One Month Later:
It's three pm and I can't sleep. I just sit in this chair staring at the bed wishing I could drift off. After what happened with Paul, I can't sleep well at all, if at all. They made me sing for Lorne, or should I say, he made me sing for him. Angel was worried that I had taken on more demon than I originally had. Lorne was cryptic at best. He told me that I was were I needed to be and would know when it needed to change. But most of all, the demon in me was, for a lack of a better term sleeping. I felt at peace in a way. Wesley believes that when I kissed Paul it temporarily completed the spell, thus making him a complete vampire that was killable, but it had no damaging effects on me.
Ever since the I came back, Fred has had immense fun poking and prodding me, trying to figure out how a demon lives in a human. One word comes to mind, symbiotic. I don't mind. I've lived with it for almost 60 years; the rest of my life won't matter.
I look again at the bed and the man sleeping in it. Spike. Now there is what blows my mind. About a week after the ritual, Spike seduced me or was it the other way around? Anyway, we've been inseparable, and he has repeatedly reassured me that I'm not something to pass the time. I've since been staying with him in his apartment and it just feels strange to me. I should be happy, deliriously so, but I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I do love Spike, but something just doesn't feel right.
Spike rolls over in his sleep, moaning slightly. Then I hear it. "Buffy?" Barely a whisper from his lips and he quiets back down. I feel my chest tighten and I realize in that moment that he will never love me the way I need or want. I will forever be fighting the ghost of another woman. I'm just not strong enough for that. I watch him toss and turn for a while before I get up. I pack my bags quietly, and then dress. I leave the bedroom and sit at the table with pen in hand.
I'm writing you this to say goodbye. I've enjoyed being with you these past few months but I've come to realize that you love me, but you're not in love with me and never will be. You're in love with someone else and I understand that, I'm just not brave enough or strong enough to compete with her. I wouldn't know where to begin. Therefore, I'm leaving to save myself from that pain and to wrestle a few personal demons (figuratively speaking).
I just want you to know that I love you more than I've loved anyone in my life and always will. I'm grateful for the time that we've shared and you will always have a place in my heart.
With eternal love,
I fold the letter carefully and leave it in the center of the table. I pick up my bags, swallowing the lump in my throat and leave the apartment.
As I walk through the lobby of Wolfram & Hart, I see that Angel is still in his office. I turn and head in that direction. Knocking on his door, he motions for me to come in.
"Yeah. I just wanted to say goodbye." Angel gets up from his desk to come around and sit on the front edge of it.
"Any particular reason you're leaving?"
"Straighten out my head a bit. Maybe even find a nice quiet corner of the world and retire. Try to start a life that doesn't dive so deeply into the darkness." He moves forward and takes me into his arms.
"I understand Katy" I return the embrace.
"Thank you Da." I pull back so that I can see his face. "Can you do something for me?"
"You and Spike. Try to get along, at least a little bit"
"He starts it." Angel says, pouting slightly.
"I mean it. It took me a long while to find you two, so don't go staking each other." I poke Angel in the chest to make sure he gets my point.
"Alright. I promise not to stake him."
"Good." I let go of my father and adjust the shoulder strap of my bag. "Well I should go. Suns down and I need to catch a bus. Tell everyone bye for me?"
"Sure thing, but don't leave just yet. I've been meaning to give you something." Angel walks behind his desk and reaches in a drawer. After a minute of searching, he pulls out a set of keys and comes back to my side to hand them to me.
"Your bike. I had it picked up after you came here and parked it with next to my Viper in the garage. Thought you might like it back." He says with a small smile. I feel my eyes clouding up with tears. I reach up and kiss him on the cheek. "Thank you again."
"Anything for my little girl."
"I'm not so little you know?"
"I know, but I still love you."
"I love you too, Da." We stood there for the longest moment, and then I cleared my throat and stepped back. "I should get going."
I walk to the door and turn around. "Remember what I said."
"No staking Captain Peroxide." He says, with a wry smile.
"Because I will be checking in from time to time and I wouldn't have to come back to kick someone's undead ass."
I find my bike in the garage, just as Angel said and it's all washed and polished. I climb into the seat and start the engine. It must have been tuned up too because it never ran this well. I rev the engine and let go of the brake, and with a roar, I race into the darkness to face the world again. I'm sad to be leaving but for the first time in my life… I have no regrets.