Actions

Work Header

If I could've stopped him.

Chapter Text

It had been two months.

Two months since the terrifying and terrific battle on Crait. Two months since the Resistance had to build itself back up from minuscule pieces left. Two months since the Millenium Falcon, heroically piloted by Rey and Chewbacca, flew away to Yavin IV with the remainder of the Resistance on board to start over from scratch.

More relevant to Commander Poe Dameron, it had been two months since Finn blew himself up saving the rest of the Resistance.

If I had just ordered him to pull back earlier, if I could've just stopped him, were all the thoughts wracking his brain in those two months.

The ride back from Crait was brutal, unrestrained agony. All Poe could do a was lay facing the wall in the cramped bunks upon the Corellian freighter. He didn't cry, he didn't laugh, all he could do was lay and stare at the blank gray wall. He had no cell left in his brain that could calculate and translate the emotions thrust upon him. It was the 5 stages of grief packed together in an overwhelming mixture of reactions-ending with him unable to step off the bunk.

If I could've stopped him.

He replayed Finn's final moments over and over again in his head. Poe and the rest of the speeders pulling away, leaving the lone vehicle with Finn in the driver's seat heading straight towards the machine expelling the searing laser of death. Poe looking over his shoulder, praying the inevitable wouldn't occur. The almost inaudible "goodbye Poe" he heard over the radio, and the merciless explosion sounds that echoed after it. "No," Poe had cried, but it was of no use. Finn was already blown to pieces by the cannon, there was nothing Poe could do now.

If I could've stopped him.

The remaining cruise left to return to the base was harrowing for the seasoned commander. Though he had only known Finn for an astonishingly short amount of time, his loss wrecked him nearly as much as his own mother's. He would never see his smile, feel his touch, hear his angelic voice, all because of one stupid sacrifice. Sure, it saved the remaining Resistance fleet, but it was stupid to Poe nonetheless.

If I could've stopped him.

He returned to the base, with most of the Resistance members cheering as they had outsmarted the enemy, and were just awaiting Rey's arrival with the ship of hope. Surely, Leia would tell her. Poe had not even met this Rey, but he knew she was important to Finn. He walked through the crowds celebrating, right past his small droid, who was immediately concerned with why the commander seemed so sad. On a normal day, Poe would crouch next to the mechanical orange and white ball and tell him everything was okay, except today was not one of those days. Poe had no encouraging things to say. He was emotionally full and emotionally drained at the same time.

If I could've stopped him.

Soon enough, Rey and Chewbacca arrived with the Millenium Falcon and whisked the Resistance away from the treacherous claws of the First Order. Poe avoided every being coming up to him, congratulating him for how he "saved the resistance." Don't any of you have any shred of decency? he thought, A good man is dead and all you want to talk about is how you're alive. I wish the Resistance and the rest of us died with Finn. He snuck his way into the farthest bunkroom on the old ship, laid down, and spoke to no one. The only sounds he could hear were his shallow breaths and his intrusive thoughts, replaying that horrific moment over and over again.

If I could've stopped him.

They tried speaking to him. Nearly every Resistance member had gone up to the grieving commander, while none prevailed. None of the members understood what his mind was experiencing, thus rendering them useless. The confusion surrounding what happened and why it happened overloaded the circuits in and out of his brain, leaving him unable to function. Several times General Organa had tried to break him out of this lifeless trance, but even she could not beat his silent facade. Many of the Resistance members were taken aback by this, as Poe had been the one to speak his mind on practically everything, and that voice of occasional reason was missing from the defeated yet hopeful atmosphere.

If I could've stopped him.

One time they tried to send Rey to talk to him. She had spent more time with Finn than any of her Resistance counterparts, and yet she grieved his loss less than the infamous x-wing pilot. She was sad, of course, but was still of use to the organization. She attempted to get Poe to open up, but with no end in sight, she gave up and began reciting stories about her time with Finn. Their time together on flying through the galaxy, when he returned to Starkiller base for her, when he fought Kylo Ren with the lightsaber, a foreign object to him. All these stories brought tears to her eyes, realizing there would be no continuation, however, all Poe did was lay as he always did, his back faced towards her.

If I could've stopped him.

He didn't move the rest of the trip to Yavin IV, only rising to move off the ship and back onto his home planet. When he exited the ship, Poe walked right past the old Rebellion base he used to run through as a child, heading back to his childhood home instead. The Dameron farm stretched across a sizeable amount of land, which all seemed small to Poe now that he was all grown up and had seen much of the galaxy. He met his father at the door but walked right past his welcoming embrace and went straight to his room like he was grounded as a teenager once again for climbing a tree on the wrong person's land. He slumped into his bed and resumed the position he had on the Falcon, staring at the wall blankly and not letting anything interrupt his rancid thoughts.

If I could've stopped him.

Kes Dameron tried tirelessly to reach out to his son, against the advice of the General and the Jedi. Despite his numerous attempts, Poe resumed staring at the wall, showing no signs of letting up. Until one day while Kes was reading another Rebellion history book the commander walked down the stairs of the house. His hair was matted and unkempt, along with the rest of his appearance. His stubble was much more noticeable, and his clothes still possessed the dirt, grease, and burn marks from the battle on Crait. He was visibly thinner, as not eating for a week would do that to you.

If I could've stopped him.

He walked up to wear his dad was sitting, slowly but surely, and practically collapsed onto the couch and into his father's arms. He sobbed into Kes's shoulder, his tears flowing freely following a week of them being stuck behind an emotionless wall of defence. "I loved him." Poe kept muttering through sobs, surprising his father, who held onto his son regardless. It was what Poe would've done if his mother had past when he was older. "You loved him?" Kes asked, still in disbelief. All Poe could do was silently nod into his father's shoulder, letting his tears take over most of the energy he had.

If I could've stopped him.

Once he had calmed down, after running out of tears to shed and eating a multitude of Koyo fruits, he told his father all about Finn. How he rescued him from execution, how his smile could brighten up the extreme darkness of any battle, how he would do anything to protect his friends, including blowing himself up in his final battle. He told Kes how he was powerful enough to defy the First Order and escape, and how Poe's jacket fit so well on him. All Kes could do was smile and nod, trying to connect the dots through all the information his son was spewing at him. All that mattered was Poe was out of bed, he was eating, and he was speaking. That was enough for Kes to not worry. Poe needed someone to hear his thoughts, and his father listened before the commander returned to his room to stare blankly at a wall once again.

If I could've stopped him.

It had been two months since Finn's untimely demise. Poe was still grieving, but he was getting better than before. They had a small memorial service for Finn, which was unusual coming from the General, but seeing how his death affected Poe, she decided to hold one. Poe was in attendance, one of the few times he had left the farm grounds in that first month. He got up to eat once or twice a day, went outside to help his father harvest the Koyo fruits, and even went to the new Resistance base twice in more recent times to see the General and Rey. He was still healing, and it was a long process.

If I could've stopped him.

He still thought about Finn every day, from the way his smiled formed to how his arms fit around Poe to shield him from the air hanger explosion. He still blamed himself for not ordering Finn to pull back earlier, but he was in the process of accepting it was Finn's decision and he had no control. He still loved Finn, and he was sure that would never change. Every night, he would go out on his balcony and look at the stars, knowing the brightest one was Finn. Every night, he would say goodnight to the star, and every night he felt like he knew Finn was watching and saying goodnight back to him. He knew in his heart that Finn never really left him, as he would always be there in spirit.