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Finding Spock- Part 1

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Vulcans do not get awed. That’s what he told himself. And while he wasn’t the perfect Vulcan his father wanted him to be, he was certainly Vulcan enough to not give in to the awe that was clearly reflected in his eyes as he forced himself to look away. His passenger ship from Vulcan to Earth had already shown him sights he had known existed, but never truly appreciated. And now, he couldn’t help but experience a strange wanderlust.

The very emotion that had brought him here, without even giving him an opportunity to say farewell to his father.

Spock sighed and closed his eyes. It was uncharacteristic of him to do so, but he was still young and half-human, as the elders at the Science Academy had informed him none too kindly.

“That is illogical. Kindness is an emotion,” he told himself.

But then he knew better than everybody that Vulcans abhorred emotion or any display of it, which was in itself a corollary. Was abhorrence not an emotion?

Spock was a strong being. Mentally and physically; and while he had decided not to complete the Kolinahr, he had not expected to feel the way he was feeling now. His father’s forcible muting of the connection between them had cut him deeply. But it wasn’t something he was prepared to even think about, let alone come to terms with it.

XXXXX

“Spock, it is only logical that you complete the ritual of Kolinahr before you join the Vulcan Science Academy. Your intelligence may surpass that of others your age, but you cannot devote yourself to the disciplines of enquiry unless you are prepared to embrace complete impartiality of thought,” Sarek said, hoping that his only son would see the truth in his words.

“Father, I cannot. My emotionalism has not yet been an obstacle to my education. I endeavor to continue controlling it with the strict discipline that our philosophies have taught us. However, fear is an emotion. And I do not wish to give into the fear of my own emotionalism,” Spock said with a stoic face that would have made the older man proud at any other time.

Spock often wondered what it was about emotionalism that Vulcans everywhere avoided it like something they wished didn’t exist. To Spock, it was irrational that something naturally occurring was almost feared rather than studied, understood, and mastered. And while their society liked to believe that they had mastered emotion, to Spock, it seemed odd that something that had apparently been mastered was still influential enough that it needed to be shut away and not simply molded for when it might be beneficial or pragmatic. Of course, despite being as Vulcan as could be, Spock carried Amanda’s morality within him. Her lessons in compassion and love, and the ways of caring for life; no Vulcan would see the logic in the emotions that made these things possible. But then few understood that logic came from a place of morality. What was logical to one race of beings would be illogical to another race of beings.
However, Spock was Vulcan and hence, he continued to remain true to the conception of logic as Vulcans had evolved it since the times of Surak.

XXXXX

Despite the relative comfort of the journey, Spock had been unable to meditate on the ship. For one, his quarters had been shared with three other beings, a human and two Andorians. He had not bothered to find out their names and he wasn’t inclined to really make acquaintance with anyone just yet.

“Earth is a very different planet and humans are emotional beings. How will you ensure a successful term at Starfleet Academy, if you are so disinclined to make polite conversation,” Spock asked himself for the umpteenth time.

But he couldn’t. Despite all of Amanda’s guidance, he still felt inadequate as far as his knowledge about humanity went. He didn’t do ‘small talk.’ It seemed illogical to talk about the weather or the scenery when both of those things were clearly visible and explained through the use of one’s senses or a PADD, or both.

“Hey man, you wanna come to the dining hall?” the human in the cabin asked Spock, like he had asked him for the last four days.

And every day Spock had declined politely, with the same sentence. “Negative. I do not wish to engage in communal meals. Please do not wait on my behalf.”

However, he decided to accept the human’s offer today. After all they were about to reach Earth in 1.6 Terran days. It would be rational to at least familiarize himself with how to take communal meals with members of different species.

“Very well. I shall accompany you today. My name is Spock. May I enquire as to how you would wish me to address you?” he asked.

The human looked bewildered for a few moments. But then he smiled uneasily and responded with a lopsided smile. “My name is Tim. Nice to meet you Spock. Let’s go get lunch.”

Feeling slightly out of place but not uncomfortable, Spock walked a few paces behind the human, lost in his thoughts, and an apprehension he didn’t even know existed inside him.