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The Cheezburger Run in the Sky

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The car came out of nowhere, horn honking and lights bright in Basement Cat's eyes.

"O SHIT," said Basement Cat. And then everything went white.

- - -

The first thing Basement Cat realized when he came to was that he was definitely not on the street anymore. Instead, he was in a field. A big, strange field that smelled vaguely of catnip.

"HOW AI GETZ HERE?" Basement Cat said. He didn't expect much of an answer. The field was empty. Tentatively, he sniffed around. There seemed to be an abundance of strange flowers that smelled odd, certainly not like any flowers Basement Cat had ever experienced before. Curiously, he nibbled at one.

"CHEEZBURGER?" He said, mostly to himself, and then took a bigger nom. The taste was unmistakable. "CHEEZBURGER!" He crowed victoriously. "CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER. HOM NOM NOM."

There were unfortunately only so many cheezburger blossoms one can has before they were full, and when he'd reached his limit Basement Cat strolled leisurely through the fields, stopping to nibble occasionally just because he could. He wasn't sure how long he wandered before he reached a sign.

WELCUM 2 LOLCATS HEAVEN, the sign read.

"O, SHIT," said Basement Cat

- - -

Eventually, Basement Cat did find a few other cats, though they were singularly unhelpful.

"HOW AI GETZ HERE?" He asked them. Most of them ignored him - they were cats after all. A few flashed him and began to groom themselves, which was just rude. Eventually, he found a group of cats batting lazily at a butterfly.

"HOW AI GETZ HERE?" He asked them.

"UR DED," said an orange tabby unhelpfully.

"BUT I R BASEMENT CAT," Basement Cat said. "DIS B HEAVEN."

"UR DED," the tabby repeated.

"HOW AI LEAVE?" Basement Cat said, deciding to try a different tack.


"HAIL GRATE CEILING CAT," the cats all chorused.

"O RLY?" Grumbled Basement Cat.

"GRATE CEILING CAT," the orange tabby nodded.

"O SHIT," sighed Basement Cat.

- - -

Finding Ceiling Cat was relatively easy - all Basement Cat had to do was figure out what direction he least wanted to go in, and go there anyway. Following this feeling led him to the edge of a lake filled with milk (which Basement Cat took some grateful sips of). In the center floated Ceiling Cat on a barge, lounging on plush pillows while several pure white kittens that all looked the same fanned him with banana leaves or brought cups of lake-milk for him to drink.

"O, HAI DER," Basement Cat shouted, and as if someone heard him, a small raft appeared that floated towards Ceiling Cat's barge.

"O, HAI DER," said Ceiling Cat when Basement Cat was floating next to him. "WAT U WANT?"

"HOW AI GETZ HERE?" Basement Cat asked for the millionth time.

"DIS B LOLCATS HEAVEN," Ceiling Cat explained, waving his paw. An inky-black cat with large ears bent down and scooped some milk for him to drink. "U B A LOLCAT."



"SO I STUCK?" Asked Basement Cat.

"U STUCK," nodded Ceiling Cat.

"ALL HAIL GRATE CEILING CAT," intoned the black cat solemnly, and all the white kittens squeaked, "HAIL!"

"O, SHIT," sighed Basement Cat.

- - -

It was hard to hold a grudge against heaven, Basement Cat found. The Cheezburgers were always blooming, there was always something to chase or pounce on, and if he wanted to torture himself and feel like he was in hell, he could always go talk to the other cats. Hell, Basement Cat discovered, was truly other cats. He could get used to this, perhaps even forgive the car that had crashed into him, ending his reign as Ceiling Cat's mortal enemy.

And then, one day, there was a bright light and Buckit Cat landed next to him, amber eyes blinking from his dented bucket.

"O HAI," he said. "HOW AI GETZ HERE?"

"O SHIT," muttered Ceiling Cat.