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Deep Water

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Deep Water

Deep Water

by Lilie Bird

Deep Water
By Lilie Bird

Disclaimer: These lovely women aren't mine even if I wish they were. Lucy and Jamie are mine even if I don't really need them ... isn't it always that way? Yadda yadda yadda. Summary: Dana gets into an argument with an old friend and turns up at Monica's, a bit too drunk, opening her heart. Rating: R. It's girl and girl ... so anybody who knows what's good can read it. Author's note: I don't know if there's anybody out there still reading this stuff. I do. And I would like to get any kind of reaction. It's my first (finished) Dana-Monica-piece ... be kind! English is not the language I grew up with ... (it hasn't been beta-read) It's short and sweet.
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Thanks to: Lovely Gillian Leigh Anderson for being such a kick-ass gal ... Scully rocks! Miss Anne Elizabeth Gish for playing herself into my heart ... had my doubts at first, now I adore her! Thank you Jewel for sharing your thoughts via your music. And last but not least to all those SR shippers out there for inspiration! This is for you.


What the hell was I thinking? Running to her on a lonely Friday night, obviously ruining her date with a gorgeous guy and turning around when it gets too difficult. I chickened out again. I mean, I don't know what I hoped she'd do. I totally got that she's not feeling the way about me I wanted her to feel. She means so much to me. I don't know what I'd done without her. Argh, how could I destroy this really comfortable friendship we built by letting alcohol overrule my reasonable self? Why did I tell her what I feel? Why couldn't I go home after having a drink, drowning in my own blue sadness? ... but let me start some hours earlier.

A friend of mine from college days called me just when I was about to leave the office. She asked the usual stuff. What I was doing with my life. She had so many questions. I couldn't even think straight for a while. Well, I started to tell her my story. Not everything, but the things I thought were interesting. I didn't expect to tell her what I feel about Monica, but I did. And I totally regret it now. Again. What the hell was I thinking?
I don't know how we came to talk about it, but here's what we both said: "So you got that cute little baby boy ..." she summed up my earlier talking. I interrupted: "I don't want to talk about that now." "Why? Is there something wrong with him or his father?" I really don't know where she picked up that thought. Probably female intuition. "Lucy, just let me say this: I had to give William away ..." I couldn't go on because she blurted out with a tone of sorrow in her voice that sounded quite credible: "Oh my goodness, I can't imagine how hard that just must have been for you and the baby's father." "Stop talking about the father. He's not around either and I'm not expecting to see him again." I think that came out harder than it was meant. I took a deep breath and sat down on the top of my table, taking out my calendar to write the number down my phone was showing. She was quiet for a few seconds but finally she started talking again: "Poor honey, you were totally alone through these hard days?" `Honey'. That caused my heart to jump out of rhythm just for one beat. Monica called me that during an awful night she lended me her shoulder to cry on. And it caused my heart to react like this just then, too. "No, I wasn't alone. There was my mother, who besides didn't understand even one of my reasons ... and there was Monica Reyes, an FBI Agent I used to work with during some cases." My voice must have shown something, because she confronted me with my feelings. "So Monica Reyes is it? Is she cute?"
I didn't know what to say. "Lucy, what are you talking about?" I could feel my face heaten up. At that moment I was just so happy that we were just on the phone. "You know, Dana, I know what you are looking for. And I know that it's not someone with strong arms, a deep voice and the need to get rid of a beard every morning. I just wondered when you'd get it. I mean, get that you're not the average American catholic girl." "Wait. Strong arms could do it for me." I joked. The same moment I wanted to bump my head against the nearest wall. She laughed. "Does this Monica Reyes have strong arms?" I had no idea where this was leading but I followed: "Oh yeah, she has. Long and tender arms that protect you from the worst demons of fear and loneliness." "That's so romantic." She was cheerful. She had me exactly where she wanted me to be. I left the cold and distant FBI woman. I was back in the eighties. Back to my chatty college self. "But I really don't know why I'm telling you this." She laughed triumphantly. "Because you craved to tell somebody. And here I am. Your blonde college crush, ready to hear everything." She was right. I once had a crush on her and I don't even remember telling her. Maybe I never did. She just knew like she seems to know everything about me. And she'd stated the right point. I really wanted to tell somebody. So I started to turn my inside out: "Monica is wonderful. I think I wouldn't still be here if it wasn't for her. She was around every time I needed someone and she always listened. She even listened to the things I didn't say. Sometimes I think she looks through your eyes right into your soul." She let go a kinda dreamy noise. "My dear, you've fallen so deep ... I don't know if anybody can pick you up from down there." I left my dreamy eighties self and turned into the sarcastic one: "I think that's what I need. Someone to wake me up." "Why?" She asked and I just knew the look she had now even though I couldn't see her at the moment. Puzzled and unbelievably cute. She's always been the romantic one. The one who believed in the one love that you'll stumble over sooner or later and that'll last forever. She kinda lived in a fairytale sometimes. "Because Monica is not interested and I assume that it would be much better for my health to stop thinking about her. About me and her together." I was my skeptical self, Dr. Dana Scully, again. But I felt miserable. I didn't feel like me. She seemed to think over something to answer because she was quiet. A rare thing with her who always had something to say. "What makes you think that? I mean, did you two talk about your feelings or something?" "Ha ha." I tried to make it sound funny but it came out with a bit too much sarcasm. "Do you really believe that I go to her, tell her that I have a thing for her ... that I kinda like her more than it's usual on the friendship base? Do you know me or what?" "I think I knew you once and I thought that I still know you. I mean, leave this catholic girl behind. Knock on her door and say that you love her." She tried hard but I still wasn't so sure about this idea. "Let me tell you something for a change, Lucy. Straight, straighter, Monica. Got it?" I said. And I was pretty sure that I was right. She just didn't give up. "Why do you think that?" "Because I know she had an affair with an Assistant Director and is about to start one with her partner, John Doggett." I wasn't even sure about what was once between Follmer and her, but I was pretty sure about the liaison between her and John.

I think we talked on and on for about thirty minutes. And she went pretty mean in the end. That's why I got angry and ended the phone call quite abruptly just to end up in a small bar close to Monica's. I drank more than my usual self would consider being healthy and ended up in the hallway in front of her door. I wasn't sure if I should go any further and waited staring at her door. Unfortunately they'd ordered pizza and the guy who delivered it came too early and too suddenly for me to end my thoughts. The door swung open after he knocked and I was perplex and couldn't move. She appeared and was more beautiful than I ever thought she or at least someone could ever be. And as it had to happen, after paying the pizza guy she saw me and stopped in her movements to close the door. "Dana. What are you doing here?" She looked quizzically. But even that look was so incredibly sexy that I was afraid I'd never get a word out of my mouth again. "I ... I ... was about to leave. I shouldn't have come here. I was ... in the neighborhood and thought about a visit." I stumbled over my words. She looked at me, smiling and knowing what I was doing. But I didn't interpret it this way. I just saw her beautiful smile. "I'm off. It's Friday night and I didn't want to disturb." I turned away but she stopped me. "Wait. Dana. Are you sure you don't need something? You can come in for a few minutes ... I mean if it's something serious I can send Jamie away and we can talk ..." Speak of the devil. This Jamie appeared in the background and I knew that I made a huge mistake. He was gorgeous even if not the type I considered Monica to adore. But well, I still dreamed about her adoring me. "No, I'm okay ... I just needed ..." I stopped before I could say something too bold. Something I would regret later. "Hey Mon, everything alright? You need some more money for the pizza?" Jamie asked with a voice that made me wonder about his age. She turned around, kinda trying to avoid him seeing me but couldn't stop him. So she had to introduce me. "Jamie, this is Dana. An FBI Agent I sometimes work with. Dana, this is Jamie. A friend." Him. A friend. Me. Someone she sometimes works with. Nice. I tried to smile and reached my hand out to say hello the proper way, but I kinda stumbled over my own feet and nearly fell into him instead of just greeting him. "Sorry." I mumbled but he seemed to not mind it at all. "Nice to meet ya." He said and turned to Monica. "Are you two done here or is this something more time consuming?" She looked at him a bit estranged and angry and I smiled. "Could you take the pizza to the living room? I'll be there in a minute." Then she turned to me again. "What is it? Are you sure you really don't wanna come in? I think the pizza is big enough for the three of us ..." I backed away one step. "No. I'm okay. Don't want to ruin your evening anymore. He just seems to not like me that much." She was quiet for a few seconds and I couldn't see what she was thinking about. Then she started talking again: "Dana, I can see that you are drunk and I don't like that. But if you don't want me to help ... if you want to go ... just go. And if there's anything you need, anything that comes to your mind, call me. I'll be there in an instant. Okay?" I nodded. "Okay. Anything?"
"Anything!" She assured.
I was about to turn around and leave. She stood in the doorway and watched me go as I turned around after a few steps to do something really stupid: "Monica, I need you. I need you more than I ever needed someone. And seeing you with someone else is breaking my heart ... but I think that's the way my life always is." I turned away and entered the elevator before she could move. As the elevator doors closed I could see her still standing in the doorway, watching me with a look I just couldn't interpret. She even started to speak but I could just hear the first words: "Dana, I'm sorry ..." That's all. I knew how to interpret these words. She likes me, there's no doubt. But she couldn't love me. I wasn't a Jamie or a John or a Brad Follmer. I was Dana. A woman. An awfully lonely woman.

This one night when she was at my place drying my tears it just happened that we kissed. It was an innocent kiss that said "I'm here when you need me." It was like a dream, so surreal. I don't know if I maybe just think it happened but it didn't really happen. But I can still feel her velvety lips on mine when I close my eyes. She backed away very quickly after it happened and excused herself with a pathetic lie. But I let her go and we never talked about it afterwards. Actually, I was feeling very stupid right now. I felt like I was fifteen or something again and suffered from my first unanswered crush. Stupid.

So here I was. Driving home in silence. The radio was off because there's just crap on air I couldn't stand right now. Tons of love songs and happy couples greeting each other. In front of my building I gratefully found an empty parking spot and turned the engine off. My apartment was dark and silent and a bit cold. I forgot to turn the air conditioner off when I left this morning. Great. Now I was going to freeze not just from feeling extremely down and drunk but also because it's really cold in here. I entered the kitchen to put some water for tea on. It could cure my inner coldness as well as my upcoming hangover. I wanted to hear some music. It should be something very stupid and poppy to underline the state I was in. A teenage mood at it's highest. But because of the fact I'm actually nearly forty I don't have those CDs in stock. So I decided Jewel could work. I let her cure my Spirit. As the first notes of "Deep Water" started I settled myself down on the couch. Half dreaming, half drinking the delicious tea. Ironically, it's tea Monica got me once I was feeling extremely down. I didn't know if it's the tea and its memories or really the present situation, but I was feeling down down down again. The darkest shades of blue couldn't color my mood the right way, because it's even darker. Tears were rolling down my cheeks and as though I knew it's so damn stupid I couldn't stop crying. Nice. Now I was sitting in my almost dark and freezingly cold living room, crying because of my stubborn stupid self that just couldn't stop loving the unreachable, incredibly adorable Monica Reyes. Suddenly somebody knocked on the door quite hesitantly. I was not sure if I should open the door in this late hours but I kinda felt that a killer now would be a very welcome visitor. I tried to wipe the tears away that must have left red streams on my face and opened the door. It wasn't a killer. It was her.
"Hey." She said half smiling, half unsure about if it's the right way to start this conversation. I was totally perplexed. No word left my lips as I gestured her to come in. I closed the door and turned to her, putting my arms around myself like I wanted to protect myself from something evil. I couldn't think of anything intelligent or funny to say so I just asked: "Where's Jamie?" She looked a bit puzzled that I chose this question but she answered honestly: "I sent him home after you visited." "I'm sorry ... I didn't want to destroy your night with him. I'm really sorry." I really was. She let her jacket slip off from her shoulders to put it down on a nearby chair. "Can I sit down? Can we just talk about some things?" She looked at me this Monica way, her brown eyes staring at you with a caring touch in them. I hesitated. "Monica, I'm not feeling very well. I drank a bit too much and I've lost myself in a whirl of bad feelings. I don't know if it's a good idea ..." But she stopped me. She closed the distance between us and touched my cheek with her tender fingers. "I'm sorry, Dana. I didn't ... I don't want you to cry because of me." She caressed my face with these soft fingertips of hers and I started to cry again. It felt so good, but it wasn't right to feel this way about Monica. She spoke again: "Don't cry. I'm here now. Everything is going to be fine." That sounded so much like the words she'd said when I cried over losing William and I was starting to believe that she wasn't getting the situation here. I backed away and showed her to sit down on the couch. "Do you want something to drink?" She sat down and looked at me, not knowing what to think about me and the whole situation. "No, I'm fine." She looked down at her hands. "Dana, could you just sit and let me tell you something?" I did as told and sat down on the other end of the couch. There was quite a distance between us, but I didn't feel uncomfortable about it. "What's wrong? Anything I told you when I was at the hallway in front of your door? I'm very sorry for that ... I think I shouldn't have done that. I guess our working relationship will be infected by that at least for a few days ..." "Dana, stop ..." she interrupted me. "Don't say sorry all the time. I'm not sorry about the situation and I think our working relationship will be infected some more if I'd keep talking." She stopped. I didn't get what she meant so I said: "Keep talking then." Actually, that could've been a bit funny but I didn't feel like laughing right now. She turned to me and moved closer which caused my heartbeat to quicken. "Do you remember the other night when I was here at your place and we ... I mean, you and me actually ... kissed?" I nodded a yes. As if I could ever forget that. "I was quite confused afterwards. And, Dana, not because I didn't enjoy it ..." She looked right into my eyes. Then she continued: "I felt something." My head began to ache because of all the thoughts that already had run through it the whole evening. "What? Monica, what are you about to tell me?" She looked at her hands again. "It was this high school feeling of ..." she thought about what it really was like, I guess. "... being kissed by the football quarterback. You know what I mean?" I knew, even if I've never been kissed by the football quarterback. Partly because these guys hadn't found their interest in me because I wasn't a cheerleader and partly because I've never been interested in them, because they were male, altogether. I looked at Monica who had stopped talking and didn't seem to start again. "So am I getting you right then?" She nodded. "I mean ... I don't understand at all ... but there definitely is something. That's why I came straight to you after you confronted me with your feelings tonight. I thought what happened the other night was just some result of you feeling so extremely down and I wasn't sure if you felt anything ..." I interrupted her by moving closer and kissing her right on the lips feverishly. Those lips. Velvety and soft. It was heaven. I kinda wondered when the strings actually will start to play a heartwarming melody. She didn't move at first but after just a few seconds she joined in by parting her lips and moaning softly. "Dana ..." Her hands came up to my face and her fingers started to wander through my hair but then she stopped and moved away. Just an inch. She breathed as fast as I did and looked confused. I caressed her cheek with the back of my fingers which caused her to close the eyes. "What?" I wasn't sure if me listening to my instincts and kissing her has been the right thing to do. "Was it wrong? Is it going too fast?" She opened her eyes and smiled at me. Then she shook her head. "No. I just ... a few hours ago, I thought of ending the night in Jamie's arms ... it's just a bit weird ... now I'm with you and Jamie is totally forgotten. I don't even know what I saw in him ... why I wanted to date him tonight ..." I let go of her and leaned back. "I'm sorry that the night didn't end the way you wanted it to end." I wasn't sorry at all and I hoped she could hear the sound of irony in my voice. She seemed to understand because she crawled to me and leaned herself into me. Her lips came close to mine but she stopped in the movements. "It still could end my way ... well, with someone else in the leading role."


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