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Bog Unicorn

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"Where is Inquisitor?", Varric yelled, aiming at the Rage Demon. "What's keeping her so long?"
"Solas! If she is with you at the back lines, tell her to disrupt the rift already! We are losing this fight!", Cassandra shouted, lifting her shield to avert a burst of flame.
"Boss, get your ass here fast!", Iron Bull bellowed, grunting as Shade raked it's nails through his armor. The situation was getting desperate, and then they saw her.


Inquisitor Lavellan was on the top of opposite hill, sitting on a h-- Varric blinked his eyes - sitting on a dead horse. It had a sword stuck inside it's head and there was no sight of reins or saddle. Lavellan had a bright, blinding smile on her face.
"Ar tu na'lin emma mi", she shouted at demons, brandishing her staff. "Now, Boggy!"
Varric stared how their illustrious leader charged in the fray, throwing magic left and right. The horrible undead horse used the sword inside it's head to attack demons, making short work of them. Even the demons looked somewhat confused at the sight. It took a few moments before Varric remembered he was supposed to participate in the fight. He loaded Bianca again, wondering why he never could have any normal friends.

"You are the most beautiful unicorn I've ever seen.", Inquisitor Lavellan cooed, patting the horse's mane. "Who is my little terror? The bravest of horses ever lived?"
"It doesn't live, boss.", Iron Bull said. "And it is not an unicorn."
The horse flashed teeth at Bull, trying to nip him.
"You hurt his feelings, Bull.", Lavellan said. "Don't mind him, Boggy. You are as ferocious as the wolves who served Emerald Knights of old."
"What is this creature?", Solas came carefully closer.
"He is a Bog Unicorn.", Lavellan announced. "I found him when a Greater Terror jumped on me and threw me in the bush. Boggy saved my life. He is a true unicorn, the protector of maidens."
The horse looked absolutely smug.
"Are you going to keep it?", Cassandra asked warily.
"Of course.", Lavellan replied, jumping down from the horse's back. "How could I send away someone who saved me in my hour of need? Boggy wishes to stay."
The undead horse made a satisfied noise and tried to push it's muzzle against Lavellan's shoulder.
"How do you know he wishes to stay?", Solas asked curiously.
"Don't you hear it?", Lavellan looked surprised. "I thought you would hear him talking. It's like listening spirits in the Fade."
Varric, Cassandra and Iron Bull exchanged glances. Oh, no.


So Bog Unicorn stayed. Sadly, it didn't make any friends among the Inquisition Inner Circle. It had a mean and petty nature, with inclination to scare people whenever possible. When Varric got out from tent at night to follow the call of nature, Bog Unicorn sneaked behind him and neighed at the worst moment, making Varric accidentally piss on his pants. It tried to bite Iron Bull whenever Lavellan wasn't looking, and chewed the tent ropes when Iron Bull was coupling with Dorian. Their secret relationship was not secret after that. Blackwall had to move out from the stables because he claimed the horse's undead eyes stared at him whenever he tried to sleep. The poor Warden became twitchy and tired, with black circles around his eyes. Cassandra avoided the horse at all costs. Josephine was going mad trying to explain visiting dignitaries that no, Inquisitor Lavellan was not an evil mage even though she rode undead horse with sword stuck inside it's head. 

The problem was that Bog Unicorn loved Lavellan ferociously and wildly. Every night they camped, the horrible horse put it's head on Lavellan's lap (carefully not to stab her with sword) and fell asleep with blissful look on it's muzzle. It ruined the late night talks around the campfire and most of their appetites. Even Solas, who was usually unfazed by anything, seemed slightly bothered by Boggy.


After one particularly trying mission where Boggy had eaten half of Cassandra's copy of Swords and Shields, pushed Varric on the mud puddle when he tried to pee (Varric was actually considering getting a potty to avoid any late night trips out from tent) and stolen the sweet cakes Sera had 'acquired' from kitchens, the Inner Circle had enough. Varric called an emergency meeting at the Skyhold tavern.

"Blackwall, you did what I asked?", Varric started when everyone had gathered around the table.
"Yes. I said that Boggy looked sad and it probably needed exercise. She rode out from the gates maybe half an hour ago.", Blackwall replied.
"I don't like it when she goes out alone.", Cullen said, disapprovingly.
"All of the soldiers and horses are afraid of Bog Unicorn.", Cassandra pointed out. "Even demons fear it. I've seen it take out a Red Templar Horror without help."
"I get your point.", Cullen gave in. "I just don't get why the horse seems to hate me especially. I haven't even been on missions with you, but every time I see it, it tries to stab me."
"Her bright smile and the freckles on her cheekbones, the soft curve of her breast. Wondering how she would feel under my hands, bending her over the war table, touching..", Cole muttered.
Cullen blushed violently red and Josephine started to giggle behind her hand.
"Enough, Cole.", Solas said, unusually sharp edge on his voice. "I do not wish to hear any more of commander's thoughts. I have studied extensively the Bog Unicorn, and the situation is clear. The creature is a spirit, inhabiting the body of dead horse for his own free will. It simply acts according to it's nature."
"Isn't it a demon, considering the way it acts?", Cassandra asked suspiciously.
"No. It is a Spirit of Purity.", Solas said, crossing his arms over his chest.
"It would make sense.", Dorian mused. "In Tevinter, we have stories of unicorns following virgins around. The solution to get rid of Boggy is really simple. She gets laid, and Boggy leaves!"
"You are despicable.", Solas snapped, his eyes flashing. "It is not the Bog Unicorn which is the problem! If you just stopped lusting after Lavellan, or trying to corrupt her with horrible romance novels like Cassandra and Varric do, the horse would leave you alone. I do not have a problem with it."
"Oh, really, Chuckles?", Varric asked. "Why I recall seeing Boggy trying to stomp on your foot?"
"It was in the last battle. Accidents happen.", Solas snapped and stood up. His eyes were bright with anger. "I warn you. Leave the Inquisitor alone. If you insist on carrying out some nefarious plan, the Bog Unicorn is least of your worries. Elvhen gods do not look kindly upon shemlen taking what is not for humans to have."

The rest of the companions sat in silence until they heard the tavern door bang shut.
"He is quite scary when he gets mad.", Sera offered. "One could almost think that he could summon the wrath of some long-dead elfy god. Mages."
"He protests too much.", Dorian said, twirling his mustache. "And I saw Boggy trying to stomp on his foot, too."
"All right. So, we can either to live with Boggy or find Inquisitor a boyfriend, so Boggy will leave. Who favors the first option?", Varric asked.
No hands were raised.
"And the second option, getting rid of Boggy?"
"That horse ruins all my attempts to create positive image of Inquisition.", Josephine said, raising her hand.
"I vote yes. It bit me on the ass.", Iron Bull announced. "Besides, sex isn't such a big deal. Might be good for her."
The vote was unanimous against Bog Unicorn.

"It is decided, then.", Josephine sighed. "There are many advantages to be had in pursuing a relationship. For the sake of Inquisition, I will ask Lavellan about her preferences and introduce her to few suitable options. She needs to learn how to dance for Halamshiral, anyway."