It's a rainy day when I finally find out you're gone; they didn't tell me right away. I made some off-hand comment about you. Buffy dropped her eyes, shuffled her feet, and then mumbled that you were dead. Willow quietly left the room.
I wasn't here for your funeral—half way round the world, entirely round the world, whatever—and then I spent 3 months crazy, all for Buffy. Which was bloody stupid because I should have been crazy for grief over you.
I'm sorry it took me so long to get here.
You smiled at me, always, and made me feel normal, alive—like I was there and mattered and wasn't just a sodding walking corpse. I didn't know I'd want that—need that—from you. You witches were so happy that I never thought about disrupting it.
I asked—once—about you. I figured Dawn would be the most sympathetic, the least likely to give a sarcastic retort or to laugh when the words hit me. She said she had found you, but Willow watched you die. I punched the wall; scared Dawn enough that her lip quivered even though the rest of her didn't.
You know it took Will a day to track Warren down? A day. She had all that power and yet she lacked the one essential skill of a predator. Then she killed him, snuffed out his life in moments. There was torture, screaming, and pain (I get that more from Willow's face, her hesitation with magic), but nothing lasting. All that power and she let him die. Willow wasn't really evil—she was in it, yeah, but evil, really evil? Warren should have been insane, tortured until begging for his life, and then forced to live forever. He could have been turned into the monster he longed to be—damned forever—but Willow let him die.
I wouldn't have.
I know something about evil. You don't—didn't—that's what I loved about you. You could see it, but you didn't know it.
I'm almost glad you died because now you'll never know it, never know me, and you'll keep smiling at me because you don't know how often I dream of torturing Warren, or how often I bleed in anger over what I didn't know I should want, or how often I wake up with your name on my lips.