It doesn't take much doing to get Coulson into the interrogation room. It's become something of a conference room, one of the few places on the Bus that has solid locks. It's easy enough for Ward to fake a reason he has to get Coulson alone, easy for Skye to hide behind the door and tag Coulson's arm with the truth serum injector- okay, she doesn't actually get him in the arm, because he pushes the door on her when she tries, trapping her against the wall. She does get him in the side though, which is, as they say, good enough for government work.
"Great," Coulson says, looking down at his side. He sighs, walking over to the table, calmly pulling the chair back out and sitting. "Go ahead, have fun. I don't have anything to do anyway."
His acquiescence makes Ward frown, but Skye doesn't seem to care. "You're going to tell us everything you know," she says, leaning over him and smiling smugly.
"You have to stop wearing that shirt," Coulson says.
"What?" Skye asks, straightening up and crossing her arms over her chest.
"You wear it so you can flash Ward your tits," Coulson tells her, "which is distracting for everybody- mostly Ward, because he's too hot for you to stop looking, but also me, because I'm shorter than him so they're closer to my face. Holy shit this shit is strong. I'm going to fucking kick all of your asses for wasting it."
"This is not what I expected," Ward says.
"I don't make a habit of swearing," Coulson says. "It's unprofessional. Plus when I do it out of nowhere, it has a lot of fucking impact."
"That's not what I was talking about," Ward says. Coulson says nothing. "No comment?"
"I don't actually have to say anything unless you ask me," Coulson says. "If you do, I'm going to run off at the mouth about it for ten fucking minutes, but unless you provoke me, I'm going to sit here and do nothing. You should have known that already."
Skye sits down in the chair opposite Coulson, staring at him intently. "You've already been looking at my tits-"
"They're nice tits," Coulson says, shrugging.
"So if you could bang anyone from the team, who would it be?" Skye concludes. "I know you've picked." Ward rolls his eyes, but doesn't say anything.
"You learned your interrogation tactics in the sixth fucking grade, didn't you?" Coulson asks. "I mean, it doesn't matter, because I'd tell you about it anyway, but you're embarrassing yourself. But I'd start with you." Skye's eyes go wide. "You don't strike me as the daddy issues type, or it would probably be faster. I could play the authority figure card though. You like to fly in the face of authority, what could be better than getting one over on The Man? Unfortunately I top, so unless you're one of the ones with a secret desire to give it up to what you're defying- which I actually think is really likely- then it's not going to work out. Motherfucker, this is a hell of a drug. Should we really be giving this to people? Except Ward. I stand by that, because it was fucking hilarious."
"Wait, what do you mean 'start'?" Ward asks.
"What do you mean by 'top'?" Skye asks.
Coulson opens his mouth, but closes it again. "I don't know what order to answer the questions in. It's giving me a headache."
"Me first," Skye says, before Ward can speak.
"Top means what it always means," he says. "I mean, when you're not talking about men fucking, because I don't think that applies in this particular situation, unless there's something I don't know."
"What does top mean when you're not talking about men?" Skye asks.
"It would be so cool if I could say 'I'll tell you when you're older' right here," Coulson says. "Then I could grin knowingly, and you'd make this perfect disgusted face, and you wouldn't ask me again."
"Answer my question," Skye says.
"I'm kinky," Coulson says, and he doesn't even look concerned about it. "I'm a dom. I top people. Pretty simple, really."
"So you make people crawl on the floor and lick your shoes and stuff?" Skye asks, intrigued.
"Crawling yes, shoes no," Coulson tells her. "There's really a lot more to it. I can show you if you want. What are you into, spanking? Ever had your hair pulled when somebody fucks you? You've got the perfect hair for it. I could just wrap it around my fist and pull as hard as I wanted. You'd love it, trust me. I'm not a sadist, except when I am, but I don't do that unless someone asks for it."
"Are you going to listen to him talk to you like that?" Ward asks Skye.
"Would you rather I talked to you like this?" Coulson asks. "You've had sex with a man. Your file doesn't say if you enjoyed it, though, so I'm not sure whether I can crack you or not. But don't worry, you've got enough hair to pull."
"Well, that's all we need to say about that," Ward says, blushing.
"Tell me more," Skye says, leaning forward.
"Knock it off with the tits if you're not going to let me touch them," Coulson tells her. "I'm trying to think. Do you want to hear more about Ward fucking guys, or me fucking Ward? Because the first one is kind of boring, because I don't really know anything juicy, except for when and where. The second one is way more interesting, personally speaking. But he's not second on the list, so I don't know if you want to go straight to it."
"You have a list?" Ward asks.
"I had to prioritize somehow," Coulson says, like it's completely normal.
"We can move Ward up, for purposes of this discussion," Skye says. "Tell me all about it."
"I'm thinking angry sex," Coulson says, looking at Ward contemplatively. "Starts with a fight, then I throw him up against a wall and kiss the hell out of him. That opener always works in these situations, even though it's really not very ethical."
"That would never work," Ward scoffs. "I'd just push you away."
"No, you'd try to one-up me," Coulson says. "If you're disgusted and thrown off your game, then I win. If you go along with it and try to make me lose control, you stand a chance at winning. I mean, you won't, because I am far, far better at this than you and you're an easy fucking mark. But you could at least feel like you tried." He looks Ward over. "You're a little too tall for me to fuck up against a wall, though. I'd have to pick something else. Gotta time it carefully."
"You've thought about this," Skye says, a little awed.
Coulson shrugs. "Didn't take long. This is all very cliché, but clichés exist for a reason."
"Why am I not further up on the list?" Ward demands. Skye raises an eyebrow at him. "I mean, it's degrading and everything," he backpedals, "but that doesn't mean I shouldn't rank higher."
"Fitz and Simmons are before you," Coulson says.
"In that order?" Skye asks.
"No," Coulson says. "At the same time."
"Holy shit," Skye says, in delighted shock.
"Tell me that's not a good idea," he challenges. "You know it'd be fun as hell. A romp. It would be a romp."
"I don't think you're wrong," Skye says.
"I suppose you have some grand plan to get them in the sack too," Ward says, crossing his arms.
"I'd go up to them and ask them," Coulson says. "Unlike the rest of you, they don't do subterfuge. Makes everything easier and harder. Also might make them better in bed. I don't think either of them have a dominant bone in their bodies, and I don't think they'd object to much. They seem good to go."
"How do you ever get any work done?" Ward asks.
"If you can't do your job and fantasize about your coworkers at the same time, I just don't know what to say to you," Coulson tells him.
"So that's me, Ward, and Fitzsimmons," Skye says. "Melinda comes in last place?"
"I'm already fucking Melinda," Coulson says dismissively. "We've been fucking since two weeks after we met." Ward chokes on nothing, coughing loudly. "Oh my god, how did you not know? We live in a fucking plane for fuck's sake, how did you not hear us?"
"I didn't know I was supposed to be listening!" Ward says defensively.
"In fairness, you're probably not going to hear much," Coulson muses. "She's quiet, except when I'm eating her out. Unfortunately she thinks we're going to be overheard, so she doesn't let me unless no one's around. Guess I can tell her not to worry now. Then again, she's not going to fuck me for at least a week when she finds out you two assholes know."
"So you top Melinda?" Skye asks.
Coulson looks at her like she's an idiot. "Nobody tops Melinda." He yawns. "I'm getting tired. I take it you used what was in there, not a whole vial? I didn't reload it. You're getting the dregs of what I used on Ward. The injector has a little flaw in it, doesn't always dispense the full dose on the first try. You had maybe ten minutes from when you started. Be glad you had that."
"Shit," Ward says, running his fingers through his hair.
"They never should have taken truth serum resistance out of the standard SHIELD training," Coulson slurs, close to falling out. "You have no fucking clue how to interrogate someone who's on sodium pentothal without having been on it yourself."
"Why not?" Ward asks, frowning.
"You have to tell the truth," Coulson says blurrily. "So you have to trick the interrogator into asking you for something you're willing to give up."
"Wait, so you didn't care if we knew all of this?" Skye asks, nonplussed.
"Who gives a fuck?" Phil says. "It's not like I said anything I'm embarrassed-"
And then he faceplants onto the table.
"So that happened," Skye says, after a pause.
"Are you really trying to flash me your tits?" Ward asks.
"Of course that's what you would take from all of this," Skye says.
"I'm just trying to go in chronological order," Ward says. "Your tits are what got us off track in the first place."
"I'm sorry that I don't go around factoring my tits into every decision I make," Skye snaps.
"They factor into at least some of them," Ward says.
"Look, just because Coulson said it doesn't make it true," Skye tells him.
"I don't know about that," Ward says, walking to the door and opening it. "He's a pretty observant guy."
"You do realize that in trying to get a leg up on me, you're admitting that you want Coulson to fuck you, right?" she says.
"What?" he says, caught out. "Of course I'm not."
"Sure," she says, walking over and waltzing past him out of the room. "You keep telling yourself that."
Ward takes a look back at Coulson. He is not at all sure whether or not their prank was worth it, or if it even worked in their favor.
But it's certainly given him some things to think about.