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A letter to Sam Winchester, from Gabriel

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Dear Sam,

No that's stupid.

Heya, Sam.

No.

Sam...

 

Sam,

Sam, Sam, Sam.

Hi Sam. If you're reading this, well. You're doing more than I really expected, considering certain... things. I mean. Hell, it means you found this damn thing in the first place you know? Hopefully it's you at least. I don't know. If Dean read it and threw it away or something I'd be pretty bummed but I mean, hey! I'm probably dead! So I guess I wouldn't be all that bummed after all.

What the hell am I even talking about. Here I am writing a stupid letter to someone who probably hates me, and I recorded a porno just for you two, just to help, just because I can't leave you two alone but I also just can't bring myself to be fully serious about situations because you know what... You know what, Sam?

This is terrifying.

Absolutely terrifying. Writing this. Trying to... I don't know! Word my thoughts? When I know I'm going to die, in all likelihood, because this is me and I can't... I can't stop my brother. I know him, and I know what he taught me, and I know he's going to be here and I know—I know what's going to happen. In every... universe. Every time, something just goes wrong! And I can't stop it! And I wanna stop it Sam I really do but the most I can do is help you muttonheads stop the Apocalypse and that's... that's all.

                Can't change it. I'm all about free will, Sam, but every choice I make ends badly because that's just who I am. All bad luck. Give it to others, carry it myself.

                I wish I had never met you, Sam. No, that's not right.

                I wish...

                Sam Winchester, I wish we had met under different circumstances. I wish I had been just a normal janitor, and you a normal electrician. I wish we could have... well... flirted some more. Unless I am totally blind and you weren't in fact flirting with me in which case, boy do I feel stupid. But you know.... I dunno. That smile you gave me seemed at least a little flirtatious? And it was nice. I don't really... remember the last time anyone's looked at me like that, up to that point. It's been a long time since I really enjoyed the company of people. I just got too absorbed in fabricated women and dishing out just desserts I never really got around to just going out to a bar or the beach or anything, just to meet people. I guess I just figured I had all the time in the world, you know?

                So yeah. I wish we could have gone out for a drink together, maybe. Or a movie. I wish we could have been friends! I wish... I wish you were a lawyer and I was a barista, or a writer and a bartender, or a boy and a guardian angel. Anything but a hunter and a liar.

                But I am a liar. Biggest liar there is, huh? They say "Oh boy the Devil has a silver tongue" but you know what? Lucifer is a lot more truthful than I am. He twists the truth, sure. He sugarcoats it , he makes it bitter, he's manipulative. But he tells the truth.

                I just lie. Pretend I don't care, pretend I dislike you boys, pretend I'm not lonely. My whole life I've just pretended. Hell, I spent hundreds and hundreds of years pretending to be a god! A pathetic god who taught lessons but never seemed to learn anything in return.

                Sam.

                I'm sorry.

                I'm... so, so sorry. For everything. You know? I just. So many times I'd wished I could find the right words—the right thing to say. I mean, I look at you and... God. I just. I've done some terrible things. Made you cry so often, hurt you. I mean, TV Land? That's... that's fucking nothing. Dean acts so sore about it but really it was nothing. Though I am sorry for the game show. It looked painful. But... really. I'm not... I don't give a shit about the shows and the commercials okay?

                I'm talking about the serious stuff. The... well sending a fabrication to attack you with a chainsaw certainly didn’t gain me any brownie points but that's not what I'm talking about. I mean. You know what I'm talking about there's no way you couldn't. But I want to... I don't know, really.

                The whole Groundhog Day bullshit I pulled with you and Dean, I... it was uncalled for. I was trying to help, and like every time I try to help I just made everything worse. "Helping," my ass. I don’t know why the hell I thought making you suffer for that long would ever be helpful in any way whatsoever. I saw how you were... after. And... I acted like I didn't really care, you know, but... Seeing you like that—all robotic and empty and then so filled with grief I

                It scared me, Sam. It scared me a little. Because I made Sam Winchester into that I made you so broken and I hurt you so bad and I just want you to know that every time I look at you I am trying so desperately to find a good way to apologize but ultimately everything I think of is just too hollow and pointless and tactless and I'd only be able to get out something painfully stupid like "By the way! Sorry about killing your brother, kid! No hard feelings?" and what kind of bullshit apology is that?

                Just

yeah

kinda seems like not enough, to be honest. This letter I mean. I don't think there really is a way I can ever truly apologize but I'm gonna try and I'm gonna stand up to my family and I'm

                Well you know how that turned out.

Pathetic, really. Me, with my amazing powers and the stuff I learned from gods and Kali—I can't even take down an under-powered angel in the wrong vessel who's cut off from Heaven. Fucking useless, that's what I am. Back to the point though.

                Sam. Like I said, I wish we'd met under different—more pleasant—circumstances. And I'm sorry for everything I've done wrong and everything I did to hurt you.

                You're one of the most beautiful people I've ever met and in the future, when you're doubting yourself and Dean is being an asshole and Castiel can't help and no one can help—In the future... When it all seems pretty pointless... I hope you read this. And know that you're worth every breath you take and every drop of blood in your veins, and that you're kind and understanding and merciful, even to a piece of work like me, and I want you to know that you're not worthless and you're not dirty and you don't need to wonder if life is worth living because let me tell you something Sam.

                The world would be a far uglier place without your smile.

                So please, smile for me, Sam, and don't ever give up. For me. I'm an angel—a poor one—and I was made to love, and there has been no one more deserving of my love than you Sam. So... yeah. I kind of love you, in a way. I mean.

                I'll just shut up now.

 

Bye, Sam. Maybe, someday, we'll meet again in a happier world.

 

With all the love in Heaven, Earth and everywhere in between,

Gabriel

 

Your smile makes everything worth doing.