is comfortable or not.

Slowly he opens his eyes; lids fluttering and it feels like rocks pulling them back closed but he fights against it, opens them no matter how much effort it takes. The room, he notices, isn't their bedroom. It's too white and the sterile smell is disgusting.

He's in a damn hospital bed and when he looks down at himself he makes out Jensen clinging to him; half on a chair, half draped over Jared's legs. One arm is wrapped over Jared's thighs, the other one lying flat on Jared's belly.

Jensen's hair is sticking in all possible directions, dark circles around his beautiful eyes tell him that his fiancé is most definitely in desperate need of rest.

Second by passing second Jared begins to remember why he's in the hospital and Jensen's words come back to him as well; his appendix had to be removed. Which makes Jared wonder why Jensen looks as exhausted as Jared feels, because this kind of surgery isn't the end of the world.

Maybe Jensen has himself worked up over the whole hospital situation in general because there isn't anything his fiancé avoids and dreads more than hospitals.

Carefully Jared cards his hand through Jensen's hair, scraping his nails over the scalp underneath and Jensen begins to whimper and stir.

"Hey you." Jared whispers and brushes his thumb along the other man's forehead.

"J-Jay." Jensen blinks his eyes open and they immediately fall on Jared's hazel ones.

Jared is shocked at how debouched the man looks; his eyes completely bloodshot like he was crying for weeks.

"You look like shit."

Jensen untangles his arms and grabs for Jared's cheeks. He probably looks like a fish with how hard Jensen is holding him in place but it obviously doesn't bother Jensen because he attacks Jared's lips in a brutal kiss; breathing strongly and sobbing.

In a second of having his lips for himself again Jared speaks up; eyes searching for answers on Jensen's face. "Whoa, Jen. What's the matter?"

"You idiot. Stupid, stupid idiot," Jensen is panting, his eyes filling with tears and his arms find their way around Jared's shoulders; holding on and squeezing tight.

Something is more than off and Jared has to ignore the sharp sting of the scar in his navel it's causing.

"Did... did something happen?"

Jensen shakes his head into Jared's shoulder and the question increases Jensen's sobs.

"You're allergic, Jay and... and I had no idea."

Well, neither does Jared so he isn't sure how to treat this information. "Okay. Allergic to what?"

"Propofol."

"Jen I don't even know what that is."

Jared scoots his sore body a little to the left of the bed and makes room for his fiancé, giving the man enough space to get closer.

"It's some muscle relaxer and often used in the whole anesthesia process, mixed with Thiopental and other stuff I can barely pronounce. The Propofol though... God, Jay."

"What? Jensen come on, talk to me."

"You went into shock."

"Well, I feel fine now."

"That's because they... Fuck, Jay, you almost died!"

Jared has no reply on his tongue, his lips slack and frozen in place and his brain and lungs stop long enough to hurt. He almost died. How does someone react to such news? Jared has no words for what apparently happened or almost happened to him.

He reaches for Jensen, the need to feel alive so very strong; they kiss fast and intense, Jensen whimpering against Jared's lips but he doesn't let go for too long, moving right back in.

When they finally do break apart for some air there’s this palpable tension between them and Jared avoids speaking to Jensen; avoids the obvious hurt this all caused Jensen.

Jared can’t even imagine what must’ve gone through Jensen’s head and how frightened the man probably was of losing Jared.

Whatever happened during his surgery seems to be fixed because Jared doesn't feel any different than before. Except the mild pain but that surely will fade.  

~~~*~~~ 

Brushing your teeth shouldn't be a big deal, it shouldn't be mind-boggling and it definitely isn't a difficult task. Well, except if you're Jensen Ackles and stupid by default.

Lifting his head and staring at his reflection in the mirror; toothbrush stuck between his teeth, hands gripping at the sink, Jensen shakes his head. If stupidity was an Olympic sport he would walk home with a gold medal.

His eyes fall on the medicine cabinet to his left and it's slightly ajar; proof of Jared having been in the bathroom before. The man just doesn't mind a half open drawer or cabinet. Jensen is bothered by it though.

He finishes cleaning his teeth, puts the toothbrush back in its holder and when he's about to push the medicine cabinet close he looks right at the source of all of his, their problems and arguments. There, on full display are Jared's birth control pills. Jensen takes the box in his hands and can't believe he thought that preventing them from having a baby could keep Jared safe, could protect his fiancé from any harm.

They were buying groceries just a few hours ago and Jared made a quick stop at the pharmacy, picking up his new prescription and while Jensen grunted and hefted all the bags into the kitchen Jared skipped to the bathroom with his itty bitty bag to make sure his birth control would be in its right place. “You carry the food; I carry the responsibility.” Jared had joked. Jensen snorted in response but dropped the subject in favor for Jared’s obvious good mood. A smiling Jared is worth straining a muscle, considering Jared had dumped everything into the cart he could find, the bags were heavy as fuck. If either of them ever had to file for bankruptcy it would be because Jared can eat a paycheck’s worth of food.

But this isn't the first time, since Jared went into shock from his allergy that Jensen is realizing how wrong he has been all this time. Now though it's hitting him again, full force and with a churning stomach. If Jared wouldn't have been able to fight and get through then there would be nothing to remind Jensen of what they had. His thoughts might be selfish, but losing Jared and not having anything but photographic memories of their love seems to be unbearable for him now.

Of course there would always be Tristan to remind Jensen of Jared's existence but it's not enough; not by a long shot. Tristan being Jared's son wouldn't ever be proof of them being together; loving each other. No matter the fact that without the teen they might have never met again.

Jensen smiles at the box in his hands in a mix of hurt and happiness and yet the epiphany he's experiencing at the moment is pushing him into action. He throws the box in the air and catches it, wiggling it in his hands for a short minute and spins around, facing the waste basket. Slam dunk.

"Much better." He mumbles to himself and smirks proudly at what he has just done.

"You about ready?" Jared calls for him from the bedroom.

"Damn right I am." Jensen whispers to himself.

Jensen feels relieved and proud. Proud of himself for accomplishing something he didn't think was possible. He also has an easiness in his step when he walks into the bedroom. Never before has he realized how tense and uncertain he was when he approached their bed. This feeling always faded as soon as Jared's hands were on him but now he isn't tense at all; he's determined to take this step.

Usually he talks to Jared first when decisions are made but this time he's sure Jared is on board and therefore no conversation necessary.

Jared is sprawled out on the bed; his glorious body covered from the waist down with a thin sheet; the shape of his cute ass perfectly accentuated and his face hidden behind long strands of soft hair. Jensen can't be blamed for drooling over the sight. There is just no way Jensen will ever get tired of the younger man; of looking at him and he’s certain that his pupils are widening and his dick is already showing interest in the delicious feast on the bed.

Without any warning or further words Jensen drapes himself over Jared; blanketing him with his whole body and lacing their fingers together over Jared’s head. They are touching from head to toes and slowly Jensen circles his hips; grinding his cock over Jared’s clad buttocks.

The doctors might have advised Jared to take it easy for a couple of weeks and he should stay clear of any hard labor but they never said he couldn't be pleased and violated in sexy ways by his fiancé.

Jensen kisses the crook of Jared's neck; nibbling and biting over warm skin and Jared mmh's at him in appreciation.

"Want to be inside you;" Jensen whispers close to Jared's ear, "feel you. All of you."

Jared doesn't say a word; oblivious to the meaning behind Jensen's words and simply shimmies around until the sheet doesn't separate them anymore. Kissing his way down Jared's solid body Jensen doesn't stop until his mouth is close to Jared's ass. Spreading his lover's cheeks with both hands Jensen dives right in; tongue lapping at the musky entrance till the muscle gives and he pushes his tongue inside.

"God, more. So good Jen."

Being a perfect gentleman and not denying his man any more wishes, Jensen goes as deep as physically possible; his tongue caressing Jared’s channel and the second Jared is still asking for more he adds a finger to the mix. Spit easing the way inside, Jensen finds Jared’s sweet spot on the second try.

Jared is pliant underneath him; his body lax and willing and all Jensen would have to do is line up and thrust inside but that’s not how he wants this to happen. “Turn around, babe."

Jensen settles back on his heels, giving Jared room and time to roll on his back. The taller man is as hard as rock, beautiful cock flushed red and lying flat against taut stomach muscles. He leans over to bring their mouths together, inviting Jared into a long heated kiss while his hand ghosts lower again; searching knowingly for Jared’s hole and toying with it. Pushing two fingers in at once he scissors and spreads them; fucking his digits in and out of Jared in a slow pace. He knows he’s dragging this out but even though he wants this to happen he’s still a little anxious.

Before Jared can pick up on Jensen’s mind being out on a worry-party he hurries the proceedings along; kissing Jared deeper and forcing himself closer between Jared’s legs.

Jared is clinging to him; arms locked around Jensen’s shoulders in a possessive manner, “Love… what you do to me. Love you.” Jared is panting.

Jensen pulls his fingers out then, his own cock crying for attention and Jared gets the hint; loosing his arms from around Jensen and turns slighty to reach for the bedside table. Jensen watches; his eyes zeroing in on the items his younger lover retrieves.

Jensen makes quick work of taking the lube and condom from Jared; placing the wrapper on the sheet next to Jared's hip and opens the lube to dribble just a little too much on Jared's hole. He can see the impatient look on Jared's face, the one that wants to say 'fuck me already' but they're both aware that this isn't one of their hurried and fast times, that Jensen wants slow and not greedy.

When Jensen leans in to capture Jared's lips between his own again Jared pushes his hips up, urging him on.

"What's the matter? You seem... pensive." Jared's lips whisper between them.

That's just another problem they're having; Jared can read him like an open book and barely anything is left to hide from Jared. Jensen shakes his head though, denying how his head is spinning with thoughts of what if.

His lube covered hand finds its way to his cock; jerking his wrist twice, three times to slick himself up then grabs for the condom wrapper only to demonstratively place it back on the bedside table.

"Jen, come on. What are you doing?"

With a nervous smile Jensen faces Jared again, "Want you. Just like this."

An audible gulp from Jared and shocked eyes stare at him, "Tell me you want this, too, Jay. Please."

Jared nods; his mouth agape. "Are you sure? We don't have to."

Jensen shuts him up with another kiss; dragging his lips over Jared’s abused lips and licks every other word right out of the man’s mouth.

Carefully Jensen pushes forward, pressing the back of Jared’s thighs against his own, one hand next to Jared’s head and the other hand guiding his cock to Jared’s entrance. As soon as he nudges the cockhead against the rim he wants to cry out; the sensation of having his bare member so close to Jared’s heat taking him by surprise, the feeling too raw and overwhelming. But it’s nothing compared to what it does to his nerves when he finally pushes inside; breaching the first ring of muscle and he’s engulfed in the most intense and wet heat he’s ever felt before. Jared must be experiencing the same awareness because his eyes are blissfully wide and completely focused on Jensen.

With the next slow thrust of his hips Jensen is fully sheathed inside his fiancé and Jared begins to tear up; those are definitely happy tears and Jensen, for the first time in their relationship, senses that he is doing something right.

“Shhh, I got you.” Jensen murmurs against Jared’s mouth, thumb brushing away a tear rolling from the younger man’s eye.

He pulls out almost all the way, only the tip of his cock still inside, before he lunges back in. It has never been this intense before; his bare organ feeling every ridge and curve of Jared’s tight heat. “No more hiding myself in the past, Jay. Just you and me.”

Neither of them is willing to say more; there isn’t more left to say; Jensen’s actions speak volumes and judging by the sheer heaven and pleasure shining from Jared’s expression Jensen has been right: Jared is definitely on board with his decision.

They keep kissing; tongues mapping and tasting, hands roaming over every spot of heated skin and every push of Jensen forward, every new circle of his hips and changing the angel in whichever direction they can surely feel each other more and deeper is leaving them almost breathless. Their hearts seem to be beating in sync; chests heaving by the thrilling newness of it all and Jensen has no words other than enormously amazing.

Regret and remorse over not giving this to Jared sooner, sadness over realization taking so long to come knocking at his door is lurking in the back of his head. He is still petrified of screwing up, of losing the love of his life, of not being enough and never good enough to offer Jared to be the husband the younger man deserves. Yet every new tear of contentment escaping Jared’s striking hazel eyes is proof for Jensen that the man underneath him, the man he loves with all his heart, is going to stick around. Jared loves him with all his faults and insecurities; sacrificing his own wishes and believes to be with him and only him and one thing is for sure; Jared will be there to support him and guide him, hold him if Jensen hits another rough spot. Yeah, Jensen has definitely hit the jackpot with his man. And now it’s time to pay back some of the confidence and trust. Jensen might not be perfect, but he’ll do whatever it takes to be the perfect husband for Jared.

Jensen smiles to himself with every new push of his pelvis, smiling at his fiancé and secretly being mischievously excited over Jared’s face once the giant finds out that his pills will be gone for good.

Almost at the same time they reach their high; Jared screaming from the top of his lungs when his orgasm rips through him and the look on his face is too much for Jensen, he follows his lover and when his arms give out; too weak to hold him any longer, he collapses on top of Jared. They dwell in the scent of love, the sticky feeling of being connected so very intimately and Jensen can’t and won’t pull out just yet. Even though his cock is slowly going limp he stays put; sways his ass in tiny circles and enjoys the feeling of his own come leaking from Jared and coating his own member with it.

Right now he’s happier than ever and maybe he’ll panic in the morning but for now life has given him the opportunity to do better; he himself has overcome one of his biggest fears and if that isn’t a step into the right direction then he doesn’t know what is.

 

*the end

-until the next installment will be posted-