It’s been two days shy of a year since Brittany Pierce married the love of her life, and every day, she’s so grateful to have found the woman who completes her. But standing in the dressing room of a department store, she feels a fluttery sort of panic in her chest. On the hook on the back of the door hangs three dresses, and another two are discarded on the bench behind her. Each one she tries doesn’t feel right, each one she tries makes her feel more and more frustrated. This isn’t her, this has never been her, and she just doesn’t know what to do .
Deep inside of her, Brittany has what, to her, feels like the biggest secret in the world. She’s kept it to herself for so long, she’s kept it from Santana, and she can’t help but feel like she's been lying to her. Surrounded by all of these ill fitting dresses, Brittany just begins to cry. She doesn’t know how to tell her, she doesn’t even know what it is she’s supposed to say.
Hey San, I know we've been together for a while but I kept this really big secret from you and sometimes I want to dress like a guy?
I just...I don't know how to explain it, I just don't feel comfortable in makeup and heels like you do?
I’m a girl, Santana, I don’t want to be a guy, but…?
Since high school, she’s gone through this battle in her mind. She’s tried to fit in, in a place where different isn’t exactly embraced. But now, now she’s married. She has a woman who loves her. She has a woman who she trusts with the darkest parts of herself, and she realizes, standing there, that she can't keep this to herself anymore. It’s eating her up inside more and more, every single time she tries to fit in a box that’s too small. Santana loves her, she'll understand…she has to.
Leaving all of the dresses behind, Brittany drives back to Copper Hollow. Her stomach roils the entire way, and when she makes her way up the long driveway, seeing Santana’s car in front of the house, she has to force herself to breathe.
“Baby?" Brittany calls out, though her voice is quieter than she’d expected.
"Hey honey!” Santana comes out of the kitchen and into the entryway, kissing Brittany’s lips. “How was shopping? Britt, were you crying? Are you ok?"
"I...I need to talk to you about something..." She blurts out, unable to wait a single second, lest she lose her nerve.
"Britt, honey, you're scaring me."
"I...God, I don't even know how to start…”
Santana takes her hands and squeezes them, though her own heart races in her chest, "What? Talk to me?”
Brittany takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, sinking down onto the bench by the door. Santana sits beside her, never letting her hands go, "I've always.. presented myself a certain way, tried to blend in I guess...I had enough trouble with some people in this town..."
"Honey? Is this about what we talked about last summer?”
“I mean.. sort of? But not completely. I was shopping today.. and I was standing there trying on dresses and it just... " She shakes her head, tears falling on the wood floor.
"Babe, tell me."
"It feels awkward. It’s always felt so awkward.. the dresses, the makeup, the heels.. It feels like... like i'm putting on a bad costume. I don't want to be a man. I don't. I'm a woman but I just... I just feel..I just want to be me "
"Baby... I want you to be you too. Whatever that entails." Santana caresses her cheek, eyes brimming with emotion, as she watches her wife struggle with telling her something that she wishes wasn’t so hard to confesses, that she wishes didn’t have to be a confession at all .
"Even...if I felt more comfortable wearing a jacket and tie to dinner for our anniversary?"
"Yes. Absolutely. I think you'd look really amazing in a jacket and tie."
" Really? "
"Really, baby I never want you to feel like you can't be you around me. I love you. Always."
Brittany hiccups out a sob, and Santana immediately wraps her up in a hug, stroking her hands through Brittany’s ponytail "Oh, my love...Please don't cry. Why are you crying?"
"I've just... struggled with this for so long... I never thought...I'm so relieved."
“Sweetheart.” Santana turns serious, but doesn’t stop touching her wife. “All I want in the world is for you to be you."
Brittany just nods and lets out another little sob, "God, how did I get so lucky."
"You're not lucky. You deserve to be you." Try as she might, Brittany can't stop crying. This is a relief like she’s never felt, and she can’t even express how she feels, even as Santana wipes the tears off her cheeks, and kisses the trails away. "Brittany, love. It's okay. It's always okay. I love you "
"I love you too." Brittany nods frantically, and they sit in silence for long moments, Santana hugging her so close, hating with everything in her than Brittany had to reach this breaking point.
"Britt?" She whispers, finally.
"What if we... Do you maybe want to go shopping together, for a suit and tie?"
"I mean, it’s totally up to you. But I'd like to..."
"That means so much to me San. I'm sorry it took me so long to tell you..." Brittany looks down, full of guilt, but Santana shakes her head.
"Please don't be sorry for that, this is a big deal for you. "
"I just...I don't know. It's so hard."
Santana nods, "I just want you to know, that you can always talk to me about Brittany. Okay? I know it’s hard and I know I don't understand everything that you're feeling, but I can listen."
"You...you promise you're okay?"
"I promise I am. I love you for you, that's all there is to it. And can I tell you something, Britt?"
"I think you'd look really sexy in a suit."
"Really San? You mean it?"
"I absolutely mean it. I can't wait to see it."
Brittany just can't stop crying. She never thought the day would go this way and God , she has the best wife. Santana keeps hugging her close, she won't let her be alone. She can almost see how this weight has lifted off of her.
"Brittany, honey? Are you ok?"
Brittany nods and takes a deep breath and tries to stem her tears, "Better than okay."
"Mmhm, just happy. "
“Oh, Britt. I’m so happy."
"I know I said it before but thank you. It means so much to me that you..."
"What can I do to make it easier?"
"Just knowing that you support me is making it so much easier. I just... Might need reminders sometimes."
"So, when I tell you you're beautiful?"
Brittany blushes a little and nods again, "Yeah.. No one has ever, you're the only one."
"You are. You're the most beautiful woman."
"Britt. You are. Inside and out."
Brittany's really trying not to start crying again, and Santana brushes the tears away with her thumbs, “Me and you, we are gonna figure it all out."
Brittany gives her a little smile, "Yeah."
"I can't imagine what you're feeling, honey, but I'm here."
"I'm still just... Mixed up about everything, I'm not even sure what I'm feeling but I'm glad that I have you to sort through it with me. I've felt like this since I was a kid.. I used to wear bow ties to school until the bullying got really bad..." Brittany takes a breath, and Santana squeezes her hands, reassuringly.
"Honey, no matter who says anything to you, I'm your wife and I love you."
Brittany nods again and let's out a shaky breath, "I love you too. Hopefully it won't be a thing.. But I don't know."
"Baby, talk to me more, tell me all about you."
"Umm, yeah, okay.” Brittany fidgets. “I don't know, I've just never felt like I really fit in, but you already knew that. But there was this thing, I was fine doing my own thing you know? I was fine wearing the clothes I liked and Gram was too. I liked wearing bow ties, they always made me feel really good."
"What happened to make you stop?"
"Things started to get really rough in middle school. No one cared when we were in elementary school, but once we got the middle school, it was a big deal. A lot of teasing and it just... I don't know, took something that I loved about myself and turned it into something I was ashamed of. So I tried to fit in, tried to emulate the other girls as best as I could. But I still went to Junior Prom in a tux San, and it was just...it was so awful. I wanted to die."
"God, I'm so sorry Brittany."
"I just...I was so humiliated." She shakes her head, tears running down her face, not quite ready to share the rest just yet. "So I just retreated, you know? And when I left here for MIT, I thought, this is it. This is when I can be myself. But when I got there, it was just not about me. It wasn't a place I could be free. So I bottled it back up. I kept up the charade. When I got back to Copper Hollow... I was just resigned to not dealing with it. And...I don't know. I don't want you to think I lied to you..."
"Oh baby, no. I don't at all."
"I never meant to keep it from you, I just didn't want to deal with it at all."
"I understand. I...I'll never really know what it is you feel, but I understand why you kept it in."
"I really... I'm not sure why it all boiled over today. I was just standing there and looking at all of these dresses and it was just... It was too much. I couldn't pretend anymore. Something just snapped. I...I couldn't keep it in anymore. I wanted to want to buy one, to feel right in it, but I just knew I wouldn’t."
"I'm sorry that you went through that by yourself. But I’m glad you don't have to keep it in anymore."
"I...I just didn't know. I was so scared for so long.”
Santana nods and squeezes her hand, "I know. But I love you unconditionally. I know it takes time to work through things sometimes, but I'm here always, okay?"
"Santana you're just...you're amazing."
Santana shakes her head, " You're amazing Britt. I'm so, so sorry you've struggled. I'm sorry you've been in pain for so long. That people made you believe that you weren't the best person in this town. You are so special, my love."
Brittany has tears rolling down her cheeks again and she lets out a watery laugh, "I think you're determined to keep me happy crying today."
“I'd much rather you happy cry than sad cry." Santana smiles a little, and Brittany just leans over and kisses her, there aren't words that she can say right now. She wants to hold her all night. That's all she wants.
"San? You think we could go lie down for a bit? I'm kind of exhausted." She's emotionally drained, she just needs to wrap herself around Santana for a while.
"We can do whatever you want, honey. I just want you close to me."
"I want that too. I need to be close right now."
"And maybe... Maybe we can do the shopping thing tomorrow?" Her eyebrows raise hopefully, and Santana gives her a soft smile.
"Yeah, of course baby. I would love that."
"Okay, thank you for doing this with me. I'm a little nervous but having you there will make it a lot easier."
"Do you want to tell me more?"
They walk upstairs to their room and Santana has her arm around Brittany's waist. She doesn't want to push, she just wants to make sure that Brittany feels free to keep talking about this. She’s held it in for so long, she wants her to feel okay with it.
"I'm nervous.. Of how people will see me. It's dumb, or it feels dumb but I don't know, I just... I'm still the same person I've always been. I don't want that to change. I mean...I mostly wear my work clothes and it's different but. It's...I don't know. Just to actively dress a certain way... It's kind of scary. There's no mistaking a suit and tie."
"I understand that. But I'm here to hold your hand. To be your wife, to love you, and to tell whoever has something to fuck right off."
"I know.” Brittany can’t help but laugh at the last part. “I'm so so grateful for that. It makes it a lot less scary. Knowing that you'll love me regardless."
"Oh God, Britt, always."
They lie down in bed, and Brittany closes her eyes, feeling Santana wrap her arms around her. She feels like she can breathe, having Santana hold her in her arms, knowing she’s here, knowing that she’ll be okay. She never in her life thought she would have a love like this, and now here she is, married for nearly a year, married to someone who loves her wholly and completely, even the darkest parts, the parts that make her different, the parts that she’d felt for so long were unlovable.
For a long time, Santana's just holding her and kissing her and telling her she's the most beautiful woman she’s ever seen. Brittany has struggled to put it into words her whole life, and without saying it all, Santana just...she understands all the things Brittany tried so hard to get. She feels kind of funny now, that she waited so long to tell her, but that’s hindsight. She just had to sort it out on her own, to get to this point, to be able to say it out loud. It's just silly. It's just bow ties and jackets. It's not like she dresses super feminine anyway She wears work boots, jeans and t-shirts most of the time anyway. But still, it feels different. She's supposed to dress a certain way when she's dressed up. But now...now she doesn't have to do that. Santana is coming with her to pick out something.. something comfortable and more her.
She feels Santana roll on top of her, and just softly cup her breasts and kiss her chin. She doesn't even know how much that means to her. God, she thinks of Santana tying her tie for her. It makes her heart thud. She just closes her eyes and takes even breaths.
"You're gonna be okay, baby, alright?" Brittany nods and sniffles a little. "You're not any less woman that you were before, okay?"
Brittany sucks in a breath, "How do you just....get it?"
“I just get you .” Santana kisses her chin again and shrugs
"I know but..."
"This isn't...I'm not...I'm not normal."
"Hey. Look at me. You are normal. And who's to say what’s normal anyway. You are the same woman you were yesterday. You are still Brittany Pierce, regardless of whether you wear a tie or a heels. That doesn't change based on your wardrobe."
"I'm just...I don't know San."
"I know.. I know, it’s going to take some time to work it out. But I promise, you're going to be okay, and I'm going to be right beside you the whole time."
"God, I'm thirty years old...I shouldn't be going through this now."
Santana shakes her head, "There's not a time limit, Britt. Who you are is so special."
"I just...feel so mixed up San. I don't know what I want and what this means."
"What do you mean, love? Talk it out with me, if you want to."
"I... I mean.. I know.. well I think I know that i'll feel more comfortable wearing you know.. ties and stuff but I don't know. What does this mean for me? In just have this thing inside me that says that it makes me less of a woman."
"Oh baby. No, no, no. You are a woman, through and through. You're this strong, amazing woman, and nothing can change that."
Brittany gulps in a deep breath, "I don't feel.. I don't want to be a man. That's not ever something that I wanted. I love being a woman but god, my brain is battling with my emotions on that. "
"Because you're afraid of the world not understanding?"
Brittany just nods, "I just... I'm still me. People are just so quick to make judgements, and I shouldn't care..."
"Sweetheart, if you're struggling with who you are inside, I get why you would."
"I don't want to care though, San. I wish I could just... do what I want. I hate that this fear is so ingrained in me."
"Baby. Oh, baby, I wish I could take it away. Do you want to talk to me about your prom?"
"Ugh. God. I thought I was being so brave that day. "
"I remember Gram helping me with my bow tie, and I felt so good. I felt like I was finally doing it, you know? When I was little, I'd wear bow ties and suspenders all the time, but doing it as a teenager, at something like prom...It was just... not done here. I was supposed to be in a gown. But I went with Dave, and he...he told me to dress however I wanted. We were...I knew that he was gay, and that I...liked girls too, but we didn't talk about that. We were 'dating' then. We got there and we were both in tuxes..." Tears start falling from Brittany's eyes, and she closes them tight.
Santana wipes her cheeks and kisses her lips softly, "You don't have to keep going if you're not ready, love."
"No. No. I...I want to tell you. I want to." Santana nods and kisses her again. "I...they just. Someone...they were just...someone said something about Dave being a fag, because he went to prom with...with a dyke. And...I just remember being so stunned.. And I felt like an idiot and I felt even worse because.. I put Dave in this position. Not only was I humiliated but ...I cried in the bathroom for an hour, until I called Gram to come get me and I just...I was so ruined. I didn't go back to school the next week. Gram told them I had the flu. I just... Couldn't face that. It was the last week of school, and I stayed home and just cried. My heart felt so heavy, and when I went back to school in September, I dressed differently. I didn’t even wear my regular jeans and t-shirts, I wore these tight dresses and put on makeup. I tried to just... Deal with it you know? I could suppress it for another year. It felt...It felt like I wasn't even only own body San, like I was putting these clothes on and just... Checking out." Santana just runs her hands through her hair, and tries to soothe her. “And then I went to MIT, and when I quit and came home, Dave had dealt with his shit, but I...I couldn't. I just started my business and I could dress like I do during the day...I didn't have to think about it. I never got close enough to anyone to have to worry about it... Until you came along. And I loved you so much, and I married you, and being with you made everything feel easier. And I wanted to deal with it but God I was so scared. I didn't want to lose you. I didn't...I don't want you to think I'm not the woman you love."
"Oh baby... You will always be the woman I love."
"I promise with my whole heart."
"Can I tell you something, San?"
"Of course, baby."
"I'm worried about it sometimes, thinking about when we finally get you pregnant, when we have kids..."
"I don't know. I don't want them to hear the things I heard." It makes Santana mad that Brittany even has to think about these things, and she clenches her fists. "I wanna just be their mommy, Santana."
"Brittany, our kids are going to be SO lucky to have you as their mommy. They're going to know how special you are, how much you love them, how you take care of them."
"I know but...what if...What if they hate me for it…?" Brittany whispers.
Santana feels her throat constrict, God...they're about to try for the first time, and Brittany even thinking this makes her feel sick, "Brittany Pierce, if there's one thing in the world I know, that to be loved by you is the best thing in the world. And our babies....they'll love you."
Brittany just looks down and "I'm so scared, Santana."
"About our babies? Or everything
"About... Everything I guess just.. I don't know. I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
"No no love, don't be sorry. I just want to do anything I can to make this easier for you. I wish I knew how." All Santana wants is to make Brittany happy. "I just want you to tell me if there's something, anything that will make it easier. It doesn't have to be right now but just if you think of something."
"You're already doing...you're doing more than I could have imagined." Brittany just kisses her hard on the mouth, " You're more than I ever imagined."
"I'm here always baby, my wife, my love, my beautiful girl."
"God I love you."
"I love you too, Brittany. I love every part of you."
The next morning, Brittany feels her stomach in knots. She’s so jittery, and even in the passenger seat of Santana’s car, she can’t settle herself down.
"Are you sure you want to do this San? We don't have to.."
"Baby, why wouldn't I want to?"
"I don't know..." Brittany mumbles
Santana reaches over and puts her hand on Brittany's thigh "I can't wait to see you all dressed up."
"Yeah, I'm really excited."
"I'm excited and nervous and kind of worried about trying stuff on...Like...What if the people working there say something? Do I try stuff on in the women's fitting room or the men's?"
"Oh baby, if someone says anything, I'll deal with that. And you go in the woman's room, you're a woman."
"Okay..."Santana laces her fingers with Brittany. She's glad she decided to just wear jeans and a sweater. They don't look all that different at all.
"I might pick out an extra tie for you babe."
"Yeah, if that's okay."
"I'd really, really like that. San?"
"Do you think maybe...when we’re in there, you could tie my tie for me? I'm not that good at it and..."
Santana smiles softly at her, "I would love to tie your tie for you." She brings her hand to her lips and kisses it, "Ready to go in?"
Brittany sucks in a breath and nods, "Yeah...Yeah."
"If you need a minute at any point, I'm here. We can step back."
"Okay, thanks San."
Santana gets out of the car and takes Brittany's hand, "I'm proud of you honey."
"I'm...I wish I wasn't feeling so yuck inside."
"I'm sorry baby."
"It's okay. I'm just being stupid."
"You're not being stupid, not at all. You've struggled with this for a long time, Britt. It's completely understandable that you're a little anxious about it. But you're not in this alone anymore. I'm right here."
Brittany puts her arm around Santana's waist and leans into her, "I don't know what I'd do without you."
"You don't have to ever worry about that."
It's a little overwhelming for Brittany waking into the men's section. She knows it's mostly just paranoia but it feels like everyone is looking at her strangely.
"Just me and you, Britt. Just me and you."
Brittany nods slowly, "Just me and you."
Santana's just looking at the clothes, and nothing looks like it's going to fit her right, "Honey? Do you have any idea what it is you're looking for?"
"I...Um...I'm not sure...Jackets? Maybe?"
Santana just doesn't know where to go, because there has to be somewhere she can find something that fits her as a woman.
"Let's go to the women's section, let's see if they have some suit jackets there. Or we can go ahead and look at ties now?"
Something about Brittany sighs this relief, when Santana says the women's section, but while she's here, she should look at the ties, so she doesn't lose her nerve
"Yeah let's do the ties now..."
Santana squeezes her hand again, and Brittany nods, "Okay, let's do it."
They get to where the ties are and Brittany is weirdly excited, "There's so many.."
"There are, I think this one would look amazing." She holds up a blue checkered tie. "The one would be so pretty with your eyes."
"Yeah? You think so?" Santana is so gentle with her, and she keeps touching her the whole time, showing her that she loves her. "Yeah, imagine this with a grey jacket, and maybe a really pale yellow shirt."
Brittany just gets this soft little smile and she can see it and God, it feels so good. Thinking this is okay, actually getting to do this, feeling like she can be herself, it’s everything she ever wanted to feel, and never thought she would.
"What do you think about this one, San?" Santana touches the soft lavender silk of another tie. "I love this."
Brittany grins a little, "Me too."
"This is all a gift from me today, pick out some more that you like."
"Really. Let me do this for you."
Brittany just leans over the tie table and kisses her, "Thank you."
"Of course, my pretty lady."
Brittany blushes and grins, "I like this green one a lot too."
She's becoming more comfortable choosing them, and Santana feels like she's blossoming a little. The anxiety is receding a little as she picks through the ties, holding them up for Santana to see. When she has a good selection, she steps back, and waits for Santana to lead her.
"Ready to go look at suits?"
"Yeah, yeah. Let's go."
Brittany is tugging Santana a little, and they get to the women's suit section and God, it's just...she's okay. Santana just feels such love swell up watching how excited she is. Brittany picks up a jacket and plays with the singular button
"Try it on, love."
"Should I...maybe find a shirt? And some pants?"
Together, they pick up more clothing, until they have a good stack, and Brittany takes a big breath. It's fine, they're in the woman's department, but these are clothes that will feel so much better on her.
“You want me to come in with you?" Santana takes Brittany’s hand, standing outside the fitting room door.
They go into the room, and Santana closes the door behind them It’s such a change, Brittany is standing there and her shoulders aren't drooped like they were when they were in the car earlier.
"Let's see you all dressed up, baby."
Brittany just smiles at her, "Okay, I'm going to try this on first."
Santana nods, and gives her a quick kiss, "That sounds perfect."
She gets into the slacks and button up and, "The lavender or the blue? Can you tie it for me?"
"Let's go with the lavender. Come here, let me do it."
As Brittany steps closer, she realizes how much she underestimated how it would feel to have Santana tying her tie for her. The pads of her thumbs stroke her neck, and she's so delicate as she tucks it under the collar and begins to tie it. Brittany just stares at her face and focuses on the feeling of her fingers working the knot. She smooths the tie over her chest and steps back
"Britt...you look...God, you look amazing ."
"Yeah?" She’s tugging on the bottom of her shirt a little.
"Yeah...really...so gorgeous. Let me see you in the jacket." Brittany nods and slips the jacket on, buttoning the middle button. "I think, babe, that you're going to need to wear one of these out. Maybe...I'll go pick out a new dress, and then we can have a fancy lunch date."
"Really? You want to do that?"
"Yeah, I want to show you off."
"San...are you.. are you sure?"
"Hey, look at me." Brittany looks up from fiddling with the jacket button, "I'm proud of you, I'm proud to be with you."
Brittany bites her lip and "Okay...I mean...good. Yeah, let’s have a fancy lunch."
Santana puts her hands on Brittany's cheeks and pulls her in for a kiss, "I mean it, Brittany. And I am so attracted to you like this."
Brittany kisses her again and wraps her arms around her waist, "Yeah?"
"So much. You just look so confident."
"I feel...I feel good, San. Like...I feel more comfortable than I've felt in a long time. "
"That means so much to me. I just want you to feel good."
"I do, just... San... I feel like I'm repeating myself a lot but, this means the world to me.. and just thank you for being you. For being so...just...for being here with me."
"Babe, you say all you need to say. I'm here, I always will be, and I adore you."
Brittany just holds her close for a few minutes just letting everything wash over her, "Okay, let me try on the rest, and then...we'll get you something too?"
She tries everything on, and it really effects Santana, the way she seems to feel at home in her skin. She's never seen her like this before. She chooses to wear the first outfit to lunch, and Santana picks out a dress, and they head down to the shoe department
"I think I'm going to look for some dress shoes San.. like some oxfords or something."
"Do you want me to come?"
"Would you? I mean we can look at heels for you first."
"Even though they're the last thing I need." Santana laughs
Brittany laughs, "Get some, as my gift to you."
"Nope, this whole day is on me."
"I mean it."
"Okay.. But I still want you to pick out some heels."
"I mean, I can't wear this dress with my Chucks, can I, Britt?"
"I'm positive that you could pull of anything and still be the most beautiful girl in the room."
"I think you would be wrong, Brittany Pierce."
"I'm pretty sure I'm not, Santana Pierce."
"Well you're not looking hard enough, because you're stunning."
"Such a charmer."
"Just a truth teller."
"Come on you, before we kicked out of this store for inappropriate behavior. I'm having a hard enough time keeping my hands off of you as it is."
“Just wait ‘til we're home. Getting you into this suit was amazing, but getting you out of it..." Brittany shivers at the feeling of Santana's fingers trailing across her collarbone. "Beautiful."
Brittany takes in a breath through her nose, "Jesus, Santana...I can't even believe this."
"Believe it, baby. I have a feeling that we're going to have a lot of fun with these ties..."
Brittany shivers, and swallows the dryness in her throat, "What kind of fun?"
"You'll have to wait until we get home to find out..." Santana smirks.
"Babe." Brittany groans. "Gimme a hint."
"All I'm saying is that I think this tie might fit over your eyes perfectly. It's just wide enough...But we'll see." Brittany gulps and her eyes are wide and she doesn't even know what to do with herself. "Maybe I'll even keep my new heels on."
Fuck..." She doesn't mean to whisper it but it just slips out.
"You like that, baby?"
She presses her lips to her ear, "What else do you like?"
Brittany’s eyes flutter closed, "Mmm, I like you just in heels, and maybe with one of my ties on...And that's it..."
"That sounds amazing." Santana hums against her skin, then steps away, "So... shoes?"
"Yes. Shoes are good."
Brittanys a little dazed walking to the shoe department and Santana is just smirking at her. She's buzzing. This day is like a dream. She still can't quite believe it. It's the best thing that's ever happened. The fact that Santana thinks she looks good like this, that she thinks she's sexy like this is just...more than she ever could've hoped for, and it’s doing amazing things for her self esteem. She's kind of keyed up, thinking about later. She's having a hard time focusing on these shoes, but she just wants something to go with this outfit. Then they can go. Santana in heels and her tie, the mental image alone gets her so hot.
Once she finds a pair of Black Oxfords that will go really great with her grey suit, Santana sneaks away into the dressing room. Santana always knows exactly what she wants, and she smirks when she comes back out, wearing a tight black dress and red stilettos.
"What do you think baby?"
Brittany just nods, her eyes raking over Santana and those shoes
Santana comes to press up against Brittany, "I think we're done here."
They pay for the shoes, and Brittany takes the bag that holds the things they came in, and the one with all of her new clothes
"What do you want for lunch, honey?"
"Since we're already out this far, how about that little French place you took me to right after I moved in with you?"
"Oh yeah, good idea! We haven't been there in ages."
"I know, and it's so romantic."
"It is, the perfect choice for our fancy lunch."
"Thank you for going on a date with me, Mrs. Pierce."
"Thank you for taking me on a date, Mrs. Pierce."
Santana drives them up to the restaurant, and she goes out of her way to open Brittany's door and pull out her chair. Brittany is just...so happy .
Santana sits down, and puts both of her hands over Brittany's folded ones on the table, "Hi, love."
"How are you feeling?"
"Good, Really good actually."
"Yeah.. I mean, I feel like me ."
"You look really beautiful."
"Thank you, San. You look gorgeous, too."
"You know what I was thinking about Britt?"
"That I'm so glad we talked about this now. So when you get me pregnant, there's nothing you're keeping bottled up."
"I...I really am too. I feel so much more free. And I think this will make it easier to deal with... those other things we talked about last night."
"I hope so. Honey, our baby is going to be so lucky to have you."
"I hope that I can be everything they need."
"I know you will, Britt. And I'm going to be so proud to carry your child." Brittany’s stomach swoops at her words. After everything, Santana is still going to carry their baby. "A few more weeks, we're gonna start trying, and when you get me pregnant..."
"God, San. I can't wait to see you like that."
"It's going to happen. So soon."
Brittany blinks her eyes really rapidly, "I still can't believe you still want to do this."
"Baby... of course I do. I love you so much, and I cannot wait to have a family with you."
"I can't wait to tell people that my gorgeous wife and I are having a baby."
"I can't wait to watch you hold our baby for the first time. When they meet their mommy."
Brittany wipes the tears off her cheeks, "Mommy...their mommy."
"Their mommy. Their mommy who's comfortable with the amazing person she is"
A little laugh bubbles out of Brittany, "You know...when I was sixteen...I never ever would've thought I'd be here right now. I just always thought I'd be alone. I'd stay in Gram's garage apartment forever, and I would have been alright. I never ever thought i'd get this lucky.. that a girl like you could...could ever want me. Especially want... this me. I...I mean you know, San. I'm attracted to men too, and the idea of that with this.... In this town it would have been easier to find a man but I...sorry, sorry."
“No, no don't be sorry. Please Britt."
"I just...man or woman, I couldn't imagine there being someone who just let me be me. But you're here...and...I'm me...And you still love me. It's just... So much. And you don't think I'm a freak."
"You're not. At all, I'm so happy that you can be yourself, that you don't have to keep this side of you bottled up. I'm so proud to be sitting here with you right now. And I really, really can't wait to get you home."
"I can't wait for that either."
"How about wine with lunch?"
"Yes please. That sounds great."
Santana smiles and orders them a bottle of the red Brittany likes. She won’t have more than a glass, but she wants Brittany to be able to loosen up. It’s just so nice, Brittany is smiling and relaxed. They have lunch, and Santana is so quick to pay the check. Brittany’s heart thuds in anticipation. She doesn't know why the idea of Santana taking these clothes off of her is so much more thrilling than anything, but God , she feels like she’s on fire. Santana is dragging her fingertips up the inside of her thigh in the car.
"I love these pants on you."
Brittany fights back another shiver, "I'm going to love them even more when they're on the floor."
Brittany groans, "San..."
"Seeing you like this has had me so turned on since you first took off your shirt in the dressing room. And then you were standing there in your suit and tie...God...I barely made it out of the dressing room with you."
"The way you put your hands in your pockets, Jeeze Britt."
"It’s so damn sexy It's doing so many things to me."
Santana squeezes her thigh and leans over the console to kiss her neck. Brittany keeps her eyes fixed on the red light in front of them. She's a little drunk from the wine, and she just can't handle this. She's so turned on its making her head fuzzy along with the wine.
"Green light, Santana."
Santana kisses her neck one last time and pulls back to settle in her seat. She keeps one eye on the road and the other on Brittany. Brittany flushes, and her ears are pink. She loosens her tie and unbuttons the top three buttons on her shirt. Santana bites her lip and runs her hand up and down her thigh.
"You're so fucking sexy, Britt."
"You're driving me crazy... how close are we to home?"
"Ugh...that's so long"
"It'll be worth your wait."
"I have no doubt... God..."
"Can't wait for me naked in heels, huh?"
Brittany groans, "Not at all, ever. "
Santana takes the tie between her fingertips, "I can't wait to have this around my neck, feel you pull me down by it."
"Sitting in your lap, reminding you what a woman you are."
Brittany feels like she’s going to pass out from arousal. She's trying to focus on the road and she's counting down the minutes until they pull into their driveway. Santana throws the car into park so quickly. She pulls Brittany by the tie and crashes their lips together.
"I've been waiting all fucking afternoon to kiss you like that."
"Santana, we need to go inside, now."
"Little anxious, baby?" Santana's voice is just dripping sex.
"You have no idea."
Santana takes the keys out of the ignition and opens the door, "You coming?"
Brittany stumbles out of the car and she's just...burning up. Santana is putting down away into her hips and Brittany is just in a haze. She looks over her shoulder and raises an eyebrow
“Am I gonna have to start without you or..."
Brittany scrambles up the porch steps to reach her, "Don't you dare. "
“Just making sure.” Santana smirks.
"Fuck, babe. You're too much."
Santana pulls her in close, and kisses her hard, "You're the sexiest woman alive."
"God..." And Brittany scoops her up into her arms to carry her up the stairs.
Santana yelps in surprise, but works the buttons on Brittany's shirt. She pulls the tie over her head and hangs it around her own neck. She feels Brittany's fingers on the zipper of her dress, and when Brittany sets her on her feet, she lets it drop to the floor.
Brittany sucks in a quick breath, "Beautiful..."
She's entirely undressed in the blink of an eye, minus the tie and shoes, and she sets her sights on Brittany, who's still mostly dressed, and raking a hand through her hair.
"You're a bit overdressed honey. Let me help you with that." Brittany is hyperventilating. Her naked wife is straddling her, and she pulls her close to kiss her. Santana moves the unbuttoned shirt off of her shoulders and moves her fingers to the button of her slacks. She sucks her neck as she undoes them, and Brittany scratches her nails gently down her back
"I need you out of these pants."
"You seem to be handling that." Santana smirks and pulls the pants off and drops them onto the floor. She's left in just her bra and underwear, and Santana isn't sure just how she wants to ravish her. She wants to be everywhere at once and Brittany is just squirming underneath her. "Baby please."
Santana gently pushes her down on the bed and leans down to pepper kisses across her chest. Brittany's breathing hard and her eyes are fluttering closed.
"I love you, Britt."
Brittany opens her eyes, "I love you too."
She's running her fingers through Santana's hair, and she can't even take all of this in. Santana is hovering over her with Brittany's tie hanging from her neck and it's just so sexy. Brittany wraps her hand around it and pulls her down for a searing kiss.
"I love you so much too."
The fact that Santana is so turned on after their shopping trip, after she wore her suit, just melts her bad feelings away. She can feel how turned on Santana is, in her lap like this. Her confidence is soaring and she flips Santana over
Santana giggles, “Babe, what are you doing?"
Brittany grins and kisses Santana’s stomach, "Having my way with you."
She feels the heels of Santana's shoes against the backs of her thighs and this whole sight is a lot. "God, you're gorgeous."
She watches Santana's chest heave, and she's not sure she's ever seen her this turned on, "Baby...I need..."
Santana is failing miserably at her plan to make this all about Brittany, but God, she's so confident and into this and she just has to let her. Brittany nods and slowly kisses her way down Santana's body. The way Santana is reacting to her makes her feel so amazing, and making Santana feel this good is the best part of this whole day. As soon as she touches her, she's arching up into her. Brittany never takes her eyes off of her, her nails bite into Brittany's shoulders, and she hears one of her shoes thud to the floor. She's definitely never seen her this turned on. She doesn't want to stop. She just wants to keep going and going until Santana can't anymore. That's actually exactly what she's going to do. Seeing her wife just...just loving her for who she is spurs her. She just keeps going until Santana pushes her away and pulls her up on top of her
"Babe I... fuck ."
Brittany just kisses her so deeply. Santana moans into it, and wraps her legs around her waist. She's pretty sure she still has one shoe on, but she can't feel her feet She can't feel anything really, except Brittany's mouth and her weight resting on her. There's so much she wants to say. Brittany kisses kisses across her cheeks and breathes an I love you into her ear.
"Britt, I just...God. You're just...This is you. It's you ."
Brittany bites her lip and nods, "I feel like me. I feel... Just... This is me."
"Do you feel good? I wanted to do all these things to you, but...you’re always good, but that’s the best you’ve ever made love to me."
"I feel so good. You don't have to do anything baby. Knowing that I still turn you on..."
Santana lets out a little laugh, "There will never be a time when you don't turn me on, and you in those suits... major turn on."
"Can I ask you something San?"
"It doesn't make you..question anything?"
Santana furrows her brows a little a shakes her head, "What do you mean?"
"I mean, I was scared...you're a lesbian , you know?"
"I'm still a lesbian, and you're still a woman. There's nothing to question, honey. "
"I was just afraid I wouldn't turn you on like this."
"I don't know, it's dumb."
"Hey, it’s not dumb. Nothing that you feel or worry about is ever dumb. I promise you though, if the last however many hours wasn't enough of an indication.. I'm still very attracted to you. I'm even more attracted to you, because you are so confident. Babe, your swagger in that outfit?" Santana groans, "So fucking sexy . You look comfortable and confident and i can tell you feel better. I could see how whenever you wore a dress, you were just tugging at it and fidgety. You weren't fidgety at all today. It... it was like watching a flower bloom babe. You have the most amazing body, and seeing how that suit jacket hugged your frame..." Santana shakes her head, "I'm pretty sure that doesn't make me less of a lesbian. In fact... it might make me more of a lesbian. I feel like everytime I look at you I get a little bit gayer."
Brittany laughs, "Well the past few hours were definitely pretty gay."
"Super gay.” Santana sorts.
"Sure you don't want to feel even more gay? ‘Cuz I think my jaw can handle it."
"Your jaw might be able to handle it but my vagina cannot. Babe, really, we just set a record." Santana groans again, trying to figure out how many fingers she needs to hold up.
"I think we did..."
"I'm not going to walk tomorrow, I'm pretty sure of it."
"Well good thing you don't have to. We can spend all day right here in this bed."
"So then I can't walk the next day ?"
Brittany grins, "A vicious cycle, I guess."
“Britt, your smile right now." Santana beams, making Brittany blush a little. "This is my girl, right in that smile."
"I still can’t believe this... this whole thing turned out this way…”
"With you making me come so many times I can't move? I'm personally a big fan of how this turned out." Santana winks.
Brittany just laughs out loud, "Well I mean, that too. I'm a huge fan of that."
"But in all seriousness, honey, seeing you happy is my favorite thing in the world. I know you were nervous today, being out like this, but what do you think now?"
"I.. I think its going to be a lot easier from now on for me to be myself.. It was scary this morning but once I saw that it was kind of okay... it wasn't so scary. I feel good when I dress like that you know? I feel like i'm finally who I need to be.."
"Is there anything else you need to do to feel like yourself? Baby, I mean it, there's nothing you can tell me that's going to change how I love you?"
"I mean... not that i can think of right now.. This was the biggest thing for me."
"Okay." Santana runs her fingers through Brittany's long hair, "I just want to do whatever I can to be here for you."
"You are.. you're doing more than I ever could've hoped for."
"If I do anything wrong, tell me, okay, Britt?"
Brittany just shakes her head, "You won't. But I'll tell you if you do."
"I know this was a huge deal for you, and I'm so, so proud of you, but I also want you to know that it's...it's so not even a thing for me, alright? You're exactly the same Britt you were yesterday afternoon, just a lot happier."
"I promise. Have you talked to Gram?"
Brittany shakes her head, "No, not yet. I'm going to tell her. I almost wanted to stop there before, and just...show her."
"I think that'd be really cool, Britt. For her to see for herself, if you feel like doing that."
"I think I will."
"She used to tie my bow ties for me when I was little. She'll be glad to know that she could do that again if she wanted to," Brittany laughs a little.
"Oh..." Brittany realizes something, and a dark look crosses her face, "San?"
"What's wrong babe?"
"You know how we're going down to the city next week, for that black tie author party thingy?
"Oh yeah, I do."
"I mean, I can totally wear the gown you helped me pick out for it, if that's still what you think it's best. I mean, it's your work..."
"Hey... I want you to wear what you want to wear honey. I'm going to be so proud to be on your arm, no matter what. I think the navy suit you got would look really great with my dress... Don't you?"
"What if....I wanted to get a tux? I mean...the navy suit is really good too..."
"Ohhh...Oh Britt...Yes. I don't know what I was thinking. I absolutely think you should get a tux."
"Really? That's okay?"
"Of course it's okay! God, I actually can't wait to see you in a tux..."
"I mean I'm just nervous because it's your job. You really don't care if I come like that?"
"I really don't. If anyone has a problem with it they can talk to me about it, but they won't. You're my wife, that's all there is to it. But honey, they wouldn't even dare anyway. Look at what my memoir is about. They know better than to cross me."
Brittany raises her eyebrows and nods, "That's a good point..."
Santana knows it must be especially hard, since the last time she wore a tux, she was humiliated. But she wonders if she can get Brittany a pair of engraved cufflinks in time for their anniversary. She wants her to feel so good about this. She's going to call around when she has a free moment alone. This is such a special thing for her. She bought Brittany a really simple bar necklace, and she knows she'll love that too, but she just wants her to feel really secure about this.
"Do you want me to come with you to pick out a tux?"
"I think...I think I'd really like to surprise you."
Santana smiles wide, "Yeah?"
“Yeah. I think so. Like...maybe Gram will go with me."
"How about you help me get in the shower, then we'll go over there and find out?"