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nothinglessthanseveninches added alighterwood, thehotblonde, redheadartist, lewissimonlewis, magnusificant, alinepenhallow and halffairhalfgay to the chat.


nothinglessthanseveninches: welcome everyone!

alighterwood: ...Really Izzy?

lewissimonlewis: this should be fun!

redheadartist: oh, this is such a good idea iz

nothinglessthanseveninches: why thank you babe

magnusificant: I agree with the biscuit, this is a great idea Isabelle.

thehotblonde: who exactly is in this chat?

lewissimonlewis: I’m here

thehotblonde: oh crap

nothinglessthanseveninches: ty magnus, be nice jace. everyone, show yourselves.

alinepenhallow: isn't this just our friends from school + magnus?

nothinglessthanseveninches: yup! excluding Lydia, because she is a poop.

alinepenhallow: cool. good idea izzy.

alinepenhallow: helen is here with me as well

alinepenhallow: hey! – h

magnusificant: my favourite girlfriends on a date?

alinepenhallow: kind of? helen invited me over. not sure whether it’s a date or extreme babysitting.

redheadartist: oh yeah, how many siblings do you have again helen?

redheadartist: also, i'm hurt magnus. i thought me and izzy were your favourite girlfriends

alinepenhallow: six; four brothers and two sisters. I’m the oldest. – h

magnusificant: you are, biscuit.

alighterwood: I have three and they already drive me insane, I can’t imagine having double that amount

thehotblonde: I am offended alec!

nothinglessthanseveninches: same here! I am hurt and wounded!

alighterwood: jace, you are so cocky that it offends anyone who is near you.

alighterwood: izzy, that name is hurtful enough to everyone who may read it.

nothinglessthanseveninches: …

thehotblonde: …

lewissimonlewis: damn. sassy alec returns, this time through social media.

magnusificant: is this what I miss out on during lunches?

redheadartist: yeah basically

redheadartist: plus, a lot more gayness

magnusificant: that’s almost a given, biscuit.


lewissimonlewis changed the chat name to ‘no one is straight’


nothinglessthanseveninches: accurate

thehotblonde: I’ll have you know I am straight!

redheadartist: actually?

thehotblonde: y e s


lewissimonlewis: you are forevermore going to be the token straight friend

thehotblonde: no way


alighterwood changed thehotblonde’s nickname to ‘token cocky straight one’


token cocky straight one: REALLY ALEC?!


lewissimonlewis changed the chat name to ‘no one is straight except for jace’


token cocky straight one: you too simon?

redheadartist: you can't actually be surprised

token cocky straight one: yeah i should have seen this heterophobia coming


token cocky straight one removed his nickname


redheadartist: did you just

nothinglessthanseveninches: oh, shit clary is angry

magnusificant: I’ll assist with the yelling

alighterwood: you fucked up jace

thehotblonde: oh shit

redheadartist: you have the fucking nerve to say that heterophobia exists when lgbt+ people are literally being fired, evicted, abused, attacked and fucking murdered just for not being cishet? you and your terrible empty blonde head of yours can go and fuck off jace herondale.

thehotblonde: waitwaitwait i'm sorry jfc it was a joke

redheadartist: oh, we're not done

thehotblonde: we?

magnusificant: if you think that your shitty ass cishet self can just say things like that as jokes while legitimate people D I E from being queer we have a serious issue. even if it was a fucking joke.

thehotblonde: i just got severely sassed

thehotblonde: but i am sorry magnus

magnusificant: good

nothinglessthanseveninches: well i'm glad that is sorted. now, i have a question.

redheadartist: it might seem strange

lewissimonlewis: how are your lungs?

alinepenhallow: are they in pain?

alinepenhallow: cause mine are aching - h

redheadartist: think i know why

lewissimonlewis: i kinda like it though

alinepenhallow: YOU WANNA TRYYY

alighterwood: ...what was that

redheadartist: beauty

nothinglessthanseveninches: whatever

nothinglessthanseveninches: anyways,

nothinglessthanseveninches: who in this chat is single?

thehotblonde: me, surprisingly.

lewissimonlewis: me

alighterwood: you know i am izzy

magnusificant: and i am :(


private chat between alighterwood and nothinglessthanseveninches


nothinglessthanseveninches: so

nothinglessthanseveninches: magnus is single

alighterwood: Izzy don't

nothinglessthanseveninches: you guys would be a cute couple

alighterwood: cut it out Isabelle

nothinglessthanseveninches: stop with that. I know you alec.

alighterwood: don't play matchmaker izzy.

nothinglessthanseveninches: you're no fun.


group chat 'no one is straight except for jace'


redheadartist: fight me jace

alighterwood: i was gone for a minute what did i miss

redheadartist: jace said that draco is better than ron!

thehotblonde: Draco is the mysterious half-villain, plus he's probably lgbt+

redheadartist: but ron is so overlooked! he is a smart, loyal devoted friend who stayed by harry

thehotblonde: you just like him because you're a redhead

nothinglessthanseveninches: i like Luna

redheadartist: FUCK OFF JACE

lewissimonlewis: jace are you trying to make her hate you?

magnusificant: i think he just has that effect on people

thehotblonde: ... thanks magnus

lewissimonlewis: wow i could almost smell the sarcasm

alinepenhallow: no it might just be his cockiness you can smell from the other side of New York

thehotblonde: ouch aline

alinepenhallow: actually that was helen :)

alighterwood: well done

alinepenhallow: thanks alec <3 - h

nothinglessthanseveninches: jace is complaining again brb

redheadartist: good luck babe <3

nothinglessthanseveninches: <3

magnusificant: you two are cute biscuit.

alighterwood: i agree.

alinepenhallow: wow. alec saying clary and izzy are cute? him not being a bitch to clary? what?

alighterwood: okay shut up.


Chapter Text


group chat 'no one is straight except for jace'


nothinglessthanseveninches: guysssss

nothinglessthanseveninches: guess who I convinced to join?

nothinglessthanseveninches added womenkickass to the chat


nothinglessthanseveninches: it’s lydia!

womenkickass: Why have you added me Isabelle?

nothinglessthanseveninches: because we need a mature person here

alighterwood: ‘convinced to join’ clearly

nothinglessthanseveninches: and alec doesn’t count as mature (shut up alec)

womenkickass: Whatever. Who else is in this chat?

nothinglessthanseveninches: me, isabelle.

alighterwood: this is alec

redheadartist: clary here!

lewissimonlewis: lewis. simon lewis.

redheadartist: stfu simon

thehotblonde: I’m jace, the hot blonde, as my username states

magnusificant: magnus bane, at your service.

magnusificant: well, not really, but it sounds nice.

alinepenhallow: it’s aline.

alinepenhallow: the gay one

halffairhalfgay: I’m helen. the bisexual one with a million siblings.

womenkickass: Okay.

womenkickass: Well as Isabelle said, I’m Lydia.

redheadartist: welcome to this gay hell

womenkickass: what

magnusificant: we are all lgbt+ here (excluding jace)

lewissimonlewis: hence the chat name

womenkickass: Ah, right.

magnusificant: isabelle dear, would I be able to add a few people to this chat?

nothinglessthanseveninches: go for it

magnusificant added nevertrustaduck, yinfen and shapechangertess to the chat.


magnusificant: welcome friends!

nevertrustaduck: what the fuck magnus?

halffairhalfgay: language

nevertrustaduck: what the heck magnus?

halffairhalfgay: better.

yinfen: what is this magnus?

magnusificant: a group chat! with the other mostly-queer group at school.

thehotblonde: hey, will!

nevertrustaduck: hey cousin

yinfen: wait who is everyone?

nothinglessthanseveninches: scroll up, we discussed it earlier.

redheadartist: wait what are you guys’ names?

yinfen: I’m jem. the one with grey hair.

shapechangertess: tessa gray.

nevertrustaduck: will herondale, the better herondale cousin.

thehotblonde: hey! have you seen me?

nevertrustaduck: yes. my point stands.

shapechangertess: wait magnus you added raphael, right?

magnusificant: oh nope I forgot his username

thehotblonde: i’m offended will.

lewissimonlewis: raphael santiago?

magnusificant: yeah, why?

lewissimonlewis: no reason

shapechangertess added santiagoaway to the chat


santiagoaway: tessa what the fuck is this

halffairhalfgay: for the last time, language!

santiagoaway: it’s English.

halffairhalfgay: -.-

yinfen: it’s a group chat raphael

santiagoaway: oh wow thanks jem I never noticed that

santiagoaway: who are the rest of these people?

magnusificant: scroll up, everyone was introduced earlier.

lewissimonlewis: hey and welcome!

santiagoaway: oh hi simon

santiagoaway: two and a half.

santiagoaway: that’s the number of decent people here.

nothinglessthanseveninches: who are these two and a half people?

santiagoaway: alec, simon, and ½ jem.

magnusificant: ignore him, he is always grumpy

shapechangertess: he even rivals Mr Fell’s grumpiness

yinfen: is that half of me is decent, or I am half decent?

santiagoaway: you are decent, but your choice of partners makes you not decent.

shapechangertess: ouch

nevertrustaduck: that hurt

lewissimonlewis: I’m glad you find me decent raphael

santiagoaway: that’s fine simon.

private chat between lewissimonlewis and redheadartist


redheadartist: oooh si

redheadartist: is this ‘raphael santiago’ a new boycrush of yours?

lewissimonlewis: shut up fray

redheadartist: never

redheadartist: I’m glad you’ve found someone else to stare longingly at (who isn’t my girlfriend)

lewissimonlewis: fuck off fray

group chat ‘no one is straight except for jace’


nothinglessthanseveninches: aleeeeeeec

alighterwood: yes?

nothinglessthanseveninches: who can I ship you with?

alighterwood: no comment.

alighterwood: why are you asking this?

nothinglessthanseveninches has changed alighterwood’s nickname to ‘boring ass alec’


boring ass alec: really izzy?

redheadartist: that’s harsh iz

alighterwood: thank you clary

redheadartist has changed alighterwood’s nickname to ‘slightly boring alec’


slightly boring alec: I take back my thanks

magnusificant: you guys are both mean

magnusificant: I mean, look at this face

magnusificant sent a photo message

alinepenhallow: that’s an impressive pout there alec

nothinglessthanseveninches: are you guys hanging out?!

magnusificant: yep!

redheadartist: guys izzy just started screaming into my pillow what do I do

lewissimonlewis: tell her we need other ships in this chat so she should focus

nothinglessthanseveninches: okay I’m back.

nothinglessthanseveninches: who can I ship next

redheadartist: well there’s obviously us, and helen & aline

lewissimonlewis: clizzy and heline

halffairhalfgay: Heline. I love that.

alinepenhallow: and I love you.


nothinglessthanseveninches: will, tessa, jem

nothinglessthanseveninches: anyone I can ship any of you with?

shapechangertess: we’re already dating.

redheadartist: ??

yinfen: polyamory.

nothinglessthanseveninches: ohhhhh

redheadartist: okay :)

lewissimonlewis: aaa nice

nothinglessthanseveninches: ship name?

womenkickass: Jem, your surname is Carstairs, right?

yinfen: yes

womenkickass: HeronGrayStairs

shapechangertess: I love that so much omg

nevertrustaduck: that’s great lydia

yinfen: they’re both smiling like idiots (we’re skyping) thank you

nothinglessthanseveninches: lydia! who can I ship you with?

womenkickass: No one.

nothinglessthanseveninches: :( please

womenkickass: I’m aromantic Isabelle.

nothinglessthanseveninches: oh I didn’t know! I’m sorry lydiaaaa

womenkickass: It’s fine.

redheadartist: what about you raphael? anyone we can ship you with?

santiagoaway: death

thehotblonde: same

nothinglessthanseveninches: what about simon?

redheadartist: I like that ship. what would the name be?

santiagoaway: saphael

lewissimonlewis: ^!!!

nevertrustaduck: that adorable

santiagoaway: shut the fuck up

nevertrustaduck: no

santiagoaway left the chat


shapechangertess: how rude

shapechangertess added santiagoaway to the chat


lewissimonlewis: don’t leave again pls!

santiagoaway: fine

thehotblonde: I hate to interrupt this cuteness, but where are alec and magnus? they were here a while ago.

nothinglessthanseveninches: ohh my god you’re right

nothinglessthanseveninches changed the chat name to ‘quest to find alec and magnus’


nothinglessthanseveninches: this is important we are all friends with at least one of them

nevertrustaduck: can we place bets on where we think they are?

shapechangertess: NO

yinfen: no William

shapechangertess: well, hypothetical bets are fine but no gambling for you.

nevertrustaduck: you guys have no faith in me

shapechangertess: for obvious reasons

yinfen: will accept my skype request please

lewissimonlewis: stubborn herondale #2 left the skype call?

shapechangertess: ye

shapechangertess: I’m going to go yell at my boyfriend for ignoring jem. bye guys, lovely to meet you.

yinfen: farewell also

redheadartist: they are so lovely omg


lewissimonlewis: where do you think they are izzy?

thehotblonde: well they’re together, judging from the above messages

nothinglessthanseveninches: if I say ‘on a date’ is that wishful thinking?

lewissimonlewis: yes

redheadartist: yeah probably

alinepenhallow: I return and there was a discussion on shipping and now the otp are missing waddup

redheadartist: hey aline

womenkickass: izzy, jace, you live with alec. is he home?

thehotblonde: idk I can check

santiagoaway: …really? you didn’t think to do that?

lewissimonlewis: they aren’t the smartest obviously

thehotblonde: alec isn’t in his room

redheadartist: it is only like 6pm, they could be haning out after class. they’re seniors, they have weird timetables.

lewissimonlewis: …

nothinglessthanseveninches: babe

nothinglessthanseveninches: you’re amazing

nothinglessthanseveninches: but also an idiot

redheadartist: ??

lewissimonlewis: it’s Saturday.

redheadartist: oh

lewissimonlewis changed redheadartist’s nickname to ‘idiot’


idiot: simonnnnnn

idiot: I hate you

lewissimonlewis: no you don’t

idiot: shut the fuck up

halffairhalfgay: LANGUAGE

idiot: sorry

alinepenhallow: hel were you lurking and waiting for someone to mess up so you could do that?

halffairhalfgay: pfffff noooo

private chat between santiagoaway and magnusificant


santiagoaway: hey

santiagoaway: where the fuck are you

santiagoaway: your friends in the group chat are on a search for you and your boy

santiagoaway: can one of you answer it’s getting annoying

magnusificant: oh fine

santiagoaway: good

magnusificant: IF you answer my one question, yes or no

santiagoaway: fucking fine then go

magnusificant: is simon the guy in your grade that you loooooove?

santiagoaway: …

santiagoaway blocked magnusificant


magnusificant: 1) REALLY?

magnusificant: 2) I’m taking that as a yes.


Chapter Text


private conversation between thehotblonde and alighterwood


thehotblonde: alec

thehotblonde: where tf are you?

alighterwood: I’m meeting up with classmates for studying. Not at home.

thehotblonde: you nerd

alighterwood: shut up cocky

thehotblonde: wait if you’re studying, how did magnus get a photo of you?

thehotblonde: alec?

private conversation between alighterwood and magnusificant


magnusificant: I heard a crash, are you okay?

alighterwood: yeah I’ll be fine, I’m just clumsy

magnusificant: good. I can’t have you being hurt

alighterwood: *blushing emoji*

alighterwood: I’ll be out in a minute

magnusificant: of the closet?

alighterwood: maybe soon.

magnusificant: oh

magnusificant: I was joking but if you want to and feel ready to?

alighterwood: I don’t see why not. my friends all know I’m gay, how much harm could coming out properly bring? Also, most of them ship us, especially izzy.

alighterwood: we could also tell them about whatever ‘us’ is. if that’s okay with you, of course.

magnusificant: okay come over here and talk to me properly, not through messages.

magnusificant: but yes that is more than okay with me alexander.

alighterwood: yeah okay

group chat ‘quest to find alec and magnus’


nothinglessthanseveninches: it’s the next morning and the chat name still applies

nothinglessthanseveninches: why isn’t anyone else up?

thehotblonde: cause to most humans it’s still sleep time?

idiot: it’s too fucking early to be awake ;-;

halffairhalfgay: la n g u a g e

halffairhalfgay: but really it’s not that early. I was woken up by two twelve year olds and an eight year old two hours ago.

idiot: its 8ammmmmm

idiot: that’s school wake up, not Sunday morning

nothinglessthanseveninches: it’s not that early babe

idiot: stfu

nothinglessthanseveninches removed redheadartist’s nickname


redheadartist: <3

redheadartist: I’m going back to sleep bai

nothinglessthanseveninches: <3

nothinglessthanseveninches: BUT WHERE IS MALEC

slightly boring alec: I’m here izzy

slightly boring alec: crap

slightly boring alec removed his nickname


nothinglessthanseveninches: WHERE WERE YOU

nothinglessthanseveninches: WERE YOU WITH MAGNUS

nothinglessthanseveninches: WHY ARE YOU RESPONDING ONLY NOW

nothinglessthanseveninches: ARE YOU HOME

alighterwood: out, not saying, because I was asleep, yes.

nothinglessthanseveninches: WHERE ARE YOU

alighterwood: in my room

nothinglessthanseveninches: I MUST INTERROGATE IN PERSONN

alighterwood: I’m not unlocking my door.

nothinglessthanseveninches: ughhhhhh

private conversation between alighterwood and magnusificant


alighterwood: are you awake?

alighterwood: I have only just realised that if you aren’t, you won’t reply.

magnusificant: aha yes I’m awake alexander

alighterwood: oh okay.

alighterwood: how was your night?

magnusificant: it was amazing early on. A bit more disappointing after you had to leave.

alighterwood: I am really sorry about that.

alighterwood: I could make it up to you?

magnusificant: are you asking me on another date?

alighterwood: I guess? I had a lot of fun yesterday with you.

magnusificant: you never cease to amaze me Alexander.

magnusificant: I would love to.

alighterwood: great.

group chat ‘quest to find alec and magnus’


nothinglessthanseveninches: aleeeeccccc

nothinglessthanseveninches: let me innnn

nothinglessthanseveninches: ANSWER MEEE

santiagoaway: this is kind of funny to watch

nothinglessthanseveninches: oh piss off

nothinglessthanseveninches: is nobody else awake?

santiagoaway: probably not

nothinglessthanseveninches: why are you awake?

santiagoaway: I haven’t slept.

nothinglessthanseveninches: oh

magnusificant: Raphael unblock me

nothinglessthanseveninches: MAGNUS!

nothinglessthanseveninches: first, why did he block you?

nothinglessthanseveninches: second, WHERE WERE YOU AND ALEC?

santiagoaway: I can’t see what he’s saying bc I blocked him what’s going on

magnusificant: I won’t speak until grumpy unblocks me

nothinglessthanseveninches: Raphael pls unblock him or he won’t spill answers.

santiagoaway: no

lewissimonlewis: why are you guys awakeeeee

nothinglessthanseveninches: SIMON HELP ME (read above)

lewissimonlewis: raph please unblock him?

santiagoaway: fine

santiagoaway: done.

nothinglessthanseveninches: NOW SPILL MAGNUS

alighterwood: don’t interrogate him iz

nothinglessthanseveninches: IM GOING TO INTERROGATE ONE OF YOU

alighterwood: fine. Interrogate me instead.

magnusificant: tfw a hot guy takes an interrogation from his sister for you <3

halffairhalfgay: ^^^^????

nothinglessthanseveninches: MAGNUS BANE WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!?

alighterwood: …

alighterwood: is that a compliment?

alinepenhallow: he did call you hot so yes

alighterwood: …

halffairhalfgay: I’m screaming

alinepenhallow: alec.exe has stopped responding

nothinglessthanseveninches: ANSWER MY QUESTIONS

alighterwood has left the chat


nothinglessthanseveninches: SOMEBODY FUCKING ANSWER M E

halffairhalfgay: LANGUAGE

magnusificant: oops didn’t mean to make him leave, only flustered

magnusificant added alighterwood to the chat


nevertrustaduck: okay what the hell is going on?

nothinglessthanseveninches: I want answers now.

alighterwood: magnus why I want to escape this

nothinglessthanseveninches: I WANT ANSWERS NOW

magnusificant: …alexander? What you mentioned before?

alighterwood: oh. Yeah.

alighterwood: yeah we were kind of... on a date yesterday?

magnusificant: just the two of us

nothinglessthanseveninches: ALEXANDER GIDEON LIGHTWOOD

nothinglessthanseveninches: YOUDID N’T TH INK TO TEL L ME THIS?!?!

alinepenhallow: I’m hurt you didn’t tell me alec.

halffairhalfgay: aline you owe me $10.

alinepenhallow: shut up no

alighterwood: ??

halffairhalfgay: we made bets. I won.

alinepenhallow: I had faith you would tell me these things alec *crying emoji*

redheadartist: omg guys that’s adorable I’m happy for you

nevertrustaduck: ha now the only single one in our group is raph

thehotblonde: and for us now it’s still simon, me and lydia

lewissimonlewis: that’s adorable guys

lewissimonlewis: but one question -

lewissimonlewis: you two said literally yesterday that you were single

thehotblonde: explain?

shapechangertess: oh yeah magnus explanation now ^

alighterwood: I forgot that happened

alighterwood: it was… impromptu?

nothinglessthanseveninches: I’m crying pls explain

redheadartist sent a photo message

redheadartist: she’s actually in tears please

alighterwood: I mean I’ve liked him for a while now but yesterday we bumped into eachother at the library and after talking a bit I asked him if he wanted to go get some food? Just the two of us?

magnusificant: and I confirmed that it was indeed a date

womenkickass: that’s kind of cliché tbh

halffairhalfgay: BUT ADORABLE OMG ALEC

alinepenhallow: I feel so proud

alinepenhallow: well done baby gay

alighterwood: I’m older than you and taller than you? how does that equal baby gay?

alighterwood: thanks helen

alinepenhallow: B A B Y G A Y

shapechangertess: finally magnus

magnusificant: what’s that supposed to mean tessa?

shapechangertess: you’ve been complaining about being single and bored amongst me, will and jem. Now you can’t complain.

yinfen: can I bring up the staring?

nevertrustaduck: yes do it james

magnusificant: OKAY JEM STOP NOW

thehotblonde: oh no now I’m intrigued

thehotblonde: do tell

yinfen: well I would but I probably would get killed

yinfen: sorry to disappoint

private conversation between lewissimonlewis and redheadartist


lewissimonlewis: clary h elp

lewissimonlewis: I know everyone is still screaming about malec but ple ase

redheadartist: what happened?!

lewissimonlewis: my sister just seriously texted me asking what shipping is

redheadartist: Rebecca? Asked you what shipping is?

lewissimonlewis: ya

lewissimonlewis: how do I explain this to her

redheadartist: oh hell no this is a discussion for the group.

redheadartist: switch chats

group chat ‘quest to find alec and magnus’


redheadartist: guys we have an issue

alinepenhallow: what’s happened now?

lewissimonlewis: my sister asked me to explain what shipping is

nothinglessthanseveninches: ?!?! she doesn’t know what it is?

redheadartist: apparently not

nevertrustaduck: tell her to go on tumblr

yinfen: WILL NO

nevertrustaduck: WILL Y E S

shapechangertess: ignore will

shapechangertess: how old is your sister though? 40? 3? 6 weeks?

lewissimonlewis: she’s 21

magnusificant: tell her to search on urban dictionary

redheadartist: that could go good or bad

magnusificant: still a better choice than tumblr

lewissimonlewis: true, true.

lewissimonlewis: okay I told her that. Now we wait.

halffairhalfgay: I have a question to ask (no dodie for now pls)

magnusificant: go ahead

halffairhalfgay: what is everyone’s otp?

nothinglessthanseveninches: YOU EXPECT ME TO CHHOOSE O N E?!?!

redheadartist: I can’t choose freaking one!

halffairhalfgay: fair enough. How about otp out of the ships in this chat?

alinepenhallow: can we say a ship that includes ourselves?

halffairhalfgay: nope

alinepenhallow: but I wanted to say us!

halffairhalfgay: ily but choose someone else my love

nothinglessthanseveninches: wait is everyone here in the chat to cast their votes?

redheadartist: who is here? Then we can see who isn’t

magnusificant: we have clary, aline, simon, helen, will, jem, tessa, isabelle and myself, juding from who spoke recently.

alinepenhallow: that’s pretty impressive.

redheadartist: it is ^ but we’re missing alec, jace, lydia and raphael

santiagoaway: I’m here lurking

nothinglessthanseveninches: ALEC LYDIA JACE

nothinglessthanseveninches: ALEC LLYDIA JACE

nothinglessthanseveninches: AL EC JACE LYDIA

redheadartist: on no

nothinglessthanseveninches: ALEC JSCE LYDIA

nothinglessthanseveninches: ALEC JACE LY DIA

womenkickass: What?!

nothinglessthanseveninches: ALEC LYDIAJACE

nothinglessthanseveninches: JACE ALE

nothinglessthanseveninches: AKEC JACE

alighterwood: yes I’m here what

thehotblonde: FUCKINGWHAT?

halffairhalfgay: language!

redheadartist: read above and catch up quick

shapechangertess: okay continue now they’re here

alighterwood: what are the ships we can choose from again?

lewissimonlewis: herongraystairs, malec, heline and clizzy I think?

redheadartist: plus saphael?

halffairhalfgay: i can practically feel simon’s glare. might be safer not to.

redheadartist: true

redheadartist: okay cast your votes!

magnusificant: I vote herongraystairs

redheadartist: heline

shapechangertess: helen and aline!

nothinglessthanseveninches: malec ofc

alighterwood: heline

nevertrustaduck: malec

womenkickass: I’d have to say Clary and Izzy.

alinepenhallow: malec

lewissimonlewis: ahh idk either malec or clizzy

thehotblonde: I don’t want to offend either sibling so herongraystairs

halffairhalfgay: herongraystairs

yinfen: clary and isabelle

magnusificant: raphael?

santiagoaway: the trio

nevertrustaduck: I’m touched raph

santiagoaway: don’t call me that.

yinfen: I’ll tally it all up.

yinfen: in fourth, on two and a half points, is clary and isabelle, aka clizzy.

redheadartist: goddamn you simon for your half vote

yinfen: in third place, on three points, is helen and aline, aka heline.

alinepenhallow: can I be salty

halffairhalfgay: well we’re the better lesbians at least

alinepenhallow: I’m still slightly salty

yinfen: in second, with three and a half points is…

magnusificant: DON’T DO SUSPENSE JEM

yinfen: magnus and alec, aka malec.

alighterwood: damn.

magnusificant: we’ll do better next time

alighterwood: yeah.

nevertrustaduck: HA! WE BEAT YOU

yinfen: and in first,

nevertrustaduck: for obvious reasons

shapechangertess: let jem finish will

yinfen: tessa and will and me, aka herongraystairs, on four points.

shapechangertess: hell yes

magnusificant: HALF A POINT?

magnusificant: I BLAME YOU SHELBY

alighterwood: Oh well. I still beat both siblings.

nothinglessthanseveninches: F-SCREW YOU


alighterwood: still beat you



Chapter Text


group chat ‘quest to find alec and magnus’

redheadartist: GUYS

redheadartist: wait

alinepenhallow: yeah what??

redheadartist changed the chat name to ‘(mostly) queers in the shadows’



redheadartist: I NEED ANIMALS PLS

halffairhalfgay: butterfly

nevertrustaduck: horses are great animals

thehotblonde: you’re biased. you grew up in the welsh countryside with horses.

magnusificant: cats. and more cats.

nevertrustaduck: I quite like the welsh dragon also

shapechangertess: WILL.

yinfen: really will?

lewissimonlewis: I’m sensing a story…?

shapechangertess: no one else is hearing that story.

magnusificant: even I don’t know, sheldon.

lewissimonlewis: mm fine

redheadartist: A N I M A L S

nothinglessthanseveninches: a snake. venomous one.

lewissimonlewis: DRAW AN IGUANA, FRAY.

santiagoaway: what is going on?

alighterwood: ducks are always great.

nothinglessthanseveninches: alec why

yinfen: you know you messed up big time. you have a Herondale in your house.

thehotblonde: ALEC. YOU KNOW I HATE DUCKS.

womenkickass: why?

thehotblonde: don’t know why. i just always have.

yinfen: times that reaction by ten thousand.

nevertrustaduck: WHY WOULD YOUU LIKE DUCKKS?!?!?


magnusificant: I didn’t know you knew my biological father


redheadartist: thanks anyway guys



santiagoaway: you guys are asking for death, you know this?


magnusificant: that is a snazzy duck

shapechangertess: ikr

nevertrustaduck has left the chat


thehotblonde: why are you like this

alighterwood: oops

alinepenhallow: you started this alec

alighterwood: you helped continue it

alinepenhallow: so did tessa and lydia!

nothinglessthanseveninches: Lydia!?

womenkickass: yeah?

womenkickass: I’m not only a boring study freak, isabelle.

nothinglessthanseveninches: I know that! I wouldn’t pick you as the type to poke fun at someone though.

thehotblonde: said the girl who picked simon as a straight nerdy guy who would have a crush on her.

lewissimonlewis: what

nothinglessthanseveninches: that’s not true

thehotblonde sent a video message

nothinglessthanseveninches: SHUT THE FUCK UP JONATHAN

alighterwood: jace… why?

lewissimonlewis: what

redheadartist: ISABELLE WTF?

redheadartist: HOW FUCKING DARE YOU?

thehotblonde: wow she used izzy’s full name. she must be pissed

alighterwood: just don’t jace.

halffairhalfgay: …

nothinglessthanseveninches: I guess that isn’t something I can get away with by being pretty?

redheadartist: ‘I guess’ GOOD FUCKING GUESS

group chat ‘herongraystairs’


nevertrustaduck: my loves please add me back to the chat I miss it

yinfen: you’re the one that left it William.

nevertrustaduck: shut up james.

shapechangertess: I don’t think you want to be added right now Will.

nevertrustaduck: why ever not??

shapechangertess: clary and isabelle seem to be fighting? it’s not pretty.

yinfen: yeah. I’ve muted the chat.

nevertrustaduck: ouch. add me when that’s over?

yinfen: sure

shapechangertess: do you two want to come over? nate just left for the next week.

nevertrustaduck: I’m coming now.

yinfen: bad choice of words William.

yinfen: I am also on my way

group chat ‘(mostly) queers in the shadows’


lewissimonlewis: clary, really, it’s fine.


santiagoaway: shit

nothinglessthanseveninches: i’m fucking sorry! that was over a year ago!

magnusificant: ISABELLE. CLARISSA. STOP.

magnusificant has kicked redheadartist and nothinglessthanseveninches from the chat

magnusificant: …jesus Christ.

lewissimonlewis left the chat


private chat between alighterwood and redheadartist


alighterwood: clary

alighterwood: please actually call isabelle, don’t just yell at her over text

alighterwood: I’m saying this as isabelle’s brother, trying to take care of my currently confused and upset sister

alighterwood: but also as your friend, because I have come to know you and I want you to be okay as well.

redheadartist: …

redheadartist: yeah okay, I will.

redheadartist: thanks alec.

alighterwood: no problem

private chat between santiagoaway and lewissimonlewis


santiagoaway: simon

lewissimonlewis: …Yeah?

santiagoaway: are you okay?

lewissimonlewis: Oh

lewissimonlewis: I’m fine.

santiagoaway: no you aren’t. you’re using proper grammar and capitalisation.

lewissimonlewis: …

lewissimonlewis: is it justified that I feel guilty? clary and isabelle are fighting now because of something isabelle said about me and I don’t want them to ruin their relationship just because clary is an amazing and defensive best friend to me because isabelle is also my friend and even though I’m a bit hurt that she once said that about me, I’m not upset enough to make it a fight and now that they are fighting they might break up and it’ll be all my fault and yeah

santiagoaway: dios

santiagoaway: you talk a lot, even through texts.

santiagoaway: I can’t even read that

santiagoaway: I’ll just call you.

lewissimonlewis: ??

santiagoaway: oh dios mío

santiagoaway: stop being confused and just answer my calls.

group chat ‘(mostly) queers in the shadows’


magnusificant: okay it’s quieter now.

womenkickass: thank god

magnusificant: has that happened before?

thehotblonde: no. I’ve never seen them argue.

thehotblonde: I feel guilty as hell for that now

alighterwood: don’t feel too bad jace. yes, you fucked up, but they also were the ones that argued

alighterwood: shit, what about simon?

magnusificant: he should be okay. someone is talking to him

alighterwood: who?

alighterwood: oh

magnusificant added nevertrustaduck, redheadartist, lewissimonlewis and nothinglessthanseveninches to the chat


magnusificant: well let’s hope no more arguments about ducks or previous comments begin

halffairhalfgay: this is a place for being stupid teenagers

alinepenhallow: we’re not reality tv show stars, don’t need that shit

alighterwood: since when did you guys get so philosophical?

halffairhalfgay: shut up

redheadartist: sorry guys… for that.

nothinglessthanseveninches: sorry as well


group chat ‘(mostly) queers in the shadows’


thehotblonde: alec what time is it?

alighterwood: there is literally a clock on your phone

thehotblonde: I meant day

alighterwood: that is also on your phone

thehotblonde: ohh yeah

alinepenhallow: and we’re back.

halffairhalfgay: why did I suddenly get the song ‘the boys are back’ stuck in my head?

magnusificant: the one from high school musical?

halffairhalfgay: ah that’s what it’s from. my siblings were watching it the other day.

nothinglessthanseveninches: that song is my jam

redheadartist: imagine this – the gays are back

alighterwood: i’m here, i’m queer, and that sounds terrible and amazing.

magnusificant: i’m fully on board with this.

thehotblonde: i can do piano for this?

halffairhalfgay: WE’RE TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY??

nothinglessthanseveninches: hell yeah we are

redheadartist: i want credit for the original idea pls :(

magnusificant: of course, biscuit.

nothinglessthanseveninches: duh <3

thehotblonde: so beautiful. love the gays.

magnusificant: straight boy if you are fetishizing queer people my bisexual trans man ass will hunt you down so fucking quickly

thehotblonde: didn't mean it that way. sorry.

halffairhalfgay: l a n g u a g e (but also hell yes go magnus)



Chapter Text


group chat ‘(mostly) queers in the shadows’


magnusificant: clary

magnusificant: biscuit

redheadartist: yeah?

magnusificant: can i murder your brother?

redheadartist: what did he do this time

magnusificant: yelled some very homophobic things at me and alexander.

alighterwood: homophobic and transphobic comments and slurs

nothinglessthanseveninches: i will cut off his hand with a whip

nothinglessthanseveninches: i don’t even care if he is your brother clary

redheadartist: his blood relationship to me doesn’t mean i have to love him

lewissimonlewis: is Sebastian a replica of your dad?

redheadartist: luke is my dad. the other monster is only my biological father.

redheadartist: but yes. Sebastian will probably follow in his footsteps, he’s already the same mentally. the only difference is that Sebastian is twice as clever and six times as evil. my father thinks he is helping people, Sebastian known that he hurts.

shapechangertess: wait is this becoming a plot on how brutally we destroy Sebastian Morgenstern?

santiagoaway: seems like it

nevertrustaduck: i didn’t know he’s your brother clary

redheadartist: if only he wasn’t

nevertrustaduck: i’m happy to help kill an asshole

alighterwood changed the chat name to ‘murder plots for a demon’


magnusificant: plans. now. go.

santiagoaway: stab through the heart in hell

nevertrustaduck: burn him down with heavenly fire

thehotblonde: going with what isabelle said before about cutting his hand off, do that, then stab him through the back in the right spot to break his spine and pierce his heart.

alinepenhallow: graphic. and brutal.

nothinglessthanseveninches: get a really tall cactus and impale him on it via the asshole.

shapechangertess: i agree with the heavenly fire

womenkickass: just beat him up.

redheadartist: wait you’re supposed to be the responsible one

womenkickass: but Sebastian is so much of an asshole

yinfen: Mr Fell says i quote “send a horde of killer demons at him. they’ll either kill him or he’ll realise who his true family is.”


santiagoaway: mr fell is the best teacher

halffairhalfgay: how did you get mr fell’s response to that?

yinfen: i’m in advanced English right now, i accidentally laughed at isabelle’s message, Mr. Fell heard me and questioned why, i explained, and his response was that.

nevertrustaduck: fucking beautiful

halffairhalfgay: language

alinepenhallow: i think that’s a bit of a lost cause babe

alighterwood: ‘a bit’

lewissimonlewis: okay guys i have an idea for killing Sebastian

redheadartist: do share

lewissimonlewis: so we all know he is a demon

lewissimonlewis: what’s the opposite of demonic?

santiagoaway: are you suggesting holy water?

lewissimonlewis: yes

lewissimonlewis: if that doesn’t work we can just drown him in the water

magnusificant: i love it

alinepenhallow: you guys realise we are h i g h s c h o o l s t u d e n t s

alinepenhallow: contemplating murder?

yinfen: it’s not murder if he’s not human. just… exterminating.

shapechangertess: JEM

nevertrustaduck: i’m so proud

redheadartist: if you guys have anything i can use to murder then let me know. my father keeps contacting my mother, demanding that i visit him, so if i have to, Sebastian will be there and i can kill him (and my father)

lewissimonlewis: stop calling him your father

alighterwood: what’s his name?

redheadartist: valentine

alinepenhallow: ew

redheadartist: valentine’s day is forever ruined for me

alighterwood: i came up with a quick valentine for him

magnusificant: it’s march

alighterwood: shhhh

alighterwood: “hey valentine. happy valentine’s day! i hope you get a big kiss on this day.”

redheadartist: alec what are you trying to say

nothinglessthanseveninches: i highly doubt he is finished.

alighterwood: “from a train”

halffairhalfgay: wow

alighterwood: “a fast train”


alighterwood: neither did he

nevertrustaduck: savage

santiagoaway: okay that was good

lewissimonlewis: raphael? raphael santiago?

santiagoaway: what?

lewissimonlewis: are you okay?

santiagoaway: yes. why?

lewissimonlewis: you just complimented someone

santiagoaway: dios, shut up.

lewissimonlewis: nope. you signed up for this

halffairhalfgay: cute

santiagoaway: shut up, no.

group chat ‘murder plots for a demon’


nothinglessthanseveninches: GUYS HELP

nothinglessthanseveninches: i would like to know everyone’s gender and sexuality

nothinglessthanseveninches: i’m trying to prove to someone that queer people flock together without really meaning to

nothinglessthanseveninches: for example, i am a pansexual female

redheadartist: you know i’m bi. and a girl.

magnusificant: freewheeling bisexual trans man

shapechangertess: mostly straight female

yinfen: demisexual male

alighterwood: gay male

santiagoaway: asexual demimale

nevertrustaduck: who knows, male

lewissimonlewis: pan male

womenkickass: asexual aromantic female

thehotblonde: straight (?) male

alinepenhallow: gay female

halffairhalfgay: bisexual female

nothinglessthanseveninches: so we have 2 non cis people? cool.

redheadartist: do we actually have no one who is 100% straight?

redheadartist: also heyy bi buddies

nothinglessthanseveninches: simon is my pan pal

alinepenhallow: alec and i are the gays

yinfen: raphael, lydia and i are all on the ace spectrum.

alighterwood: jace? explain?

thehotblonde: some guys are hot. i wouldn’t date a guy but i find some hot and would hook up with them

redheadartist: i’m impressed. no more heteronormative Straight™ Jace

thehotblonde: all of my friends are queer, my siblings are both in gay relationships (excluding max, but he’s never at home)

shapechangertess: ???

nothinglessthanseveninches: don’t get me started on max.

alighterwood: he’s our youngest brother, sent to boarding school so our parents don’t have to deal with him. although last i heard he was kicked out so might be home soon…

shapechangertess: ah. yikes.


group chat ‘murder plots for a demon’


lewissimonlewis: IMPORTANT QUESTION

lewissimonlewis: who’s free now to go to McDonalds?

redheadartist: oooh yeah i really want some fries

magnusificant: i’m coming and i’m dragging Raphael

alighterwood: just meet at the front gates

lewissimonlewis: sweet

shapechangertess: we’ll come as well, just might be a minute late

alinepenhallow: these thirteen queerbies shall meet up and make America gay again

halffairhalfgay: for ‘merica

yinfen: not my chinese/british ass

nevertrustaduck: it is a nice ass

yinfen: WILLIAM



Chapter Text


thehotblonde added lewissimonlewis and nevertrustaduck to the chat


thehotblonde: i have a plan and i need help

lewissimonlewis: oh no


thehotblonde changed the chat name to ‘being little shits’


lewissimonlewis: do i have to do the ‘be responsible’ talk?

thehotblonde: was that the talk?

lewissimonlewis: basically.

nevertrustaduck: does this plan involve being mischievous and potentially pissing off raphael?

thehotblonde: yes

nevertrustaduck: i’m in

lewissimonlewis: yeah me too

group chat ‘murder plots for a demon’


nevertrustaduck: let us begin


thehotblonde changed their name to ‘cocky’

nevertrustaduck changed their name to ‘mischievous’

lewissimonlewis changed their name to ‘charming’

cocky changed redheadartist‘s name to ‘tiny’

charming changed magnusificant‘s name to ‘shiny’

mischievous changed halffairhalfgay‘s name to ‘majestic’

charming changed santiagoaway‘s name to ‘cute when angry’

cocky changed womenkickass‘s name to ‘please don’t hurt me’

mischievous changed shapechangertess‘s name to ‘angel’

mischievous changed yinfen‘s name to ‘beauty’

charming changed alighterwood‘s name to ‘”””straight”””

cocky changed alinepenhallow‘s name to ‘striking’

charming changed nothinglessthanseveninches’s name to ‘sassy’


group chat ‘being little shits’


thehotblonde: and now we wait

lewissimonlewis: this may get us killed

nevertrustaduck: you guys don’t have a lover to personally kill you. I HAVE TWO.

thehotblonde: they’re both nice and they love you a lot

lewissimonlewis: did you see alec’s name? i will die

thehotblonde: not if clary kills me first

nevertrustaduck: SIMON.

nevertrustaduck: RAPHAEL’S NAME

lewissimonlewis: oops

lewissimonlewis: SHITWHAT HAVE I DONE

thehotblonde: be calm, young Jedi.


lewissimonlewis: ‘cute when angry’ THAT’S NOTA PLAT ONIC STRAIGHT™ THING TO SAY

nevertrustaduck: simon.exe has stopped responding


group chat ‘murder plots for a demon’


”””straight”””: what the hell happened up before? the chat crashed when i tried to open it

”””straight”””: wait what the fuck

tiny: i’m going to guess that 1) you’re alec and 2) you weren’t the one who changed your name

tiny: …bitches

majestic: people may die if everyone else’s is like theirs ^^

majestic: also language

cute when angry: well we know who helen is

cute when angry: …. wtf is my name

striking: i’m laughing wow

striking: this is aline btw

shiny: alexander that is a great name, biscuit isn’t it true, heline as wonderful as ever, and am i wrong in assuming that the other person is raph?


angel: who else gets angry?

angel: aww that’s sweet who set my name (this is tessa)

”””straight”””: i’m actually offended

striking: at least they aren’t insulting names

”””straight”””: i am a gay male, being called straight


striking: okay maybe everyone else’s aren’t insulting

sassy: as amazing as these names are, can everyone at least hint a bit more about who they are

please don’t hurt me: oh by the angel what have i missed


please don’t hurt me: …yeah?

please don’t hurt me: why is that my name?

cute when angry: i never learnt how to change names someone help

shiny: as flattering as some of these names are, the perpetrators will be in trouble with a few other people in this chat.

angel: … i wonder who isn’t here

”””straight”””: damn it

”””straight”””: herondales

angel: exactly.

cute when angry: and also simon

tiny: that backstabbing bitch

charming: i heard my name? hi?

shiny: … tbh that could be any of the three of them

cute when angry: what the fuck have you done to my name

majestic: language

angel: William

mischievous: yea?

mischievous: i mean what i am jace i am blonde and have an ego bigger than will’s massive

sassy: do not even finish that sentence

angel: will what have you done

mischievous: i’d just like to say…

mischievous: it wasn’t my idea in the first place it was jace

cocky: how dare you

cocky: i trusted you

cocky: you son of a duck

tiny: wow

angel: also really will

angel: you literally said ‘let us begin’

sassy: okay i scrolled up and figured out who changes everyone’s names to what

sassy: simon you’re gay

charming: shut. up. izzy.

please don’t kill me: the chat history is lost to me due to the app crashing

tiny: send screenshot babe?

sassy sent a photo message

tiny: jace i swear to god i am coming to your house at two am and throwing you off the empire state building

cocky: you don’t know where i live

tiny: you are my girlfriend’s adopted brother

cocky: shit

majestic: honestly i’m about ready to give up (LANGUAGE)

cute when angry: okay who the hell changed my name i will murder

cute when angry: …oh

charming: yep no thanks i am not equipped to be in this life goodbye


charming left the chat


striking: i think the fuck not


striking added charming to the chat


charming: alineeeeeee

tiny: simon

tiny: lewis

tiny: don’t you dare

charming: fine

tiny: fml i hate this name help me change it

sassy: wait i’m on it

sassy disabled nicknames. all nicknames removed


redheadartist: thanks

thehotblonde: you always ruin the fun izzy

yinfen: probably wasn’t much fun for the readers who were probably confused

halffairhalfgay: rip fourth wall

alighterwood: ??? what the fuck are you on about

halffairhalfgay: nothing. language.



Chapter Text

group chat ‘murder plots for a demon’




thehotblonde: oh god not more

shapechangertess: ‘more’???


womenkickass: oh is this a repeat of what happened at lunch?


nevertrustaduck: what is going on?


halffairhalfgay: WAIT THE NEW TRAILER?

lewissimonlewis: YES

halffairhalfgay: YESSSSSS

alinepenhallow: oh hell yes i’m so excited for the last jedi

redheadartist: i am pumped for it

yinfen: star wars? hell yes

thehotblonde: how many nerds are in this chat?

redheadartist: fuck off blondie

alinepenhallow: jace are you that person that never watched the films so hates on them and the people that enjoy them?

thehotblonde: ive actually seen them.

nothinglessthanseveninches: i forced him to watch all six a few years ago and i dragged him to the cinemas to see the force awakens.

lewissimonlewis: well done.

shapechangertess: okay but like

shapechangertess: we should all meet up and binge all seven movies

redheadartist: everyone’s seen star wars, right?

thehotblonde: me and alec were forced to by izzy.

yinfen: i think everyone has from our group?

nevertrustaduck: has raphael??

yinfen: oh i don’t know about raph

lewissimonlewis: OH HE BETTER HAVE SEEN THEM

private chat between lewissimonlewis and santiagoaway


lewissimonlewis: RAPHAEL SANTIAGO


lewissimonlewis: R A P H

santiagoaway: …


santiagoaway: no

lewissimonlewis: HOW DARE YOU

group chat ‘murder plots for a demon’


lewissimonlewis: HE HASN’T SEEN THEM

santiagoaway: i’m sorry?

lewissimonlewis: oh you better be

nothinglessthanseveninches: i’d invite everyone over to our house to watch all the movies but our parents are home and are arguing a lot so…. not the best.

redheadartist: my house is tiny so wouldn’t work for all thirteen of us

shapechangertess: you guys could come over to my house? my brother is…. gone. so it’ll just be us. and the living room is quite big.


nevertrustaduck: don’t flirt with my girlfriend lewis.

lewissimonlewis: no hetero, tessa

shapechangertess: no hetero

group chat ‘murder plots for a demon’


lewissimonlewis: clary do you still have that pen i lent you yesterday?

lewissimonlewis: oops wrong chat. sorry.

thehotblonde: going into the wrong chat. going after the wrong people. typical simon lewis.

lewissimonlewis: the fuck? what are you trying to say jace?

thehotblonde: oh, nothing.

thehotblonde: just saying that when you get romantic feelings for someone, you act like a tiny yippy dog, nipping at their heels. i’m just waiting for this time to be the same.

lewissimonlewis: i don’t ‘nip’ as you so eloquently said. and that isn’t something i do. my apologies if me being friends with people disturbs your tiny straight guy brain.

thehotblonde: stop going after people who will never care about you the same way. then maybe i’ll stop feeling ‘disturbed’.

redheadartist: guys please don’t

thehotblonde: but i’ll be honest mundane, what you think is me being disturbed, is just me feeling ridiculously sorry for you

lewissimonlewis: fuck. off. blondie.

redheadartist: izzy?

nothinglessthanseveninches kicked thehotblonde from the chat


nothinglessthanseveninches: i gotchu babe

redheadartist: ❤

alinepenhallow: is our reaction to arguments happening to just kick people out of the chat?

nothinglessthanseveninches: it works, doesn’t it

alinepenhallow: true

redheadartist: yikes @ straight people

shapechangertess: ouch

redheadartist: yikes @ straight boys**

shapechangertess: thank you

halffairhalfgay left the chat


alinepenhallow: wait what the fuck

redheadartist: ???

alinepenhallow: what the fuck

alinepenhallow added halffairhalfgay


alinepenhallow: hel??? what??

halffairhalfgay: wait shit no my siblings are trying to take my phone and i don’t want them seeing this chat bc they’ll go to my parents and how to i explain this chat

alinepenhallow: oh okay. sorry babe.

redheadartist: which siblings?

halffairhalfgay: e l j

halffairhalfgay left the chat


alinepenhallow: emma jules and livvy

nothinglessthanseveninches: yeesh

nevertrustaduck: and that, young gays, is how lesbians communicate

nothinglessthanseveninches: you’re a decent herondale so i’ll let that slide

yinfen: guys


yinfen: this is important

redheadartist: that is amazing

nothinglessthanseveninches: tag yourself i’m the skittles

redheadartist: i’m darth vader’s nose

yinfen: i’m yoda’s right foot

alinepenhallow: i’m the storrmtrooper’s ear

shapechangertess: i’m boba fett’s left knee

nevertrustaduck: why the knee

shapechangertess: cause i don’t kneed a man

redheadartist: SAME

nevertrustaduck: well fuck you too tess

yinfen: …

shapechangertess: cause I need the TWO wonderful men I’m in a relationship with!

shapechangertess: I meant it as a compliment to you both!

shapechangertess: shit.

redheadartist: herongraystairs have left the vicinity

alighterwood: wait what did i miss?

nothinglessthanseveninches: star wars marathon – tessa’s house on Saturday

redheadartist: jace being a shit and arguing with/attacking simon

alinepenhallow: hel’s siblings probably stealing her phone and her leaving this chat for safety

redheadartist: star wars talk

alinepenhallow: and herongraystairs slight drama.

nothinglessthanseveninches: i hope they’re talking

santiagoaway: yikes @ people in relationships

magnusificant: mmmmmm raphhhhh

magnusificant: lllooooooooooooverr bbppoooooooooyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

santiagoaway: i will block you again

magnusificant: ahahahahhaa nno you wouldntt

magnusificant: youu lovee ,me

magnusificant: nottt as muchha s yoou lloovwe hiiiimm

redheadartist: alec…

redheadartist: is your boyfriend drunk?

alighterwood: no? i literally just left his house he was not drunk

magnusificant: I DO NOT GET D R U NK

santiagoaway: “”””””he doesn’t get drunk”””””””””” he says

nothinglessthanseveninches: alec go check on your boyfriend i’ll tell max you’ll be late and hide from mom and dad

alighterwood: thanks iz

redheadartist: update us what is going on

alighterwood: of course


Chapter Text

magnusificant: i am now sober

alighterwood: you weren’t drunk

santiagoaway: if you weren’t drunk then what the fuck happened?

redheadartist: ^^^

alighterwood: it’s your story to tell mags

magnusificant: …cough syrup


nothinglessthanseveninches: what?


shapechangertess: WILL DON’T ENCOURAGE HIM

womenkickass: that is never fun.

redheadartist: ^^ SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE??!!?!?? UMMMM?!?!??!

lewissimonlewis: did you have too much cough syrup and get high?

magnusificant: yepp

santiagoaway: …again

magnusificant: shut it

magnusificant: now anyways

magnusificant: my dearest friends

alighterwood: wait mags don’t

magnusificant: ???

alighterwood: i know what you’re going to say, and don’t

alighterwood: also why aren’t you sleeping?

magnusificant: because duty calls

magnusificant: izzy?

nothinglessthanseveninches: big brother you’re a spoil sport

nothinglessthanseveninches kicked santiagoaway and lewissimonlewis from the chat


alighterwood: izzyyyyyy

halffairhalfgay: this is a bad idea

nothinglessthanseveninches: not at all

alinepenhallow: wait hel when did you get added back to this chat

halffairhalfgay: in between chapters

alinepenhallow: what?

nevertrustaduck: fair enough

redheadartist: this is a bad idea

nothinglessthanseveninches: i’m hurt by your lack of faith in me

redheadartist: this is not the way to do it

redheadartist: i mean i want si happy but we can’t matchmake them

alighterwood: i agree with the tiny redhead

redheadartist: shut up gay boy

alighterwood: … are you trying to insult me? i am a gay boy. and you are a gay/bi girl

magnusificant: ANYWAYS

nothinglessthanseveninches: magnus our lovers are united against our plan

alinepenhallow: i’m with you guys. this should be fun.

halffairhalfgay: why babe

magnusificant: ** it is now aline, me and you, isabelle

shapechangertess: yikes

nevertrustaduck: i, however, am all for this matchmaking.

shapechangertess: you just want to see Raphael suffer

nevertrustaduck: pffffffttt never

magnusificant: basically, they’re angsting and need to get together

womenkickass: why don’t you… let them get together on their own?

alinepenhallow: because we want them together now…?

womenkickass: but it’s such a mundane idea

womenkickass: matchmaking.

nothinglessthanseveninches: okay everyone i’m sorry in advance

redheadartist: what

nothinglessthanseveninches added thehotblonde to the chat


redheadartist: whyyyy

magnusificant: ???

thehotblonde: loving the welcome party clary

nevertrustaduck: you were too busy getting high off cough syrup

nothinglessthanseveninches: you missed what happened

shapechangertess: i can’t believe you did it again magnus

magnusificant: shut it gray


thehotblonde: matchmaking?

nothinglessthanseveninches: saphael

thehotblonde: finally

redheadartist: okay jace you were a douche to simon and if you are again then i will kick your balls so hard and so far up your throat, you’ll develop a peanut allergy

redheadartist: got it?

thehotblonde: yep

nevertrustaduck: jesus clary you’re terrifying

nothinglessthanseveninches: one of the many reasons i love her

redheadartist: WWAIT HMYGOOD davjbe;/;W049

alighterwood: clary.exe has stopped responding

nothinglessthanseveninches: what

nothinglessthanseveninches: ohshithshitshithshitshitshithshitshit

magnusificant: isabelle.exe has stopped responding

redheadartist: i love you too

nevertrustaduck: if that’s not adorable i don’t know what is

halffairhalfgay: damn

alinepenhallow: they’re adorable

thehotblonde: isabelle just left the house

shapechangertess: wait omg wha

thehotblonde: she screamed something like ‘my girlfriend is amazing and i love her so i’m going to kiss her’

thehotblonde: she doesn’t have shoes on btw

magnusificant: sounds like her

thehotblonde sent a photo message

nevertrustaduck: look at dat gurl go

shapechangertess: watch her runnin watch her go

magnusificant: you guys are all memes jfc

alighterwood: i’d say it’s no coincidence you are in a relationship

nevertrustaduck: jem can also be a meme, do not doubt him

magnusificant: the three of them are awful

alighterwood added lewissimonlewis to the chat


magnusificant: alexander whyy

alighterwood: he kept messaging me to add him after clary stopped answering him

lewissimonlewis: i’m hurt magnus

lewissimonlewis: in fact, i’m hurt by everyone

alighterwood: i added you back

lewissimonlewis: you’re okay

halffairhalfgay: ouch

lewissimonlewis: wait why was i kicked in the first place

thehotblonde: read up

lewissimonlewis: wait wha

alinepenhallow: wait for itt….

lewissimonlewis: WHY

lewissimonlewis: THE

lewissimonlewis: FUCK

lewissimonlewis: ARE

lewissimonlewis: YOU

lewissimonlewis: A L L

lewissimonlewis: OBSESSED

lewissimonlewis: WITH

lewissimonlewis: MY

lewissimonlewis: (lack of a)

lewissimonlewis: LOVE

lewissimonlewis: LIFE

halffairhalfgay: and wait for itt

lewissimonlewis: FUCKKNG C L I Z Z Y

shapechangertess: here it is


thehotblonde: simon.exe has stopped responding

womenkickass: why is that the go-to thing to say when someone freaks out

thehotblonde: why not?


lewissimonlewis: FOR FUCKS SAKE


magnusificant has added santiagoaway to the chat


lewissimonlewis: fuck


Chapter Text


private conversation between redheadartist and lewissimonlewis


redheadartist: simon

redheadartist: simon lewis

redheadartist: nerd

redheadartist: dude

redheadartist: i have a feeling spamming you won’t make you answer me

redheadartist: answer the midget redhead

redheadartist: THAT WAS ALEC

redheadartist: but seriously answer me lewis

redheadartist: simonnnnn

redheadartist: ffs

group chat ‘murder plans for a demon’


thehotblonde: where the fuck is simon

redheadartist: I DON’T KNOW

nothinglessthanseveninches: since when do you care so much

thehotblonde: i don’t

thehotblonde: but we’re partners for music. i need him to make my music

nevertrustaduck: kINKY

thehotblonde: we need to compose a piece and he’s the guitarist

thehotblonde: I’M NOT GAY

nevertrustaduck: “the only man that i love is my dad”

thehotblonde: don’t even get into that

nevertrustaduck: herondales with messed up family UNITE

magnusificant: …i think i know where he is

shapechangertess: where?

magnusificant: i think me saying would lead to my dead body

redheadartist: oh

shapechangertess: ohhhhhhh

womenkickass: That’s gay.

womenkickass: Literally.

nothinglessthanseveninches: shut up raj

magnusificant: ew. him.

womenkickass: By the angel, no!

alighterwood: oh lyd i saw you kick raj earlier

alighterwood: first of all, well done. second of all, can i ask why?

womenkickass: He was breathing too loudly.

thehotblonde: are you fucking joking

womenkickass: No.

womenkickass: I’m ace.

nevertrustaduck: that was amazing


shapechangertess: will

shapechangertess: sweetheart

shapechangertess: who else isn’t here

nevertrustaduck: helen and aline

thehotblonde: they’re in music and are behind the curtain. i think they’re making out

nevertrustaduck: jem, but he’s….

shapechangertess: yeah. who else?

nevertrustaduck: that only leaves raphaOHOHOHOHH

magnusificant: i didn’t say anything

magnusificant: but if i die, someone feed my cat

magnusificant: james that’s up to you, church trusts you so you get the chairman

magnusificant: also tell my boyfriend he has nice abs

alighterwood: …you could tell me yourself

magnusificant: oh hi alexander

magnusificant: you’re welcome

magnusificant: oh shit geo teacher byeeeeee

redheadartist: where is jem?

nevertrustaduck: he’s

shapechangertess: sick

nevertrustaduck: yeah that works

shapechangertess: don’t ask

redheadartist: fair enough i guess

thehotblonde: heline are still behind the curtain and simon is STILL. NOT. HERE.

lewissimonlewis: yikes

lewissimonlewis: that can’t be fun

thehotblonde: dickwad

lewissimonlewis: suck it blondie

thehotblonde: isn’t that raphael’s job?

lewissimonlewis: …

santiagoaway: i’m asexual

thehotblonde: how long have you been here!?

santiagoaway: i’m always lurking

lewissimonlewis: mmmmmm

santiagoaway: shut up

thehotblonde: what

redheadartist: let me spell it out for you jace

redheadartist: Raphael is always lurking unless he’s making out with simon

santiagoaway: dios

lewissimonlewis: true clary


lewissimonlewis: make me

nothinglessthanseveninches: and there they go again

redheadartist: …how many times do we talk on here instead of face to face

nothinglessthanseveninches: so many times

redheadartist: what class do you have now?

nothinglessthanseveninches: biology, you have art, i’m not skipping it again

alighterwoodagain izzy?

nothinglessthanseveninches: oops

redheadartist: sorry alec. blame me.

alighterwood: i do

magnusificant: tfw your boyfriend practices what you will say on your wedding day

nothinglessthanseveninches: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

nevertrustaduck: i return to cuteness

nevertrustaduck: JEM TESSA WE NEED TO BE CUTER

shapechangertess: i’m actually calling charlotte now to get us out of school to see him

shapechangertess: come out

alighterwood: i’m gay

shapechangertess: what?

redheadartist: I’M BI

shapechangertess: oh. ‘come out’

nothinglessthanseveninches: I AM PAN

nevertrustaduck: I AM IN LOVE x2

shapechangertess: shut your handsome face and hurry up

nothinglessthanseveninches: if that isn’t the damn cutest thing i’ve ever seen

nothinglessthanseveninches: excluding my girlfriend’s adorable face

redheadartist: ahhhhhh

magnusificant: damn these cute couples out-cuting alexander and i

magnusificant: and damn this class for stopping me from seeing my boyfriend

magnusificant: …alexanderrrr

alighterwood: i am not skipping class for you again

magnusificant: spoilsport :(((((

thehotblonde: damn all of you for being in relationships when i am not

womenkickass: Straight Boy

thehotblonde: o shush you snake

womenkickass: Buy my silence for $1900 a month.

nothinglessthanseveninches: my new aesthetic: lydia branwell memeing

magnusificant: i always forget that you’re related to henry

womenkickass: We share a surname but may as well be over a century apart. We’re from different worlds. He’s from England and grew up one way, I’m from here and grew up with strict parents.

womenkickass: Also have you seen his hair? He’s more closely related to Clary than me judging from that.

redheadartist: well me you and him are all somehow relted Lydia. third cousins removed square times dog or something i don’t understand family trees

nothinglessthanseveninches: my girlfriend, everyone.



Chapter Text

group chat ‘murder plans for a demon’


santiagoaway: so

santiagoaway changed the chat name to ‘i am gay’


halffairhalfgay: okaaaayyyyy

magnusificant: so surprising

nothinglessthanseveninches: can’t say i’m surprised

nevertrustaduck: took you long enough

santiagoaway: FUCKING HELL

halffairhalfgay: language

santiagoaway changed the chat name to ‘THAT WAS SIMON’


santiagoaway: he took my fucking phone

halffairhalfgay: l a n g u a g e

alighterwood: helen you are going to get nowhere doing that

halffairhalfgay: well

halffairhalfgay: i tried

nothinglessthanseveninches: we know you did.

private chat between shapechangertess and nothinglessthanseveninches


shapechangertess: oh isabelle

nothinglessthanseveninches: yeah?

shapechangertess: would you be able to enable nicknames in the groupchat again?

nothinglessthanseveninches: …sure?

nothinglessthanseveninches: done. can i ask why?

shapechangertess: i had an idea. don’t worry about it. thank you!

nothinglessthanseveninches: you’re welcome?

group chat ‘THAT WAS SIMON’


lewissimonlewis: i got discovered :(((((

alinepenhallow: we noticed

alighterwood: simon

alighterwood: why were you able to get on raphael’s phone

lewissimonlewis: um

lewissimonlewis: ummmmmmm

santiagoaway: that is a question

halffairhalfgay: come on leave them alone

lewissimonlewis: thanks

halffairhalfgay: oh this is only being postponed until tomorrow at school

lewissimonlewis: shit

halffairhalfgay: language

alinepenhallow: hahahaha i can’t wait until tomorrow

group chat ‘THAT WAS SIMON’

nevertrustaduck added lottieofstress and gingerinventor


lottieofstress: He left his phone unlocked on the couch.

lottieofstress: So I took it upon myself to join this chat I have heard so much of

magnusificant: oh welcome charlotte

lottieofstress: Hi Magnus

gingerinventor: lottie dear

gingerinventor: can i ask why i’ve been added to a group chat?

lottieofstress: He’s in the next room but is messaging me... wow

lewissimonlewis: there’s more people this is W I L D

shapechangertess: oh yeah

shapechangertess: lottieofstress is charlotte and gingerinventor is henry

shapechangertess: they’re the legal guardians of will and jem, and they took me in as well

nevertrustaduck: charlotte i am hurt that you stole my phone

nevertrustaduck: but also you are one of the loveliest people

lottieofstress: Thanks..?

magnusificant: how many people are in the chat now?

nothinglessthanseveninches: um

nothinglessthanseveninches: 15

magnusificant: wow

redheadartist: hi fellow redhead kind-of-family-member (it’s clary here btw)

gingerinventor: ah hello clary!

redheadartist: hey henry

thehotblonde: i feel like all of our families are intertwined somehow

alinepenhallow: intertwined…. free…

nevertrustaduck: i've pinned each and eeeeeevery hope on youuu

redheadartist: i hope that you don't bleeeeeeed wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiith mee

shapechangertess: I’M AFRAID

shapechangertess: OF THE THINGS IN MY BRAIN

alinepenhallow: buuuuuuuuuuuuuut we

redheadartist: can stay here

nevertrustaduck: AND LAUGH AWAY THE FEAR

alinepenhallow: hhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

lewissimonlewis: hhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

magnusificant: nice

shapechangertess: are you guys also dodie trash?


halffairhalfgay: *****which is like 100000%

lewissimonlewis: same

lewissimonlewis: but i’m pan

thehotblonde: BACK TO MY STATEMENT

thehotblonde: are all of our family trees linked

nothinglessthanseveninches: wait lemme ask

thehotblonde: ???

nothinglessthanseveninches: LYDIA GODDAMN B R A N W E L L

womenkickass: What?

womenkickass: Hi Charlotte. Hi Henry.

thehotblonde: you’re a history nerd. how related are all of our families?

womenkickass: i don’t know everyone here that well

womenkickass: what are the families?

nothinglessthanseveninches: lightwood (me & alec)

nevertrustaduck: and Gabriel *shudders*

shapechangertess: and Gideon!

nothinglessthanseveninches: herondale (jace & will)

alighterwood: Branwell (lydia & henry and charlotte)

nothinglessthanseveninches: fairchild (clary)

lottieofstress: Oh wow... that’s my maiden name ^

magnusificant: carstairs (jem)

halffairhalfgay: + emma (my little brother’s best friend)

alighterwood: Penhallow (aline)

nothinglessthanseveninches: Blackthorn (helen)

lottieofstress: I knew some other Blackthorns in London!

alighterwood: Lewis (simon)

magnusificant: Santiago (raphael)

nothinglessthanseveninches: Bane (magnus, ofc)

nothinglessthanseveninches: Grey (tessa)

womenkickass: my very educated guess is that…

womenkickass: the fancy names are probably all tangled together

redheadartist: …Lydia the genius everyone

womenkickass: the not fancy names (Lewis, Santiago, Bane & Grey) are probably shoved into certain spots but not ‘one of them’

lewissimonlewis: i’m offended on behalf of my name

magnusificant: same here Shelby

lewissimonlewis: ??????

alinepenhallow: MY GUESS

alinepenhallow: the ‘fancy named’’ people probably had their own secret society of demons and darkness and lies and corrupt government and honor and almost-nobility

halffairhalfgay: and the ‘’not-fancy named’’ people were kind of in the world of the society but not included bc bitches

magnusificant: i am o f f e n d e d

lewissimonlewis: you push me down i get the fUCK BACK UP AGAIN

santiagoaway: s to p

shapechangertess: we are the world of people who are being oppressed and pushed down

magnusificant: downworld


santiagoaway: okay that could be worse

shapechangertess: raph jOIN US

lewissimonlewis: join us downworlders

redheadartist: what shall we say us fancy named people are

lottieofstress: Probably racist.

redheadartist: WOW

nothinglessthanseveninches: wOAH

nevertrustaduck: yikes


alighterwood: probably highkey homophobic as well

lottieofstress: True

alinepenhallow: yikes indeed

magnusificant: YIKES

magnusificant: theyre most likely transphobic

magnusificant: farewell to my asian, bisexual trans man ass

alighterwood: i wouldn’t let that happen

redheadartist: awwwwwwwwwwwww


group chat ‘THAT WAS SIMON’


thehotblonde: wait my question never really got answered

redheadartist: ha fucker

thehotblonde: bitch

redheadartist: dickface

thehotblonde: carrot head emerald eyed midget

redheadartist: fake blonde contact wearing straight boy

thehotblonde: eXCUSE ME

thehotblonde: my hair is natural and so are my eyes

redheadartist: sure jan


Chapter Text

group chat ‘THAT WAS SIMON’


redheadartist: okay i’m taking a stand


redheadartist changed the chat name to ‘OPERATION WORRY ABOUT JEM’


redheadartist: enough said

lewissimonlewis: yeah i’m on board with this

nothinglessthanseveninches: everyone on board say ‘I’

redheadartist: I

lewissimonlewis: I

gingerinventor: i

halffairhalfgay: I

womenkickass: I

thehotblonde: I

alinepenhallow: I

nothinglessthanseveninches: I

alighterwood: I

lottieofstress: you guys shouldn’t have to be worried

lewissimonlewis: we’re still GOING to be worried

magnusificant: jem is alive

nevertrustaduck: …


shapechangertess: it means nothing!

shapechangertess: jem is just quite sick

magnusificant: that explains it well enough.

yinfen: tessa you can say why i’m never there

redheadartist: JEM

shapechangertess: JAMES

halffairhalfgay: jem!

lewissimonlewis: JEM

nevertrustaduck: MY LOVES

yinfen: sorry to disappear without warning everyone

alinepenhallow: how are you?

yinfen: well, sick is not an understatement

shapechangertess: jem you don’t have to…

yinfen: i know. they deserve to at least know so they don’t worry though

redheadartist: i worry anyways tbh

redheadartist: don’t feel forced to say if you don’t want to jem

redheadartist: it’s okay

yinfen: because of the events in which i was forced to leave my home in Shanghai at age 12, i developed an illness. it still affects me now five years later. it causes me to have ‘bad spells’, as charlotte calls them, moments of severe coughing fits and weakness. it’s slowly killing me, but so is the medicine i have to have to take it. it’s simply reducing the pain and extending my life slightly. it’s incurable.

nevertrustaduck: **as far as we know now

redheadartist: shit

alinepenhallow: jem i’m so sorry

alighterwood: oh shit

halffairhalfgay: oh jem that’s awful

lewissimonlewis: fuck.

shapechangertess: jem you don’t always have to share it

yinfen: i’m fine tessa.

nevertrustaduck: it’s always your choice to share, james.

yinfen: i know.

yinfen: okay enough about me

yinfen: and no more worrying about me! will and tess do that enough for everyone.

redheadartist: YOU CAN’T STOP US

lewissimonlewis: ^ you couldn’t have expected any other response

yinfen: true

redheadartist changed the chat name to ‘OPERATION WORRY ABOUT JEM’


redheadartist: what if you pronounced yikes like nike

redheadartist: like

redheadartist: yikeys

lewissimonlewis: clary are you okay

redheadartist: to put it simply…

redheadartist: no

magnusificant: yeaaah you could have expected that Smedley

lewissimonlewis: all these names and none of them are mine


alighterwood: she was trying to study physics and now she’s mentally dead

nevertrustaduck: ew physics

redheadartist: I KNOW I HATE IT

gingerinventor: SCIENCE IS FUN WHAT

gingerinventor: BECAUSE LIKE

gingerinventor: S C I E N C E

nevertrustaduck: but henry you’re a nerd

gingerinventor: :(

shapechangertess: IN A GOOD WAY

shapechangertess: WE LOVE YOU

gingerinventor: :)

shapechangertess: clary are you okay?

redheadartist: ahhahahahhaahah no

santiagoaway: same


Chapter Text

lewissimonlewis added alighterwood, alinepenhallow, halffairhalfgay, magnusificant, nevertrustaduck, nothinglessthanseveninches, redheadartist, shapechangertess and yinfen to the chat


lewissimonlewis changed the chat name to ‘HELP A GAY OUT’


lewissimonlewis: ^^^^^^!!!!!!!

alinepenhallow: what?

nothinglessthanseveninches: why have you created a second chat? with not-quite-everyone?

lewissimonlewis: the people in this chat are all the people currently in happy relationships

lewissimonlewis: which leads me back to my original point

lewissimonlewis: hOW DOES ONE RELATIONSHIP

halffairhalfgay: oh you poor soul

halffairhalfgay: pining?

lewissimonlewis: vERY

nevertrustaduck: i have no idea how to relationship


nevertrustaduck: doesn’t mean i know how i did it

shapechangertess: who is this lucky person you are planning to woo?

magnusificant: our resident moody vampire

nothinglessthanseveninches: CALLED IT


redheadartist: simon

redheadartist: he went over to your house


nevertrustaduck: W HAT

alinepenhallow: !!!!!!!!!!!!

nothinglessthanseveninches: SEND PROOF

redheadartist sent a photo to the group


halffairhalfgay: that’s!! freaking!! cute!!

lewissimonlewis: and yeah he fell asleep on my shoulder but that was accidentally and it was probably a 100000% platonic thing and anyways when he woke up he was all red and blushing and it was probably because of me and how he doesn’t want to be close to me so

alighterwood: jfc breathe simon

alinepenhallow: i’d like to say, as a fellow gay, THAT IS NOT A VERY HETERO THING TO DO

halffairhalfgay: boys can be affectionate

alinepenhallow: tHE BLUSHING, BABE

halffairhalfgay: tru

magnusificant: that…. that was the biggest bunch of bullshit i’ve ever seen

nevertrustaduck: you’re both in love with eachother just accept it

yinfen: i’m with everyone else. don’t doubt your feelings, just go with the emotions

lewissimonlewis: my only emotion is ANXIETY

halffairhalfgay: oooooo if that ain’t me

redheadartist: ^^^^

magnusificant: simon, ask him the fuck out before he resigns himself to never having anyone like him ever

lewissimonlewis: i….

lewissimonlewis: i think that’s the first time you’ve called me by my name



thehotblonde: question

thehotblonde: how does one treat a dislocated finger

nothinglessthanseveninches: THEE FUCK DID YOU DO JACE


thehotblonde: some sister you are

redheadartist changed the chat name to ‘jace is an idiot’


thehotblonde: i’m not appreciating this harassment

thehotblonde: but seriously help i’m in pain

nevertrustaduck: THEN WHY ARE YOU TYPING


alighterwood: nobody worry i’m helping him

alinepenhallow: ‘’helping’’

nevertrustaduck: ????

alinepenhallow: alec, helen and i are at the lightwood’s to study and hel and i can hear the screams of pain from upstairs

halffairhalfgay: “jace, hold still.” “YOU’RE GOING TO F***ING SNAP MY FINGER OFF!” “You’ve dealt with worse than this!” “THIS IS AT THE HAND OF MY OWN BROTHER. I FEEL HURT, BETRAYE- *scream of agony, accompanied with a thud and another scream of pain*”

halffairhalfgay: update: jace is sulking on the kitchen counter with an icepack on his hand, alec is grumbling holding a second icepack to his cheek

nothinglessthanseveninches: THE FUCK?

nevertrustaduck: what the fuck happened there?!

alinepenhallow sent a video message

alinepenhallow: i could not have been filming at a better time




halffairhalfgay: huh. so that’s his full name.


alinepenhallow: “tell magnus to FUCK OFF! I’M IN TOO MUCH PAIN TO GIVE A SHIT!” - jace

alighterwood: i’m fine, mags. i had to put jace’s fingers back into place


alighterwood: we fought enough growing up, i’m used to being beaten up by him

alighterwood: but i can also kick his ass if need be


private chat between lewissimonlewis and santiagoaway


lewissimonlewis: raph?

santiagoaway: what? also it’s raphael

lewissimonlewis: sorry, raphael

santiagoaway: okay what’s wrong

lewissimonlewis: what?

santiagoaway: you gave in to the name thing much quicker. something’s wrong

lewissimonlewis: what? no, nothing’s wrong. and even if hypothetically, something was wrong, i wouldn’t want to load it all onto you and burden you with everything when you probably have much more important things to do

lewissimonlewis: i couldn’t do that to you

santiagoaway: … magnus better not be wrong

lewissimonlewis: wait, magnus? what’s he got to do with anything??

santiagoaway: simon do you like me?

lewissimonlewis: of course i like you!

santiagoaway: i meant romantically.

lewissimonlewis: oh

lewissimonlewis: um

lewissimonlewis: i

santiagoaway: if you don’t then just say so

lewissimonlewis: i, uh, kind of?

santiagoaway: kind of?

lewissimonlewis: kind of a lot, yeah

santiagoaway: oh

santiagoaway: same here

lewissimonlewis: wait, really?!

santiagoaway: yes

lewissimonlewis: um, what does this make us?

santiagoaway: whatever you want to be

santiagoaway: but simon, you should know that i’m asexual, so don’t want to do anything sex-like. if that’s what you want then maybe it’s best if you find someone better than me but…

lewissimonlewis: raph (yes i will call you that ha) i like you, not sex

santiagoaway: okay.

lewissimonlewis: uh, we could talk properly about what we are tomorrow? over coffee? in person?

santiagoaway: i’d like that

lewissimonlewis: also, would i be able say something to the group chat?

santiagoaway: …what are you planning?

group chat ‘jace is an idiot’


lewissimonlewis changed the chat name to ‘saphael is canon, bitches’


Chapter Text

group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’


alinepenhallow: WHAT



thehotblonde: THEFUCK

nothinglessthanseveninches: SIMON LEWIS

magnusificant: took you long enough


lewissimonlewis: actually,,,, no titles yet. it happened literally minutes ago

yinfen: !!!!!!!!!

redheadartist: DETAILS. NOW.

lewissimonlewis: ……yeahhhhh

santiagoaway: no.

lewissimonlewis: bye gotta go be gay

redheadartist: HOW DAARE YOU


group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’


alinepenhallow: i am… an awful friend

alinepenhallow added huntersmoon to the chat

huntersmoon: you are an awful friend.

alinepenhallow: bitch

alinepenhallow: :(((

huntersmoon: kidding. i wouldn’t put up with you if you were awful.

magnusificant: ,,,what is this proper grammar

nevertrustaduck: not in my good christian suburbs!

huntersmoon: love the memes.

huntersmoon: i’m maia, she/her.

nevertrustaduck: R O L E C A L L

nevertrustaduck: will, he/him/handsome

huntersmoon: …you’re a Herondale?

nevertrustaduck: yep

huntersmoon: of course

redheadartist: clary, she/her

shapechangertess: tessa, she/her, girlfriend of will and jem

yinfen: jem, he/him/his

nothinglessthanseveninches: isabelle here, she/her, girlfriend of clary

thehotblonde: jealous much, izzy?

nevertrustaduck: and jace appears. how’s your finger?

thehotblonde: sore.

huntersmoon: ...herondale.

thehotblonde: that’s me

huntersmoon: shit.

thehotblonde: great to see you too

alinepenhallow: …okayyy

alinepenhallow: you know me and hel, both she/her

redheadartist: gotta love the lesbians

nothinglessthanseveninches: WOO!

alighterwood: alec, he/him/gay

magnusificant: magnus bane, he/him

lewissimonlewis: YO MAIA!

huntersmoon: hey.

santiagoaway: i’m Raphael, he/they but mainly he/him

alinepenhallow: lydia (womenkickass) is never online, but you know her

redheadartist: and charlotte and henry aren’t here a lot but they are the amazing modern-but-cliché married (straight) couple, and the parents of us thirteen – now fourteen – high school students.

huntersmoon: so basically it’s your queer friend group combined with the other pretty queer group... plus two parental figures?

alighterwood: yeah basically

huntersmoon: sweet

lewissimonlewis: i feel like i want to comment on the interaction between maia and jace but i think i may get my throat ripped out by a wolf so i won’t

huntersmoon: smart move.

redheadartist: omg

redheadartist: izzy babe is it just me or are you getting rosa diaz vibes?

nothinglessthanseveninches: OH DAMN YES


huntersmoon: YES


alighterwood: that’s a damn good show

alighterwood: also i’m up to season three now

huntersmoon: i’m not objecting to being rosa tbh.

halffairhalfgay: clary and izzy are scully and hitchcock pass it on

thehotblonde: the rest of us have no idea what you’re talking about

redheadartist: (i’ll create a separate group chat for us to talk so we don’t piss jace off)

huntersmoon: we can piss him off as much as we want. i don’t care.

thehotblonde: i care!

huntersmoon: oh well. if you think i care then you’re wrong.

thehotblonde: i know you really care

huntersmoon: wow you’re even dumber than you look.

nevertrustaduck: should this be a ship?

huntersmoon: oh HELL NO

thehotblonde: IT HAPPENED ONCE

nothinglessthanseveninches: UMMM

redheadartist: EXPLAIN NOW

nothinglessthanseveninches: WHAT MY GIRLFRIEND SAID ^^^

huntersmoon: oh my god. it meant nothing, and i told you to never speak of it.

huntersmoon: also i have a girlfriend now

redheadartist: THERE IS ANOTHER GAY

nothinglessthanseveninches: MORE LESBIANS

huntersmoon: technically i’m demiromantic but she is lesbian.




redheadartist: and two straight couples


womenkickass: one of whom is not interested.

womenkickass: hi maia

huntersmoon: hey lyds

womenkickass: goodbye

nothinglessthanseveninches: she is like an eclipse. she’s gone as soon as she arrives

alighterwood: gotta love lydia

alighterwood: platonically

nothinglessthanseveninches: she’s an acearo female and you’re a gay male with a boyfriend. no one was thinking it wasn’t platonic

nevertrustaduck: maia you should add your gf

huntersmoon: nah she doesn’t like group chats

huntersmoon: i added her into a group chat with a few of our teammates and she flipped her shit

huntersmoon: she’s close friends with them all

thehotblonde: ouch

redheadartist: teammates?

huntersmoon: we play soccer. your dad’s the coach, clary

redheadartist: ah right

nothinglessthanseveninches: ummmm?!??!?!

redheadartist: luke, not my biological father

alighterwood: ah that makes more sense

thehotblonde: …he intimidates me

huntersmoon: what is this?! jace herondale, cocky ‘’’’’brave’’’’ douchefuck, intimidated by the lovely luke garroway?

thehotblonde: have you ever been screamed at by him?

huntersmoon: okay i give you that. yes, and he is scary when angry.

redheadartist: what the hell did he yell at you guys about?

thehotblonde: hooking up with and distracting his star player

huntersmoon: for 'distracting myself' with a jerk

redheadartist: WOW

alighterwood: jfc well done

nevertrustaduck: kINKY

redheadartist: i understand why he yelled at you then.

nothinglessthanseveninches: remember when he gave me the dad talk when we said we were dating?

nothinglessthanseveninches: he gives off the vibe of an angry alpha dad wolf

alighterwood: that… makes complete sense, yeah

huntersmoon: true.


Chapter Text

group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’


redheadartist: yo yoyo yoyoyo

halffairhalfgay: i read that in john laurens’ voice

nothinglessthanseveninches: stop! listening! to! musical! soundtracks! on! repeat! you! nerd!

halffairhalfgay: never

alighterwood: you recited half of the first act of Hamilton off by heart in English today

alighterwood: you need to stop


halffairhalfgay: not even aline has been able to stop me

alinepenhallow: it’s true

thehotblonde: topic change

thehotblonde: aline your name is so boring

alinepenhallow: ummmm excuse me?

thehotblonde: yours and simon’s

redheadartist: …simon’s is a joke name tho

nothinglessthanseveninches: when he first met me he said “i’m lewis. simon… simon lewis. two first names, am i still talking?”


nothinglessthanseveninches: of course

thehotblonde: wait is this national pick on simon day? yes please i’ll join

alinepenhallow changed their name to ‘gaylinepenhallow’

gaylinepenhallow: better?

alighterwood: i love it

thehotblonde: yep


group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’


santiagoaway: i’m gay

gaylinepenhallow: same

alighterwood: same here

redheadartist: rt

lewissimonlewis: rt

halffairhalfgay: rt!!

magnusificant: rt

thehotblonde: ,,,can’t r elate

huntersmoon: *cliché bitch voice* “but like,,,, you said you were (insert sexuality other than gay), how can you now call yourself gay?!?1”

nothinglessthanseveninches: uUUUGHHHH i stg

magnusificant: also people who assume sexualities can’t change & those who think you can only be attracted to one gender

nothinglessthanseveninches: there’s a few reasons my dad thinks me and clary are ‘galpals’

nothinglessthanseveninches: the main one is because of the fact that i’ve had a boyfriend in the past and he thinks i’m straight



group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’


redheadartist: has anyone else here seen a very potter musical?




lottieofstress: at Hogwarts, Hogwarts!


nevertrustaduck: CHARLOT TE

lottieofstress: You’re acting like I’m super old? I’m only 23?

lottieofstress: Oh how stress ages a human.

gingerinventor: you still look just as beautiful to me, dear

redheadartist: fuck you guys are adorable

lewissimonlewis: i aspire to be that domestic and cute tbh

redheadartist: you have a boyfriend just be cute with him

lewissimonlewis: FINE THEN I WILL

santiagoaway: i’m here.

lewissimonlewis: LETS GO BE GAY

redheadartist: fine then bye

redheadartist: waait where did everyone else go

redheadartist: i now feel sad and alone



redheadartist: ????

nevertrustaduck: nvm

nevertrustaduck: bye

redheadartist: seriously is everyone just leaving?

redheadartist: helen? you were here a moment ago when i mentioned avpm

redheadartist: charlotte? henry?

redheadartist: what the fuck??

halffairhalfgay: language



Chapter Text

group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’


redheadartist: Y’ALL ITS  HALLOWEEN

lewissimonlewis: YEEEEEEEEE

gaylinepenhallow:: you guys always get the most excited

redheadartist: says the one who’s girlfriend is hosting the party

magnusificant:  i love the one day a year where i can wear as much sparkly shit as possible and not get judged too much for it

alighterwood: i love you being sparkly though

redheadartist: c u t e

redheadartist: okay but what is everyones costumes go

redheadartist: spoiler alert: simon is going as a vampire again

lewissimonlewis: okay but raph is as well so ha it’s a couples costume

redheadartist: wow

nothinglessthanseveninches: my wonderful girlfriend and i are going as angels

redheadartist: izzy has black angel stuff and i got the pure white

alighterwood: thats kinda cute

nothinglessthanseveninches: i know


nothinglessthanseveninches: we almost went as poison ivy and harley quinn but clary won the coin toss

lewissimonlewis: THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO COOL!!

nothinglessthanseveninches: I KN O W

magnusificant:   i’m trying to persuade alec to do a couples costume with me…

magnusificant: he wont even do a costume.

redheadartist: why do you even date him then?

magnusificant: many reasons, biscuit ;)

thehotblonde: there’s mental image i didn’t need

huntersmoon: my girlfriend and i are going as wolves

huntersmoon: as well as a lot of our friends but still

redheadartist: jace!! what are you going as!

thehotblonde: ……

thehotblonde: captain america

lewissimonlewis:  ffegcfhjfhfhfh

redheadartist: !!!!!!!!

nothinglessthanseveninches: holy fuck actually?!

redheadartist: that’s actually amamzing

redheadartist: but alec! you need to go as something!!

alighterwood: okay fine i have a scary costume

redheadartist: go on…

alighterwood: myself

alighterwood: but straight

thehotblonde: oi

redheadartist: really, alec?

nevertrustaduck: i think we’ve got our costumes sorted

shapechangertess: after hours of bickering

lewissimonlewis: ooh yes what are the trio going as?!

nevertrustaduck: the harry potter golden trio

nevertrustaduck: i’m harry, ofc

shapechangertess: i’m hermione, apparently, and jem is ron-but-looks-more-like-draco

lewissimonlewis: how did you sort out who was who?

yinfen:  well tess is the only female of us three, so she became hermione, and will’s messy hair resembles harry more than ron

yinfen: although his personality is closer to ron…

nevertrustaduck: but i look damn good in glasses

yinfen: this much is true

shapechangertess: ^^^^

magnusificant: i have missed you three and your shenanigans.

redheadartist: cuteeeeeeee

nothinglessthanseveninches: where is the hostess of this party? and her girlfriend? i need to know what the fellow gaygirls are going as!

gaylinepenhallow: we’re going as ‘the lesbians from next door’

shapechangertess: wait AS IN

halffairhalfgay: falsettos!!

gaylinepenhallow: false heteros

halffairhalfgay: true

shapechangertess: the original modern family

alighterwood: another musicial?

halffairhalfgay: only an amazing musical with beautiful character development and representation of both gay and lesbian relationships

gaylinepenhallow: yeah

alighterwood: oh is that the one with the psychiatrist and ten year old who is tired of his parent’s shit?

halffairhalfgay: language but YES

gaylinepenhallow: baby there's swearing all throughout the musical yet you love it don't bother with 'language'

halffairhalfgay: shush <3

gaylinepenhallow: looklooklooklooklook it’s a lesBIAN FROM NEXT DO O R

halffairhalfgay: FOLLOWED BY HER LOVER WHo’s a (bisexual) lesbian from next door tooooooo


halffairhalfgay: YEEAH

redheadartist: n  i ce


group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’


magnusificant: i persuaded alec to wear a costume!!

redheadartist: of course you could

nothinglessthanseveninches: i mean magnus is the only person alec listens to

redheadartist: true

lewissimonlewis: so?!!? what is is!!??!

magnusificant: youll have to wait and see, severus

nevertrustaduck: EWSNAPE

lewissimonlewis: #canthatesnapealone

womenkickass: remove that evil name from where i can read it


womenkickass: i’m not sure yet

redheadartist: go! as! supergirl!

nothinglessthanseveninches: YES LYDIA ^^^

womenkickass: why specifically supergirl?

nothinglessthanseveninches: she’s a superhero and you are practically that? i mean there’s no other way to explain how you survive with all the pressure being put on you

lewissimonlewis: she’s fucking amazing

redheadartist: she’s blonde as well

alighterwood: the party is tonight?? are you even able to get a costume that quickly?

womenkickass: tell that to the costume i’m holding as i type.

alighterwood: okay you are worthy of being a superhero.


group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’


nothinglessthanseveninches: AAAAAAAAAA


nothinglessthanseveninches kicked alighterwood and magnusificant from the chat


nothinglessthanseveninches: OKAY HE TOLD ME NOT TO SPOIL BUT FREAKING LOOK

nothinglessthanseveninches sent a photo message


redheadartist: wHY DOES MAGNUS LOOK SO…

redheadartist: P L A I N

gaylinepenhallow: fajkfhljasfhjs ALEC HAS NEVER LOOKED GAYER


huntersmoon: magnus that is the OPPOSITE of sparkly

lewissimonlewis: FUCK THOUGH



huntersmoon: i cant stop laughing oh my god


redheadartist: id probably have a normal family and be ‘’straight’’

lewissimonlewis: oh my god youd totally be with jace


lewissimonlewis: jace would be a cute soft barista boy tbh

thehotblonde: you and isabelle would be a thing

redheadartist: izzy would probably be an adorable star wars nerd wi- WHAT THE FUCK JACE

thehotblonde: simon would be the ‘cool nerd’

huntersmoon: okay but highkey simon and jace would be best friends

gaylinepenhallow:  alec would be Done With the Straights™

halffairhalfgay: mood

gaylinepenhallow: what would we be?

halffairhalfgay: you’d be some sort of public figure who spoke out for what’s right

halffairhalfgay: i’d be your gorgeous trophy wife

redheadartist: goals

gaylinepenhallow: …are you saying you’d marry me?

halffairhalfgay: i mean of course i would

gaylinepenhallow: dgfjakfgfljssa

halffairhalfgay: please excuse me while i go kiss my girlfriend

huntersmoon: they are too perfect

thehotblonde:  mm true

Chapter Text

private conversation between magnusificant and shapechangertess


magnusificant: dearest tessa

shapechangertess: hm?

magnusificant: do you know if i left my…

magnusificant: shirt. at your place? from last night with you and your boys?

shapechangertess: let me check. i didn’t see anything earlier but i’ll double check

shapechangertess: wait magnus did you mean your binder?

magnusificant: yes.

shapechangertess: i found it here. i’ll leave early for school and drop it off to you?

magnusificant: you’re an angel <3

shapechangertess: ik <3


group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’


nothinglessthanseveninches: anyone know if we have a sub for history or not today?

lewissimonlewis: if i say yes, will you be in class?

nothinglessthanseveninches: no comment

gaylinepenhallow: we’re supposed to have a sub yeah

nothinglessthanseveninches: thanks x

nothinglessthanseveninches: crap alec is yelling i fORGOT


nothinglessthanseveninches added alighterwood and magnusificant to the chat


magnusificant: isabelle dear

magnusificant: are you planning on skipping?

nothinglessthanseveninches: pshhhhh of course not

magnusificant: …

nothinglessthanseveninches: if hypothetically the answer is yes, don’t tell your boyfriend

alighterwood: hm?



redheadartist: finally!

redheadartist: “”y’all””

lewissimonlewis: shut up i’m excited

lewissimonlewis: also guess which grumpy vampire i convinced to come!

lewissimonlewis: (hint: he’s my boyfriend)

redheadartist: uhhhh…. jace?

redheadartist: actually he’s too tanned to be a vampire

nevertrustaduck: this is the conversation i wake up to

lewissimonlewis: i’m hurt, clary

alighterwood: they literally went as vampires for Halloween…

lewissimonlewis: I went as a vampire, raph just went in his natural state

nevertrustaduck: does simon have a vampire kink?

lewissimonlewis: WHATT THE HELL N OO

magnusificant: topic change from simon’s sex life

lewissimonlewis: thank g O D

magnusificant: is everyone coming to GSA?

alighterwood: you know i am

magnusificant: aww <3

alighterwood: …

alighterwood: <3

redheadartist: screenshotted i am blessed to have witnessed this

redheadartist: and yes i think we persuaded everyone to come

shapechangertess: will, jem and i will be there!

redheadartist: yay jem!!

nevertrustaduck: no celebration for me? i’m hurt, midget

redheadartist: well i WAS going to celebreate you as well but you ruined it

redheadartist: but  yay tessa!!

nevertrustaduck: rude

shapechangertess: you deserved it, will

nevertrustaduck: hURT

shapechangertess: shush <3

nevertrustaduck: hmph

lewissimonlewis: is jace coming?

alighterwood: i mean i assume so but he’s the only person i’m not sure of

shapechangertess: what about Lydia?

magnusificant: her, isabelle and i all co-run it

lewissimonlewis: damn

huntersmoon: i mean they are three of the most vocal activists at school

magnusificant: most of the people in this chat can be counted as vocal lgbtq+ activists

huntersmoon: true

womenkickass: some of us are just in a better position where we don’t have to worry about our own lives every time we speak up

womenkickass: there are still homophobes and transphobes but those of us fortunate enough to be able to speak freely overpower those preaching hatred

redheadartist: translation: we’re lucky to not be killed for who we are and dicks still exist but we’re fucking better than them

womenkickass: …yeah.


group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’


gaylinepenhallow: help please

gaylinepenhallow: i’m at school early and sebastian morgenstern just tried to punch a sophomore from GSA what do i do

nothinglessthanseveninches: wait fuck what

gaylinepenhallow sent a video message

nevertrustaduck: wait why did the video cut out like that

alighterwood: aline where are you

alighterwood: … aline?

nothinglessthanseveninches: aline penhallow where are you

huntersmoon: ALINE

thehotblonde: i’m going to kill that white haired fuckhead

lottieofstress: What’s going on?

nevertrustaduck: a douchefuck named sebastian just almost punched a guy, aline sent a video of it to show us, the video cut out oddly and now she’s not responding

lottieofstress: Aline’s at school?

nothinglessthanseveninches: yes i’m running to school now

lottieofstress: Is anyone else at school?

magnusificant: tessa and i are driving to school right now

yinfen: good

thehotblonde: what the actual fuck is happening

yinfen: the video was from the cafeteria, right?

alighterwood: yeah

nevertrustaduck: charlotte is trying to contact the school

alighterwood: aline isn’t answering any calls

nevertrustaduck: sebastian’s aggressively homophobic,  right?

alighterwood: very

huntersmoon: if aline tried to intervene, sebastian may have attacked her as well.

yinfen: she and helen aren’t closeted at all, are they?

alighterwood: fuck

alighterwood: helen

huntersmoon: i’m calling her

thehotblonde: isabelle called, she just got to school and is running to the cafeteria to find aline

huntersmoon: helen didn’t pick up

shapechangertess: we just pulled up at the school

lottieofstress: School office isn’t open for calls yet.

halffairhalfgay: where’s aline

halffairhalfgay: what the hell happened

thehotblonde: maia tried calling you… read up.

halffairhalfgay: …

halffairhalfgay: where the fuck is my girlfriend

Chapter Text

group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’


shapechangertess: i’ve been asked to update everyone while isabelle and magnus have their hands full

alighterwood: is aline okay?

huntersmoon: ^^^^!!!

shapechangertess: maia, you were right. aline intervened and sebastian just turned on her and they got into a fight (this is what a bystander said)

nevertrustaduck: fucking hell

alighterwood: oh fucking shit

shapechangertess: some girl (nobody could name her) came yelling and Sebastian did his shitty scoffing thing and left

huntersmoon: he can die

thehotblonde: how does he even go to the school what the fuck

shapechangertess: aline’s being taken to the nurse, she was knocked unconscious and is only just coming to.

alighterwood: i’m driving to school right now who needs to be picked up

nevertrustaduck: me

thehotblonde: i'll steal a ride

huntersmoon: me pls

lewissimonlewis: raph and i are picking up clary and coming now


private chat between lewissimonlewis and thehotblonde


thehotblonde: how much does clary know

lewissimonlewis: what?

thehotblonde: of course i’m really worried about aline, but sebastian is still clary’s brother… does she know this was all him?

lewissimonlewis: she doesn’t know it was sebastian. she knows aline got hurt, not how. should i tell her to read the group chat?

thehotblonde: no. you don’t want her to read the chat and possibly break down without anyone else being there for her

lewissimonlewis: true. thanks, jace

thehotblonde: see you at school


group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’


shapechangertess: the nurse kicked us all out

nothinglessthanseveninches: she allowed helen in though

yinfen: helen made it to school?

shapechangertess: when you guys arrive you’ll see us in the hallway

huntersmoon: alec, jace, will and i are two minutes away

thehotblonde: alec is borderline speeding… less than two minutes

magnusificant: tell him i said to slow down. we can’t have any more injuries.

santiagoaway: simon wanted me to update you all that we will be later to school as simon has to first inform clary that this was morgenstern’s doing.

lottieofstress: Has someone contacted Aline’s parents?

shapechangertess: the nurse said she has

lottieofstress:  Okay, good.


group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’


alighterwood: the nurse is sending everyone away from outside the door now

yinfen: how many of you are still staying?

magnusificant: alexander, maia, and myself. oh, and helen, who’s still in the room.

magnusificant: nvm, she’s sending us away as well

lottieofstress: Is helen still staying?

huntersmoon: i think if the nurse tried to make helen leave then she would just pick up her girlfriend and walk out

alighterwood: she’s terrifying

huntersmoon: the nurse or helen?

alighterwood: yes


private chat between halffairhalfgay and redheadartist


redheadartist: hey

redheadartist: so i don’t know when you’ll see this, but i at least figured that you’d see it before aline, and maybe…

redheadartist: maybe pass on the message.

redheadartist: but i am so, so sorry for what Sebastian did. if it was anyone else i probably wouldn’t be apologising like this, but since he’s my brother…

redheadartist: i can’t help  but feel guilty on behalf of him.

redheadartist: so i apologise for his existence and the fact  that he’s a homophobic dick

redheadartist: i hope you’ll be okay soon. both of you.


group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’


halffairhalfgay: aline and i are going home

halffairhalfgay: well, she’s going to the doctor

halffairhalfgay: i’m not leaving her side though

alighterwood: do you need someone to drive you?

halffairhalfgay: dont worry about it. aline’s mother is coming.

nothinglessthanseveninches: jia’s leaving work for her!?

halffairhalfgay: yeah

nothinglessthanseveninches: damn

halffairhalfgay: any update on the literal demon?

nothinglessthanseveninches: well considering there’s actual video evidence of what he did, starting from right where aline intervened, he can get in a whole load of trouble.

lewissimonlewis: fucking good

alighterwood: i hope he dies


private chat between halffairhalfgay and redheadartist


halffairhalfgay: oh clary please don’t blame yourself for that douche

halffairhalfgay: aline doesn’t blame you at all either

halffairhalfgay: “tell her i said if anything i feel sorry that she even has to think of herself as related to him”

halffairhalfgay: word for word, that’s what she said

halffairhalfgay: you. are. not. sebastian.

halffairhalfgay: don’t apologise for something you can’t be blamed for at all


group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’


gaylinepenhallow: guess who has a concussion!!

gaylinepenhallow: this ga6yjkl

lewissimonlewis: aline!!!

alighterwood: ‘ga6yjkl’ ???

halffairhalfgay: shes not allowed on her freaking phone so i stole it mid text

halffairhalfgay: apparently it was supposed to say ‘this gay’

alighterwood: ah

nevertrustaduck: logical

halffairhalfgay: “my girlfriend is mean… and pretty.” – aline

halffairhalfgay: i’m not mean, i’m just listening to the doctor on behalf of her

alighterwood:  i mean its shit that you have a concussion but i’m glad its not worse

lewissimonlewis: how much are you not allowed to do?

halffairhalfgay: it’s only a minor concussion, but no technology, reading, bright light or too much movement for the next 24 hours, then slowly returning to normal life after that.

nevertrustaduck: shit


group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’


alighterwood: i cant stop thinking i could have stopped aline from getting hurt.

alighterwood: if id been there i could have stopped him

nothinglessthanseveninches: i know

lewissimonlewis: could’ve, should’ve, couldn’t, shouldn’t… we can’t change what happened

magnusificant: you would have gotten hurt, and she would be wishing she had done something

magnusificant: there is no way to change what he did, alec

alighterwood: i’m worried that sebastian wont get the punishment he deserves

yinfen: we wouldn’t dare let him get away with this

magnusificant: where are you?

alighterwood: in my car. around the block.

magnusificant: i’m coming. but know this, alexander.

magnusificant: you’ll blow up the very ground you stand on to make something right.

magnusificant: you, and every single other  person in this chat.

magnusificant: this won’t just blow over. none of us will let that happen.


group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’


halffairhalfgay: its lunch now, right??

nevertrustaduck: yyep

nothinglessthanseveninches: we postponed GSA to after school instead of lunchtime so we could make sure we got the update that aline was at least semi-okay

halffairhalfgay: “you didn’t have to do that” – aline

halffairhalfgay: that’s really sweet, guys!!

alighterwood: did you really think we wouldn’t, aline?

magnusificant: we would have spent the entire time worrying, anyways

yinfen: i think everyone was worrying.

nothinglessthanseveninches: 'think'?

alighterwood: iz.

halffairhalfgay: yeah. i know...

Chapter Text

group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’


nothinglessthanseveninches sent a video message

nothinglessthanseveninches: just so you know, i titled this file ‘thenerd sings’

halffairhalfgay: is this simon’s gig??

lewissimonlewis: it was an open mic but yeah

lewissimonlewis: a few old friends of mine also showed up and helped me out with instruments though!

thehotblonde: oh those were the three guys who looked as weird as you

lewissimonlewis: i would be offended but it’s you saying that so

lewissimonlewis: but yeah, they were Eric, Matt and Kirk

alighterwood: clary performed as well

redheadartist: yesss!! thank you alec

magnusificant sent a video message

nothinglessthanseveninches: my girlfriend x

halffairhalfgay: damn you guys are both great

nevertrustaduck: damn

lewissimonlewis: i want to see magnus sing tbh

magnusificant: i really can’t sing that well

shapechangertess: fjhjahwflhaw

yinfen: you’ll find that to be a lie

nothinglessthanseveninches: you can dance amazingly, i’m sure you ca sing as well

alighterwood: you dance!??!

magnusificant: just for fun, alexander

alighterwood:  …….

alighterwood: you knew, izzy?!

nothinglessthanseveninches: …sorry?

redheadartist: i think you killed alec

nevertrustaduck: alec.exe has stopped responding

yinfen: really, will?

shapechangertess: i wish had my laptop on me!! i have a video of him dancing

santiagoaway sent a video message

lewissimonlewis: babe!!

santiagoaway: …

magnusificant: okay i’m not questioning why tessa has a video of me dancing, but you raphael??

redheadartist: magnus dancing reminds me why i’m bi

huntersmoon: mood

nothinglessthanseveninches: something thudded from alec’s room so i went to investigate and

nothinglessthanseveninches: he fell onto the floor and isn’t responding and is just staring at that video

nothinglessthanseveninches sent a photo message

lewissimonlewis: now THAT’S a mood

shapechangertess: omfg

redheadartist: if he was in an anime he’d have a bleeding nose

nothinglessthanseveninches: i’m 90% sure he hit his nose as he fell and it’s bleeding anyway

magnusificant:  that video is a few years old…

shapechangertess: just after you started transitioning, right?

magnusificant: yeah

yinfen: wait is that you dancing in a binder

santiagoaway: yes it is

santiagoaway: i told him not to but he did not listen

magnusificant: i want to say never again but i can’t live without my binder on so

nevertrustaduck: don’t break a fucking rib

halffairhalfgay: l a n g u a g e

nothinglessthanseveninches: so you are continuing

halffairhalfgay: …yes???

nothinglessthanseveninches: you realise you swore yesterday?

halffairhalfgay: i think it’s okay to swear when your girlfriend disappears without a warning with a major threat around her

nothinglessthanseveninches: okay yeah you make a good point


group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’


lewissimonlewis: i think everyone has gotten the message by now


lewissimonlewis changed the chat name to ‘lacking of heterosexuality and wills to live’


redheadartist: you good there lewis?

lewissimonlewis: peachy, fray


shapechangertess changed their name to ‘straight™’


thehotblonde:  mood

lewissimonlewis: hence why i said ‘lacking’ and not ‘complete lack of’

alighterwood:  can’t relate


halffairhalfgay changed their name to ‘gay bisexual’


redheadartist: same

magnusificant: i can relate

straight™: is this a thing now?

gay bisexual:  why not?


gay bisexual changed their name to ‘soft bi’

redheadartist changed their name to ‘getting bi’

alighterwood changed their name to ‘…gay’

magnusificant changed their name to ‘glitter bi’


thehotblonde: this looks like it’ll be fun


thehotblonde changed their name to ‘smoking straight’

lewissimonlewis changed their name to ‘PANSEXUALIEN’



PANSEXUALIEN: they started it this time so


nevertrustaduck changed their name to ‘confusion’

yinfen changed their name to ‘snowflake’


straight™: NO JEM DO NOT please


snowflake changed their name to ‘loverboy’


straight™: <3

smoking straight: will your name is a M O O D

confusion: don’t i know it

glitter bi: relatable

…gay: @ will you got yelled at last time because you chose our names. we’re choosing our own this time

getting bi: do you think if we spam enough the others will come on and change their names?



santiagoaway changed their name to ‘eating cake’


eating cake: i am living up to the asexual stereotypes

womenkickass: were you lurking, raphael?

eating cake: yeah


womenkickass changed their name to ‘no romo’


no romo: it feels fitting

getting bi: i LOVE IT

…gay: i think lydia wins

PANSEXUALIEN: i mean hers is amazing but mine is PANTASTIC

soft bi: wait i found a better one


soft bi changed their name to ‘bi the way’


nothinglessthanseveninches: I’M LATE TO THE PARTY


nothinglessthanseveninches changed their name to ‘pantastic’



pantastic: shut it


pantastic changed the chat name to ‘queerly beloved’


huntersmoon: i’m joining this name party

pantastic: yes maia join us!


huntersmoon changed their name to ‘semi demi’


getting bi: i have a better chat name idea


getting bi changed the chat name to ‘queerly beloved, we have gathered here to gay’


pantastic: love u x

getting bi: xxx


gaylinepenhallow changed their name to ‘gallium & yttrium’


bi the way: BABE


gallium & yttrium: i’m allowed to now!!

gallium & yttrium: besides i’m in my room in the quiet so it really isn’t much

bi  the way: …you busy?

gallium & yttrium: nope

bi the way: can i come to yours?

gallium & yttrium: my parents aren’t home

bi the way: im coming



eating cake:   i’m too ace for this


getting bi: S I M O N


pantastic: raphael…. why do you date him

eating cake: i’m asking myself the same thing

PANSEXUALIEN: cause i’m one of a kind <3

eating cake: sure.


group chat ‘queerly beloved, we have gathered here to gay’


gallium & yttrium sent a video message

gallium & yttrium: y’all are dirty

confusion: are you… singing?

bi the way: this is literally what we do when we’re home alone

getting bi: …

…gay: this is the true gay agenda

confusion: m o o d

gallium & yttrium: one day my neighbours will complain

…gay: worry about that when it comes

confusion: i have been inspired by you two and am now serenading tess and jem

straight™: he’s screeching

loverboy: it’s… passionate

straight™: it’s deafening

loverboy: okay its pretty bad

glitter bi: you love him

loverboy: yeah

straight™:  hmm…

…gay: relationships.

eating cake: me @ simon whenever he does anything questionable

no romo: Can’t relate.

semi demi: honestly its my girlfriend @ me whenever i’m in this group chat

smoking straight: is that a dig at us?

semi demi: maybe


group chat ‘queerly beloved, we have gathered here to gay’


gallium & yttrium: you know how i said one day my neighbours will get annoyed of our sining and yell at us

pantastic: yeah

confusion: yee

bi the way: that day is today

gallium & yttrium: it was fucking hilarious though

bi the way: “”my husband is trying to work, if you could please keep your volume down!!””

bi the way: she was quite rude

pantastic: oh my god was she Neurotypical Karen™

bi the way: basically

bi the way: aline’s response was absolutely hilarious though omg

confusion: omg what the fuck  did you say

bi the way: ((language))

gallium & yttrium: “sorry, me and my girlfriend were just conducting the gay calling ritual. to find our fellow homosexuals.”



…gay:  oh my god

gallium & yttrium: ((no i’m not amazing at improvising sassy comments, i’ve been wanting to say that to someone for months))

bi the way: she just kind of… stopped. then left without saying another word.

gallium & yttrium: i’m definitely going to be yelled at by mom later on

…gay: was it worth it?

gallium & yttrium: oh definitely