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A tale of selcas

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[Private chat: Yoonmin is my heartu]

 

 

 

goldenkook: is the universe against me?

goldenkook: does god hate me?

goldenkook: does he want me to give up?

TaeTaeflower: u got another dick pic?

goldenkook: … yes

sunshinemin: LMAO

sunshinemin: the universe's trying to tell u that u gotta start loving the dick

goldenkook: I'm not gay!

TaeTaeflower: … ok

sunshinemin: that sounds fake but ok

goldenkook: I hate u both.

goldenkook: u r such poor excuses of friends IS2G

sunshinemin: well u might not be gay (LMAO) but this boy right here is

sunshinemin: so... gotta go

TaeTaeflower: FAST

goldenkook: another session of instagram thirst?

goldenkook: wow

TaeTaeflower: LOL minnie you went through the entirety of Yoongi-hyung's instagram like seven times

TaeTaeflower: when will the thirst end?

sunshinemin: 9 times

sunshinemin: so what?

sunshinemin: don't you ever watch an amazing movie again?

sunshinemin: do u refuse to reread a beautiful book just cuz u red it before?

sunshinemin: the fuck, let me live

sunshinemin: you speak as if I don't know taht u saved all of Jungkook's snapchats

TaeTaeflower: SHSWHAT THE F UCKDJE

TaeTaeflower: YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE

sunshinemin: what was that?

sunshinemin: I'm sorry

sunshinemin: I don't speak “whiny bitch” so I can't read what u just wrote

goldenkook: “Ultimate” by Denzen Curry plays in the background, pixelated sunglasses fall from the sky, airhorns can be heard in the distance

sunshinemin: well, catch ya later

TaeTaeflower: damn

TaeTaeflower: that was savage

TaeTaeflower: i got fucking wrecked

goldenkook: did u really screenshot my snaps?

TaeTaeflower:  
    





 

[Private chat: WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

 

 

J-HOE: KIM NAMJOON ((╬●∀●)

J-HOE: REPLY TO ME YOU BITCH

J-HOE: I KNOW YOU'RE ONLINE U FAKE ASS WALNUT

destroyermon: the fck

J-HOE: did u

J-HOE: or did u not

J-HOE: download weirdass porn on the studio's LAPTOP AGAIN?!

destroyermon:

destroyermon: why u asking

J-HOE: CUZ THE FUCKING THING ISN'T WORKING ANYMORE

destroyermon:

 

destroyermon left WE DEM BOYZ

 

J-HOE added destroyermon to WE DEM BOYZ

 

J-HOE: YOU AIN'T RUNNING AWAY

goldenkook: oh shit

theprincess❀: what's this I'm hearing about weird porn?

goldenkook: * grabs popcorns *

TaeTaeflower: * grabs popcorns *

J-HOE: * grabs popcorns *

destroyermon: hyung I can explain

theprincess❀: oh... trust me... you will explain.

TaeTaeflower: THAT DOT THO

sunshinemin: I'm back what did i miss

TaeTaeflower: back from that instagram quest?

sunshinemin: COUGHCOUGH “JK SLEEPING” FOLDER COUGHCOUGH

sunshinemin: sorry, what were u saying?

TaeTaeflower: nothing

TaeTaeflower: t'was a typo

goldenkook: the fuck

yoongles: hey

sunshinemin: hello hyung

theprincess❀: well, would you look at that. Jimin joins the conversation... and immediately Yoongi does too... is this a coincidence?

yoongles: I need ur opinion on something guys

theprincess❀: are you ignoring my sassy provocation?

yoongles: which one of these selcas should I post?

theprincess❀: are YOU IGNORING YOUR MOTHER?!

yoongles:  
 
yoongles: 


 

goldenkook: 2nd

J-HOE: 2nd

TaeTaeflower: 2nd

destroyermon: 2nd

theprincess: 2nd

sunshinemin: BOTH

sunshinemin: sorry, fucking autocorrect

TaeTaeflower: sure Jen

sunshinemin: i like the first one more

yoongles: yeah I liked that one better as well

J-HOE: THIS WEAK ASS BITCH

J-HOE: I WAS WITH HIM WHEN HE TOOK THE FUCKING SELCAS AND HE KEPT SAYING THAT THE SECOND ONE WAS BETTER

TaeTaeflower: BOI

yoongles: well I changed my fucking mind Hoseok

yoongles: anyways, i have to go now I'm alreayd late for a class

destroyermon: *already

yoongles: Jin-hyung, the password for Namjoon's laptop is “automatic stick”

destroyermon: I WILL PISS ON EVERYTHING YOU LOVE

sunshinemin:

sunshinemin: automatic stick

sunshinemin: well, see you later I have class as well

theprincess❀: Joonie, why don't you join me in the living room. For a chat.

TaeTaeflower: rest in fucking pieces hyung

destroyermon: tell my parents I love them.

 

 

 

[Private chat: YOONMIN IS MY HEARTU]

 

 

 

sunshinemin: yall I've been blessed

sunshinemin: like have u seen those selcas

sunshinemin: is this what God meant when he created art?

sunshinemin: we are not worthy

goldenkook: are u back on Yoongi-hyung's instagram?

sunshinemin: you bet your closeted ass I am

goldenkook: I AM NOT GAY

sunshinemin: sure Jen

 

 

                                                                           

__________________________________________________





 

sunshinemin: ahahahahah

sunshinemin: AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH

sunshinemin: AAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

TaeTaeflower: the fuck

TaeTaeflower: ????????

goldenkook: is this what a psychotic breakdown looks like?

sunshinemin: YALL

sunshinemin: I'VE BEEN EXPOSED

sunshinemin: I'VE BEEN FUCKING EXPOSED

sunshinemin: PLS THROW ME IN THE PITTS OF HELL

sunshinemin: IN THE HELLFIRE

goldenkook: hyung what happened

TaeTaeflower: oh boy

TaeTaeflower: u did not

TaeTaeflower: tell me u did not like an old pic of Yoongi-hyung

sunshinemin:

TaeTaeflower: OH MY GOD U DID

goldenkook: I cannot believe I am witnessing your fall with my own naked eyeballs

sunshinemin: THE FUC K DO IDO NWO

sunshinemin: WHAT DO I DO

sunshinemin: IT'S 52 WEEKS OLD

TaeTaeflower:

goldenkook:

TaeTaeflower: what color do you want your coffin

goldenkook: I'll take care of the flowers. Peonies allright?

Sunshinemin: U FUCKING ASSHOLES HELP A BROTHER OUT

sunshinemin: I CANT BELIEBE THIS IS HAPPENENG

goldenkook: what do you mean

TaeTaeflower: when u nod your head yes but you wanna say no

sunshinemin: THIS IS NOT THE GODDAMN TIME IT WAS A TYPO FUCK YOU ALL

TaeTaeflower: how did that even happen

sunshinemin: I WAS HOLDING MY PH ONE AND THEN IT WAS FALLING SO I MANAGED TO GET IT BACK BEFORE IT SHATTERED ON THE FLOOR (LIKE MY DREAMS) BUT IN DOING SO I LIKED THE PIC I AM DONE THIS IS IT GOODBYE WORLD IT'S BEEN A WILD RIDE

sunshinemin: oh god i gotta do something

TaeTaeflower: minnie?

TaeTaeflower: minnie whatever you do do not dislike the pic

goldenkook: hyung... do you think he...

sunshinemin: I PANICKED

TaeTaeflower: U DILISKED THE PIC THIS IS FUCKING HILARIOUS

sunshinemin: I'm going to jump into han river

sunshinemin: I want to end my life

goldenkook: ok, let's calm down. Hyung, don't worry about it he probably won't even notice

sunshinemin: what do u mean

TaeTaeflower: WHEN U DON'T WANT ME TO MOVE BUT U TELL ME TO GO

goldenkook: i mean that Yoongi-hyung has like 10.000 followers right

sunshinemin: yea

goldenkook: and he just posted that new selca so he's probably flooded with notifications

goldenkook: u will be mixed with those other notifications so he won't notice

sunshinemin: REALLY????????????

goldenkook:

goldenkook: i mean, probs

TaeTaeflower: I'd start walking to han river

TaeTaeflower: just in case

sunshinemin: yea fam u rite

 

 

 

[Private chat: CYPHER PT QUEER]

 

 

 

destroyermon:

J-HOE: lmao u alive?

destroyermon: I'd sleep with your fucking eyes wide open Hoseok.

J-HOE: well someone forgot the HYUNG

J-HOE: also damn did Jin-hyung teach you of the terror a well placed dot can induce in a human? Cuz it's working

destroyermon: no, but you wanna know what hyung just taught me? That u r a piece of shit since I've been DENIED SEX FOR THE NEXT MONTH

J-HOE: LMFAO

J-HOE: Joons... tbh... u deserve it... since our laptop WILL PROBABLY BE DEAD FOR THE NEXT MONTH AS WELL

J-HOE: WE HAVE OUR TRACKS ON THAT THING

J-HOE: WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO UH?! ( ಠ ಠ )

yoongles: guys

yoongles: kinda need to ask u something

destroyermon: yeah, what is it hyung?

J-HOE: LOOK AT HIM U QUICK AS FUCK WHEN IT COMES TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT

J-HOE: THE FUCKING USAIN BOLT OF SUBJECT CHANGING

yoongles: let's say

yoongles: hypothetically

J-HOE: yeah right

yoongles: someone likes one of ur pics on instagram

yoongles: an old one like really old one

yoongles: but then u go on the pic and it doesn't show that they liked the pic

yoongles: what does that mean

J-HOE: lmao it means someone was stalking ur instagram and by mistake liked the pic and then tried to fix it by disliking it

yoongles:

yoongles: oh

destroyermon: how old is that pic

yoongles: 52 weeks

destroyermon: well shit

J-HOE: damn, dat means someone was really into your instagram lmao

destroyermon: u know who it was

yoongles: yea

yoongles: Jimin

destroyermon:

J-HOE:

yoongles: I

yoongles: I think I reached heaven or something

J-HOE: * inhales * BOI

yoongles: is this what bliss tastes like?

destroyermon: damn hyung congrats

J-HOE: someone might finally get dat jibooty soon

J-HOE: ᶘ ͡°ᴥ͡°ᶅ

destroyermon: u know, those emoticons look real fucking sexual

J-HOE: thats cuz u r a pervert, namjoon.

yoongles: hoseok

J-HOE: what

yoongles: u wash your mouth before u even try mentioning Jimin's ass

J-HOE:

J-HOE: I can't read suddenly I don't know

destroyermon: well, ask him out now

yoongles: what no

yoongles: the fuck

yoongles: u want me to see jesus?

J-HOE: why shouldn't u ask him out

J-HOE: he was stalking ur instagram

J-HOE: besides... everyone knows Jimin has had a crush on u since fucking forever

yoongles: who said that

yoongles: who

yoongles: i'll choke them to death

yoongles: he's not into me tf

yoongles: he's too pure for me

yoongles: too good

yoongles: too hot

yoongles: too everything

yoongles: i'm not good enough are u kidding me he deserves the world not me

J-HOE:

J-HOE: @GOD: are u seeing this shit?

destroyermon: unfuckingbelievable

 


 

Chapter Text

 

[Private chat: CYPHER PT QUEER]

 


 

J-HOE: IS YOONGI AWAKE

destroyermon: you're his flatmate why are u asking me

J-HOE: I'M NOT HOME NOW

J-HOE: AND SOMETHING MASSIVE HAPPENED

J-HOE: YOONGI HYUNG WAKE UP

J-HOE: WAKE UP U WASHED UP PIECE OF CLOTH

destroyermon: i'm trying to cuddle with Jin can u pls stop making my phone buzz

J-HOE:

J-HOE: I mean u could use that buzzing for more /funny/ things than cuddling

destroyermon: BLOCKED AND REPORTED

J-HOE: YOONGI WAKE THE F UCK UP

 

 

 

[Private chat: WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

 

 

sunshinemin: yall i just found the most useless thing in the world

sunshinemin: and /the/ thing that Tae didn't know he wanted but that he needs

goldenkook: a dildo?

J-HOE: a life?

destroyermon: grammars?

theprincess❀: self control?

TaeTaeflower: literally fuck all of u

TaeTaeflower: damn i ddn't know today was “taehynug's roasting day”

destroyermon: HE CAN'T EVEN SPELL HIS FUCKING NAME

TaeTaeflower: what is dis SLANDER???????

sunshinemin: ehm i'm sorry but who was talking?

sunshinemin: me.

sunshinemin: i was talking so how about u listen to me

J-HOE: shit chim, find ur chill

sunshinemin: what was that, hyung? Did u just say that i should talk about that time u were drunk

sunshinemin: and u told me all of ur kinks

theprincess❀: SPILL THIS TEA MY CHILD

J-HOE: m(._.)m

J-HOE: pls forgive me

J-HOE: i'm bowing, see? Forgive me

sunshinemin: good

sunshinemin: now for the very useless thing

sunshinemin:



sunshinemin:



 

destroyermon: ????

theprincess❀: … are those what I think they are

sunshinemin: gucci chopsticks

J-HOE: Taehyung: * NUTS *

goldenkook: the fucl

goldenkook: come on even tae wouldn't want those

TaeTaeflower: SHWDSADBAKFHSKDHFA SH ITREWF

TaeTaeflower: HOW MUCH

TaeTaeflower: HOw MCH OF F MY MONEY DO THEY WWAN T

goldenkook: why are u like this

sunshinemin: LMAO yall are forgetting that this idiot spent all of his m oney on gucci slippers?!

J-HOE: what gucci slippers????

TaeTaeflower: * softly* don't

sunshinemin: THese GUCCI SLIPPERS

sunshinemin:



 

TaeTaeflower: W HYE ARED U /EXPOSING/ ME DISI WAYZ

 

 

 

[Private chat: CYPHER PT QUEER]

 

 

J-HOE: I'm home and I heazsd him HEQ woOKE UP

destroyermon: ffs i didn't understand anything of what u just worgte

J-HOE: “worgte” what the fuck fif u hav a stroke or smth

destroyermon: i won't let someone who typed “fif” judge my grammars

J-HOE: I was saying

J-HOE: hE WOKE UP YOONGI HYUNG WOKE UP

destroyermon: … it's 2 in the afternoon

J-HOE: its his free day don't judge him

J-HOE: and O BOI IS HE IN FOR A SURPRISE

destroyermon: what did i miss

J-HOE: a certain special someone posted a selca this morning

J-HOE: and i know that hyung (being the weak ass bitch he is) has the notifications on for that special someone

destroyermon: OH BOIII

destroyermon: and now we wait

J-HOE: he's kinda slow in the mrjfncsjs

destroyermon: THE FUC K WAS DAT

J-HOE: IM SORRY BUT HYUJNG DCARED DE FUCK OUT OD ME

destroyermon: I KNOW U R TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND ??????????

J-HOE: OMG

J-HOE: IS2G

J-HOE: OH MAN I GOTTA RECRDO DIS SHIT

J-HOE: audio.mp4

destroyermon:

destroyermon: wha t the actual fuck is that sound

J-HOE: that, my dear Namjoon...

J-HOE: is the sound of Yoongi hyung screaming in pure agony as he sees Jimin's selca

destroyermon: IM WHEFEZIN G

destroyermon: this is SUCH GO OD BLACKMAIKLE MAKTERIAL

J-HOE: what happened to your grammar

destroyermon: ITWENT ODN HOLIDSYA

J-HOE: what are u even saying

J-HOE: OH MY GUCKING GOF

destroyermon: what??

J-HOE: HE LITERALLY CAME OUT OF THE ROOM

J-HOE: LOOKED AT ME STRAIGHT IN THE EYES

J-HOE: AND HE LOOKED FUCKING WREKCED

J-HOE: AND THE BITCH HAS THE NERVE

J-HOE: THE AUDACITY

J-HOE: TO SAY “is there any coffee left”?

destroyermon: LMAO

J-HOE: like BOI I SEE U HAVING LIKE 9 HEART ATTACKS WHO ARE U TRYIN TO FOOL

yoongles:

yoongles: the fuck

yoongles: i'm fine

yoongles: i'm great

J-HOE:

destroyermon:

J-HOE: 



 

yoongles: I. AM. FINE.

J-HOE: well, would u look at that Namjoon? He's fine.

destroyermon: is he now

J-HOE:

J-HOE: well, since u say u r fine its not a problem if i just send a pic right

yoongles: hoseok i will m urder u in ur sleep

yoongles: i mean it

yoongles: i'll tell tae u wanted to suck his dick the first time u saw him

J-HOE:



 

yoongles: ASDNqwaihSHIWUDHQ3Q029428RIDFCKq

J-HOE: ARE U SEEING THIS SHIT

J-HOE: THIS MAN GOING AROUND SAYING HE'S FINE

J-HOE: HE LITERALLY JUST DROPPED HIS FUCKING PHONE

destroyermon: LMAO

destroyermon: wow dis is a real example of what a selca should look like

destroyermon: perfect angle

destroyermon: perfect nose and huge eyes

destroyermon: look at dat NECK

J-HOE: perfect lips for sucking cock

yoongles: hoseok

J-HOE: wat

yoongles: run

J-HOE: (´◉◞⊖◟◉`)

destroyermon: FUCKING RIP


_____________________________________

 

J-HOE: I HID IN THE TOIKET ID ONTD HAVE TIEM HES NANGING ON THE DOOR

J-HOE: THESE MIWFJ BE MI LAST WORDSA

J-HOE: HIDE MY PORN

J-HOE: UR THE ONLYJ 1 I CNA TRUST WIT MU PORN

destroyermon: … I will, brother.

destroyermon: ur sacrifice won't be vain.

 

 

 

[Private chat: WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

 

theprincess: wait a second

theprincess: WAIT A SECOND

sunshinemin: what?

theprincess: are we going to ignore the fact that Jungkookie

theprincess: my precious son

theprincess❀: light of my life

theprincess❀:my favorite child

TaeTaeflower: RUDE

theprincess❀: ARE WE GOING TO IGNORE THAT OUT DEAR KOOKIE SAID THAT TAEHYUNG NEEDED A DILDO?!

goldenkook: ...

sunshinemin: oh my gad

 

goldenkook left WE DEM BOYZ

 

sunshinemin added goldenkook to WE DEM BOYZ

 

goldenkook: pls

goldenkook: let me live

theprincess❀: like hell we are

sunshinemin: why a dildo, kook

theprincess❀: yea why a dildo

theprincess❀: we all said funny thing

theprincess❀: except for u

theprincess❀: u said dildo

theprincess❀: why would u say that

goldenkook: guys, please

yoongles: jungkook: * sweats profusely *

sunshinemin: hello hyung!

Yoongles: hey

TaeTaeflower: guys, I think thats enough

theprincess❀: it's just so funny to me that Jeon Jungkook

theprincess❀:straight guy Jeon jungkook

theprincess❀:would suggest that what Taehyung needs is a dildo

theprincess❀: and I can't help but wonder as to why would a dildo be the first thing Jungkook thinks about when we mention Taehyung

theprincess❀: is it because maybe

theprincess❀: just maybe

goldenkook: hyung, drop it

theprincess❀: maybe he wants to use that particular dildo WITH TAEHYUNG

theprincess❀:



 

goldenkook: fuck you hyung

 

goldenkook left WE DEM BOYZ

 

 

theprincess❀: DID HE JUST SAY FUCK YOU TO HIS MOTHER

TaeTaeflower: he did

TaeTaeflower: and he had all the fucking reasons to

theprincess❀: … Tae?

sunshinemin: … maybe we did went a little overboard

sunshinemin: we know he's sensitive on the subject

theprincess❀: well now I feel like shit

 

 

 

[Jungkookie❤]

 

TaeTae: kookie?

TaeTae: u ok?

Jungkookie❤: i'm fine

TaeTae: u know he was just fooling around, right?

Jungkookie❤: I know

Jungkookie❤: it's just that sometimes they say this things without thinking and

Jungkookie❤: and they even got u in the middle and thats just fucking wrong

Jungkookie❤: and i dontknow why i said dildo I just said the first thing that came to my mind and i'm sorry for that tae

TaeTae: hey, it's ok

TaeTae: i'm not mad at u really

TaeTae: look kookie, I know that this kind of things piss u off and that u keep up with Jimin's and mine's antics cause u r comfortable enough around us

TaeTae: but I also know why it pisses u off so much when they say these things so I don't blame u

Jungkookie❤: ok

Jungkookie❤: thanks hyung

TaeTae: its ok

Jungkookie❤: Tae

TaeTae: what?

Jungkookie❤: so u know how to fucking spell

TaeTae: U KNOW WAT U UNGRATEDUL BRAT

Jungkookie❤: lol

 

 

 

[Seoksie]

 

 

 

TaeTae: hyung

Seoksie: what is it my precious taetae

Seoksie: pretty taetae

TaeTae: being in love with a straight guy is fucking horrible

Seoksie: Yeah. I'm sorry kid

TaeTae: can u make me laugh?

Seoksie: of course

Seoksie: the usual?

TaeTae: please

Seoksie: when u remember that ur supposed to be straight but u just suggested that your best bro needs a dildo



 

TaeTae: will that ever stop being funny?

Seoksie: no

 

 

[Private chat: WE DEM BOYZ]

 

TaeTaeflower added goldenkook in WE DEM BOYZ

 

goldenkook: I'm sorry hyung

theprincess❀: DON'T BE I AM SORRY

theprincess❀: MY PRECIOUS BEAN

theprincess❀: MY SON

theprincess❀: I'M SORRY

theprincess❀: EOMMA IS SORRY

theprincess❀: I'LL BRING U FOOD LATER OKAY? I'LL BRING U ALL THE SIDE DISHES WE OWN

goldenkook: … thank you

sunshinemin: we should always get along like this

sunshinemin: (.=^・ェ・^=)

 

 

[Private chat: CYPHER PT QUEER]

 

yoongles: hoseok, quickly

J-HOE: I am literally sat down next to u on the couch

J-HOE: use ur words

yoongles: I ain't talking to u for the next century asshole

yoongles: u know those damn japanese emoticons, u always use em

J-HOE: yea

yoongles: what does this mean? (.=^・ェ・^=)

J-HOE: isnt dat the 1 Jimin jist used

yoongles: what. Does. It. mean.

J-HOE: chill

J-HOE: it's like a happy cat

yoongles: a happy cat

J-HOE: NAMJOON U GOTTA SEE DIS SHIT

J-HOE: DIS GROWN ASS MAN IS FUCKI NG CLUSJ BLUSHING

J-HOE: BCS OF A GODDAMN EMOTICON HIS CRUSH USED

yoongles: hoseok

J-HOE: wat

yoongles: run

destroyermon: RIP X2

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Text

[ Yoongi ♡]

 

 

Yoongi♡: morning

Minnie: morning hyung! °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°

Yoongi♡: Did u sleep well?

Minnie: I did! I'm surprised u r awake, it's early

Yoongi♡: got an early class

Minnie: i'm even more surprised u texted me ahahah

Yoongi♡: why?

Minnie: Well u rarely text me first

Yoongi♡:

Yoongi♡: i felt like saying good morning to you

Minnie: oh

Minnie: ok

Minnie: cool

Minnie: nice

Yoongi:yes

Minnie: yeah

Yoongi♡: have a good day, Jiminie

 

 

 

[Private chat: WE DEM BOYZ]

 

J-HOE: oh

J-HOE: oh, what's this I have with me?

J-HOE: what could the great jung hoseok have brought with him on this glorious day?

theprincess❀: ??

J-HOE: I bring

J-HOE: 



 

theprincess❀: well then SPILL IT

theprincess❀: not that I care.

goldenkook: Jin: I don't like drama.

goldenkook: drama: happens

goldenkook: Jin:



 

destroyermon: LMAO

J-HOE: here's the hot tea

J-HOE: I was at tae's house cuz we got a thing to do for theatre

J-HOE: and I had his laptop in my hands

J-HOE: and it all happned by pure fucking coincidence BUT BOI

J-HOE: ME, THE GREAT HUNG HOSEOK

J-HOE: *jung sorry typo

theprincess❀: we all know dat was not a fucking typo

J-HOE: I found out about Taetae's little hobby

destroyermon: pls tell me its nasty porn so that u finally let me breathe

J-HOE: close

J-HOE: I found

TaeTaeflower: oh shit

J-HOE: his fanfictions

 

TaeTaeflower left WE DEM BOYZ

 

J-HOE added TaeTaeflower to WE DEM BOYZ

 

TaeTaeflower left WE DEM BOYZ

 

J-HOE: look at this bitch, he be trying to r un away

J-HOE: let him have it

J-HOE: so, fanfictions ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

destroyermon: ARE THEY DIRTY

J-HOE: not all of them

J-HOE: this kid being precious even with the fanfictions, he enjoys the fluff

destroyermon: weak

J-HOE: errr I think u meant ADORABLE AND IN NEED OF PROTECTION

goldenkook: tf is a fanfiction

sunshinemin: …

J-HOE: …

destroyermon: …

theprincess❀: …

theprincess❀: we shall not... taint the baby

destroyermon: must be... kept pure

sunshinemin: ????

sunshinemin: /PURE/ YEA RIGHT

sunshinemin: THIS FUCKBOI BE HAVING SO MANY 1 NIGHT STANDS I LOST COINT

sunshinemin: PURE

sunshinemin: HE BE CHANGING GIRLS THE SAME WAY YOONGI-HYUNG CHANGES HAIR COLOR

goldenkook:

goldenkook: the fuck am I a slut now

sunshinemin: stfu u overpriced potato

J-HOE: imma print this texts, imma tattoo them on my bare skin imma worship them

theprincess❀: don't u worry child

theprincess❀: eomma will tell u what fanfiction is

theprincess❀: basically, u take characters from a tvshow, book, movie anything and u write a different story with them

destroyermon: straight outta urban dictionary

sunshinemin: lol

goldenkook: that doesnt sound bad

J-HOE: they usually have porn

goldenkook: now im interested

destroyermon: what are Tae's otps

J-HOE: THATS WHERE THE TEA GETS HOT

J-HOE: the fanfictions

J-HOE: are written by tae himself

sunshinemin: BOIIIIIIII

J-HOE: and they r about us

 

goldenkook left WE DEM BOYZ

 

J-HOE added goldenkook to WE DEM BOYZ

 

sunshinemin: TWLLE US EVRYTHIGNF

J-HOE: imma skip the fluff cuz ain't nobody got time for dat

J-HOE: tho they cute af like good job tae

J-HOE: my 1st question is

J-HOE: namjoon, u have a foot fetish or smth?

destroyermon: ??????????

J-HOE: cuz tae think u do

destroyermon: wtf why

J-HOE: idk but in dis fic u have like the biggest foot fetish

J-HOE: and tbh

J-HOE: u have the face of a man who has foot fetish

destroyermon: im blocking u

goldenkook: i cant see suddenly i don't know

destroyermon: i dont have a foot fet ish

sunshinemin:

sunshinemin: “converse high”

destroyermon: I

goldenkook: EXPOSED

sunshinemin: I'm so into your converse high

destroyermon: stop

sunshinemin: I can't help it i'm so into your converse high

J-HOE: JIMIN IS PULLING OUT THE RECEIPTS

destroyermon: Itì'S JSUTD A SONG

destroyermon: @theprincess❀ TELL THEM IS DONT HAVE FOOT FETSISH

theprincess❀: …

destroyermon: /HYUNG/

theprincess❀: joonie u always say you love my ankles

theprincess❀: is this the reason?

theprincess❀: I'm shook

destroyermon: U JUSTE HAVE NICE ANKKESL

sunshinemin: ur nasty namjoon hyung

sunshinemin: ur a father of 5 how can u be like this

destroyermon: I came out to have a good time and i'm honestly feeling so attacked right now

J-HOE: oh, but minnie u be acting so innocent...

J-HOE: but there's something about u here as well

sunshinemin: wat

yoongles: what about Jimin?

destroyermon: BOI

theprincess❀: LOOK AT HIM HE APPEAREDD OUT OF THIN AIR AT THE MENBTTION OF JIMIJN

theprincess❀: SHADY AF

J-HOE: now see thing is tae is jimin's best friend right

J-HOE: which means he must know Jimin's kinks

J-HOE: which is why i gotta ask u jimin

sunshinemin: no

J-HOE: what's this I'm reading about blindfolds

 

sunshinemin left WE DEM BOYZ

 

J-HOE: YALL GOTTA SEE THIS I GOT YOONGI HYUUNG SHAKING NEXT TO ME

 

J-HOE added sunshinemin to WE DEM BOYZ

 

sunshinemin: i don't know what a blindfold is i never heard of it i swear

J-HOE: then waat about spanking

yoongles: sbwefj

destroyermon: the fuck

yoongles: nothing

J-HOE: right

sunshinemin:

 

sunshinemin added TaeTaeflower to WE DEM BOYZ

 

sunshinemin: EXPLAIN

TaeTaeflower: oh shit

TaeTaeflower: like

TaeTaeflower: idk what to sya yall

TaeTaeflower: its a hobby and obviously

TaeTaeflower: OBVIOUSLY

TaeTaeflower: jimin doesntnhave those kinks

TaeTaeflower: obviously

theprincess❀: id believe u

theprincess❀: but i dont

destroyermon: but like what are the pairings

TaeTaeflower: HOSEOK HYUNG DO NOT

J-HOE: we got like five namjin fics and they all cute as hell tbh two coffee shops aus

J-HOE: and they pretty vanilla if it werent for the damn foot fetish

destroyermon: I DON'T HAVE IT

TaeTaeflower: sounds fake but ok

J-HOE: the really kinky ones are the yoonmins

TaeTaeflower: DJEHDKQDWKJD D PKESJd

goldenkook: I N T E R E S T I N G

yoongles: the fuck is a yoonmin

TaeTaeflower: * looks at Jimin *

goldenkook: * looks at Jimin *

J-HOE: * looks at Jimin *

sunshinemin: /sweats profusely/

J-HOE: yoongi hyung i have a question for you

TaeTaeflower: WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOSE

J-HOE: how do u feel about being called daddy

yoongles: the

sunshinemin: what the

J-HOE: cuz i feel like u might be into it

J-HOE: also do u have a oppa kink

yoongles: N O

J-HOE: LMAO HE STOPPED BRWATHING IM RUNNGIN TO THE TOILERT CUZ I FEEL LIKE EIM IN DANGER

yoongles: i dont rdshhave an oppa kjnk

TaeTaeflower: LIES

J-HOE: OKAY IM SAFE LET ME CONTINUE

J-HOE: let me read u an extract of one of my faves

TaeTaeflower: u WOULDNT

J-HOE: its a yoonmin one

goldenkook: * grabs popcorn *

J-HOE: “Jimin's body is warm, his skin covered in a thin layer of sweat, pliant under Yoongi's hands”

TaeTaeflower: S TOP

J-HOE: “-What does baby want?- Yoongi asks and Jimin lets out a strangled moan”

 

TaeTaeflower left WE DEM BOYZ

 

sunshinemin: I crave death

yoongles: hoseok stop

J-HOE: “-Do I have to ask again?- Yoongi bites the inner side of Jimin's thigh and smirks as the younger boy's body shivers, as a whimper escapes his mouth”

sunshinemin: I want to execute myself

yoongles: hoseok i swear to fucking god, stop this shit

J-HOE: hyung, chill

yoongles: chill? Are u shitting me

yoongles: this is fucking worng hoseok

goldenkook: yoongi hyung u might want to stop speaking

yoongles: i cant fuxking believe this

yoongles: with jimin icant

yoongles: its disgusting

J-HOE: hyung u really need to stop talking

 

sunshinemin left WE DEM BOYZ

 

J-HOE: oh shit

yoongles: congratulations

yoongles: nice job hoseok

J-HOE:

J-HOE: hyung

goldenkook: it wasn't because of Hoseok hyung

theprincess❀: oh yoongi...

yoongles: what are u talking about

goldenkook: lets not talk abou dat hes probably fine

goldenkook: ill add him back when he wants to

yoongles: anyone care to explain?

goldenkook: if u dont get it then ur more clueless than i though hyung

yoongles: whatever i have class

yoongles: hoseok

J-HOE: wat

yoongles: enjoy your last hours on earth

J-HOE: lmao yall goodbye imma go write my will its been fun

 

J-HOE added TaeTaeflower to WE DEM BOYZ

 

TaeTaeflower: … well shit

 

[Private chat: preciousTae]

 

HungHoseok: I feel like...

HungHoseok: I might have gone a little too far

preciousTae: YOU THINK??

HungHoseok: IT WAS SO MUCH FUN THO LIKE U SHOULDVE SEEN YOONGI HE WAS HAVING A STROKE

preciousTae: …

preciousTae: totally worth it

HungHoseok: totally

HungHoseok: also dont worry the moment yoongi understands what happened we gon have some great yoonmin moments

preciousTae: yea u rite

preciousTae: leave it to me my yoonmin camarade

HungHoseok: to THE BARRICADES!

 

 

 

[Private chat: WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

TaeTaeflower: me rn _へ__(‾◡◝ )>

goldenkook: th e fuck is dat

TaeTaeflower: its me rn _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )>

goldenkook: why

TaeTaeflower: cuz im looking sexy rn

goldenkook: if u look like dat emoticon sexy aint the word id use

TaeTaeflower: RUDE

TaeTaeflower: _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )>

goldenkook:

TaeTaeflower: u know u want a piece of dis _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )>

_へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )> _へ__(‾◡◝ )>

goldenkook: pls stop

                                                         

 

theprincess❀: YALL

theprincess❀: I AM SHJAKING

theprincess❀: NAMJOON

theprincess❀: MY BELOVED HUSBAND

theprincess❀: JUST ADSKED ME IF I WNANTED A FOOT MASSAGE

J-HOE: BOI

destroyermon: U SAID UR FEET HURT I WAS TRYIN T O BE A GOOD BOYFRIEND???

theprincess❀: BE HONEST JOONIE AR E U WIT ME JUST FOR MY FEET

destroyermon: NO

destroyermon: I DONT LIEKD FEETFC

theprincess❀: then WHY DO UY ALWAYS TAKE MY SOCKS OFF BEFORE SEX

destroyermon: /HYUNG/

theprincess❀: WHY JOONIE

destroyermon: SOCKS ARE GROSS

theprincess❀: I want a divorce

destroyermon: I


                                           

 

TaeTaeflower: when ur foot loving husband assks u if u want afoot massage


 

J-HOE:

J-HOE: did u make dat?

TaeTaeflower: yes

J-HOE: why

TaeTaeflower: honeslty i have no idea

 

                                                             

 

goldenkook: but like

goldenkook: are there self incert fanfics?

goldenkook: has tae written fanfics whit him as the main character

TaeTaeflower: no

goldenkook: sounds fake

J-HOE: lmao he hasn't

goldenkook: oh

J-HOE: im teliing yall he's precious and in need of protection

 

 

[Seoksie♔]

 

 

TaeTae: thank u for not exposing my self incert taekook fics

Seoksie♔: dont worry kid i got ur back

Seoksie♔: although tae

TaeTae: what

Seoksie♔: do u really want jungkook to fuck ur throat so deep that u cant speak for the next week?

TaeTae: i aM BlocKING u

 

 

[Private chat: WE DEM BOYZ]

 

TaeTaeflower: err guys

TaeTaeflower: gotta ask a question to yall

theprincess❀: what is it my child

TaeTaeflower: well

TaeTaeflower: can someone please tell me

TaeTaeflower: why I came back to my flat just to find my best friend Jimin CRYING HIS FUCKING EYESS OUT ON THE GODDAMN BATHROOM FLOOR

theprincess❀: …

theprincess❀: ( ◕‿◕✿) who made my child cry

theprincess❀: (ʘ‿ʘ)ノ✿ hold my flower

destroyermon: (✿\(。-_-。) ) dont worry babe i got ur flower

yoongles: who did it

yoongles: who made him cry

yoongles: give me a name Taehyung

yoongles: ill kill them

yoongles: i will burn this godforsaken university to the ground

J-HOE: err

J-HOE: i mean

J-HOE: we know who made him cry dont we????

theprincess❀: * looks at yoongi *

destroyermon: * looks at yoongi *

goldenkook: * looks at yoongi *

J-HOE: * looks at yoongi *

yoongles: ????

TaeTaeflower: YOONGI HYUNG

TaeTaeflower: WHA T IDID U DO

yoongles: NOTHING

yoongles: ID NEVER MAKE HIM CRY

J-HOE: scroll back tae

TaeTaeflower: what

TaeTaeflower: DID U SAY DISGUSTING

TaeTaeflower: TO JIMIN

yoongles: NO???

TaeTaeflower: U DID

TaeTaeflower: U SAID DAT SEX WITH JIMIN IS WORNG AND DISGUSTING

yoongles: I NEVER SAID THAT

yoongles: wait

yoongles: OH FOR FUCK SAKE I DIDNT MEAN THAT

yoongles: HOSEOK WAS READING /YOUR/ NASTY FANFIC AND JIMIN LOOKED UNCOMFORTABLE AF

yoongles: I MEANT DISGUSTING AND WORNG AS IN DONT FUCK ING READ IT WHEN JIMIN IS HERE

TaeTaeflower: WELL JIMIN THINSD U FINDD HIM AND THE SIDEA OF HAVENG SEX WITH HIM DISGUSTIJNG

destroyermon: learn how to type

TaeTaeflower: I AM REAGIBDNG I DDNEON HAVEB RTIME TOC TYPEJM

destroyermon: is dis a new language?

 

[TaeTaeflower changed the group name to I WILL SUE MIN YOONGI]

 

yoongles: jimin is crying bcs of me?

TaeTaeflower: YES

yoongles: im coming

yoongles: im coming over

yoongles: hoseok u better prepare ur fucking coffin

J-HOE: i'll go back to writing my will people its been nice knowing u all

 

 

[sunshine]

 

MinYoongi: Jimin i didnt mean that

MinYoongi: listen im coming over ok?

MinYoongi: I didnt mean anything i said

MinYoongi: Jiminie?

MinYoongi: fuck it ill be there in ten

 

 

 

[TaeTaeflower created the group EVERYONE'S OTP]

 

[TaeTaeflower added J-HOE, theprincess, goldenkook and destroyermon to EVERYONE'S OTP]

 

destroyermon: what is dis

TaeTaeflower: I NEEDED A GROUP WHERE IC AN TELL U WHATS GOINGF ON WITH THE YOONMIN™

TaeTaeflower: cuz yoongi hyung kicked me out the moment he arrived at the flat

goldenkook: then how are u gonna tell us???

TaeTaeflower: i might or might not be spying them throught the toilet window

TaeTaeflower: with my cute pretty eyes

theprincess❀: TELL US EERVRYTHING

TaeTaeflower: so like yoongi hyung showed up fuckgin panting and all sweaty

TaeTaeflower: and first thing he says is “where is he”

TaeTaeflower: and im like IS THIS A KDRAMA

TaeTaeflower: anyway he goes to the bathorrom and he looks at me and goes “go buy youirself an icecream” and he gave me actual money??

J-HOE: oh my god?

TaeTaeflower: and now i'm spying on dem

destroyermon: whats happening what are they doiung

TaeTaeflower: theyre speaking and i cant understand hwat theyr saying but like jimin is still crying and yoongi looks panicked af

TaeTaeflower: hes like trying to touch him but he doesnt'????

J-HOE: hes so weak is2g

TaeTaeflower: HHE DWEHHIOLDKINF JHNIS HANDS

theprincess❀: HWTA ARE U SAYING?!

TaeTaeflower: YALL YOON GI JUST HEJLD JIMINS HAND

J-HOE: ajqNHSDUWEIUBFHIUFHNQOApjsiquw22e23

goldenkook: TAKE A PIC

TaeTaeflower: the fuk do u think i am spiderman? I only have two arms

J-HOE: IS IT BECOMING CANON

TaeTaeflower: idek

TaeTaeflower: JIMIN IS SMILING Yall hes SMILING HIS SUNSHINES SMILE

TaeTaeflower: YOONGI HYUNG IS ABOUT TO FAINT RIGHT THERE AND NOW

destroyermon: aaah young love

TaeTaeflower: yoongis talking and hes looking a to jimin all soft and shit

theprincess❀: ARE THGEY GONNA KISS????

TaeTaeflower: i sure fuckin g ho

destroyermon: ho?

goldenkook: ho?

J-HOE: hoe?

destroyermon: why did u add an e?

TaeTaeflower: MY POSITIOSN HAS BEEN COMPROMISED S

TaeTaeflower: I HAVE BEEN SPOTTED ADN YOONGI DOES NOT LOOK HAPPY

TaeTaeflower: I AM FLEEING

TaeTaeflower: ABORT MISSION ABORT MISSION

J-HOE: will he survive?

goldenkook: wouldnt be so sure about dat

 

 

 

[Private chat I WILL SUE MIN YOONGI]

 

yoongles added sunshinemin to I WILL SUE MIN YOONGI

 

yoongles: everything is fine and dandy

sunshinemin: (*⌒▽⌒*)θ~♪

 

sunshinemin changed the group name to WE DEM BOYZ

 

 

[Private chat CYPHER PT QUEER]

 

J-HOE: DID U KISS

destroyermon: TELL US HYUNG

yoongles: what

yoongles: why tf would we kiss

yoongles: i just explained the misunderstanding

J-HOE:

J-HOE: ND U DIDNT KISS??????

yoongles: of course not

yoongles: why would jimin want to kiss me?

J-HOE: cuz he was sad cuz he thought u didnt wanna have sex with him????????????

destroyermon: like what did u tell him

yoongles: im not going to tell u u fuckers

yoongles: just made him understand that of course i dont think having sex with him would be disgusting

J-HOE: and U STILL DIDNTR KISS

yoongles: Jimin doesnt want me to kiss him hoseok

destroyermon: o h my god

yoongles: hes too good for me why would he want me to kiss him

J-HOE: i cannot believe this is happening

destroyermon: i am surrounded by fucking idiots

 

 

[Private chat Yoonmin is my heartu]

 

 

goldenkook: DID U KISS

TaeTaeflower: DID U

sunshinemin: no?

TaeTaeflower: WHY

sunshinemin: why would he kiss me lmao

goldenkook: I CANNOT BELIEVE MY EYES

TaeTaeflower: U TALKED A LOT WHAT DID HE TELLLL U

sunshinemin: “I don't think that ur disgusting and i dont think sex with you is wrong. Anyone would be lucky to have you”

goldenkook: look at him memorizing the goddamn speech

sunshinemin: i'll take this words to my grave

TaeTaeflower: … and after all dis u didnt kiss???

sunshinemin: of course not

TaeTaeflower: HE ADMITTED HE WANTS TO DO THE DO WITH U

sunshinemin: no he didnt he just said that its not wrong??

goldenkook: i want to end my life

goldenkook: when will the pining end

 

 

[♡Yoongi♡]

Minnie: thank u for today hyung (o^∀^o)

Yoongi♡: u dont have to thank me

Yoongi♡:i meant what i said

Minnie: I know

Minnie: gotta go now but thank u again

Yoongi♡: yeah

Yoongi♡: [message deleted]

Minnie: ??

Yoongi♡: nothing

 

 

 

Chapter Text

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

theprincess❀: it's been two weeks since the foot massage accident

theprincess❀: I still dont feel safe in my own house

destroyermon: can u stop

theprincess❀: can u stop loving feet

destroyermon: can u block a person in real life?

destroyermon: asking for a friend

theprincess❀: is it a divorce u want

theprincess❀: ull never see my feet again if u divorce

destroyermon: I DON RT WANT UR FEET

destroyermon: GET DEM AWAY FROM M E

 

                                              

 

TaeTaeflower: 


 

goldenkook: wh at jsi rhat

TaeTaeflower: me

sunshinemin: i see the resemblance

 

                                                

 

sunshinemin: are u guys coming at the party this weekend??

TaeTaeflower: i cant my chim

sunshinemin: Σ(゜ロ゜;)

sunshinemin: BETRAYAL

TaeTaeflower: I GOTTA WORK ON AN ESSAY MY BRO

sunshinemin: ∑(゚ロ゚〃)

sunshinemin: i am... disgusted

TaeTaeflower: IM SORRY ( ˃̣̣̥ω˂̣̣̥ )

yoongles: these emoticons are getting more and more complicated

sunshinemin: are u coming to the party hyung??

yoongles: do i look like id go to a party?

Sunshinemin: wow ok

TaeTaeflower: damn boy calm down with the sass

TaeTaeflower: do u want Jimin to cry again?

yoongles: im sorry jimin ill never use sass against u again

sunshinemin: its ok

sunshinemin: but like is anyone coming or am i gonna be alone

goldenkook: im coming

sunshinemin: MY BRO

sunshinemin: MY ONLY TRUE BRO

TaeTaeflower: do YOU WanT ME TO CRY

sunshinemin: just two bros at a frat party

sunshinemin: the token straight dude used for comic relief and the wonderful and shining gay main character

goldenkook: i am regretting my life

 

                                          

 

TaeTaeflower:



 

TaeTaeflower: namjoon hyungs favorite restaurant

destroyermon: I AM TIRED OF THIS DISRESPECT

 

                                                

 

 

TaeTaeflower: do clouds have feelings?

J-HOE: it's 4 am go to sleep

TaeTaeflower: how can i sleep if i dont know if they have feeling or not

TaeTaeflower: like are they sad up there

J-HOE:

J-HOE: want me to call u?

TaeTaeflower: pls

 

 

                                                

 

 

goldenkook: guys i gotta ask u a question

goldenkook: and im gonna need u to be totally straight with me

TaeTaeflower: * nervous bisexual laughter™ *

sunshinemin: * flamboyant gay laughter™ *

yoongles: * amused pansexual laughter™ *

J-HOE: * intrigued not so sure about my sexuality yet but def not straight laughter™ *

theprincess❀: * pink gay laughter™ *

destroyermon: * curious bisexual laughter™ *

goldenkook: u know what nevermind

 

 

                                                 

 

 

sunshinemin: i feel like i need to change something

TaeTaeflower: ???

sunshinemin: i dont like how i look lately

yoongles: bullshit

sunshinemin: yall I made a decision

sunshinemin: im gonna dye my hair

J-HOE: i can literally hear Yoongi's heart breaking in the distance

sunshinemin: ???

 

 

 

[Private chat CYPHER PT QUEER]

 

 

yoongles: we must stop him

yoongles: we must do an intervention

destroyermon: let the kid do whatever he wants with his hair

destroyermon: beside u change ur hair color like everyday

yoongles: i am not the most beautiful human being that ha s ever walked the earth namjoon

yoongles: like

yoongles: how am i gonna live when his hair wont be orange anymore

J-HOE: look at me screenshotting the fuck outta this texts so that i can use dem against u one day

yoongles: literally the worst friend ever wow

 

 

[Private chat Yoonmin is my heartu]

 

 

TaeTaeflower: when are u gonna dye it???

sunshinemin: tomorrow

sunshinemin: i found a great salon

goldenkook: u should totally send a selca on the group once u dye it

goldenkook: not for anyona in particular

goldenkook: not for yoongi hyung of course

goldenkook: but for us

sunshinemin: u r as smooth as fucking sandpaper

 

                                            

 

TaeTaeflower: i might have some pics of yoongi hyung

TaeTaeflower: dat a certian someone might ,like

sunshinemin: SEND THEM U OVERUSED PIECE OF SOAP

TaeTaeflower: WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE SUCH TREATMENT

TaeTaeflower: theyr from 1 of the hyungs show

TaeTaeflower: 



TaeTaeflower:



TaeTaeflower:



sunshinemin: I NE ED HIM TO FucKS ME IUJNTIL I CAN T WALK STRIAGHT FOR TWPO MONTHSS

goldenkook: why are u so fucking nasty

sunshinemin: LOOK AT DEM FINGERS

sunshinemin: I KNOW WHAT HE CAN DO WITH THOSE FINGERS

TaeTaeflower: what happend when yoongi finally finds out of how much jimin is actually a slut?

sunshinemin: that can never happen

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

TaeTaeflower: I was thinking

destroyermon: whuch is already a bad start

TaeTaeflower: Jungkookie has the face of a guy that would steal all of the lines if he were in an idol group

goldenkook: ???

sunshinemin: never in my life I read a more true statement

goldenkook: i hate u

 

                                       

 

sunshinemin: yall its happening

sunshinemin: im at the salon

J-HOE: what color u gonna dye ur hair

sunshinemin: its a surprise (((o(*゚▽゚*)o)))

 

 

[Private chat CYPHER PT QUEER]

 

yoongles: today its the end of an era

yoongles: just let me here to die

yoongles: let me mourn in peace

destroyermon: so fucking dramatic is2g

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

sunshinemin: it is done

TaeTaeflower: OMG

goldenkook: SHOW US

 

 

 

[Private chat CYPHER PT QUEER]

 

yoongles: this is it

yoongles: the end of life as I know it

yoongles: jimin's orange hair... gone

yoongles: just like that

yoongles: life is a lie

J-HOE: is2g

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

sunshinemin: 



TaeTaeflower: DAMMMNNNNNN

theprincess❀: LOOK AT MY SON

theprincess❀: ARE U LOOKING AT MY SON

theprincess❀: EMBRACING THE PINK LIFE

theprincess❀: I RAISED U WELL EOMMA IS PROUD AF

goldenkook: i really like it!

J-HOE: DAMN BOI

destroyermon: as a lover of pink

TaeTaeflower: and of feet

destroyermon: i totally love iI AM TIREDS OF THRJED FEET ISSUE

yoongles: i

J-HOE: looks good Jimin

sunshinemin: thanks o(≧∇≦o) I really like it

sunshinemin: yoongi hyung do u like it?

goldenkook: *looks at Yoongi *

J-HOE: * looks at Yoongi *

yoongles: you

yoongles: you did good.

J-HOE: I CVANT BREATH

sunshinemin: thanks?

sunshinemin: i guess

 

 

 

[Private chat Yoonmin is my heartu]

 

sunshinemin: HE DOENST LIKE MYBHAIR

sunshinemin: ( ´༎ຶㅂ༎ຶ`)

sunshinemin: IM GOFING TO END MSUY LIFE

goldenkook: LMAO

sunshinemin: what the fuck are u laughin at u goddamn piece of lettuce

goldenkook: wow your grammars suddenly came back

TaeTaeflower: lmao trust me chim

TaeTaeflower: hyung likes ur hair

sunshinemin: NO H E DOESNT

TaeTaeflower: nonono

TaeTaeflower: he REALLY does

goldenkook: oh boi hes probably dying rn

 

 

[Private chat CYPHER PT QUEER]

 

J-HOE: LMAO DID USEE DAT

destroyermon: I SURE DID

J-HOE: he DID A GODDAMN MULAN

J-HOE: LIKE SHANG KISS YOONGI ASS LMAO

destroyermon: Jimin: hyunnnggg how do i look (✿ ♥‿♥) tell me i look pretty hyunggg

destroyermon: Yoongi: you... you fight good

J-HOE: that was beautfiful

yoongles: i

J-HOE: here he goes

yoongles: what even is orange

yoongles: like

yoongles: what kind of weak ass color is orange?

yoongles: who need orange

yoongles: not me thats 4 sure

J-HOE: LOOK AT THIS FAKE WHORE

yoongles: pink is the new orange

yoongles: we have been blessed

yoongles: we do not deserve the air we breathe

yoongles: i dont deserve park jimin and his beautiful pink hair

destroyermon: what do u thinks gonna happen once jimin finds out that hyung is just a huge marshmallow

yoongles: he can never know

 

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

theprincess❀: how's the party kids?

goldenkook: fuckn wild tbh

sunshinemin: tru

theprincess❀: have fun children

theprincess❀: and always practice safe sex ( ̄ω ̄)

yoongles: DO NOT practice any kind of sex

goldenkook: the fuck

yoongles: i wasnt talking to u u go get fucked whatever

yoongles: shove a whole bottle of jack daniels up ur ass for all i care

theprincess❀: wow

 

 

[Private chat CYPHER PT QUEER]

 

J-HOE: yall

J-HOE: YALL

J-HOE:



 

destroyermon: oh shit lmao

J-HOE: WHERE YOONGI HYUNG AT

J-HOE: @yoongles

yoongles: what the

yoongles: who is this person?

yoongles: and why does he want death?

destroyermon: HERE HE GOES

yoongles: minminj

yoongles: ill find him is he at the party?

yoongles: ill make him wish he was never born

J-HOE: first of all his name's minjae

J-HOE: secondly hyung wtf do u expect

J-HOE: u dont make any moves on Jimin of course peopl will go to him

J-HOE: i dont wanna sound mean or anything but sooner or later someone will take him away from you

J-HOE: jimin is patient but hes only human

yoongles: i know

yoongles: but this time

yoongles: can u tell minjae to go fuck a cactus just this once

J-HOE: the things u do for friends

J-HOE:



 

J-HOE: there u go

J-HOE: man u gotta thank whatever weird god that ppl think ur scary and shit

yoongles: hoseok

J-HOE: yeayea you're welcome

yoongles: did you tell a complete stranger I'm in love with Jimin?

J-HOE: ill go grab my passport and emigrate its been a wild ride yall

 

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

sunshinemin: YOO O OO DIO O

sunshinemin: WH EHRE ISS EJUNGFKOOKD

theprincess❀: oh dear

destroyermon: someones drunk

TaeTaeflower: lmao jimins a lightweight

sunshinemin: JUNGFKOOODK WHER ED AREBDIBY OU

TaeTaeflower: i think hes looking for jungkook

theprincess❀: did they get separated???

sunshinemin: YOONNGI HYUUUNGGNNNG

J-HOE: oh here we go

TaeTaeflower: IM GONNA SIT DOWN FOR THIS

sunshinemin: YOOOONGNNGIIII

yoongles: … what?

sunshinemin: WHY D DONTR UIEOU LIKE MYH HAEJIR

destroyermon: what is he even saying

sunshinemin: MYYSHAIR

sunshinemin: YOIDU DONNTR LIKE ITTTTTTTTTTT

sunshinemin: HWYYYY

yoongles: taehyung translate

TaeTaeflower: jimin asks why u dont like his new hair

yoongles: i

sunshinemin: ISM SO DSSAD

sunshinemin: IMN CRUEYUNG

TaeTaeflower: hes crying yoongi hyung

TaeTaeflower: u made him cry again

J-HOE: im telling u yoongi hyung is panicking right here

sunshinemin: DDONT U THFDHINK MY HAIRDS PRETTYYY???????????

sunshinemin: U DROTN LIKE ME

TaeTaeflower: he's saying u dont like him yoongi hyung

TaeTaeflower: dont u think his hair is pretty??

yoongles: I never said that

sunshinemin: U DOTN LIEKKE IT

sunshinemin: (˃̩̩̥ɷ˂̩̩̥)

destroyermon: he cant spell for shit but he can use those damn emoticons just fine

destroyermon: what is this kid

yoongles: i dont dislike ur hair jimin

J-HOE: oh for fuck sake just say u love it

J-HOE: be honest for once lmao

sunshinemin: hyuuunnggg

sunshinemin: yoongiiiiig

sunshinemin: OPPPAAAAAAAAA

destroyermon: 2ueh3wdqfu032r2q

theprincess❀: OH MY GOD

sunshinemin: YOON GI OPPAAAA

J-HOE: YALL

J-HOE: CALL 911

J-HOE: THIS AINT A DRILL YOONGI HYUNG JUST FUCKING FAINTED

TaeTaeflower: LMAO

J-HOE: IM NOT FUCKING AEROUND HE LEGIT FAINTED IM STARIN AT HIS CORPSE

TaeTaeflower: JIMIN JUST KILLED YOONGI-HYUNG

sunshinemin: WHYDOESN T HOPPA LIDKE MY AHIER

J-HOE: its alright he woke up hold ur horses hes dizzy af but hes alive

theprincess❀: oh thanks god

yoongles: jimin i like ur hair but now stopp pls

sunshinemin: udbeDONT MEANSDIT

TaeTaeflower: he thinks u dont mean it

yoongles: yes thank u taehyung i can read

sunshinemin: audio.mp4

theprincess❀: ???

destroyermon: oh MY GOD HE DID NOT

TaeTaeflower: DID HE JUST RECORD HIMSELF SAYING YOONGI OPPA????

J-HOE: ACTUALLY CALL 911 FOR REAL

J-HOE: HE FAINTED AGAIN

J-HOE: I CAN SEE HIS SPIRIT LEAVING HIS GODDAMN BODY

destroyermon: this might be the besst day od my life

J-HOE: YALL HES NOT WAKING UP

TaeTaeflower: the day yoongi hyung was murdered by a single audio

TaeTaeflower: what an evening

theprincess❀: me and joonie are gonna go take Jimin home

theprincess❀: tell that to yoongi when he comes back from the other side

J-HOE: I DONT THINK HE WILL TBH

TaeTaeflower: hyung if u find kook bring him home as well

destroyermon: we will

 

                                       

 

 

theprincess❀: everyone's home and safe

theprincess: drunk but safe

theprincess: how is yoongi

J-HOE: he woke up like an hour ago and hes been staring at the wall eversince

destroyermon: so hes okay perfect

 

 

 

[TaeTae]

 

jeonjj: TAEHYNUG

TaeTae: fucking hell kook its 2 in the morning og to sleep

jeonjj: taheyunggg

jeonjj: i gotta teeelll u smth

TaeTae: tell me tomorrow im sleepy af

jeonjj: urs such asf goof perdon

TaeTae: lol thanks

jeonjj: and ur hairs likeee superr soft???'

TaeTae: thanks agin now go to sleep

jeonjj: andn like

jeonjj: ur lsike super prettyy

TaeTae: kook pls go tosleep

jeonjj: sooo pretty

jeonjj: a guy shodnlt be soo preptyy

TaeTae: yah i know im a fucking vision

jeonjj: yiur so beautifukl

TaeTae: kook

TaeTae: ur drunk

jeonjj: i am+

TaeTae: yeah u dont mean it so go to sleep please

jeonjj: NONO I MEANS IT

jeonjj: TAE IS+PRETTTYY ANND BEAUTIFUKLD

TaeTae: stop

jeonjj: ilove uso much tae

TaeTae: yea i love u too u fuck boy lmao

jeonjj: i lpve u ttoo muc h maybe

jeonjj: i shoulldnt love u like dis

TaeTae: [message deleted]

TaeTae: go to sleep jungkook

 

 

 

[sunshine]

 

 

MinYoongi: so i dont know when ull read these texts cuz ur probably half dead and hangover

MinYoongi: so drink a lot of water when u wake up

MinYoongi: and ask tae to buy you some ibropufen

MinYoongi: and rest and dont drink so fucking much if u cant hold it

MinYoongi: so yeah thats it


                                           

 

MinYoongi: for fuck sake okay

MinYoongi: i like ur hair

MinYoongi: it suits you

MinYoongi: any color would suit u so yeah

MinYoongi: dnt worry about it

MinYoongi: i like it

 

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

sunshinemin: oh

sunshinemin: oh no

sunshinemin: someone

sunshinemin: anyone

sunshinemin: come to the flat and cut my head off i dont wanna live anymore

 

                                               

 

J-HOE: yall Taehyung called it

J-HOE: he knew about the oppa kink

J-HOE: what a genius

 

 

 

[TaeTae]

 

jeonjj:

jeonjj: shit

jeonjj: sorry tae im so sorry i didnt mean it

jeonjj: i was rll drunk

jeonjj: tae?

TaeTae: lmao kook its okay

TaeTae: u were wasted dont worry

jeonjj: ok

jeonjj: sorry tho

TaeTae: lol

TaeTae: u feel like playing some mario kart later

jeonjj: sure, come by when u feel like it

TaeTae: ill bring pizza

 

 

[MY CHIMCHIM]

 

 

Tae: Jimin

MY CHIMCHIM: wat

Tae: can u come to my room

Tae: and maybe cuddle a bit

MY CHIMCHIM: sure give me a moment im making tea

MY CHIMCHIM: wait tae r u crying

MY CHIMCHIM: im coming and im bringing chocolate ok?

Tae: please

 

 

Chapter Text

theprincess❀: hey

theprincess❀: kids and husband

destroyermon: i am literally sat next to you??

theprincess❀: people

theprincess❀: who wants to hear a joke?

goldenkook: literally no one

sunshinemin: no one

yoongles: spare us

J-HOE: its such a good day why would u do this to us

 

TaeTaeflower left WE DEM BOYZ

 

destroyermon added TaeTaeflower to WE DEM BOYZ

 

destroyermon: are u disrespecting my spouse????

sunshinemin: no, we're respecting our lifes

TaeTaeflower: pls let me leave this group just for the joke

theprincess❀: u all wanna hear it

theprincess❀: here comes

TaeTaeflower: dat boi

J-HOE:



 

theprincess❀: what do you give a cannibal who's late for dinner?

theprincess❀: a cold shoulder

 

sunshinemin, J-HOE, yoongles, TaeTaeflower and goldenkook left WE DEM BOYZ

 

theprincess❀: I CANNOT BELIEVE THE LEVEL OF DISRESPECT THIS FAMILY HAS

destroyermon: I loved ur joke hyung

theprincess❀: i know u did thats why we're together

theprincess❀: definitely not bcs of ur foot fetish

 

destroyermon left WE DEM BOYZ

 

                                                    

 

 

theprincessadded destroyermon, J-HOE, sunshinemin, yoongles, TaeTaeflower and goldenkook to WE DEM BOYZ

 

 

 

[Private chat CYPHER PT QUEER]

 

yoongles: i had the best dream

yoongles: i dreamed jimins hands

yoongles: just his hands

yoongles: it was beautiful

J-HOE: u know where those hands would look good?

destroyermon: wrapped around something?

J-HOE: yes

yoongles: wrapped AROUND THE BIBLE PRAISE THE LORD ALLELUHIA U FICKING NASTIES

 

 

[Private chat Yoonmin is my heartu]

 

sunshinemin: yall i had the best dream

sunshinemin: I dreamed of Yoongi's hands

sunshinemin: TOUCHING ME EVERYWHERE WHILST I WAS GETTING FUCKED AGAINST A WALL

sunshinemin: BEST DREAM 10/10 WOULD RECOMMEND

goldenkook: /SHOOK/

TaeTaeflower: so fuckin nasty this boi I swear

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

theprincess❀: <( ̄︶ ̄)>

destroyermon: i dont trust that emoticon

theprincess❀: ive been feeling nostalgic lately

theprincess❀: remember when the chat was first created

theprincess❀: and it was only joonie, yoongi and hoeseok?

J-HOE: was dat a typo?

theprincess❀: no

TaeTaeflower: savage

destroyermon: i remember

yoongles: no shit joons, u were in it

destroyermon: i have a feeling that my authority lately has been going down

destroyermon: as ur father i am hurt

yoongles: the sole idea of thinking of u as my father shortens my lifespan of 25 years

TaeTaeflower: SAVAGE

theprincess❀: guys

theprincess❀: i was talking. :)

sunshinemin: why are u so scary hyung

theprincess❀: anyways

theprincess❀: we all kniow the story, at first it was the three of u then i came along then Jimin and Tae and finally kookie

theprincess❀: but i've always wondered something

theprincess❀: whats the origing of the nicknames we have

TaeTaeflower: im actually curious as well

sunshinemin: im not.

yoongles: me neither.

goldenkook: am i the only one who finds those well placed dots kinda shady??

sunshinemin: stfu u extra portion of mayonnaise

theprincess❀: i remember yoongi's nickname was different back then

destroyermon: yea it was suga

destroyermon: mine was rapmon

J-HOE: yea we had our stage names

TaeTaeflower: is this the origin™ episode????

theprincess❀: it is

theprincess❀: yall explain the origins™ of ur nicknames on this chat

J-HOE: I mean

J-HOE: do i really have to explain

TaeTaeflower: lmao no we all know u is a huge slut

J-HOE: errr

J-HOE: i think u meant a PROUD huge slut

TaeTaeflower: sorry about dat u rite

TaeTaeflower: namjoon hyung why did u change urs?

destroyermon: aaaah it is a long story my child

destroyermon: gather round children

destroyermon: when i met ur mother i was so lovestruck, blinded by his beauty, blessed by his shoulders

TaeTaeflower: and his feet

destroyermon: that i ran into a fucking garbage can, knocked it over, fell on it and destroyed it I AM FUCKSN TIREDS WITH THE FEET ITS GETT TING OLD REAL QUICK

goldenkook: … so thats it?

TaeTaeflower: kinda anticlimatic

goldenkook: u said long story it was as short as jimin

sunshinemin: go fuck a rifle u overestimated coconut

goldenkook: is it just me or UR LIKE REALLY RUDE TO ME LATELY???

sunshinemin: thats bcs i am

TaeTaeflower: chim nows not the time :)

theprincess❀: then they say im shady

theprincess❀: what about u kookie why golden?

goldenkook: dont know they used to call me golden maknae at my old dance crew back in busan

goldenkook: i guess it stuck

TaeTaeflower: mine its bcs im pretty as a flower ೭੧(❛▿❛✿)੭೨

J-HOE: he is

destroyermon: totally

theprincess❀: my son is so the prettiest flower

sunshinemin: sooo pretty

sunshinemin: and his hair is like suuuuper soft

TaeTaeflower: /chim/ :)

goldenkook:

theprincess❀: well we all know why i picked this name

goldenkook: no we dont

TaeTaeflower: yea we dont

sunshinemin: why would u call urself like that

theprincess❀: because, you annoying assholes, I AM LITERALLY A PRINCESS WOW I CANNOT BELIEVE THE AMOUNT OF BLATANT PETTINESS THIS KIDS ARE SHOWING TO THEIR MOTHER???

J-HOE: sounds fake but ok

destroyermon: err excuse me he is

theprincess❀: thank u babe

theprincess❀: jimin, yoongi, why did u pick those names?

sunshinemin: would u look at the time

sunshinemin: got a class

theprincess❀: … its sunday

yoongles: its gotten pretty late

yoongles: gotta do grocery shopping

J-HOE: our fridge is full??

yoongles: u never know when a zombie apocalypse can kick in hoseok u gotta be ready for everything

sunshinemin: sunday classes are a new trend hyung u wouldnt know cuz ur old

theprincess❀: I

destroyermon: wow

sunshinemin: c u later people

yoongles: damn those groceries are gonna be heavy better get started

TaeTaeflower:

TaeTaeflower: the fuck

 

 

[Private chat EVERYONE'S OTP]

 

goldenkook: so

goldenkook: that was shady af

theprincess❀: what are they hiding

J-HOE: we gotta look into it

J-HOE: I, the great jung hoseok, will start further investigations

destroyermon: ill help

destroyermon: tae, kook, see id u can get anything out of jimin

TaeTaeflower: aye aye captain

 

 

 

[TaeTae]

 

jeonjj: yo

jeonjj: ur coming over tonight yea? So that i can beat ur ass at mortal kombat

jeonjj: tae?

TaeTae: hey

TaeTae: sorry i cant today something came up (。•́︿•̀。)

jeonjj: oh

TaeTae: next sunday ill make it up to u lol ill bring pizza

jeonjj: its ok

jeonjj: guess ill see u tomorrow

TaeTae: sure! Catch ya later

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

TaeTaeflower: damnnnnnn

J-HOE: ???

TaeTaeflower: im looking at the mirror

goldenkook: wow

TaeTaeflower: im just saying

TaeTaeflower: ive got really good legs

goldenkook: ?????

TaeTaeflower: my legs r so fckn beautiful

TaeTaeflower: they on fleek

TaeTaeflower: imma put them to good use

goldenkook: good use

TaeTaeflower: as in wrapped around someones waist

theprincess❀: BOI


                                                   

 

 

destroyermon: WHICH ONE O F U FUCKERSS PUTR PICS OF FEEET IN FROTN OF MY FUCKINS FLAT

theprincess❀: thought id surprise u

destroyermon: HYUNG

theprincess❀: happy anniversary

destroyermon: IT S NOTR OUR ANNIVERSARY

 

                                              


J-HOE: 



 

goldenkook: i

J-HOE: who hurt u kookie?

 

                                       

 

theprincess❀: does kookie still sleep with taehyung at the most ungodly moments?

J-HOE: lmao

goldenkook: i never do????

goldenkook: wtf

sunshinemin: oh u did not just say that

sunshinemin:





 

yoongles: hes pulling out the receipts

sunshinemin: dont fuck with me jeon jungkook i got even more of these

goldenkook: WHY DO U HAVE THEM??

goldenkook: also wtf why are us fucking nasty with me these days

sunshinemin: dont know what ur talking about

 

 

[Jimothy]

 

jeonjj: alright, tell me what the hell i did to make u so fucking petty

Jimothy: u didnt do anything to me

jeonjj: then wtf

Jimothy: seriously?

Jimothy: wow

Jimothy: they should call u the golden clueless piece of shit

jeonjj: fuck you hyung

jeonjj: just tell me what the hell it is that got u in such a fucking mood

Jimothy: okay

Jimothy: [friday, 2;21 am]and ur hairs likeee superr soft???

Jimothy: [friday, 2:21 am]'andn likeur lsike super prettyy

Jimothy: [friday, 2:23 am]sooo pretty a guy shodnlt be soo preptyy

goldenkook: stop

Jimothy: [friday, 2:24 am] yiur so beautifukl

Jimothy: [friday, 2:27 am]ilove uso much tae

goldenkook: i get it jimin now stop

Jimothy: [friday 2:28 am] i lpve u ttoo muc h maybe

goldenkook: fucking hell jimin i got it i fucked up

Jimothy: [friday 2:30 am] i shoulldnt love u like dis

Jimothy: let me tell u kook

Jimothy: i understand everything, i get it

Jimothy: i understand where ur coming from cuz ive been through it, people can be pieces of shit and being called a fag when ur twelve fucking stings

Jimothy: but u dont get to do this to him

goldenkook: i was drunk

Jimothy: not a good fucking excuse

goldenkook: im not gay

Jimothy: i know u arent

Jimothy: yoongi hyung isnt either

Jimothy: namjoon isnt

Jimothy: and i dont give a shit whether ur straight or not but the next time i have to cuddle a crying taehyung i swear to god ill beat the shit out of u

goldenkook: wait what

goldenkook: why was he crying

Jimothy: take a wild fucking guess

Jimothy: kookie i love u okay, i do

Jimothy: but tae comes first

Jimothy: so figure it out

 

 

 

[Private chat CYPHER PT QUEER]

 

J-HOE: hyunnnng

J-HOE: yoongi hyunnnnngg

J-HOE: i see u reading the messages u asshole

J-HOE: oppaaaa

yoongles: I WILL KILL U IN UR SLEEP

J-HOE: why did u change ur nickname

destroyermon: yea like

destroyermon: yoongles doesnt exactly suit u

yoongles: felt like it

destroyermon: id believe u

destroyermon: but i dont

yoongles: not gonna tell u

destroyermon: WHY

destroyermon: I AM OFFENDED

destroyermon: DONT U TRUST US

yoongles: of course i dont

J-HOE: IM CRYING???

J-HOE: like we wont tell anybody

J-HOE: its not like we have another chat where we talk about you and jimin

yoongles: wow dat WAS VERY PRECISE??

yoongles: why am i friends with u

destroyermon: cuz no one else would

yoongles:

yoongles: i cant even disagree thats true

 

 

 

[Hobi]

 

 

Hobi: TELL ME

Hobi: NOW

Hobi: WHY YOONGLES

MinYoongi: goddamn ur insistent

Hobi: I AM

Hobi: I WILL SPAM U UNTIL U TELL ME

Hobi: or even better

Hobi: I can send Jimin that audio I took of you when u were drunk and said, and I quote “he's soft. Soft angel. Precious angel. Hes so soft. Except for his ass, dats firm as fuck but like his heart is soft im so in love”

MinYoongi: what do you wanna know ill tell u ever ything

Hobi: why did u change ur nickname from suga to yoongles like where does it come from

MinYoongi:

MinYoongi: fucksake ok

MinYoongi: remember last year that party at Jackson's place?

Hobi: the only party u've ever went to yea

MinYoongi: jimin was there

MinYoongi: and he was pretty drunk

MinYoongi: and he was poledancing

Hobi: I REMEMBER YES GO ON

Hobi: i think i still have a video of dat moment

MinYoongi: send it to me later

Hobi: wow

MinYoongi: anyway i went and stopped him yea cuz like hes precious and needs to be protected also bambam was getting a little too excited

MinYoongi: so i grab him, drag him off the pole, he looks at me

MinYoongi: and he smiles and hes so drunk but he smiles and goes “it's yoongles hyung”

Hobi: oh my god?

MinYoongi: “Yoongles is so cute”

MinYoongi: then he fell asleep on de couch

Hobi: u...

Hobi: u called urself yoongles

Hobi: bcs jimin called u yoongles once

MinYoongi: yes

Hobi: LMFAO

Hobi: THIS IS GOL D

MinYoongi: if u tell someone I will personally shave your head when u sleep

Hobi: well shit

 

 

[Private chat Yoonmin is my heart]

 

TaeTaeflower: is it cuz of ur sunshine smile?

sunshinemin: wat

TaeTaeflower: the reason u called urself sunshinemin

sunshinemin: no its not bcs of dat

goldenkook: then why?

TaeTaeflower: the people want to know

sunshinemin: people??

TaeTaeflower: i mean me and kookie

goldenkook: no 1 else

sunshinemin:

sunshinemin: its embarassing

TaeTaeflower: ive seen u poledancing at jacksons party ive seen u embarass urself

sunshinemin: EXCUSE U BITCH I LOOKED LIKE A VISION

sunshinemin: okay here it goes

sunshinemin: so like one day hoseok hyung invited me over for breakfast

sunshinemin: and i went cuz yoongi was gonna be there not because of hoseok tbh

goldenkook: savage

sunshinemin: so i go there and hoseok says yo go and wake yoongi up and im like bitch u dont have to tell me twice gotta go fast

sunshinemin: not gonna lie i took like 16 pics of his sleeping face

goldenkook: creepy af

TaeTaeflower: ikr who would take pictures of the guy they like whilst they sleep ahahahah not me thats 4 sure

goldenkook: bruh

sunshinemin: and i try to wake him up like i shake him a little and all that

sunshinemin: and he goes “hoseok go fuck urself with a haircomb” so i say “hyung its me”

sunshinemin: … god this is so embarassing

sunshinemin: he opens his eyes, his pretty perfect eyes and he goes “what r u doing here sunshine”

sunshinemin: so here u go

goldenkook:

TaeTaeflower: I

TaeTaeflower: im crying tears of joy

TaeTaeflower: the best ship

TaeTaeflower: the real OTP

sunshinemin: shut up

sunshinemin: and DONT TELL ANYHONE

goldenkook: of course

TaeTaeflower: dont worry ur secrets safe with us

 

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

TaeTaeflower: YALL I FOUND OUT

TaeTaeflower: … wait sorry wrong chat

sunshinemin: taeHYIUNG

 

 

[Private chat EVERYONE'S OTP]

 

TaeTaeflower: that was a close call

TaeTaeflower: YALL I FOUND OOUT

TaeTaeflower: U WONT BELIEVE THE AMOUNT OF FLUFF

J-HOE: BITCH GET IN LINE U WONT BELIEVE THE CLICHED FANFICTION TROPE

theprincess❀: SPILLT HE TEA

 

 

[TaeTae]

 

jeonjj: taehyung can i ask u something

TaeTae: sure my bro

jeonjj: we're okay right?

TaeTae: what do u mean

jeonjj: like, we're good

TaeTae: lmao why shouldnt we be

jeonjj: u sure

jeonjj: ud tell me right if i do something thats shitty

jeonjj: you'd tell me, right?

TaeTae: yeah, of course I would!

jeonjj: ok

TaeTae: ill c u tomorrow for coffee

jeonjj: yea

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Text

[Husby]

 

PinkJin: so I was thinking

Husby: wat

PinkJin: christmas is coming up

PinkJin: we should go somewhere together

Husby: uuuh yess that sounds fun

Husby: when i get home we should pick a place

PinkJin: i already have somehwere in mind

Husby: nice where

PinkJin: at my parent's house (´꒳`)

Husby: no.

PinkJin: they really wanna meet you again

Husby: no.

PinkJin: (✿´ ꒳ ` )

Husby: just bcs u added a flower im not gonna change my mind

PinkJin: they miss u tho

Husby: YLAST TIME WE WWENT UR FATHER TOLD ME THAT IF I GET U PREGNANT HELL CHOP MY COCK OFF

PinkJin: hes just protective

Husby: YOU ARE A MAN

Husby: I CANT PHISYCALLY MAKE U PREGNANTE???

PinkJin: but love, pls

Husby: dont u dare pull the love card

PinkJin: my looooove

Husby: is2g seokjin

PinkJin:

PinkJin: did u just fucking use my full name?

Husby: so when are we going to your parent's house? I cant wait wow

 

 

 

[Spouse]

 

Namjj: Jin?

Spouse: hey

Namjj: are u still at work?

Spouse: yep, coffee shop is packed today

Spouse: jimin's here, studying

Spouse: oh shit i see yoongi

Namjj: boiiiiiiii

Spouse: lmao yoongi saw jimin and he froze

Spouse: i dont think hes breathing

Spouse: oh no wait hes making an approach

Spouse: nevermind he went back

Namjj: that man I swear

Spouse: hes going for it

Spouse: LMAO

Spouse: THEYRE LIKE A TABLE AWAY AND I CAN HEAR THEM AND YOONGI WENT “what are you doing coffee”

Namjj: OH MY GOF

Spouse: jimin looks confused af

Spouse: “I mean do you want a coffee”

Spouse: yoongi looks like hes about to have a breakdown

Spouse: Jimin goes “i already had one” and yoongi looks like hes about to cry

Spouse: JIMIN MUST HAVE SENSED THAT CUZ HE WENT “but im kinda hungry”

Spouse: look at my boi, saving the day

Spouse: … joons

Namjj: ahahah what

Spouse: yoongi just bought a slice of every cake we sell

Namjj: I CANNOT BREATH

Spouse: jimin is like staring at these cakes like de fuck am i supposed to do with these

Spouse: “these are too many hyung” yoongi is deadass about to cry

Spouse: JIMIN OMFG HE PANICKED AND STARTED EATING SO FAST AND HE WENT “i'll eat them all i swear wow im so hungry”

Namjj: i love our kids

 

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

J-HOE: @TaeTaeflower

TaeTaeflower: wat

J-HOE: like

J-HOE: was it u i saw tonight at like 3 am sneaking out Minjae's flat?

TaeTaeflower: ( ̄ω ̄)

J-HOE: uve been slutting?

TaeTaeflower: mayyyyybe ೕ(˃̵ᴗ˂̵ ๑)

J-HOE: ayyyyyy

theprincess❀: DID U PRACTICE SAFE SEX

TaeTaeflower: we didnt practice any kind of real sex lmao

TaeTaeflower: we didnt fuck mommy dont worry

TaeTaeflower: maybe next time

TaeTaeflower: actually hopefully next time

theprincess❀: im buying u some condoms

TaeTaeflower: I HAVE TH EM

 

 

 

[Husby]

 

PinkJin: is it just me or kookie has been really quiet in the chat lately

Husby: yeah i noticed too

Husby: kids probably busy

Husby: exams n stuff

PinkJin: yea but like

PinkJin: remember when we went to get minnie and kook at the party n they were wasted

Husby: yea

PinkJin: when I was dragging Jungkook at his flat he said smth

PinkJin: and I shouldnt tell anyone but youre you so

PinkJin: he started praising tae in basically everything he does. He went “he's so nice with everyone, always smiling and he has the prettiest smile” and “hes such a good actor too i cant wait till he gets famous so everyone can see how good he is and he has the best voice he could be a singer too hes so amazing”

Husby: ahahahah oh god

PinkJin: yeah i was laughing too at that time

PinkJin: except that then he said “should i say that i think his lips are really soft too?”

Husby: wait what

PinkJin: joonie i think he kind of has a crush??

PinkJin: maybe even more

Husby: u kidding me right

Husby: he does nothing but reminding us of how straight he is

PinkJin: yeah u did it too??? Before u met me that is

Husby: i did NOT

PinkJin: …

PinkJin: dim the lights down

Husby: snwdhefbewf

PinkJin: imma beat that pussy like u never ever felt before

Husby: OK AY I GOT IT STOPP

 

 

 

[Spouse]

 

Spouse: oh God joonie

Namjj: wat??

Spouse: im old

Namjj: the fuck

Spouse: im so old

Namjj: your 24??

Spouse: so old

Spouse: i'll become ugly and you'll find someone younger than me and more beautiful and you'll leave me

Namjj: i

Namjj: hyung like dats literally impossible where are these people more beautiful than you can't relate, never seen one in my entire life?? The fuck

Namjj: did the mirrors in our flat turn into wood when I left for class this morning??

Spouse: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IM GONNA CRY

Spouse: WAIT I GOTTA DO SOMETHING TO THANK YOU

Namjj: u dont need to

Spouse: let me get a picture of my feet ill send it to u

Namjj: I AM LITERALLY GOIN G TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR PERFECT ASS THE MOMENT I GET HOME

 

 

 

[Private chat Yoonmin is my heart]

 

sunshinemin: so like

sunshinemin: i took a nap this afternoon yea?

sunshinemin: and i managed to dream a very detailed session of rimming with yoongi hyung

TaeTaeflower: is dat WHY THOSE SOUNDS CAME FROM UR ROOM I WANT TO MOVE OUT IMMEDIATELY

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

J-HOE:


 

J-HOE: jungkook what did u see

goldenkook: i

TaeTaeflower:



 

TaeTaeflower: jungkook and the squad going out for some cheeky nandos

goldenkook: why am I being attacked?

 

                                                 

 

 

J-HOE: 



 

J-HOE: @yoongles saw this and it reminded me of u

yoongles: … is dat a wilted flower

J-HOE: yea

J-HOE: dead inside and unmoving

J-HOE: just like u

TaeTaeflower: 911? yes, id like to REPORT A MURDER

 

 

 

[Private chat Yoonmin is my heart]

 

sunshinemin: I M CRYINF

TaeTaeflower: ???

goldenkook: what happened??

sunshinemin: yoon gi hyujnf

TaeTaeflower: wat did he do????

sunshinemin: he was sittting downn on a bench

sunshinemin: and he fucking yawned

sunshinemin: he looked so beautifulll???

sunshinemin: I START ED CRYING

TaeTaeflower: the fuck

sunshinemin: HE YAWNED AGAIN HE DID IT AGAIN

goldenkook: THE ABSOLUTE MADMAN

TaeTaeflower: lmao
 

 

[Private chat CYPHER PT QUEER]

 

 

yoongles:



 

yoongles: i saw a man so beautiful i started crying.jpeg

J-HOE: did u

J-HOE: did u take this pic in secret like u saw him at the café and u snapped a candid pic?

yoongles: yes

destroyermon: shameless

yoongles: are u not crying??

J-HOE: yes

J-HOE: for you hyung

destroyermon: someone get some ice for yoongi hyung that burn must sting

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

sunshinemin: but like

sunshinemin: when namjoon hyung and jin hyung will actually get married forreal

sunshinemin: who will be the bridesmaids and who the best men?

destroyermon: imma have my crew as my best men

yoongles: who says i wanna be ur best man

destroyermon: u will or ill disclose that folder on your laptop

destroyermon: u know the 1

destroyermon: J---n smiling

yoongles: ill be the best bestman u could ever wish for

theprincess❀: of course my kids will be the bridesmaids

TaeTaeflower: YES

theprincess❀: im thinking baby blue for jimin

theprincess❀: either white or antique pink for tae, with flowers in ur hair as well

TaeTaeflower: ILL BE THE PRETTIEST BRIDESMAID

goldenkook: lol

theprincess❀: jungkook in white, something really soft

goldenkook: nice

goldenkook: WAIT WEHY AM I BRIDESMAD AS WELL

theprincess❀: you ll be the prettiest bridesmaids kids

goldenkook: I DONT WANT TO

 

 

 

[Private chat Yoonmin is my heartu]

 

sunshinemin: who the fuck is J---n and why does yoongi hyung have a folder for them

sunshinemin: which bitch do i have to cut?

TaeTaeflower: like are u for real?

TaeTaeflower: i reached a point where i dont even know if ur this fucking clueless??

sunshinemin: I WILL FIND THIS J---N AND I WILL MAKE THE STOP SMILING THEN WE'LL SEE HOW YOONGI MAKES FOLDERS FOR THEM

goldenkook: i feel like crying i am so done

 

 

 

[Husby]

 

PinkJin: Joonie.

Husby: ??

PinkJin: where are you

Husby: at the studio

Husby: why?

PinkJin: you're late.

PinkJin: and usually i wouldnt care but i gotta. U see, i thought i'd surprise u

PinkJin: and i might be laying naked on the table covered in sushi

Husby: snwdjend2736hqUISHYD

PinkJin: and some wasabi got on my nipple and let me tell u it burns like a bitch

Husby: HWY

Husby: WHYH ARE U CO VERED IN SJHUSHI

PinkJin: I call it

PinkJin: Eat Jin

Husby: i'll be there in 5 dont move I'LL EAT JIN

 

Chapter Text

[Taehyungie]

 

TheChim: Tae what do u want for dinner

TheChim: yo

TheChim: answer me u ungracious piece of burnt potato

TheChim: ???

TheChim: are u asleep in ur room ur always sleeping is2g

TheChim: ok ur not in ur room and ur not answering my calls where the fuck r u

TheChim: do i need to send the swat team?

TheChim: IS DIS THE BEGINNING OF LIKE A REALLY BAD HORROR MOVIE

Taehyungie: heyy

Taehyungie: sorry my bro not coming back for dinner

Taehyungie: not so sure ill be back at all tonight??

TheChim: shit tae i got worried

TheChim: u ok?

Taehyungie: yea yea just my hands were kinda busy

TheChim: lmao with wat

Taehyungie: with dick

TheChim: BOI

Taehyungie: ー( ̄~ ̄)ξ

TheChim: have fun

TheChim: and tell me if minjae's dick game is as good as his face

Taehyunghie: I will my bro

 

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

TaeTaeflower: is anyone awake???

TaeTaeflower: CAN SOMEONE KEEP ME COMPANY

TaeTaeflower: IM BOOOREEEED

J-HOE: shit tae its 5 am

J-HOE: de fuck are u doing awake

TaeTaeflower: what re YOU doing awake

J-HOE: Great Bake Off reruns

J-HOE: duh

TaeTaeflower: shit fam u rite

J-HOE: wat about u

TaeTaeflower: well

TaeTaeflower:



 

J-HOE: OH SHIT

J-HOE: UVE BEEN WALK OF SHAMING

TaeTaeflower: u know it

J-HOE: im proud of u my flower boy

TaeTaeflower: im proud of me too

TaeTaeflower: except dat walk of shaming in winter ITS REAL FUCKNG ANNOYING CUZ ITS COLD

J-HOE: let the memory of the dick u harvested warm u up

TaeTaeflower: u always give de best advices

TaeTaeflower: ur like the mother of sluts

TaeTaeflower: im proud to call u my friend

J-HOE: i do what i can

 

                                             

 

 

theprincess❀: I had a horrible nightmare

theprincess❀: it was honstly traumatizing

destroyermon: ??

destroyermon: u ok??

theprincess❀: i dreamed

theprincess❀: that joonie asked me to lick his feet

 

destroyermon left WE DEM BOYZ

 

TaeTaeflower: lmao

theprincess❀: i didnt even dream dat i just said that for the lolz

yoongles: for the lolz the fuck what are u twelve

 

 

theprincess removed yoongles from WE DEM BOYZ

 

 

theprincess❀: anyways

J-HOE: THE KING OF SAVAGE

sunshinemin: (╬ Ò ‸ Ó)

 

 

sunshinemin added yoongles to WE DEM BOYZ

 

yoongles: GODDAMN U CANT TRUST ANYONE IN THIS FUCKING CHAT

sunshinemin: u can trust me hyung~

yoongles: i know minnie

J-HOE: wow

yoongles: anyway

yoongles: damn tae, at least wear something warmer if u know u have to walk of shame ur way through life

TaeTaeflower: but if i wear too many clothes than it gets harder to take them off

J-HOE: im so proud look at him

J-HOE: getting the dicks like a pro

goldenkook: yall nasty af

theprincess❀: diD U USE PRITECTION???

TaeTaeflower: of course

theprincess❀: then everything is fine, go and get dem dicks


                                                   

 

sunshinemin: ahahahahahahaha

sunshinemin: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

sunshinemin: end my life

J-HOE: lmao whats wrond

sunshinemin: is2g its not like i ask for much

sunshinemin: i dont want to suddenly get taller

sunshinemin: or have like normal hands

yoongles: ur hands are fine

sunshinemin: i just want decent skin

sunshinemin: thats all

sunshinemin: and i woke up today with like the worst skin ever??

sunshinemin: I AM A WALKING PIMPLE???

yoongles: ur hands are fine and ur skin is fine stop beating urself down

sunshinemin: … hyung u have like perfect skin

TaeTaeflower: tru

sunshinemin: how do u do it???

sunshinemin: HWTA MAGICAL SKINCARE DO U FOLLOW

goldenkook: is2g i never saw a pimple on yoongi hyungs face

yoongles: skincare?

yoongles: i just wash my face in de morning

goldenkook: … thats it??

TaeTaeflower: no creams???

sunshinemin: NO CLEANSING FOAM??

yoongles: cleansing foam? Is dat a real thing?

TaeTaeflower: i

 

sunshinemin left WE DEM BOYZ

 

goldenkook: LMAO

yoongles: ????

yoongles: WHAT DID I DO

yoongles: WHAT DID I SAY WRONG WHAT HAPPENED WHY DID HE LEAVE

J-HOE: yoongi hyung is deadass crying in the living room i cannot believe

 

 

 

[Private chat Yoonmin is my heartu]

 

TaeTaeflower: BRO WHI DID U LVEAVE THE CHAT

sunshinemin: I PANICKED

sunshinemin: I

sunshinemin: HE JUST WASHES HIS FACE IN DE MORNING

sunshinemin: HOW DOES ONE HUMAN BEING LOOK LIKE DAT WITHOUT SKIN CARE

sunshinemin: HOW CAN I EVEN IMAGINE OF BEING WITH HIM IF HE LOOKS LIKE DAT WITHOUT SKIN CARE

sunshinemin: LIKE IF HE WAKES UP NEXT TO ME IN DE MORNING IM BLESSED BUT HES FUCKING CURSED U KNOW HOW I LOOK IN T HE MORNING IM A MESS

TaeTaeflower: a hot mess

sunshinemin: no juST A MESS I AM NOT WORTHY

goldenkook: i hate both of u

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

J-HOE added sunshinemin to WE DEM BOYZ

 

yoongles: JIMIN I WILL START USING CLEANSING FOAM IF THATS WHAT U WANT??

yoongles: where do u buy cleansing foam ill buy like fifty of them

sunshinemin: nono hyung dont worry ahaha

sunshinemin: i left by mistake i accidentaly tapped on “abandon the chat” lmao

TaeTaeflower:

goldenkook:

TaeTaeflower: why the fuck u lying

goldenkook: why u always lyinnnn

J-HOE: MMMMMY GOD

sunshinemin: shut the fuc k up


                                             

 

J-HOE: oh tae forgot to ask

J-HOE: who have u been fucking??

TaeTaeflower: oh u know who

J-HOE: ??

TaeTaeflower: hes a friend of urs * suggestive eyebrow wiggling *

J-HOE: OMG U ACTUALLY FUCKED WITH MINJAE??

TaeTaeflower: damn right

goldenkook: wait what with minjae

yoongles: minjae?

TaeTaeflower: yes? Why

goldenkook: … nothing

 

 

 

[Private chat CYPHER PT QUEER]

 

yoongles: THAT minjae??

yoongles: THE ASSHOLE THAT TRIED TO LAY HIS HANDS ON JIMIN

J-HOE: well yah

yoongles: THE FUCK

yoongles: IS HE TRYING TO DO WITH TAE

destroyermon: he aint trying anything he already did lmao

yoongles: well that cant happen again

J-HOE: what

yoongles: i dont trust this minjae

destroyermon: just cuz he tried to get naughty with jimin? Seriously hyung

yoongles: this minjae keeps trying to get his hands on things that dont belong to him

J-HOE: since when does tae belong to u???

yoongles: not to me

yoongles: but like what about jungkook

J-HOE:

destroyermon: what??

yoongles: well jungkook clearly has a thing for tae

yoongles: i mean its pretty obvious

yoongles: yall dont see the heart eyes that kid has whenever tae even breathes?

J-HOE: I CANNO T BELIEVE THIS

J-HOE: THIS MAN

J-HOE: HE REALIZES EVERYTHING EXCEPT WHAT HE HAS TO REALIZE???

destroyermon: i reache d a point where im not even surprised anymore

destroyermon: like, what does jimin gotta do to make hyung realize hes head over heels for him

destroyermon: accidentally send on the group chat the he wants yoongi to ravage him??

yoongles: how dare u insinuate such a thing about jimin what the hell namjoon do u want me to beat u up

J-HOE: i am so tired of dis lmao

J-HOE: ur right about jungkook tho

yoongles: of course i am im not as clueless as u people are

destroyermon: H E JSUTST SAID THAT

J-HOE: THE AUDACITY

 

 

 

 

[Jimothy]

 

 

jeonjj: hey

Jimothy: what is up my homie

jeonjj: this minjae

jeonjj: isnt he the one who tried to get u home at jackson's party

Jimothy: i mean i cant remember much of that night

Jimothy: … the night i called yoongi oppa

Jimothy: i want to erase dat night from history

jeonjj: its him tho

Jimothy: yeah probs

jeonjj: i dont like him

Jimothy: … are u serious right now

jeonjj: yea

jeonjj: like first of all he tried fucking u and u were wasted

jeonjj: and then he jumps on to tae??

jeonjj: what kind of downgrade is dat

Jimothy: u

Jimothy: do u realize what u just said?

jeonjj:

jeonjj: wait no thats not what i meant

Jimothy: oh kookie

Jimothy: my sweet summer child

jeonjj: it doesnt mean anything

Jimothy: oh god ur jealous arent u

jeonjj: im not

Jimothy: no u totally are

Jimothy: listen kook im gettinf tired of this shit

Jimothy: just talk to tae and tell him dat ur not so straight as u like to believe

jeonjj: u know what i was an idiot thinking that i could talk to u

Jimothy: listen asshole im trying to help u both

Jimothy: tae doesnt give two flying fucks about minjae he s a fucking rebound

Jimothy: guess from who?

Jimothy: its not like u two need to get together immediately like take ur fucking time but talk for fucksake

Jimothy: is2g whenever tae gets back from minjaes place he looks like a fucking ghost he doesnt care

jeonjj: ur all wise and shit when it comes to other people why can t u be lik dis with yoongi hyung

Jimothy: CUZ U TWO HAVE MUTUAL FEELING ME AND YOONGI DONT

jeonjj: EXCEPOT THAT U DO U DENSE MOTHERFUCKERS I AM SO TIRED OF DIS KEEP PINING I CANT EVEN

Jimothy: THE DISRESPECT THIS KID SHOWS TO HIS HYUNGS WOW

 

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

TaeTaeflower: fuck

TaeTaeflower: FU CK

goldenkook: ???

goldenkook: r u ok??

TaeTaeflower: I JUST BRURNED NY FUCKIN HABND WITH THE KETTLE

TaeTaeflower: ALL FOR JIMINS STUPID ASDS TEA

sunshinemin: MY TEA IS NOT STUPID

TaeTaeflower: WEHRE IS YOONGI @yoongles

yoongles: ????

TaeTaeflower: * puts burned hand over yoongi hyung's heart * aaaah so cold so nice

J-HOE: he saw a chance and he took it

 

                                                      

 

 

J-HOE: i just noticed

J-HOE: if u step over a persons foot they open their mouths, just like trash cans

yoongles: is dat why youve been stepping OVER MY FEET FOR THE LAST 20 MINUTESS

J-HOE: i cant read suddenly i dont know

 

                                                  

 

 

destroyermon: im just saying, if james and lily potter had a house, cuz like they had the money, why did the ministry leave it like dat after they died

destroyermon: cuz i mean they knew voldemort was after dem so they probably wrote a will right and i think they wouldve left it to harry

destroyermon: i mean they left like a whole fucking bank of gold for him but not a house???

destroyermon: what about like the furniture, and the things they had in the house that belongs to harry

destroyermon: what kind of fucked up ministry would just seize the house and leave it there like a fucking tourist spot

TaeTaeflower: im betting my fucking bisexuality that dumbledore had smth to do with it

TaeTaeflower: the man was shady

goldenkook: or snape snape could have had something to do with it

sunshinemin: ikr like he went inside de house, ignored james dead body, ignored a crying child to cradle lily's dead fucking body in his creepy ass arms

theprincess❀: it doesnt make sense u rite

theprincess❀: the house should be harry's why did they leave it like dat

yoongles: right, its 3 am and uve been talking about harry potter's fucking house for the past hour i say u stop this nonsense

sunshinemin: what about the family pictures like harry wouldve wanted them??? hagrid had to go around begging people to give dem pictures of harrys parents so dat the kid would see em???

sunshinemin: its a cold harsh world

J-HOE: why are we like this?

 

 

[MY CHIMCHIM]

 

 

Tae: u home?

MY CHIMCHIM: nah im at class almost done

Tae: oh good cuz im coming back from minjaes flat and we're going for round 2

MY CHIMCHIM: nice

MY CHIMCHIM: wait why r u going to our flat for part 2

MY CHIMCHIM: tae

MY CHIMCHIM: TAEHYUING

 

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

TaeTaeflower: sorry chim dropped my phone

TaeTaeflower: anyway u should see the fucking marks minjae left bro like a work of art

TaeTaeflower: imma show u

sunshinemin: WAIT

sunshinemin: TAEHYUNG

TaeTaeflower: 



 

TaeTaeflower: boom bitch

sunshinemin: /TAE/

TaeTaeflower: oh shit

TaeTaeflower: WORNG CHAT OMG ABORT MISSION

J-HOE: OH MY FUCKING GOD LMAO

destroyermon: BOI

goldenkook:

yoongles: are u fucking a goddamn vampire what the shit

theprincess❀: MY BABY WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WOW

TaeTaeflower: U WERE N OT SUSPPOSED TO SEE

goldenkook: yea right i feel like u send them here on purpose

TaeTaeflower: what the fuck kook

TaeTaeflower: why would i do that are u shitting me

goldenkook: idk why but u did

TaeTaeflower: you know what, im getting fucking tired of this

TaeTaeflower: you dont get to say shit after the stuff u told me when u were drunk u fucking asshole

sunshinemin: guys

sunshinemin: how about u take it somewhere private yea

TaeTaeflower: we dont have to take it anywhere i dont give a shit

goldenkook: yeah me neither go suck minjae's dick we all know u dont give a shit about him anyways

TaeTaeflower: fuck you jungkook

 

 

TaeTaeflower left WE DEM BOYZ

 

 

theprincess❀: well shit

 

 

 

[Jimothy]

 

jeonjj:

jeonjj: so

Jimothy: you fucking idiot

jeonjj: yea

jeonjj: yea err

jeonjj: so imight be jealous

Jimothy: YOU DONT FUCKING SAY SHERLOCK

Jimothy: apologize

jeonjj: the fuck why should i??

Jimothy: because u acted like a goddamn fuckboy

Jimothy: and i mean u are

Jimothy: so apologize

jeonjj:

jeonjj: i

jeonjj: im scared shitless

Jimothy: i know u are

Jimothy: but im with you kookie u can do this

jeonjj: ok

jeonjj: but like not now

jeonjj: i dont think hed listen to me rn

Jimothy: yea right now isnt the best

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

sunshinemin:

sunshinemin: i might have a problem

J-HOE: what

sunshinemin: well i cant go back to my flat

destroyermon: why??

sunshinemin: lets say that ive been sexiled

sunshinemin: judging FROM THE NOISES THAT COME FROM MY GODDAMN FLAT

sunshinemin: and im like really bored and the coffee shop closed and im standing in the middle of campus with cold coffee and im cold as well

yoongles: where are you?

sunshinemin: benches why

yoongles: dont move im coming

sunshinemin: oh

sunshinemin: okay ⌒°(❛ᴗ❛)°⌒

 

 

 

[Private chat EVERYONE'S OTP]

 

 

J-HOE: DO NOT FRET AS I, THE GREAT HUNG HOSEOK, AM FOLLOWING YOONGI HYUNG

theprincess❀: TELL US EVRYTHIGNF

J-HOE: im close to ground zero whilst keeping a discreet distance as to not get caught

goldenkook: do u see them??

J-HOE: ok im hiding behind the statue we're at the benches i see jimin

J-HOE: yoongi is approaching him with a dildo??

goldenkook: wai t wat

J-HOE: oh no ok its a thermos

J-HOE: sorry its dark

destroyermon: how do u mistake a thermos for a goddamn dildo

J-HOE: shut up

J-HOE: jimin looks happy as fuck, yoongi looks like hes about to melt

theprincess❀: pretty babies in love

goldenkook: what r they doing

J-HOE: they're like chatting yoongi refilled jimins cup with warm coffee

theprincess❀: the coffee shop au we all deserved

J-HOE: JIMIN SAID SMTH AND YOONGI LAUGHED OUT LOUD BLESSING THE WORLD WITH THE GUMMY SMILE™

J-HOE: IS2G JIMIN ALMOST FELL OFF THE BENCH

goldenkook: WILL THEY FINALLY KISS

theprincess❀: i have learned to not get my hopes up when it comes to these two

J-HOE: yah same

J-HOE: theyr speaking and i can see the heart eyes from here

J-HOE: YALL JIMIN WAS LIKE SHIVERING CUZ IT S COLD AND YOONGI JUST DEADASS TOOK HIS JACKET OFF

destroyermon: omg

J-HOE: jimin is like shaking his head and hands i think hes like “no no ull be cold too im fine”

J-HOE: right yoongi isnt having any of that shit HE LITERALLY SHOVED THE JACKET OVER JIMINS SHOULDERS

J-HOE: BUT LIKE REALLY AGGRESSIVELNJDEFHW9284

theprincess❀: the hell

destroyermon: did he have a stroke

J-HOE: JIE94MIN

J-HOE: JIMIN MA MAN

J-HOE: HE KISSED YOONGI ON THE CHEEK

goldenkook: ARE U SHITTING ME

J-HOE: I dont think he realized he did like NO OK HE REALIZED HE KISSED YOONGIS CHEEK I CAN SEE HIM BLUSHING FROM HERE

J-HOE: YOONGI IS DEADASS STARING AT JIMIN LIKE DE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

J-HOE: JIMINS TALKING TO HIM BUT YOONGI ISNT SAYING ANYTHING TBH I THINK HE DEAD

J-HOE: what the

J-HOE: JIMIN IS LEAVING

goldenkook: WHY??!?!

J-HOE: CUZ FUCKING YOONGI DIDNT SAY ANYTHING HE JUST KEPT STARING AT HIM AND JIMIN LOOKED PANICKED AF LIKE I SEE HIM RUNNING AWAY WITH YOONGIS JACKET

J-HOE: YALL JIMIN IS DEADASS CRYING HIS WAY THROUGH CAMPUS I CANT BELIEVE

J-HOE: AND YOONGI IS STIL STANDING THERE FREEZING HIS ASS OFF STARING AT THE BENCH WHERE JIMIN WAS

J-HOE: YALL YOONGI BLINKED

J-HOE: still not moving

J-HOE: HE JUST STARTED PATTING THE CHEEK JIMIN KISSED LEGIT BLUSHING LIKE A FUCKING JAPANESE SCHOOLGIRL

goldenkook: this is ridiculous

goldenkook: im gonna find jimin hyung

J-HOE: yah u do thta

J-HOE: MAYDAY MAYDA AY

J-HOE: I HVE BEEN SPOTTED AND IM BEING FOLLO3EWED IM RUNFNNING

destroyermon: we'll give u polithical asilum come to our flat

 

 

[MY CHIMCHIM]

 

MY CHIMCHIM: is the flat free

Tae: yes

MY CHIMCHIM: i kissed yoongi on the cheek and he looked fucking disgusted

Tae: I sent Minjae away cause everytime we fuck i see Jungkook

MY CHIMCHIM: u in ur room?

Tae: yes

Tae: i already have consolatory chocolate

MY CHIMCHIM: ill bring the cuddles

Chapter Text

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

sunshinemin: I wanna die

TaeTaeflower: i dont wanna live anymooooore

sunshinemin: life is shit

TaeTaeflower: chocolate gives me pimples

sunshinemin: im gaining weight

TaeTaeflower: this is our downfall my friend

TaeTaeflower: we were at our primes

TaeTaeflower: look at us now

sunshinemin: finished men

sunshinemin: used up pieces of dirty socks

J-HOE: well isnt it a joy to hear you guys talk

destroyermon: what the fuck happened to u 2

TaeTaeflower: its a hard life

sunshinemin: it always is a hard life for emotional needy bottoms

TaeTaeflower: bitch i switch

sunshinemin: sure, and im straight

sunshinemin: anyways

sunshinemin: we sad as fuck

TaeTaeflower: tru

TaeTaeflower: ⁝(˚͈͈͈͈̥̆₍₎˚͈͈͈͈̥̆⁎)⁝ this is how sad i am

sunshinemin: dats like really sad

TaeTaeflower: still pretty tho

J-HOE: * looks at yoongi and jungkook *

destroyermon: * looks at yoongi and jungkook *

theprincess❀: * looks at yoongi and jungkook *

yoongles: /sweats profusely/

 

goldenkook left WE DEM BOYZ

 

J-HOE added goldenkook to WE DEM BOYZ

 

J-HOE: * looks even more at jungkook *

goldenkook: shut up

 

 

[Private chat CYPHER PT QUEER]

 

J-HOE: like hyung what the fuck

J-HOE: he kisses you on the cheeck and u dont say anything??

destroyermon: ikr

destroyermon: Jimin thinks u hate him

yoongles: hate him???

yoongles: I panicked okay i was too blessed, too lucky, too overwhelmed i couldnt even breath im surprised i didnt faint

yoongles: and then he just left and i thought oh he's regretting it and i mean he totally is

J-HOE: HE'S NOT U FCKING IDIOTRT

destroyermon: I CANNOT BELIE VE WIE STIL L HAVE TO WTITNESS SUCH LEVELS OF OBLIVIOUSNESS

 

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

theprincess❀: brain: learn a new language me: but why brain: you gotta

theprincess❀: imma learn a new language

 

                                           

 

theprincess❀: in italy when you're in trouble they say “mo so cazzi amari” and it literally translates to “now it's bitter dicks” and i think that's beautiful

J-HOE: he starts learning a new language from the insults

J-HOE: a true savage even in moments of culture

 

                                            


 

theprincess❀: in italy when something is fucking obivious they say “grazie al cazzo” which translates to “thanks to the dick” and I think thats even more beautiful

destroyermon: why are italians so obsessed with dicks?

theprincess❀: dont know but i relate


                                            

 

theprincess❀: like, these italians are fucking savages

theprincess❀: when u really wanna insult someone u say “li mortacci tua” which is like cursing their ancestors and beloved dead ones its truly magnificent

TaeTaeflower: im sorry but what kind of italian advanced course are u following hyung?

TaeTaeflower: “how to insult people in italian 101”?

 

 

 

 

[Jimothy]

 

 

jeonjj: does tae like romantic shit?

Jimothy: ???

jeonjj: he does doesnt he?

jeonjj: he always cries when he watches howls moving castle so he does like romantic shit

Jimothy: kookie the fuck

jeonjj: can u free the flat around 5 pm

Jimothy: OMG SNHUWHE ARE HU DOIGNEI TO DOJBT

jeonjj: what the fuck are u even trying to say

Jimothy: RE U DOING TI

Jimothy: ARE U PROFESSING THE LOVE

jeonjj: idek tbh

Jimothy: THE FLAT WILL BE FREE DONT YOU WORRY

 

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

theprincess❀: stronzo means jerk

theprincess❀: puttana means slut/whore

theprincess❀: bitch is used only for females and it means like either stronza or puttana they dont fuck around

theprincess❀: pezzo di merda is piece of shit

destroyermon: WHY ARE U ONLY LEARNING INSULTS WHAT BUSINESS DO U HAVE IN ITALY??

 

                                     

 

theprincess❀: YALL I FOUND THE BEST INSULT BUT LIKE IT'S IN A DIALECT OF THIS TINY ASS VILLAGE IN ITALY AND ITS THE BEST THING

theprincess❀: “te pozzeno portà en quattru”

theprincess❀: it literally means “May they carry you in four” as in “i hope four people carry you” AS IN “I HOPE YOU END IN A FUCKING COFFIN” LIKE THESE PEOPLE IS2G

J-HOE: we have a lot to learn from dem wow

 

 

 

[TaeTae]

 

jeonjj: r u at the flat

TaeTae: no

jeonjj: bitch

jeonjj: i can literally see the lights??

jeonjj: i know ur in???

TaeTae: tf

TaeTae: are u spying on me?

jeonjj: i might be outside of your flat

jeonjj: we need to talk

TaeTae: no we dont ur a fuckboy thats all theres to say

jeonjj: i am

jeonjj: a fuckboy i mean

jeonjj: and im sorry for what i said

jeonjj: but like

jeonjj: ok shit can u pull off the curtains?

TaeTae: listen y dont u just come inside

jeonjj: no imma need u to pull off the curtains and stay there and look at me cause i gotta look u in the eyes when i say these but i cant say it out loud cuz im kinda scared so yeah

jeonjj: pull off the curtains and just stand there

jeonjj: its gonna be awkward as fuck but just humor me

TaeTae: ok there done

TaeTae: shit kook arent u cold??? like who the fuck wears a white t-shirt and nothing else in the middle of fucking winter

jeonjj: aesthetics

jeonjj: … is dat the sweater i got your for ur birthday?

TaeTae: what do u want kook? Cuz like this is really awkward

jeonjj: right

jeonjj: ok

jeonjj: shit

jeonjj: so i said some shitty stuff and im sorry

TaeTae: ok

jeonjj: but i was jealous

jeonjj: and it s ashitty excuse but yeah

TaeTae: jealous

jeonjj: yea

TaeTae: is that all

jeonjj: no

jeonjj: oh god i cant believe im doing this

jeonjj: but you like this kind of thing so here goes

jeonjj: i think u have the prettiest eyelashes like how the fuck does a guy have those kind of lashes teach me ur secrets

jeonjj: also your skin has the color of honey and thats just not fair

jeonjj: and u smell sooo good its ridiculous

jeonjj: ur hair is super soft there i said it and im sober

jeonjj: and u are super pretty

jeonjj: probably the prettiest human that has ever walkedd the earth

jeonjj: honestly its unnerving how can a person have a face like yours?? cant relate??

jeonjj: and ur soft everywhere but ur jawline can cut someone in half???

jeonjj: and ur voice goddamn i could talk about ur voice for like hours and i wouldnt get tired of it its so good

jeonjj: and kinda hot but thats besidee the ppijt

jeonjj: ok srr hands r shaking

jeonjj: and UR SMILE COULD CURE CANCER

jeonjj: I ONCE SPENT TWO HOURS LOOKING UP JOKES TO TELL U JUST TO SEE THAT DMILE I SWEAR TO GOD TAE WHO GAVE U THE RIGHT

jeonjj: i want to listen to you talking about those fucking rabbits on the moon

jeonjj: and i want to buy you that disgusting coffee that u like so much

jeonjj: and i like spicy food but you dont so i'll cook for you with no spices whatsoever

jeonjj: and ill watch all those shitty dramas u like so much without complaining

jeonjj: and yes, i lied when i said that i hate it when u talk during movies i actually like it

jeonjj: and ur the best person i know and all that jazz and i might be a little gay for you

jeonjj: like a lot gay for you

jeonjj: like

jeonjj: oh god fuck shit ok

jeonjj: like i might be in love with you kinda gay for you

jeonjj: so yea

jeonjj: this is me telling u im in love with you

jeonjj: there

jeonjj: i said it

jeonjj:

jeonjj: tae

jeonjj: tae uve been staring at ur phone for 5 minutes its freezing out here

jeonjj: wait are u crying WHY ARE YOU CRYING WHAT DID I DO WHAT DID I SAY WRONG

jeonjj: JIMIN SAID UD LIKE THIS WHY ARE U CRYING IM GONNA KILL HIM

jeonjj: ?=??

jeonjj: I SEE U MOVING UR MOUTH BUT I CANT HEAR YOU U FUCKING WALNUT

TaeTae: IM CRYINDF CUSN IM HAPPY

jeonjj: oh

jeonjj: nice

TaeTae: UFKC YOU

TaeTae: FUCK YOU JEON JUNGKOOK

TaeTae: IM GONNA OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR NOW

TaeTae: AND IM GONNA KISS U TILL U FUCKING FAINT U HEAR ME

jeonjj: wait really?

TaeTae: YES REALLY THE DUCK DO U WANT ME TO DO ??? STAND HERE AND LOOK PRETTY?!

jeonjj: i mean u do look pretty so

TaeTae: STAY THERE DOSNT NMOVE IM ABOUT TO KISS THE SHIT OUT OF YOU

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

theprincess❀: they literally use “tua sorella” which means “your sister” as a comeback??

theprincess❀: i am in love with these people joons lets move to italy right now

destroyermon: no

theprincess❀: WHY?? ( Ĭ ^ Ĭ )

destroyermon: WE'RE NOT MOVING TO ANOTHER COUNTRY JUST CUZ U LIKE THE INSULTS


                                         

 

goldenkook: hey

goldenkook: u know who's gay?

goldenkook:



 

goldenkook: us

theprincess❀: EUI3EDYWEBCEUI2H32YYDX

J-HOE: OMDHEHGOD

sunshinemin: YES

sunshinemin: GODDAMMIT YES THEY MADE IT YALL

TaeTaeflower: WE MADE IT I CAN TBELIEVE???

destroyermon: MY BABIES

destroyermon: IS THIS A DREAM???

goldenkook: nope

TaeTaeflower: its real yall

yoongles: fucking finally

J-HOE: LOOK AT THIS FAKE ASS BITCH HE BE ACTING ALL MANLY AND SHIT HES LITERALLY HOLDING HIMSELF FROM CRYING

yoongles: shu up

theprincess❀: I AM SO HAPPY

theprincess❀: AND PROUD

theprincess❀: U GIVE ME FAITH IN LOVE IT HAPPENED IVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER NOT EVEN WHEN NAMJOON ASKED ME TO DATE HIM

destroyermon: are u shitting me

destroyermon: BUT LIKE KIDS CONGRATS YES

J-HOE: oh thanks god

J-HOE: wiat

J-HOE: this literally means THAT NO ONE IN THIS FUCKING CHAT IS STRAIGHT

J-HOE: THE FUCK IS DIS, PRIDE MONTH??

goldenkook: so like now we got our shit together. It might be time for two other people to get their shit together

TaeTaeflower: * looks at yoonmin *

goldenkook: * looks at yoonmin *

J-HOE: * looks at yoonmin *

destroyermon: * looks at yoonmin *

theprincess❀: * looks at yoonmin *

yoongles: again what the fuck is a yoonmin

sunshinemin: /sweats in gay/

 

 

 

[ Yoongi ♡]

 

Minnie: so

Minnie: i might have been sexiled again

Minnie: and im a the benches again

Minnie: and its kinda cold and i still have ur jacket so maybe i should give it back???

Minnie:

Minnie: you probably dont wanna see me its ok

Yoongi: of course i want to see u

Yoongi♡: im bringing coffee

Yoongi♡: actually, you know what, hoseok is not home rn so like

Yoongi♡: just come by and have dinner here, we'll watch a movie or smth

Minnie: u sure hyung??

Yoongi♡: of course im sure

Yoongi♡: and u can sleep here if you want u dont have to if u dont want to but like if u want to u can sleep here ill take the couch just if u want to

Minnie: I WANT TO

Minnie: oops sorry capslock was on lmao

Minnie: i want to! Ill be there in 5

Yoongi♡: ok

Yoongi♡: [message deleted]

Minnie: ??

Minnie: lol will u ever tell me what is that u keep deleting

Yoongi♡: yea

Yoongi♡: yeah, ill tell you one day. Now come here, its cold as fuck outside i have blankets




 

Chapter Text

[Private chat EVERYONE'S OTP]

 

 

J-HOE: YALL

J-HOE: /YALL/

destroyermon: it's too early for your “yalls”

J-HOE: YALL™

J-HOE: BUCKLE THE FUCK UP

J-HOE: YOU WONT BELIEVE WAT I WITNESSED

theprincess❀: i smell tea

J-HOE: and as usual your nose does not betray you hyung

J-HOE: I, the great Hung Hoseok, bring you the finest brew of tea

J-HOE: so like yesterday night after the happy announcement that the taekook™ is finally canon

J-HOE: i decided to celebrate with a good dicking

J-HOE: and indeed a good dicking it was but thats another story

J-HOE: anyway im walk of shaming my way through the morning yeah? Its like 4 am and i go back to the flat

J-HOE: i open the door, ready to go the fuck to sleep cause the dickind left me drained … and i am welcomed...

J-HOE: with yoongi and jimin blissfully sleeping together on the couch

destroyermon: JKDBHIWEGDFWEIH

theprincess❀: IF THIS IS A LIE I WILL HAUNT U

J-HOE: I SPEAK THE TRUTH

goldenkook: LIKE ME AND TAE JUST WOKE UP AND U JUST HIT US WITH THIS

TaeTaeflower: TELL US THE DETAILS

J-HOE: like ok the tv was still on so im guessing they fell asleep while they were watching a movie or smth and they were cuddled under like 9 blankets

J-HOE: and they were so fucking close yall, legs tangled together, jimin head resting on yoongis shoulder, yoongi arms around jimin it was honestly nauseating

J-HOE: and then jimin kinda stirred in his sleep and yoongi just held him tighter and i was like how much more fluff fanfiction tropes r these two gonna give me before i faint?

J-HOE: so i did what every other human would do

J-HOE: i took out the phone and got ready to take a pic

TaeTaeflower: THATS MY SENPAI

goldenkook: SHOW US

theprincess❀: NOW

J-HOE: i would

J-HOE: but IS2G the moment i opened the camera app yoongi snapped his eyes open like we were on the set of the fucking exorcist, looked at me and whispered “i fucking dare you hoseok”

J-HOE: and i have no suicidal tendecies, which is why i put the phone back in my pockets and i am now telling u what i saw

J-HOE: after my close ecounter with death, jimin was still asleep but yoongi was awake but made no move to stand up so at some point i went and took a shower. When i came back they were exactly as i left them, they didnt move a fucking inch so i went “yoongi hyung r u gonna like get off the couch on day or?” and he said, DEAD SERIOUS, “would you move when a puppy falls asleep on you?”. So he just sat there with jimin in his arms until jimin woke up

TaeTaeflower: ANDH WHATDDN RSHAPPèEJMED NHWHEN UDNHE WKOKE UP

destroyermon: HOW DO YOU FUCK UP A SENTENCE /THAT/ MUCH

goldenkook: what he tried to type was: and what happened when he woke up?

J-HOE: BOI

J-HOE: SO LIKE AT SOME POINT JIMIN WAKES UP HE OPENS HIS PRETTY EYES AND YOONGI IS LOOKING AT HIM LIKE HE SAW THE SUN YEAH? AND JIMIN KINDA STARES AT YOONGI FOR A WHILE AND THEN GOES “am I in heaven?”

destroyermon: OH MY GOD

theprincess❀: THE CUTEST

J-HOE: and YOONGI ALMOST CRIED AT THE SPOT IT WAS RIDICULOUS BUT THEN JIMIN NOTICED ME AND HIS BRAIN MUST HAVE TOLD HIM “RIGHT WHY THE FUCK WOULD HOSEOK BE IN YOUR HEAVEN” SO JIMIN CATCHES UP AND HE REALIZES DIS IS REAL LIFE AND HE REALIZES HE SLEPT WITH YOONGI ON THE COUCH AND THAT HE'S STILL LIKE ALL OVER HIM SO HE SLOWLY FREES HIMSELF FROM YOONGI'S DEATH GRIP AND HE STANDS UP AND LEAVES WITHOUT SAYING A FUCKIN WORD AND WITH DEATH IN HIS EYES

destroyermon: so much capslock

destroyermon: always so extra

J-HOE: and now i got yoongi pacing the apartment muttering “why doesnt he love me what did i do wrong why am i in love with the most precious human i dont deserve him”

goldenkook: … so like

goldenkook: nothing changed

J-HOE: basically yeah

 

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

 

TaeTaeflower: yall

J-HOE: err I think u meant YALL™

TaeTaeflower: shit fam u rite

TaeTaeflower: so yall™ i gotta say something

TaeTaeflower: jungkook should change his nickname

destroyermon: ??

goldenkook: tf why?

TaeTaeflower: you should change it

TaeTaeflower: to goldenCOCK CAUSE DAMN BOI

goldenkook: /TAEHYUNG/

theprincess❀: wow

TaeTaeflower: SERIOUSLY PPL BEST SEX OF MY LIFE

TaeTaeflower: LIKE DIS GUY ENTERS THE GAY LIFE FOR THE FIRST TIME AND HES ALREADY A PRO

TaeTaeflower: I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW HASTHTAG BLESSED IVE BEEN WITH THIS GOLDEN COCK

goldenkook: ARE U WITH ME JUST FOR MY DICK?!

TaeTaeflower: I WASNT AT FIRST BUT LIKE NOW ITS ONW OF THE GOOD REASONS

sunshinemin: ahaha

sunshinemin: must be fun being in love

sunshinemin: in a relationship

sunshinemin: with mutual feelings

yoongles: ikr

yoongles: cant relate

destroyermon: I WILL CUT A BI TCH IF THIS KEEPS GOINF ON

J-HOE: they ask you how you feel and you have to say that you're fine when you're not really fine

 

                                                

 

destroyermon: but like

destroyermon: taehyung literally has yaoi hands

TaeTaeflower: DNUWQHD

goldencock: HSWY WHOULD US SAY DAT

goldencock: wait

goldencock: WHO TF CHANGED MY NICKNAME

theprincess❀: lol

goldencock: HYUNG

 

                                                 

 

 

TaeTaeflower: im hungry

goldencock: where r you ill bring u pizza

TaeTaeflower: im at class now cant bring me pizza babe

goldencock: fucking watch me

TaeTaeflower: tf

TaeTaeflower: is dis what having a boyfriend feels like he bring u pizza in de middle of lecture

sunshinemin: i wouldnt know

J-HOE: u would if u got ur shit together



                                             


 

 

theprincess❀: what planet has a father?

theprincess❀: the sun

destroyermon: thats so fucking bad hyung

theprincess❀: my feet r still good tho

destroyermon: I DONT CHARE ABOUT UUR FEET

theprincess❀: sure jan

 

                                              

 

 

J-HOE: I JUST WALKED INTO YOONGI HYUNG LOOKING UP AN ARTICLE OF BUZZFEED THAT SAID “20 SIGNS UR CRUSH LIKE U BACK”

destroyermon: LMAO

TaeTaeflower: BEAUTIFUL

yoongles: HOSEOK

sunshinemin: ahahaha must be nice ahahahah

goldencock: omg hyung get a grip

goldencock: WHY CANT I CHANGE MY NICKNAME


                                                


 

TaeTaeflower: babe can u come over?

goldencock: i cant, im at the groceries

TaeTaeflower: jimin isnt home

goldencock: 



___________________________________


 

yoongles: so like i might have promised my instagram followers ten different selcas today

yoongles: and i want to know if u think these r good cuz like i think i look like shit in all of dem

sunshinemin: biTCH IS U BLIND

goldencock: oh my god?

sunshinemin: i mean TAEHYUNG LOL WHY DO U STEAL MY PHONE AND WRITE STUFF ILL KILL YOU

yoongles: ok here r my choices

 

 

 

[Private chat Yoonmin is my heartu]

 

sunshinemin: oh boi are u ready?

sunshinemin: im not

TaeTaeflower: * deep sigh *

 

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

yoongles:



 

J-HOE: * my longest yah boiiiiiiii ever *

destroyermon: looks good

 

 

[Private chat Yoonmin is my heartu]

 

sunshinemin: DID U SEE DAT

sunshinemin: THE PERFECTION

sunshinemin: I WANT HIM TO SPIT IN MY MOUTH

goldencock: why are u like this

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

yoongles:


 

theprincess❀: WORKING DEM GLASSES

 

 

[Private chat Yoonmin is my heartu]

 

 

sunshinemin: DOES HE KNOW ABOUT MY GLASSES KINK

sunshinemin: DOES HE???

sunshinemin: I WANT HIM TO EAT ME OUT LIKE A CUPCAKE

TaeTaeflower: oh my god jimin

goldencock: @ google: how to change a friend in 10 easy steps

 

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

yoongles:



 

TaeTaeflower: like all of dis selcas r flawless teach me your secrets hyung

destroyermon: srsl

sunshinemin: i like this one hyung

 

 

 

[Private chat Yoonmin is my heartu]

 

 

sunshinemin: I WANT HIM TO FUCK MY THROAT

goldencock: i am... disgusted

sunshinemin: I WANT HIM TO BEND ME OVER A TABLE AND DESTROY ME

sunshinemin: I WANT HIM TKF

TaeTaeflower: the fuck did he die?

goldencock: idek

goldencock: hyung u there?

 

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

sunshinemin: I LEGIT DROPPED MY PHONE CUZ I WAS SO OVERWHELMED

sunshinemin: but lIKE DID U SEE DAT

sunshinemin: I WANT HIM TO PAINT ME GREEN AND SPANK ME LIKE THE BAD AVOCADO IVE BEEN

TaeTaeflower: OMGHED MJIMIN STOP

sunshinemin: I WANT YOONGI TO FUCKING RAVAGE ME UNTIL I AM A FUCKING MESS I WANT HIM TO MAKE ME BEG UNTIL I CANT THINK STRAIGHT

goldencock: JIMIN NO

sunshinemin: TF ARE U TALKING ABOUT JIMIN YES!

destroyermon: err

destroyermon: i mean i kinda called it

sunshinemin: wait

sunshinemin: this

J-HOE: I T ACUTALLY HAPPENED

theprincess❀: oh my god

sunshinemin: i

sunshinemin: wrong chat

yoongles:

yoongles: jimin

sunshinemin: gotta go brb

 

 

sunshinemin left WE DEM BOYZ

 

 

TaeTaeflower: I AM WHEEZING

goldencock: I NNEED OXYHGEN OMYGOF

theprincess❀: I CANT BELIEVE THIS JUST HAPPENED

J-HOE: LMAO

J-HOE: oh man this was bound to happen sooner or later

J-HOE: OH SHIT CALL AN AMBULANCE YOONGI JUST DROPPED ON THE FLOOR

J-HOE: I THINK HES DEAD

J-HOE: HE IS NOT BREATHING I REPEAT HE IS NOT BREATHING

TaeTaeflower: LMAO

J-HOE: WAIT HE S LIKE TWITCHING

J-HOE: HE'S MAKING WEIRD CHOKING NOISES??

J-HOE: I THINK HES HAVING A SEIZURE

destroyermon: hands down the best day of my life

J-HOE: YALL ARE LAUGHING BUT HES NOT OPENING HIS EYES IM LEGIT WORRIED

TaeTaeflower: err i think u meant

TaeTaeflower: YALL™

 

Chapter Text

[Private chat EVERYONE'S OTP]

 

 

TaeTaeflower: day 31 since the downfall™

TaeTaeflower: Jimin still wakes up in the middle of t he night screaming “I AM NOT AN AVOCADO YOONGI HYUNG”

TaeTaeflower: yesterday we were watching tv and there was a commercial for a new brand of avocado's juices

TaeTaeflower: he started crying and then ran to his room

theprincess: what the actual

J-HOE: day 31 since the downall™

J-HOE: Yoongi hyung yesterday stared at the wall for six hours

J-HOE: when I told him that and that he needed to take a shower he replied with “Who needs a shower when ur already dead cuz the love of your life hates you”

goldencock: Jimin says that he wants to be spanked and yoongi thinks he hates hiM????

J-HOE: idek

J-HOE: like right now he's in a fetal position on the couch whispering “its my fault if he thinks he's a bad avocado i would never make him beg id give it to him immediately”

J-HOE: i feel dirty

destroyermon: why is dis happening?

 

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

theprincess: another day people!

theprincess❀: another incredible day where everything is fine, nothing changed everything is the same, we are ALL happy

goldencock: goddamn hyung u sound like the dictator of a weird ass dystopian society

TaeTaeflower: may the avocados be ever in your favor

destroyermon: TAEHYUNG THE AVOCADOS ARE A NONO IN THIS CHAT

J-HOE: yoongi: /triggered/

yoongles: i just want him to know he's not a bvad avocado

yoongles: hes the best avocado

TaeTaeflower: well like talk to him

yoongles: i tried he doesnt answer my calls or texts

J-HOE: lmao the other day we saw him on campus and boi ive never seen jimin run away dat fast

yoongles: what the fuc k are you laughing at hoseok do you want me to fight you

J-HOE: wow

 

                                                 

 

 

TaeTaeflower: but like... if you bite something and u die its poisonous yeah, what is it if it bites u and u die

goldencock: venomous

TaeTaeflower: my boyfriend is so smart

destroyermon: and yet he still got a 30 in english

goldencock: at least i dont like licking feet

destroyermon: CAN YOU NOT

TaeTaeflower: what if it bites me and it dies?

J-HOE: then ur poisonous

TaeTaeflower: what if it bites itself and I die?

Yoongles: thats voodoo

TaeTaeflower: what if it bites me and someone else dies?

destroyermon: that's correlation, not causation

TaeTaeflower: what if we bite each other and no one dies?

theprincess❀: thats kinky

 

                                                      
 

 

TaeTaeflower: question for @goldencock

goldencock: what love?

theprincess❀: omg he calls him love so cute

TaeTaeflower:



 

TaeTaeflower: am I pretty?

goldencock: the prettiest

TaeTaeflower: talk eloquent to me

destroyermon: then they say i have weird fetishes

goldencock: you look ravishing

TaeTaeflower: DMWEIUFH32UIRH2FBOCW

TaeTaeflower: I AM DODSO BLESEDSED

destroyermon: why dont u ever compliment me like dis hyung?

theprincess❀: oh err well i will if u want to

theprincess❀: namjoon, all your facial parts are in the right spot

destroyermon: … thank you.

J-HOE: REKT

 

 

[Sunshine]

 

 

 

MinYoongi: Jimin, can u pls answer your phone

MinYoongi: please

MinYoongi: like idk if your angry or ashamed

MinYoongi: you dont have to be ashamed anyway?

MinYoongi: listen if you meant what you said i need to know bcs if you do then we need to talk

MinYoongi: and do whatever you want to do

MinYoongi: literally

MinYoongi: Jimin?

MinYoongi: please sunshine

 

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

destroyermon: right we need to talk people

destroyermon: today a guy from the lit department came up to me and said “hey i heard ur like me”

destroyermon: and i was like the fuck

destroyermon: and he said “ur into feet as well right?”

destroyermon: HE OFFERED ME MONEY. TO LICK MY FEET.

TaeTaeflower: LMAO

goldencock: OH MU GOD????

theprincess❀: did u say yes????

destroyermon: of course not i ran away

theprincess❀: why didnt u accept we need money???

destroyermon: CAUSE I DONT WANT TO BE FEET RAPED BY A STRANGER??!?

J-HOE: lol

destroyermon: listen im getting sick of this people think im a pervert

destroyermon: which is why i believe that someone else must become the bad example in our group i cant do this anymore

J-HOE: but...

J-HOE: you wear shame so well

TaeTaeflower: GODDAMN THE AMOUNT OF SAVAGE

 

                                                 

 

 

J-HOE: i cant keep this secret anymore

theprincess❀: ???

J-HOE: @goldencock

goldencock: what is it hyung

J-HOE: i have to tell u

J-HOE: i didnt want to cuz like it doesnt mean anything anymore

J-HOE: but i cant keep this from u anymore since now ur in a relationship with tae

J-HOE: when I met Tae the first time... I wanted to suck his dick

TaeTaeflower: NWEIUF3HDUNCE

destroyermon: oh boi

goldencock: and?

J-HOE: … i thought u were gonn a be a little more surprised

goldencock: oh, sorry

goldencock: * shocked voice * and?!

J-HOE: u dont care??

goldencock: not really i mean who wouldnt want to such his dick

TaeTaeflower: damn right

goldencock: i wanted to suck his dick as well when i first met him but i was too busy pretending to be straight so

TaeTaeflower: in the end he did suck the dick

TaeTaeflower: AND BOY IS HE A PRO AT IT

TaeTaeflower: GOLDEN MAKNAE INDEED

 

 

 

[Private chat EVERYONE'S OTP]

 

 

goldencock: day 37

goldencock: i've seen Jimin today on campus

goldencock: he was staring at the bench where he kissed yoongi's cheek and at some point he screamed and started kicking it

goldencock: i think hes having a breakdown

theprincess❀: we gotta do something

J-HOE: day 37

J-HOE: today yoongi was on his laptop and out of nowhere he looked at me and said “so wait a second since when do u think jimin wants me to do all those things to him?” and i went “since like fucking forever” and he said “oh” and shut up for a while.

J-HOE: after two hours i heard a terrible scream and yoongi was like running around the flat shouting “HOW THE FUCK DIDNT I NOTICE IM SO FUCKING STUPID”

J-HOE: i want to see this as progress

 

                                                      

 

 

TaeTaeflower: day 41

TaeTaeflower: I have been woken up in de middle of night by noises in the living room. I though it was a fucking burgler so i took my vibrator to use as a weapon

goldencock: DONT USE THE VIBRATOR AS A WEAPON

TaeTaeflower: and Jimin was sitting crosslegged in front of a piece of furniture THAT WE DID NOT PRIOR TO THIS NIGHT

TaeTaeflower: “jimin whats dat?” i ask and he goes “a drawer” “i see dat where did that come from” “I might have accidentally bought it and assembled it” “how does one accidentally assemble an ikea drawer” he looks at me, death in his eyes and goes “i just kinda did” then he started crying

destroyermon: SOEMONE SAVE THIS CHILD

 

 

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

TaeTaeflower: shit kook i really wanna suck ur cock rn

TaeTaeflower: wrap my lips around it u taste so fucking good

destroyermon: …

theprincess❀: taehyungie

TaeTaeflower: and its the wrong chat ok i see why jimin got it wrong that time

goldencock: TAHEYFUJN

goldencock: … my flat is free tho

TaeTaeflower: gotta go fast

yoongles: why are you all so gross

 

 

 

[Private chat EVERYONE'S OTP]

 

 

goldencock: day 43

goldencock: we're at jin hyungs coffee shop and jimin is sitting staring at seven different slices of cakes

theprincess❀: LMAO

theprincess❀: yoongi bought those cakes for him once man i wish i was there but its my free day today

TaeTaeflower: ive never seen someone look so invested in cakes

goldencock: YO

goldencock: SOMEONE JUST STARTES CHATTING HIM UP

TaeTaeflower: lmao this guy is totally flirting with jimin

TaeTaeflower: I HAVE AND IDEA

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

TaeTaeflower: lmao yall there's this guy flirting with jimin at seokjin hyung's coffee shop

destroyermon:

destroyermon: whaaaaaaaaaaaat

theprincess❀: oh myyyy we totally had no idea

J-HOE: WHAT GROUNDBREAKING NEWS

goldencock: ikr

yoongles: wait what

TaeTaeflower: totally flirting

TaeTaeflower: we're a few seats away and jimin looks kinda okay with it

yoongles: what

TaeTaeflower: THE GUY SAT NEXT TO HIM AND IS EATING CHEESECAKE WITH JIMIN

goldencock: they look kinda cute

destroyermon: you go jimin

destroyermon: take your man

yoongles: NO HE DOESNT TAKE HIS MAN

J-HOE: what are they doing

TaeTaeflower: cant hear them but they seem to like each other

goldencock: well i mean jimin is only human * looks at yoongi *

yoongles: i'm

goldencock: oh wait

goldencock: jimin is shaking his head

goldencock: … i feel like its not actually going that well

goldencock: aaaand jimin looks downright pissed

TaeTaeflower: what is this guy even saying to him he looks fucking livid

destroyermon: ??

goldencock: oh shit

goldencock: ok so this dude literally snapped jimins phone out of his hand and he's calling himself??? so that he can get jimins number???

yoongles: what the fuck did you say?

TaeTaeflower: YALL JIMIN IS SO PISSED BUT HE'S TRYING NOT TO MAKE A SCENE

TaeTaeflower: oh

TaeTaeflower: OKAY THE GUY IS NOW SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO JIMIN AND JIMIN TRIED TO STAND UP AND LEAVE BUT THE ASSHOLE GRABBED HIS ARM AND YANKED HIM BACK ON THE SEAT'???

TaeTaeflower: THE FUCK

yoongles: what the fuck do something

goldencock: …

goldencock: maybe we should leave

TaeTaeflower: yeah me and kookie will leave

TaeTaeflower: but oh poor jimin whatever will he do? He looks like he really needs help

destroyermon: * looks at yoongi *

theprincess❀: * looks at yoongi *

J-HOE: YALL U DONT NEED TO LOOK AT ANYONE HE JUST SPRINTED OUT THE FLAT SAYING HE HAS TO GO AND KILL SOMEONE REAL QUICK

theprincess❀: OMG IS DIS ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS WE SEE IN DRAMAS???

 

 

 

[Private chat EVERYONE'S OTP]

 

 

goldencock: me and tae are just outside the coffeeshop, keeping an eye on jimin from the window and hiding behind the tables

TaeTaeflower: we got this

theprincess❀: what about the guy??

TaeTaeflower: jimin can take care of himself besides we'll intervene if something goes wrong before yoongi shows up

goldencock: WELL NEVERMIND??? YOONGI HYUNG IS HERE LIKE HOW FUCKING FAST DID HE RUN?? HES SO SWEATY TOO AM I WITNESSING THE REBORN OF SONIC??

TaeTaeflower: HE WENT INSIDE

TaeTaeflower: spotted jimin in a fucking sec hes already approaching dem

goldencock: JIMIN FUCKING ALMOST FAINTED AT THE SIGHT

destroyermon: WHAT HASOEPPENFIN???

TaeTaeflower: YALL YOONGI SNATCHED THE PHONE OFF THE GUYS HAND AND I THINK HES LIKE DELETING JIMIN'S NUMBER FROM IT

goldencock: jimin looks like hes either really embarassed or about to get a boner

goldencock: THE GUY TRIED TO STAND UP TO GET THE PJONE BAKC YOONGI JUST PUSHED HIM BACK ON THE COUCH WITHOUD EBVEN LOOKING AT HIM SAVAGE

theprincess❀: IT'S LIKE IM WATCHING AN EPISODE OF A DRAMA WITH LEE MIN HO

destroyermon: who's lee min ho?

J-HOE: man ur such a shitty bisexual if u dont even know who lee min ho is

destroyermon: why am i being attacked?

TaeTaeflower: FORGET LEE MIN HO YOONGI AND THE GUY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE ABOUT TO PUNCH EACH OTHER IN THE FUCKING NUTS

goldencock: I THINK THE GUY SAID SOMETHING SHITTY CUZ YOONGI LOOKS LIKE HES ABOUT TO MURDER THE WORLD AND I CAN CONFIRM THAT JIMIN IS ON THE VERGE OF GETTING A BONER

TaeTaeflower: THE GUY GRABBED YOONGI'S SHIRT????

goldencock: OM DFGESH MY GUDFICKING GOD

TaeTaeflower: YALL

J-HOE: ARE THEY FIGHTING???

TaeTaeflower: HE PUNCHED HIM

destroyermon: YOONGI PUNCHED THE GUY??!?

goldencock: NO

TaeTaeflower: JIMIN PUNCHED THE GUY

theprincess❀: WHAT

TaeTaeflower: HE WENT FULL BERSERK THE MOMENT THE GUY GRABBED YOONGI IS2G HE PUNCHED HIM STRAIGHT ON THE FUCKING NOSE THE GUY IS ON THE FLOOR PEOPLE ARE TAKING VIDEOS

goldencock: and now im pretty sure yoongi is the one with a boner

TaeTaeflower: i mean dat was kinda hot, the damsel in distress with pink hair just knocked out a dude

TaeTaeflower: … they're staring at each other

TaeTaeflower: like all around dem there's a fucking commotion and these two are just looking at each other??

TaeTaeflower: WHAT KIND OF BOYS OVER FLOWERS SHIT IS DIS

destroyermon:

J-HOE: guys

J-HOE: its been like 5 minutes

goldencock: i know they're still staring at each other the guy in the meantime woke up and ran away

theprincess❀: i cannot believe the fluff and the overused tropes

goldencock: JIMIN MOVED

TaeTaeflower: HE TOOK HIS STUFF?? PUT HIS COAT ON AND STUFF

goldencock: OFUIWEH

TaeTaeflower: OMG

TaeTaeflower: OH MY FUCKING GOD JIMIN JUST OFFERED HIS HAND TO YOONGI AND THEYRE LEAVING HOLDING HANDS

destroyermon: WHAT IS THEIR LIFE??? A SHITTY ROMANCE MOVIE???

TaeTaeflower: ok like jimin just saw us and i saw in his eyes the promise of death so we're gtfo real quick

goldencock: we'll update u

J-HOE: there are literal tears going down my face

destroyermon: what kinda cliffhanger

 

 

 

[Private chat Yoonmin is my heartu]

 

 

sunshinemin: u fucking shits u were there and didnt even try to help

goldencock: trust me hyung we helped

TaeTaeflower: we're the ones who sent yoongi to u

sunshinemin: my hands hurts like a bitch

goldencock: WE DONT GIVE A SHIT GIVE US THE DETAILS U LEFT AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED

sunshinemin: yoongi bought me icecream

sunshinemin: (♥ω♥*)

goldencock: in winter?

TaeTaeflower: WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE ICECREAM DID U TWO FINALLY FUCK?!

sunshinemin: what no

TaeTaeflower: I AM RABOTU TO FLIP OVERT A TABLE

TaeTaeflower: at LESTA A FUCKING KISS

sunshinemin: … we didnt even speak

goldencock: what??

sunshinemin: it was actually kinda awkward

sunshinemin: he kept like blushing and it was cute as fuck but i think he was really embarassed about the whole avocado thing

sunshinemin: and the begging...

TaeTaeflower: no he was just sporting a boner

sunshinemin: we finished our icecream and he said “is your foot allright'”

TaeTaeflower: wait foot?

sunshinemin: yeah i was kinda confused as well then he said “no i meant hand not foot sorry” so i said “its fine” and he said “good” so i said “shall we go home” “Ok” and we went our own ways

goldencock: why

goldencock: why are u two making it so difficult i cannot believe I MANAGED TO GET MY FUCKING HAPPY ENDING DESPISE THE INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA AND ALL THAT SHIT SO WHY CANT U GET YOURS?!?

TaeTaeflower: look at him using dem big words so proud

TaeTaeflower: did u just say im your happy ending

goldencock: yeah

TaeTaeflower: im coming over to ur flat and u will eat me out

goldencock: ok

sunshinemin: ur so fucking disgusting

 

 

 

[Sunshine]

 

MinYoongi: so like i said we needed to talk but in the end we ate icecream

Sunshine: yeah

Sunshine: also sorry if i didnt answer u i was really embarassed

MinYoongi: its ok

Sunshine: and of course like i dont mean that stuff ahahahahah

MinYoongi: really?

Sunshine: yea

MinYoongi: are u sure? Cuz i really need to know

Sunshine: ok heres the thing

Sunshine: the way u see me is not the way i am. I know that u think im some sort of pure flower and all that hoseok told me

MinYoongi: ill kill that fucker

Sunshine: well im not. Pure. Like at all

Sunshine: im kind of a slut

Sunshine: as in i really like sex and im kinky as fuck

Sunshine: so even if u like me and u dont but even if u do u like this idea of me that u have

Sunshine: when in reality im not like that at all ok

MinYoongi: my question doesnt change do u want me to do what you said

Sunshine: oh fucksake of course i do come on

MinYoongi: … but like why?

Sunshine: r u serious rn? Hyung why would u want someone to do that stuff to u?

MinYoongi: oh

MinYoongi: OH

Sunshine: yea

Sunshine: sorry

MinYoongi: nononpo dont apologize

MinYoongi: ok first of all, i know that u have a vision of me that is wrong too cuz u think im some sort of really stoic serious cool person

MinYoongi: im soft as fuck

MinYoongi: for u that is

MinYoongi: like really soft

MinYoongi: and i have a folder on my laptop that is just u smiling so

Sunshine: i have a folder on my laptop of ur hands

MinYoongi: wait what

Sunshine: YOU HAVE GOOD HANDS LIKE THOSE FINGERS COULD DO WONDERS I KNOW DAT

MinYoongi: oh

MinYoongi: i use bathbombs

Sunshine: is dat why u always smell so fucking fruity?

Sunshine: i like it

MinYoongi: and im not fucking dumb i know ur kinky doesnt make u any less pure to me

MinYoongi: like so fucking pure, ur such a soft thing

MinYoongi: god this is so embarassing

Sunshine: its kinda cute

MinYoongi: also if u want me to make u beg i can do that it doesnt matter that im actually soft as fuck

Sunshine: trust me i know u can

MinYoongi: so

Sunshine: so

MinYoongi: we should talk

Sunshine: yea

Sunshine: but like before dat

Sunshine: my flat is free

MinYoongi: oh

Sunshine: yea

MinYoongi: ok im coming

Sunshine: man i hope u will

MinYoongi: JIMIN

Sunshine: get used to it

MinYoongi: Ill spank u for real if u keep this up

Sunshine: PLEASE DO.

MinYoongi: maybe i will

Sunshine: good

MinYoongi: also

MinYoongi: ok here goes nothing

MinYoongi: im kinda in love with you. A lot in love with you

Sunshine: MIN YOONGI GET THE FUCK HERE IMMEDIATELY CAUSE UR EATING GOOD TONIGHT

 

 

Chapter Text

[TaeTae]

 

 

 

jeonjj: are u home yet

TaeTae: bitch I left ur flat like five minutes ago how de fuck can i be hom already

TaeTae: who am i bolt??

jeonjj: are u safe

TaeTae: of course im safe

jeonjj: keep texting me

jeonjj: if u see someone u tell me and i come to u and kill them

TaeTae: jungkook. My love. The froot loops to my milk.

TaeTae: there are humans in the world. U cant kill ever single 1 of dem

jeonjj: i can and i will if they do something to u

jeonjj: im just worried cuz its late

jeonjj: i shouldve walked u back home

TaeTae: and then u wouldve had to go back home alone

jeonjj: I AM NOT THE PRETTIEST THING THAT EVER EXISTED THO=?????

TaeTae: KYAAAAAAAH

TaeTae: that was me squealing

jeonjj: yeah i figured

TaeTae: i was squealing like a japanes schoolgirl

TaeTae: omg

TaeTae: kook

jeonjj: what what happened are u ok is someone creeping on you im coming wait for me

TaeTae: SIT THE FUCK DOWN U OVERPROTECTIVE FUCKBOI

TaeTae: no one's here its four am for fuckssake its just me myself and i

TaeTae: i was thinking... maybe i should buy a japanese schoolgirl uniform

TaeTae: and let u fuck me while i wear it

jeonjj: im already making the order on amazon, whats ur size, is navy blue ok?

TaeTae: I WANT IT WITH A BLAZER

jeonjj: perfect

jeonjj: ok done it will arrive in a week

TaeTae: ill call u senpai

jeonjj: problematic af but kinda hot

TaeTae: literally me??

TaeTae: wait wtf

jeonjj: what is it

TaeTae: ONDHEUWM

jeonjj: WHAT HAPPENED HAVE U BEEN KIDNAPPED

jeonjj: WHOEVER IT IS WHO IS LAYING THEIR HANDS ON MY BOYFRIEND I WILL FIND U AND I WILL FUCKING EVISCERATE YOU

TaeTae: JUNGKOOK

jeonjj: ARE YOU OKAY

TaeTae: NO

jeonjj: shit im coming where r u

TaeTae: omg shut the fuck up u extra bunny headass

TaeTae: unless my eyes deceive me

TaeTae: im pretty sure ive just seen yoongi hyung leaving our flat

jeonjj: WHAT

TaeTae: IKR

TaeTae: is2g he left like five seconds ago i

TaeTae: i think hes walk of shaming

jeonjj: GET INSIDE AND GET THE TRUTH OUT OF JIMIN

TaeTae: BOI I WAS RUNNIIIING

TaeTae: * hacker voice * i'm in

TaeTae: im making my way to jimins room

TaeTae: THIS ROOM SMELLS OF NASTY KINKY SEX

TaeTae: JIMIN IS SLEEPING HE LOOKS FUCKING DRAINED

jeonjj: omg

jeonjj: u go to sleep too babe we'll see what happened tomorrow

 

 

 

[Private Chat EVERYONE'S OTP]

 

 

J-HOE: YALL

J-HOE: YALL YOONGI CAME BAKC HOM AT LIKE 4 AM AND IM PRETTY SURE HE SMELLED OF SEX??

destroyermon: tf hyung thats so gross

J-HOE: BUT LIKE DID HE CHEAT ON JIMIN???

TaeTaeflower: BOI HE DIDNT CHEAT

TaeTaeflower: ILL UPDATE U

J-HOE: OMG??

 

 

[Private chat Yoonmin is my heartu]

 

 

sunshinemin: morning guys

sunshinemin: what a good morning it is

goldencock: hey

goldencock: listen

TaeTaeflower: DID U GET THAT DICK

goldencock: /TAE/

sunshinemin: hahahahaah

sunshinemin: bitches

sunshinemin: i did get that dick

TaeTaeflower: OMG

TaeTaeflower: U MADE IT

sunshinemin: WE MADE IT I CANT BELIEVE??? IM CRYING?????

sunshinemin: wait tae aren't u at class now

TaeTaeflower: WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT MY ACADEMIC CAREER TELL US EVERYTHING

TaeTaeflower: I WANT ALL THE DIRTY DETAILS

goldencock: i dont

TaeTaeflower: yes u do dont be fake

sunshinemin: ok so i admitted to him im a huge slut

goldencock: honesty is the key to a healthy relationship

sunshinemin: and he said “im coming over” for sex dat is, but then i was like what if he changes his mind and just wants to talk? So i made tea cuz u know he likes tea and im a good host

TaeTaeflower: precious

sunshinemin: well the tea was not touched CAUSE THE MOMENT I OPENED THE DOOR YOONGI KISSED THE EVERLOVING AIR OUT OF MY LUNGS

sunshinemin: AND THEN PROCEEDED TO FUCK ME INTO OBLIVION I SWEAR TO GOD I DONT THINK ILL BE ABLE TO WALK FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS

goldencock: BOI

sunshinemin: BEST FUCK OF MY LIFE 10/10 WOULD RECOMMEND, A MYSTIC EXPERIENCE

sunshinemin: like at first he was all careful and shit, so fucking vanilla but it was soooo good but then i realized that he wasnt being careful HE WAS TEASING THE FUCK OUT OF ME

sunshinemin: I THINK HE EDGED ME LIKE SEVEN TIMES I WAS FUCKING CRYING BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE GOD BLESS HIM

sunshinemin: AND LET ME TELL U THE ONLY THING ABOUT HIM CLOSE TO VANILLA IS JUST HOW FUCKING SWEET HE IS AFTER SEX, CUZ DURING THE FUCKING HES SO KINKY

sunshinemin: I AM BLESSED

sunshinemin: also

TaeTaeflower: ALSO???

goldencock: THERES MORE^???

sunshinemin: he definitely has the oppa kink™

goldencock: I FUCKING KNEW IT

TaeTaeflower: omg chim im so happy for u my bro

sunshinemin: me too

sunshinemin: also sore af but in the best way

goldencock: BUT WAS HE A PRO ALSO AT AFTERCARE???

sunshinemin: BITCH HE WAS THE FUCKING MASTER OF AFTERCARE

sunshinemin: AND HE LIKES BEING THE LITTLE SPOON

sunshinemin: SO FUCKING ADORABLE

sunshinemin: im so in love yall

 

 

[Private chat CYPHER PART QUEER]

 

 

J-HOE: WHERE HAVE U BEEN TONIGHT

J-HOE: I KNOW U CAME HOME AT LIKE 4 AM

destroyermon: WERE U AT JIMINS

destroyermon: WERE U??

J-HOE: ANDSWER US U BITCH

yoongles: the amount of disrespect

destroyermon: TELL US

yoongles: i was at his house yeah

J-HOE: like wait y r we getting so excited

J-HOE: they porbably cuddled again and then panicked and went ahahaha no homo

destroyermon: ikr

yoongles: Jimin

J-HOE: yea hes soft and pure yeah we know

yoongles: hes so fucking flexible

destroyermon: a literal sunshine yea yea

destroyermon: wait what

J-HOE: does... does this mean...

yoongles: ( ̄ω ̄)

J-HOE: JDG387EY2HDN HE USED AND EMOTICOCN

destroyermon: THEY FUCKED

destroyermon: THEY TOTALLY FUCKED

J-HOE: IS DIS REAL LIFE

yoongles: i asked myself that many times last night

destroyermon: I AM SHOOK

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

yoongles added sunshinemin to WE DEM BOYZ

 

 

yoongles: so

yoongles: im in love with jimin

sunshinemin: im in love with yoongi-hyung

theprincess❀: water is wet

sunshinemin: and WE FUCKED

yoongles: sunshine pls

theprincess❀: GOD BLESS

TaeTaeflower: im so happy th ings workedd out in the end

sunshinemin: also since i have exposed myself i can finally stop acting like an innocent flower

sunshinemin: and start being the savage slut ive always been in this chat as well

theprincess❀: oh god

 

                                                      

 

 

TaeTaeflower: namjoon hyung

TaeTaeflower: namjoon hyung

TaeTaeflower: namjoon hyung

destroyermon: WHAT

TaeTaeflower: when will u send ur dimples to college?

destroyermon: what the fuck r u talking about

 

                                                         


 

TaeTaeflower: namjoon hyung

destroyermon: sigh

TaeTaeflower: namjoon hyung do ur dimples have financial stability?

destroyermon: why is dis happening to me

 

                                                    

 

sunshinemin: namjoon hyung

destroyermon: wat

sunshinemin: do ur dimples intend on getting student loans?

destroyermon: im getting fucking tired real quick of dis shit


                                                      

 

TaeTaeflower: namjoon hyung

destroyermon: goddammit what

TaeTaeflower: earth called

TaeTaeflower: it wants its crates back

destroyermon: MY DIMPLES ARE NOT THAT FUCKING HUGE I WILL NOT STAY QUIET IN FRONT OF THIS DISRESPECT

theprincess❀: once i tried touching joonie's dimple and my finger almost disappeared inside of it

theprincess❀: it was deeper than his ass

destroyermon: THIS IS CYBER BULLYING

 

                                              

 

 

theprincess❀: hey

theprincess❀: yall

J-HOE: errrrr YALL™ PLAGIARISM IS BAD

theprincess❀: u guys wanna hear a joke

goldencock: not really

theprincess❀: did that look like a fucking question?

TaeTaeflower: well damn

theprincess❀: knock knock

yoongles: it's open

theprincess❀: i...

TaeTaeflower: O MY FUCKING GOD

sunshinemin: MY BOYFRIEND IS SUCH A FUCKING SAVAGE

 

theprincess left WE DEM BOYZ

 

                                                         

 

destroyermon: WHY THE FUCK IS MY SPOUSE CRYING???

destroyermon: WHICH ONE OF U FUCKERS DO I HAVE TO MURDER

yoongles: it was me why what u gonna do about it

destroyermon: I WILL EXPOSE U U PIECE OF SHIT

yoongles: i already exposed myself

sunshinemin: in literally every sense of the word

yoongles: babe

sunshinemin: get used to it

sunshinemin: and keep coming with the pet names im a slut for those

destroyermon: DO NOT CHANGE THE SUBJECT

destroyermon: MIN YOONGI

destroyermon: MIN YOONGI ONCE CRIED

yoongles: wait namjoon stop i will apologize to jin

destroyermon: HE CRIED AFTER MASTURBATING BECAUSE HE JERKED OFF THINKING OF JIMIN AND THOUGHT HE TAINTED HIM

yoongles: the moment i get out of this class i will fucking choke you to death

sunshinemin: or

sunshinemin: hear me out on this hyung

sunshinemin: u could leave the class now and choke me instead

yoongles: who needs a degree anyway

destroyermon: so fucking gross

 

 

destroyermon added ❀theprincess❀ to WE DEM BOYZ

 

 

theprincess❀: ill let it slide this once

 

                                                      

 

goldencock: honeslty hyung what do u expect ur jokes r shit

goldencock: but like its an endearing quality that we all like

theprincess❀: SHUT THE FUCK UP

goldencock: well shit

theprincess❀: EVER SINCE I GAVE BIRTH TO YOU MY VAGINA HAS NOT BEEN THE SAME

goldencock: /HYUNG/

 

                                             

 

 

yoongles: fucking whites

yoongles: there's this fucking american exchange student and today he legit asked me “do u know kung fu?”

J-HOE: LMAO

yoongles: i know kung fuCK YOU YOU RACIST PIECE OF SHIT

 

                                                      

 

 

theprincess❀: @TaeTaeflower @goldencock do u guys wanna come over for dinner

sunshinemin: why just dem

theprincess❀: cuz u and yoongi are fucking disgusting and disrespectful thats why

TaeTaeflower: yea sure

goldencock: can we eat mcdonalds tho?

theprincess❀: …

theprincess❀: u know what u can eat?

theprincess❀: u can eat my ass

goldencock: … im gonna ask dad cuz im not eating ur ass

goldencock: @destroyermon your nasty spouse just said that we should eat his ass instead of macdonals

destroyermon:

destroyermon: BOI WE EATING GOOD TONIGHT

yoongles: THEN JIMIN AND I ARE THE DISGUSTING ONES WOW

sunshinemin: on the subject of eating good

yoongles: say no more ill be there in five

 

                                                   

 

 

J-HOE: hyung

J-HOE: yoongi hyung i know ur home im hungry

yoongles: tough shit

J-HOE: im so hungry hyung

yoongles: order some food

sunshinemin: now that u mention it im kinda hungry too

yoongles: im coming over, what should i cook?

J-HOE: I AM OFFENDED AND SHOCKED
 


                                                

 

 

J-HOE: but like

J-HOE: real talk ppl

J-HOE: has anyone ever touched themselves thinking about one of us

goldencock: y would u even ask dat

J-HOE: just curios

J-HOE: and like im not talking about ppl who are now in a relationship i mean outside of dem boyfriends

J-HOE: like idk has jin hyung ever touched himself to tae?

theprincess❀: I NEVER TOUCHED MYSELF TO MY CHILDREN HOSEOK WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

J-HOE: u rite sorry

J-HOE: then like yoongi to jungkook??

sunshinemin: u better watch ur words babe

yoongles: im sorry but why the fuck would i masturbate to a fucking piece of cabbage

goldencock: I AM INSULTED

TaeTaeflower: hobi hyung i touched myself thinking of u

goldencock: WHAT

J-HOE: YOU DID???

TaeTaeflower: of course

TaeTaeflower: its called a facepalm

sunshinemin: BRUH

J-HOE: THE DISRESPECT©

 

 

 

Chapter Text



[Private Chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

 

TaeTaeflower: @goldencock you can call me colgate

goldencock: why

TaeTaeflower: cause 0 out of 10 dentists recommed u put me in ur mouth

theprincess❀: children, can we please stop

 


                                                      

 

 

sunshinemin: i feel like yoongi-hyung looks like a koala

sunshinemin: definetely acts like one

yoongles: explain

sunshinemin: doesn't move, sleeps all the time, gets up only if he has to eat

yoongles: am i being slandered by my boyfriend

sunshinemin: but koalas are also fucking cute

destroyermon: i went to australia when i was 16 with my family

destroyermon: at 1 30 in the fucking morning i have been awoken by the demonic throat growls of koala sex

yoongles: why would u ruin koalas like that

sunshinemin: demonic throat growls

sunshinemin: like literally yoongi hyung is a koala then

yoongles: do u want me to break up with u? Cuz thats whats gonna happen if u keep up with this slander

sunshinemin: lmao like ud break up with me ull never find a better ass than mine

yoongles: …

sunshinemin: also u love me too much

yoongles: that is very true

yoongles: talking about demonic throag growls

sunshinemin: im coming over

theprincess❀: /children/

 

                                                        

 

 

theprincess❀: so namjoon just fell face first on the pavement because he tried to jump over a poddle

J-HOE: wow

destroyermon: the risk i took was calculated

destroyermon: but man

destroyermon: am i bad at math

 

                                                       

 

 

sunshinemin: morning sluts

TaeTaeflower: moaning sluts

sunshinemin: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

TaeTaeflower: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

yoongles: i feel like a sextoy

goldencock: get used to it hyung

 

                                                    

 

 

destroyermon: i disembowel.

destroyermon: it's what I do.

J-HOE: not exactly the kind of message u wanna see first thing in the morning

TaeTaeflower: what the actual fuck

destroyermon: I...

destroyermon: when did i write this? Like tonight??

destroyermon: i dont remember writing it??

goldencock: err

goldencock: mom i feel like u wanna gtfo

theprincess❀: who did I marry? A monster? My whole life is a lie?

destroyermon: I DON'T REMEMBER WRITING THAT??

 

 

                                                  
 

 

J-HOE: sigh

J-HOE: LOUD SIGH

J-HOE: (⌣_⌣”)

TaeTaeflower: WHAT HAPPENRED HYUNG WHY US SAD??

J-HOE: like

J-HOE: yall are in love and shit

J-HOE: and in relationships (no matter how fuckn nasty)

J-HOE: and im just here

J-HOE: i want a relationship

TaeTaeflower: THEN WE'LL FIND U A RELATIONSHIP

J-HOE: will i ever find love

TaeTaeflower: OF COURSE YOU WILL

J-HOE: why should I

J-HOE: after all, I look like an open authopsy

TaeTaeflower: THEN UR THE HOTTEST OPEN AUTHOPSY EVER

J-HOE: thanks tae

J-HOE: its ok dont worry about me

 

 

 

[Private chat Yoonmin is my heartu]

 

 

TaeTaeflower: WRE NEND TO DIFN A BODURFRIENDS FORMD SHOBYEHSN

sunshinemin: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME

goldencock: i'll translate

goldencock: “we need to find a boyfriend for hobi”

sunshinemin: were the quotes necessary

TaeTaeflower: HES LONELY

TaeTaeflower: LETS SET HIM UP ON A FUCKING DATE VALENTINES DAY IS ALSO COMING UP HE CANNOPT BE ALONE

sunshinemin: now dat u mention it yoongi told me dat lately hoseok hyung is kinda down

sunshinemin: i could set him up with someone

TaeTaeflower: we need someone whos as cheerful as him

goldencock: as hyperactive as him

TaeTaeflower: as hot as him which is gonna be hard cuz hobi is like a 23 out of 10

sunshinemin: ikr

goldencock: never said it but damn

TaeTaeflower: damn indeed

sunshinemin: I MIGHT HAVE SOMEONE

sunshinemin: so ok he's in my dance group hes kind of insane and really fond of dabbing for some reason??

sunshinemin: jackson's friend

sunshinemin: bambam

TaeTaeflower: ooooh the thai one

TaeTaeflower: he's a hottie

sunshinemin: yeah i might had sex with him once

sunshinemin: maybe twice

sunshinemin: ok maybe ten times but still

sunshinemin: i know hes got a thing for hoseok, kind of a crush

TaeTaeflower: youre a man on a mission chim

TaeTaeflower: get that thai ass for hoseok

goldencock: isnt bambam the one with like really good legs?

sunshinemin: thats the one

TaeTaeflower:

TaeTaeflower: really good legs uh

goldencock: UR LEGS ARE FAR MORE GOOD

goldencock: UR LEGS ARE PERFECT

TaeTaeflower: mmmmh

sunshinemin: good luck getting out of this boi

 

 

 

[HobiHyung]

 

 

Minnie: hyuuunnnngggg

Minnie: σ(≧ε≦o)

HobiHyung: what is up minnie?

Minnie: u know bambam right?

HobiHyung: dances like a slut, dabs too much and has really nice legs?

Minnie: yep

Minnie: i might have told him ur kind of single

HobiHyung: what.

Minnie: and bambam might have said that he wouldnt mind a date

HobiHyung: i mean

HobiHyung: idk Jimin

Minnie: oh for fuckssake

Minnie: u want a relationship im giving u one on a silver plate

Minnie:

Minnie: bambam doesnt have a gag reflex u know?

HobiHyung: so when is the date i cant wait

Minnie: ill give u his number ⌒°(❛ᴗ❛)°⌒

 

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

 

destroyermon: my love?

theprincess❀: yes my love?

destroyermon: can you please explain to me as to why every piece of furniture in the house has been made baby proof?

theprincess❀: cuz youre a fucking mess my love

destroyermon: i cannot believe this is the man i chose to spend the rest of my life with

theprincess❀: u love me really

destroyermon: id seel you to satan for a cornchip

theprincess❀: IS IT A DIVORCE U WANT

 

 

                                                    

 

 

theprincess❀: y cant i dance?

J-HOE: hyung come on ur not that bad

theprincess❀: my dance is mostly seizures

theprincess❀: like what would i do if i were in an idol group with these awful dance moves??

J-HOE: face like urs?

destroyermon: visual for fucking sure

theprincess❀: BUT THEN KOOKIE WOULD STILL ALL OF MY LINES

goldencock: r we seriously talking about dat again?

sunshinemin: why r u stealing your hyung's lines kook

yoongles: yeah kook why?

goldencock: I DONT WANT YOUR LINES GET THEM AWAY FROM ME

 

                                                  

 

 

J-HOE: i hate boys

J-HOE: they're all dicks

J-HOE: just dicks with really good legs

J-HOE: every single one of them

sunshinemin:

J-HOE: oh

J-HOE: nevermind he texted me back

J-HOE: this man right here has a date

TaeTaeflower: JOY AND GAYNESS IN THE REALM


 

                                                        

 

 

TaeTaeflower: IM HUNGRY

goldencock: hyung

TaeTaeflower: HUNGRY

goldencock: like we're getting breakfast rn

TaeTaeflower: THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW IM HUNGRY

theprincess❀: the world my ass, it's literally 7 of us

TaeTaeflower: BREAKFAST

goldencock: sorry guys he gets pissy when hes hungry


 

                                                 

 

 

TaeTaeflower: STILL HUNGRY

goldencock: you've had breakfast. Like a huge ass breakfast

TaeTaeflower: WANT MORE BREAKFAST

goldencock: you'll get fat

TaeTaeflower: WHATS “FAT”

goldencock: its what happend whe u eat too much food

TaeTaeflower: FAT SOUNDS AWESOME. LETS GET FAT

goldencock: * sigh *

goldencock: ill be out of my lecture in five can u hang on until then? Then we'll get fat together

TaeTaeflower: I WAIT

theprincess❀: RELATIONSHIP GOALS NAMJOON WHY ARENT WE LIKE THIS?!

destroyermon: BECAUSE U LITERALLY EAT ALL THE TIME AND STILL SOMEHOW MANAGE TO NOT GET FAT SO I STOPPED BEING THIS FUCKING CHEESY A LONG TIME AGO THATS WHAT MARRIAGE DOES HYUNG

 

 

 

[Sunshine]

 

 

 

MinYoongi: babe

MinYoongi: y arent u answering the phone u ok?

Sunshine: sorry i dropped my phone and i cant find it. Ill text u when i find it

MinYoongi: ok

MinYoongi: u found it yet

Sunshine: no.

MinYoongi: ok

MinYoongi: LISTEN TO ME YOU FUCKER ITS TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING FOR THIS IM NOT PLAYING GAMES

Sunshine: LMAO

Sunshine: I love you dont be mad

MinYoongi: fuck off

Sunshine: …

MinYoongi: im sorry i didnt mean that dont dump me i know im not worthy of you let me love you im a mess

Sunshine: youre so fucking adorable

MinYoongi: i am not.

Sunshine: u are

MinYoongi: i am a piece of ice

MinYoongi: fun and feelings are for losers

Sunshine: SO CUTE

 

 

 

[MYCHIMCHIM]

 

Tae: chim?

MYCHIMCHIM: wat

Tae: have u got chips in ur room?

MYCHIMCHIM: no.

Tae: I thought i heard a bag rustling from my room

MYCHIMCHIM: you were mistaken

Tae: I'll come and check

MYCHIMCHIM: FFS yes I have chips but they're mine tae, MINE.

Tae: it's ok

Tae: ill just come and watch you eat them

MYCHIMCHIM: WHAT ARE YOU A FUCKING DOG?!

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

 

theprincess❀: got a joke for yall

TaeTaeflower: deep sigh

theprincess❀: What did the ocean say to the shore?

theprincess❀: nothing

theprincess❀: he just waved

TaeTaeflower: im deactivating

goldencock: hyung srsl ur jokes are getting worse and worse

goldencock: like have u ever made a decent joke?

theprincess❀: i made you.

destroyermon: fucking REKT

TaeTaeflower: HYUNG U KILLED KOOKIE

TaeTaeflower: YOU BROKE HIM HES JUST STARING AT HIS PHONE

theprincess❀: thats what u get when u mess with The Princess.

 

 

 

[TaeTae]

 

 

jeonjj: taehyung where the fuck are u

jeonjj: you're late as fuck

TaeTae: IM RUHNNING

jeonjj: wait what

TaeTae: CHASING SOME GUY ON A BIKECICLE

jeonjj: ur chasing a guy on a bike

jeonjj: wait WHY ARE YOU CHASING A GUY ON A BIKE

TaeTae: I GOTTA

jeonjj: STOP

TaeTae: NEGATIVE. HE'S WEARING LYCRA SHORTS

TaeTae: I NEED TO BITE HIS ASS

jeonjj: where r u. we'll chase him together

TaeTae: JUST OUTSIDE CAMPUS GOING FOR THE MAIN STREET CATHC UP HES FUCKING FAST

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

J-HOE: going for my date yall

theprincess❀: have fun!

sunshinemin: buy condoms

yoongles: two types of people


 

                                                    

 

 

J-HOE: i'm back from my date yall

TaeTaeflower: sweet how did it go??

J-HOE: very well

J-HOE: bambam is funny af

sunshinemin: AWWW

sunshinemin: thats great what did u do??

J-HOE: went for lunch at a pizzeria

J-HOE: ate a lot

J-HOE: talked

J-HOE: then we went to his flat and fucked each other's brains out

yoongles: … on ur first date??

J-HOE: and the only date we'll ever have!

Sunshinemin: BUT U SAID IT WENT WELL

J-HOE: it did

J-HOE: but then i realized something

J-HOE: why the fuck would i want a relationship?

J-HOE: like jimin u might be a slut but i am the king of sluts. No. No, I'm the mother of sluts.

J-HOE: i walk of shame my way through life literally every day??

J-HOE: i dont want a relationship??? I just wanna fuck around im too young to have a relationship??????

sunshinemin: THEN WHY DID U SAY U WANTED A RELATIONSHIP

J-HOE: yeah about dat. When i said that it was bcs i hadnt got laid in like a full two weeks

J-HOE: i was just craving dick or pussy but my brain went OR MAYBE U WANT RELATIONSHIP but like nah

J-HOE: im good

yoongles: … u sure?

J-HOE: damn right

J-HOE: now if ull excuse me

J-HOE: bambam has a friend called youngjae and hello there nice piece of ass

sunshinemin: wow

sunshinemin: i feel like im not enough of a slut

sunshinemin: DO I NEED TO STEP UP MY GAME??

yoongles: oh god pls dont do u want me to die

 

Chapter Text

destroyermon: alright guys i gotta tell u something

destroyermon: and its important so push everything aside

TaeTaeflower: * pushes Jungkook *

goldencock: bro y did u push me

TaeTaeflower: cuz ur everything for me bro

goldencock: /bro/

destroyermon: please pay attention to me

destroyermon: its important

J-HOE: what is it

destroyermon: next weekend your mother and i are going on a little roadtrip

yoongles: sounds fun

destroyermon: it is

sunshinemin: when do we leave

destroyermon: yeah about that

TaeTaeflower: are we going to the beach or mountain??

goldencock: i kinda want to go to the beach

J-HOE: ikr

sunshinemin: busan is beautiful in winter

destroyermon: oh god guys

destroyermon: tahts the important thing

destroyermon: shit i dont know how to tell u without breaking ur tiny hearts

theprincess❀: ill do it

theprincess❀: children

theprincess❀: youre not fucking coming with us

destroyermon: THERW WERE BETTER AND NICER WAYS TO SAY IT but yah basically

sunshinemin: wait

sunshinemin: we're not coming

destroyermon: no

destroyermon: we want to have a nice weekend for ourselves

TaeTaeflower: but... we always come with u???

theprincess❀: not today bitches

J-HOE: wait does it mean we wont have you here for two whole days???

yoongles: what WILL WE DO ABOUT FOOD

theprincess❀: you'll cook for youselves

TaeTaeflower: WHATS COOKING I NEVER HEARD OF IT??

goldencock: HYUNGS WAIT TAEHYUNG DOESNT EVEN KNOW HOW TO BRUSH HIS OWN HAIR U CANT LEAVE US???

theprincess❀: ull be fine

TaeTaeflower: U JUST WANT TO BE ALONE SO THAT NAMJOON HYUNG CAN LICK YOUR FEET

theprincess❀: I DONT WANT HIM TO LICK MY FEET SINCE WHEN AM I A RECIPIENT FOR THIS FUCKING JOKE

destroyermon: the decision has been made

destroyermon: youll stay here

destroyermon: and we will have fun

sunshinemin: i am shocked and deeply offended

 

 

                                                       

 

 

sunshinemin: @yoongles are u a flower? Cuz this honeybee will suck you dry tonight

yoongles: i

sunshinemin: bzzzz bzzzz motherfucker

 

                                                           

 

 

destroyermon: well kids we're leaving

destroyermon: behave

TaeTaeflower: ur horrible parents

theprincess❀: if theres an emergency REAL EMERGENCIES u can call us

theprincess❀: but if its not an emergency i will ground you. :)

yoongles: WHY DO I FEEL LIKE HE MEANS IT IN THE LITERAL SENSE?

sunshinemin: have fun traitors

destroyermon: trust me we will

 

                                                        

 

 

goldencock: we tried cooking just now

goldencock: tae tried to make eggs but when i told him that chikens are born through eggs he started crying and said that eggs will never be cooked again under his roof

goldencock: i tried to explain that the chikens arent actually in the eggs but he didnt listen

goldencock: hes still crying and i feel like an ass

sunshinemin: mom and dad literally left three hours ago we cannot fail now

 

                                                     

 

 

yoongles: guys

yoongles: do you warm up the pot before you put water in it

yoongles: or do you light the fire once you already put the water in

sunshinemin: asking for a friend

J-HOE: google says you have to put the water first and then you start the fire

sunshinemin: we'll tell the friend

 

 

                                                            

 

 

yoongles: guys

yoongles: do you put the noodles inside the water before it boils or after

sunshinemin: once again we're asking for a friend

J-HOE: google says after

yoongles: oh

yoongles: that explains it then

goldencock: explains what

sunshinemin: this




 

TaeTaeflower: ur noodles are on fire

sunshinemin: yeah we noticed

 

 

[Private chat CYPHER PT QUEER]

 

 

 

yoongles: something weird happened

J-HOE: what

yoongles: so like this girl came up to me today, we're in de same composition class

yoongles: and we were chatting and she was nice and everything and then she said that we should grab lunch once in a while

J-HOE: oh

J-HOE: lol she asked u out poor girl

yoongles: oh so she did ask me out

yoongles: cuz i was kinda sleepy when she said that so i just said yeah sure and tomorrow we're having lunch together

J-HOE:

J-HOE: u agreed to a date... by accident

yoongles: apparently

J-HOE: well tell her that u cant go anymore

yoongles: but wouldnt that be kinda rude

yoongles: like i agreed so lets just do it and then thats it

J-HOE: bro i feel u but

destroyermon: BUT JIMIN WILL NOT FEEL U AT ALL

yoongles: arent u on a roadtrip

destroyermon: dont tell jin hes sleeping

destroyermon: still hyung how fucking clueless can u actually be to agree by accident to a date

yoongles: idek

yoongles: but y r u worried about jimin

destroyermon: hes gonna be jealous

J-HOE: rightly so

yoongles: nah once i explain it to him he' ll understannd

yoongles: besides damn i wish hed get jealous

yoongles: but he knows that no one else exists for me besides him, he doesnt get jealous

J-HOE: … right

destroyermon: good luck hyung

 

 

 

 

[Sunshine]

 

 

MinYoongi: hey babe

Sunshine: hey! When r u coming over? Im lonely and feeling cuddly

MinYoongi: soon

MinYoongi: give me half an hour

MinYoongi: but before dat i gotta tell u smth

MinYoongi: so... i might have agreed to a date by accident??

Sunshine: you did what?

MinYoongi: i didnt understand that she meant a date?? i was so fucking sleepy

Sunshine: lmao

Sunshine: oh man she must have been so pissed when u told her

MinYoongi: told her what?

Sunshine: dat ur not going to the date anymore cuz u know u have a boyfriend and everything

MinYoongi: but i am going to the date

Sunshine:

Sunshine: spell that out for me again love

MinYoongi: i mean it would be rude to say no last minute, dates tomorrow at lunch

MinYoongi: isnt it better if i go, humor her and then say i dont think that its gonna work out lets never do that again

MinYoongi: shes in my same class if i drop out like dis its gonna be awkward

Sunshine:

MinYoongi: wait are you jealous?

Sunshine: what?

Sunshine: nonono of course not its just that its such a funny situation lmao

Sunshine: now get over here i need cuddles

MinYoongi: ok

 

 

 

[Private chat CYPHER PT QUEER]

 

 

yoongles: hes not jealoud

yoongles: why should he be

yoongles: he knows hes the most precious thing in the world why should he be jealous what was i thinking

J-HOE: … right

 

 

 

[Private chat Yoonmin is my heartu]

 

 

sunshinemin: I MSA A JRELLSUD MESS I IEWNDLL FUCKDSIN ENDS HERD

goldencock: what the actual fuck

TaeTaeflower: i'll translate

TaeTaeflower: I AM A JEALOUS MESS I WILL FUCKING END HER

goldencock: how did u even manage to get a single word out of that mess

TaeTaeflower: he's my soulmate

TaeTaeflower: we're bonded

TaeTaeflower: now explain why ur jealoud and who is “her”

sunshinemin: YOONGI HYUNG AGREEED TO A DATE BY ACCIDENT QWITH THSI FUCKING BTITCH FROM HIS CLASS AND LIKE DOESNT SHE FUCKING KNOW THAT THATS MY MAN??

sunshinemin: oh my god he doesnt love me anymore

goldencock: like u literally said it was by accident so what the hell are you even saying

sunshinemin: BUT HES SITLL GOING SO I T MEANS HE LIKEDS HER MORE THAN ME

sunshinemin: why am i even surprised why should he love me like have you seen me

sunshinemin: im clingy as fuck

sunshinemin: and im a kinky bitch

sunshinemin: he probably doesnt even like being called oppa he just says he does to make me happy he probably hates it

goldencock: like no trust me he loves being called oppa dont worry about dat

goldencock: also seriously? Are we back at this again??

TaeTaeflower: minnie

TaeTaeflower: my bro

TaeTaeflower: my soulmate

TaeTaeflower: my bffl

TaeTaeflower: the honey to my bee

TaeTaeflower: the bottom to my top

goldencock: what the fuck

TaeTaeflower: my chimchim

TaeTaeflower: are you fucking stupid?

sunshinemin: DONT INSULTT ME I AM SAD

TaeTaeflower: look if it upsets u just tell him yoongi hyung loves you

sunshinemin: I DONT WANT TO SEEM JEALOUS

goldencock: but u are so

sunshinemin: EXACTLY EWHAT IF HE THINKSS IM BEING A KID OR IMMATURE

goldencock: listen knowing hyung if u tell him u r jealous hes gonna get a boner

TaeTaeflower: yeah like considering how fucking possessive he is when it comes to u

sunshinemin: HES NOTT POSSESSIVE HE DOESNT CARE ABOUT ME

sunshinemin: its over

sunshinemin: hes gonna fall in love with her

sunshinemin: o my god what if he lied to me and the folder J---N smiling is actually for her

TaeTaeflower: are you fucking kidding me

sunshinemin: JIMIN IS A UNISEX NAME

TaeTaeflower: OH MY FUCKING GOD JIMIN FOR FUCKS SAKE I AM ABOUT TO CUT YOUR COCK OFF I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT WE ARE BACK ON CHAPTER 1 AGAIN I WILL LITERALLY BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUN D

TaeTaeflower: TELL HIM UR JEALOUS

sunshinemin: … ill think about it

 

 

                                                             
 

 

 

 

 

sunshinemin: i...

sunshinemin: i fell asleep while we were cuddling

sunshinemin: and i woke up and hes taking a shower

sunshinemin: without me

sunshinemin: he always showers with me he doesnt want me anymore

TaeTaeflower: u LITERALLY SAID U WERE NAPPING HE JUST DIDNT WANT TO WAKE U UP DONT MAKE ME SLAP YOU JIMIN

 

                                                                

 

 

 

sunshinemin: HE DOESNT WANT ME ANYMORE

goldencock: listen hyung, like, me and tae r busy

sunshinemin: oh god did i interrupt u in the middle of fucking

goldencock: no

TaeTaeflower: we're trying to understand how to use the microwave this bitch is difficult

sunshinemin: YOONGI HYUNG DOESNT WANT ME ANYMORE

TaeTaeflower: oh god

sunshinemin: I CAME BACK HOME AND I WAS LIKE MAN IM REALLY TIRED SO YOONGI WAS LIKE GET IN BED AND I WAS LIKE TIME TO SUCK HIS DICK AND HE STOPPED ME???

goldencock: wait wat

sunshinemin: HE STOPPED ME FROM SUCKING HIM

TaeTaeflower: BUT WHY???

sunshinemin: SOME WEAKASS EXCUSE HE HAD

sunshinemin: you said youre tired, just go to sleep babe

sunshinemin: OR MAYBE IS IT BECAUSE U WANT /HER/ TO SUCK YOU OFF UH??!?

TaeTaeflower: or

TaeTaeflower: maybe

TaeTaeflower: it's becAUSE HES THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER AND WANTS YOU TO REST=???

goldencock: god why are you putting us through this again

goldencock: when's the date again

sunshinemin: TOMORROW. TOMORROW IS ALSO THE DAY MY RELATIONSHIP WILL END ITS BEEN REAL YALL

TaeTaeflower: JUST TELL HIM U DONT WANT HIM TO GO

sunshinemin: he doesnt love me anymore

sunshinemin: WHAT IF HE NEVER DID OH MY GOD

goldencock: u know what fuck this shit

 

 

                                                    

 

 

 

sunshinemin: yoongi left the flat five mins ago

sunshinemin: im crying my eyes out

goldencock: YOU DIDNT TELL HIM AFTER LAST NIGHT''???

sunshinemin: no cuz like maybe he wont like her and he'll come back to me

TaeTaeflower: dats it im fucking done

 

 

 

 

[THECOOLHYUNG]

 

 

Tae: HYUNG

THECOOLHYUNG: jesus christ tae what

Tae: WHERE THE FUCK DO U EVEN THINK UR GOING

THECOOLHYUNG: i have this thing to do

Tae: OH I KNOW WHAT YOU GOTTA DO

Tae: WHY ARENT U WITH JIMIN

THECOOLHYUNG: jimin knows about this tae i would never cheat on him tf hes too pure to precious too perfect

Tae: YEAH EYEAH WE KNOW HES THE APPLE TO YOUR PIE AND ALL THAT SHIT

THECOOLHYUNG: WHY AM I BEING ATTACKED??

Tae: JIM,IN IS A FUCKING IDIOT AND THOUGHT THAT IF HE SAID THAT HES JEALOUS UD THINK HES CLINGY AND NOW HE THINKS U FONT LOVE HIM ANYMORE BECAUSE U DIDNT LET HIM SUCK YOUR DICK

THECOOLHYUNG: what the

THECOOLHYUNG: HE WAS TIRED THATS WHY I DIDNT LET HIM SUCK M Y DICK HE LOOKED LIKE A SLEEPY PUPPY LIKE HE WOULDVE FALLEN ASLEEP WITH MY COCK IN HIS MOUTH

THECOOLHYUNG: wait hes jealous??

Tae: OF COURSE HE IS

Tae: … hyung?

Tae: hyung u there

THECOOLHYUNG: CANT TEOYPE I M RUN NNING

Tae: oh ok

 

 

 

[Sunshine]

 

MinYoongi: BABE

Sunshine: WHAT oH GOD DONT BREAK UP WITH ME

MinYoongi: I M COMSING BACK K

Sunshine: wait what about ur date

MinYoongi: WHO GIVWSA SHIT ABOTUE HER

MinYoongi: SORYR IM RUNGNING TYPING HARDS

MinYoongi: UR HEALOUS

MinYoongi: *HEALOUD

MinYoongi: *JEALOUUSA

MinYoongi: FUCKING HELL JEALOUS

Sunshine: whO TOLD YOU IM NOT WHOEVER TOLD YOU IS LYING I TRUST YOU

MinYoongi: ODNT BULLSHIT ME

MinYoongi: U R JEALOSU AND I KINDAA GOT A BONER FROM DAT

Sunshine: wait u dont think its clingy or immature

MinYoongi: ok i legit had to stop running to aswer this

MinYoongi: jimin

MinYoongi: you ARE clingy

MinYoongi: thats like one of the main reasons why i love u???

Sunshine: I AM HOWLING

MinYoongi: im coming over

MinYoongi: and ull suck my cock

MinYoongi: and then i'll eat u out

Sunshine: im already naked with my ass in the air come here

MinYoongi: shit i love you

MinYoongi: and oh i do have a boner for real now well this is awkward

Sunshine: ill taKE CARE OF ALL THE BONERS YOU'LL EVER HAVE COME HERE AND LOVE ME

 

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

theprincess❀: JUNG HOSEOK

theprincess❀: WHY THE FUCK DID YOU CALL ME IF IT WASNT AN EMERGENCY

J-HOE: BUT IT WAS

theprincess❀: hoseok. Running out of peanut butter and being sad about it because you dont feel like going out to buy more IS NOT AN EMERGENCY

J-HOE: HYUNG HELP ME

theprincess❀: no

J-HOE: BUT I CANT LIVE WITHOUT YOU

theprincess❀: then die

J-HOE: MOM

destroyermon: that was a little harsh honey

theprincess❀: … maybe

theprincess❀: wait

theprincess❀: yoongi and jimin BURNED FUCKING SPAGHETTIS?!

sunshinemin: we found out that hyung truly cannot cook

sunshinemin: but damn he can eat my ass like a fucking chef on a culinary trip

theprincess❀: YOU GOTTA THANK GOD THAT WE'RE COMING BACK TOMORROW OTHERWISE YOU'D DIE

theprincess❀: WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE EVEN EATING?!

goldencock: my boyfriend

TaeTaeflower: lots of lollipops but then one part of the candy was too sharp and it cut my tongue and i cried so i went back to dick

J-HOE: sadness and selfloathing

sunshinemin: yoongi's cock

yoongles: i actually had a muffin today so

theprincess❀: oh thanks god

yoongles: b ut mostly jimin's ass

theprincess❀: namjoon pack your shit we're coming back a day earlier

destroyermon: i fucking hate you all

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Text

sunshinemin: babe, u know how much i love deepthroating u but like it might have been a bad idea to do so the day before i have vocal class

yoongles:

yoongles: sunshine

sunshinemin: WHY DO I ALWAYS WRITE IN THE WRONG GODDAMN CHAT

J-HOE: nasty

 

                                                
 

 

TaeTaeflower: JEON JUNGKOOK

TaeTaeflower: GET HOM E NOEW AD GET T HESE FUCKING HA NDCUFFS OFF ME

goldencock: lmao

TaeTaeflower: DONT lmao ME U FUCKN PRICK DO U KNOW HOW FUCKN HARD IT I S TRO TYEP WHENNE UER HANDSS R OOVER UJRD HEAD

goldencock: lmao

TaeTaeflower: I WILL PEE ON E EVEERTTYHUNG U LOVOE

J-HOE: NASTY

J-HOE: at least he left the phone close to u

TaeTaeflower: IT WASSNT I HASDD TO TAKE IT WITHN MY FEET I STRETCHEDD A MUSCCLEE

 

                                                   

 

 

theprincess❀: joonie

destroyermon: wat

theprincess❀: why did a postman just leave here a box that contains a bondage set?

destroyermon: i

J-HOE: WTF

destroyermon: I DIDNT ORDER IT???

theprincess❀: well me neither

yoongles: oh

yoongles: oh shit so thats why i still didnt get it i think thats mine

theprincess❀: WHY IS IT IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE?!

yoongles: cuz i used ur credit card duh and i think my laptop has ur datas saved since that time i had to send over to ur house one of my music equip cuz i was back in daegu

theprincess❀: that makes sense come take it when u want

yoongles: sure

theprincess❀: wait YOU USED MY CREDIT CARD??

yoongles: gotta go fast

sunshinemin: bondage set?

yoongles: … surprise!

sunshinemin: best. Boyfriend. Ever.

J-HOE: N A S T Y

 

                                                   
 

 

J-HOE: right this is it

J-HOE: yall are fucking nasty and its time we finish this

J-HOE: I hereby announce the begininning of The Kink Games

goldencock: the what

J-HOE: The Kink Games. Taekook vs Yoonmin

yoongles: will someone ever explain to me wtf is a yoonmin like do u eat it??

sunshinemin: trust me hyung u definetely eat one part of the yoonmin

J-HOE: NASTY

yoongles: im confused

J-HOE: nevermind dat, lets talk about The Kink Games

J-HOE: everyday i will ask u guys kink related questions, u win if u have those kinks and the winner will be proclaimed at the end of the week.

J-HOE: the nastier u r the closer u r to winning

sunshinemin: im intrigued

sunshinemin: but whats the prize

J-HOE: the winners will not only win the title of THE NASTIEST, which is a big honor

yoongles: IS IT???

J-HOE: and with that title comes also the right to boast about their sex life in the groupchat. But those who lose gotta stfu about it for at least a month and a half

J-HOE: this way we'll limit the damage to a minimum ans save my poor brain

J-HOE: u on board

TaeTaeflower: yaaasss

sunshinemin: YES.

yoongles: why are u so excited about this

goldencock: dont ask hyung

TaeTaeflower: lol we already know whos gonna win

sunshinemin: ikr

sunshinemin: me and yoongi

TaeTaeflower: me and kookie

sunshinemin:

sunshinemin: bitch please

TaeTaeflower: bitch please?? BITCH PLEASE U ARE VANILLA AS FUCK COMPARED TO US

yoongles: err im sorry but there's nothing vanilla about us. U r the vanilla ones, u jave a fucking fetus for boyfriend

goldencock: fucking excuse me

sunshinemin: and hes in the gay life since what two minutes? He probably fingers u like he lost something inside ur ass and needs to get it back asap

TaeTaeflower: JUNGKOOK FINGERS ME LIKE A GOD

sunshinemin: WELL YOONGI HAS REALLY LONG FINGERS SO GUESS WHO GETS THE GOOD STUFF

goldencock: YEAH RIGHT KNOWING YOONGI HE PROBABLY FALLS ASLEEP WHILST HE FUCKS YOU

yoongles: HOW FUCKING DARE YOU YOU DISRESPECTFUL CHILD?! THEY MAY CALL ME MOTIONLESS MIN BUT I AINT MOTIONLESS WHEN I FUCK JIMIN INTO OBLIVION

sunshinemin: YOU TELL THEM BABE

J-HOE: let The Kink Games begin, may the blindfolds be ever in your favor.

 

 

                                                    


 

 

J-HOE: day 1 on The Kink Games

J-HOE: from district “taekook”, taehyung and jungkook

J-HOE: from district “yoonmin” yoongi and jimin

sunshinemin: bring it on

yoongles: sigh

TaeTaeflower: PREPARE TO DIE BITCHES

goldencock: DAMN RIGHT

yoongles: chill

J-HOE: the kink of the day is: spanking

sunshinemin: SIGN ME THE FUCK UP

TaeTaeflower: GOOD SHIT GOOD SHIT THATS SOME GOOD SHIT

J-HOE: ok lets hear it from the tops do u enjoy spanking them

goldencock: i mean

goldencock: sure yeah

yoongles: have u seen jimin's ass? Spanking him is an honor

J-HOE: so we have a tie

J-HOE: tell me how much u like it

J-HOE: remember be nasty

sunshinemin: yoongi has big hands and i have a big ass

sunshinemin: that alone should be enough

sunshinemin: and like it just feels really fucking good? I dont mind pain at all

yoongles: trust me he really doesnt

yoongles: i am kinda dominant so i just enjoy it

sunshinemin: “kinda” dominant, ive never met a more dom like person ever

sunshinemin: and i love it

J-HOE: fair enough

J-HOE: taekooks?

TaeTaeflower: tell them kookie

goldencock: i... what?

TaeTaeflower: you know /what/

goldencock: oh.

goldencock: well

goldencock: tae

goldencock: he

goldencock:

goldencock: I CANT SAY IT OUT LOUD IM STILL KINDA PURE OK??

TaeTaeflower: SO PRECIOUS

TaeTaeflower: well then ill say it

TaeTaeflower: once

TaeTaeflower: jungkook spanked me so hard and so good

TaeTaeflower: that i came untouched just from dat

sunshinemin: i

yoongles: what

J-HOE: THE WINNERS OF THE FIRST DAY OF THE KINK GAMES ARE JUNGKOOK AND TAE FROM DISTRICT TAEKOOK

sunshinemin: dammit

yoongles: oh my god is it my fault do i have to spank u better?? am i not a good spanker IS TAHT EVEN A WORD

sunshinemin: DONT LISTEN TO THEM YOU ARE THE BEST SPANKER

TaeTaeflower: suffer bitches

goldencock: this was a mistake

 


                                             

 

 

destroyermon: i feel dirty just by reading that shit

J-HOE: well ull be even dirtier

J-HOE: its the SECOND DAY OF THE KINKGAMES

J-HOE: are you ready?

TaeTaeflower: ready

sunshinemin: go for it

J-HOE: the kink of the day is: bondage

sunshinemin: BOI

yoongles: well we won

TaeTaeflower: oh fucking hell

goldencock:

J-HOE: oh! The taekooks dont have the kink???

sunshinemin: wait what

sunshinemin: tae i know for a fact ur into bondage

TaeTaeflower: i am, kookie isnt

goldencock: im sorry??

J-HOE: explain

goldencock: well we tried it once cuz tae told me he likes it

goldencock: but i just cant

yoongles: weak

goldencock: I GET ANXIOUS OKAY?? IM OVERPROTECTIVE SO I GOT ANXIOUS WHEN I SAW THAT THE ROPES LEFT TOO MANY MARKS HIS SKIN IS FUCKING DELICATE

TaeTaeflower: so fucking cute

J-HOE: im gonna take a wild guess and say that the yoonmins anjoy it

yoongles: i once left jimin tied up on the bed for two hours without touching him, i just looked at him

sunshinemin: i almost died best moment of my life

J-HOE: THE WINNERS FOR THIS ROUND ARE YOONGI AND JIMIN FROM DISTRICT YOONMIN

sunshinemin: what was that tae?

sunshinemin: oh yea

sunshinemin: suffer bitches

TaeTaeflower: dammit

 

                                              

 

 

destroyermon: but like yoongi hyung u always r very private about this shit

destroyermon: but now u just talk about ur sex life like dis??

yoongles: it makes me cringe

yoongles: but there is a prize and Jimin's slut honor on the line

yoongles: i wont hesitate

destroyermon: WOW

 

 

                                         

 

 

J-HOE: day 3

J-HOE: the kinf od the day is: vore

sunshinemin: no

goldencock: fuck no

TaeTaeflower: no

yoongles: get out no

J-HOE: WELL SHIT SORRY I WAS JUST ASKING

J-HOE: well for today is still 1-1

 

 

                                                 

 

 

theprincess❀: why do i have to witness such things

 

 

                                              

 

 

 

J-HOE: and we're back

J-HOE: the kink of the day is... blindfolds

sunshinemin: damn right

TaeTaeflower: like them

yoongles: before u even try speaking

yoongles: we win on this

goldencock: how do u know lmao

yoongles: cuz tae might have come untouched whilst getting spanked

yoongles: but i once blindfolded Jimin and just talked to him

yoongles: i barely laid a finger on him

TaeTaeflower: and... he came??

sunshinemin: i sure fucking did

goldencock: GODDAMMIT

J-HOE: THE YOONMIN TEAM WINS AGAIN!

J-HOE: stay tuned

 

 

                                                          

 


 

J-HOE: day 5 of The Kink Games

J-HOE: the kink of the day is: breathplay

yoongles: BOI

sunshinemin: SING ME THE FUCK UP

goldencock: stand back peasants

TaeTaeflower: LMAO

sunshinemin: WHAT?!

sunshinemin: TAE SINCE WHEN DO YOU LIKE BEING CHOKED

TaeTaeflower: eheheheh

TaeTaeflower: i dont

yoongles: oh

sunshinemin: OH

goldencock: i like it

goldencock: being choked

TaeTaeflower: and he looks fucking beautiful with a hand around his neck

J-HOE: THEY WIN JUST BECAUSE THIS WAS SO UNEXPECTED HOLY SHIT KOOKIE

J-HOE: and just like that we're tied again... should we just finish it?

sunshinemin: sure

TaeTaeflower: lets do it

J-HOE: watersports

sunshinemin: kinda fucking gross

TaeTaeflower: same

yoongles: not a big fan

goldencock: i will kinkshame you hoseok hyung

J-HOE: i dont like it either u smartass wow

J-HOE: ok then, cupping

TaeTaeflower: NO.

goldencock: he hates it

sunshinemin: sigh tell them why we cant do cupping hyung

yoongles: SUNSHINE YOUR SKIN IS TOO SENSITIVE I WILL NOT RUIN IT

J-HOE: fucking hell then idek

J-HOE: like surely none of u are so nasty but ill just throw it gunplay

sunshinemin: do we look like we have a gun

J-HOE: very true then knifeplay

TaeTaeflower: nah

goldencock: i get anxious with ropes can u imagine with a knife lol

J-HOE: well let me come up with another one

sunshinemin: err

sunshinemin: im sorry

sunshinemin: but why arent u waiting for me and yoongi to answer

J-HOE: … wait

yoongles: well

TaeTaeflower: no fucking way

yoongles: jimin REALLY likes the feeling of knives on his skin

sunshinemin: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

goldencock: YOU ARE SO FUCKING NASTY JIMIN HYUNG

sunshinemin: i am

J-HOE: WHAT THE WOW

J-HOE: ARE U FOR REAL

sunshinemin: it feels good, as long as ur careful, yoongi is great at dat

yoongles: i sure am

yoongles: he turns into a fucking mess when it comes to kinives

TaeTaeflower: we … we admit defeat

goldencock: yea

goldencock: ur the nastiest

sunshinemin: YES

J-HOE: it is decided then

J-HOE: the winners... of the Kink Games... ARE YOONGI AND JIMIN FROM DISTRICT YOONMIN

sunshinemin: HIGH FIVE BABE

yoongles: I MEAN I DONT EXACLTY FEEL PROUD BUT SURE

J-HOE: oh at least now we'll only have to put up with ur shit

TaeTaeflower: i feel... so vanilla

goldencock: yea except that u arent

goldencock: congrats hyungs

theprincess❀: err

theprincess❀: im sorry

theprincess❀: but why wasnt namjin in the competition??

J-HOE: lol hyung not for nothing, but u never boast about ur sex life here

sunshinemin: probably cuz its boring af

destroyermon: oh boi

theprincess❀: boring

theprincess❀: well

theprincess❀: first of all me and joonie r into every single kink u mentioned except vore and watersports

sunshinemin: wait wat

theprincess❀: but its not only dat

theprincess❀: its time we come clean about something

destroyermon: hyung... u dont mean that...

theprincess❀: its time joonie

theprincess❀: i have to say something guys

theprincess❀: u remember how much we enjoy dissing namjoons foot fetish?

TaeTaeflower: lmao of course

theprincess❀: he doesnt have it

J-HOE: wait forreal??

theprincess❀: yes

destroyermon: hyung... u dont have to do this...

theprincess❀: it is time my love

theprincess❀: its not namjoon who has a foot fetish

theprincess❀: its me

yoongles: you

sunshinemin: mom what the actual shit are u saying

theprincess❀: namjoon wrote converse high because its a song about me

theprincess❀: he then put up with ur slander to protect my reputation

theprincess❀: but the truth is: i fucking love feet and especially namjoon's feet

TaeTaeflower: i...

 

goldencock left the chat WE DEM BOYZ

 

J-HOE: I ANNOUNCE THE /REAL/ WINNERS OF THE KINK GAMES! NAMJOON AND JIN FROM DISTRICT NAMJIN

destroyermon: im proud of u hyung

theprincess❀: thank u joonie

theprincess❀: now get those pretty feet here

destroyermon: yessir

sunshinemin: MOM DAD NO

yoongles: aWHY ARE U SO DISGUSTING

 

 

 

Chapter Text

[TaeTae]

 

jeonjj: taehyung

TaeTae: yea babe?

jeonjj: i came to ur flat

jeonjj: to surprise u when ud get back from classes

jeonjj: but like why the fuck is there a puppy in your room

TaeTae:

jeonjj: tae.

TaeTae: what is a puppy ive never seen one

jeonjj: taehyung where did u get that puppy

TaeTae: he came by himself

jeonjj: no puppies dont open doors and then sit on an obviously hand made setee

jeonjj: so where did u find it

TaeTae:

jeonjj: TAEHYUNG DID U STEAL THIS DOG

TaeTae: HE WAS WALKING AROUND CAMPUS AND HE LOOKED SO LOST AND SAD I JUST WANTED TO GIVE HIM SOME FOOD BUT THEN HE STARTED FOLLOWING ME AND THATS DOG LANGUAGE FOR “I WANT TO BE WITH THIS HUMAN NOW”

jeonjj: SINCE WHEN DOES IT MEAN THAT?!

TaeTae: IT DOES I SPEAK DOG

jeonjj: ok im gonna put this dog back where u found it so u dont end up in jail

TaeTae: BUT HE'S OUR SON

jeonjj: NO HES NOT.

TaeTae: … im coming, we'll bring him back there together

jeonjj: good boy

TaeTae: … r u talking to me or the dog

jeonjj: you

 

 

 

 

[Jungkookie❤]

 

 

Tae: enjoying your muffin?

Jungkookie❤: yeah, where r u?

Tae: thats not importantt

Tae: what does the muffin taste liek

Jungkookie❤: blueberry

Tae: and?

Jungkookie❤: thats it blueberry

Tae: and...

Jungkookie❤: DID YOU LICK THIS?!

Tae: like A LOLLIPOP LMAO

Jungkookie❤: I HATE YOU

Tae: * GASP *

Tae: ゚。・゚ヾ(゚`ェ´゚)ノ。゚・。

Jungkookie❤: IM SORRY DONT CRY I DONT HATE YOU I LOVE YOU A LOT

Tae: ill buy u another muffin pls dont hate me 。・゚・(*ノД`*)・゚・。

Jungkookie❤: I DONT DONT WORRY I DONT NEED ANOTHER MUFFIN I NEED U

Tae: lmao u so goddamn weak

Jungkookie❤: UR SUCH AN ASSHOLE

 

 

                                                         

 

 

 

 

 

Tae: morning!

Jungkookie❤: hey im coming to get u so we can have breakfast

Tae: perfect

Tae: do u love me today as well?

Jungkookie❤: yep

Tae: see u in ten! ✿♥‿♥✿

 

 

 

[TaeTae]

 

 

jeonjj: tae

TaeTae: ??

jeonjj: roses or daisies

TaeTae: daisies

jeonjj: okay just wondering what i should put on your casket once i murder dat ass

TaeTae: BOI

 

 

                                                        

 

 

 

TaeTae: KOOKIE

TaeTae: 。゚(*´□`)゚。

jeonjj: what happened who hurt you who the fuck do i have to kill give me a name taehyung

TaeTae: SOMET HINF INCFREDIBLY SASD HAPPENNDDED

jeonjj: what sad thing happened, tae talk to me

TaeTae: MY HICNE3REAM FELSL

jeonjj: ??????

jeonjj: I DONT UNDERSTAND???

TaeTae: MY ICECREAM

jeonjj: WHAT ABOUT IT?!

TaeTae: IT FELL

jeonjj: … your icecream fell

TaeTae: I HAD JUSST GOT IT I WAS SO HAPPY BUTTHEN A GUY RAN INTO ME CUZ HE WAS LATE FOR CLASS NAD MY ICECEREAM FELL

TaeTae: IM CRYING ON MY KNEES IN FRONT OF THE CORPSE OF MY ICECREAM

jeonjj: dont cry, im coming over and im buying you a new 1 and ill shield u from people so that they dont make your icecream fall ok

TaeTae: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

 

J-HOE: once upon a time this chat was a place of culture, music and friendship

J-HOE: now it turned into a nasty as fuck hotline

theprincess❀: oh come now hoseokie its not that bad

J-HOE: don't u have some feet to lick

theprincess❀: I

destroyermon: ARE YOU KINKSHAMING MY WIFE

J-HOE: what if I am uh?

destroyermon: YOU STAY WHEREVER THE FUCK YOU ARE, IM ABOUT TO DECK YOU

theprincess❀: DEFEND MY WOUNDED HONOR MY LOVE

 

 

                                                            

 

 

 

 

sunshinemin: yoongi hyung where are you

sunshinemin: you r late and u arent answering the phone

goldencock: maybe he ran away from u

sunshinemin: why would he do that

goldencock: got tired of u

sunshinemin: no

goldencock: ur too clingy hyung

sunshinemin: I AM BUT HE LIKES IT

goldencock: what if he lied

sunshinemin: he didnt

goldencock: hes about to break up with you jimin hyung

sunshinemin: HES NOT WHY ARE U SAYING THIS SHIT

goldencock: he doesnt like ur pink hair

sunshinemin: OMG I KNEW IT YOONGI PLS LOVE ME DONT LEAVE ME IM A MESS I CANT EVEN COOK PASTA

sunshinemin: OH MY GOD HE LEFT ME HASNT HE I AM ENDING MY LIFE

yoongles: MY PHONE DIED I WENT BACK TO CHARGE IT IM COMING GIVE ME TEN MINUTES IM NOT BREAKING UP WITH YOU I LOVE YOUR PINK HAIR AND ILL NEVER GET TIRED OF YOU

sunshinemin: 。゚(゚´Д`゚)゚。

yoongles: DONT CRY IM COMING

goldencock: lmao

yoongles: jeon jungkook.

J-HOE: oh shit

yoongles: If I were you I would go to sleep with my eyes open.

goldencock: fuck

J-HOE: A GRAMATICALLY CORRECT SENTENCE UR IN DEEP SHIT KOOK

 

 

[TaeTae]

 

 

jeonjj: love

jeonjj: i done fucked up i made jimin cry i was just messing with him but yoongi hyung is on to me he'll kill me

TaeTae: oh shit

TaeTae: … jungkook

TaeTae: being your boyfriend was amazing

jeonjj: ARE U JUST GIVING UP ON ME LIKE WTF YOU AINT EVEN TRYING TO PROTECT ME??

TaeTae: babe... do u want me to die as well?

jeonjj: … no i dont, go hide somewhere be safe never forget of all the good rimming

TaeTae: never.

 

 

[Jungkookie❤]

 

 

Jungkookie❤: babe

Jungkookie❤: is that u outside my window

Tae: yes

Jungkookie❤: why

Tae: i like watching you when u bench press

Jungkookie❤: you're so weird just get inside

 

 

                                                   

 

 

Tae: do you love me today as well?

Jungkookie❤: of course

Tae: good

 

 

 

 

 

 

[TaeTae]

 

 

jeonjj: babe sorry if i havent seen u all day ive been so busy

TaeTae: lol its ok

jeonjj: im coming over with pizza yea? How was ur day

TaeTae: fun day. Ran around the house in a cape. Im BaTTae

jeonjj: where did u get the cape

TaeTae: i think roleplay helps me alleviate my boredom. I feel so alive

jeonjj: WHERE DID U GET THE CAPE

TaeTae: I PULLED THE CURTAINS DOWN. JESUS WHY CANT U JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME

jeonjj: TAEHYUNG.

 

 

                                                

 

 

 

TaeTae: jungkook

TaeTae: theres someone in my flat and its not jimkin cos hes with yoongi

jeonjj: wait what

jeonjj: hide somewhere im coming, dont make any noise

TaeTae: im scared

jeonjj: its ok dont worry

TaeTae: i dont even have my dildo as a weapon

jeonjj: im calling the fucking police pls dont move

TaeTae: oh

TaeTae: oh wait nevermind

TaeTae: it was my shadow

jeonjj: I ALMOST HAD A FUCKING HEART ATTACK

TaeTae: sorry im really tired today lol

jeonjj: DONT LOL ME U GODDAMN ASSHOLE I WAS ABOUT TO SEND THE SWAT TEAM

 

 

[Jungkookie❤]

 

 

Tae: IT RAINED

Jungkookie❤: i noticed

Tae: I AM AT UR PLACE ROOMMATE LET ME IN

Tae: GOT WET OUTSIDE

Jungkookie❤: ok?

Tae: GONNA ROLL ON YOUR BED

Jungkookie❤: do not

Tae: GONNA SHAKE IN THE LIVING ROOM

Jungkookie❤: WHAT ARE YOU A FUCKING DOG DONT SHAKE

Tae: IMMA SHAKE LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE

Jungkookie❤: TAEHYUNG

Tae: WOW WHO SOAKED THE LIVINGROOM

Jungkookie❤: why are u like this

 

 

                                                           

 

 

 

 

Jungkookie❤: fuck

Jungkookie❤: like we're together

Jungkookie❤: for real

Tae: lol u just realized?

Jungkookie❤: no but like sometimes i remember and how the fuck am i so blessed i dont deserve u??? youre so pretty i could die and every day with u is so weird in the best way possible im so in love

Tae:

Jungkookie❤: im emotional rn

Tae: wanna come over and cuddle?

Jungkookie❤: ill be there in 5

 

 

 

[TaeTae]

 

 

jeonjj: taehyung I see u barking at the dog from the coffee shop stop

TaeTae: WE ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION

jeonjj: do not make me come here and forcibly remove you from the dog

TaeTae: well i mean u know i love being carried

TaeTae: especially if my legs are wrapped around your hips

jeonjj: keep barking at the dog im coming to forcibly remove you

TaeTae: YES PLEASE

 

                                                      

 

 

 

 

 

jeonjj: hey i thought u were coming over for dinner

TaeTae: sorry i dont feel very well i think i might saty home

jeonjj: want me to come and check on u? Ill bring u soup

TaeTae: no its fine

jeonjj: tae r u ok? What happened?

TaeTae: nothing

jeonjj: right sure

TaeTae: its stupid

jeonjj: just tell me

TaeTae: was at rehearsals for the play and we had a break and i was excited so i started making whale noises cuz u know im good at that

jeonjj: u make the best whale noises yes

TaeTae: theres this guy that plays a minor character and i know hes mad at me cuz i snitched the main character role from him but he came up to me and asked me if im crazy. So i was like not really im just excited and

TaeTae: look its really nothing ok

jeonjj: tell me anyways

TaeTae: he said “oh so youre just plain stupid”

TaeTae: and i couldnt even say something back i dont know why i froze

TaeTae: i know that im tiring to be around cuz im always on edge and i dont concentrate well but ive been heraing im stupid since fucking grade school and idk it just upset me

TaeTae: told u its nothing

jeonjj: ok, first thing first next time theres rehearsals im coming with u and chat with this dude

TaeTae: lol pls dont u overprotective coconut

jeonjj: second thing, ur not stupid

jeonjj: u r the smartest person i know, so dont let it get to you

jeonjj: and u got that part cuz ur good, and ur whale noises are amazing and if he doesnt appreciate them its because hes an idiot with no taste for art

TaeTae: ok

TaeTae: ur the only person who never called me stupid, even jimin did once

jeonjj: dats bcs im the best boyfriend ever obviously

TaeTae: can the best boyfriend make dinner then? Cuz im starving

jeonjj: its already done tbh i have blankets and studio ghibli movies

TaeTae: u know me so well ill be there in ten

 

 

 

[Jungkookie❤]

 

 

Tae: where are u???

Jungkookie❤: where am i??? WHERE ARE YOU???

Tae: im home eating poptarts

Jungkookie❤: IM AT THE PARK

Tae: what are you doing there?

Jungkookie❤: TAEHYUNG WE WERE NAPPING AND THE I WOKE UP AND U WERE GONE

Tae: oh yeah

Tae: i was real fucking hungry

Jungkookie❤: U LEFT ME THERE FOR POPTARTS AND THEN FORGOT YOU LEFT ME THERE?!

Tae: yeah

Jungkookie❤: ur brain is so weird i love it

 

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

J-HOE: today a guy asked me money for a blowjob

destroyermon: oh my god?

J-HOE: i said “i dont do that shit” and then he said “no no... ILL PAY YOU IF U LET ME SUCK YOU”

J-HOE: so i told him “look buddy, imma say yes if u give me 70 bucks” and like it took a lot of smart business but in the end i made it and left with 70 dollars and a stellar blowjob

destroyermon: what the actual fuck

goldencock: who gives a shit about dat look at this

goldencock:



 

goldencock: like he doesnt even try how is this possible

goldencock: looking like a motherfucking etheral fairy we arent worthy

J-HOE: PRECIOUS PERSON LOOK AT HIM BEING WHIPPED

goldencock: so whipped

TaeTaeflower: and just like that u earned urself the deepthroating of a lifetime

J-HOE: and nevermind they're back at being nasty

 

 

 

[Jungkookie❤]

 

 

Tae: do u love me today as well?

Jungkookie❤: of course I do, Tae

Tae: good

Chapter Text

[Private Chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

 

TaeTaeflower: do u think bees know how precious to the environment they are?

J-HOE: go to sleep

 


                                        

 

 

destroyermon: something... disgusting happened

goldencock: ???

destroyermon: I went to the library... had a book to borrow...

destroyermon: and there they were

yoongles: wait namjoon dont

destroyermon: i saw them with my own two naked eyeballs

destroyermon: in the philosophy section... in the darkest corner... where only I usually go...

TaeTaeflower: damn these dots are making me anxious

destroyermon: i saw them

destroyermon: yoongi and jimin

destroyermon: FUCKING

sunshinemin: HYUNG WHY WOULD U EXPOSE US

J-HOE: BOI

yoongles: you better say your last words to jin hyung cuz im going to haunt you

destroyermon: it was honestly... the most disgusting thing ever...

sunshinemin: well thats a bit harsh

destroyermon: I SAW YOUR ASS JIMIN

sunshinemin: i know

sunshinemin: you're welcome

destroyermon: AND I SAW YOONGI HYUNG'S DICK AND REALLY THAT WAS NOT SOMETHING I NEEDED TO SEE

sunshinemin: once again YOU ARE VERY WELCOME

yoongles: sunshine please dont

J-HOE: but why in the library thats just nasty

sunshinemin: … yea dat might be my fault

TaeTaeflower: lmao jimin is such a nasty

TaeTaeflower: hes into exibitionism

yoongles: damn right he is

destroyermon: YOU WERENT EVEN FUCKING QUIET YOU WERE LOUD AS FUCK I HAD MY HEADPHONES ON AND I COULD STILL HEAR THEM LIKE IT MAKES SENSE NOW THAT THE LIBRARY WAS EMPTY

destroyermon: ESPECIALLY YOU JIMIN GODDAMN YOUR SO FUCKING LOUD

yoongles: he is

destroyermon: AND THE SHIT HE SAYS IS EVEN NASTIER THAN HIM

destroyermon: LIKE SERIOUSLY JIMIN YOU NEED TO CHILL

sunshinemin: … its not like i can control it

destroyermon: I GET IT BUT FUCKSAKE YOUR VOICE WILL BE IN MY NIGHTMARES FOREVER YOONGI HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT DEAF YET

yoongles: … fucking excuse me namjoon

yoongles: are you disrespecting the sounds jimin makes?

J-HOE: oh shit

destroyermon: i

yoongles: where are you namjoon i will find you and i will make you deaf forreal

theprincess❀: aaaah public sex... remember when we did that namjoon?

destroyermon: /HYUNG/

 

 

                                            

 

 

sunshinemin: my kink is yoongi saying “be healthy” or “please be healthy” in his rap when he wants to say “fuck you” to whoever it is he's roasting

yoongles: I'm …

yoongles: i'm so moved sunshine

 

 

                                                

 

 

TaeTaeflower: quick question

TaeTaeflower: is it illegal to have sex in a changing room

sunshinemin: what the actual fuck

goldencock: … hyung

destroyermon: i mean when i worked in dat nightclub and jin blew me i got in trouble

theprincess❀: they fired you

destroyermon: WELL IT WASNT MY FAULT YOU WERE HORNY

TaeTaeflower: ok

TaeTaeflower: but is it /illegal/

destroyermon: do i look like a motherfucking lawyer to you

sunshinemin: its public sex, how can it be legal tae

yoongles: why are u asking tho

TaeTaeflower: cant a man have fantasies?

goldencock: /TAEHYUNG/

 

                                             

 

 

theprincess❀: hey yall wanna come over for dinner tomorrow?

J-HOE: free food duh

theprincess❀: I FEEL USED

theprincess❀: still, what about u all

TaeTaeflower: aye aye captain

goldencock: sure

yoongles: k

yoongles: jimin, u coming yeah?

goldencock: … its been 5 minutes

goldencock: jimin hyung never lets yoongi hyung wait for more than 5 seconds

theprincess❀: oh my god WAS HE KIDNAPPED

yoongles: can u not

theprincess❀: A GANG KIDNAPPED HIM AND THEY'LL SELL HIM TO A BROTHEL AND JIMIN WILL BECOME THE SUGAR BABY OF A CHINESE SADISTIC ASSHOLE AND THEN A DRUGLORD WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM AND SAVE HIM

yoongles: you read too many fanfictions ALSO AGAIN CAN U NOT

yoongles: hes probably just busy ill call him

J-HOE: jin hyung can u link me this fic im intrigued

theprincess❀: http://archiveofourown.org/works/10438683

theprincess❀: go and sin

 

 

[Taehyung]

 

 

MinYoongi: hey i tried calling jimin but his phone is dead

MinYoongi: u know where he is

Taehyung: about dat

Taehyung: i just got home and jimin is locked in his room and doesnt want to come out

MinYoongi: what

Taehyung: i dont know whasts wrong

Taehyung: he sound kinda down

MinYoongi: should i come over?

Taehyung: i asked him already, he said he doesnt want you to see him like this??

Taehyung: im kinda worried, ill try and investigate yeah?

MinYoongi: tell him to call me if he wants me to come

Taehyung: sure

 

 

 

TaeTaeflower created the chat JIMIN'S PROTECTION SQUAD

 

TaeTaeflower added yoongles, goldencock, J-HOE, destroyermon,❀theprincess❀ to the chat JIMIN'S PROTECTION SQUAD

 

 

[Private chat JIMIN'S PROTECTION SQUAD]

 

 

TaeTaeflower: ALLRIGHT HOES THIS IS FUCKING IMPORTANT

yoongles: you found out???

TaeTaeflower: I SURE FUCKING FID AND LET ME TELL U I AM IN RAGE

TaeTaeflower: IM ABOUT TO BURN THIS UNIVERSITY TO THE GROUND

goldencock: whats going on??

J-HOE: same im confused

yoongles: TELL ME WHO HURT HIM

TaeTaeflower: SO OK JIMIN WAS DOWN AS FUCK WHEN I CAME HOM E LIKE LOCKED IN HIS ROOM KINDA DOWN AS FUCK

TaeTaeflower: NAD AFTER LIKE A FULL HOUR HE TOLD ME WHAT HAPPENED

TaeTaeflower: THERES THIS GUY IN HIS DANCE CLASS, HOSEOK HYUNG KNOES HIM TOO, HIS NAMES HONGBIN

J-HOE: yea i know him hes a nice guy

TaeTaeflower: … nice

TaeTaeflower: nice guy

J-HOE: … maybe he isnt?

TaeTaeflower: NICE GUY MY ASS

TaeTaeflower: ok so heres what happened. Apparently this hongbin has a thing for jimin cuz he asked him out

yoongles: these goddamn piece of oxygen waste did what

TaeTaeflower: and jimin obviously told him fuck that i have a boyfriend

TaeTaeflower: and hongbin, being the nice guy he is, you know what he said to jimin?

TaeTaeflower: “since when does a slut like you start a real relationship?”

theprincess❀: … what the fuck did that piece of rotten trash said to my son? (✿◕‿◕✿)

theprincess❀: (ʘ ‿ ʘ)ノ✿ babe hold my GODDAMN FLOWER

destroyermon: ✿\(。-_-。) DONT WORRY BABE I GOT YO FLOWER

TaeTaeflower: AND JIMIN WAS LIKE “I KNOW IT SHOULDNT GET TO ME CUZ IM THE FIRST PERSON WHO SAYS IM A SLUT BUT SOMETIMES I CANT HELP BUT THINK THAT MAYBE YOONGI ONE DAY WILL THINK THE SAME AND LEAVE ME”

TaeTaeflower: so thats what happened

yoongles: is that so

yoongles: i see

yoongles: it is clear that this hongbin wishes me to shove up his asshole a cone of pringles coated in sand.

J-HOE: why is he so fucking scary when he's calm

TaeTaeflower: do not worry guys

TaeTaeflower: I created this group because I have a plan

goldencock: what plan babe

TaeTaeflower: we're going to ruin this fucking asshole

yoongles: wait does this plan include murder

TaeTaeflower: what no

yoongles: why not?

TaeTaeflower: WE CANT GO TO JAIL YOONGI HYUNG IM TOO PRETTY AND DELICATE FOR JAIL

goldencock: thats true

yoongles: goddammit

yoongles: ok sure whats this plan

 

 

 

 

 

[S.Hong]

 

 

jeonjj: hey u hongbin yeah? Dance department

S.Hong: err yea whos this

jeonjj: im jungkook, hoseoks friend, i come dance at the studio sometimes

S.Hong: oh yea i remember u

S.Hong: hoseok gave u my number?

jeonjj: yea i had to ask you a favor

S.Hong: sure dude whatsup

jeonjj: can you go in the middle of a very dark alley and maybe get robbed?

S.Hong: fucking excuse me

jeonjj: or how about this, how about you stay exactly ehre you are and i come and spit in your eye

jeonjj: even better, i could spit in your eye WHILE you get robbed in a very dark alley

S.Hong: your fucking insane the fuck is this for i dont even know you

jeonjj: im sure that if you think about it youll figure it out

jeonjj: in the meantime, here comes the spitting

S.Hong: im blocking the shit out of you

 

 

 

[S.Hong]

 

Tae: once I accidentally killed a moth and I cried about it for three days

S.Hong: … pretty sure you got the wrong number buddy

Tae: no i dont

Tae: once i accidentally ripped the page of a book my friend lended me and i cried about it for like four days

S.Hong: … good for you

Tae: once I accidentally stepped on a puppy's tail and I cried myself to sleep for a whole month

S.Hong: tragic can u leave me alone

Tae: but then once

Tae: at the beginning of my now boyfriend's first year of college

Tae: a guy called him a fag and spat at his feet

Tae: now my boyfriend doesn't know about this, but the next day I went to that guy's flat

Tae: and I hit him in the face with a baseball bat.

Tae: broke his nose and everything, there was blood everywhere, it wasnt pretty

S.Hong: what the fuck dude

Tae: all of this to say, that if I do something accidentally its usually really harmless and I cry everytime

Tae: but when I do something intentionally, I break bones and I most definetely don't cry about it.

Tae: and I still have that baseball bat. And I really feel like using it on you

Tae: except that I will break your leg

S.Hong: what the fuck is wrong with you u goddamn psycho

S.Hong: hey u there??

Tae: I can smell you Hongbin

S.Hong: fuck this shit im blocking you

 

 

[S.Hong]

 

 

PinkJin: did you know that poisoning food is the easiest way of killing someone? You can use literally anything, and they wont realize if you're careful enough. Especially if you use the right dose of rat poison, that shit really does wonders. If you put enough in like kimchi stew, the taste of the stew will be strong enough to cover the rat poison and you wont notice that bite after bite your kidneys are slowly falling apart.

PinkJin: maybe I should poison your food, Hongbin.

S.Hong: right is this some kind of prank? Who are you people and what the fuck do you want?

PinkJin: someone told me you mistreated my friend

PinkJin: thats shitty Hongbin. Especially because you always have lunch at the place where I work.

PinkJin: who knows what I'll put in your coffee next time

S.Hong: right, i get more shit like this and I will call the fucking police

 

 

 

[S.Hong]

 

 

Namjj: im gonna be quick

Namjj: I own a gun and I know people

S.Hong: fuck you I know you, your namjoon, hoseoks friend

S.Hong: and this is a fucking prank so ahahaah yeah u got me there

S.Hong: hoseoks fucking dead

Namjj: yea

Namjj: a prank.

 

 

 

[S.Hong]

 

 

MinYoongi: err hey

S.Hong: who the fuck is this now

MinYoongi: chill dude, Im hoseoks friend

MinYoongi: heard that my friends were giving u a hard time

S.Hong: they fucking were

MinYoongi: im sorry about that man, it was a stupid fucking bet, and they're all drunk as fuck pls ignore them

MinYoongi: really man im sorry, dont worry about them

S.Hong: mm k

S.Hong: sure, i know we do crazy shit when we're wasted

S.Hong: its cool, just dont wanna see them ever

MinYoongi: yeah i see ur point

MinYoongi: but really, you dont have to worry about them

MinYoongi: no let me rephrase

MinYoongi: its not them you need to be worry about

MinYoongi: but me

S.Hong: the fuck

MinYoongi: i see you have quite the collection of vinil records

S.Hong: how the fuck do u know

MinYoongi: wouldnt it be a shame if I burned them all?

S.Hong: wait are you in my fucking apartment

MinYoongi: yep, breaking in is easy, you might need a new door tho

MinYoongi: also, bro, you need to put a password on your fucking laptop cuz I just sent your porn history to ur parents

MinYoongi: and to everyone on your contacts list

MinYoongi: also, your taste is nasty as fuck

S.Hong: WHAT THE FUCK

S.Hong: IM CALLING THE POLICE YOU PIECE OF SHIT

MinYoongi: no you wont.

MinYoongi: you do that and I might just tell your girlfriend that you asked a guy out today

MinYoongi: ur also a shitty boyfriend wow

S.Hong: how the fuck do you know this??

MinYoongi: oh, im the boyfriend of the guy you asked out

MinYoongi: and then proceeded to call a slut because he said no to you

MinYoongi: and really, I could've let it slide if it were only for you hitting on literally the only good thing I have in life

MinYoongi: but the moment you manage to upset him, now thats when I burn your shit and expose you for being the piece of shit you are

MinYoongi: i see u ever getting close to him again I can promise you that you wont like the results

MinYoongi: Because Namjoon does own a gun. And you dont want to know where that gun has been or for what purposes it has been used

S.Hong: you people are fucking insane and twisted

MinYoongi: oh we are

MinYoongi: we really fucking are

MinYoongi: also, i might have pissed on your bed, have a nice one

 

 

 

[S.Hong]

 

 

Hoseokseok: I see you anywhere near the dance studio again, I will fucking murder you there.

S.Hong: I FUCKING GOT IT GODDAMN I WILL NEVER GET CLOSE TO JIMIN AGAIN I SWEAR PLEASE TELL THAT TO MIN YOONGI

Hoseokseok: go fuck a cactus

 

 

[Private chat JIMIN'S PROTECTION SQUAD]

 

 

theprincess❀: … did we go a little overboard?

TaeTaeflower: nah its fine

goldencock: yea the prick deserved it

J-HOE: besides its not like we'd do anything of the things we said

J-HOE: i mean, we could

J-HOE: but we're not gonna

destroyermon: true

yoongles: dont know about u guys but i did piss on his bed and sent the porn history to his parents

destroyermon:

TaeTaeflower: FUCKING SAVAGE YOU GODDAMN GANGSTA

yoongles: i didnt burn his vinil records cuz that shits good

yoongles: but I stole like a lot of them

yoongles: and it was a really long piss

goldencock: cooold bloded

J-HOE: y are we so fucking scary

 

 

 

[Sunshine]

 

 

MinYoongi: hongbin wont bother you anymore

Sunshine: … tae told u?

MinYoongi: yes

MinYoongi: I wont leave you

MinYoongi: but like ever im not fucking dumb

MinYoongi: im the one who doesnt deserve u seriously why are you even with me

Sunshine: because I love you, it works like that hyung

MinYoongi: so im outside your flat how about you open

Sunshine: i look like shit and feel like shit

MinYoongi: you never look like shit

MinYoongi: also i dont care if you do

MinYoongi: also

MinYoongi: god this is awkward

MinYoongi: you wanna hear the song i wrote for you cause yes i wrote a song for you

Sunshine: KJDBNEUIFBWCND

Sunshine: WHY ARES YOU SO PRECISOUS IM OPENING IM COMING I LOVE YOU

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

sunshinemin: hey guys

sunshinemin: quick question

sunshinemin: i saw hongbin today on campus and he saw me and ran away with a look of sheer terror anyone knows anything about it

TaeTaeflower: no

goldencock: whos hongbin never heard of him

sunshinemin: ok

sunshinemin: then what about this rumor that someone pissed on his bed?

yoongles: i have no idea what youre talking about

J-HOE: whats a bed?

destroyermon: whats piss?

theprincess❀: you guys wanna come over for dinner?

sunshinemin: sure

TaeTaeflower: we'll bring soju

sunshinemin: i love you all you shady bitches

Chapter Text

[ Yoongi ♡]

 

 

Minnie: hyung

Yoongi♡: hey sunshine

Yoongi♡: I'll be at ur flat in like half an hour

Minnie: actually, don't bother.

Yoongi♡: Wait are you ok

Minnie: we need to talk yoongi

Yoongi♡: ok?

Minnie: I've been thinking about this for a very long time, and I don't think we're working

Minnie: we're too different

Minnie: I don't think you're really in love with me

Minnie: I think I care about you way more than you do about me, you never tell me you actually love me, you're emotionally constipated and I thought I could put up with it but I can't.

Yoongi: i

Yoongi♡: it's my fault, isn't it?

Yoongi♡: I'm sorry

 

 

                                          

 

 

Minnie: ur late and i'm starving where's my pizza

Minnie: wait what

Minnie: THAT WAS NOT ME

Minnie: HYUNG

Minnie: FUCKING TAEHYUGN STOLSE MY PHONE ITS NOT ME COME BACK ITS NOT YOUR FAULT WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT I LOVE YOU ONT LEAVE ME WHERE ARE YOU

Minnie: WHY ARENT U ANDERING UYOUR FUCKING PHONE

Minnie: MIN YOONGI

Minnie: OPPA

Minnie: i'm calling hoseok and we're gonna send a rescue team u hear me

Yoongi♡: I

Yoongi♡: I think I had a heart attack

Minnie: OH MY GOD YOURE ALIVE

Minnie: HOW COULD U EVEN BELIEVE THAT SHIT ARE YOU STUPID?!

Yoongi♡: I

Yoongi♡: no for real i think i had a heart attack i just woke up on the floor

Minnie: WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND WHY THE FUCK YOU KEEP FAINTING OKAY WHAT THE SHIT

Yoongi♡: so you dont want to break up with me

Minnie: OF COURSE NOT ID RATHER HAVE JUNGFETUS STICK HIS COCK UP MY ASS THAN LEAVE YOU

Yoongi♡:

Yoongi♡: I mean thats a weird example but ok

Yoongi♡: but its true that im emotionally constipated

Minnie: yeah but i dont care you have other ways to show me you love me

Yoongi♡: yeah?

Yoongi♡: Like what

Minnie: Like rimming me whenever i feel down

Yoongi♡: fuck i love you you know me so well

Minnie: now let me quickly go and cut Taehyungie's dick off yeah? ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

 

 

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

 

TaeTaeflower: goodmorning ppl

TaeTaeflower: @jungcock how is the prettiest boy of south korea doing?

jungcock: i don't know tae, how are you doing?

TaeTaeflower: KYAAAAAAAH o(≧∇≦o)

J-HOE: its too early in the morning for this japanese high schoolgirl bullshit

 

                                    
 

 

jungcock: guys

jungcock: i think i finally understood the perfect algorithm of the hyung's rapping

yoongles: really

jungcock: yep

jungcock: here i go

jungcock: @destroyermon extensive literature knowledge, imma beat that pussy like you never ever felt before, emo shit

destroyermon: im not even gonna riot, this is too real

jungcock: @yoongles talks about daegu, talks about daegu again, deep lyrics, heavy breathing, keeps sending hints that he's not straight, hiccups

yoongles: very true

jungcock: @J-HOE car noises

J-HOE: am I beING ATTACKED BY A FETUS?!

sunshinemin: yoongi: I'm like, sending hints that I'm not straight CYPHER PT.3: WHETHER YOU'RE A BOY OR A GIRL MY TONGUE WILL MAKE YOU CUM

yoongles: there are people who still think that was a metaphor

yoongles: like no that was me reminding everyone that i eat ass and pussy like a pro

sunshinemin: damn FUCKING RIGHT

theprincess❀: it's only monday, please, everyone chill


 

                                              
 

 

sunshinemin: god i just had like the longest most annoying phone call ever with my dad it was unbearable

yoongles: ??? you didnt call me tho???

TaeTaeflower:

yoongles: oh

yoongles: oh like your dad, not your /dad/

sunshinemin: HYUNG

theprincess❀: thats it I'm deactivating

 

                                         

 

 

jungcock: mom

jungcock: moooooooooom

theprincess❀: * sighs * what

jungcock: i want you to make me some cookies with glaze on them pls

theprincess❀: and i want you to get more than 30 at the next english test

J-HOE: wow

 

                                          
 

 

TaeTaeflower: i'm reWATCHING FROZEN YALL

J-HOE: i know i can hear you singing and I live in another fucking condo

TaeTaeflower: WITH YOU, WITH YOU

TaeTaeflower: WITH ME, WITH ME

TaeTaeflower: LOVE IS AN OPEN DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR

sunshinemin: close it

TaeTaeflower: WHAT HAVE I DONE TO BE TREATED LIKE THIOS?!

jungcock: jimin i will fucking fight you

yoongles: you will do what you goddamn overgrown coconut headed cabbage?

jungcock: i will kiss the ground where jimin walks hyung

 

                                           
 

 

TaeTaeflower: but like

TaeTaeflower: can vegans eat out their partner??

TaeTaeflower: or does it go against their belief?

J-HOE:

J-HOE: what the actual fuck are you talking about

yoongles: nono, this is a valid point

sunshinemin: i mean its not like they're actually eating them

jungcock: in a way they are

TaeTaeflower: ive been thinking about it all day i cant stop

destroyermon: this raises a lot of interesting points

theprincess❀: children please

 

                                         

 

 

sunshinemin: just realized

sunshinemin: chicken noodle soup is just pasta with obstacles

destroyermon: my life is just pasta with obstacles

sunshinemin: … u allright there hyung

theprincess❀: ignore him he just managed to break his toothbrush and hes feeling emotional about it

destroyermon: why am I cursed?

 

 

                                         

 

 

jungcock: if me and tae dont answer our phones is bcs we're watching a movie

J-HOE: noted

 

                                     

 

 

TaeTaeflower: audio.mp3

yoongles: werent they busy?

yoongles: what the fuckening

J-HOE: … is dat

sunshinemin: DID THEY RECORD THEMSELVE FUCKING?!?!

sunshinemin: OH MY GOD

destroyermon: MOTHERFUCK OF A SHIT TAEHYUNG JUNGKOOK WHY

yoongles: THIS IS SO NASTY???

yoongles: oh my god taehyung calls jungkook senpai

sunshinemin: WAIT DID JUNGKOOK ACTUALLY SAY “you look so lewd with your cock sticking out the skirt”

sunshinemin: IS TAEHYUNG WEARING A SKIRT?!

theprincess❀: I AM YOUR MOTHER I DO NOT NEED TO HEAR SUCH THINGS?!?!!!

theprincess❀: woah shit they're so nasty what the fuck

theprincess❀: i thought you and yoongi were disgusting but these two take the cake

sunshinemin: … i feel so defeated

sunshinemin: hyung we need to step up our game

yoongles: DO YOU WANT ME TO SEE JESUS JIMIN?!

 

 

                                              

 

 

jungcock: … so

jungcock: that was a mistake

jungcock: we did not mean... to send it... it was an accident

TaeTaeflower: we are sorry

TaeTaeflower: truly

sunshinemin: were you wearing a skirt?

TaeTaeflower: actually, i was wearing this

TaeTaeflower:



 

J-HOE: BOI

jungcock: he looks fucking good in it

sunshinemin:

yoongles: no

sunshinemin: hyung

yoongles: no.

sunshinemin: with those legs of yours... you'd look so good in it

yoongles: not gonna happen

sunshinemin: oh so you dont want me to fuck you whilst you wear a uniform like that

yoongles:

J-HOE: HES THINKING ABOUT IT

destroyermon: HYUNG

TaeTaeflower: WAIT SINCE FUCKING WHEN DO YOU TOP JIMIN

sunshinemin: if im in the mood

sunshinemin: and yoongi looks good bottoming

yoongles: i gotta say i am quite the bottom when i want to

sunshinemin: hes bossy as fuck even when he bottoms its so hot

sunshinemin: so about the uniform

yoongles: fuck it

yoongles: just buy one, make it black

sunshinemin: IS IT CHRISTMAS ALREADY??

theprincess❀: I want to delete this conversation

 

 

                                         

 

 

destroyermon: hyung

theprincess❀: tell me love

destroyermon: would you do anything for me?

theprincess❀: I'd walk through fire for you

destroyermon: … really??

theprincess❀: well not like /actual/ fire cause thats dangerous

theprincess❀: but a super humid room

theprincess❀: but not too humid, because my hair

destroyermon: forget i asked anything

 

                                        
 

 

TaeTaeflower: im pretty sure a crow and a cat are having a conversation right outside my flat

TaeTaeflower: yep i see them

TaeTaeflower: wow they look passionate af

TaeTaeflower: what could they be talking abput? Politics? Movies? Dogs?

TaeTaeflower: its good to see that even amongst animals race or species doesn't matter when it comes to friendship and thABDXYIEWDH

jungcock: ????

TaeTaeflower: THE CAT JUST FUCKIGN ATTACKDEE THE RAVEND

TaeTaeflower: THE CAT ATE THE RAVEN I REPEAT THE CAT ATE THE RAVEN

destroyermon: a true metaphor of our society

 

 

 

 

[♡Yoongi♡]

 

 

Minnie: i feel weird

Yoongi♡: ???? like how weird are you okay???

Minnie: yeah im good

Minnie: its just

Minnie: oh there it is

Minnie: i want to cum... but like

Minnie: emotionally

Yoongi♡: right ok next time i fuck you ill make it real emotional

Yoongi♡: im talking candles, rose petals, me telling you how much i love you every second, so when you cum its gonna be emotional

Minnie: … i mean not exactly what i meant but yeah, lets do that

Minnie: love you so fucking much

Yoongi♡: love you too

Minnie: i know

Minnie: oppa

Minnie:

Minnie: yoongi?

Minnie: DID YOU FUCKING FAINT AGAIN?!

 

 

 

Chapter Text

[Private Chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

TaeTaeflower: JIMIN'S SPOTIFY PLAYLIST IS LEGIT THE PLAYLIST OF A STRIPPER IS2G, ONLY 18+ PEOPLE CAN HEAR IT WHAT A SLUT INDEED THIS HAS BEEN A PSA

yoongles: I

sunshinemin: WHY WOULD YOU EXPOSE ME I THOUGHT WE WERE BROS

 

 

 

                                                

 

 

 

J-HOE: yall

TaeTaeflower:

J-HOE: what u guys doing tomorrow?

theprincess❀: suffering

sunshinemin: sucking dick

yoongles: eating ass

TaeTaeflower: I WILL CHASE BUTTERFLIES!

goldencock: I guess I'l,l watch tae chase butterflies

destroyermon: bro I don't even know what i'm doing /right now/

J-HOE: you know what forget i asked

 

 

                                                   

 

 

TaeTaeflower: i have so many questions in my mind lately

TaeTaeflower: like

TaeTaeflower: if you say you feel nothing... doesn't it mean that you felt that you feel nothing?

J-HOE:

goldencock: babe

destroyermon: this actually opens up a whole string of thoughts and possible explanations that vary in different topics, I actually thought about it once and I reached a conclusion

 

 

goldencock, J-HOE, TaeTaeflower left the chat WE DEM BOYZ

 

destroyermon: the conclusion is that u can all go fuck urselves

 

 

                                                   

 

 

theprincess❀ added J-HOE, TaeTaeflower and goldencock to the chat WE DEM BOYZ

 

 

                                                    

 

 

 

TaeTaeflower: if you hit yourself and it hurts are you strong or are you weak?

sunshinemin: literally fuck off

goldencock: the fuck did u say to my boyfriend?

yoongles: the fuck did you say to my boyfriend?

goldencock: absolutely nothing hyung

sunshinemin: weak.

 

 

                                                      

 

 

 

sunshinemin: i have a question too

destroyermon: what is it

theprincess❀: tell us son

sunshinemin: i mean yoongi probs has the answer @yoongles

yoongles: what is it sunshine

sunshinemin: my ass looks like a peach yea?

yoongles: the best peach

sunshinemin: does it also taste as sweet ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

yoongles: I

J-HOE: he's having a fucking seizure on the couch is2g

destroyermon: u know what im deactivating

 

 

                                                  

 

 

TaeTaeflower: if cinderella's shoe fit perfectly then why did it fall off when she ran away

goldencock: it's 2 in the fucking morning go to sleep

 

 

                                                      

 

 

 

 

 

theprincess❀: you know what i have a question too

theprincess❀: in your point of view, what is the height of stupidity

yoongles: namjoon, how tall are you

J-HOE: BOI.

destroyermon: i hope a pidgeon shits on your head today

 

 

 

                                                      

 

 

 

destroyermon: question

destroyermon: who's quick at math

TaeTaeflower: i am

destroyermon: good whats 38 x 76

TaeTaeflower: 24

destroyermon:

destroyermon: THATS NOT EVEN CLOSE???

TaeTaeflower: but I was quick

theprincess❀: this kid could talk himself out of a fucking murder im telling u

 

 

                                                    

 

 

 

 

TaeTaeflower: why does god hate me?

J-HOE: ???

goldencock: love what happened

TaeTaeflower: my candy

goldencock: what about it

TaeTaeflower: it fell

TaeTaeflower: it was my last candy and it fell

sunshinemin: * giggles *

goldencock: ARE YOU HAVING A CHEEKY GIGGLE MATE

sunshinemin: damn, chill benedict cumberbatch

TaeTaeflower: benedict cucumberbatch

sunshinemin: speaking of cucumbers

yoongles: say no more

theprincess❀: i want to shove bleach in my eyes

 

 

 

[CoconutBoi]

 

 

MinYoongi: yah kook

CoconutBoi: what is it hyung

MinYoongi: i gotta ask u something

MinYoongi: you tell someone about this I will shove a whole cabbage up your asshole

CoconutBoi: damn hyung

MinYoongi: u do all sorts of romantic shit for tae right?

CoconutBoi: sure, he likes romantic things

MinYoongi: well so does Jimin

MinYoongi: but im the worst at romantic gestures so

MinYoongi: … you know

CoconutBoi: … do i?

MinYoongi: give me advice. What romantic thing could i do for him?

CoconutBoi: oh! Sure ok first of all u could take him out for dinner somewhere fancy

MinYoongi: im broke

CoconutBoi: okay then how about u write a song for him

MinYoongi: been there done that

CoconutBoi: … how about a weekend out? Like a roadtrip or something

MinYoongi: do i look like i have a car?

CoconutBoi: right. Well tae loves this, a huge plushie that says something sweet? Like I love u and shit

MinYoongi: do you want me to die of cringe?

CoconutBoi: OH! I KNOW! Me and tae do it all the time, i take him to the park and we look at pollen falling from the trees cause it looks like snow, its really cool!

MinYoongi: jimin is allergic to pollen

CoconutBoi: then fucking eat his ass after you threw rose petals at his face im fucking done with this shit

MinYoongi: BOY I OUGHTA KICK UR PREBUSCENT ASS

 

 

[Private chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

TaeTaeflower: CHOGIWAAAA

J-HOE: why?!

TaeTaeflower: why not?

J-HOE: he always gets away with this shit unfuckingbelievable this is why we don't take u anywhere

 

 

                                                

 

 

theprincess❀: but the real question is

theprincess❀: why does namjoon have such beautiful feet?

goldencock: ????

J-HOE: PLEASE STOP

 

destroyermon left WE DEM BOYZ

 

 

sunshinemin: IM CHOKING

yoongles: you arent. But u will soon.

sunshinemin: gotta go fast catch ya later boys

J-HOE: STOP

TaeTaeflower: you could say he's … CHOKINWAAAAA

J-HOE: why are we like this

 

Chapter Text

[PRIVATE CHAT WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

 

 

TaeTaeflower: oh kookie is dat u

goldencock: what

TaeTaeflower: i see u over there on a bench coming to u

goldencock: … taehyung I'm home????

goldencock: like what

sunshinemin: what kinda twilight zone bullshit is this

TaeTaeflower: oh nevermind

TaeTaeflower: it was a seagull

goldencock: WHY WOULD YOU ROAST ME I THOUGHT U LOVED ME

 

 

 

                                                      

 

 

 

yoongles: i hate my professor

yoongles: fucking stupid middle aged piece of shit

sunshinemin: what happened? Which bitch do I have to cut?

J-HOE: why are u so scary when u use correct grammars

yoongles: “u cant say this in a song mr. Min” “you can't write about things like this mr. Min” fuck outta here

destroyermon: ok but what did u write about in the song

yoongles: about jimin's fat ass. but like in a very poetic way

destroyermon: im fucking speechless

sunshinemin: me too

sunshinemin: i cant speak cuz IM CRYING SO MUCH IM SO MOVED?? I LOVE YOU SO MUCH??

yoongles: me too sunshine

J-HOE: why am I your friend

 

 

                                                                  

 

 

 

 

TaeTaeflower: 


 

TaeTaeflower: oh hey jimin didnt know u went to the beach

sunshinemin: hwecewchw

goldencock: damn hyung thats a good picture of u

sunshinemin: WHAT IS THIS SLANDER

TaeTaeflower: @yoongles is dis how jimin looks when he waits for u to eat him out

yoongles: …

yoongles: i mean

sunshinemin: HYUNG

yoongles: wasnt i the one who took that picture of u

sunshinemin: I WILL DUMP YOUR PRETTY PERKY ASS MIN YOONGI

yoongles: I WAS JOKING DONT LEAVE ME

theprincess❀: relationships fall so quickly

 

 

                                                          

 

 

 

 

theprincess❀: @goldencock question

theprincess❀: do ur hands tremble when u touch taehyung

goldencock: what

theprincess❀: do u quiver?

goldencock: what the fuck u on about hyung

destroyermon: ignore him he just read the sequel of that fic he linked to hoseok and he's emotional

theprincess❀: the characters had a lot in common with u my babies

J-HOE: THERES A SEQUEL?

theprincess❀: and smut as well go and sin http://archiveofourown.org/works/10847667

destroyermon: sigh

 

 

                                                   

 

 

 

sunshinemin: ALLRIGHT HOES GATHER ROUND

TaeTaeflower: IM FUCKING LIVID

goldencock: oh god

theprincess❀: ????

sunshinemin: TELL THEM YOONGI HYUNG

yoongles: sigh

yoongles: ok so me jimin, junkook and tae went to get coffee together cuz tae was annoying me saying he wanted a double date or some bullshit like that

TaeTaeflower: IT ISN T AHD FBULLSHIT DSITS IDMPOIRTANT

yoongles: anyways like everything was going normal but then this guy came up and said “hello pretty”

J-HOE: oh boi

yoongles: and like i dont know what happened but

goldencock: both me and yoongi hyung said “thanks” at the same time. The guy looked confused as fuck

TaeTaeflower: tbh im confused too like he was talking to either me or jimin why did u say thanks

yoongles: obvsl to piss him off like get ur greasy hands off my boyfriend the fuck

goldencock: yeah

goldencock: anyways the guy left and we just laughed about it until tae asked “but who was he talking to?” and yoongi was like “obviously jimin”

TaeTaeflower: and THAT PISSED ME OFF C UZ WHAT IF HE WAS TALKING TO ME

sunshinemin: bitch HE WASNT

TaeTaeflower: HOW DO U KNOW

sunshinemin: IM PRETTIER THAN YOU

TaeTaeflower: * loud shocked gasp *

yoongles: this has been going on for quite a while

goldencock: so yeah tae and jimin want to know whos the prettiest

J-HOE: ok

J-HOE: as I do not have any suicidal tendencies i shall not answer this question

 

destroyermon left WE DEM BOYZ

 

TaeTaeflower added destroyermon to WE DEM BOYZ

 

 

destroyermon: i cant read suddenly, i dont know

theprincess❀: my babies are both the prettiest i will not answer such a question

TaeTaeflower: WHY

theprincess❀: its like if i asked you who do u prefer me or your father? You could never answer that

sunshinemin: yeah we can we like dad more

TaeTaeflower: yeah no doubts he buys us candies

theprincess❀: then u know what ur both fucking ugly go fuck a sharp object

J-HOE: goddamn

J-HOE: still u guys are both hot and pretty so just figure this out by yourselves

goldencock: seriously lets end this

yoongles: yeah its stupid

goldencock: after all we both know whos the prettiest and like, im saying this with no biased judgement whatsoever

yoongles: exactly

goldencock: tae

yoongles: jimin

yoongles:

goldencock:

destroyermon: oh no

yoongles: what the actual fuck did u just say you fucking coconut on steroids

goldencock: i could ask you the same thing u skinny pale looking weak excuse of a rapper

yoongles: oh u did not just say that

goldencock: what u wanna go

yoongles: yeah i wanna FUCKING GO

yoongles: JIMIN IS LIKE 500 TIMES PRETTIER THAN TAE-I CANT EVEN SPELL MY OWN NAME- HYUNG

TaeTaeflower: THE AUDACITY

goldencock: FUCK OFF TAEHYUNG IS 1000 TIMES MORE BEAUTIFUL AND PRETTY THAN PARK – IM NOT A SLUT BUT I WILL SUCK DICKS FOR FREE – JIMIN

sunshinemin: BOI I OUGHTA KICK YOUR MOUTH

J-HOE: why does this keep happening

destroyermon: cant we just say they are both equally attractive?

yoongles: i dont tell lies

J-HOE: DAMNNNNNNN

goldencock: oh its on hyung

yoongles: fucking fight me u third grader

 

                                                             

 

 

goldencock: proof number 1 that tae is the prettiest



 

goldencock: look at dat

goldencock: look at him with red hair a fucking god amongst humans

TaeTaeflower: KYAAAAAAAAAH

yoongles: o u wanna go with the red hair bitch


 

yoongles: case closed

sunshinemin: U TELL THEM BABE also where did u even find that pic?

goldencock: LOOK AT THESE LEGS



 

sunshinemin: whats a BTS

TaeTaeflower: * shrugs *

yoongles: BITCH LOOK AT THESE /THIGHS/

Risultati immagini per jimin's thighs

 

TaeTaeflower: he wins on that lets not fool each other

goldencock: goddamit

goldencock: then check out these eyes

Risultati immagini per taehyung's eyes

 

goldencock: check and mate

yoongles: you check out this motherfucking masterpiece of an ass

Risultati immagini per jimin's ass

 

J-HOE: the jibooty strikes again

goldencock: CHECK OUT THIS FUCKING BONE STRUCTURE AMERICAS NEXT TOP MODEL WHO I ONLY KNOW KIM TAEHYUNG also pics taken by me cuz im a fucking genius

Immagine correlata

sunshinemin: ok guys enough come on this is getting ridiculous

TaeTaeflower: yeah like lets stop we could go on and on for ages

TaeTaeflower: lets just agree we're both hot

sunshinemin: yeah this is weird i feel sexually assaulted

yoongles: … if u say so

yoongles: i still think u r the prettiest

sunshinemin: i know u do

goldencock: same for me tae

TaeTaeflower: well ud better think that

TaeTaeflower: anyways me and minnie might be on the same level about attractiveness

TaeTaeflower: but we both know whos got that premium next level shit when it comes to boyfriends

sunshinemin: of course

TaeTaeflower: me

sunshinemin: me

J-HOE: Oh no

TaeTaeflower: Park Jimin.

sunshinemin: Kim Taehyung.

TaeTaeflower: MEET ME OUTSIDE YOU WHINY ASS SWITCH BITCH

sunshinemin: I SURE FUCKING WILL YOU NEEDY ASS BOTTOM SLUT

destroyermon: i want to erase my existence

destroyermon: like Jin hyung is next to me and he's legit refusing to log in, thats how much hes done with ur bullshit

 

 


                                                     




 

J-HOE: so like i was at class yeah? And i was going through my bag and i found some salsa dip? Probably stole it from a restaurant a few days ago

J-HOE: so i was like “anyone have some chips so we can dip them into this salsa?” and no one answered but then this dude just kind of sighed and said “i do” and got a bag of chips out of his sports bag?

J-HOE: and we ate them together. And he's hot. Like 100/100 hottie

J-HOE: i might be in love

yoongles: thats cool whats his name

J-HOE: dont know we ate in total silence

J-HOE: but hes hot

J-HOE: ill find out who he is and then ill marry him and we'll adopt seven dogs

sunshinemin: what happened to the mother of sluts

J-HOE: this slut could settle down if that meant i get to touch that ass everyday

goldencock: wow

J-HOE: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯




                                                            




TaeTaeflower: oh... who is this?

Immagine correlata

 

TaeTaeflower: JUST THE HOTTEST PRETTIEST BOYFRIEND

yoongles: oh no

sunshinemin: bitch



 

sunshinemin: u gotta elevate ur fucking standards

TaeTaeflower: how fucking dare u

sunshinemin: im sorry... i don't speak “whipped for coconuts” so i dont know what u said

TaeTaeflower: I WILL SQUEEZE A WHOLE WATERMELON UP YOUR ASS

sunshinemin: DO U WANT TO KILL ME

sunshinemin: i see how it is

Immagine correlata
 

sunshinemin: oh yea truly the prettiest boyfriend

goldencock: THATS A LOW BLOW

TaeTaeflower: is dis how u gon play?

Risultati immagini per min yoongi derp

 

yoongles: i

sunshinemin: AT LEAST IM NOT DATING A WEIRD ASS SEAGULL/COCONUT/FETUS HYBRID

TaeTaeflower: AT LEAST MY BOYFRIEND ACTUALLY MOVES WHEN HE FUCKS ME

sunshinemin: I WILL LET U KNOW THAT YOPNGI HYUNG MOVES /A LOT/ WHEN HE FUCKS ME

yoongles: i want the sweet release of death

theprincess❀: allright thats it

theprincess❀: step back u basic fucking bitches

theprincess❀: I AM THE PRETTIEST BOYFRIEND


Risultati immagini per kim seokjin 2016
 

TaeTaeflower: FUCK

sunshinemin: I'M BLINDED

destroyermon: THATS MA MAN YALL

yoongles: well shit

goldencock: ur right mom... ur the prettiest boyfriend

theprincess❀: damn fucking right i am

theprincess❀: learn. Your. Place.

theprincess❀: (*^▽^*)

J-HOE: that's scary. That's SO FUCKING SCARY I CAN FEEL THE THREAT

theprincess❀: .

TaeTaeflower: HOLY SHIT

J-HOE: HE JUST SENT A SINGLE DOT, I REPEAT, HE JUST SENT A SINGLE FUCKING DOT I AM ESCAPING THE COUNTRY

 

 

 

                                                          

Chapter Text

[PRIVATE CHAT WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

J-HOE: yall

J-HOE: it's mister steal your girl here

sunshinemin: what even

goldencock: oh look, “too thirsty to function” showed up as well

sunshinemin: oh look, “I have a tiny dick but somehow still get laid” still doesnt know when to stfu

TaeTaeflower: /LIES/

J-HOE: hey

J-HOE: guys

J-HOE: I was talking.

goldencock: we r sorry hyung we'll never interrupt u again we promise i swear on tae's ass

TaeTaeflower: WHY WOULD U PUT MY PERKY BUTT IN DANGER

sunshinemin: y dont u swear on ur dick?

sunshinemin: oh right

sunshinemin: its too tiny so u cant even swear upon it

goldencock: WHY R U TTACKING JUNGCOCK?!

sunshinemin: dont know felt like it

J-HOE: (◕◡◕✿)

J-HOE: (ʘ ‿ ʘ ✿)

J-HOE: (ʘ ‿ ʘ)ノ✿

sunshinemin: we r so sorry hyung pls speak dont kill me i still havent eaten yoongi out i cant die now

goldencock: yoongi: /chokes/

J-HOE: so i just wanted yall to know that im on a quest to find the salsa dip hottie

destroyermon: that sounds like a terrible porn title

J-HOE: i will dip my chip in his salsa anytime he wants me to

theprincess❀: my oh my where did i put the bleach

J-HOE: anyways ill keep u updated

TaeTaeflower: pls do im invested in this shit

yoongles: i

yoongles: eat me out

sunshinemin: is that a question?

yoongles: no

yoongles: its a demand

sunshinemin: FUCK

theprincess❀: aaaaah here it is, found the bleach god bless

 

                                                     

 

 

goldencock: a concept

goldencock: taehyung in high waisted jeans and a croptop

TaeTaeflower: u had me at “a concept”

 

                                                       

 

 

theprincess❀: hey u guys r coming over for dinner tonight yea

goldencock: of course, taehyung has been living off marshmallows for the past 2 weeks he needs real food

theprincess❀: HOW IS HE EVEN ALIVE

theprincess❀: AND WHY ARE U ALLOWING HIM TO EAT JUST THAT

goldencock: he gets pouty if i take the marshmallows away

TaeTaeflower: THEYRE SOFT AND PINK THEYRE PRETTY I LIKE THEM I DONT WANT TO EAT ANYTHING ELSE

theprincess❀: YOU'RE GROUNDED

TaeTaeflower: YOU CANT GROUND ME IM 22

theprincess❀: FUCKING WATCH ME

sunshinemin: hyung i might be a little late for dinner but ill be there

yoongles: why r u gun be late tho

sunshinemin: i have dance practice

J-HOE: ???

J-HOE: no we dont

sunshinemin: not with u hyung, im preparing for the showcase with taemin

J-HOE: aaaah got it

 

 

 

[PRIVATE CHAT CYPHER PT. QUEER]

 

 

yoongles: who the fuck is taemin and which bitch do i have to fucking demolish

destroyermon: omg hyung chill

destroyermon: whoever this taemin dude is he stands no chance against u like, jimin literally sees only u

J-HOE: this is taemin

Risultati immagini per taemin selcas
 

yoongles:

destroyermon:

destroyermon: hyung, how long have u been with jimin

yoongles: a little more than two months

destroyermon: i hope u treasured them cuz u stand no chance

yoongles: ill go dig my grave

 

 

 

[PRIVATE CHAT WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

J-HOE: YALL

J-HOE: IM JUNGSHOOK

goldencock: that meme is dead pls

J-HOE: OH MY GOD GUYS OH MAN HOLY SHIT

yoongles: whats happening now

J-HOE: I SAW HIM AGAIN! I found him! Salsa dip hottie!

TaeTaeflower: not a sentence u hear every day

theprincess❀: SPILL. THIS. MOTHERFUCKING. TEA.

sunshinemin: can someone find jin hyung's chill?

J-HOE: so okay im walking around yeah? Im on campus, minding my own business, drinking coffee and thats when i noticee someone walking in front of me, someone with really good hair

J-HOE: so i thought “dammmmnnnn this girl is tall, has a nice body and great hair! Gotta see her face and call dibs”

J-HOE: now last time i saw him he had a beanie on and im guessing he tucked his hair in it but this time no beanie!

J-HOE: person with great hair is salsa dip hottie!

yoongles: so the dude also has great hair? wow

J-HOE: is2g it was like a loréal commercial. I'm talking about perfect long hair swaying in the wind, shining under the sun. And like

J-HOE: he's so fucking hot becuz he's so confindent... but. HE'S. SO. FUCKING. PRETTY. TOO.

J-HOE: take taehyung's level of pretty, add jimin's level of pretty, and u get salsa dip hottie

yoongles: BITCH

goldencock: GET OUT

sunshinemin: im shocked and offended

goldencock: TAEHYUNG IS CRYING BECUZ OF THIS

TaeTaeflower: ITHTO UGHT IS WAS PRETYR FORND HYFNG HENS JDONCDE SAIDNS HE WSD GONDSA SUCMK MY DICNDS

J-HOE: someone pls translate

goldencock: I THOUGHT I WAS PRETTY FOR HYUNG, HE ONCE SAID HE WAS GONNA SUCK MY DICK

goldencock: u hurt his feelings hyung

J-HOE: IM SORRY TAETAE BUT HYUNG IS KIND OF IN LOVE???

TaeTaeflower: * sniffles * ill let it slide for the sake of love

destroyermon: so what happened did u ask him dem digits?

J-HOE: ok so i was like “eyyy gun walk over and tell him that im the chips to his salsa and get dem digits” so i walk over to him

J-HOE: and a fucking asshole decided to skate right AGAINST ME

theprincess❀: oh boy

J-HOE: AND I FELL ON MY BUTT AND THERE WAS COFFEE EVERYWHERE I ALMOST CRIED BECAUSE OF HOW HOT IT WAS

destroyermon: oh man

destroyermon: well at least salsa dip hottie didn't see you

J-HOE: …

yoongles: he didnt see u, right?

J-HOE: * nervous queer laughter *

sunshinemin: oh hyung...

J-HOE: he just... looked at me... completely unamused... then scoffed and walked away

TaeTaeflower: wtf he sounds like an ass

J-HOE: I have never been more turned on BEFORE IN MY LIFE YES HUMILIATE ME /STEP OVER MY NAKED BODY WHILE WEARING HIGH HEELS/

goldencock: why am i even surprised

 

                                                          

 

 

TaeTaeflower: babe

goldencock: yes love?

TaeTaeflower: u know i love u right

goldencock: what have u done

TaeTaeflower: and that i will always love you, right

goldencock: /Tae/

TaeTaeflower: I used one of your iron man socks as a vase for a plant

goldencock: i

theprincess❀: the downfall of a love... and we can only blame Robert Downey

goldencock: WHY WOULD U USE A SOCK

TaeTaeflower: couldnt find a vase

goldencock: WHY ONE OF MY IRONMAN'S SOCKS

TaeTaeflower: cuz babe... they're ugly as fuck

goldencock: SHOCKED GASP

goldencock: who are you? Why am I in love with such a monster

TaeTaeflower: lack of gag reflex?

goldencock: I DEMAND THAT YOU BUY ME NEW IRON MAN SOCKS

TaeTaeflower: * whining noises *

goldencock: NO SEX FOR THREE WEEKS

TaeTaeflower: IM ALREADY AT PRIMARK WITH MY WALLET OUT I SWEAR

 

                                                       

 

 

theprincess❀: wait wait wait wait a goddamn second

theprincess❀: u said hes hot but also pretty with great hair and a savage attitude?

J-HOE: yea

theprincess❀: is it this guy?
Risultati immagini per yoon jeonghan

 

J-HOE: ITS HIM MY SALSA DIP HOTTIE

theprincess❀: oh i know him, he has lunch at my shop

J-HOE: I DEMAND A NAME AND HIS INSTAGRAM

theprincess❀: his name's yoon jeonghan

J-HOE: EVEN HIS NAME IS PRETTY

sunshinemin: i... holy shit he's a vision

TaeTaeflower: what the fuck how does someone have that face

sunshinemin: or hair like that

TaeTaeflower: * looks at chimchim *

sunshinemin: * looks at taetae *

TaeTaeflower: WHY DO WE EVEN BOTHER EXISTING WHEN SOMEONE LIKE THAT EXISTS????

sunshinemin: IKR LETS JUST EMIGRATE WTF

yoongles: STFU

goldencock: WHOS THIS JEONGHAN ILL FIGHT HIM

J-HOE: bitch i fucking dare you

J-HOE: goodbye hoes, mr. Steal your girl is off on an instagram quest

sunshinemin: dear god just be careful and dont like an old as fuck pic

 

 

 

 

 

 

J-HOE: ahahahahah

sunshinemin: ??

J-HOE: let's just say

TaeTaeflower: oh boy

J-HOE: mistakes were made.

sunshinemin: HE LIKED AN OLD PICTURE I CANT FUCKNG BELIVE THIS

destroyermon: LMAO HYUNG

J-HOE: ahahahaha yeah how funny ahahahah

J-HOE: i want to die

J-HOE: wehre's the bleach, i want to drink the entire gallon

theprincess❀: ok wait did u also dislike the pic?

J-HOE: wtf no im not dumb

J-HOE: im not jimin

yoongles: listen to me u horsefaced bitch

sunshinemin: but how old was the pic tho

J-HOE: ahahah this is where it gets funny cuz u see salsa dip had this insta account for quite a while

sunshinemin: oh no

J-HOE: it's 73 weeks old ahahahahah

goldencock: omg hyung

J-HOE: but like, check this out

Immagine correlata

 

J-HOE: can u blame me?

destroyermon: not really

theprincess❀: in person he's even prettier

TaeTaeflower: DO NOT FRET FOR I, KIM TAEHYUNG, THE SECRET GENIUS OF THIS GROUP OF LOSERS, HAVE A PLAN

yoongles: wow look at the time id better go

sunshinemin: yeah me too i gotta water the mugs

theprincess❀: oops it's time for my daily worship of namjoon's feet gotta blast

TaeTaeflower: MEANIES ⁝(˚͈͈͈͈̥̆₍₎˚͈͈͈͈̥̆⁎)⁝

goldencock: yall are gonna sit ur asses down and will listen to tae's plan or i will legit burn your shoes whilst you wear them.

theprincess❀: WHAT PLAN TAETAE PRECIOUS TAETAE

TaeTaeflower: ok here i go

TaeTaeflower: SPAM. THE. FUCK. OUT. OF. HIS. INSTAGRAM

J-HOE: ?????

theprincess❀: that doesnt make any sense he would just expose himself even more??

TaeTaeflower: no cuz this way its gunna look like he just went on an instaquest. U spam him with likes on recent pictures and this way your first like will be lost with the new ones and he wont notice ur actually thirsting a lot

sunshinemin:

sunshinemin: thats genius

J-HOE: omg tae thats brilliant

TaeTaeflower: really???

J-HOE: yes!

TaeTaeflower: (((o(*゚▽゚*)o)))

theprincess❀: omg so precious my favorite child

sunshinemin: R U D E

J-HOE: im gonna do it now!!

yoongles: … why do i have a bad feeling about this

 

                                                

 

 

goldencock: taehyung

goldencock: why is there a condom on the ceiling?

destroyermon: wait ON the ceiling??

TaeTaeflower: i glued the condom to the ceiling

goldencock: why

TaeTaeflower: art

 

 

                                                     

 

 

theprincess❀: I BRING YOU THE FINEST BREW OF TEA

sunshinemin: spill it mom

theprincess❀: @J-HOE guess who came to my shop for lunch

J-HOE: the love of my life???

❀theprincess❀: oh yes

theprincess❀: so he comes to me and goes “ur friends with that hoseok dude, right? The dancer?”

J-HOE: HE KNOWS WHO I AM

theprincess❀: and i say “i do” and he asks

theprincess❀: get ready...

theprincess❀: “can u give me his number?”

TaeTaeflower: OMG

destroyermon: DID U GIVE IT TO HIM???

theprincess❀: of fucking course i did. Are u happy hobi?

yoongles: HE ISNT HAPPY HE PASSED OUT

sunshinemin: wait what

yoongles: HE JUST DROPPED ON THE FLOOR IDONT KNWO WHAT TO DO

yoongles: omg is this how i look everytime jimin says anything cute and i just die?

theprincess❀: probably

yoongles: HES BACK HES FINE

yoongles: NEVERMIND HE READ THE TEXT AGAIN AND FAINTED ONCE MORE

TaeTaeflower: whats up with u two and the fainting tho

yoongles: we are very weak when faced with love

sunshinemin: cute AS FUCK

 

 

                                                     

 

 

 

 

J-HOE: FUCK

J-HOE: HE TEXTED ME WHAT DO I DO

sunshinemin: what did he text

J-HOE: “hey”

sunshinemin: OK HYUNG PLAY IT COOL

J-HOE: OK

J-HOE: MISTAKES WERE MADE ONCE MORE


 

sunshinemin: ok u need to calm down

J-HOE: well im screwed



 

TaeTaeflower: WTF MY PLAN DIDNT WORK WHO IS THIS GUY??

J-HOE: what do i do???

destroyermon: be honest honesty is the key

J-HOE: omg

theprincess❀: WHAT

theprincess❀: SPEAK MY CHILD

J-HOE: YALL



 

sunshinemin: YESSS

goldencock: wait what forreal

yoongles: THATS THE PART THAT CAPTURED THAT GUY'S ATTENTION??? NOT THE SLAPPING BUT HIS HAIR??!

J-HOE: HE HAS HIS PRIORITIES SORTED THATS THE KINDA MAN I WANT TO LOVE FOREVER

TaeTaeflower: THIS IS KINDA CUTE THO???

TaeTaeflower: LIKE YOONMIN WHO I ONLY KNOW HOHANG!

J-HOE: … hohang

J-HOE: I LOVE IT IMMA GET IT TATTOED

yoongles: i still habe no idea as to what the fu k a yoonmin is


 

                                                

 

 

J-HOE: im at ground zero aka Jin's shop. Waiting for jeonghan

J-HOE: I SEE HIM OMG HE BRAIDED HIS HAIR HE'S SO PRETTY

theprincess❀: right im taking over from here

sunshinemin: tell us everything

theprincess❀: ok so jeonghan is approaching hobi

theprincess❀: omg hobi stood up too quickly and he hit his knee against the table and screamed in pain, jeonghan doesnt seem amused

yoongles: why is he like this omg

destroyermon: as if u were any better hyung

theprincess❀: jeonghan sighed and sat down imma be very sneaky and try to get closer to them

TaeTaeflower: wait

goldencock: jin hyung? Sneaky?

theprincess❀: im closer to them im pretending to clean an empty table

theprincess❀: Jeonghan goes “so” hoseok says “so” “Ive seen u dancing at the last showcase” “Oh u did?” “You were good” “Oh thanks”

theprincess❀: silence

sunshinemin: this is a mess

theprincess❀: they ordered two black coffees and hobi got for jeonghan a cake he said “its my fave cake here” “cool”

theprincess❀: and like... this dude looks like a fairy but he's a cold man

theprincess❀: they're eating in complete silence

destroyermon: omg i want to smack them on the head

theprincess❀: I COULDNT HEAR WHAT THEY SAID BUT I THINK HOBI WAS TELLING A FUNNY STORY AND JEONGHAN DIDNT EXACTLY LAUGH BUT HE SMILED A LITTLE AND HOSEOK LEGIT STARTED GLOWING???

TaeTaeflower: thats so sweet i wanna cry

theprincess❀: approaching the table again like ive been cleaning this table so much its fucking shining

theprincess❀: hobi: “I really like your braid” jeonghan: “You do?” “it looks good on u”

yoongles: yes hoseok be smooth

theprincess❀: YALL

theprincess❀: HOSEOK WENT “is it a french braid?” and jeonghan said “a dutch braid” “i dont know how to do braids ahahah maybe u should teach me” AND JEONGHAN FUCKING BLUSHED AND SAID “wait forreal?” and HOSEOK WAS LEGIT HOLDING BACK TEARS AND SAID “please teach me how to braid your hair” THIS IS SO SOFT IM EMOTIONAL

goldencock: WHY IS HE BEING SO PURE HES THE MOTHER OF SLUT IS THIS WHAT AN HOSEOK IN LOVE LOOKS LIKE???

destroyermon: I M SHOOK

sunshinemin: this is adorable

theprincess❀: JEONGHAN WAS TRYING SO BAD TO HOLD BACK A SMILE SO HE MUTTERED BEHIND HIS CUP OF COFFEE “ok ill teach you” AND HOSEOK CHOKED ON HIS CAKE

TaeTaeflower: CHOKINWAAA

goldencock: dont ruin the moment

theprincess❀: “first time i met u u were wearing a beanie so i didnt know u had hair so beautiful” jeonghan blushed again and he said “it takes a lot of time to style it so if class is early in the morning i cant be bothered. I like sleeping more than i like breathing” AND HOSEOK CHUCKLES AND GOES “thats cute” AND THEY BOTH KINDA STARED AT EACH OTHER AND THEN STARTED SHOVING THEIR MOUTHS WITH CAKE

sunshinemin: THE FLUFF IS REAL YALL IM BLESSED

theprincess❀: omg ok so theyve been silent for like five full minutes and then hoseok blurts out “I LIKE TO CUDDLE” and I saw in his eyes the pure regret. But then

theprincess❀: jeonghan looked at him with like huge eyes and STARTED LAUGHING

theprincess❀: BUT LIKE A LOUD AF LAUGH AND I THINK I WITNESSED THE MOMENT HOSEOK ACTUALLY MELTED AND DECIDED HES GOING TO MARRY THIS GUY

theprincess❀: oh wait jeonghan is standing up??

theprincess❀: “lets go take a walk and u can tell me about what else u like besides cuddles” YOOOOOOOOOOOOO

sunshinemin: YES THIS DUDE KNOWS WHATS GOOD

goldencock: omg im so relieved this somehow worked out

yoongles: thanks god, i spent a full week listening to him moping and whining about this jeonghan finally he'll stop

theprincess❀: they paid and left

destroyermon: this was so pure and innocent i want to protect them both

 

                                              
 

 

J-HOE: we spent the afternoon talking and chatting and hes so funny and pretty and then he taught me how to make braids and i put some flowers in his braid and he laughed so much i love him end me we're going to watch a movie tomorrow

sunshinemin: there are actual tears in my eyes

 

 

 

 

[Jeonghan❀]

 

 

Hobi: I had fun today (*´▽`*)

Jeonghan❀: me toothbrush

Hobi: toothbrush?

Jeonghan❀: fucking autocorrect i meant me too

Hobi: oh thats good!

Hobi: yep

Hobi: cool

Jeonghan❀: stop being awkward

Jeonghan❀: at first i thought u were a creep cuz really? 72 weeks old?

Hobi: actually its 73 weeks

Jeonghan❀: right

Jeonghan❀: well ur not a creep

Jeonghan❀: so yeah i had a good time

Hobi: I WANT TO BRAID YOUR HAIR FOREVER PLS LET ME

Jeonghan❀: …

Jeonghan❀: at least buy me dinner first

Hobi: I WILL BUY YOU ALL THE DINNERS

Jeonghan❀: omg calm down

Jeonghan❀: anyways ill see u tomorrow

Hobi: yes

Jeonghan❀: … bring the salsa

Jeonghan❀: ill bring the chips

Hobi: omg you're all i ever wanted

 

Chapter Text

[Jeonghan❀]

 

Jeonghan❀: YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THE AMOUNT OF DISRESPECT

Hobi: BABE WHAT HAPPENED

Jeonghan❀: BABE I WAS WALKING AROUND CAMPUS YEAH??

Hobi: YEAH BABE???

Jeonghan❀: AND OUT OF NOWHERE THIS GIRL WALKS TO ME WITH DIS SHIT EATING GRIN ON HER FACE AND SHE GOES “Errr are you like a girl or something?”

Jeonghan❀: AND I SAID no why AND THIS GODDAMN FLAT BITCH GOES then whats up with your hair, its just ugly on a guy

Jeonghan❀: AND ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS THIS BITCH CALLED ME UGLY I SAID BITCH WHEEEERE SHE SAID UNDER ALL THAT HAIR I SAID BITCH WHEEEEEEERE

Hobi: who is this weakass flat bitch I will murder her I WILL SHAVE HER HEAD WHILE SHE SLEEPS BRING IT

Jeonghan❀: babe no

Hobi: NO ONE FUCKS UP WITH YOUR HAIR I WILL RIOT

Jeonghan❀: youre fucking insane i love it

Hobi: ksdjfhekfhb

Hobi: sorry had a stroke

Jeonghan❀: why are you so extra

 

 

[Private Chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

sunshinemin: YOONGI WHY ARENT YOU ANSWERING MY TEXTS I TEXTED YOU AND YOU SAW THEM BUT YOU DIDNT REPLY DO YOU WANT THIS RELATIONSHIP TO END WHO'S ASS ARE YOU EATING I WANT ANSWERS

theprincess❀: and goodmorning everyone

TaeTaeflower: yoongi hyung is cheatinggggg

sunshinemin: SHUT THE FUCK UP

goldencock: the fuck did you say

sunshinemin: YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP TOO YOU OVERGROWN GNOME

goldencock: WELL GODDAMN

J-HOE: can y'all chill im trying to cuddle my boyfriend, you know, the prettiest hottest boy of south korea?

destroyermon: … uh huh

yoongles: … sunshine u didnt send me any text

sunshinemin: what

yoongles: i think u texted the wrong number

sunshinemin: oh

yoongles: … what texts did you send

sunshinemin: clearly i was sexting you

yoongles: great

TaeTaeflower: lmao

sunshinemin: yoongi we need to emigrate now.

yoongles: … jimin who did you text

sunshinemin: ahahahahahahahhahah

yoongles: JIMIN

sunshinemin: you know its a funny story actually. Cuz i felt like sending u a pic of my ass with that cute new plug i bought thought it would be nice

theprincess❀: my poor eyes

sunshinemin: but heres where it gets real comedy gold. I have your number saved as daddy with an eggplant

destroyermon: it might be too early for bleach but im still going for it

sunshinemin: but i also have my actual dad's number saved as daddy. Just. Without eggplants

goldencock: wait

yoongles: Park Jimin, did you send to your father a picture of your butt with a plug shoved inside of it?

TaeTaeflower: he used correct grammars

sunshinemin:

 

Sunshinemin left the chat

 

Yoongles added Sunshinemin to the chat

 

sunshinemin: told you it was a funny story LMAO WHOS LAUGHING I AM

yoongles: I WILL CHOKE YOU TO DEATH AND NOT IN THE SEXY WAY

sunshinemin: IM SORRY

yoongles: NAME HIM DAD, OR FATHER, OR ANYTHING BUT DADDY IF YOU'RE ALSO GONNA NAME ME DADDY IN YOUR GODDAMN PHONE. WHAT DID U SEND HIM APART FROM THE PIC???

sunshinemin: … i mightve mentioned how much i wanted you to shove your tongue deep inside of it

destroyermon: maybe rat poison will do the trick better than bleach

goldencock: this is the best day of my life im screenshotting all of this convo and sending it to yugyeom

sunshinemin: SHIT HES CALLING ME

yoongles: ANSWER AND TELL HIM IT WAS A JOKE OR SOMETHING

theprincess❀: its too early for this things i need to do my morning face routine

sunshinemin: I PANICKED

TaeTaeflower: WHAT DID YOU DO

sunshinemin: I ANSWERED THE PHONE AND SCREAMED IM CATFISHING SOMEONE THATS NOT MY ASS AND THEN ENDED THE CALL

yoongles: omg

goldencock: LMAO

destroyermon: youre such a mess

sunshinemin: shit hes texting me

sunshinemin: HE DIDNT BUY IT

yoongles: of course he DIDNT FUCKING BUY IT

sunshinemin: DONT YELL AT ME IM EMOTIONAL RN

sunshinemin: oh

sunshinemin: hyung (๑♡3♡๑)

yoongles: whatever you want to ask me the answer is no

sunshinemin: (✿ ♥‿♥)

yoongles: just bcuz u changed icon doesnt mean shit

sunshinemin: my dad wants to meet u

yoongles: FUCK NO

sunshinemin: pleaseeeeee pretty please

yoongles: N O

sunshinemin:

sunshinemin: maybe taemin hyung will pretend to be my boyfriend

yoongles: im already packing, when do we leave for Busan and what wine does your father like?

 

 

                                                    

 

 

destroyermon: theres nothing worse than when people try to sound smart by misusing lenghty words

TaeTaeflower: i totally photosynthesize with you

destroyermon: YOURE FWFBEQUFH FUCKING SMARTASS

 

 

                                                           

 

 

theprincess❀: i... i asked kookie to help me make dinner. And i thought about making roasted chicken. So i said to him “okay lets roast this bird” and jungkookie... he looked at the bird and said “the only time you ever got laid was when you were born”

J-HOE: what the actual

goldencock: I AM VERY SLEEP DEPRIVED IM SORRY TAE IS HIGH MAINTENANCE HE NEEDS HIS ASS EATEN EVERY NIGHT AND IT TAKES TIME AND ENERGY

TaeTaeflower: but boi is it worth it

 

 

                                                            

 

 

J-HOE: YALL SOMETHING INSANE HAPPENED

J-HOE: ME AND JEONGHAN WERE TAKING A STROLL AT THE PARK AND LIKE HE WAS BEING HIS USUAL PRETTY SELF, HUMMING, BEING PRETTY, HAIR BRAIDED WITH A FLOWER BEHIND HIS EAR, IT WAS FUCKING PARADISE

goldencock: hyung... enough... with the all caps... its too much

J-HOE: GO CHOKE ON A DICK

J-HOE: ANYWAYS WE WERE WALKING WHEN OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE THIS GODDAMN BIRD FLIES TO US AND LANDS ON JEONGHANS FINGER

sunshinemin: wait what

J-HOE: LIKE SOME GODDAMN SNOW WHITE MOMENT AND HE JUST SMILES AND SAYS hoseok, look

J-HOE: AND IM THERE RUBBING MY EYES GOING I am looking. Working on believing this shit LIKE AM I DATING AN ACTUAL DISNEY PRINCESS???

sunshinemin: … a bird... landed on his finger... when will I ever reach that level of beauty and grace

yoongles: jimin we are going to a park right now and i will forCE EVERY BIRD TO LAND ON YOUR FINGER IF THATS WHAT YOU WANT

sunshinemin: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH OPPA

yoongles: D O N T

 

 

                                                        

 

 

 

theprincess❀: look all im saying is

destroyermon: this is literally the first text u sent today with who the hell are u continuing this conversation

theprincess❀: im just saying... if jeonghan hadnt came around... maybe i wouldve shipped a little of yoonminseok

yoongles: what the actual fuck is a yoonminseok now

sunshinemin: I N T E R E S T I N G

J-HOE: I AM A COMMITTED MAN NOW

theprincess❀: … is that so

theprincess❀: http://archiveofourown.org/works/11463342/chapters/25700250

J-HOE: DO NOT TEMPT ME

yoongles: can the author stop promoting her shit

sunshinemin: can u stop breaking the fourth wall

TaeTaeflower: what the shit is going on with this chat anymore

 

 

 

                                                  

 

 

 

J-HOE: today we were out for coffee and I made a stupid joke and Jeonghan laughed and a girl that was walking by tripped, fell and broke her nose cuz she was staring at him

J-HOE: so im either dating a disney princess or the fucking terminator there is no middle ground

TaeTaeflower: WHAT KINDA BULLSHIT WHEN WILL I EVER

goldencock: … tae once you literally just smiled to urself and a dude on a bike drove against a streetlamp cuz he was looking at u

TaeTaeflower: oh... oh yeah

 

 

                                                             

 

 

 

 

 

theprincess❀: * in a low seductive voice * time to get freaky

destroyermon: im intrigued, what will i come home to mmmh

theprincess❀: oh babe youre not ready... im putting soy sauce on my french fries

destroyermon:

theprincess❀: we getting LIT UP IN HERE

destroyermon: pls stop

 

 

                                                       

 

 

 

sunshinemin: hyung hyung hyung i sent u a pic of my new outfit do u like it

yoongles: yeah, i was about to text you back, you look beautiful

sunshinemin: ndkbqeifbqeivwkc

goldencock: such a praise slut

sunshinemin: fucking rude and excuse me, i dont need yoongi's constant praise

goldencock: … hyung, once yoongi hyung was listening to a song and he said it was great and u just sat on his lap and asked “what about me?”

sunshinemin: … shit fam u rite

 

 

                                                     

 

 

 

goldencock: TAEHYUNG FOR THE LAST TIME WE ARE NOT BUYING A DOG AND CALL HIM BONER

TaeTaeflower: WHY

goldencock: BECAUSE NO

TaeTaeflower: BUT ITS FUNNY

goldencock: I DONT CARE

TaeTaeflower: * gasps * do you... do you want me to pout

sunshinemin: oh shit

goldencock: tae, my love, don't

TaeTaeflower: * pout loading *

goldencock: TAEHYUNG

TaeTaeflower: POUT UNLEASHED

Risultati immagini per TAEHYUNG POUTING
goldencock: (⇀⼼_↼)*✲゚* its... too much

Chapter Text

[PRIVATE CHAT WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

 

J-HOE: YALL

sunshinemin: jesus its seven in the morning and he's already going strong with the yalls in capslock

J-HOE: i'm sorry jimin but wHERE THE FUCK IS MY TRADEMARK SYMBOL MMMMM (ꐦ ಠ皿ಠ )

sunshinemin: i'm sorry hyung ur right

sunshinemin: kiss my ass™

J-HOE: * SHOCKED GASP * you just wait until I tell jeonghan!!!

sunshinemin: he's... threatening me with his boyfriend i don't

yoongles: instead of threatening my boyfriend can u tell us what your yall was about

J-HOE: ah right

J-HOE: YALL™ I FOUND ALL THE PICTURES WE TOOK AT THE LAST PARTY WHERE JUNGKOOK WAS FUCKING HAMMERED

destroyermon: SPILL THIS TEA MY BROTHER

TaeTaeFlower: * grabs popcorns *

goldencock: I wasn't /that/ drunk

sunshinemin: … u asked Taehyung is he was single and cried when he said no

goldencock: so??

sunshinemin: HES YOUR BOYFRIEND

theprincess❀: at some point you started putting teaspoons in the tablespoons drawer because, and I quote, “they need parental supervision hyung!”

destroyermon: you started a fight with Jeonghan because you weren't okay with him thinking he's prettier than Taehyung and when Jeonghan said he doesn't think he's prettier than Tae you screamed “LIES” and then started punching a pillow

J-HOE: yeah about dat, Jeonghan has a whole video of that moment

TaeTaeFlower: jungkook, when we got to my flat you asked me to “rub my tummy and give me belly kisses cuz they make everything better” and you ordered me to call you “babyboy” for a whole night. Which was kinda weird considering you still ordered me around despite all of that

goldencock:

goldencock: ok so maybe I was hammered

 

                                        



 

theprincess❀: u know sometimes I wake up, walk to the mirror and wonder

yoongles: about what

theprincess❀: at myself

theprincess❀: like, im so beautiful I just stare at my reflection and just wonder “holy shit you're one lucky son of a bitch for being so beautiful”

sunshinemin: disappointed but not surprised



                                                 




 

TaeTaeFlower: THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

J-HOE: did Jungkook finally bottom for you

TaeTaeFlower: … okay maybe this IS THE SECOND BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

goldencock: sigh

TaeTaeFlower: I WAS WALKING AROUND LOOKING FOR CUTE DOGS TO PET

goldencock: YOU NEED TO STOP LOOKING FOR DOGS TO PET SOONER OR LATER SOMEONE WILL CALL THE POLICE

TaeTaeFlower: WHEN I SEE THIS REALLY CUTE CANDY SHOP SO I WALK INSIDE AND THE OWNER IS A CUTE OLD LADY AND SHE SAID I WAS REALLY PRETTY AND GAVE ME A HUGE CANDY FOR FREE

sunshinemin: aw thats sweet... why does nobody give me free candies

yoongles: do you want free candies? Ill get you free candies, where is this shop taehyung

sunshinemin: omg stop

goldencock: wait

theprincess❀: how big is this candy

TaeTaeFlower: ITS HUGE

sunshinemin: … oh shit

theprincess❀: tae. How big exactly

TaeTaeflower: you know one of those extra large candy sticks that are mostly for decoration in christmas and stuff like that, its as tall as me, it tastes really good

goldencock: DON'T EAT THE WHOLE THING

sunshinemin: TAEHYUNG LISTEN TO ME PLS DON'T EAT IT ALL IN ONE DAY OKAY??

TaeTaeFlower: WHY

theprincess❀: Tae. This is an order from your mother. Do not eat the whole candy in one day.

J-HOE: … am I missing something

TaeTaeFlower: sigh, ok






 

[PRIVATE CHAT CYPHER PT QUEER]

 

 

J-HOE: will someone tell me why everyone is freaking out about that candy

destroyermon: ah... the candy

yoongles: the candy accident...

J-HOE: ??

destroyermon: I remember it as if it were just yesterday... but years have passed

yoongles: … namjoon it was eight months ago

destroyermon: YEARS have passed... from the candy accident

yoongles: hoseok, u were away with ur family, so you didn't experience the whole ordeal... and we swore to each other to never talk about it again on the chat

J-HOE: but why

destroyermon: because Taehyung doesnt remember it

J-HOE: W H A T

destroyermon: eight months ago, taehyung went to a festival and won a huge box of sweets and candies from a lottery. He told us he was going to eat it all in one sitting and... we were naive, we didn't know... we just laughed

yoongles: taehyung is... quite sensitive to sugar

destroyermon: he went on a rampage. Everyone on campus locked themselves inside their flats, it was terrifying.

J-HOE: … what did he do

destroyermon: taehyung... he... he stole every single dog he met on the road and brought them all on campus, letting them free.

yoongles: they pissed everywhere.

J-HOE: OH SO THATS WHY CAMPUS SMELLED OF DOG PISS AND SHIT FOR A WHOLE MONTH

destroyermon: yes. We managed to take the dogs and bring them back to their owners without getting caught, cleaned as best as we could campus. Thankfully, no one found out it was tae, Jungkook had to forcibly lock him in his room so that he wouldn't get in our way. The next morning, tae didn't remember anyhting

J-HOE: wow

J-HOE: the coolest shit happens when im not here

J-HOE: well, thanks for telling me, gotta go now. Jeonghan just texted me these: (*•̀ᴗ•́*)و ̑̑ (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و σ(≧ε≦o) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

J-HOE: which roughly translate to: E A T M E O U T so yeah gotta go fast

 

[sunshine]

 

 

MinYoongi: hey sunshine, u coming over yeah? Hoseok is at jeonghans

sunshine: boi, im legit showering, brushing my teeth, picking an outfit, waxing and texting u at the same time

MinYoongi: youre such a multitasking master. But like drop the outfit, i dont care about it

sunshine: hyung thats sweet but i wanna dress nicely

MinYoongi: no thats not what I- i mean that ill just rip your clothes off so

sunshine: and fuck the outfit then, ill be there in 10

sunshine: but 1 thing, i have to wake up early tomorrow cuz i have rehearsals with taemin-hyung

MinYoongi: that is absolutely okay, sunshine.

sunshine: … did u write that with your teeth gritted

MinYoongi: n o

sunshine: … hyung

MinYoongi: i did not, sunshine. Just hurry up, i miss your butt

sunshine: AAWWWWW YOU KNOW HOW TO WOO ME SO WELL

 

 

 

[PRIVATE CHAT WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

theprincess❀: EVERYBODY WAKE UP

J-HOE: what the actual

theprincess❀: I TRIED CALLING TAEHYUNG HES NOT ANSWERING HIS PHONE

yoongles: no shit hyung, it's like eight in the morning and tae has no classes today, you know it, hes probably still sleeping

goldencock: OBJECTION

sunshinemin: omg you did not just

goldencock: YOUR HONOR, IF YOU WOULD LOOK AT MY MEMO ON THE PHONE YOUD SEE THAT TAEHYUNG AND I HAVE A DATE PLANNED. AND HE IS NOT HERE.

theprincess❀: GASP

destroyermon: he probs just slept too much just go at his house and wake him up

goldencock: ,,, yeah knowing tae thats a thing he'd do

sunshinemin: well keep me updated, gotta go to rehearsals

yoongles: have a nice day, sunshine.

J-HOE: … am i the only one who kinda had the feeling you wrote that text with your teeth gritted

yoongles: shut the fuckening up Hoseok.




                                            




 


theprincess❀: Kim Namjoon: he protecc, he attacc... but most importantly... he breacc stuff

destroyermon: what is this sudden slander

sunshinemin: Kim Seokjin: he protecc, he attacc... but most importantly... he licc feet

theprincess❀: is it considered a roast if it's true and you're not even ashamed of it

J-HOE: i dont know and i dont care stop spamming this chat im trying to cuddle with my sleepy boyfriend

goldencock: FUCK YOUR BOYFRIEND

J-HOE: I mean that's in the plans but chill

goldencock: TAEHYUNG ISNT HOME

goldencock: I KNOCKED FOR LIKE TEN MINUTES AND SINCE HE DIDNT REPLY I BROKE IN

yoongles: you... you broke in

goldencock: AND HES NOT HERE. THE ONLY THING I FOUND IS A CORPSE

theprincess❀: A CORPSE?!

goldencock: THE CORPSE OF A BASICALLY FINISHED GIGANTIC CANDY CANE

sunshinemin: … jesus christ

goldencock: THERE ARE JUST LITTLE PIECES LEFT HE ATE IT ALL I KNEW I SHOULD'VE KEPT AN EYE ON HIM

J-HOE: oh shit

theprincess❀: no panic. Okay, Namjoon go to the park in case he goes there to steal more dogs, Jungkook go search at his favorite places, Yoongi you look gor him on campus, maybe he's not far, Hoseok you and jeonghan call all animal's shelters and pet shops and tell them to NOT let Taehyung out if he arrives and to call u back if he's there

sunshinemin: hyung ill help u look for tae on campus where are u

yoongles: at the cafeteria

sunshinemin: ill be right there, taemin hyung will help too

yoongles: how very considerate of him

destroyermon: i hear the sound of teeth gritting

 

yoongles: we've been running arounf campus for hours, no one has seen or heard of him

sunshinemin: taemin hyung is calling minho hyung as well

goldencock: whos minho

sunshinemin: … just... a dude...

J-HOE: isnt this minho, like, one of Taehyung's longest relationships ever and the dude Taehyung was actually head over heels in love with?

sunshinemin: H O S E O K H Y U N G

goldencock:

J-HOE: I MEAN THAT WAS WAYYYYY BEFORE JUNGKOOK OF COURSE AHAHAHAHAHA MINHO WHO ALL I KNOW IS TAEKOOK AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH

goldencock: whatever



                                             
                                          




 

destroyermon: he's not at the park, i've asked ppl around but no one saw him

J-HOE: jeonghan spoke with all animal's shelters in the area but no one has seen tae and dont remember anyone who fits the description, i called pet shops and same result

sunshinemin: minho hyung said he hasn't seen tae in forever

goldencock: i've went to all his fave hiding spots but nothing

goldencock: i even went to the spot of the library where we had the loudest sex possible but he wasnt there either

theprincess❀: … why would he be there

goldencock: to remember the good times? I dont know OKAY IM WORRIED MY BOYFRIEND IS MISSING JESUS CHRIST WE SHOULD CALL THE COPS OR THE SWAT TEAM

yoongles: dont panic

goldencock: SOMEONE CALL THE PRESIDENT, CALL OBAMA AS WELL

sunshinemin: obama isnt even the president of the usa anymore

goldencock: WELL I SURE AS HELL AINT CALLING TRUMP TO LOOK FOR A KOREAN GAY MAN

J-HOE: he has a point

theprincess❀: lets just keep looking for him





                                        




 

destroyermon: jesus it's almost sundown where the fuck is he

J-HOE: its been two years since Taehyung disappeared

sunshinemin: what

J-HOE: sometimes i still hear his voice

goldencock: STOP TELLING EVERYONE HE'S DEAD YOU FUCKER




                                            





 

goldencock: I cant believe i legit lost my boyfriend

goldencock: like its midnight where the hell is he im so worried

theprincess❀: dont cry kook, we'll find him

goldencock: im not crying tho?

theprincess❀:... uh huh

goldencock: OKAY MAYBE IM CRYING IM WORRIED HOW WOULD U FEEL IF NAMJOON'S FEET SUDDENLY DISAPPEARED

destroyermon: WHY JUST MY FEET YOU PIECE OF SHIT





                                                 





 

sunshinemin: WE FOUND HIM

goldencock: IWEFWEFNWR0248RN9 23XND WEHFQE

sunshinemin: ok... so... he's on a tree

destroyermon: on a tree

yoongles: /naked/ on a tree, may I add

theprincess❀: wait what

sunshinemin: he's just... sleeping on a tree branch... stark naked

yoongles: i can see his balls from this angles this is not how i planned on spending the night

goldencock: WHAT TREE WHERE ARE YOU

sunshinemin: we're near a candy store, we figured that maybe he went to look for more sugar or something, it's the one close to the pub we always go to

goldencock: IM COMING STAY THERE

sunshinemin: i mean its not like we're leaving him alone on the tree. Like what do we do, do we call the fire department? “hey i know u r probs busy saving people from burning buildings, but, like, our friend is naked on a tree can ya help a brother out?”

yoongles: yo he's waking up

sunshinemin: he's looking around, midly confused

sunshinemin: aaaaand he's crying

goldencock: WHY?!

sunshinemin: “WHY AM I NAKED ON A TREE AND WHY IS YOONGI HYUNG LOOKING AT MY BALLS IM SCARED” end of quote

J-HOE: jesus christ

yoongles: we're trying to calm him down but tae is in full panic mode and i mean, i dont blame him

sunshinemin: “I WANT MY BOYFRIEND” so i told him he's coming and tae went “I WANT HIM ON THIS TREE WITH ME WHY ISN'T HE ON THIS TREE WITH ME” what even is going on at this point

goldencock: TELL HIM I'LL BE THERE IN TWO MINUTES

sunshinemin: its a tirthy minutes walk from campus how the hell are u gonna be here in 2 minutes

goldencock: I STOLE A BIKE

theprincess❀: YOU DID WHAT

yoongles: Jimin: “tae, kook stole a bike and he's coming” Tae: “HE STOLE A BIKE WHY” jimin: “to be here faster” Tae: “OMG HE COULD GO TO PRISON FOR ME I DONT DESERVE HIM!”

yoongles: im honestly so not surprised by this turn of events

sunshinemin: okay jungkook is here anHE JUST THREW THE BIKE IN THE AIR ONCE HE SPOTTED US AND IS RUNNING TO US

sunshinemin: HE'S CLIMBING ON THE TREE WITH HIS BARE HANDS I REPEAT, HE'S CLIMBING ON THE TREE

theprincess❀: why is he like this

yoongles: HE'S JUST TOOK OFF HIS SHIRT AND PUT IT ON TAE WHAT AM I WITNESSING

sunshinemin: okay they're climing down, tae is still kinda shook but everyone is okay

destroyermon: thanks god





                                                      





 

[PRIVATE CHAT CYPHER PT QUEER]

 

 

yoongles: tae is safe and sound at kook's flat

destroyermon: thankfully everything ended well

yoongles: yeah. Except for 1 thing

J-HOE: ??

yoongles: that taemin has been with us almost all day, helping us

J-HOE: jesus hyung, he was just trying to be nice

yoongles: yeah thats what i thought too. Until i noticed that everytime i looked away, taemin looked at jimin's ass

J-HOE: i mean, can you blame him?

Yoongles: and again, thats what i told myself. But then at some point we locked eyes as he was drooling after my boyfriend. And the piece of shit smirked, then threw his arm around Jimin's shoulders.

destroyermon:

J-HOE:

yoongles: so, well, there's only one solution.

destroyermon: oh shit

yoongles: Lee Taemin must be destroyed.

J-HOE: or, hear me out on this, or... you just dont do anything cuz jimin is in love with you and not with taemin?

yoongles: BUT WHY WOULDNT HE FALL IN LOVE WITH THIS TAEMIN IN THE FUTURE LIKE THE DUDE IS GORGEUS HAVE YOU SEEN HIM

destroyermon: aaand here we go again

 

 

 

 

 




 

 

 

Chapter Text

[Private Chat Yoonmin Is My Heartu]

 

 

sunshinemin: WAKE UP YOU GODDAMN SLUTS

goldencock: i feel attacked

TaeTaeflower: what the fuck

sunshinemin: something incredible happened

TaeTaeflower: explain brother

sunshinemin: so I went to visit Yoongi hyung at his studio, to be a nice boyfriend, I bought him dinner and everything

sunshinemin: and he was very happy about it so we ate and started cuddling anyway at somepoint i had to go back home so I kissed him goodbye but the goodbye kiss turned into a make out session

goldencock: sigh

sunshinemin: and it got really fucking heated you know, like, i was against a wall humping his leg

sunshinemin: and suddenly... Yoongi just grabs me by the legs and fucking lifts me up

TaeTaeFlower: WOAH

sunshinemin: and iI'm just there, with my thighs around his waist, half hard and I go “did u just lift me up?” and he goes “uh- apparently” “apparently?” “Yeah it kinda just happened, i got really into it” “so like, you could potentially fuck me against this wall like this?” “probs”

sunshinemin: AND YOUR BOY GOT FUCKED WONDERFULLY AGAINST A WALL

goldencock: he got fucked against a wall... by accident

sunshinemin: I love my life

 

 

 

 

[Private Chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

 

 

J-HOE: hey demons

J-HOE: it's me. Ya boy

destroyermon: I don't even

theprincess❀: quick question, what do u do if you're fucking someone and they go “say my name” but his name is Wolf?

TaeTaeflower: you have no choice but to scream at the top of your lungs CHOGIWAAAAAAAA

yoongles: y'all do realize that at this point the memes dont even make sense anymore right

 

                                                

 

 

TaeTaeFlower: babe?

Goldencock: my love?

TaeTaeFlower: where's the lube

goldencock: at my place

TaeTaeFlower: there aint any tho???

goldencock: OH! I KNOW! Pretty sure we left it at Jin Hyung's place

theprincess❀: aaaah so that's why there was peach lube on my couch we don't use peach lube so WHY WAS PEACH LUBE ON MY COUCH

TaeTaeFlower: guess I'll buy more then

goldencock: wait why do u need lube

theprincess❀: HEY YOU TWO ANSWER ME

TaeTaeFlower: cuz I wanted to water the plants with it. Why do u think i need lube, Kook? I wanted to plug me up and wait for u to get home with my ass in the air

goldencock: god i love you

theprincess❀: AINT NOBODY GONNA ANSWER ME

goldencock: jesus hyung, there was lube there cuz we fucked on your couch, u happy now

theprincess❀: I WILL FUCKING END YOU

 

 

 

                                         

 

 

 

yoongles: sunshine, you wanna come over tonight? Hoseok's at Jeonghan

sunshinemin: * cheeky giggle * I might be one step ahead of you

yoongles: I'm intrigued

sunshinemin: well, i might be on your bed already. Wearing those panties you bought me. Rutting against your matress

yoongles: I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE

destroyermon: y'all do know that private chats between only two people exist, right

 

 

                                          

 

 

 

J-HOE: Jeonghan, babe, whatever you do you keep that vibrator inside your ass and wait for me to get home cuz I sure as fuck wanna play with it

theprincess❀: I AM BLIND

J-HOE: FUCK SORRY WRONG CHAT SORRY MAN I HOPE JEONGHAN STILL HAS THAT VIBRATOR WHERE IT BELONGS

yoongles: HOSEOK THATS GROSS STOP

 

 

                                        

 

 

goldencock: quick question: what do you do when you're boyfriend tells you he wants to try something new? Asking for a friend

TaeTaeFlower: I am legit right here. On this chat.

J-HOE: well talking for experience, he probs wants you to fist him

TaeTaeFlower: NO I DONT WTF KINDA EXPERIENCE DID YOU HAVE

J-HOE: … so dat is why jeonghan told me not to tell anyone

destroyermon: YOUR BOYFRIEND IS NASTY

J-HOE: then he probs wants u to bottom for him

TaeTaeFlower: * looks around as if he didn't hear anything *

goldencock: got it

TaeTaeFlower: IS IT CHRISTMAS ALREADY

theprincess❀: * a very loud sigh *

 

 

 

 

[Private Chat Yoonmin is My Heartu]

 

 

 

sunshinemin: err guys

sunshinemin: I have a feeling Taemin hyung is hitting on me. Today we had just finished our routine so I went to take my bottle of water and i had to bend down a little and he was staring at my ass. And like my ass is beautiful so I thought nothing of it but then I turned around and he goes “did u do that to get my attention?” and I went “No?” “well it worked”

TaeTaeFlower: BOI

goldencock: omg wait until yoongihyung hears about this

sunshinemin: right we aint telling Yoongi. Never. You know how possessive he gets and as a turn on as it is i don't need him pissing on Taemin's bed too. Anyways, Im pretty sure Taemin wont do anything, he knows im with yoongi

goldencock: sure Jan

 

 

 

 

[Private Chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

 

TaeTaeFlower: EMERGENCY! OUTCRY OF DESPAIR! SOS! CHOGIWA!

J-HOE: WHAT'S WRONG

goldencock: SOMEONE STOLE ALL OUR LUBE AND WE HAD A LOT

TaeTaeFlower: some sicko took our lube! What world are we living in?!

Sunshinemin: * LOUD GASP * IT HAPPENED TO ME AND YOONGIHYUNG TOO

yoongles: we woke up this morning and our lube was just... gone

destroyermon: YALL LUBE IS GONE?!

J-HOE: I JUST GOT A CALL FROM JEONGHAN SOMEONE BROKE INTO HIS APARTMENT AND TOOK HIS LUBE AS WELL, HE'S TERRIFIED

TaeTaeFlower: * THROWS HIS FISTS IN THE AIR * WHO WOULD DO SUCH A HORRIBLE THING?! GOD WHYYYYY

theprincess❀: * creepy villain laughter *

yoongles: … no you didn't

theprincess❀: they are mine now



 

sunshinemin: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT MOTHER?! WHY

theprincess❀: YALL ARE TOO FUCKING GROSS AGAIN I AM DONE. NOW YOU KNOW MY POWER. I COULD STEAL ALL OF YOUR CONDOMS TOO, BITCHES, YOU DON'T WANT ME TO DO THAT DO YOU?!?!?!?!

destroyermon: … babe... that's kinda hot

TaeTaeFlower: he's... he's not just a monster... he's the lube master. NO. He's the Lube Lord™

J-HOE: no man should have all that power... no one.

 

 

 

 

[Private Chat Yoonmin is My Heartu]

 

 

sunshinemin: guys

sunshinemin: remember when I said Taemin hyung wouldn't do anything

TaeTaeFlower: yep

goldencock: sure

sunshinemin: well funny story aahaahaahah hope yall ready to laugh till you drop lol ahahaha HE KISSED ME TODAY

TaeTaeFlower: * faints *

 

 

 

Chapter Text

[Private Chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

 

 

 

J-HOE: is2g I've just seen Jimin sprint out of his class and run so fucking fast he was almost blurred

destroyermon: ????

detroyermon: @sunshinemin

sunshinemin: YO OJRNGI SDENfT NUD3rE<Z

J-HOE: wat even is he saying

TaeTaeFlower: IT IS I, THE GREAT JIMIN TRANSLATOR, ALSO AUTHOR OF THE DICTIONARY JIMIN TO KOREAN/KOREAN TO JIMIN

TaeTaeFlower: he said YOONGI SENT NUDES

goldencock: wait what

J-HOE: oh so hes running to dat dick

TaeTaeFlower: understandable, I too sprint in times of dick harvesting

goldencock: Y'ALL ARE MISSING THE POINT???? YOONGI-HYUNG APPARENTLY SENDS NUDES?????

J-HOE: …

destroyermon: JIMIN SPILL THE RECEIPTS WHERE THOSE NUDES AT I NEED TO SEE LIKE DOES HE POSE^?!

theprincess❀: i'm sure Yoongi is one of those guys who only send the pic of their hard dicks in their hand and thats it, no caption, no nothing

J-HOE: this shit is canon

yoongles: why am I being SLANDERED??? MY VERY GOOD NAME IS BEING DESTROYED

destroyermon: but was jimin lying tho mmmmmm

yoongles: …

yoongles: I know your phone passcode namjoon

destroyermon: JIMIN WAS PROBABLY LYING AHAHAHAHAHAHHA

 

 

 

 

[PRIVATE CHAT Yoonmin Is My Heartu]

 

 

 

TaeTaeFlower: but like jimin you still didnt tell us what happened after the kiss

goldencock: you left us on the worst cliffhanger ever

sunshinemin: what do u think happened? I left. He just went and kissed me so suddenly, I pulled back and got the fuck out of there also what abou CONSENT????

goldencock: what will u do when u see him???

sunshinemin: i'll see Taemin hyung tomorrow for practice but I feel like I shouldn't do the performance with him. So ill tell him dat, hope he also understand that by that i mean gtf away from me thanks

TaeTaeFlower: its sad tho that u have to give up your performance u worked so hard

goldencock: won't yoongi-hyung get suspicious

sunshinemin: nah he'll be fine. Hopefully

TaeTaeFlower: maybe u should tell him about the kiss

sunshinemin: DO YOU WANT TO SEE TAEMIN DEAD??? CUZ LIKE HE DONT DESERVE THE HORRIBLE DEATH THAT WILL FACE HIM

TaeTaeFlower: ok u rite

 


                                                 



sunshinemin: WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO



 

goldencock: CALM THE FUCK DOWN MAYBE HE WANTS TO TELL YOU HE FEELS BAD???

TaeTaeFlower: the drama thickens

TaeTaeFlower: the dama is thicc

sunshinemin: i'll block you in real life. Btw, you tell about this to anyone i swear i'll cut your boyfriend's dick

TaeTaeFlower: WELL DAMN BITCH

 

 

 

 

 

[PRIVATE CHAT EVERYONE'S OTP]

 

 

 

TaeTaeFlower: Y'ALL WON'T BELIEVE THE TEA IM ABOUT TO SERVE

goldencock: TAEHYUNG NO

theprincess❀: SPILL THIS MOTHERFUCKING TEA KIM TAEHYUNG

destroyermon: you might wanna calm tf down

TaeTaeFlower: SO BASICALLY Y'ALL OMG FUCKING LEE TAEMIN KISSED OUR ONE AND ONLY SUNSHINE JIMIN

J-HOE: ONE AND ONLY SUNSHINE I AM /HURT/

TaeTaeFlower: no hyung you ain't a sunshine bro, listen bro... /you're the sun/

J-HOE: * clutches chest * bro

destroyermon: WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT CELESTIAL BODIES TAEMIN DID WHAT

theprincess❀: this tea is D E L I C I O U S

goldencock: jimin-hyung told us all not to tell you so keep y'all's mouths shut

TaeTaeFlower: im sorry i couldnt keep it to myself i had to share the tea and what might be the biggest drama that is about to unleash on this campus

 

 

 

 

[Private Chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

 

 

theprincess❀: Yoongi texting Jimin


 

sunshinemin: wjehfweiufhf

yoongles: I

J-HOE: wheres the lie tho

TaeTaeFlower: I fell

goldencock: what

TaeTaeFlower: i just fell on my butt

destroyermon: you should be the new king of destruction

theprincess❀: Namjoon, yesterday you broke a bath bomb just by grazing it with your finger

sunshinemin: how did u fell on your butt

TaeTaeFlower: i was walking vertically. Then I wasn't anymore. I'm shook

goldencock: babe... are you still on the ground in the position in which you fell?

TaeTaeFlower: yes

goldencock: im coming to get u up where u at

 



                                              




 

theprincess❀: …

theprincess❀: <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/12085326">@J-HOE</a><br />

destroyermon: what the

J-HOE: hyung what is dat

theprincess❀: read it y'all didn't see anything

J-HOE: wait is it dat SUGARDADDY AU

J-HOE: I mean.. y'all didn't see anything

yoongles: this is getting ridiculous



 

[Sunshine]

 

 

 

MinYoongi: hey

Sunshine: hey hyung <3 I'm going to dance practice now :D

MinYoongi: yea I know, wanted to ask u if u know around what time u'll come back, so that i can have dinner ready for u

Sunshine: awww thats so cute

Sunshine: I think i'll be there around nine?

MinYoongi: ok, ill wait for u

Sunshine: thanks Oppa

MinYoongi: FJEWWFGWEG

MinYoongi: jesus that was an almost fainting again

Sunshine: hyung

MinYoongi: ?

Sunshine: I love you so much, you know that right?

MinYoongi: what's wrong Jimin?

Sunshine: what nothing?? Now I cant tell my boyfriend how much I love him wow i see how dat is

MinYoongi: I'M SORRY YOU CAN TELL ME ALL THE TIME, ALL YOU WANT

MinYoongi: I love you too, sunshine

Sunshine: I know

MinYoongi: yeah, you know

 

 

 

 

[Private Chat EVERYONE'S OTP]

 

 

 

J-HOE: errr not for nothing but something's... not right

destroyermon: ??

J-HOE: I had to go real quick to the dance studio cuz i forgot my bag there and I can see Taemin and Jimin talking and it seems... well, kinda intimate?

Goldencock: Jimin went today so that he could tell taemin to back off, i think he's just being kind about it

theprincess❀: yeah, lets not worry too much

J-HOE: i dont think yall are understanding what im saying, im legit spying them from the windows and i cant hear what theyre saying but they're realy standing close to each other? Like, Taemin's hand is brushing jimin's

TaeTaeFlower: B O I

destroyermon: KEEP SPYING ON THEM BRING US THE TEA

J-HOE: u know it

J-HOE: ok, taemin is talking but jimin just shook his head and said something back

J-HOE: I think Jimin is apologizing or something, he looks pretty sad

J-HOE: jimin grabbed his bag

J-HOE: BITCH TAEMIN JUST RAN AFTER HIM AND GRABBED HIS ARM AND HE'S JUST SAYING SHIT, I THINK HE'S YELLING AT JIMIN?? AND STILL HOLDING HIS ARM LIKE REALLY HARD

goldencock: I'm about to throw hands, someone hold me before I kick his ass

TaeTaeFlower: I AINT GONNA HOLD YOU, IM GONNA KEEP HIM STILL SO THAT YOU KICK HIS ASS

theprincess❀: HOSEOK KEEP US UPDATED

J-HOE: Jimin is the one who's yelling now, he looks kinda pissed

J-HOE: Taemin's turn to yell now sjwoqdi3 YALL

destroyermon: A TYPO FOLLOWED BY A YALL, YOU KNOW SHITS GETTING REAL

J-HOE: JIMIN BITCH-SLAPPED TAEMIN SO FUCKING HARD THE DUDE FELL ON HIS ASS

TaeTaeFlower: WHATTTTT

J-HOE: I'M TELLING U, HE DEADASS WENT FOR A WHOLE BACKWARDS BITCH SLAP IM SO PROUD OF OUR MINNIE

theprincess❀: MY SON LOOK AT MY SON PRIDE IS NOT THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR

J-HOE: Jimin is leaving, more like running away, taemin bitch is still on his ass on the cold hard ground

J-HOE: justice has been served

 

 

 

 

[Sunshine]

 

 

Sunshine: im coming back now

MinYoongi: u just left tho???

MinYoongi: wait, did something happen?

Sunshine: i won't be participating in the showcase anymore but its fine

MinYoongi: what?? why?

Sunshine: taemin-hyung can't, he's too busy with exams and shit, whatever, its ok

MinYoongi: shit, im sorry babe. Come here, I have dinner cooking and ill run you a bath, mh? I'll even let u use some of my bath bombs

Sunshine: will you eat my ass too? (♥ω♥*)

MinYoongi: you know damn well I will

 

 

 

 

[Private Chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

 

TaeTaeFlower: @GoldenCock love

Goldencock: yes love?

theprincess❀: that's still so damn cute shit

TaeTaeFlower: remember that time I accidentally killed a butterfly? So to punish myself I said NO BUTTER FOR A WEEK

Goldencock: i do, you didnt eat butter for a week

TaeTaeFlower: and that time I killed a honeybee without meaning too and I cried so I told myself NO HONEY FOR A MONTH

Goldencock: I do, love, you're very firm with your own rules

TaeTaeFlower: yeah. I just killed a cockroach without meaning to, so just wanted to let you know

destroyermon: LMAOOOO

J-HOE: FUCKING SAVAGE OMG

Goldencock: TAEHYUNGNG NO

TaeTaeFlower: rules are rules, jungkookie

Goldencock: FUCK RULES ACCEPT MY DICK FUCK COCKROACHES WHO CARES ABOUT THEM ANYWAY

 

 

 

[Private Chat CYPHER PT QUEER]

 

 

destroyermon: sigh Jin is cooking, I wanted to cuddle but he hit me on the head with a laddle this is abuse

J-HOE: you have a man who cooks for you what are you even complaining about, Jeonghan can't even spell egg

yoongles: question

yoongles: what do you do when the most precious, beautiful, lovely, adorable, pure, precious x2 human being falls asleep on you but you really need to take a shit?

J-HOE: you endure it like a man

yoongles: thought so

destroyermon: hey, is jimin alright?

yoongles: yeah? Why u asking

destroyermon: nah, just wondering, kid pushes himself too much, sometimes i wonder how he manages to do all the shit he does

yoongles: he's amazing thats how. Anyways, he wont be able to participate to the showcase cuz that taemin dipshit bailed on him last minute. Prick. At least thats one less responsibility on his shoulders

J-HOE: mh, right

yoongles: he's waking up omg hes so fucking cute, he looks like the softest baby

destroyermon: screenshotting the fuck out of this to use as blackmail material

yoongles: guess it's time i send jin-hyung the screenshot of our conversation that we had on march 23, year 2016, at five pm sharp

destroyermon: DELETING THE FUCK OUT OF THIS SCREENSHOT AHAHAHAHAH

J-HOE: HE REMEMBERS THE DATE HE'S SO FUCKING SCARY FUCK YOU HYUNG OMFG

 



 

 


                                                     




 

 


                                       


 

Chapter Text

[Private Chat WE DEM BOYZ]

 

 

 

TaeTaeFlower: I HAVE BEEN HACKED

destroyermon: yes goodmorning everyone

TaeTaeFlower: I REPEAT YOU HOES I H A V E B E E N H A C K E D

goldencock: OMG TAEHYUNG DID SOMEONE LEAK THE NUDES

J-HOE: oh my god what even

TaeTaeFlower: JUFNFCJOOKD NOT T HE DFUCKNFG NUDESX

TaeTaeFlower: NO SOMEONE HACKED IN MY EMAIL OR SOMETHING?? OR IN MY AO3 ACCOUNT IDK

yoongles: wtf is an ao3

sunshinemin: dont ask

theprincess❀: everyone calm down. Taehyung, my favorite darling son, explain what is happening

TaeTaeFlower: OKAY SO I WAKE UP AND I'M LIKE TIME TO TAKE MY MORNING SLEEPY SOFT NUDE TO SEND TO JUNGKOOK

goldencock: I was wondering why I still hadnt received it

TaeTaeFlower: BUT FIRST I DO MY USUAL STALKING OF THE CHANBAEK TAG SO I LOG ON AO3 AND MY GODDAMN INBOX IS /SPAMMED/ WITH COMMENTS AND IM LIKE THE FUCK THE WHO AND THE WHAT

TaeTaeFlower: I THEN NOTICE THAT I HAVE /34/ PUBLISHED WORKS WHEN I NEVER PUBLISHED SHIT????

sunshinemin: wait what

TaeTaeFlower: SOMEONE PUBLISHED ALL OF MY FANFICTIONS ABOUT US BUT CHANGED THE CHARACTERS TO IDOLS. THERE ARE TEN CHANBAEKS, TWO SEKAIS, 11 GODDAMN MARKSON FICS AND EVEN SOMETHING WITH SHINEE IDK I WAS TOO CONFUSED. SOMEONE HACKED ONTO MY COMPUTER, CHANGED THE CHARACTERS AND PUBLISHED MY STORIES

destroyermon: omg this is insane!

Yoongles: you wrote 34 fucking stories about us?

TaeTaeFlower: THAT IS NOT THE POINT, I SAY SWEATING PROFUSELY

goldencock: are the comments positive

TaeTaeFlower: they actually are, everyone is so nice and apparently I am a smut god JUNGKOOK DONT DISTRACT ME THIS IS SERIOUS

theprincess❀: who could have done this.... this is some serious chaothic good shit

J-HOE: Wow. I have no idea. Who could have. Done this. You find me. Swimming in overflowring confusion.

Sunshinemin: …

yoongles: …

destroyermon: … hoseok

TaeTaeFlower: SNDBWEIFCBWEI329 WHY WOULD U DO THIS

TaeTaeFlower: YOU EVEN LEFT MY TWITTER HANDLE I HAVE LIKE 500 NEW FOLLOWERS

J-HOE: to my excuse: you left your laptop at my place when u came over for our study session, me and Jeonghan (love of my life, sweet flower in a desert full of cacti, the most beautiful man) got drunk and he started reading ur stories, said he popped a boner at the originally yoonmin one with soft dom yoongi

sunshinemin: soft dom, wow, I never read a truer statement

yoongles: SUNSHINE NO

J-HOE: and then Jeonghan dared me to do it so here we are, you're welcome

TaeTaeFlower: I AM NOT THANKFUL YOU HOE, YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND ARE DANGEROUS

theprincess❀: and once again, goodmorning everyone

 

 


 

 

goldencock: YALL READY FOR THIS WEEKEND????

sunshinemin: I hate how excited u are about this stupid thing

goldencock: EVERLAAAAAND

theprincess❀: Hoseok, you need to thank Jeonghan again for the free tickets

J-HOE: yes. I can't wait. To go. And do. The secret zombie mission. Cant wait.

Sunshinemin: does Jeonghan know that you get scared even of your own shadow

J-HOE: … no

TaeTaeFlower: EVERLAAAAND

 

 


 

 

yoongles: ok heres the plan, as soon as we're inside we'll be divided by teams, everyone go with their respective boyfriend and we keep the chat going, we need to know who's in danger and who isn't

sunshinemin: you're taking this way too seriously

yoongles: you're scared, I see, hold my hand

sunshinemin: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S SCARED

goldencock: EVERLAAAAAND

sunshinemin: we should create another chat and add Jeonghan in it too, for the mission

J-HOE: GOOD IDEA!

 

 


 

 

J-HOE created the private chat SPOOKETH BITCHES

J-HOE added Jeongpunzel , sunshinemin, yoongles, destroyermon, goldencock, TaeTaeFlower and ❀theprincess❀ to the chat

 

 

Jeongpunzel: hey guys

J-HOE: hey my love

Jeongpunzel: youre sitting right next to me, im talking to the others

TaeTaeFlower: Jeonghan, one of my fics is the third most kudoed fics of the chanbaek tag what DID YOU DO

Jeongpunzel: ur welcome

yoongles: I see now why u two are together

 

 


 

 

J-HOE: JCFHNWFOIFJOE3 FRHFIRFIWHFNWENFOWEFIUHFNC WE KCQWI FI CFKE FIBENFE 4F34OUFHOCWECDNLKNFERF FJB4FOWELC

sunshinemin: ID ONT KNOW IF HES TRYING TO TYPE SOMETHING OR HES JUST SCARED STILL RUNS U B ITCHEDX

Jeongpunzel: HES JUST SCARED IM RUNNING LIKE A BITCH IN HEAT WHEN SHE SIGHTS A DICK

TaeTaeFlower: THIS IS SO COOL EVERLAAAAAND

destroyermon: WHY DO WE HAVE TO ESCAPE THE ZOMBIES EVEN BEFORE WE GET TO THE SECRET MISSION THIS IS STUPID

theprincess❀: I STOLE A HAMMER I REPEAT I HAVE A WEAPON

sunshinemin: OMG YOONGI HYUNG JUST TRIED TO FUCKING PUNCH A ZOMBIE

yoongles: HE SNEAKED UP ON ME HE GON CATCH THESE HANDS

goldencock: reached the safe zone whilst Tae piggyback rided me, waiting for the rest of the team, over

Jeongpunzel: WHY IS HE TAKING THIS SO SERIOUSLY

J-HOE: JUDBHI9W3HDEJNCFOWDBNVOWENHCOSNDQW

 

 


 

 

destroyermon: ok, everyone is on their respective track right

goldencock: yes, over

yoongles: jimin, time to hold hands and punch zombies in the face

sunshinemin: i am not punching anyone also stop texting me when we're standing right next to each other

jeongpunzel: I am trying to move forward but Hoseok legit is holding me back, he keeps saying zombies will hit on me once they see how pretty I am and, I mean, not impossible but also not the point

TaeTaeFlower: FOUND A SECRET ROOM I GO IN

goldencock: I

goldencock: a zombie LEGIT ROWRED AT TAEHYUNG AND HE JUST WENT “Whatever, thank you” WHAT KIND OF FEARLESS MONSTER

theprincess❀: we thought the zombies were going to kill us, no one expected Taehudjenfoije4jf4

sunshinemin: what

destroyermon WE ARE BEING ATTACKED I REPEAT WE ARE BEING ATTACKED, JIN AND I ARE RETREATING

goldencock: IS HE INJURED, OVER

Jeongpunzel: HE CANT BE INJURED THIS IS A GAME WHY IS HE SO SERIOUS ABOUT THIS

sunshinemin: yoongi and I are moving forward. Yoongi is like pushing me behind his back and i thought it was romantic until I realized he's just holding my hand cuz he's scared shitless

Jeongpunzel: we're proceeding, too, I'm just dragging Hoseok along he's begging me to go back home sigh

Jeongpunzel: ZOMBIE IN ROOM X DONT GO TO ROOM X SHE IS FAST AND WEARING REALLY HIGH HEELS

goldencock: WE ARE SURROUNDED, TAEHYUNG AND I ARE RUNNING LIKE SONIC

yoongles: shit I see zombies hiding behind fucking curtains

theprincess❀: … is that Yoongi I'm hearing screaming: COME AT ME YOU TRICK ASS BITCH I WILL FIGHT

sunshinemin: yes anFUCKDN DJSSZ

yoongles: YALL THIS IS MORE SERIOUS THAN WE THOUGHT

Jeongpunzel: have you been attacked????

yoongles: THE ZOMBIES ARENT JUST ZOMBIES

yoongles: THEY ARE /WHITE/ ZOMBIES

goldencock: …

TaeTaeFlower: …

destroyermon: …

theprincess❀: …

Jeongpunzel: …

J-HOE: this iS A NIGHTMARE

TaeTaeFlower: I CANT BELIEVE THEY WOULD PUT CAUCASIAN GODDAMN ZOMBIES RUN THE FUCK AWAY

yoongles: I LOST JIMIN

sunshinemin: I'M COMING KEEP RUNNING I HEAR YOUR SCREECHES IM ALMOST THER STOP CALLING FOR MY ASS I'M COMING

yoongles: HOLD MY HAND WHERE ARE YOU

goldencock: THIS WAS A MISTAKE, OVER

 

 


 

 

theprincess❀: i have a plan. Me and namjoon are hiding in a room that has props. We will go through a makeover that will be even better than america's next top model and try to mix ourselves with the zombies

sunshinemin: this might be the worst idea I've ever heard.

Jeongpunzel: Hoseok is crouching in a corner and refusing to move away I'll keep u updated

TaeTaeFlower: we found clues! A very tall lady was hiding them

goldencock: we're moving to our goal, over

yoongles: ok, Jimin is in full satoori mode because he's freaking out, I feel like we're losing control

 

 


 

 

Jeongpunzel: why can I hear Jin hyung screaming from here

destroyermon: THE MAKE OVER DIDN'T WORK THEY SPOTTED US

theprincess❀: WE ARE MOVING TO ANOTHER ROOM

sunshinemin: A ZOMBIE JUST GROPED ME AND NOW YOONGI HYUNG IS CHASING HIM

destroyermon: STOP THAT FUCKING LUNATIC

 

 


 

 

Jeongpunzel: despite my boyfriend being a dead weight, I have found a hint and moving forward

sunshinemin: jeonghan out there being the real mvp, flipping his hair at the zombies

TaeTaeFlower: we are found the room :D

yoongles: why is he being so pure

goldencock: he's having so much fun, i'm truly blessed by his smile in this land of desolation and monsters, over

theprincess❀: i feel like JK legit went in full roleplay mode

 

 


 

 

Jeongpunzel: found the room! I have to put some sort of code??

Jeongpunzel: DNA, what even

TaeTaeFlower: why do I have the sudden urge to start aggressively whistling and break into a dance choreo?

Goldencock: idk but same, over

sunshinemin: tbh I feel like holding Yoongi's hand and doing a wave with our arms or something

yoongles: ikr what a weird thing

 

 


 

 

Jeongpunzel: HOSEOK AND I ARE OUT! HOSEOK IS CRYING AND TELLING ME HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME AND HOW HE WILL NEVER GIVE LIFE FOR GRANTED AGAIN????

goldencock: this kind of life changes you, over

 

 


 

 

destroyermon: I legit just saw Yoongi running away, screaming his lungs out with Jimin thrown over his shoulder

sunshinemin: THIS IS JIMIN REPORTING FROM YOONGI'S SHOULDER: ANOTHER ZOMBIE ATTACKED US AND YOONGI SCREAMED “AIN'T NO CAUCASIAN GON CATCH MY BOYFRIEND OR THEY GON CATCH THESE HANDS” THEN PROCEEDED TO THROW ME OVER HIS SHOULDER, HE'S STILL RUNNING

sunshinemin: P.S. His arms got THICC

theprincess❀: what even is going on at this point

 

 


 

 

TaeTaeFlower: * whistles as he enters the code and gtfo *

goldencock: me and taehyung are out. The sky looks bright. But the scars of tonight's events will never leave us. The Last of Us ain't got shit on us. The horrible wounds... we will carry them forever... over. And out.

Destroyermon: STOP FUCKING ROLE PLAYING

 

 


 

 

theprincess❀: we're out as well and hoseok is still crying

sunshinemin: we're almost there, we found our clue and

sunshinemin: OH MY GOD

goldencock: what is happening???? over

sunshinemin: A ZOMBIE APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE IN FRONT OF ME, YOONGI HYUNG PUSHED ME AWAY AND THE ZOMBIE GOT HIM

Jeongpunzel: … wait what

sunshinemin: HE'S CRAWLING I THINK HE'S BEEN BITTEN

destroyermon: jimin this is a game what are you talking about

sunshinemin: WHAT DO I DO

yoongles: sunshine... go

TaeTaeFlower: qwbdiuefbiebw

goldencock: dear God, this is too cruel

sunshinemin: HYUNG GET UP WE CAN STILL MAKE IT

yoongles: he bit me... its too late for me

sunshinemin: … hyung

Jeongpunzel: are they actually texting each other as they roleplay IN FRONT OF EACH OTHER

TaeTaeFlower: ssshhh im invested in this shit

yoongles: you need to run before they come back

sunshinemin: I AM NOT LEAVING YOU

TaeTaeFlower: THE IM NOT LEAVING YOU LINE, A CLASSIC

yoongles: I CAN'T BEAR TO WATCH YOU DIE BECAUSE OF ME SO GO

sunshinemin: Yoongi. I told you before, as we were hiding during the first outbreak... that if I were to die I'd rather do it by your side

destroyermon: when did they ever hide from the outbreak what is going on

sunshinemin: and I said that if you were to die, then I would have died with you

yoongles: sunshine …

Jeongpunzel: goddamn im actually getting emotional over here

yoongles: you need to live for me as well, I couldn't forgive myself if you were to die just because I was too careless

sunshinemin: but-

yoongles: no. Jimin, run. For me.

TaeTaeFlower: NO OMG THEY DONT DESERVE THIS KINDA ANGST

sunshinemin: I AM LOST WITHOUT YOU I DONT WANT TO LEAVE

yoongles: they're coming, Jimin! Run, or I will never forgive you!

Yoongles: and don't forget what we promised each other when those zombies were trying to break in that mall where we hid last year

destroyermon: WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT

yoongles: “If one of us dies... the other one will see the end of this godforsaken days for the other as well”

sunshinemin: * a single tear rolls down my left cheek * Yoongi....

yoongles: SHIT THEY'R HERE! I'LL HOLD THEM OFF, YOU RUN!

theprincess❀: oh my god no this cant happen

sunshinemin: * kisses Yoongi for the last time * I won't love anyone else the way I loved you. No one.

TaeTaeFlower: FUCK

Yoongles: * throws himself with a gun with just five bullets in the hoard of zombies *

destroyermon: WHY DOES HE HAVE A GUN NOW

sunshinemin: * runs away, despair in his eyes, his heart breaking, his love behind him, but life ahead *

TaeTaeFlower: * AGGRESSIVELY CLAPS *

goldencock: and so... another innocent life taken... another young love broken by monsters... and the world weeps...

goldencock: OVER

Jeongpunzel: that was so fucking beautiful, I'm in tears

J-HOE: … I want to go home. And watch Totoro.

 

 

 

[SeokToTheJin]

 

SeokToTheJin: hey Hobi, u feeling better

Hobi: I keep seeing those damn white zombies

SeokToTheJin: … i have something for you

Hobi: … is it... by any chance

SeokToTheJin: she did it again, this time with chapters, you didn't hear it from me THE FIC

Hobi: are there zombies in it

SeokToTheJin: what?? No???

Hobi: oh thanks god